ANYONE SALVAGED A MARRIAGE AFTER HUSBAND COMMITS ADULTERY

dying heart,
he is guilty and when one is guilty, they think the entire world is against them. it is normal.

and it is also normal for your family to get worked up and want to stand up for you. but you have to tell them to help you. leave your husband alone for the time being.
he is not thinking straight and any type of "concern" is really not concern to him and he will feel pressurised.

the other woman is playing her cards well. she advises him to go back to you but we all know what her real intentions are. thats the thing. dun let her win like that.

or if you really want to hurt your husband, then let him go now and let him live in regrets for the rest of his life.

sigh...
but like i said, fighting and fighting... who loses? will you feel "happy" that he has learnt his lesson the hard way? can you live with yourself?

remember what i said, dun win a battle now yet lose yourself in the end.
 


dying heart,

same here... my child's father also the same type. Till now, he still the whole ENTIRE WORLD is aginest him and he is being "forced" to be with the OW b'cos I don't give him another chance.

If he is trueful repent , he will not aginest your family too. WHO is wrong ? HE is .. not your family...
 
dying heart,

i beg to differ. If you are bent on making the marriage works, than do it! He says the OW is asking him to come back to his family, he says the OW wanna let go. than ALL THE BETTER! take this chance to try to mend things up with him, to work on the marriage again, to let him know that his family is important! Why bother to think why the OW is doing this, why bother to imagine that she is just being unscrupulous, why bother to think how she is plotting. If she is plotting, than make this a wrong move for her! If she is unscrupulous, than make her know that you are even more so!

Since he says he is coming back, and you wanna work on the marriage, MOVE ON! make things work. Move forward.
 
090301: that is EXACTLY what he said. that our words/actions FORCED him to be with her... WTF?!

dying heart: rianne is right when she said he says he is coming back and you want to work on the marriage... so don't think about the past, work on the present and look for the future!
 
Staff,

I don't want to hurt him eventhough he has betray & hurt me deeply...cos i thk I m at fault initally & that why it gives him the chance to stray becos he is unhappy with me & the family...

I keep telling myself to try hard & make an effort to salvage this marriage now...win this man back...but if i were to "caught" him betraying me again...i thk I should let him go becos he is really not worth for me to carry on...I m very very tire...right now, my scars is still painful...

090301,

do u mind sharing your story ? u found out abt the affair & u leave him immediately ?

my hb remember all the grievances...to him, the OW is the best now...sigh
 
Rianne & singlemomof3,

Thanks for your encouragement...I will try my best to win him back...I really hope that he won't disappoint me...
 
hihi ,

here mine :

He started his affair in Apr 06 .. during that time.. my gal is just barley 1mth old. .. I found out in Nov 06 through his computer... find out those msn chat logs ....
ws sad but thought the marriage can still save ... Been giving him chance , but keep lying to me.. I even meet up with the OW with my SIL .. one to one talk.. I know that is my child's father fault who told the OW that he is single .. all those rubbish.. so I don;t blame her in the 1st place .. AT the meetup, she promised me not to have any contacts with him.. but who knows .. I saw her sms in his HP. He had been lying to me .. saying no contacts but still... there is contact between them..
I tried to save the marriage ... MEanwhile .. family menbers , friends & his colls all knew abt it .. all of them trying to help .. BUT he feels that the ALL the people ios againest him ...Me, him & my gal even went to meet up with the OW one day.. In front of me, they are still acting .. saying no more contacts .. who knows .. just after a week.. as I went back to our house in a early morning 6am.. I saw him & her in my guest rrom.. he is half naked while she is naked ... They are not sorry abt themselves at all... the OW still sleeping naked , not even care when I took photos ...

I did not even slap her ... I ask her to get lost from my house .

That moment, I knew .. I cannot trust him anymore ... he is just wearing a mask ...

From Nov 06 till now ....only my divorce is given judgement .. the rest still in the mid of processing .. damn slow ... ARrugggh....
 
Singlemomof3,

He said I did not give him another last chance when he really want to turn back this round ...
and how could I give him chance after that particular incident ... that they are still togather as at today ?
I even got a PI to check on him , just to tell myself that I'm not wrong .. They are indeed still togather .
At least when my gal grows older when she ask me , I can just tell her .. I did try but nothing back in the end only hurts & disappointment & tears !

