MOTHER-IN-LAW PROBLEMS

amipetty,
I feel so sorry and angry for you ! I hate your mil too ! What a bitch ! Good thing you have your own place already. Now that you are pregnant, must take care OK ? Don't be so angry lah.

My in-laws also never asked about my pregnancy. My hubby was also very weird, never tell them that I was pregnant, even when they saw me with a big tummy already. I had to initiate the conversation myself. But I don't care lah, already have extremely low expections of my in-laws.

My hubby also still call my parents uncle and auntie, even when we have 2 children already ! I think you just have to call her whatever you feel comfortable with. As for your son, I think teaching him to call grandma and grandpa is no harm, calling only mah, it won't cost you anything. You want your son to have good values, like respecting the elders, right ? Your son is an individual, and it will be beneficial to him if he has a good relationship with his grandparents.
 


apple,
I read bitbit and yukiko's posts, I think they wrote that their husband will not give any jia yong. It's not that they will split the finances, they will not give anything at all. I think this is very unfair to the wives even when they are both working. Why should the wives be the only ones supporting the family financially ? In that case what is the use of having a hubby ?

I also earn the same pay as my husband. When we have children I demand that he give me money every month, I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

I agree with you that it is perfectly alright for the hubby to give jia yong to his parents. In fact my hubby never give a cent to his own parents, and I find him very weird. But from what I understand about bitbit and yukiko's posts, I don't think that they are complaining about their hubby giving to their parents, they are just complaining that their hubby does not give them anything.
 
Apple,

I totally agree with what staywithmil said. This is a forum for people to throw out their sorrows, their anger. They have the freedom to say anything they want to. No need for your sarcasm. Who are you to judge them anyway?

Jia Jia You Ben Nan Nian De Jin. Do you know enough to make comments? We are all here to listen, to vent our frustration, and to provide moral support with. If you can't find the heart to provide them with the support they needed, there are other forums out there which might suit your liking.

Hi Amipetty,

I seriously am sorry to hear your plight. To think that being chased out by MIL and also being compared to with your hubby's ex gals. Hello, history is past. Can she just let what's past be bygone?

Don't feel hurt. Enjoy your pregnancy to the fullest. What's best is now you are no longer living with them and you have your own heaven. I agree with what tamarind said. Your child is an individual. And most importantly, teach him manners. How a kid behaves, reflects immediately on his/her parents. As you always heard, 'Mei Jia Jiao'.

Don't be confused. Address her as mother. Don't confuse your child. Think of the day that the kid reach the stage of understanding, and he/she question you, why am I addressing her as grandma when she's only an auntie to you? ** ZIP ** Speechless isn't it?

All the best to you. Pregnancy is to enjoy, not to stress about. They didn't ask about anything is the best. Rather than they care about everything. That's when you find more headache about.
 
Hi Gals - Those pregnant ladies, try not to stress yourselves with MIL issues and stay happy throughout your pregnancy........and eat well.
I didn't - and now my baby always cry and cry becos i was always upset and crying during pregnancy and didn't eat well as i detest MIL food (so baby very small at birth)
Also one more think i wish to complain is - after having a baby, we found that we are financially tighter - so hubby asked his parents if he could reduce his monthly allowance from $800 to $500..........know what they said? NO! So what they meant is - can reduce from my mum's allowance - reason - my dad is working and earning 'not bad'/......NOT FAIR right>>>??????? They rather see their son struggle with many tuitions at night (btw hubby is a teacher lah)so as to earn some extras for me and baby. Sigh......
And one more thing i am very angry with - we signed up cable TV recently - you know - starhub got those 3 basic channels etc......i didn't choose the "chinese' one cos i dun watch. FIL ask which channels we took, told me - he flared up - said we very selfish, didn't order the chinese channel that he love to watch at home (mind you we are not staying together!)and flare up andbecome so angry - WHAT IS THIS??? it is my house!!! my Tv and he said that
!!!
Dunno why all MIL are like that hor???
 
Talking about "jia yong" ...
does your hubby know that you are giving jia yong to your own mum? did he say anything?

my hubby actually told me that i shldn't give my mum pocket money as i already married. saying that it shld be my brother's problem. Told him they are the ones who brought me up, and the $$ is not from him, he's in no position to tell me whether to give or not.

When asked him why he give his parents jia yong, actually told me becoz they brought him up and they are both old already, so must financed them lor!
Wonder izit his own thinking problem or his parents' teachings problem?!?!

More likely my MIL's problem as she make me pay the maid ($50/mth) when i stayed with them, saying the maid is not employed by me, so if want her to do washing for me, will have to pay her myself.
Whenever i give her $$ to buy things to eat (when we stay together), she'll say things like, she's not wrong in taking the $$ coz i eat fruits / food bought by her!!!

Hubby asked me why stopped giving her any $$ ever since we moved out (dunno whether asked by her or what), told him becoz i no longer eat her food/fruits mah!!!
 
