MOTHER-IN-LAW PROBLEMS


staywithmil, sigh. i now no mil prob liao cos not staying with her. but i understand cos last time she come and stay also bring a lot of things. imagine we even go and buy an extra table and FOOD COVER (gosh, i also no time to cook) to put in the kitchen cos she complain not enough place to put things. now the 80% of the table is collecting dust, not to mention the food cover. oh, did i mention extra bowls and plates and spoons cos she thinks our bowls are too heavy and too big! must also blame my mum, go and give me another set also! sian. now with baby, i oso no time to clear up my HDB flat back to the designer condition. hai.......

hey gals, i'm just complaining for the past only. hehe. dun take it too seriously cos mil is not a problem now.
 
countermil
when can i be like u? i also want mil problem to be a thing of past also
 
staywithmil, TAHAN.......... but i dun think i want what happened to me to happen to you loh. it's not good. but at least they dun dare to bully me now.
 
Counter MIL, staywithmil:

if i had not insist NOT to have those 3 irritating people (PILs & SIL) around our house, i probaby guess they would had shifted into our place already. Ladies, INSIST NOT to stay as far as you can coz it's going to be problem and more problem...

Here ladies out there, I am not saying it's not good to stay together if it's gonna be fine, I am saying if possible, try to avoid it.

You see for my case, even not staying together have conflicts already, not to say to STAY together! Pui.. i dun wan...
 
bitbit
for my case, it is tough NOT to insist. for reasons being my hb is the only son. and they volunteer to help us with our boy. furthermore, they move out of their hometown - big sacrifice, just to move in with us, so for our convenience.
 
Saw the postings where mummies mentioned about drinking the "Fu Shui", my child also did that before but i am still quite ok to this, maybe in some ways i am also having the "old" thinking prior to my religion. But the only thing i can't accept is MIL been giving too much "Jing Feng Shan" when my child only few days old...till about 3 months when i finally found a nanny to babysit him! I duno if it has any effect on him but now his digestive system is real bad. Have bought him to chinese physician and was told that his digestive system was weak, too weak that food went in and passed out again "without storing" so that poor fellow always very skinny...I duno what's the cause of this problem but when i recalled the powder she fed him i got very frustrated and real regretted that i let her be during that time! I should have shout loud that once is enuff or best, dun take anything.

Hi Mrs Teo,

My MIL only dares to ask allowance from my hubby. The other 2 sons she won't ask and they won't bother as thinking that the eldest brother is doing the job all these ten over years. MIL only know how to "give" $ for her other grand children during birthdays or special occassion. As for my child, she simply "forget it". That's her style loh! Just think, she didn't even give a red packet for my child's 1st birthday...but she took taxi all the way from West to East just to give her 1st and 3rd granchild red packet during their 1st birthday! As for the house key, i have recently ask my hubby to get back the original set for myself as the duplicate set always giving me problems...if he has the courage to "exchange" back! (He claimed giving her the keys means respect and welcome to our house!) Sigh......
 
Sigh.....all the mother in law problem.

There is an old saying 2 women can never live in one roof. My MIL is someone over careful and too nitty gritty over unnecessary thing. She has hearing problem and it often leads to unneccessary unhappiness among us. Her face will suddenly become very black one day and all people never know what happen. The first time she did it i chose to sayang her, then come the second time. This time i chose to ignore her totally and the next moment she come smilingly at me. Childish!!
As a person who is paranoid about my baby diet, i will tell her that i will need her to feed her fruits in the afternoon when i am not around so that my baby can get 2 serving of fruits every day as there are already blood in the stool. She can still ask me: " What the fruits for?" I had already emphasisse to her that porridge will need to have both protein and vege for balance diet. Often i saw her preparing only the protein or nothing at all. So now everymorning i will just prepare the food in advance in a slow cooker. I am just hoping that the long cooking hour will not spoil the vitamin and mineral.

She will sometime "hear things wrongly" so that things can be done in her way. Like one small incident, we were out the whole day and we went back to FIL car to get something. Hb want us to refill the water as well, as there are some in FIL car. MIL kept telling me "no need lah , no need lah" so i never insist. Then she tell hb that i am the one who say no need to refill water. Lucky thing is my hubby knows his mother, it therefore did not lead to anything. But this is only one of the small incident. Other time i really keep quiet.
Not to talk about the cleanliness of the house, whenever she some over to look after my baby. The house will be a mess and i will need to clean up every evening i am back. Not to mentioned the unflush toilet.

Every now and then i kept telling myself, MIL is actually a nice person but it is the living standard and habit that bring the differences. Things still carry on, i will not stop letting MIL take care of my little one as i know that she loves my baby a lot just that she is very lazy. But i just need a place to vent my frustration of all the build up for the pass one year.

Thank you for reading . Thank you for your patience
 
hi
can see alot of unhappy DIL here. i'm one of it too.. mil complains of my upbringing of my child. fil complains that i shouldn't scold my child when she did something wrong.. only can do reasoning with her.. but being 21mths old, do they understand reasoning.. becoz i'm staying with my Pils, i had a hard time teaching my child. under their pamering, my child turn rude now.. she can tell me to get out when i blocked her way.. i was so shocked.. the 1st thing i do, i gave her a slap on the cheeks.. not those tight slap la.. just a small one.. then my Fil shouted at me for being so rough.. in the end, i shouted back at him.. for dun noe how to teach children.. that why, my hb and my Bil scold and shout at their mum all the time.. i dun wan my child to end up like tat.

