Affair!! Adultery!!

Hi lynnang,how are u getting on? I hope u have a lovely day n if u need someone to pour out anything,look for me k.. My ears are all yours... We should help each other when things like this happen.. It's very stressful to bottle everything up k..
 


Bek,

I can tell you are very happy that you are appreciated by someone. Would this affect yr relationship with yr son? Does the guy know you are married? Not judging you, but if you get emotionally involved, a lot things will change. Hope you take all this into consideration.
 
Hi moorspa,fr the bottom of my heart,it'll never affect my marriage n most importantly,my boy. It's purely for the company that's lacking. That's all. He also knows that my family comes first. I make it very very clear from the start and I see him only once a week but if my hub is staying home,I stay home to accompany my hub.. Family first.At least now I dun have to bug my hub does he realize I've just done my nails or do I look good in my new dress..
 
Bek.. Though it's gd to hv someone to pour sorrow, keep u accompany n be there whenever u need it, showering extra attention tt the bored hb will not lavish..

However, a lot of guys out there are preying on married women..seeking for fb/NSA coz they noe tt they r discreet, low profile n hv their own commitment.

Pls keep a distance if he's the sort to whisper sweet nothing, act sweet/caring, touchy, cook up cock n bull stories abt his marriage/love stories portraying himself as a love victim ..

This type of men prey on marriage women. Once they get wat they wan, they will bye bye~
 
Susanna

I agree with you. Do these men prey on married women for sex? What is fb/NSA? You really know a lot abt men. I feel women tend to lose out cos we tend to get involved emotionally without knowing it as time goes by.
 
Moor, im especially cautious to those guys who tried to get into my good books. They noe my marital status but everyone can guess the motive of getting a step closer other than flings, being FB (free bonks/fxxk buddies), NSA (no strings attached>

though it's a fair world but y does women r on the losing end is because women are emotional n when feelings r involved, things could escalate beyond control.
What happens when a bored housewife meet a player?

While men can separate sex from emotional..it's harder for women especially for decent n those down to earth..

And when they wan to get into ones pants, all bags of tricks will come out.

Though I believe in pure platonic friendship n for accompany but taking a step further with feelings involved is definitely a no no.
 
Susanna

Totally agree with you. I think these men know women's vulnerabilities very well esp the married women.
 
Hehe I'm sharing based on the experience of having guys hitting in clubs, married men adding on fb n married colls trying to ask me out for drinks in discreet which I rejected because I understand the rules of the games too well.

It's not tt I'm particularly attractive or wat but I concluded that they probably try tt on every potential victims.
 
Wow Bek, very happening here. Just be careful and not to step into another emotional sh*t hole. Anyways, good to know that you are a happier women.
 
Hi mummy,Susanna,moorspa,I sincerely thank you gals for not judging me n pointing fingers at me.. Tk u all..

Frankly,I've known him for 15yrs and I dump him for my hub.. All bcos not I dun love him.. All bcos my parents prefer my hub then this guy.. Now,he is like someone very dear to me. Someone I know will always be there for me when things crop up my side without asking for anything in return..

Now that I'm seeing him,at least I felt appreciated.. I felt important.. And I make it very clear to him that I'd not give up my family for him and he didn't insist too.. Frankly,I'm a happier person lately.. Know what,my hub came back at 4.30am last night.. And he jus called to inform me he'd be late again tonight.. What can I do n what can I say? I've already said all I need to say and do all that I'm suppose to do.. I'm tired..
Now I just want to be happier n I m. I hope you all understand how I feel.. Oh,I'm staying with my mil n she just dun bother at all. She didn't even bother to tell her son to stay home more so me,what can I do?
 
Bek, I m one who believe in pure platonic guy friends too, those we can party, BBQ overnight, drink without sparks. They are the 1st to come out n drink with me whenever I need a listening ear.

Sorry to hear abt ur hb, he is like beyond redemption. Hw come he chiong weekday as well?
 
Hi Bek!

