MOTHER-IN-LAW PROBLEMS

Hi Kelly,

young babies, esp those that do not know how to raise their heads should not sleep face down because of danger of SIDS. This is actually verified by my PD and the nurses @ Gleneagles. Maybe your MIL doesn't know the correct term, that's why she explains in a diff way.

Babies can bathe after 6pm, but must be very careful that they dun catch a cold. Must be very careful, because some babies do not recover completely or "duan gen". My nephew caught a cold when he was barely 2 weeks old just because my BIL refuse to bathe him in the room for fear of water spilling onto his precious laminate flooring. The short journey from the bathroom to the room can still be very "draughty" and babies are very sensitive to this kind of things. Now he gets runny nose very frequently.

From your description, it seems that your MIL did not intend to lie, but also wants the best for her grandson. "hypocrite" is too strong a word for her lar. Relax...
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What you can do is offer the correct explanation. E.g. for the after 6pm bath. For sleeping face down, since Gabe is >6months, it is ok since he should already know how to raise his head.

Relax....not worth spoiling the otherwise perfect releationship over Gabe. Sometimes I also quarrel over the caring of the baby with my husband...haha...but come to think of it, not worth it lor. I'll get more stressed and grow older faster...haha...I'll tell myself to relax

As long as baby do not come to any harm, growing well, healthy and happily, everything is fine...
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want to post abt my MIL again. she ah siao again liao..
Desperately want us to have children.. but this type of thing cant force mah. want us to go temple pray for bb. i heard from frd that bb cant be pray from god one. if one ask for bb, god can anytime take bck one. so i insist with hb not to go to temple pray. last nite she was telling me again. say not go ASKfor bb oni ask dunno which niang niang to "decide for us".. let me concieve early. dun conceive very old & late lor. then her market 3 ku 6 po frd bring 4 couples go all also pregnant next mth liao..

then also at home nothing better to do also hu si luan siang. keep telling my hb & hb bro that his father might be having woman outside again. FIL shld knock off @ 8pm but reach home @ 2am. then when she ask him where he goes, he say non of her biz. wow this FIL also too much lar. then she anyhow think liao lor. say he got woman outside again.. then ask him for money always say dun have but can help "frd" to repair hp lor. somemore is "Indian" frd. my MIL say now go to find indian lady liao lor. i think her mind realli sot plug leh.. buay tahan her leh. then she say she gg to her mother hse @ Kuala Lipis further down from KL, to take overnight train i think. ask me wher to buy ticket.. she want to go alone to go there to ask GOD.. wow kaoz.. as if sg god not "ling yan" lidat. to ask abt his hb whereabouts... why bother so much? wow bian.. if i am her, children soo big liao i wont want to care. if realli got woman then go find PI then investiage then ask for maintenance money liao. ask until hb broke lor. why care so much cos he "dirty" liao mah.. hahaah

then also tell me alot of DON'Ts thing to do. Cannot share shoes with my sisters which i always do, say will be unlucky. Cannot put umbrella in balcony where my door is. No money luck. same apply to shoes. cannot have many shoes in the balcony. wow bian.. last time staying at her hse, once she see many shoe oni she go hide all shoes in storeroom. everytime cant find my shoes one leh..

wow lucky i am not staying with her ar. else i can die faster ar.
 
" ... He's mine. If my MIL wants, go give birth one herself again la. ... "

Angeline,
Thought I am the only one saying such phrases to my hubby ... glad to know there are others using this phrase too:)

Best part is that my MIL is not the one taking care of my baby, its my mum actually. However, MIL will tell me things like ...
" go tell your mum, she must ... ..."
" tell your mum, she cannot ... ..."

Upon hearing such remarks, will always tell hubby, since your mum is so good at 'taking care' of babies, why dun she go give birth again then she can do whatever she wants to her child lor!!!
Hubby always give 'you hor' that kind of look after hearing this ...
 
helena, aurora,
PD gave my son e green light 2 sleep face down from 2mths onwards cos when he was abt 6wks old, he was abt 2 lift his head while on tummy down position.