and they think i'm living off them too. my hb din even give me jia yong, i'm currently back to sch to upgrade myself, the sch gave me $800 as allowance and this $800 is for me and my child expenses.. and to think, i scrimp and save to give my mil $100 every mth.. if she wants more $$, why cant she take from her son.. my hb earns abt 2k per month..

and recently, i heard a shocking news too.. my Bil's gf.. she called me up suddenly (note: we hardly talked one.. so when she call me, i'm quite shocked)
his gf told me, she and my Bil were facing a rough patch in r/s and abt to break up.
she told me after i gave birth not long ago, she found out she pregnant too.. she told my Bil who in turn told his own mother.. guess wat my mil told her back?! "ABORT THE BABY!!!"
i was so shocked by the remarks made by my mil.. my mil even threatened her not to tell her own mother.. i was even more shocked...
so being forced, she went for abortion.. ti's already 1 yr plus since the incident.. but she stil cant get over it.. she told me whenever she saw my mil, she's so angry and she hated her.. i tell her, u shld hate her. that's why it's straining their r/s now.. and she dun noe wat to do.. so she confide in me.
becoz i was a shotgun also, but i stood firm by my decision when my mil turn me away.. saying it's a loss of face.. i decided to become a single mother then.. but my hb supported me then.. he moved out and moved in with me to my mother's hse.. i guess my mil started missing her precious son... so she asked us to get married and moved back.
where else the gf say she scared... then somemore she hongkonger.. just got PR not long ago.. so not much friends here..

but after listening to wat she say, now whenever i see my mil, my blood begins to boiled again.. just like when she rejected me from entering her family.. such heartless mil
 
Just now had a big fight with my hubby infront of my mil! What a mooncake festival today! Started with my mum asking us over for dinner and hubby claimed today 15th must take vegetarian food. End up mil came over with cooked food. Best thing - all MEAT, these was left over food which mil cooked for bro-in-law when he went over for dinner last evening! What vegetarian food! He ended up finished all the food simply cooked by his mum! Then my child tried to take advantage of his ah-mah around and trying to be funny with me. He tested my patience by doing all unreasonable things with mil until i was so mad that i used cane on him. There came the protecting ah-mah talking craps and take side of the grandson and bad mouthed about me to my hubby. To the situation that she gave the impression to my child that "got ah-mah around ok liao, no need mummy!" I was so mad that i agued over this with hubby and he said let her be cos she is mil! I protested that i have my own way of discipline the child, not for her to say a word because this is my house and i got the say in the upbringing! Sacrificed all my weekend outings simply because of mil will be here but each weekend is disaster due to her appearance! Hubby claimed that all grannies are the same! But their concept is wrong, how can he let his mum to give the idea to the kid that only ah-mah around is enough already. They are giving him the idea that mummy is replacable by ah-mah! Hubby said it was my fault because i was not "generous" and i should let her be since she is mil! Now she is holding my kid tight tight and avoid where i go in the house and disallow me to get near! I think she is crazy, she told me she only see the grandchild once a week and i told her me too since we only brought him home from the nanny there over the weekend! But she treated him liked dirt if the other grandchildren around and mine to her is invincible, even toys are all taken away for the other grandchildren to play and told mm child, never mind they are your brothers let them play! And even she here she kept talking about the other grandchildren, saying who is smart who is clever. I dun need her to priase my child, anyway too small to praise, but at least she must know where her foot is stepping at the moment she kept saying the other grandchildren! If she so miss them, go to visit them instead why come my place each weekend? The answer is all the sis-in-laws do not welcome her to go visiting at all so she feel liked strike lottery if she is being asked over 2 times a year! And now my child is kicking up a big fuss saying wanted to go ah-mah place to stay and asking ah-may to stay overnight. Duno what black magic she used! I really hate her! Dun mention of seeing her face, hearing her voice already make me crazy, just liked having an amplifier with full blast that my head going spinning!
 
By the way, wanna ask any mummy can provide me Geomancer "You Long Zi" contact? Thanks.
 
Hi to all who can't stand the way MIL takes care of your bb:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! Me TOO!!!
that's y I put my bb in an infant care when she was 7 months old. My second one will be there in 2 months' time.

Want a good and reliable one? Try the one my daughter is in - Greentree Montessori. it is expensive but at that time, I just want my MIL's hands off my bb. My mum is a nurse and she warns me of some of the things that my MIL did to my bb. so dangerous! to top if off, she is a v stubborn lady who thinks that she damn clever cos she is a full time house wife. Let me say this - full time housewives are the worst care givers especially if they are not receptive to new ideas and new ways of taking care of bbs and stubborn in their old ways of taking care of bb.

Nannies maybe more receptive but not MILs cos they think that we are the less informed and stupider "young " DILs.

I dont' trust maids. I am really thankful for being able to fiid this infant care centre.

mrs Teo, you may want to consider this iifant care. It has a continuation program to a childcare centre. My aughter is still there. Tried to switch her to a cheaper one but realized that Greentree is still the best. The principal is v caring and has a masters in preschooler's education. There is also a very reliable care giver in the infant classroom - her sister, (a lady in her 50's) who really cares for the children.

They also report everything to you when you pick up the bb. used to have a daily report for parents, not sure if they have it now though.
 
hi 2nd hand mom,
where is Greentree Montessori? how much do they charge u?

I am planning for my 2nd child next yr...oso think of putting him/her at infant care center.
 
Hi Avocado,
Greentree is located at 34 westlake avenue, near to macritchie reservoir.

Charges for 18 mth and above is about $700+ after subsidy and 2 mths to 18 mths is $700 after subsidy.

Quite expensive but worth it. I have been tightening my belts just to send my kids there.
 
