Husband backed out on having kids

[sw08x]

Seeking some advice as I'm lost and don't know what to do.

Throughout our dating life we have always talked about having kids. It has always been something that is important to me (and hub knows this). After we got married, hub suddenly said he doesn't want kids anymore and I am absolutely heartbroken. Whenever I bring the topic up, he gets upset/angry and refuses to talk about it. We have sought help from marital counselling but hub stance is there's no point discussing anything as there's no way to compromise.

Before marriage I wanted 2 kids, but he told me he only wants 1 and I said I'm ok to give in and will be happy with 1 child. But now he says No to kids.

I've always envisioned my future, life and marriage with kids and honestly thought about separation many times because of this.. It's not just the fact that we don't see a common future anymore (which is so impt) but the way he acts - as if it's my fault for not giving in and that we didn't agree upon it before marriage. He has never felt apologetic about breaking my heart even though I cried about it many times, which makes me wonder if he even truly loves me and cares about how I feel?

I'm at the age where friends around me are happily announcing their pregnancies/sharing their newborn photos and I feel like crying each time I see them. I want to feel happy for them but I am hurting so much deep inside.

Is there a future for a marriage like this?
I'm feeling so helpless.

 

[Positivetots]

I think most importantly you have to try to find out the reason as to why he changed his mind over having kids. It could be that he heard scary experiences or he have some concerns over raising kids, or maybe his guy friends told him about their loss of freedom etc.

My husband used to tell me it didn't matter to him whether he have kids or not as he's a workaholic and he don't have the energy to concentrate on kids when he want to build his career. It took me a while after marriage to convince him and eventually I told him I was willing to take a step back from my career to focus on my kids. I used to be taking a higher salary than him.

Moving on, we have a toddler son. The supposingly workaholic husband has evolved into an extremely protective father while I'm the chillax mother haha. During my pregnancy he was still a workaholic and I went to my prenatal checks with my mum at times cos he was busy at work. However all changed after my boy arrived, it wasn't an instant change. Initially he always complained how difficult and tiring it is to take care of a baby, I think it was around the 5-6th month that he realised how much he loved his son. Our son is 2 years old now and he have adjusted his mindset to spend more time with his son, he has been telling our mutual friends that he never knew he love his son so much until he met him.

My point of sharing is that I feel like there's a knot in your husband's heart which you have to untie first before considering extreme decisions. Some men do not believe in marriage counselling, they feels shameful that they are seeing a counsellor and are not willing to open up. I would say take time to try to open the knot then decide what to do from there. I had my son around 2.5 years after I got married.

 

[sw08x]

I think most importantly you have to try to find out the reason as to why he changed his mind over having kids. It could be that he heard scary experiences or he have some concerns over raising kids, or maybe his guy friends told him about their loss of freedom etc.

My husband used to tell me it didn't matter to him whether he have kids or not as he's a workaholic and he don't have the energy to concentrate on kids when he want to build his career. It took me a while after marriage to convince him and eventually I told him I was willing to take a step back from my career to focus on my kids. I used to be taking a higher salary than him.

Moving on, we have a toddler son. The supposingly workaholic husband has evolved into an extremely protective father while I'm the chillax mother haha. During my pregnancy he was still a workaholic and I went to my prenatal checks with my mum at times cos he was busy at work. However all changed after my boy arrived, it wasn't an instant change. Initially he always complained how difficult and tiring it is to take care of a baby, I think it was around the 5-6th month that he realised how much he loved his son. Our son is 2 years old now and he have adjusted his mindset to spend more time with his son, he has been telling our mutual friends that he never knew he love his son so much until he met him.

My point of sharing is that I feel like there's a knot in your husband's heart which you have to untie first before considering extreme decisions. Some men do not believe in marriage counselling, they feels shameful that they are seeing a counsellor and are not willing to open up. I would say take time to try to open the knot then decide what to do from there. I had my son around 2.5 years after I got married.

Hihi, thanks for sharing.
During our counselling sessions he mentioned fear of losing freedom, finance, not ready (and probably never will be), afraid of not being a good dad. I actually believe that my husband will be a really good supporter/dad because he is great at taking care of people. But I also understand that just because he is good at it doesn't mean he is happy to do it. I'm so torn because I do not want to have a child when I'm too old (higher risk of complications, problems with the baby, lower energy levels etc).

I guess the main disappointment stems from the fact we have already talked about this countless times and painted a picture of our future together and and now it feels like he is ripping the whole picture apart and telling me to stop dreaming and move on. I love my husband a lot but I'm also very sure that I will live a life of regret and bear this grudge forever if we stay together. So conflicted...

 

[Positivetots]

Hihi, thanks for sharing.
During our counselling sessions he mentioned fear of losing freedom, finance, not ready (and probably never will be), afraid of not being a good dad. I actually believe that my husband will be a really good supporter/dad because he is great at taking care of people. But I also understand that just because he is good at it doesn't mean he is happy to do it. I'm so torn because I do not want to have a child when I'm too old (higher risk of complications, problems with the baby, lower energy levels etc).

I guess the main disappointment stems from the fact we have already talked about this countless times and painted a picture of our future together and and now it feels like he is ripping the whole picture apart and telling me to stop dreaming and move on. I love my husband a lot but I'm also very sure that I will live a life of regret and bear this grudge forever if we stay together. So conflicted...

How long have you guys been married? Personally I think there's still a chance of turning the situation around cos you know the reason behind the knot. You can slowly untie each part of the knot bit by bit. It'll help if you have mutual friends that have kids, go out tgt with them and let your husband see how much joy a kid can bring and if possible let him interact with the kid.

Encourage him and praise him when he's doing things with the kid or if he helps you with your things. Honestly finance is not really the best reason to not want a kid cos your kid doesn't demand for things from you such as luxury items or a must to learn piano etc, usually it's the parents that wants their kids to be better or to have a extra boost to get that step ahead of others. Kids are innocent, they are not born to demand for things, parents are the ones that taught them so.

If he's a good husband to you, I would advise not to give up the marriage so easily. I know it's easier said than done when there's this disappointment inside of you but a good husband don't come easily. I really believe you both can try to work out a compromise somewhere, if you're like me and willing to step back on career for your kids, maybe you could discuss with him and let him know you will not take away his freedom / career etc. My husband still goes fishing / prawning / drinking and singing K with his friends time to time now, so it's an agreement that we have when we are planning for kids. Same as I still have my dinner appt with my friends, self pampering sessions etc.