MIL knows my son has been sleeping face down since he was 2mths old. at tat time, she too had concerns abt "bb suffocating cos they dunno how 2 turn their head". while caring for my son then, she sat by him when he slept face down n my son demostrated 2 her by flipping his head properly. she was so impressed by it n even boasted 2 her relatives tat her grandson can flip his head b4 3mths old. i've also explained 2 her abt SIDS so told her 2 watch out for gabe even though he can flip his head while sleeping face down but still must watch out. my MIL understood.

tat's y it's so puzzling 2 hear her talk abt "lungs dun develop well". i dunno how she got tat funny idea from but to reassure her, i checked out wif my son's PD n e PD said there's no such thing as lungs not developing well by sleeping face down.

if my MIL was concerned abt SIDS in e beginning, she shld hv raised her concern when my son started sleeping so, not after 4mths.

aurora,
hpocrite is not a strong word 2 use on my MIL. there r other instances where she behaved so. my mummy was e one who used tat word on her cos my MIL pissed my mummy off when my MIL cocked up my confinement. anyway, tat's another unpleasant story.


angeline,
as i'm a SAHM cum WFHM, my MIL only needs 2 take care of my son when i need 2 go into off, meet my clients, go for training, etc. hence i always tell myself 2 close 1 eye or sometimes even both eyes BUT my MIL lies a lot (even husband realises tat his mum lies, something which he never tik his own mum will do)...how 2 trust a caregiver when she lies?

thks for ur advice. over e past 10mths, i've learned 2 relax, b happy n not bother so much abt my MIL. e situation was quite intense in e earlier mths but it gotten better e past few mths.
 
To be frank, no matter how much unhappy we are with our MILs, I still think its important to make them happy for the sake of our kids.

1. If MIL happy, she will treat our kids better. If she dislike us, imagine when she see our kids, they remind her of us, then she will be bias against them and show favourtism.

2. If we respect elders in front of them, they will also respect us in future, " you yang xue yang"

3. If we respect and put on a happy face no matter what shit they throw at us, it will make our husbands happy.

4. If husband see us treat his mum like that, can also expect him to treat our mum the same way. If not, can use it as a point to make him treat our parents the same way.

5. MIL makes very good last minute babysiters.
 
Hmmm...why must make our husbands happy, while we suffer unhappiness ?

As for the last point, it is totally not true in my case. There was once my mother was terribly ill, I had to be in the hospital to be with her. I asked MIL to come over to look after my baby, she said cannot because her son-in-law is coming to her house. Great excuse right ?
 
babyowl,

1. I don't agree. She should love her grandkids cos they are her son's kids too. If she shows favourtism, then she's not truly loving them. Then I'll say save it, my kids do not need your fake love.

2. I agree. BUT if my MIL does not deserve my respect, why should I show her respect? Imagine next time your kids feel that your MIL is obviously bullying you and you still smile and say "yes, mum." How will they feel? They feel that their mum got no backbone, let pple step all over them! And they some more don't respect you.

3. I don't agree. Why should I take shit to make my hubby happy? If he is my hubby and truly cares abt my feelings, he will not want me to take any form of shit from anyone at all.

4. I don't agree. Hubby must know WHY we behave in certain ways. If his mum is unreasonable and we are reasonable, there is no way he should not support us, right? If my mum is unreasonable, I will also understand if he treats her "differently". But if my mum is reasonable, then there is no reason why he should treat her as "unreasonable", right?

6. I don't agree, though I've never tried and never will try. Not last minute already a lot of problems. Last minute, I will peng san.
 
Hi,

Lets think things calmly.

1. If MIL happy, she will treat our kids better. If she dislike us, imagine when she see our kids, they remind her of us, then she will be bias against them and show favourtism.

Put it this way, even a mother will show favourtism towards her own kids, for eg. treating elder bro better than younger bro etc. This does not mean she dun love the younger bro, right? Same case as with her grandchildren. I think its just human nature.

2. If we respect elders in front of them, they will also respect us in future, " you yang xue yang"

By respecting elders, you set an example for your kids, no matter how tough it is. When your kids ask you why you put up with all the shit, you can always tell them cos you respect elders, and they should do the same too. Sort of like laying a foundation. Besides, how long can a person stay angry for long if you treat them nicely. If MIL continue to treat you bad, just bear with it if possible. She could be old and getting senile :p Why waste energy getting pissed at a old and senile person. Must also bear in mind, we are her half daughters, so cannot expect her to treat us like her own children


3. If we respect and put on a happy face no matter what shit they throw at us, it will make our husbands happy.

This is so that our husbands dun get caught between us & MILs. Put yourself in his shoes, if one side is your hubby and one side is your mother, how would you feel. If you want him to care about you, you also have to care about him too. Likewise, you would not allow your mum to treat him like that if you care about him. Fair and Square

4. If husband see us treat his mum like that, can also expect him to treat our mum the same way. If not, can use it as a point to make him treat our parents the same way.

Sometimes husbands are too orbit/blur to know how we feel or why we angry. To him, its just you treating his mother bad, full stop. They dun see it as their mother treating u bad. Had they have seen/feel MIL treating us bad, then maybe this would not have happened. Well, if he treats your mum bad, can always use point 3 to counter him.