Hi 2nd hand mum,
thanks for info
happy.gif
will they penalize if pick up the BBs late??

do they charge more once the BBs on solid?what is the ratio of caretaker vs bb?

Will u be sending ur 2nd bb to them too?
 
Hi 2nd hand mum,

Do u plan to engage a maid to help u?

I don't hv prob wf my MIL. I've prob wf my HB's SIL (his elder brother's wife). My PIL r staying 2gether wf them. Not really a huge prob wf her. But she likes to make comments, kepo ard & make things difficult to us.

I foresee there'll be more prob arise when my boy turns 2yrs coz that is the age whereby he can talk & pick up habits. I don't wanna him to pick up bad habits such as having meals while watching TV or being rude to ppl, just like my HB's 8yrs old nephew(his SIL's elder son). And my MIL is those type like ur MIL, do not like to take advice fr. other ppl. Moreover, my MIL always being influenced by his SIL. I dun blame her bcoz they stay 2gether. I ever told her that we're parents, thus, we shld decide the way how we shld educate/teach our boy, even include his daily diets.

I know my MIL has been very kind enough to take care of my boy so I oso just be more chin chai & close one eye.But recently, the situation gets worse. I've been having sleepless nights for the past few days.

I've been thinking if I shld quit my job, hire a maid & be SAHM, or shld I send my 14mth boy to infant care? My boy is so close wf my MIL now, it is so cruel to break them up. Oso, wat excuse shld I give her? As for my boy, will he get used of the new environment?

*headache*
 
MIL stories will never end. My hubby grew up eating food bought from downstairs because his mother is very lazy to cook. Needless to say, she is not the type who will buy a fish and steam for her grandchildren to eat. She is also squeamish when she hears breast feeding. Her upbringing is such that everything else is not important, but having money is most important. Typical Hakka woman, she likes having her children by her side as she considers grandchildren and daughters-in-law/son-in-law to be outsiders. I never stop my hubby from going back to visit her, but don't ask me and the kids along.
 
Janet,
ya i agree with u that MIL stories will never end. if i sit down & talk abt MIL with my colic sure i flaming hot liao. ehehe

hey ur MIL also hakka lady ar. care to share with me more cos my b family is PURE hakka lagi meow ku ar. ahaha sorry if i offended any one in this forum who are hakka, but indeed my PILs are those typical meow one.

We dun give my MIL money / allowance every mth one. even after moving to our own home also NO. she every wk sure miss her son sure cook nice food ask him go back eat one. So one day she hint to his son that he never give her allowances ar. then somemore when telling him LOOK AT ME. what that meaning. if u want money take from ur son, but not me. i am poor woman. more poor than her ar. but i dun care abt her, i put my eyes fully on TV dun see her "yan sheng" hahaha. then i tell hb can dun go back eat anot. since mother aldy say go market buy vege alsowant money then feed this son so big liao 10cents also dun have. she is not working lar.
then hb say what leh. Nvm, anyway not we call to go back eat is MIL call herself ask we all go back eat. I prefer to cook & eat myself ar. no Stress also ar. sometime will emphais this fish is how much how ex. eat also feel stress & fed up.
 
Jenny, my MIL is very good at drama. Now she is sucking up to her eldest DIL and vice versa. When my bb girl was born, she kept changing the time to come to the hospital. I got fed up and told my hubby if she is not keen to visit, don't come. When my son was born, she came immediately.

After reaching, she came into the room with her hands behind her back and glimpsed at my girl, then walked out.
 
Dear all,

I am in the same shoes as all of you. I can understand how you girls feel. My MIL does not like me coz she is jealous of me for taking her son away from her.
Luckily I did not stay with her if not I will either go crazy or file for divorce. But sad to say, we stay near her. Very suay.
The very first day I was married into the family 2 years ago, she already give me face colour liao. SHe only cares for her own son and treat me like an outsider. Dun want to eat together when we go home. Just want to eat with her son only. When we plan to go on a honeymoon also want to follow. Worst still, she even suggest sharing the hotel room with us. In the end, we need to go and tell her after we came back from the honeymoon. From that time on, whenever my hubby go outstation, she will mention that she wants to tag along and go there for shopping.

She does not give a damn about me.When my hubby treat me nicer, she will glared at me as if I am my hubby's mistress and she is his first wife.

When I got pregnant, my hubby asked her to make bird nest for me. Guess what's her reaction?? SHe asked my hubby to give her $$$ to buy birdnest.
When I hubby tell her to give me birdnest in my first trimester of my pregnancy, she told him that its not time yet coz the baby is too small to absorb birdnest and the person who will benefit from the nutrition is me. So must wait until my baby bigger then can give me birdnest so that all will be absorbed by my baby.

How would you feel if you heard what she said. Its as if I am not a human and is just a baby production machine or an low grade human who does not deserve good stuff.
Luckily my parents took care of me during my pregnancy. They gave me all the supplements like birdnest throughout my pregnancy.
After my baby is born, my MIL starts to visit me everyday to see her grandson and start to prob the question of who will be looking after my son. I discuss the issue with my hubby and decided that since she does not treat me fairly, we will not let her look after my son. I got my own mother to look come and stay with me and look after my son. At least I know that my mum who used to be a baby sitter will do a better job. Another reason for not lettin my MIL to look after my son is that, She already treated me badly and sees me as an outsider, my worries is if I let her look after my son, I can gurantee that she will teach my son to disobey me and treat me the same way she treated me. That is with no respect. I tell myself that this must not happened to me. Although she is not happy with the arrangement, she cannot do anything. My hubby told me that this is the only thing he can do for me. That is to reject his own mother and let my mum take care of my son and I also hire a maid to help out with our household as my mum is quite old already.

