I am new here but would like to offer my humble opinion.
First of all, let me say, dat I'm a woman and married with two kids.
I know how much it hurts when your significant other is seeing another woman. I've had the privilege of going through a similar experience during the time when we were engaged. The best part was, it was not just one but 7 women. At that time, I was angry, hurt beyond belief and my only thought was I'm not going to marry this man. If he can do this before marriage, he can do this after. The thought of him being an assh0#!, a bastard and whatever names you have in this world came crashing into my mind.
But here's the thing, I married this same guy and we have two lovely kids and I'm currently pregnant with the third and our marriage has never been better. Yes, we have our occasional quarrels but no more heartbreaking episodes.
Here's what I learn and I'm not saying it's the same for every situation but maybe, it would apply to some people here.
In every quarrel or bad situation (such as ur husband having an affair), it takes two hands to clap. Reading all your comments, I find that many seem to understand that it takes two hands to clap to mend something that is not already right but when it comes to the blaming, it's always the husband's fault. Why? Because he started the affair? If it takes two people to make things right, it also takes two people to make things wrong (in terms of marriage).
This may hurt but sometimes, husbands do these because we have not been the good wives. Hey, no one wants to admit their fault but the fact is, we have a part to play. Everybody wants to think they are good, everybody wants to be the victim, not the perpetrator.
If your husband has always been a womanizer, then it doesn't apply but think about why you married him in the first place. If he had always been sensible and it is not in his nature to womanize, then why now? I read about hubby being the good husband, the good father until the OW arrived. Have you ever wondered why?
What I'm saying is if you need or want to salvage your marriage, stop focusing on what he has done. Get to the root of the problem. This happened because there's problem or strain in your marriage that you did not see. Find it, work on it.
Women are so much stronger than men. We do not need another man to be there for us when we have problems with our husbands but men are totally different. They sway at the slightest hint of strain. Not knowing how to handle the situation, men sometimes choose the easy way out by going to another woman whom he thinks can provide him the comfort or support that he finds lacking in us.
When my husband, fiance at that time, told me that I've taken him for granted and led him to believe that there was nothing more between us which led him to his affairs, I told myself that it was bullshit. You do something wrong and put the blame on me? Go to hell. But as I cooled down, I realised that I did have a part to play. I knew him as friends before we got together and I know his character and he is definitely not the sort to womanize. So wat happened? Before I was, he was hurt and angry for the way I treated him and it was his way of getting back at me. Yes, foolish, some may say but it's an action-reaction thing. Hard as it may be, I tried putting some blame on myself. We then sat down and worked on what we didn't do for each other. It was a series of apologies between both parties and we worked on what was missing in our relationships.
I do admit that till this very day I do not trust him a 100% but we've not had this problem ever since and he has been a good husband to me and father to my children.
When a couple decides to get married, they vow a lifelong commitment with each other. Dun get so easily entailed with the word 'DIVORCE' every time something goes wrong in your marriage, especially those with children. Divorce doesn't only affect you but others as well especially your kids. It affects your life, your career, everything. It's not about teaching your partner a lesson. It's about you working with your partner in making the marriage works. Stop saying that he doesn't want to help himself, he's not trying harder. Have you in the first place? If you cannot change the environment, change yourself. Doing something about it is taking control of the situation. Sometimes, just by admitting your mistakes and working on it, brings your husband back to your side. Remember that not all affairs are of 'true love' but mostly are getaways. Just like an alcoholic uses alcohol to drown his sorrows or an addict using drugs to "forget" one's problems.
If you love your man and he is worth keeping, fight for what's yours and stop focusing on the blaming.