5. MIL makes very good last minute babysiters.

No matter how much MIL dislike you, they are still her grandchildren. A few hours of her babysitting would not hurt. At most, your children will know the difference and would appreciate you more than MIL, give them something to compare with :D
 
Hi,

Its me again :p I decided not to mix these two post :D

Tamarind, how come your MIL dun want to watch your baby cos her Son In Law is coming? Does she favour her daughter over your son? What if you had bring your baby to her place? Would she have looked after her for you then?

Counter MIL, could it be becos you already dislike your MIL so much that you would not want her to look after your kids? How is she with your kids when you visit her?
 
babyowl, everyone is entitled to their own opinion so I'll not harp on your 5 points. as for disliking my MIL from the start, that's not true. on the other hand, i feel that she was already biased against me before marriage (which i truly discovered how much only after i gave birth), cos she feels that i'm jiao sheng guan yang. if my hubby was a mummy's boy, we probably might not have gotten married. other than that, our relationship was ok, except for some sarcastic remarks which i easily ignored too (like kelly).

it was mainly after confinement that my PILs actually said and did some unreasonable things, which make me feel that i'm not family to them. it was very hurting to my pride. even my parents felt very angry about it. i was thankful that my hubby stood by my side. 4~5 days after the unfateful events they (PILs) were still maintaining their "stand" and saying that i was wrong in the first place and keep calling and telling my hubby not to side with me? my hubby said that his mum has already apologized (to him) and to let me know that she's sorry too. but whether this is what he said himself to make me forgive his mum i will not know. though whether she really did feel sorry towards me is really doubtful. at least i know his dad is not "sorry". HA! well, anyway i can't bring myself to treat them as before.

nowadays, we seldom visit them. if you are thinking that i'm the bad one who refuse to let my hubby visit, you are wrong. in fact, i'm the one who usually reminds hubby if he wants to visit. also i'm not the type of DIL who say you cannot carry my kids cos i don't like you. whenever we visit, i always let them carry and play with my baby. anyway, you are not me, you will not understand.
 
i think take and give lor.......this is part and parcel of life especially if you want to maintain long-term relationship with your hubby. he is afterall the son of your parents in law. this is a fact that can never change, at least not in this life. confusian has a saying "zi shou bu yu, hu si yu ren" - meaning place yourself in other people shoe and think about it. if u think what u did is correct then dont need to get upset, atleast you are not guilty. from the moment that you got married, u should know that you are marrying into a family and anticipate this kind of issues. that's life...................take it easy. Enjoy life while we still have it!
 
CounterMIL
i totally agree with you. They are not us, and they won't understand what we have gone through.
 
My MIL always complain how hard her life when she married to my FIL and her MIL also make things difficult for her that why they moved out to stay, she never visit her MIL

The thing i don't understand is that she's been through the experience and now she is repeating history on me??? by right she should be more understanding and don't chap so much. Some more she has her own career and meeting to attend, i really don't understand??
 
Hi,

I agree with that's life that its a give and take situation. Some take equally, some take more, some give more and vice versa.

Counter MIL, your MIL might feel that you are stealing her son away, which is natural. My mum feels the same way abt all my bro's girlfriends. And some mums do get jealous when their precious son is treating another person better. We won't really understand why they act this way until we are in their shoes...abt 30 years time? Hopefully (cross fingers) we won't behave like them. :p Well, at least your husband supports you in this.

yukiko, your MIL is like her MIL, you yang xue yang. :D Haiz...foundation already there....

My point is, try to take it easy, its a waste of energy getting pissed at someone not worth it and spoil your mood. So long as you know you are correct, then dun have to feel guilty.

staywithmil, I am also staying with my in laws until our flat is ready. Just have to grin and bear with it until then. :p
 
Hi Ladies,

Would like to share this with you. Everyone is in different situations, might not be applicable, but at least give it a thought.

My mum used to be ill-treated by her MIL. I hear loads of complains abt this since young. We were also like third class citizen at her place, cos she favoured other cousins more. The reason why she dun like my mum is sooo stupid...cos my mum is a hokkien and she is cantonese. Reason she dun like us is cos we dunno how to speak cantonese and can speak hokkien, cos we were looked after by my maternal grandma. My dad is also her least favourite son.

Always talk bad abt us in Cantonese in front, back, side of us with the other relatives and cousins. But we still go visit her cos my maternal grandmother advise my mum to treat her MIL with respect no matter what. This made us appreciate & love my maternal grandma more.

This went on until few years back when my paternal grandma got really sick, dying. My mum was the one that attended to her needs, my dad paid for her hospital bills, and they visited her in hospital three times a day - Morning, Lunch, Dinner. The rest of my uncles & aunties...NATO (No Action, Talk Only)

During that period, she realised who treated her the best, took care of her etc. Before she passed away, she asked for my mum and dad to be at her bedside and hold their hands. She had tears in her eyes and thanked my parents.