I got another problem coming up. My SIL will be giving birth son and my mum will eventually go back to help take care. As they were living quite far from me, it is impossible to bring my son to my brother's place to let my mum take care of my son. I will need to let my maid take care of my son.
Once, my MIL knows that my SIL has conceived, she will definitely drop by my house almost everyday to KPO. I don;t mind her dropping by my house, if she treats me like a DIL. TO her, I am like an outsider, whose job is to help them to extend their family line and that's all.
On one ocassion, my MIL was very rude to me infront of my maid. My maid was shocked and she kind of pity and at the same time wondering why my MIL hates me so much. I told her my plight and she pities me alot. SHe told me that I am too kind that's why being bullied by people. I do not want my son to grow up looking down on me and treats me the same way my MIL treats me. Until today, I still think that I have made the right choice by not letting my MIL taking care of my son.

I do hope,there is a social organisation that can listen to our problems. Its not easy being a DIL and being a working mother. During the weekdays, we had to handle office affairs and in the weekend I need to handle my MIL.

Thanks for listening to me as this is the only way to pour out my woes. My hubby is already very tired to listening to my woes and there is no other person who can help to give me a listening ear.
 
Hi, just some MIL stories to share with you all. (by the way,my MIL is also a typical Hakka woman). She does not stay with me until last year Nov when she had a knee operation and from then on till now she had decided not to leave and continue staying with us leaving my FIL alone in her own house. She said she want to 'help' me but please, please is she helping me? She is just giving me problems and sleepless nights.

Since she come over, she wants to take over the cooking and marketing (so sad have to share with her the house and the kitchen). She said that those vegetables and meat from supermarket which I like to buy from are not fresh so she will make a trip all the way to her own estate's market to buy. But do you know she simply enjoy buying a lot at one time and store them up in the fridge that can sometimes last for at least 2 weeks, Imagine that! does that consider fresh? I'm worried for the health of my 2 children, my daughter is only 5 years old and my son is only 3 years old. But what can I do? My husband is a 100% filel son. I do not want to talk abt my problems with my MIL with him as he will only side his mum. He even ever mentioned that I'm not educated; not to be able to get along with his mum. Like mother like son, my MIL also ever scolded me for being not educated 'mei yu du shu'as she knows that I do not like her to stay with me; no respect for elderly woman! (the fact is I'm a graduate and by the way is it true that if a person cannot get along with MIL refects that she is not well educated?)

MIL helps me to look after my children until last year Jan when I stopped working. She mentioned that after I brought my children home, she had been crying for 3 -4 months last year! She like to buy clothes and alot of other things even their underwear and panties for my children and its like once a week without fail!Some of the clothes she bought from the market is not to my taste but she insists my children to wear them. Sometimes, I cannot help but feel that is she trying to take over my position as a mother.

She had a daughter married to Australia and had 2 grandchildren there. They have not seen other for almost 2 years and she has always mentioned she wanted to go and visit them. However, when my husband who is going there on a business trip ask her to go along recently, she refused to go! She told my maid that she cried for one whole night saying that is my husband trying to chase her away by kept asking her to go to Australia. She also give all sorts of excuses including her famous quote "she wants to help me, so can't leave this house" I hated her quote. I am not working and also has a maid to help me I defintely has the ability to look after my family. What is all these nonsense? Can you all analyse for me?
 
Hi Avocado,

Sorry for missing in action....was really busy these few days.

Oh... YES! I am sending my 2nd bb there, just filled up the registration form last week. and No, they dun charge extra when bb goes on solid food.

Well, if you are late, then you are liable to be fined $5 for every 15 mins.... I think .. not sure. but so far, I have not been fined yet. when I know I will be late, I'll call b4 hand to tell them that I'll be xxx mins late. So far ok... but of course, sometimes, must give and take a bit...like offering help in outings or school functions lor....

If you are thinking of putting him there, then tell your MIL that at least he gets to learn something there, instead of staying at home, and most of the time, following the granny to watch TV, which is not good for kids. It dulls their brains. You will be amazed at the things that they can learn there. You can always call them and arrange for a visit and see for yourself their programs. Then can really think about it and tell your MIL about it to convince her lor... if you are going ...let me know....I can provide you more info and maybe meet you there with my bb. she's going end of this mth.

I do not want to employ maids as they are not trained in pre school education and I don't trust maids. No matter how good they are, do you think they will tell you when they have done something wrong? then if anything really happens to your kid, and they dare not tell you, it's worse cos you don't even know what happen and don't know what to tell the doctor, right?

Just to cite an example - My mum has a v good maid who takes care of my sis for 15 yrs, we treat her like one of us, but when she wants to cover things up, she still keeps quiet about things.....so what do you think? luckily so far, she covers only those trivial things..... (or maybe we did not know abt it...i really dunno)

You can't scold her badly cos u dunno what she will do to your kid behind your back...so.....that's y I dun want to employ maids even tho it is tiring for me. I just grit my teeth through lor.....that was what i did for my first gal too. it is always either me or the infant care and on adhoc basis - my mum when she is on leave.
 
dear all, i have suffered post natal depressions and suicidal and homocidal thoughts brought by my PILs. i have been tolerating them for 2 years until my son came along and until i nearly killed my children because of post natal depressions caused by them and my selfish ostrich husband who only know how to hide his head in the sand. but i finally managed to shook myself up and decided that thou shall not be bullied anymore. i know that my children are the ones who are going to suffer if mommy is a weakling. so, i flared up on CNy eve and exploded everything. felt damn great after that and told them straight that i do not have to rely on their precious son for survival. i can always easily find a job that pays me well if i choose to stop being a SAHM. i warned them that should they carried on their unreasonable and bullying ways, i have no problem relocating my children to elsewhere and divorce that stupid and useless husband who tells me that i am not having post natal depression as i have not killed myself or my children yet. outcome: they are so shocked that nowadays, they are better behaved. but well, leopard doesn't change its spots. i do close 1 eye if possible but will not have any qualms telling them off anymore. all i can say is take charge and if you have to, ask all those devils to get out of your life. your children are the most important people.
 