Ah..an ex bf?? I know how u feel!
I am so glad u r happy and I fully support u. Just don't get too emotionally involved with this new man, k? Else...you will feel used and cheap. Understand, sister? Have fun!!!

Btw, how u meet the ex bf again? u called him?
 
Haha true,, dun be used during the most vulnerable period..

I'm actually frds with my ex too though my hb not too happy about it.. The facts is I also no longer feel for him, tts y I dare to take a step further..

For those who can make my heart thumps, I keep 1001miles away...coz wanna play with wat also okie, just dun play with feelings..hard to break free with emotions n emotion make us dumb n lose our instinct to judge..
 
Bek,

I understand how you feel. You feel happier cos there is someone who pays attention to you, it would be the same for me too. Just don't get emotionally involved and you will be safe.
 
Regina, faint,, we r not pros,.

Friendship is to respect each other with no hidden agenda.. We dun make use n dun like to be made used if we treat ppl sincerely..

If cross the line, I really see no point to be entangled in a mess, add trouble to troubles..
 
Hi Bek, happy for u ... I understand how u feel, if I were u, I definitely feel the same way like u do....U enjoy  but juz be careful OK not to emotional this time. As for me, SIGH! thanks for your concern... everydays is the same for me and kids..... yet to think of a better way out....Btw, I need some advice here from mummies with experiences., I did mentioned abt my juz turned 3 yo youngest boy, who is quite 'mature' in his thinking thru his own oberservation ...think he is feeling very very insecure, he already know how to pass comment like 'papa in out in out the Hse, dun love me..' or 'mummy, do u love me?' ...last weekend, I went over to my mum place (usual routine ..once/twice a mth..normal visiting NO staying.... normally OK for him. And if he happen to sleep in the afternoon, normally is ok for me to steal a little bit of time to pop by nearby shops or library...but this round a big NO NO .....With my mum and my sisters (all mummies too) around also cannot console him, in the end they hv to call me to come home ASAP as my boy is crying non stop and screaming his lungs out. They told me he is mumbling words like 'mummy dun want me also, mummy dun love me also, I want my mummy .... etc....' ........ Really, really very heartbreaking and also very stressed to see him like that... actually I am very keen to put him into CC so that at least I can move on from here(go out and earn a little $ for future) .. but then to see him feeling so insecure...I can't harden my heart if I can find a CC... how??
 
Lynn,

Hv you been spending enough time with him and reassuring him consistently? He is definitely very insecure from yr marriage problems and it has already affected him. Putting him in a CC at this time will traumatize him further, cos he is already insecure in yr mum's place. It could be when you were feeling depressed, he doesn't felt loved or he won't be asking you whether you love him or not. Reassure him everyday that you love him, you will never leave him and hug him a lot. Spend more time with him now for abt a mth and see if he improves.

When mummy is depressed, it does affect kids esp the young ones as they don't understand what is going on. You can spend time by bringing him down to playground, read a book to him and play with him. Continue to bring him to yr mum's place, if you need to go out for a short while, tell him when you will be back. As time goes by, he will be less insecure. At this age, they also tend to hv separation anxiety. Does he go out with you often?
 
Hi nicole,my x is a nice chap. He is givin me all d attention but I make it very clear that I'd not leave my family n my boy comes first.. And all the while,we keep in touch via SMS.. That's all till recently we went out.. The feeling is so good.. I'd not mess up my marriage.. I know woman is a very vanerable creature but I must be responsible. Not like my stupid hub!! Mess up everybody's life except his!!
 
bek, do u think what u doing is right?

if your husband is doing this, will u think it's ok?

something emotion is something difficult to control, one thing will led to another.
 