To my mum, all the hurt and anger she had when she put up with her MIL over the years, all disappeared and felt peaceful at heart.

Oh...my mother also got strike lottery few times when she bet on my grandma's numbers. She feels that my grandma has blessed us.
 
good that she eventually realised who is good to her..
personally i wun consider it as hao ren you hao bao. why not tkae it as she is repaying her bills
 
Hi that's life,

Yeah, I guess you can say that, "Hao ren you hao bao".

I am one of the lucky ones whose MIL is not bad but sometimes we also have our disagreements or opinions, especially since I am staying at her house. I feel like a guest there and also feel bad imposing on her.

Sometimes, when we have different opinions, she likes to use my FIL, hubby's aunties, his grandmother etc to put pressure on me to get her way. So instead getting angry with her, I reason it out with my hubby and get him to deal with her. We have this agreement that I deal with my mum, while he deal with his if there is any misgivings.

I think this agreement is workable...at least I remain as a "good" person in his mum's eyes, and vice versa for mine. :p

Since I am "imposing" on my IL, I also cannot show her I am angry, else will cause tension in the house. Imagine how stressful it will be, mentally & emotionally, to go back to a home like that. So I learn from my mum's example and try hard to look at the positive side. I find that this makes life better and happier for both my husband and I.
 
I realize something that the older generations would always want us to say sorry to them even though they're in the wrong. They have these perceptions that we being the younger generations must always give way to them. That is what i experience with my MIL. My MIL told my hubby that she will NEVER give way to DIL. She said DIL must always respect MIL even though she wrong. But too bad lah..my MIL cannot "psycho" me with such thinking. Thank God, my hubby also thinks that is such stupid thinking and very unreasonable.
 
Hi HateMIL,

I agree, the older generation feels that since they have seen more of the world, they know things we dunno. But they dun understand times have changed and last times' method might no longer be applicable in this era. Explain to them leh....better dun waste strength and energy...they just dun get it. So I always just agree with their opinions in front of them, to make them happy...but do it my way later :p That way, everyone also happy :D
 
Hi babyowl,
Kekeke, yeah that's what i do also. But you know, like my MIL she will REMEMBER that you actually agreed with her. She will then accused you of "why you go back on your words" and accused you of being dishonest. She will then have very bad impression of you. And then she will start telling the whole relatives. Then everyone will really think you're BAD DIL. Sometimes from a minor issue, can become major all becoz you don't want to do HER WAY. I agree, even if you explain to them they REFUSE to understand. So, now the best i firmly stand on my principles. So that she doesn't accuse me of being dishonest & liar. I can compromise, but if she cannot, then too bad. Of course, i will still discuss with hubby whether it's reasonable enough. If she still can't accept it, then she will be at the losing end one day.
 
one thing happened to me. my hubby told his mom off about something which I din like (but my hb dun mind ) abt them doing to my baby.
my mil told my hb tat they prefer me to tell them directly! now i dunno wat to do. it seems tat they want to leave my hb abt everything, and then if in this case, how can i discuss with my hb? and my stupid hb just listen to them , and now when i hv problems i cannot tell my hb at all.
 
Just managed to catch up all the postings...after my PC was down for almost 2mths.

For those with good PILs they are lucky people and may not understand the position we are in, let alone our feelings & sufferings! For people liked me who have met those 'THINK THEY ARE ALWAYS RIGHT COS THEY ARE MILS OR FILS' we have to fight for our stand.

Firstly, i been thru a period of strong aguments over allowance issue with my hubby, i ask him what's wrong with mil asking both BILS for $, they are her sons too, doesn't mean that being the elder son my hubby has to bear all her allowances and home expenses which he has been doing since the first day he started earning $ and whereas my BILS all spent on their girlfriends (now wives) and tours! And what's wrong if he being the elder brother has a word with them to share out PILS expenses? Not being petty or selfish, we have our own family to take care of, siblings must understand each other position and play a part in contributing, isn't that fair?