Hi awake,

reading ur story reminds me of myself.

I also have an ostrich husband who, without fail, always hide himself in the room whenever MIL makes unreasonable requests and I refused to do her biddings (ends up quarrelling). Once, I told husband to stand up and say a word of fairness, guess what he said? He said he won't do it, because that would mean confronting his mum and making her even more angry. Then I asked him if he doesn't care if his wife is being wrongly accused. He kept quiet. I have become very disheartened. These few days, I had declared cold war with husband because I felt i needed time to rethink about our marriage. I foresee there will be even more problems and heartaches the next time we have kids. As such, i am taking this opportunity to relook through our relationship.

I can totally sympathise with u.If i were in ur shoes, for the sake of the kids, i will put up for as long as i can. At the same time, try to build up my financials. After that, if i feel that i cannot really tahan any longer, i will juz bring my kids and move elsewhere. I always believed that as long as u are willing to work hard, making a living should not be too much of a problem. u can always ask ur own parents to help u take care of ur kids while u are working. Life may be a bit more difficult then but definitely, u will be happier
 
dear same, i am tolerating for the sake of my children. otherwise, i would have long bolted for the door. i dun want my kids to grow up without a father. i used to curse myself and my kids, hoping that one day, if we die, he will finally wake up. but nowadays, i realised that so what if we die?? he dun care at all. because he n his parents thinking is : money is the most important. after that comes yourself. only your own life is precious. others are thrash. get it? that's the kind of love his teacher parents taught him. whenever i am sad, my 3 year old can tell me:" we don't want papa, ok? only want mama."
 
Same, Aware,

Tolerating the situation for your kids are not healthy. Your daughter(s) (if any) may become the same victim that you are because she takes after you example. Is moving out and staying on your own a viable solution? If so, just do it.

Years back, I told my husband that I am prepare to go against my family to preserve our marriage, will he do the same for me if it meant going against his mum? We both said "yes" to this question and we live by that. If my mum is unreasonable, I will tell her off, if his mum is unreasonable, he will tell her off.

Sometimes, living together will mean that your husband either be bu(4) xiao(4) towards his mum, or bu(4) ren(2) to his wife. Difficult situation. Anyway, we are not staying with parents, so the conflict is much lesser. Otherwise, given my character, I would have take the kids and march back to my mum's place to stay.
 
Hi ladies,

looks like the in laws stories are never ending.

Aware>> I also have teachers in law like you and they aren't easy to deal with. Mine was dominating type who like to take control of everything in the house even on how to take care of my child.

I am staying with in laws and also have my confinement with them. I almost fell into depression state but even my husband doesn't understand. Being a new mother, I would like to try my best to take care of the baby myself.. but my in laws don't understand that, they kept hogging over the baby and oblivious to my presence. When I am with the baby, they will keep watchful eye on me, as if I will hurt my own son. Once I tried to put my crying baby on the changing table to get ready to change his diaper, but my MIL just barged in and carry the baby away. I wanted to bathe the baby but she doesn't allow me to touch him, insisting that I don't know how to do it. She behaved as if the baby belong to her!

This bother me for almost 2 months, I tried telling my husband that I felt like the child is no longer mine after he is being born. But he kept insisting that it is wrong for me to think this way because not many people is as lucky as I'm to have such caring in laws to look after my baby. All I can do is to cry alone.. even my mum was so worried about me when she saw my red eyes when she visit me at my in laws place...

One day I reaches to a point that I can't control myself, I started to pick up a big quarrel with my mother in law, I used nasty words at her and of course, she is very upset, yelled back as if that I'm very rude to her afterall, she is my elder. My husband just remain quiet throughout while my father in law , of course, tried to side his wife.

After the fight, they give in to me, they stay away from the baby when I'm with him. However, my father in law and husband still called up my mother on separate occassion, they asked my mum to 'discipline' me. Luckily my mother understand the situation.. she can't do much but at least she provided me with the moral support which I need most.

My family had warn me that my husband is a mummy boy and I will never replace his parent as the most important people in his life. But I still choose to go into this marriage. I think now up to me to solve the problem I got myself into if I want to stay happy in this marriage.
Will be moving out soon. Hope the situation will be better
 
dear bluebells, i am not staying my my PIL at all but they have already driven me crazy with their daily interfering and unannounced checks and commands. god knows what will happen if we did stay together
 
Hi pp

I can fully understand your predicament cos I have the same problems too! MIL was never concerned about me during my pregnancy. And after my baby was borned, she treated him like gold and would carry my baby away from me whenever we are together. Perhaps she is anxious about her grandchild, but she treats me like I'm 'invisible' and as though I'm not the mother to my own child.
 
pp,

U mentioned tat ur hubby is a mummy boy and tat u will be moving out soon. The fact that ur hubby agrees to move out with u would mean that he acknowledges and realises the seriousness of the situation. His moving out together with u and baby signifies that he places u all as his number 1 priority. Its a good start, isn't it?
 
