Husband makes me feel isolated from his family

[mangopudding]

my first marriage how i know moving out is legal separation.. he was nice then move back become not nice.. i also with lots of question mark..

i mean move back to his parents house..

 

[queen17]

my first marriage how i know moving out is legal separation.. he was nice then move back become not nice.. i also with lots of question mark..

Sorry to hear. Divorce and separation is always challenging to deal with. I hope you find some solution/peace soon.

 

[queen17]

my first marriage how i know moving out is legal separation.. he was nice then move back become not nice.. i also with lots of question mark..

I hope you find peace with the situation soon.

 

[Tracer]

for a few years now I have been thinking about getting a divorce from my husband. We share one son together.

Our marriage has so many cracks and we both were in denial from day one.

Some issues:
-Husband does nothing when his brother is rude to me. No confrontation. Nothing. He even plans to hang out with his brother even after the incident. He regularly chats with his brother's wife and I feel slighted. If someone disrespects some you claim you love, wouldnt you confront them and stand up for your wife? (confront does not mean violent fight, just talk it out and understand the situation).

-MIL gives me silent treatment for one reason or another. When I try to resolve nothing happens, she continues rude behaviour. When I ask Husband to help resolve, he doesnt do anything. He continues talking to his mother, while his mother gives me slient treatment. he often visits her, without me.

I feel separate from this family. like I am not included in anything. and my husband perpetuates this.

He is cowardly and likes living in the status quo. He claims this is his family dynamic. This is how his family operates, no talking about issues, just get angry, give slient treatment for some time, thn move on and pretend like nothing has happened.

I often feel isolated. He never wants to confront them, never wants to speak of any issues. I feel there is nothing this marriage is offering me. Just drama and more drama. my son does not have a grandmother, does not have an uncle, aunty and cousins to mingle with.

I am seriously wondering if divorce is an option. Maybe i can move on with my son. Even if I don't get married again, I don't want to be stuck in a marriage where my husband doesn't respect me enough to even stand up for me. But then I think of my son not having a father around, and I don't want that for him (i am a fatherless daughter myself)......

Not sure if anyone would reply. but It feels good to write this all down .. somewhere.. for someone to read... thanks for reading.

I am in a very similar position as you except i am the guy in this scenario, any advice on how you would want the guy to behave?

 

[queen17]

I am in a very similar position as you except i am the guy in this scenario, any advice on how you would want the guy to behave?

Are you me or in the position of my hubby? I think mainly, main gripe is, my husband should have my back and shouldnt forget that we are a team.

 

[Tracer]

Are you me or in the position of my hubby? I think mainly, main gripe is, my husband should have my back and shouldnt forget that we are a team.

In the position of your hubby, so basically fall out with his family so that he will please you? I usually ask my wife to just confront my mother herself but seems to not be working out well

 

[queen17]

In the position of your hubby, so basically fall out with his family so that he will please you? I usually ask my wife to just confront my mother herself but seems to not be working out well

My husband told me to confront his mother myself too. He also told me to break the ice with her when she give me silent treatment.

I wanted to be a good DIL so I decided I will take this advice and action on it. I broke ice with her few times and confronted her about why she was giving me the silent treatment. During our chat, she just kept pushing blame to me, and not admitting her fault. I said ok nvm I will be the bigger person here. I told her okay shall we forget this happened and move on? She agreed.

Well that was only we a short while. The pattern kept repeating. Also, after my act of kindness, she actually became more smug. I think she thought kindness is equal to weakness. She overstepped many times. So I realized no point I make first move, she won't change.

My point is, not everyone has the wavelength to sit and talk issues out rationally and logically. Boomers especially, they think they are always right.

I also think it's the husband's duty to resolve problems with his side, it is not the wife's duty to do so. What if the role was reserved? What if my father or mother was angry and giving silent treatment to my husband? How would he feel? Would he be comfortable to break the ice?

Women are often expected to do so much with their in law's side and the husbands just want to sit back and relax , those days are over. I think men need to step up.

End game is not leave ur family and choose your wife. Your side must be willing to talk Abt issues and set boundaries and forgive and forget.

I believe ultimately, if everyone has a common goal which is fostering and nurturing relationships and keeping the family 2gether, you won't have to lose your family. But that's not always the case. Both side must be willing to talk for the greater good, put ego aside, and forget about power play etc

 

[Tracer]

My husband told me to confront his mother myself too. He also told me to break the ice with her when she give me silent treatment.

I wanted to be a good DIL so I decided I will take this advice and action on it. I broke ice with her few times and confronted her about why she was giving me the silent treatment. During our chat, she just kept pushing blame to me, and not admitting her fault. I said ok nvm I will be the bigger person here. I told her okay shall we forget this happened and move on? She agreed.

Well that was only we a short while. The pattern kept repeating. Also, after my act of kindness, she actually became more smug. I think she thought kindness is equal to weakness. She overstepped many times. So I realized no point I make first move, she won't change.

My point is, not everyone has the wavelength to sit and talk issues out rationally and logically. Boomers especially, they think they are always right.

I also think it's the husband's duty to resolve problems with his side, it is not the wife's duty to do so. What if the role was reserved? What if my father or mother was angry and giving silent treatment to my husband? How would he feel? Would he be comfortable to break the ice?