During my con period my mil also stay in with us. Conflicts are unavoidable but for those who can speak up it is sure to be good. My hubby being a 48-filial son obeys all her instruction. The time while i was trying to breastfeed my kid was another fuss mil has made hell noise saying it was unhealthy! I wanted bb to sleep in our room with the bb cot put beside my bed also ganna said. Telling me the cot is now at her room and it must not be shifted anywhere cos is not good for the child! Having left over food was a normal routine during my con days. I don't know how i tolerate those days, maybe i am still "green', not knowing how to care for my little one during that time. But now, i want to raise the kid the way i want, it's enough of my mil nonsense. Whatever she said or do, i never agree. She used to clean the child face with her sweaty towel and i got so mad and bathed my kid infront of her! She said cold drinks are not allowed, i gave ribena! (Of cos in minimum quantity) Anyway my hubby got intention to ask her to look after the kid all the while but i have been stopping him doing so, saying my poor kid going to suffer in her hands! And that's an extreme case when i got so mad with her and told her, pls do not come to our place if what i do is not pleasing to her EYES! Maybe it's harsh but she's better behaved at times now (thou not each time!), however she called me names behind my back from that day onwards too.

My mil holds a set of the original house keys and i am holding duplicate set, due to this, she thinks that she is being welcome anytime, but i have made my stand clear since the 1st day the keys are handed to her - inform us before coming, this is a basic courtesy between HUMANS! As for retribution, i don't know what i will face having "treating" my mil this way after alot tolerance over the years. There is no right or wrong but i believe i will go crazy if my life and family is going to be controlled by her.
 
Hi,

Hubbies are now better educated and should do a bit of thinking first before agreeing blindly. I think its impt for them to be on our side, to support us every time we disagree with our MILs. At least they act as buffer/refree between us and MILs and make sure thing do not get out of hand. If they do not support us...I guess every time we meet MILs, it will be very stressful and tiring, like going to do battle.

My hubby is also the very filial type who always listen to his mum. But after we got married...hehehe, he has also started to disagree if his mum give too funny suggestions. Previously, my MIL would use my FIL, grandparents & aunties to pressure me when I dun agree with her, so now I also use my grandparents and parents to counter her :p If that also no use, then hubby will step in and have the final say. Time for him to stand up as Man of the House and put his foot down for us! :D Kekeke...

Before I gave birth, I forseen that my MIL and I bound to clash over alot of confinement issues, as alot of elder relatives have been giving her advice. So I drag my hubby to pre-natal classes with me to educate him better :D and did confinement at my mum's place, eventhough my MIL offered. My hubby initially agreed that I do it at my MIL's so that he can see the baby everyday, but I told my hubby that if I do confinement at my MIL's place with so many restrictions, I sure to end up with Post-Natal Depression and just thinking about it, I going to get Pre-Natal Depression, not to mention all those unhygenic practices are bound to make us sick, as there are so many mutated disease flying around. After reasoning with hubby...heng ar....he start seeing thing from my point of view and agree that I should do it at my mum's place, using the excuse that my mum & grandma WANTS me to do it at her place :p I think telling a little white lie should not hurt in this case. :D

As for parents allowances...I dun really bother how much my hubby gives to his parents so long as he set aside an fixed amount for our joint savings, our baby's savings, bills, his own savings and allowance. This is his primary responsibility. Any leftover after those deductions, he is free to do whatever he wants with it. I doubt he has much to give them after those deductions. :p Likewise, he does not to bother abt how much I give my parents so long as I do the same. Fair and square. However, I spotcheck his account transactions, in his pressence, once a while. I cannot expect him not to give his parents cos afterall they brought him up and he is their son no matter what. I would not want my children to treat me like that too.
 
Hi All,

MIA for quite awhile as I'm too engaged with my baby. Hopefully everything is alright now, if not it's another stressful period for me.

For Gals who are facing MIL problems like myself, I can relate to how you feel and this forum is definitely the best place to pour out our sorrows. I was almost to the brink of depression during the last few weeks when I have no Internet access cos my home PC conked out. Being a mum and a DIL is no joke and I think nobody except US would know better.

For Gals who are superb in handling MIL and those who have good PILs and those who have supportive husband, you are someone we envy, at least I do. To me, this forum is one of the luxury I have for getting some steam out, you may not agree to some content you have seen here, but please believe that most of ladies here have tried anything, everything within our means to avoid such entangle relationship. Maybe you gals would like to start a new thread titled: Wonderous MIL & DIL Relationship?

The above is just my own opinion and is written without prejudice. My apologies should it proves unfavourable to anyone.
 
counter mil
i think u know lah about it cos i ever mention it before somewhere
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Hi HateMIL,

Ha ha, you have the exact sentiment I have in my mind. Most of the time when the elders are in the wrong, we as the juniors must be the one apologizing for the wrongs. Goodness me. But you are lucky. Cos your hubby is rational and he supports the right party. And not the wrong party. I do not have such good luck though. When my MIL is in the wrong, my hubby will say, 'aiya, give in to her la... will you lose some bits of flesh just apologizing?' SHIT! <sorry>

Hi Hatred,

I symphatise with your circumstances. Why do your hubby have to be the only one giving allowances to his mummy when his brothers are only spending on their girls? Are they brought up by their girlfriends instead? And also, I do totally agree with you that it is common courtesy for your MIL to inform both of you before coming to your place. She got to be aware that your home no longer belongs to her son alone. It's both of your home. I have a colleague whose MIL went to her home without informing her and rummage through her stuff to see what she owns. My was she angry. Any possible way to tell your husband that your MIL need not hold the key?