Aware,

Share with you one incident. I am one of those active people and will go window-shopping, or whatever, but never always want to stay at home. My MIL, on the other hand is very much a stay at home person, so perhaps she expect the same from us. By the way, we don't stay in our parents. So on one of those Sundays, we were out, when my MIL visited. Naturally, we were not home. I know it sounded bad, but I told my hubby it served her right loh, for not calling to inform us before she comes. Cannot think that we will always be home, right? With kids now, we are even busier. They have enrichment classes, and we take them swimming every sunday, and grandparents visiting every saturday for the girls to play with their cousins. My mum's side of the family are very closely knitted. But not my hubby's side. So naturally, I am closer to my family and relatives. Sometimes, I am so jealous that they side my hubby and poke fun at me, but I am happy about it. So it has been a few years since she last visit my place, but of course we visit her 2 - 3 times a month.

PP,

I understand your predicament. But you need to put your foot down and make a stand. And I think that by moving out, it will do you more good. You might want to make sure that you hubby don't give the house keys to your IL. I made that clear. My IL didn't give her IL any housekey, I am just following her footstep, nothing wrong with that. I told my hubby that if he gave our housekey to his parents, don't blame me for changing the lock. I also told him that our children are ours, both my parents and his have had their fair share in bringing up their kid during their time, now it is our turn, and I want to bring up my children according to our believes, and this right cannot be overwritten. I will not tolerate anyone who tries to overrule me when I am disciplining my kids. I have made that known and have been very clear in putting that forward. I will not take a second seat to parenting for by own kids. But I am also a very aggressive person, so I won't give a damn if I need to be loud to defend my rights, regardless of who the person may be.

And yes, I agree with bypasser. Your hubby places you as his no. 1 priority, but still can have improvement lah. It also takes my hubby a while to achieve that, because his mum was his only other woman in his life before me mah. But things should get better. Good luck
 
Hi Meg,

Speaking of Gold, once my MIL saw my mother carrying my baby, she quickly ran over and carry him away.. My mother commented that my MIL is behaving like she is worried that my baby's gold will stick to my mum.. hee hee.
I understand I have to be thankful to the old folks who are willing to help looking after my kids, but there is a limit to 'help', it will get very annoying if they overstep that 'help' boundary and take over the ownership of parenting from us. My husband doesn't mind his parent behavior at all, so I'm left alone to fight like a lioness.

Thanks bluebells and bypasser, I will try to think like when I agreed to marry him, i.e I do have a place in his heart. Actually, he was quite relunctant to move out but I sort of force him into letting me have my way, I went ahead to make arrangement to view the apartments without asking him.
happy.gif


Anyway, after the whole episode, I learnt to be very firm... I will be like you, to make sure not to take the 2nd seat to parenting my own kids.
Now I no longer care even if my in laws brand me as an ungrateful and rude daughter in law. Why should I make myself miserable just to please them?
 
Hi PP

Same same! When MIL came over to my place and saw my mum and relatives taking turns to carry my baby, she would find the earliest opportunity to carry him off. If MIL is among her own family, she 'hogs' my baby and refuses to let him out of her sight. Even hubby thinks there's nothing wrong with her behaviour.

And yes, I do agree that they should not be allowed to make our lives miserable. Even though she's oblivious to my presence, but I still acknowledge her as an elder. Since she won't reciprocate, I shan't let it bother me because I have already done my part.
 
Hi everyone
I am back after sometime. Talking abt MIL, my MIL volunteered to look after my son. Now, she is complaining that my son is a burden to her and to everbody. She even asked my sister in law (my hubby's sister) not to give birth too early , so early, early because babies are burdens. And she has the cheek to smile at me. I am very pissed off. The other time when I was pregnant, she commented that I got pregant so late , meaning not immediately after wedding, but say 1 year after wedding or so.

How could she make such comment? I did not volunteer her to look after my son
 
hi all,
Read about the problems that are shared here about MIL. I understand the problems coz I also face some of them although the impact might be smaller in scale. I am staying with ILs and really envy some of you here that is not or soon not. Been talking to hubby about shifting out but everytime sure ended up in quarrel. As my mum is looking after my boy, I will stay at my mum's place on weekdays, only on weekends will go back to ILs place. MIL is okay but sometimes the comments she made I cannot tahan esp now she looks after her youngest daughter's son with the maid. Her youngest daughter is staying in the same block but on higher level. She will always entertain and carry her grandson, call him 'bao-bei' (precious). I don't remember she did such when my boy is about that old. I still remember her telling me don't always carry my boy otherwise my boy will always wants people to carry. Last week, when my dad came over and my boy was still napping, later he woke up, and MIL tell my dad your precious grandson woke up already. Maybe I am over-sensitive, so with this statement does it mean my boy is not her precious grandson. Even though I am only back on weekends but I just find it difficult and uncomfortable, I can't get along with MIL's youngest daughter coz I was pissed off with her over some incidents. My hubby thinks that his sis and mother action and words are nothing wrong. Now what I can do is just to treat all of them as transparent, don't bother about them. At my back, they can label me with whatever they like, I don't care. I just hope one day my dream of not staying with ILs will come true.

staywithmil
that's bad of your MIL, since she volunteer to look after your son, she shouldn't make such comments. If I were you, I will also be pissed off. Your MIL quite similar to my MIL, like to twist words around. One minute is this, the next minute is another. Before I preggie, my MIL ask me to have one so that she can help look after. After my boy is born and I am still on maternity leave, she didn't help look after either, and before I go back to work, I ask hubby to check with her again on looking after my boy, then she said she can't bath the baby coz she cannot squaw. that's why last minute got to ask my mum for help and she agreed. My MIL before she help looks after her daughter's son, she can still tell me she got to help her daughter to look after her son as she couldn't find anyone so she got a maid but don't trust so need her. I think why she tell me this, I don't bother. Anyway, DIL can never compare with own daughter.
 