Apple

We didn't say HB can't give MIL jia yong but both us earn not much and hardly survived then MIL still demand jia yong which she herself also working and earn more than us, like my mum she is a full time housewife with zero income and she's been taking care of our lodging so of cos my brother and i have to contribute some income for her, whereelse my MIL is a career woman with higher income than us so i don't see why my HB need to contribute and leave the bill to me.

Maybe you are the lucky one with no IL problem and your HB is taking care of everything nicely for you and you should'nt be here to be so sarcastic
 
APPLE

this is a forum for ppl to ventilate and oso seek some form of advise from each other as we are going thru' the same shit - dealing with MIL or PIL. Everyone is entitled to what they want to say. Such comments from you are uncalled for. The reason why we contribute to the forum is for us to seek solace amongst folks here as well as to ventilate. So please be more sensitive to the folks here and not start a battle. As it is, we have a battle to confront at home so we don't need to defend another battle here....Please...
 
Ladies

I have never stopped my hubby from giving 'jia yong' to his parents, in fact, I encourage him to give. However, I have also made known that since he is the head of the household, he has to take care of household expenses, incl buying groceries, paying for maid & related exp, children's exp, car, etc. It is also a must for him to contribute a certain amt to the joint account. After all these are taken care of, he is free to do whatever he wants with his $$. It is entirely up to him how much he wants to give to his parents.

On a side note, hubby being a spendsthrift himself, he will always think of not giving his parents their monthly allowance AND I AM NEVER THE BAD DIL who discourages this practice.
 
I am not sure if this will work, but the couple can have a joint account and money from that account will be used to pay for food expenses, utilities, etc. when the kid comes, each contributes more, and expenses pertaining to the kid will be charged to that acc.

as for allowance, i think it shld be given, but it shld be liek this: PIL's allowances shld be given only by the son. Nothing shld be coming fr my pocket and vice versa. Sounds fair enough?
 
Actually I really feel for u. I am not sure if I am doing the right thing by reading all these things, because I for one, am merely a 3rd year undergrad. Marriage still remains a distant future to me. But I guess reading all these does teach me abt the realities of life, afterall mine I'd say, is centered around books, projects and exams.
This might sound utopic, but the best thing is still to be financially independent. This way, you'd not be entirely reliant on 1 person for even your most basic needs. Life is short, live it to the fullest. Everything u do, do it for yourself. It'll be a misery living for the sake of others. Live life for yourself! Hope that u all will see daylight soon ^_^
 
Hi all, I always readc this thread but never once commend, not because i have a nice set of PIL, its because i am too tired to complain n complain etc

btw, Apple, u think that "If u treat them nicely no matter how they treat u, sooner or later, they'll change their attitudes towards u" ???
Ya right, some people in their whole entire life also wont bother to be nice, coz they had hack care from the beginning... i had tried for few yrs, gave up already though my mum still insist i MUST be NICE always/forever, blah blah(my mum had said the same statement that u claim)

Lastly, i have to say is that, this is a forum for us to complaint, pour out our difficuties etc If you dont like what you read here, than dont read. No need to commend that most DIL here are petty etc..
 
amipetty
that time when we found out i was preg, my hb told my il the good news. but fil pour cold water. he say why preg at this time? cos we planned for 2 holidays before knowing i preg(1 during preg, 1 after preg). and he even suggested to leave the infant in singapore while we go for holiday!

he even keep asking me look for a short term nanny and park the bb there 1 week prior departure. he planned out all funny things for us which I kept quiet.

wat kind of thinking is that? anyway in the end, my little baby went with us! no one bears to leave him in singapore.
 
Staywithmil,

Most of the time, PIL will only say say talk talk only... in end, all little darlings couldn't bear to leave behind.
 
u mean can decide when to conceive one meh...so dumb ask why get pregnant at this time.. >.< why so bad to suggest not taking bb along..let auntie see bb cannot meh? not a good idea to let some stranger take care of baby, esp if she knows tt u'll will be overseas..most likely will luan4 lai2 one..
 
thats why lor. he is blaming us for not taking any safety. well i had told my hb that if his father insist to let stranger take care of bb, then i will not go for the trip
 
staywithmil, like that sian leh. last time i ever go for 1 trip with PILs. tell u abt it later. i will never go with them again.
 
hi Avant,
well said.We shld learn to enjoy wat we've.Live life at fullest.

There was one stage i was so bothered wf all the inlaws issue. End up i always quarrel wf my hb bcoz of all these issues &amp; i can't concentrate in my job.

After some tx, i asked myself:does it worth it? Nw,i learn to let go.

Think abt it: how long will our PILs live? No matter how bad they r, they r still our hbs parents.I can't imagine if my son stops giving allowance next tx after he got married. I won't expect a lot of money fr. him,but at least some $.I feel it is his responsibility unless he faces some financial crisis.