Hi Susanna,if I were to say the night consist only a few drinks,it's bullshit.. It's not cos I'm using him to nurse my wound.. I knw what I'm doing.. To me,I've been a good responsible wife for so long and yet unappreciated. I does everything at home. Change bulbs, unclog pipes n toilet bowls,mini repair work ard d house n when anything thing at home down,I get repairman. My boy sick,I take off to bring him to doc n for his regular check ups too. Bla bla bla..u name it,I do almost everything. So have I been a good wife? If my hub comes back at 1am n complain hungry,I cook. Seriously,what else?
Susanna,frankly,aft a few drinks,plus the music,frankly,if I say nothing happens is bullshit.. But I'm a responsible person,I'd not let it ruin my marriage. To me,I'm just having some fun. My x know,I'd not go back to him.. So it's kinda a companion thingy.. Oh,he is still single..
 
Moorspa, yes... I am with him 24hrs daily....I gave him lots of hugs day and nights. Nowadays, I care less about housechores (dun need to be perfect, nobody appreciate... for?so long as is clean and neat enough for me and kids to stay) .. I spending more time with kids... especially the youngest boy... coz I feel extremely guilty towards him , coz he did not enjoy much father love and attention since his birth. I sit with him, hugs him, kiss him, accompany him while he watch his favorite cartoons... sing songs to him, read stories book to him, sleep with him, pat him to sleep..(he used to sleep by himself- no need to pat claimed that he is a big boy liao! but recently he asked me to pat him to sleep and tell me he is only baby ). I reassure him with words also ...... but of coz at the same time wanted to prepare him for schooling or CC....I did mention to him that my intention to put him in CC so that he can play with friends and learn new things...and also if I leave him there at CC I will pick him up everdays in the evening (钩钩手指)and at the same time earn $ to buy new toys for him...... at one moment he say yes but next moment he cry, scream and refuse to listen/understand....with hands covering his ears... ... That's y am really loss, confuse , stress, dun know what else can i do to help him..... at time i can't help but feel very depressed myself ... ....my the other 2 bigger kids also不是很懂事, wholeday 吵吵闹闹。 Very headache.....
 
Bek,

Like what susanna said, you need to draw a line and it is best not to get close to someone you like. Once you cross the line, it can be hard to turn back. It is easy to say we are responsible when we do not get too involved but you never know how things will turn out esp in human relationships. What janey say is also true, you will hv to remind yourself that you will not get emotionally involved,use yr head and not yr heart.

You already said that after a few drinks plus music, and if nothing happens is bullshit. I hope you know when to stop, and this is only temporary. If you want your son to grow up and respect you, I think you would not want yr son to know this past. I hope you will always keep this in mind. To each of its own, the mummies here are more worried that things might get out of hand where relationship is concerned.
 
Hi Regina,u very naughty.. Who wanna be charged by AUNTY like me.. As if I'm so pro n skillful in errr..... LoL
 
Lynn,

All the commotion and negativity in yr marriage has affected all yr kids. First, you need to be emotionally strong and be emotionally there for them, not physically. My mom was not emotionally there for me but physically there for me 24 hours. It doesn not make me a confident child as my dad is a very angry person, and our family was not very peaceful.

Yr youngest son is very insecure, that's why he wants you to pat him to sleep. you need to talk to both yr elder sons abt what is happening in the marriage, they need to know what is happening now as they are old enough to understand. Yr kids are not emotionally stable, you hv to be the father and mother, It is not easy on you, but you hv to very strong. You need to talk and explain to yr kids of the current situation, and what is going to happen in future. When they are aware of all this, they will understand and support you.

I don't believe in keeping things from kids, as they deserve to know the truth. Explain to them and also get them to help you in simple chores, kids are very helpful as long you involve them. It makes them feel useful and boost their confidence. Yr kids need the confidence, and you need to give them that with lots of encouragement. You can borrow books on raising emotionally healthy children if you don't know where to start from. Just google search the NLB website.
 