i also live with my inlaws. Btw, they are also Hakka,... aiyah... to cut the long story short.... i really dont understand them. they only have 1 grand child (my daughter) but they cannot do a good job. there are times when i come back, and i see that my daughter's neck is sore and red because they didnt clean her after they feed her.

my mil... she keeps asking her daughters to give birth because there are so many baby things (passed on to me by my relatives) to give them if they got pregnant.

to date, my in laws have not given my daughter (their only grand child) anything... nothing from them during the full-month celebration, nothing for the mid auturm festival which just passed. my mil came with a lantern ... and i thought "oh.. she bought it for my daughter..and then she said that it was from the neighbours.

i do not want to sound like i want them to buy gifts for my daughter but i find their behaviour a little strange too. .. they think its their son (my hubby) who is spending $$ on my daughter when actually it is ME. my hubby can nicely "buy" insurance for my daughter but every month, the deduction is from my bank account.

my mil also "babys" my hubby... she feeds him oranges... put them into his mouth... then a few days ago, i saw her spoon feed him!!! i call her his mistress now.
 
hi all, basically, the MIL only treat their own sons n daughters as real humans. as for us DILs, we are free slaves whose life is not worth a penny
 
calendar
You are very patient indeed. I agree with you that I am one who can't get used to the habits and living standard with my MIL too. She always like to touch my boy's cheek with her wet hands. Kitchen always so greasy after her frying and deep frying. I am not sure how long I can tahan. The best way for me is to bring my boy out somewhere else as long as possible.

all mummies
What is the traits of a typical Hakka woman? My MIL is a Hakka but FIL is Canto. I know my MIL is meow but not sure about others.
 
hi all,
initially I thought staying with ILs is not much of a problem coz I consider myself quite easy-going and hubby told me his parents are easy-going too. I even imagine before marriage that after staying with ILs I should try to establish a good relationship with them liken that of the show 'Zeng Qin' and it will be very nice. However, now I know in reality it is difficult.
 
jastan:
especially when the in laws are a pretentious lot! my mil... can win oscar award one.... in front of my hubby,... will be very very nice., cut fruits... and tell him its specially bought for me. but when my hubby works late, she wont even bother.

she was the one who made things so difficult. when we got married, my mum said that she would do a transfer of name and let my hubby take over the flat but when my mil found out about it, she said that its not right... my relatives will have no respect of my hubby if they know..etc.. blah blah blah... (like spoon feeding him will make me respect him more?!?) so we moved in with them. i mentioned that we want to move out and they are not happy.. say we "waste" money for what? why buy a new place when this flat (my inlaws place) is available?

hakka people... super neow! cannot beat them.
 
Dear all

Me too so miserable. Sometimes I wonder I get married and have bbs. Staying with MIL is so difficult. I feel that living in a cage. I can't do what I want to do. Even If I quarrel with my hb. She will come and ask what is it about! Sometimes I wonder till when I can tahan.. Endless of stories to tell. I feel like expoding. Every weekend is like drama series.
 
Hi Jastan,

As the chinese saying, "get along is always easier than staying together".

I thought I was an easy going person too.. My husband also reassure me his parent are very chin chye people..Before the baby is born, I tend to give in to whatever they want, even to the extent of embarassing myself by cancelling the booking with a confinement lady because my MIL insist that I shouldn't have one. I reached my breaking point during my confinement period when I felt that they are literally breathing down my neck.. try to control when I eat, when/if I should even touch my own baby.
Guess what my FIL said when I started arguement with them? He said since I'm married into the family, I have to drop that attitude and fit into the family.. In his family, everybody listen to my 'capable' MIL.. Really cannot tahan!

I agree that one household cannot have 2 mistress.. If we want to be our own boss of our home, we really need to move out to a 'neutral' ground, where no parent or in laws are present.
 
miserable
Your MIL wants 'face', I think mine also the same. That day when my dad came, she kept asking my boy to call her 'ma ma' (canto), and tell my dad that he knows how to call, until my boy finally did, can see from her face that she is satisfied. Buay tahan her... don't know what she is trying to prove.

So you getting a place of your own?

i don't know why
Sometimes I have the same thought as you too. I was telling myself back then why I didn't insist on not staying with ILs before marriage. Most of the people are happy that weekend is approaching but I am the opposite coz it means I got to go back to the cage. Anyway, since we cannot turn back the clock, just have to make the best out of the situation. Don't make yourself so miserable. Treat them as transparent and do what you deem is right. I also don't really interact with ILs, if need be, hubby is my communication bridge. You are not alone facing in such situation. Don't get too upset by them, you deserve to be happy too.

pp
Your confinement period must be a bad experience for you. Mine is also not an easy period although my ILs didn't breath down my neck, but opposite didn't bother much except just cooking and washing. I have to handle the bb on my own most of the time, whenever my mum came by to help bath the baby, I am just so happy. Thinking of the confinement just puts me off thinking of having another bb. Even if I do have, I would rather engage a confinement lady instead.

The chinese saying is so true, there is also another one "a kitchen cannot accommodate two woman", this is very true too.

My MIL used to tell me how strict her MIL is and so on and so forth. So inadvantly she is telling me she is so much better????
 
Hi Miserable,

For me same, my FIL have never bought anything for my son (except during a pendant during the full mth). I have learnt to accept it liao.. I told my son, luckily u got a mum who will buy toy for u.. hehe.. sometime when my son fall down or cry very loud, he also never bother to ask at all.. i think he is only concern abt himself...