My hb once discouraged me to work but i told him tat i've to work bcoz i feel more secure to hv dual income &amp; on top of that, I nid to give my mum $$. He wasn't happy bcoz he feels tat my mum doesn't nid my income. But I told him it is untrue.My mum nvr ask me to give her $$ b4 but i feel it is my responsibility to do so bcoz she gone thru a lot of hardships to raise me up.

At the bottomline, i just told my hb tat we shldn't interfere the way we manage our finances.I oso don't bother if he gives any to his parents. To me, so long he has enuff to cater for the family, i don't really bother how he spends his money.
 
I think regardless of whether our parents need to rely on us for money, we should still give them some money. It is our responsibility to ensure that they lead a well-provided for life in their twilight years. Afterall they slogged their guts out for us when we were young. So now when they are old we must take care.

And btw what apple said is not quite right.. not true that when u treat ppl ppl will reciprocate.
sad.gif
sometimes u nv offend that person but that person still treat u like sh** lor. i dun believe in trying to move that person. How u treat me, I treat u the same. How I treat u, I expect the same treatment also. This is what I believe in. In chinese there is this saying "ji3 suo3 bu4 yu4 wu4 shi2 yu2 ren2" -do not do to others what u'd not like others to do to u
 
why not take any safety? joke lor. sometimes even if u try to prevent it from happening it does not mean it will not happen. when u want it to happen, it sometimes simply doesn't.
 
hi ladies,

i'm back.. saw Apple's comment, Apple, u r in trouble, it's the "peanuts" story again.

Ladies, thanks for speaking up. Apple, i m not saying that my hb giving his family "jia yong" is not appropriate as long as he could take care of our own family first and contribute at least a little saving for our child in the future. This is because we need to finance alot of things currently. The problem also lies with my SIL who is also working (both my hb &amp; SIL are teachers). knowing that the mom had come to such plague and stage already (disabled, mental problem) she should also help out in financing their own house (ie. PIL house) like giving some helping hands or paying some house bill, MIL's medical bill, food expenses etc... even if she is married. My hb is also married, so why my hb is footing all these bills out of his pay-check and why do I have to come up with another debt to pay off if he canot pay our house expense. Of course I don;t mind paying part of it, but not all of it . We are not rich. It's very tiring to work and leaving my baby. My mom is already old, how much year she can take care my baby for us? Sooner or later i have to quit to look after the children, if not then we have to sent him to childcare. If he carry on like this spending all without any saving every month, how are we going to survive till "as long as we shall live"? My saving will be eat into and drain up.

Here saying about my own mom, after my father passed away, the income is totally cut. My youngest brother couldn;t give much though he still give some and they are already staying in a old 3-room flat already. My second brother married and couldn't generate much income and sales being an insurance agent. His wife is so spendthrift. We told him to give mom some money but he said he couldn;t afford. So the source of income now comes from me because we asked her to look after baby and on top of that i also give her jia yong.

Saying about my hb not saving. A fenz, you mentioned Joint a/c. We have a joint a/c, u noe what? Instead of hb putting money into it. he is now using our joint account as a jump board to "finance" off whatever he couldn;t from his own saving. So I decide to stop contributing since he had break the promise and could not save. He told me he will put back the money after next pay-check, he did but eventually the following month will happen the same thing again! Also I told him that even he couldn;t afford giving me jia yong, he must at least give me a fixed amount like $50 or so to save for baby's need. Otherwise I believe he will spend $ off again! Up till now, he never give me.. Well Apple, back to you.. if you read this, what you think, is this fair being a wife. or am I still classified under "a petty person" to you?
 
.. adding on to my earlier post, I feel a sense of insecurity. Before married, I already told him that he must save on unnecessary. He promised but duno why he still continue like this. I believe if his sister can contribute some $$ to help out his their family's bill, the situation will improve. In this way, I also will be more happy to chip in to help with some of our house expenses. (Right now I am already paying our house expenses and the house all using my CPF).
 
Hi bitbit

you're back, your situation is really quite similar as mine and thank you, you really say out wat i wanna say but my english is very poor so don't know how to express it out by writing
 
hey bit bit and yukiko,

just ignore apple's comments. she doesn't know what it's like to run a household. I am lucky that both hubby and i share the financial burden equally. he gives money to his mum while I give my mum as she is looking after my baby. i sometimes will also give my MIL some money when I know she got no more $$ (walk around the house with long long face). U just need to hang in there and pray that they see this issue as a big problem.
 
yukiko: yes i'm back. Miss all of u mah, so quickily come back, hahaha... actually my english aso "half pail water" one. Bo chup lah as long as u can get your meaning across good liao. We r here to tell, share and "talk", it's not english lesson nor exam, dun worry too much ok?