Lucky I have my gal ard me ... and of course my mum & my SIL & closed friends too. they are my mental supports .....
I can't imagine if I don't have them ard me......
sad.gif
 
090301: sorry to hear about your case... mine isn't much different, only that my ex was a repeat offender, going further with each OW. His family was initially against him and his dalliances but in the end, they support him and even encouraged him... right up to his marriage with the latest OW... scary that such people exist. Who knows, maybe they ARE a perfect match *shrug*


Yes, it is good that you tried that much and can prove to yourself and others that you tried. Some people will say that is not enough... but I do not believe that a woman has to put up with her man having illicit contact with another woman and then him lying about it. Either he cuts off all contact with her or else. BUT, that is my opinion.

Yes, you are very blessed to have your mum, SIL and friends for support. No, don't imagine if you don't have them. Take good care of yourself and your daughter!
 
**shake head** & sigh....

Singlemomof3, to be honest .. I never regret marrying him & have a daughter . BUt just feels really sorry to my daughter & my mum.
My mum who is aged 62 now .. still hv to help me look after my gal ...

and another thing.. I did ask myself ... could we be back togather in future years ? Actually I did thought of .. but I just face him .. cos' sometimes till now, I do have bad dreams of them togather .. COs' it is not just the fact that they share the same bed . I even found out video clips that they are hv S**
sad.gif

IT was so shocking to me ..... is even worst them seeing them togather on the bed ...

I really want to save the marriage but the truth tells me cannot & no way .. I can't .

and he really selfish. .. just want the best of the world
sad.gif


I still received his sms sometimes ... saying ask me to go back home & bring my gal out togather .... I really don't know what the hell he is actually doing ..
 
hi 090301,

They are really too much...ur hb can even bring her home...if i saw them like tat, i thk i oso cannot give any more chance...

In fact, when i m reading your posts...i m also wondering whether my hb is also acting by telling us tat he has break off with her...i know if i wan my marriage to work...i hv to trust him....but it's really quite tough esp after hearing so many lies...

Yes, we needs alot of supports from our family & closed frenz...i m very grateful to them as well..
 
dying heart : I used to give him more than 100% but now not a single word he says .. What he says , I will always doubt & to the extend that out of 10 sentences that he says , I do not trust him 11 out of 10.

U know what I mean ? Once a man change ... alot of horrible things will show ....
 
singlemomof3,

dun bother whether they r "perfect match"...the god see wat they hv done...they may be happily married now...but they will get wat they deserve...

090301,

they r really shameless...video down those things...did u submit it to the court as evidance ? u file under adultery ?

prob with us is tat we r too soft-hearted...we must learn to be more hard-hearted...
 
090301,

Yes, i agree...i still haven't recover from the shock with the way my hb behave when he starts the affair...he change till i cannot recognise it's him...very scary...come to thk abt it...last times, he never tell lies...now, he can say until so "real"...

I thk the god is fair...no matter how they try to hide...we will be able to see the truth...
 
dying heart : yes, I filed as adultery ... the photos are more than enough but did mentioned the video clips in my affidavite.

we are just human.. I think to be soft-hearted is quite normal lor..

dying heart, u have to handle ur case properly .. is really not easy.... u will b very tiring.. but of course do hope that ur hubby is really truely & turn back to u .
 
090301,

I thought adultery can get direct divorce...how come your case is so long ? your ex pay for all the lawyer fees ? did you get him to pay for you & your kid maintance ?

But sometimes too soft-hearted...we will end up get bully or taken advantage by others...sigh..

I know...i nd to make double effort on my marriage...but at the same times...am really very scare that he is deceiving me again...
 
ya lor .. drag very long .. cos' he contest evrything .. he do not want divorce .
WE go through mediator , counselling .. that's y dragging .. I shld go open-court straight away . will be faster ...

in the end ... is under uncontested divorce ...

I got my child's 1st mth maintenace in Dec 06. We can get maintemance even a couple is not divorce ...

so till today he is still paying the child 's maintenance ..

dying heart, is really very tiring & mental stress ... during Nov 06 - Dec 06 . though only 1 mth... BUt I'm almost tired off ...
cos' been trying to save marriage but anotehr hand , he is still cheating ... sianz....
 
Hi guys,
I'm new here so please forgive me if i don't see the whole picture. But to those trying to save the marriage why don't u take a few hours and just focus on yourself. I've been through some tough times and what made my hubby change was when i started to take care of myself and stop looking at him and his faults. I always say we can not forget the things they do but we must forgive, because its awlful to hold the bitterness that some of us carry with us when we can let it go.
 
090301,

I can understd & I suppose those of us who been thru this will know how hurt, tiring and stressful it is when we found out that our spouse r unfaithful...