I just had an argument with my hubby yesterday night. It's regarding my MIL again.

I simply do not understand why my MIL believes in praying to the 'Bed Mother' aka Hokkien, "cheng bu'. When my son was about 1 month old, she prayed once at the foot of our bed to the bed mother. Burn joss stick and also burn joss paper inside our room. I was so pissed off! Being a free-thinker, I simply have no believe in that! And worst case of all, after she prayed, she burned some sort of 'FU' and mix in water for my son to drink! I was damned hot. And I gave a killer stare to my hubby by which he scolded his mother for giving burnt paper water to my son.

Now she's going through the prayer again! What does she want! My hubby still got to cheek to say, aiya give in to old people la. Just close one eye la! Can anyone knock my hubby's head?!!! What if burnt 'FU' water is given to my son again! my baby's internal organs are still not very developed yet and he have to suffer such pollution!

I don't know who can help me now.
 
Yucks so disgusting. Maybe what U can do is when she is around u ask ur son " Boy boy, just now that drink tt grandma gave to u u like or not. Would u like such a drink in future.." [ I am betting that he does not like it. I do not think the black stuff inside will appeal to him. If u rly scared, ask him alone first. Make sure he does not liek it, then do it in front of the old lady"

Btw what is this Bed Mother thingy?
 
Hello all...
i got insomnia last night bcoz of my impending confinement and new maid... 1stly I insisted on having a CL.. my MIL not happy already... and my HB hinted why don't get MIL to do ... after all the horror stories I heard, no way I was going to agree man ! Furthermore, most likely I am going to pay for the CL out of my own salary what... so why can't i pay for a CL instead of giving the $$ to my MIL ??

Then came the maid episode.. we are going to start employing a maid one month before my delivery.. but my HB told me out of the blue that since I have CL during the 1st month, can I lend the maid to my MIL until CL gone ? I hear already very upset also... then who is going to train the maid on caring for my baby ?

I had looked forward so much to having my baby ... but even before my bb arrived, already got all these nonsense... don't mention MIL insists on using sarong, pacifier, cloth nappy, ru-yi oil lah... all these my HB already mentally prepared me ... and I just 'aiyah, ok, nevermind'... but the CL and maid I really cannot tahan...

must tell myself to kan-kai-dian... so sian...
 
Hi Mrs. Teo,

Regarding the drinking "Fu Shui" thing, better make it clear to your MIL that it is not suitable, especially if the Fu is written by Zu Sa (the red color thing) then it will contains mercury, which is very toxic to the neuro system. In fact, most of the colorant contains trace amount of heavy metals which may damage our health, particularly for small kids as their bodyweight are much lower than adults. NEVER COMPROMISE ON THIS!!!

If she doesn't believe, tell her that a Chemist (me lah) told you this, o.k.?
 
sad_mtb,
My hubby too disagree with a CL in the first place, but I explained the situation to him. Cos we had our first kid so he didn't know what is the "true" situation. Think you have to explain to yr hubby too. Tell him that you don't like the idea that his mom will be serving you. If anything happens to her(fell, scalded etc), you will feel damn guilty. You too have to explain to him that the maid is to come and do housechores and free time, to learn from the CL. The maid is not an "extra" item. She got less than 1 month to learn. If your hubby talks to you calmly, then I think he is like my hubby who has not get into the situation. Do not get upset, else you might get post-natal blues...

I bought pacifier, cloth nappy, ru-yi oil and modern type of hammock for my son too. I don't want my son to take pacifier, but if he gets very cranky then no choice. ru-yi oil eases baby's stomach, but not too much.... cloth nappy reduces rash.

The CL and maid is paid through yr own salary, then don't care about what yr hubby said lor.

Happy confinement... ginger, liver, wine, red dates..... All gone for me!
 
sad_mtb,

Are you pregnant now? you have to look on the brighter side of thing else you will get post natal blue after delivery.

I can understand how terrible if MIL (who u dislike) is going to be your CL. And the maid thing, who is paying? Can you tell your hubby you will need the maid more than your MIL does since you are the one delivering the baby and the baby need someone to look after. While the CL is here, the maid need to learn from CL, so maid cannot "lend" to MIL. Tell hubby if MIL need maid, then ask her to employ one herself. It's also not right to deploy the maid to work at 2 places.