Avant Garde: you were saying "Everything u do, do it for yourself. It'll be a misery living for the sake of others. Live life for yourself!" I agree but somewhere in your statement here, not totally agreeable, hehe.. maybe because I am the helpful type, sometimes just dun bear to leave others alone, then your statement "it'll be misery living for the sake of others." sound logically for me. Noe what? Here office, somebody never like me despite I treat him well. It's a colleague I duno what i owe him, maybe since past life or what, he hate me forever. I try to talk and greet to him, he never want to response and even I was at the lift, he hold the Door Open button for the rest of the colleague and walk out leaving me as the last person and the lift door goes BANG and closed. so angry! Wat a "gentleman". PETTY MAN! Also he organised sports activities, asked everyone in the office except me. Nobody in the office bothers to help me to ask him why coz they tink it's not their porblem. He had a misunderstanding with me probably, but I duno what happen or what caused that and it just happen like that his attitude towards me. What can I do, I can do nothing liao coz now the ball is on his hand, it's up to him whether he want make friend or ememy not my business. I learn to hack care this type of people else I'll be living in misery. (Opps.. off topic)..

My miserable issue on MIL/SIL is that if SIL can play a more active part in taking care of the $ and share the load to take care of disabled MIL's daily need, our family could at least lead some quality lifestyle. HB everyday have to travel to and fro to feed the mother and tat SIL staying wif her everyday go out. Now she married off liao but her new house is just stone throw metres away yet she just cast her aside as if the mother is none of her business. Being a filial son, my HB doens;t want to let the mother go to daycare centre but want to take care of her. At time he do complain he is very tired and wanted to give up. Knowing that this is not his willingness, baby &amp; I scarifice every weekends going out. The most we have breakfast at Mc Donald in Sunday morning and only few hours only, then he left us and the rest of the time he will stay put in his mother's house to feed lunch and dinner. I see my hb everyday few hours and weekends worst. Sometimes really sad think how come i am like a mistress and he treats this house like a hotel... We just can't go anywhere far or travel for long too, guess this would goes on until she dies.. SIL says want to employ maid for her but what a pile of LIES! Her car park there in carpark to grow mould and MIL gets no maid but my HB's to take care and affect our lifestyle.

Saying about going trip wif MIL, lucky for me that it doesn't happen to me coz MIL is disabled. However we ever went on trip with my mom. I just wonder why our hb can handle our mom (ie, his MIL) with no complaints, men more accomodative? hahaha...
 
hello gals

Wow! os many poting. Tis few tis very busy with work so cant chat with u gals.


bitbit - yeah! ignore apple comment. She wont understand out situation. And this is the plc for us to complain n write whatever we want. (some people wont understand until they meet such nasty people)
Talking abt jia yong, i didnt stop hubby for giving MIL. i think one of the reason MIL unhappy with me is that she thought i ask hubby to reduce her jia yong. (in fact i didnt even ask hubby how much he give) Sorry to say that my MIL very money face. (she told hubby that she cannot offend SIL cos SIL give her $ n if offend her she wont give her $ liao)

Now i very tired of them liao, talk abt them make me sick. Now my concentration is to have a healthy n happy bb.
 
talking abt "jia yong" , until now i am still giving my mom. as for my mil, my hubby will give. we split our finances in this way
hubby contribut to mil pocket money and salary
wife contribut to joint acct and own mom pkt money

in this case, we din really cross path
 
heh heh,

Talking about "jia yong". I'm in full control of the finance and my hubby is receiving "salary" from me. Shhh... don't let my hubby know. My mummy is getting more pkt money than my MIL.

Ha ha... revenge can sometimes be sweet.
 
Well I was speaking from personal exp, regd people treatign u badly despite u 1. not offending them before 2. being good.

Last time when my sister and I were young kids our youngest aunt gave us a whole container (that container is obtained free when u buy milk powser) full of MELTED coconut candies for xmas. Then my 2 other cousins got nice prezzies. When I got older,esp when she had kids on her own, I started to think, what did I do as a kid to deserve such treatment from u?
So now for her sons my sis and I always tell our mom to give them those things we get free also. Well I just tell mom "Too bad, who ask them to be the sons of XXX".[2 yrs ago she gave us one 'present' that was a present for her the year before!! I saw the message on the packaging!!]
 
hi all,
sorry to interrupt... I happened to bump across this thread... and read MRS TEO's posting on her frens nanny incident...

mrs teo,
sorry to intrude.. but hope you dun mind me sharing you fren's story to the mummies (Year end mummi 2004) in the forum.... cause I felt for your fren.... and really cannt believe that such things happened....

and apple.. its kinda insensitive to say and judge ppl whom you dunno.... so please please be sensitive to the ppl in this thread... you may have a wonderful family /PIL.. but not all are as fortunate as you .... so.....
 
apple,
i DO NOT want a single cent from my son when i'm old. my retirement shld b taken care of by myself &amp; husband. tis is not the olden days anymore where pp have truckload of kids so tat their kids can support them when they grow old.

count ur lucky stars tat u hv a gd relationship wif ur ILs.