But i thk all of us really learn from this "valueable" lesson and make us a stronger & better person in life...

Elizabeth,

True, we should focus on ourself & stop looking at their faults...but it's really not easy...i can forgive wat my hb has done but i dun thk i can ever forget wat happen...it's a very painful & yet valueable lesson to make me see and change into a better person...
 
hi singlemomeof3, don worry about them. they deserve each other. Who knows they may be cheating on each other too. Important thing is you are free from them already and can concentrate on moving forward.

090301, oh no he still want to contest dispite of all the evidence? I have to refile again because he was putting on the turn over a new leaf act. He told me he did not want a divorce too. Hope it wont drag too long.

dying heart, I personally feel the mental stress is more servere when we are trying to give them a chance and work on the relationship. But since you are going to work on the marriage, you need to be strong. I think it is okay not to forget but focus on the good things.

actually, even if it didnt work out, still need to focus on the good things. Ideally there will still be a coordial co-parenting relationship with the ex. I hope my son don have to feel stressful whenever there is an event where both parents should appear hianz. Once you have kids divorce doesn't mean complete end of relationship.
 
hi linlin,

ya... he contest dispute of the evidences ... that's y drag so long... been waiting & waiting for the things to setlle ..

" have to re-file " .. what do u mean ? have to do the re-filing on teh whole divorce case again ?

I agree once there is a child involve , does not mean the complete end of the relationship unless the child 's father don't evcen want the child & don't bother to visit the child .
 
yeah, I asked the Lawyer to delayed serving him when he agreed to go counselling. There was a status conference many months after and although I say I want to proceeed, court order to withdraw and refile cause it had delayed too long. sign.

sometimes don understand. want other women but still want to stay married.
 
linlin : I see ... sian.... hopefully to get it done asap .

I hate those status conference .. wasting time & money also .. ARugghhh
 
Man are just so selfish!

090301,
My heart really goes out to you, when I was reading your post, I was fuming! How could he do such a thing? Sorry to be so direct, but he really too much. If I were you, I would have give them both a tight slap and maybe go after them with chopper! But I’m glad that you decided to leave the marriage. Be strong, we are all here if you need a listening ear.

Dyingheart
I can see you are on limbo, swaying here and there. Can understand because you still have feelings for him, and HE is the father of your little girl. All that we said can be advice, but ultimately the decision is yours. If you want to work, FORGET & FORGIVE, if not you will never move. But before you do that, ENSURE he is really repentant, if not, this will not work, and you end up hurting yourself even more.

I am on healing process now and I TRY not to think of the woman and I now no longer have the urge as initial to check his things. I think I’m like 70% have put this matter at the back of my head. I do have urge to ask if he has contact with her, but I REN coz the conversation will only bring unhappiness, so might as well forget it. I would rather focus on building up the communication part so that we talk to each other more about out day, work, children etc.

Why should I waste my saliva on the woman????
 
Dying_heart I understand where u are coming from although I know that my hubby does play around outside....I don't really care cos I pretty much do what i want and have decide this year is going to me....I have dreams and I will not let him take it away anymore and the min he understands that i will stand up against him he has backed down. I have told him many times if he does have someone go for it cos i don't care anymore. I do anything i want and i really don't ask for wat he thinks anyway...
I strongly believe it takes two hands to clap. And the girl has a hand and so does hubby.
sometimes love must be tough
 
Lin Lin,

Yeah...to work on the marriage is tough...i nd to bear with his temper, attitude, etc & yet still hv to be that understanding & caring wife...my parents wanting to come into the picture make it even tougher for us...i know they really love me & dun want to see me getting hurt but sometimes, the overly protective love is giving me prob/stress instead of helping to solve...sigh...

With the child involve...we still nd to face each other at least once a wk...sigh...sometimes, i can't help but think if i dun hv my bb...maybe, i can walk out of this without much hesitation...

man want the best of both world loh...they love the excitement outside with the OW...but yet, they want a wife to wait for them to come hm & look after their kid...very selfish...sigh..

090301,

so far, how much hv you been spending on your lawyer fees?

Micky,

I m also in doubt whether he is really leaving the OW...i hope he is not bluffing cos if he still carry on...i really dun see the pt of me working hard to save this marriage...one person effort is useless...mayb, i really hv to think thru & by letting him go...i might feel happier..cos i dun wan him to keep blaming me & my family for all the past grievances & now destroying his new "happiness" frm the OW...

Yes, u really should stop focusing on the OW...she is no threat to your marriage compare to mine...by asking my hb to come bk to the family...this will make my hb missing her gd even more...