Hi janey,I know it's not right but it doesn't bother me s long as I draw my line. If I'm not neglected by my hub,u think I'd go to this extend? I share something with u. While I was gg through my last ivf,he'd only be home for my injection. Other than that,no. I need to drive myself for all my check up n even on the harvesting day n transfer day,m alone too. And d best part,I was sedated. He just couldn't care less. It's only 2weeks aft my embryo transfer,I found out he was not as bz as he has claimed. He was out having a good time with those PRC!!! Paid for their company!! Sing w them! And even request for the same PRC. How good do I feel? I've got no one to turn to. Only myself to face everything.
At times,he go Sands,those PRC pr wanted to pick him up. He told me himself ACCIDENTlY! When I ask more,he show temper. Shout at me. Saying he hates to tell me things cos I think too much n ask too much. Which wife at the right frame of mind dun mind n won't ask? He can even tell me she is a pr here. 28yrs old!!! If u are me,how u feel? I kept quiet .
So right now,I'm just out having some fun cos aft all that I've been through,I think it's high time I consider abt my own happiness . I dun have another 39yrs to waste.. I'm sorry dear..
 
Tks moorspa, tks for your encouragement and advice.... am trying to stay strong on my part. Like u, I also don't believe in keeping thing/secret from children...they deserve to know the truth as they are part of the family. Even if I choose to keep quiet, they see it with their own eyes.. their daddy is always not there for them, they lack of father love..(worst -for nearly a month since april, the father did not talk to anyone one of us even his own kids for a single word). Yes, I did borrow some books for reference, currently having a book with me title 'Good Parenting through Your Divorce' by Mary Ellen - is claimed to be a essential guidebook to helping children adjust and understand what r the issue they going to face in the future..but think may hv borrow the inappropriate book for now, will go and search for more books like what you recommend on raising emotional healthy and confident children......
 
Hi moorspa,I understand what you mean. I should say we woman are just so dumb. We love our hub n our family so dearly.. And I'm one of those fools and I bet all my dearies here are too.. I know emotions this thingy is diffcult to avoid but I still honor my responsibility to my family my hub n my boy..
 
Tks moorspa, tks for your encouragement and advice.... am trying to stay strong on my part. Like u, I also don't believe in keeping thing/secret from children...they deserve to know the truth as they are part of the family. Even if I choose to keep quiet, they see it with their own eyes.. their daddy is always not there for them, they lack of father love..(worst -for nearly a month since april, the father did not talk to anyone one of us even his own kids for a single word). Yes, I did borrow some books for reference, currently having a book with me title 'Good Parenting through Your Divorce' by Mary Ellen - is claimed to be a essential guidebook to helping children adjust and understand what r the issue they going to face in the future..but think may hv borrow the inappropriate book for now, will go and search for more books like what you recommend on raising emotional healthy and confident children......
 
Hi lynnang,I know how heart broken u are now.. Cos at first,I go out 2 to 3xs a week n my boy called my Hp to ask me to go home.. Now I club once. That's all.
As for your boy,just spend more time with him.. No choice. Too bad u are staying so far away.. If in woodlands,our kids can be frens and maybe we can help look out for each other. Woman like us are quite helpless when things like this happen.. Not like man,they can just let go. If u need any help,let me know.. I'd try my very best to help.. Need a listening ear,take mine!!
 
Bek, thanks. Ur understanding and a pair of listening ears is really appreciated. I also wish if only i hv stay in woodlands, then my boy and yours can be friends. Here, is the only place I can pour out all my sorrow and anger.....and hv all u dearest and kind mummies who understand me and encourage me, at least giving me some strength to stay strong these days....... THANK YOU.
 
really sorry to hear what u going thru with your husband, if you husband is like that, then are u doing this to take revenge? why not settle with him and happily go with your ex?
 
do your ex knows u are married? what's his intention, just to have fun at the expense of your marriage?

do u know what u hated about your husband, u are fast becoming once, pls for your son's sake, he already have a father who misbehave and the mother also like that
 
Wow... after reading this thread.. I finally find somewhere to pour.. Though no affair/adultery in my case but it's something I wish i can have. Seriously... I think I need a companion too before depression comes!!