btw, i agree wif sulivyn tat if u treat pp nice, it's not true pp will treat u back e same manner. u seem pretty naive to tik tis way.
 
hi mummies,
i've started having problems wif my MIL ever since i gave birth but never had problems wif her b4 tat.

i've visited tis thread often but never post anything cos my husband does visit tis website &amp; i never know if any of u cld b my relative (quite pai seh 2 my MIL cos my MIL has such a perfect image in front of them).

abt e "jia yong"...i became a SAHM for my 9.5mths boy cos my work was never pleasant n after my 3mths ML, i felt tat my MIL is not competent to take care of my son.
wif only a single income, my mummy always tell me not to give her jia yong anymore since i dun earn much now (though i do work part-time, it's not fixed income). my own family has lotsa commitments as my bro's studying overseas n my lil sis is doing her 'O' levels. husband n i are very touched by my mummy's gesture so i still give the same amt every mth.

my husband also gives his mum jia yong n i've often asked him 2 reduce e amt but husband cant open his mouth. NEVER ONCE did my MIL suggest 2 my husband 2 reduce e amt or stop giving her jia yong. my MIL never had 2 work, my FIL retired 3yrs ago n they hv lotsa funds stashed aside. they travelled overseas every quarter, live frugally n my SIL also give them jia yong every mth.

tis mth, my husband was late in giving my MIL jia yong n my MIL called 2 chase him. husband asked if he can dun give tis mth cos finances quite tight (my son fell ill for 2wks n spent abt $400+ cash on medical bills). my MIL said NO. she needs $$ 2 buy things, buy 4D, etc. then she made my husband felt bad by saying tat if my husband is not giving her jia yong, she'll go out n work.

for e past 9.5mths, i hv so many complaints/grievances abt my MIL until i bah liao. tis latest one made me hit e roof.

in such instances, like wat my mum did, she told me many times no need 2 give her jia yong, i felt even more willing 2 give (more kam guan) but 2 my MIL, i feel very buay kam guan leh.
 
kelly
sometimes mil likes to emotionally black mail their children. the case of yr mil telling your husband that she will go out and work is a good example. if you guys are daring and bold enough, then you wont have to be black mailed. tell your mil to go and work if she wants!
 
I can't imagine calling up my kiddo to ask "hey why so late in giving me money??". atrocious.
Very jian4 (lowdown,despicable). I can't believe that there are parents like this, when grandchild is ill, the child die die also must give money. Ought to be shot IMO
 
hi hi,

I'm not having IL problems..cos they stay very far..in another country.

But..I'm having problems with my own parents and grandma..

I was brought up by grandma..so i sayang her a lot. But recently..I just got very frustrated..I'm about 20 weeks pregnant now..and since past 1 mth ..grandma has been coming to our place for weekend. She took Mrt here on her own. The problem is..she smokes..Hubby hate it a lot. I used to tell hubby, should be alrite..since I'm a bb till grown up ..I have been receiving her 2nd source cigaretes. I'm still as healthy. But hubby dun understand..

Despite that, I also think I needed some time to be with hubby alone at home..since our bb is coming soon. I miss the time when hubby cook for me during weekend, and make some "bu3" for me..When grandma is here, even ask him to mop the floor he will get angry. He dun like to do all these in front of other ppl.

Sometimes I get very worry for the bb. I have not been having much "bu3"..mainly cos my own mother doesnt believe in it.

I dunno how i should tell my grandma..at least dun come every week..alternate week should be fine..Everytime when she comes, I dun get to go out for shopping..cos I worry she stay alone at my house.

Argggh...anyway, soon I'll be busy doing shopping for my little baby..hopefully she got the hint.

Think my condition is not as serious as the rest of you..maybe soon I'll face it..becos of my grandma smokes, hubby will not let bb to take care by my own mum. (Grandma stays with own mum).
 
avant garde,
i'm not kidding u...my issues wif my MIL can b as long as a thesis. i always wanna write my grandmother stories here abt my MIL but always bo eng. wait til u hear those stories, u'll laugh at how ridiculous, irritating n crazy my MIL is.

i hv various episodes wif my MIL...e confinement episode, e hair-cutting episode, e eating jin-feng-san episode, e ru yee oil episode, e going-out-must-wear-socks episode, e breastfeeding-in-public episode...aiyo, like e "zhen qin" drama lor...y i call these episodes cos it's never ending? despite me telling her my stand NUMEROUS times, she still goes on &amp; on abt her stand/view/opinions.

aiya, let me share wif all of u e ru-yee oil episode n let all of u hv a gd laugh
 
ru yee oil

my MIL did my confinement for me n she suggested it when i announced my pregnancy to her when i was 5wks preggie. i didnt refuse but did tot of hiring a CL. when i knew my bb was a boy, she kept insisting tat she wanna do e confinement for me so i cant refuse. 1st grandchild for husband's family and it's a boy so how 2 refuse?