Guess he's going to ask WHY his mum (ie. your MIL) cannot be the CL, tell him directly it's easier to instruct to CL than to instruct MIL to do things your way. Will she not hold grudges in the future? CL finished her "duty" after 1 month plus, can she tahan that long or not? Even if she can, after finished CF, is she still going to look after the baby as a MIL or as a CL (giving her the same value of $)? Can MIL accept all these conditions? If cannot, then better hire a CL once and for all to avoid all these foreseen problems. Less headache.

In short, you'll just have to explain it clearly to your hubby and support yourself with all these strong reasons. If your hubby loves you and understand, he might even support you.

If things not going your way, then let it be because you won;t know what's next. So you have to take care for yourself as well as bb.
 
bitbit
that time when i insist on CL, the whole world was against me. I used the reason about "easy to instruct CL than MIL" and told my hubby. Guess what he said? He say if there is anything, he can be the middle guy. HAHA luckily i went ahead to get one.

Cos Now, he want to stay out of everything that happens to me and my MIL. he does not want to be the middle man anymore. DAMN.

Anyway after we told our il abt our decision of the CL, they though against us, they also LL. Then during my Confinement, my MIL commented to a few of people tat being a CL is so easy. Just simply anyhow cook and look after bb.

Guess what now? She say by looking after my boy, her time is being TIED DOWN!!!
 
Hi Missylan &amp; bitbit,
Thanks for the advice.. i tried to explain to my HB that the maid gotta learn from CL during the 1 month ... he said 'why ?' then he told me that MIL will look after the baby ... which got me so heated up... it is impossible for my MIL to look after my bb the whole day right ? So, the maid definitely needs to have some basic skills in caring for the baby what ...
I tried to make him see the point - so, I asked my HB what does he expect the maid the do at MIL place then ? he said maid is to wash clothes and clean house only... not even 'qualified' to do the cooking or look after bb ! I almost fainted ... there is certainly a big difference in expectation... no wonder I got headache now...
 
Hi sad_mtb,
Is this going to be the first grandchild in the family? I see that you have a big problem brewing in front of you.
 
sad_mtb
do you dare to "xian zhan hou zhou" ? I mean you go and get a CL first, without telling your hubby, and then near to date when payment is made, just inform your hubby as a matter of courtesy , but not asking for his approval. this was what i did. cos i simply could not stand my hb , always siding his own mother
 
Oh no! All scary stories abt PIL here scares me. Cos I'm at this cross-road of whether we'll stay with PIL now.
I must say my PIL are reasonable people and they treat me well. But we share very diff values, and taste so conflicts are unavoidable. For e.g. MIL is very supertistious so made me unhappy when she insist I do some things. I know she meant well, but I don't believe in those things. She also see no need for CL and say she'll do confinement for me if I'm preg.But I don't like her cooking.
FIL like to install lots of things at home, so I don't like again. Sigh,if they're nasty ppel easier for me to show unhappiness, but now they're ok pple just that they share diff values and taste fm me. I'm in a delimma. Also don't want hb to be snadwiched. Will try my best to avoid staying with them for now. At least give me 1-2 years of freedom first.
 
Hi coral

Advise is that better not to stay together wif PIL if have a choice lah, cos stay together seeing each other everyday sure got conflicts and the way you say is that you already don like some of the thing they do then will be quite hard lor unless you can really "boh chap" that type one lor, just my own opinion lah
 
coral

My MIL also say she will cook and do confinement for me if i pregnant but now she see i so long still no good news she changed alrdy &amp; tell me if i pregnant i can asked my mum to do confinement but i don belief her one lah cos she so KPO now no bb alrdy everything want to interfere, somemore they oso want to move in with us but everytime they talk abt this topic i will show face and keep quiet then they know i not happy so "bu liao liao zi"
 
yukiko
haha. i agree with you that better dun stay with PIL. like me, i am bo chap, but i also being drive up the wall for things that they do.

like my FIL, likes to talk very loud, disturb my sleep. also he like to be kpo and clean my whole house, and re-arrange some of the things.
as for my MIL, she is bo chap, so bo chap until things also not CAPPED Properly, and got ants also she bo chap
 
staywithmil

sound like my MIL, i hate CNY cos she everytime buy alot of things until she cannot put in her fridge and she will bring over to stuff into my fridge got once the meat blood drip and my fridge so smelly so i very angry and tell her off then after tat she will only bring 1 or 2 things to stuff but i very pak chia one lah, she evertime dirty my house one lah so the only person get scolding is my hb lor :p
 
staywithmil:

Guess what, my MIL can't look after my bb because she is disabled so I dun hv problem letting MIL look after my baby. It's my SIL, so kpo, not her child also want to act as if my baby is their family business. My baby is me and my husband business, it's none of her business why is she so kpo to always come saico my husband this and that about my family and baby.