Bek, I so totally understand the things you do for the family but not appreciated by your hubby. How I wish I have a companion like you do.

I'm a mother of 2 - 3yrs & 2yrs. for the past 3yrs all my free time are theirs. No nite out, no gatherings with gf, hardly hv chance for myself. It has become a routine.. Work & home only. It's all about them and no more me. Communication start breaking dw much less the time spend together. He is always home after 12mn. He spend most of his Sat with his friends and home only in the wee hrs then he spend his whole sunday sleeping. The number of hrs he spent with US from mon - sat cannot even add up to 1hr. How pathethic can one be!!
We dun seem as impt to him as his friends. I really cannot understand him more and more as time passed.
 
Bek, sorry to say this, but your method is not the best solution for your current situation, in fact, it will bring more problems to your marriage. Take before it's goes any further
 
Bek, u know it's wrong. imagine what will your husband do if he find out? The worse scenario is if he get the evidence, what is going to happens to your son.
 
Hi Bek, AJ, did your hubby "chong" that hard during the time when u married but not yet have kids? I was wondering what kind of excuse they use when he came back 12mn, 4am??? For sure nobody will use OT as a reason.
 
mummyof2rascals.. my hubby not the'chong' type. he and friends are more to sit down talk cock and drink (of coz). This is him. before marriage after marriage. not getting any better after the kids arrive. Communication just getting from bad to worse because i used to join him but no longer after 1st bb arrive.
no excuses given... just say "as usual lor.. what else" haizz...
 
Hi Garfield,janey,sha,frankly I've tried countless to settle and iron out all differences but nothing seems to work.
-go on dates with him. He doesn't wanna talk much. And it's more like a q n ans date. I ask n he and. Other than that,he kept quiet.

-text him telling him how I feel cos maybe this way,I can express better but no reply fr him. When I ask why no reply,he always say MSG like those are not suppose to be replied.

-sit down n try to talk to him gently and tell him to let me know what have gone wrong we can work on it. He just sit n play his Hp.

-tried talkin to him in bed so we could discuss things and maybe end up making love,he doze off.

-tried talking to him in d mrng or just a q fr me
can u dun stay up do late or dun talk to much with those PRC cos I love him. He'd tell me off,why wanna spoil his mrng n hang up.

-ask him to go for movie,he too tired
-go for a drink,too noisy
((no ktv pls cos reminds me of him n his PRC date))

I know it's wrong to see my x but what else can I do? I've stayed more than enough at home n sulk. My gf? I have only 2.. Pathetic right but it's true cos I've not seen the outside world for more than 10yrs n secondly,I work for my parents. I've got no other colleagues except my parents. I've got no one to talk to or turn to. I dun want my parents to worry so I need to be strong and face the world myself. I go out only abt 9pm.. My boy already slept or abt to n guess what,I'm home abt 1am or even before.. So I think it's not too much..

If my hub were to love me more..spend slightly more time w me,I'd not do all these. Im so devoted to him. On our 10th anniversary,he was home at 4am. Not with me but w his fren. No nagging fr me too cos I love him. I bear it. But I'm home alone all d time. In a week,we talk less than 2hrs n see each other less than 5hrs!! As n when he spend abit more time w me,I'm like a pathetic dog wagging my tail happily cos my owner is patting my head..

Sigh...
 
Bek...
I so understand the feeling you are having. We are simply in the same shoes. It's EXACTLY what I'm going through just that I do not have any 3rd party. Well at least you have a companion which I envy.
Seriously I think if you knw your limit and stop at where it's right, it's not all wrong abt it.
 
Bek, all good things will come to a end eventually but when it's time to, r u able to let go without getting emotional?

N u already say he's ur ex 15yrs ago, ppl change n u might not noe how much he has change..n wat does he see u as? NSA?
A gd friend will not cross the border n take advantage of u.
With intimate act, u r putting urself at risk of std n unwanted pregnancies as well. U think this ex will still be there for u if things escalate out of control n wanted him to take responsibility?