since e day my son got back from hospital, my MIL will apply ru-yee oil on my son everytime he changes diapers. imagine how many times my son gets ru yee oil in a day...7-10x. i let her b cos i still not so zhai at taking care of bb. i mean i know how 2 carry, feed, change/dress bb but i tot since my MIL is insistent tat her grandson must hv ru yee oil, i juz let her b.

at every diaper change and after his bath, she'll b by my side, watching how i change his diaper, dress him, etc. my MIL would reach for e ru yee oil, put a few drops on her hands, rubbed them tgt n b ready 2 apply them onto my son's stomach. my MIL seems afraid tat i'll forget 2 apply ru yee oil on her bao bei grandson.

meanwhile, my MIL also applied ru yee oil round my son's belly button b4 his bath so as 2 prevent water from entering e belly button. it makes no sense 2 me for her 2 do so but since she insists, i let her b. i told her tat i've bought johnson's bb oil n we shld use tat instead of ru yee oil. she was so unhappy n kept insisting tat we must use ru yee oil. i didnt argue wif her cos my mummy instructed me 2 listen 2 my MIL (who will share tips on how 2 take care bb...as if!) n it's not gd for a woman 2 argue wif anyone during confinement (of course i flouted tat cos i buay tahan wif my MIL in e 3rd wk of my confinement n we had a huge fight then).

1wk into my confinement, my husband's malaysian cousin visited me. the cousin is quite nice 2 share wif me on tips of how 2 take care of bb. my MIL happily announced 2 her niece (yes, my MIL is a malaysian) tat she applied ru yee oil on my son everytime. the cousin was in shock! she told her aunt (my MIL) tat we cant apply ru yee oil onto e bb so many times n we also cant apply ru yee oil near e belly button. the cousin said tat bb's skin is very thin n ru yee oil (no doubt applied onto an adult's hand then rubbed onto e bb) can b very hot for a newborn bb.

my MIL got frightened n stopped applying ru yee oil every 2-3hrs but she still does so after his bath n during bedtime. i c no harm so i let her b cos i wont 1 my premature son 2 kenna wind n discomfort.

2wks into my confinement...one evening, my son cried nonstop n we cldnt figure it out y. my MIL checked him n found him 2 hv wind his stomach. she quickly applied ru yee oil on him n my son stopped crying. since tat evening, at every opportunity, she kept raving abt how gd ru yee oil is. a few days later, she had a tummy upset, my MIL applied ru yee oil too n she got well soon. again she started on her how gd ru yee oil is. needless 2 ask my reaction, i getting irritated wif her but i beared wif it all.

the day after my confinement ended, my GF visited me n saw me applying ru yee oil religiously. my GF told me 2 stop ASAP cos ru yee oil is after all a medicated oil n if used too often, it loses its effectiveness. i agree wif my GF n when my son was abt 5wks old, i stopped applying ru yee oil on him after bath n b4 bedtime. i only applied when i rememeber 2 do so, which is like every 2-3days.

when my son was 2mths old (after i stopped applying ru yee oil religiously 3wks), during 1 of my MIL's visit (i dun stay wif my ILs, whew!), she changed my son's diapers. at tat instance, i told her tat i stopped applying ru yee oil for my son even after bath &amp; b4 bedtime. she looked displeased n asked me y.

i explained 2 her y n there she started her 15mins speech on how gd ru yee oil is, how her 21yr old niece has been applying since young n is still applying, how her 9mths old grandniece is getting it everyday n e bb dun get any wind, how ru yee oil even helped her when she had tummy upset, blah, blah, blah (she brought out a whole truckload of pp 2 tell me). after she stopped, i calmly told her tat since i stopped applying 3wks ago, my son has no problem. i also patiently explained 2 her tat ru yee oil is a medicated oil, not gd 2 apply SO often.

my MIL juz couldnt get it n went on n on again. i pissed off liao...i shut her up by saying, "i wont b applying on gabe. tat's it" then my MIL diam diam n said, "he's ur son mah...not mine, u do wat u like lor". OMG! dun she get it from e beginning?
 
Hi Kelly,

I also applied Ru Yee oil on my son whenever he has wind. And he seems to be enjoying having the oil applied on.

But honestly saying, after reading the number of time your MIL is applying the oil on your bb, what went through my mind is OMG. Aiyo, during every diaper change leh. That's terrible.

Well, what I can say how your MIL is reacting is, what's in her mind is, 'Last time we also do that. And your husband is also brought up like that. Any problem? Why nowadays you youngsters have so much problem. That makes your son so difficult to handle'. the traditional thoughts.

I used to have the same problem with my MIL. She also insist last time she used to do this and that and her kids got no problem.

I just managed to seat her down, talk to her nicely and tell her, many things that I am doing now is based on research done by pediatrician. You might have brought up your son magnificently. Cos he's your son and you had advice from your own mum and sisters around. But now, this is my son that we are talking about and as the mum of my son, I would want the best for him.