Elizabeth,

Pardon me for asking...if u dun really care for him fooling ard outside...isn't it better to end it rather than just being a so call "couple" & "happy family" in front of others ? You can find your other "happiness" openly..
 
Sadly to say, we r living in this realistic world whereby no man is 100% faithful. If you can find one, you r indeed very lucky cos u have found a needle in a bag of hay.

Man goes out to fool all the time and they know they will hurt their wives’ feelings. Some just do so openly whereas some will tend to hide from their other halves. My conclusion is men do fool around.

Just the other day, my fren was telling me that his fren was getting married & barely 2 mths after his marriage. My fren was telling me that his fren was flirting n sleeping around with gals he known from the internet. I asked him which fren he was refering to, then he told me its that fren whom he told me that got married not long ago. I was thinking OMG.. I really do pity his wife..

I been thru this stage myself, from the time I saw an sms of a gal giving her address to my ex-hubby telling him to go her place & I still trust him for 3 years. I had not suspected him of being unfaithful until that time I saw flirting smses between him & another gal. This time was real. I file n got my interim last mth. . If he made the effort to keep me in the dark, and show me that he would turn over a new leaf, I would forgive him n start all over again. Till now, I really got no idea how many lies he had lied to me but I am no longer angry with him.

Do not keep thinking of the OW, or how he misplace your trust. Work on how to get back on track if you are really giving a chance to your marriage. My word of advice is, men do stray and as long as the wife do not know abt it, the marriage can still survive. Once the tracks get uncovered, it difficult to save liao.

Cheers.

Just live life the way you like it, as long you are happy. Spend more quality time with your kids n family & friends too.
 
Well to tell u the truth we don't do very much as a family anyway. I'm the one that always takes my little girl everywhere i go. He works and we don't really see each other. The day I took of my wedding ring and he removed our wedding photo after an angryment was the end for me. I can live with him because I pretty do wat i think is right. like going on a month holiday trip with my daughter and stayed in Singapore.
I wonder sometimes why i'm still with him, i guess if he doesn't really harm me i okay with it. we lived together before we got married so i think it is about the same now.
Don't get me wrong I have happiness out side I don't need to have a man to give me it. And I believe if anyone who has had a hard time in a marrage will think twice when the get out if they would like to get into another relationship. I know I wouldn't.
As for looking like a happy family...well I really haven't givent it much thought as we never really gone out as a family, that much.
 
The fact is he does not harm you is because you had not agitate him yet n he had not found a new love. If he did n wanted to be with her and file for a divorce n you contest. Things would turn really ugly. My ex hubby and I were once very loving too, but he turned violent after he knew that OW and during arguments, I still go n agitate him further.

In a marriage, we always make things become better not to let it go worse..
 
dying heart: till counselling is 3.2K . but at least got judgement during divorce , the lawyer request him to bear 3k which the judge also agree and also given judgement. BUT he also din pay as at now.. I have to less off from the CPF of the house lor .
 
Hi Butter,

I agree...thgs can really change when they found their new love outside...i use to rely very much on my hb...now, i m learning to be independent...in case, one day if i really hv to leave him...frankly speaking, whenever i thk of my hb now...i feel sad & hurt...there r times when i dun feel like facing him...& yet, i tell myself tat i nd to do away with all these thots & work on winning him back...sigh...

Elizabeth,

Isn't it like 2 strangers living under the same roof?

090301,

Already heart broken & to go thru divorce still hv to pay so much...such a long & draining process...
 
dying heart,

when he found someone new n still to"create trouble" then u would be mentally strained at that time..

i feel that you should consider wat u really want and then decide what the next step..

I hope you would succeed in making your marriage work out.

best is you have your family support..
happy.gif
 
dying heart,
how are you these few days? n how's ur hb behaving these few days?

hve u decided tt u wanted to give this marriage another try?

u noe..my hb told mi, to stay in the family as it is..n hope for the best..hoping meaning if things in the future turn out ok..then maybe we can be a couple again..if cannot then just remain as a family..

n to tell the truth..i find it very difficult trust.
is like once the trust is broken..it is very difficult to trust again.

elizabeth,
does u n ur hb sleep separately?does he get involve in fatherly role to your girl?
my hb dun see there's anything wrong to live this for the sake of the children..
he mean to say as family..but sleep in separate rooms..n we dun bother with each other business..

n if things ok..then maybe can be couple..cos now,he finds it very difficult to be a couple with mi again.
 