My problem now is since my MIL can;t take care of my baby, my own mum is taking care. She is also going to be "mad" liao cause she is complainig to me everyday that my son is such a naughty one. And she feel so tied down looking after him as she cannot do anything because my son everyday want to carry so she no time for other housework, not even going to toilet.

Well i can see that although she is venting but when my son cry (he can scream at the top of his voice, really terrible naughty baby!) and want attention, she will still carry him around and go outside walk walk to cool him down.
 
Hi bitbit

y your SIL like tat one, but mine oso lah, i don have bb yet lah then my SIL will always teach me how to care for chilren lah and how to feed lah all those children things lah, never care how i feel one leh
 
yukiko and staywithmil, i can empathise with some of the things you mentioned. I feel my PIL are nice pple but they can be too nice at times. When they come to my house they look look see see then assume I dont hv this I dont hv that n start buying pots and bowls and plates for me, but I already hv all these just keep them nicely in cabinte. But hb say they so nice buy for us we shouldn;t reject, in the end I hv no space for those things and worse still those things are just not to my style or taste. I know I sound very ungrateful but I just don like it when they too nice and start meddling with things in my place. Still many other things like this. Well meaning but end up I angry. I know I'll hv to do a lot more housework cos I hv diff cleanliness standard from PIL. MIL don clean stove/kitchen after cooking, their toliets full of pails, etc. All these are things I can't tahan. Prob too many yrs of training fm my mum. Sound like I'm nick picking on the old folks, but everyone has their own habits. I know I can't run away fm my PIL cos my hb the eldest and his parents like him alot and he also more caring than his bro. I 'm prepared to stay with them when they need taking care of, but now they so healthy they paln to move in with us. I vy sian. What's more, I married for less than 7mths only, really wish to hv more private time with hb leh. Dunno how to break the new to them nicely n not spoil the relationship.
 
Coral
Why do they want to move in with you so soon?
Actually I did not stay with my in laws, until I got pregnant, and about 2 weeks before i gave birth, they came to stay. and then, my DESIGNER home became.. ... JUST another HDB Unit
sad.gif
cos they bring a lot of things to my house lor. Actually if i want to drill into details, there are many many things that we wont be able to tahan, because of different bring up and culture. Furthermore, with a baby, is even worse.

Maybe i cite a few examples abt them
Habits : Talk loudly, Extreme clean, extreme unclean, Usage of toilet
Food : Left over , saltish, buy cheap food
Baby : Total different thinking from me.

Things will surface when baby is out..... cos the grand parents want certain way, the mommy wants another way.
Eg
Mommy want to breastfeed but IL discourages
Mommy dun see a need to purposely wake bb up for feed but IL will do so.
Mommy hate pacifier but IL like to force baby to eat
Mommy hates Sarong , yet IL went to buy without telling anyone.
Mommy says no salt, no sugar in solid but IL say that a bit is ok
Mommy want bb drink plain water but IL want bb drink glucose and over feed bb with glucose
Mommy wants to send bb for bb class but IL nag and say bb too young, waste money
Mommy feels that bb should have their own private play time, but IL keep carrying them around
Mommy disallow bb try outside - hawker , foodcourt, adult food. But IL think is ok so long as after eating, bb not sick
Mommy gives bb panadol with doctor permission after a jab, but IL say bb not sick, why must give medicine, and keep blaming the mommy
 
staywith mil:

not sure whether we r normal or not,we juz dun like the idea of having a maid around and locking up all cupboard and taking care not to lay valuable things around in the house etc... In short, simply dun trust outsider's help esp after reading so many cases from the paper and my colleagues' experience.

Anyway my mum is grumbling only after that she will b ok. I believe if i ask her not to take care of baby anymore she will not be happy because she will then lost one source of $, second, she will feel bored at home since my father already passed away. My baby is probably the one who can bring her joy and of course complaints,
rofl.gif
make her life roll up and down, haha...
 


Coral

understand how you feel, imagine now so advance my MIL still use those charcoal burn stove to cook food and if you c my MIL u will never believe her thinking so old fashion, she quite modern looking one leh, i oso don believe until i married to their family and when i tell my friend she do those old fashion thing nobody believe it

i alway dont agree on their ideas to move in with us cos i tell my hb if they move in, i move out cos i noe i cannot tahan them and life is alrdy so miserable and still go home want to face them, i think will go crazy like that. Somemore my hb is the only son so u know very pressurise, that y i agree to stay near them but not stay together
happy.gif
 
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