Think it this way, why did you believe that whatever the doctor said is correct? Why is it that doctor say that you have high blood and you must take this pill and you religiously take it? It's all because the doctor studied and what they said are based on years of research mah.

I'm doing exactly the same to my son. I am listening to what pediatrician said is best for him and same as doctors, they are children's doctor. They also have doctorate and they are advising me based on scientific findings mah. Should we trust on doctors or should we trust old folks tale?

I went further with her by telling her. 'If you insist on believing in old folks tale, when my son gets a fever or so on, don't take my son to doctor la. Bring him to the bomoh instead. Cos got evil spirit mah.'

Ah, that brings her to sense liao. So till now, I don't face much problem with her anymore. She listens to what I have to say on how to take care of the 'New Generation' Baby, a nick name she gave to my son. He he....
 
haha!!!!!!!!!!!what an enjoyable article.. oops.. sorry.. didn't mean it as a joke.. but ur mil is damn funny.
 
confusedgal,

yah, alot of posting liao. seems alot of us also have the MIL problems! Must tell Apple to be more accomodative with all of us here, afterall the forum is for "MIL blues" isn't it..

Walao... ur MIL dun dare to offend SIL juz becos she gave her $. Then what r we DIL? We are the one who would give birth to their grandchild. Can we be offended? Money or grandchild more important? If money and grandchild drop to sea, save which/who first?

It's her (SIL) duty to give her own mother $ even if she is married, whether is it juz mere $10, it's also like a thought of token for her own mother, afterall she raise her since young! Whether to give more or less then is another story, depending on the daughter's ability liao. Unless the mother reject herself, else i dun see anything wrong giving money to her own mother. I also give $ to my own mother.

My brother is also married, he and the wife also never give my mom money! Dun care lah, they dun give we cannot do anything, as long as we did our own part as a daughter enough. Afterall we cannot control what others want to do.

Confusegal, take it easy and enjoy your pregnancy ah!
 
actually most of us have the MIL problems mainly because they growed up in another era. we are in the new generation, and our babies in the X or Y generation, thus sure got conflicts.
 
i guess these kind of conflicts are pretty common.. after all.. diff upbringing mah.. somemore mil usually wants to assume leadership in the family one what. mine worst: didn't even got chance to talk to her then kena hamtam!!! do u all remember me? haha.. take it easy.. those who are not staying with mil still considered lucky.. (like me) if i were to stay with her.. i think most likely i'll end up killing her. gr
 
angeline,
i've done wat u did. i attended MAH antenatal class n i had a few GFs who gave birth 2-3mths b4 me so i kinda hv some hands-on experience. watever my son's PD/GP or nurses from polyclinic teach me, i'll share wif my MIL.

after my son's 1st mth, she had lotsa funny ideas (i'll share these stories 1 by 1 later). i always share wif her wat the PD/GP advised. she always diam diam then probably followed my methods of caregiving unwillingly.

when gabe was abt 6mths old, my MIL became smart too. my MIL who came by 2 visit, said tat she watched tv recently n the tv news reported tat it's not gd for bbs 2 sleep face down. it's bad for their lungs, their lungs cant develop well. my MIL then insisted tat since it's reported in e news, i must follow. i scratched my head real hard n cant believe my ears.

a few days later, she bbsat gabe on 2 consecutive days for me cos i had attend some training sessions for my part-time job. on e 1st day, she stopped letting gabe sleep face down (gabe has been sleeping face down since he was 2mths+ so he wont feel frightened by noises). on tat day, gabe had many interrupted naps n was very cranky after i got home. i couldnt figure out e reason y n i called my MIL 2 ask her how did she care for gabe? i suspected she didnt put him 2 sleep face down so i asked her how she let gabe sleep. she said, "face up cos i told u face down not gd for bb's lungs". i wanna faint then.

on e 2nd day, when my MIL came over, b4 i left e hse, i told my MIL 2 let gabe sleep face down cos he sleeps much betta tis way, if not he gets cranky. my MIL nodded her head.

when i returned home, my MIL hung around 2 care for gabe while i prepare dinner. while preparing e dishes, i casually asked my MIL, "how long did he sleep 2day n did he sleep face down?" my MIL said, "he slept face down for abt 1hr+." after a few secs, i asked, "he slept 1hr+ on his back, tat's gd?" guess wat's my MIL response? my MIL happily burst out, "ya lor, he slept on his back, i didnt put him face down. he slept quite long hor..."

i smiled n said nicely 2 my MIL, "i tot u said he slept face down?" my MIL kept quiet n smiled bashfully. she knew i caught her lying AGAIN.

anyway, 2 ease her mind, i asked gabe's PD during his 6mth jab. his PD assured me tat there's no such thing as bb's lungs wont develop well. bb sleeping face down may face SIDS, tat's all. gabe's PD even said tat mayb my MIL heard or misinterpret wrongly.