Hi forgetmenot,
We have our daughter sleeping between us. If I get real pissed off with him I'll ask my daughter to sleep in her room and I'll join her. I don't know I never understand what people mean by staying together for the children. By the why did he play around? How long have u been married?
If I have to leave my hubby I would leave the country cos I know he will not let me go that easy.
 
Hi forgetmenot,

I am feeling ok...he is better in the sense...he stay at home the whole day yestersday...Sat still went out but he says to service his car...he calls his frenz in front of me to prove tat he is going out with his frenz...i confront him on Sat night cos he still bring his HP with him...he says he really tell the OW abt the breakup...but haven't really settle thgs btw the 2 of them...no more intimacy btw them...no mtg up (guess wat, his note bk stated dinner with her on Wed nite...imagine, he told us abt the break up on Tues nite)...he says he haven't mtg up with her face to face to settle...so i shall see wat is he up to...i told him tat i will give him times to settle with her...

Frankly speaking, after all the thgs tat has happen...i really find it very difficult to trust him...his relationship with my family oso not very gd now...whenever, i thk abt all these...i also feel like giving up...cos he thk so nicely of tat woman...u know, he can vent his anger at me...even when i buy CNY goodies for his parents...instead of saying thank you...he comments tat why u go & buy all these...they oredi told u dun nd, waste money...to me, i thk this is just a gesture...my MIL might say no nd...but i thk still hv to...

there r times i really wonder whether he will treat me the way he use to ?...will he still love me the way he use to ? i seems to hv an answer cos deep down...i feel tat he is not really repenting...the thots of D is still not out of my mind...
 
Hi elizabeth,
is ur hb seeing someone?
ya..he has OW last yr..n even went on a trip with her..
but now is over bet them..we been together for 10yrs..
y did u say tt ur hb will not let u go so easily?isit cos he cant bear u n ur girl leaving him?

dying heart,
i guess in a way, the love will be different..it will not be the same as in the past lor..

so where did he go on wed night? did he really go for dinner with her?
maybe he is supposed to meet her for dinner..but after telling u on tues night,he cancel the meeting with her?
 
Hi forgetmenot,

Well, he tend to write down everythgs he has done in the notebook so i thk he really mtg her for dinner...

Yestersday, he also vent his anger at me...watever thgs i do...he simply got things to comment...i endure & tell myself to calm down...cos mayb, he really in a bad mood over work or who know quarrel with the OW...

Sometimes, i really wonder why must i bear with his behaviour? He betray me & i try to work out on our marriage...wat I get in return ? This kind of treatment...no appreciation from him & he simply take me for granted...Shall i just let him go & join his beloved lover since his heart is not with me...i dun feel & sense any love from him towards me...don't i deserve someone else who can love me ?...sigh...

I really feel lousy...not happy at all...
 
dying heart: if you keep thinking that way (he betray me and *I* have to do the hard work) then you might as well give up now and divorce him.

Think about the future, the present, not the past.

And yes, we all deserve someone to love, who also loves us.
 
dying heart....

i am just an outsider reading your postings.
i felt that yours will be like those taiwanese show episodes. after many episodes, there's no conclusion, no improvements.

i hope to see you move on
 
dying heart,
i guess, we hve to change our mindset..
dun expect anything in return when we give n put in effort.
though the future seems bleak n it seems tt there is nothing worth to hang on for now..but at least, u noe tt u hve tried ur best.

if he did not turn back..it will be his lost.
it is not easy..it is tough..even myself who have been telling myself all these, are struggling..

guess, we hve to channel our focus, instead of focussing on him..then maybe life will be slightly better.

today is new year's eve..try not to think so much..n enjoy urself during this festive season.
 
To all the ladies who hve been giving me advices and offering a listening ear..

Thanks alot. Wish all of you a HAPPY n PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR!!!
 
forgetmenot,

Yes, not easy...that why i am still stuck at the same place...

ok, forget abt all the unhappiness for the times being & enjoy the new year...& may all of us here are able to live happily...Happy Lunar New Year!
 
Hi Micky,

There are still up & down...guess I hv to be more patience. It will takes times & alot of effort to sustain the marriage...
 
Hi 090301, reading your post sends shivers down my spine, I'm in exactly the same position but i really want to save my marriage. How ah?
 
hi ladies

i finally plucked up the courage and went ahead and got a lawyer to draw up the DOS...i have signed it...now waiting for dat fella to sign it...i signed it last wednesday.....
 
hi flower77,

*hugz* don't think too much.... move forward ...

My next hearing on 07/03 .. hopefully everything went smoothly & settle that day.
 


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