Hi aware,

I agreed with u, we will never be the same as their own son n daugther.. will always be outsider only...

Hi Jastan,

u here too.. dun worry there will be a chance for u to move out.. wait patiently and continue to treat them transparent.. If ur son is not their baobei, nvm, as long as it ur baobei will do...

Hi all,

My FIL is a real weiro , we lived together, but that day he is having a fever, but he dun tell me n hubby, instead, told his daughter to bring fever med.. me at hm... told hubby y, he dun tell us since we are living under the same roof, hubby said "let him be" hhehe.. Funny man!!
 
StayWithMIL,

Now is the best time to put your boy in the childcare (if he is of age). The excuse would be you xin(1) tong(4) her being so tired loh. I would definitely do that if I were you.
 
jastan:
yes.. i agree... she wants face... but when i was doing my confinement, my relatives came over to visit me... dunno why, or for what reason, my aunt later told me that my mil kept telling them that she got no money. my relatives were so puzzled and wondered why everytime they visited me she would say that.

she wants face especially wants to protect my hubby... aiyah... all i can say is.. "if dun have such a big head, then dont wear such a big hat". i am so sick and tired of her pretentious nature.

every day, she will say my daughter is naughty and she wants to beat her. every day, she will tell my 7 months old ger that she wants to beat her bums, her hands, her legs ... etc. always beat here and beat there...

and for my hubby... every time i mention we should get a plce to move, he will come up with some stupid excuse. my mil... again pretentious... in fornt of me.. she said... will sell this huge 5 room... and buy a 3 rm flat. and the $$, she will give my hubby so that he can buy a flat. but in front of my hubby, she didnt say a word. she only tell him... her back pain, her leg pain, her hands pain... cannot sleep at night... and occasionally, she will burst out in tears and say she is "useless" cuz her other children dont want to visit her... so pitiful... how can my hubby turn away??
you know what... i also believe that my hubby doesnt want to move because he does not want to be the MAN of the house... now, he is the baby what... which man would give that up? imagine... eat fruits also dun have to use hands... mother will feed... come on lah... for a man, this is LUXURY!!

colt:
i dun need them to buy things for my ger... but at least, show some gesture during the full month celebration lah. when i let my ger wear a bracklet that my mum gave, my mil commented she has a lot of such braclet... so why cant she just take one out for my ger? i mean,, no need to go and buy what... give a $10 ang bao also can what...

all the things (tissue, wipes, clothes, toys) that i get for my ger... the $$ is from my savings. i HATE it when my in laws think its their son who is spending $$ on my ger.
 
bluebells
i agree. when my boy is bigger, i will definitely put him in childcare. in fact i am hoping she tell me she does not want to look after my boy anymore. so i can ask her to balek kampong. hahaha

jastan
actually my mil sometimes is ok, but sometimes twist words around. there was once when she was out with my son, and my sister plus my mom, she went to give my son, (she started it first), some noodles from coffeeshop. and she dare tell me that my mom was the one who started.

since confinement, there are many things which she said, she did that i din like it. but i try to be chin chye to her as well. after one big quarrel few months back, i finally decide to half open and half close my eyes and ears.

now that my son is having a cold, she knows that it is not easy to look after him. she knows that she better not anyhow give my son anything to eat. because last time she anyhow gave, and we told her off, but she commented that "aiya, he eat liao, not sick wat! " . good tat now she knows!

pp
during my confinement, my MIL also tried to control what i eat. But i have a nice confinement nanny who tells her what I should eat , what i should not eat in order to have enough milk supply.

my MIL commented and complained that my confinement nanny has such good life because she washes our clothes using washing machine, she made such easy breakfast for me... bla bla bla. after my Confinement nanny left, my MIL then experience the tough part. Fortunately i had got a confinement nanny whom I could confide in during my confinement.

Miserable
all these old folks like to emotionally black mail their children by crying! I really hate it. My MIL did it once and i really had enough of it. Now that they are staying with me, if they are not happy, they can always move out. But they can only move to malaysia (they being malaysian).

In fact by staying with me, they have less privacy. I am quite "decent" in clothes at home. But my MIL is other kind. She is havoc kind but in order not for me to lose respect for her, she has no choice but to be more decent in the clothes she wear
 
Miserable
why are these things from your $? what happen to your hubby's $?
 


My son is 5 weeks old. My MIL (who is not staying with us) couldn't get along with my confinement nanny during my confinement month, she keeps complaining to me that the nanny is not good here & there. I told her not to interfere and leave everything to her on how she want handle the work, no 2 women can occupy 1 kitchen. But my tt MIL will come my house at 8am for breakfast, stay for lunch and dinner everyday. she will follow the nanny where ever she goes (from bathing my son, preparing my meals etc.). After a week the 2 women can't stand each other and both complain to me, I got so angry that I burst out and cry non stop at my husband telling him I hate seeing his mother in my house, w/o her everything will be fine, I just want a peaceful confinement so I can rest well. MIL even said I don't side her and cry in front of me (not sure who is having post natal)...childish.

The 1st day after my confinement nanny left, I was left alone with my baby and my maid who is also new. I was very stress being alone with the 2 new 'strangers', this MIL called me up and continue her complains about the nanny, I told her to stop it since she already left. She even accused me telling tales tt's why the nanny dislike her. We ended up shouting at each other and I got so sick of the conversation I told her i will sure get post natal cos of her, she replied I deserve it if I really get it, I slammed the phone inorder to cut her off. I later nearly went mad, lock myself up in the room with my baby and cry for hours. What I need now is family members support, my husband always work late and MIL still gave me all these shits.

I felt so helpless now...
 
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