tis is an example of my MIL lying 2 me numerous times ever since i gave birth. tis is also an example of her trying 2 b smart by quoting some tv reporting n some newspaper article.

another example was she quoting a newspaper article found in e evening gossipy chinese papers tat bbs shldnt bath late at nite. she said bbs who bath after 6pm will kenna feng-shi. i asked my mummy (who reads such papers every nite) if she has seen e article. my mummy said NO but it's true tat we shldnt let bb bath after 6pm. i then asked my MIL 2 produce e article, my MIL's response was "oh...it's a few wks ago, i dunno when liao"

again i scratched my head...i've been bathing gabe after 8pm for abt 2wks then my MIL suddenly said there's an article n e article was printed a few wks ago. if so, y didnt she tell me e moment e article is printed?

my mummy knows i listen 2 e PD/GP very much abt how 2 care of my son (she totally understands tat bbs r different from b4). so whenever she sees an article abt bbs, she'll cut it out for me n let me read, 2 let me xin fu kou fu...

i told my MIL 2 do it but guess wat she then said, "my chinese only up 2 pri3, i not very gd at reading chinese newspapers"

i wanna faint liao lor...if ur chinese not very gd, then how u read abt e article abt bbs getting feng-shi by bathing late?

i suspected tat she told her malaysian siblings tat gabe baths late n those aunties must hv told her tat it's no gd so she only stopped me from doing so after 2wks.


angeline,
u get e picture at wat my MIL is doing? she's following my method by getting advice from "professionals" but she cant get it from elsewhere except from tv reporting and/or newspapers. she knows tat i wont listen 2 her *ridiculous* advices so she has 2 "bluff" abt such things. how childish is she?

i not saying my MIL not gd but she juz seems 2 b rather difficult after i gave birth. b4 i gave birth, my MIL n i had an almost perfect relationship. i respected her, share stories wif her, buy stuff for her. my MIL never infringe into our married lives, cook bird nest for me once in a while. she was like e perfect MIL lor, other than her sarcastic remarks once in a while (which i easily ignored then). after i gave birth, i realised tat she's a hypocrite and a LIAR. how can i trust a liar n a hypocrite 2 care for my son?
 
Kelly,
It's true babies shldn't sleep face down. This is a western practice and many westerners are not doing that anymore cos it can cause SID.
 


Hi hi Kelly,

Your mother is so funny. Wonder are you Hokkien. Cos there's always a word. 'Ai kiang, mai ge kiang'. In terms of this, it means be smart, but not try to be smart. I totally understand what your MIL is trying to do. Ha ha, to think that she can be quite creative in her ways to cheat her way out in making you do things her way. If my MIL try to do that, I won't say her directly, but will tell my hubby, wonder what my 10+yrs of education for? To believe in old folks tale?

Kelly, I know that we as DIL are going through a rough phase of adjustments in a new family. We are also classified as the new generation mothers and we are very very protective towards our children. Firstly is because they are our little precious, and secondly, it's not cheap to have them. So we try ways and means to give them the best, protect them whenever we can. Wheareas, for our MIL's era, giving birth is like nobody's business. Got time ah, make baby la... that sort of concept.

Sometimes, I wonder why are MILs so stubborn in believing their stand and their methods. And why are the 'aunties aka MIL sisters' so kaypoh in giving them their opinion. I have alot of aunties at my MIL side who have daughters and DIL who are not that educated and quite old fashion in thinking. They are always following their method and doing things their mother/MIL way. So my MIL keep using this example to quote to me. And sometimes even asking me why am I such a difficult DIL. Who wouldn't want the best for their darling? Tell me?

Don't think of the worst of everything. Most of the time is open one eyes and close one eyes. All grandparents love their grandchildren. I still remember when I first went back to work, almost everyday at work, I worry about whether my MIL is doing this or doing that? Whereas, I totally don't have the heart to concentrate on my job. It was after a major fight with my MIL that I finally learn, in order to work peacefully and to save on Nanny's fee, learn to close one eyes la. Anyway, as long as I don't see it, I don't ask. That's it.

I am much happier now. Though sometimes my MIL still tries to be funny and try to control my method of taking care of my son during the weekend. And also my FIL keep carrying my son away from me and give him to my MIL. "IRRITATING!! HEY THAT's MY SON THAT YOU ARE DEPRIVING ME OF!!" Haiz... what to do?

I am still learning hard to find ways and means to educate my son away from my MIL's teaching whenever he's in my care. As long as I am taking care of my son on that day or every night, I make sure that I convey the message to my hubby that, nobody else will have a say on my way of bringing up my son. He's mine. If my MIL wants, go give birth one herself again la.

I hope you get what I'm trying to convey through here. My sisters always told me one word. A nanny will always be a nanny. Whereas a mummy is always the one that the Baby will look for. They are only surrogating our precious for the moment. Why bother why care? Live happy.
 
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