Hello to everybody
I've just lost my baby boy, Hosea. I was in my 5th mth when i had a miscarriage. My water bag burst. Few days prior to my miscarriage, during a routine gynae check-up, while scanning I saw him playing wih his toes and fingers. The next thing I know, Hosea and I were in hospital fighting for his little life.
2 days after we were hospitalised, there's no sign that my water bag is going to mend up by itself. My gynae said there's nothing anyone can do to mend the broken waterbag, except to hope that it will close up by itself. At the sametime, my gynae wans me to seriously consider removing the Hosea. He was worried infection wld set in. I REFUSED! I told him I will continue to hold on for as long as I can. But of course, he is not agreeable.
He does not want me to risk my womb for infection. But on the other hand, I can't bear to let go. Hosea, during those time are still very very much alive. Without the water around, I can feel him even when he makes the slightest movement. So how can i bear to let go? How can I bear letting the gynae stop his little heart? The gynae said he wld inject some kind of medicine into his heart thru the scanner, and the thought of watching his little heart stop gradually will kill me. So i refuse to do it. Then the gynae again said, the longer I hold on, the higher i am at risk for infection...he's worried that infection can be so bad, in the end i will not only lost Hosea, but also my womb.
Still.....I REFUSE to let anyone touch Hosea's life. But my gynae said, eventually the body will auto-abort the baby.
At that point, it was like I am being slapped hard by reality that IT'S A FACT I WILL LOSE HOSEA. I slipped into depression. I went hysterical in the hosipital and doctor had to be called in to calm me down. I thought I was going to die. Next day, my gyane came and check on me and told me that we realli hv to decide when to pull the plug. And I told him, I will not let ANYONE poke anything into Hosea's heart. I will not let anyonw hurry Hosea into anything. Since he said earlier that my body will auto-abort, I will wait for the labour to kick in then.
Next day (23 July 06) I felt something in between my legs, I asked my hubby to get the nurse in. They checked me and found Hosea's leg dangling outside me. My body had started the labour process without me knowing, I din feel any great pain...just some pain ard the abdomen area..maybe bcos afterall the heartbreak that I had been going thru, I am numb my other pain I din even realise the my body had already kick start the labour process!
When the gynae came and check, cervix already dilated to 3cm. At that point, though Hosea had slided down already, he's still alive! I can feel him moving his tiny feet the whole night while waiting for my cervix to dilate further. The whole night, I just lay in bed, talking to Hosea....telling him how sorry i am to have to put him thru this. I hated myself.
On 24 July, my own gyane came and see me in the mng and after checking, he told me my cervix did not dilate any further since last night, it's still at 3cm. Bcos Hosea already slided down, they can't pull him (his fragile tiny body will break) so they induce me.
After 2.5hrs of labour pain,Hosea was born and called home at 1130am. The nurses asked if i wan to see Hosea, I told them no..which i regretted now. The casket pple came and collect my Hosea in noon, my husband knew I wld regret if I don't see him and so asked the casket pple not to seal his tiny coffin until Mommy sees him.
Next day, I was discharge and went straight to the casket company. As I see the casket guy carry the tiny coffin out, I nearly died. I wish I could be dead at that instant, so that I can go with Hosea. And I thought that's the worse I will feel. I am wrong.
On 25 July, we held a funeral mass for Hosea. Hosea was baptized at the same time. Afterwhich, we went to the "huo hua" place (the place where casket were being burnt)....I thought I am strong to go thru it...I was WRONG..
When they moved Hosea out of the hall, I.....I...on its way to the burner....I was devasted...I felt my mind being torn into pieces. I thought I wld be strong to witness this, I wasn't prepared for this over whelming pain. When we were at the observing room, I almost died when I saw his little casket being pushed into room, ready to go into the burner. I hope so much there and then...God wld come and claim me RIGHT THERE...like how he had claimed Hosea. I screamed, I yelled,I cried my heart out, nothing can stop my Hosea being pushed into the burner. Nothing..........
The pain of losing him is HUGE. No amount of words can calm me, no amount of support can help support the pain I am feeling, no amount of anything can help me in any way.... I jus wished I wld die. The correct way of saying shld be.....I wan to BE DEAD
2 days later, I was back in the emergency room in the hospital....My womb kena infection.. I had very high fever and I can't breathe. I had less that 70% of oxygen in my body. I cun breathe on my own. For a moment, I was very glad. I thought GOD had heard me and taken pity on me. I remember asking my gf "Am I going to die" before passing out. I thought He had come to claim me to be with Hosea....but he din...
After a few days of stay in the hospital, i was cleared of infection and was diagnosed with Adenomyosis. Had 3 growth, the biggest measuring 10cm. Gynae told me to come back in Oct to do surgery to remove them. The downside of this surgery...my next preggie, I cannot have natural birth, it wld be a C section.
When I saw my gynae 2 weeks ago, he told me he CANNOT any trace of them being there!! They are all gone! He expect to see 3 smaller balls, but they are not there. My gynae told me it's a miracle that they are gone. PRAISE THE LORD! See, for all that I went through, I din know how to deal with the immense pain and sadness that I am dealing with I went to seek refuge in God's loving arm. I buried myself in God's word and teaching in whatever free time I have. I lifted all my worries,anxiety, sadness, pain to Him.
It's been 4mths since I lost Hosea. But the pain still remains. I still misses Hosea. All the morning walks we wld take together, the songs and story which I will sing and read to him, the food we ate together, the shower we take together, the play times we have with my dog, the chats we have while i am walking to the train station...and many other things which I share wif Hosea. Nobody will ever be as close to me as Hosea. Not even my husband. Once a while, I will slip into the valley of depression when I think about Hosea. The missing part is just so unbearable. ****If you are Christian reading this, pls say a prayer for my son, Hosea. Hosea didn't leave this world with peace in his heart, I don't want him to be in purgatory..pls say a prayer for him****
Now I am worried that I will not be able to conceive again due to Adenomyosis. Thought Adenomyosis is not life threatening, it does affect fertilty.....Does anyone know what can I do to slower the thickening of my uterus wall (caused by Adenomyosis)