No matter what u did, protect ur own interests too WO being take for advantage by others. The worst thing that I wan to see is my friends being taken advantage of, feelings toyed n when he's gone, fruitless silly attempts to retain his heart.

AJ, it is not a good thing to envy with to have complicated r/s that will only make the current life messier..
 
Hi mummy n AJfamily,before marriage,it's still not do bad.. It's just getting from bad to worse.. and I'm sick of telling him. I stay w my very n extremely selfish mil that dun bother at all. So what more can I say? Secondly,I've done all that it need to be done n said all that it need to be said. If I'm to continue saying,I'm like nagging so I choose to stop.. Jus let him do what he think is right.. It's useless for me to remind him over n over everyday.. Very tiring n sickening. I dun want to be pathetic anymore.. I dun want to everyday like a stupid dog waiting for the love n attention fr my master...
 
Susanna,to me,I can do it. Deep inside my heart,there is only my hub n no one else. At the moment now,I'm jus making myself happier n not messier.. Frankly,which woman wants to do this if their hub were to love n give them more attention as vowed on d day of marriage?? I doubt. We woman kept our vows,Honor our promise to be faithful n be with our hub no matter what. But for my hub,he decided to ditch me half way n lead his own life just half way through.. Aft countless ways n means to improve our marriage,nothing seems to change.
And the most upset n stressful part was when I first know he was seeing a PRC,I degrade myself to try my best to make love to him more cos I thought it might be my fault.. (Once weekly to 2-3x weekly) But even so,he doesn't care n appreciate me at all. I even put my boy on the mattress but I will sleep on a king size bed myself everyday till I gave up..
At least now,I sees abit of sun rays.. I felt happier.. I dun need to bug him to call me or text me more.. Now he knows every fri I'd be out but I told him i m out w a group.. He didn't ask much too. When I'm back,I still need to feed him on what I did n where I've been cos he couldn't care less n never ask at all.. Sigh...
 
Bek, at the rate really where the marriage is heading to....

Just as a friend advice to u, dun get involved emotional n physical to the ex.... He's a soulmate but get too involved with him.
 
Bek,

It is not yr fault that yr husband looks for other women. It is never yr fault. I know how u feel but hv u thought of counselling since u want the marriage? The method u choose to make yrself happier is only temporary and will not help you solve the root of the problem. I hv thought of such methods but I know it'll not solve my problem permanently. It definitely feels gd to hv someone fulfil yr needs but for how long? Like what other mummies hv said, if yr hubby finds out one day, u may not be able to keep this marriage. Nothing is foolproof, to live a double life is not easy.

Why drop yrself to yr husband's level? Hv u thought of why you are so needy of yr husband's attention? Do u hv any underlying issues with yr own family in the past that makes you what you are now? You may want to go for counseling for yrself if u are open to it. I went for counseling for the first time yesterday, cos I need to manage my anger, hurt. After counseling, I learnt I brought my past hurt from my family to my marriage. I cried a lot during e session. I was very hurt by my father when I was 5. I remembered I was thrown against the wall cos i woke up crying in the middle of the night. I was not consoled by anyone and I was traumatized since then. I was often criticized badly by my own father n I hv low self esteem. I longed to hv a loving family but if didn't work out. The counselor told me I hv brought my old hurts which were not resolved to e marriage. I am still working on myself and I wish to resolve all these problems one by one. My own family didn't apologized for the wrongs they hv done to me, I hv to let it go even if they are in the wrong cos my mum taught me so. However, I didn't really let go n it became resentment cos I was being taken for granted, as I was a quiet child n was always suppressed by my dad n mum.

I am still researching on how to resolve emotional hurts besides going for counseling. I will try out different counseling if this current one doesn't work out. I wished I hv gone for counseling earlier.
 


My routine is like work from 9-6pm, stay at home to guide child's homwork 8-10pm... sleep but suffer from insomnia.. maybe due to too much worries...Recently i jog daily trying to reduce the stress..
 

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