Women are often expected to do so much with their in law's side and the husbands just want to sit back and relax , those days are over. I think men need to step up.

End game is not leave ur family and choose your wife. Your side must be willing to talk Abt issues and set boundaries and forgive and forget.

I believe ultimately, if everyone has a common goal which is fostering and nurturing relationships and keeping the family 2gether, you won't have to lose your family. But that's not always the case. Both side must be willing to talk for the greater good, put ego aside, and forget about power play etc

My wife is the one giving silent treatment to my mother, she has never greeted my mother after marriage although she did so when we were dating, and she is quite insistent that I do not communicate or talk to my mother at all. When my mother offers her food, she usually ignores my mother and walk away, and when my baby is crying, she would also not let my mother carry the baby as she says my mother does not know how to and might injure the child.


TLDR, my wife wants me to move out and stop communicating with my mother, and to cut off contact. She was fine during the dating phase.
We would be moving out in 2 years time and i told her to bear with my mother (although i don't really see what's the issue) for the time being until we move out, but anytime my mother has a conversation with me, she would start to text me and try to emotionally abuse me into not talking to my mother. I helped her install two CCTV at home and would monitor my actions

 

[queen17]

My wife is the one giving silent treatment to my mother, she has never greeted my mother after marriage although she did so when we were dating, and she is quite insistent that I do not communicate or talk to my mother at all. When my mother offers her food, she usually ignores my mother and walk away, and when my baby is crying, she would also not let my mother carry the baby as she says my mother does not know how to and might injure the child.


TLDR, my wife wants me to move out and stop communicating with my mother, and to cut off contact. She was fine during the dating phase.
We would be moving out in 2 years time and i told her to bear with my mother (although i don't really see what's the issue) for the time being until we move out, but anytime my mother has a conversation with me, she would start to text me and try to emotionally abuse me into not talking to my mother. I helped her install two CCTV at home and would monitor my actions

Interesting. this is new for me to hear. I guess something must have happened for your wife to give slient treatment? Have you spoken to her and your mother to try to find common ground?

Forbidding you from speaking to a parent is odd. I have never told my hubby that.

The CCTV thing, sounds extreme.....

 

[csin]

Once married, you have technically started your own family unit and you need to sort of cut the apron strings from your mother and family.. They are in a way, your "extended" family once you get married, and your wife/husband and baby are your immediate family now. I think the problem is that no one is taught this in mainstream education so this becomes a huge point of contention between spouse, in laws etc because no one can find an agreement.

The number of marriages i have seen fail due to in-laws getting too involved is far too many. I dont understand why the govt is not doing anything about it through education etc. How to focus on building family unit if the most important aspect of a family unit(marriage) cannot even work out?

 

[Tracer]

Once married, you have technically started your own family unit and you need to sort of cut the apron strings from your mother and family.. They are in a way, your "extended" family once you get married, and your wife/husband and baby are your immediate family now. I think the problem is that no one is taught this in mainstream education so this becomes a huge point of contention between spouse, in laws etc because no one can find an agreement.

The number of marriages i have seen fail due to in-laws getting too involved is far too many. I dont understand why the govt is not doing anything about it through education etc. How to focus on building family unit if the most important aspect of a family unit(marriage) cannot even work out?

So not supposed to talk to family members after marriage? Granted we still live together for the time being until our house is ready

 

[csin]

So not supposed to talk to family members after marriage? Granted we still live together for the time being until our house is ready

My apologies.. i forgot to mention that i don't mean people should cut their families out, just that your "closeness" to your family should reduce once you're married as your priority should be your spouse and your new family unit.

 

[Tracer]

Meaning it could be a case of jealousy?
She doesnt really have a close relationship with her mother and she doesnt have a father.

she treats my father well, but never ever greets my mother ever since we got married, before marriage, they were okay

My apologies.. i forgot to mention that i don't mean people should cut their families out, just that your "closeness" to your family should reduce once you're married as your priority should be your spouse and your new family unit.

 

[csin]

Meaning it could be a case of jealousy?
She doesnt really have a close relationship with her mother and she doesnt have a father.

she treats my father well, but never ever greets my mother ever since we got married, before marriage, they were okay

Yes that's possible too. I guess there are several factors at play, perhaps she feels that when push comes to shove, if there's a conflict between her and your mom, you will choose your mom, and that does not give her confidence in the marriage.

 

[Mongkok]

Basically u have a childish husband who has a toxic family.

Good if u maintain an independent attitude and don't get involved w ur in-laws. Forget abt sharing a close reltshp w ur inlaw. It wil nvr realise. Coz, u and ur in-laws aren't blood ties.

As for ur hubby, nvr strive to chg him. Cant teach old dog new tricks.

stand aside and maintain an audience to all these dramas.

As for ur kid, teach him along the way. end of the day it's his choice his life. U settle ur problm enuff.

If stil cannt take it, jus move on. Don't listen to other ppl saying 'what u advocate wil bite u back' theory. They aren't in ur shoe. They dont hv a crazy inlaw to deal w. Listen too much, u alr died along the way before u can rch that light at end of tunnel.