(2010/01) January 2010 mtb

yuki,



If only my in-laws think like you do ... about how much I have to deal with here. They somehow always think that my life here is good and all. That I have helper, so it shouldn't be so tough for me to cope. While I agree, that having a helper eases things up in terms of housework, but raising Nat on my own most of the time is not a breeze. Sometimes, when I head back to Singapore, their relatives will send me on errands to buy things for them. I'll be thinking in my heart ... hallo, i dun even have time to go shop for myself, how will I even have time to buy things for you?



And my MIL also didn't defend me when they tasked me with things to buy. Or there were times when we're in Singapore for a month and Nat is unwell, DH wanted to fly back to see her, my in-laws actually tell him not fly back so often coz' it's tiring for him to keep flying, air tickets not cheap and that Nat is in good care here. Yah ... good care by her own mom who's almost dying of exhaustion. Not that I wish they could help but what's wrong with a father flying back to see his sick child? I really feel under-appreciated for the things that I do. Not that I expect to receive praises for raising Nat.



I mean, I am after all an imperfect mom with my flaws. Being away from home, I never once hear them ask about how I'm coping in their calls to us. It's always how's Nat doing or how DH is doing. In fact, sometimes, even my own mom is very harsh on me too in the way I raise Nat. Everytime we talk to each other, it's always like ... How is Nat doing?



And then much later, she'll go like, you look so tired, must eat well otherwise how will you have energy to take care of Nat? :S I realized it's quite an asian thing to not shower with praises and that's why as a mom, I resolve to be different. Just this morning, DH reminded me that whenever I scold Nat, I raise my voice but whenever I praise her, it's in such a normal tone. So I really need to correct myself too. :p Okay ... enough of ramblings of parents and in-laws. Just been bottling them up all the way from Day 1.



Thanks for your encouragement and sharing things from your perspective. I know that the bond that I share with Nat will never be as strong as now should I be out there working.

 


yuki, tyl: DH once told me, 'there's more to a man's identity than one's career.' And I agree. Every man, at some point of his life, is chasing after the goal of being financially-free and getting out of the rat race, yet it's odd that they cannot get out of being 'career-less'.



DH seeks a life of being a hands-on dad, golfing, networking and being a dealmaker. Career (among other things) to him is but means to achieve his goals. And having a strong faith in God certainly helps in him never worrying for a day. After more than 6yrs of knowing him, I've honestly never seen him worried before. Every adviser he's ever had told him to never sacrifice family for career. Some of them paid a high price for that. One of 'em have the power and money, but who is he going to help when his family reject everything he can offer? Who will he leave his legacy to? Everyone fawns upon him, except his kids.



In the end, men and women alike, you define who you are. Not the things you have or the social position you are in.

 
thanks to mommies who share the activites that they do with their LOs. i will certainly try some of them. lately, YX has been very interested in tupperwares and plastic bottles (those mineral water kind). he will spend his time putting on the cover/cap and then pass it to me to remove the cover/cap so that he can put them on again. he can spend quite some time just doing this.



lamb> that must have been a very stressful and worrying period for you. i'm glad that it's all over and Nat is quickly recovering.



lsntyl> sounds like your interview went well. one of my friends was the one who was offered an overseas posting. her DH followed and took the opportunity to set up his own business, since he wasn't working anyway. now that her employer intends to ask her to return, it is her DH who's reluctant to leave. but i guess it's easier since they do not have child yet.



i can understand that it's an important and difficult decision to make. in order for your DH to feel more at ease, perhaps he can research what are some of the things that he can do there when Ayden eventually goes to school (give him something to look forward to). gather all the information that you need, consider all options and then be at peace with the decision that you make as a family.

 
lamb: i understand how you feel...completely. My MIL is like yours, always asking about DH and Emma but never me. And she thinks that it's so easy-breezy cuz I have help.



I think the main issue is they've never really taken care of kids on their own before, hence to them, how difficult can it be? It was until my MIL spoke to her friends and hear them complaining about their DILs then she realise, hey my DIL is not too bad afterall.

 
lamb, i tink all MILs are the same... will ask abt their sons n grandchildren but not the mother... mine for sure is the same as urs... but the diff is, she takes care of my gal 24/7 unless i'm staying over for a few days there if situation allows...

 
andie>like what you said totally. Will leave it to hubby to think through n decide. I cannot make decision for him. [IMG=http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/clipart/sad.gif]



cocomama>still waiting for formal offer but I've been recommended for the job so should b ok. At the v least, I got an ego-boost in knowing I actually got the job. Now, up to us to decide if we really want it.



Have arranged for my friend to get his wife to talk to my hubby. She has gone there as a dependant spouse and has looked after her boy alone while they were there so think she can give him a different perspective. I'm lucky that I've got quite a few friends in the organisation already so they are giving v good advice to us.

 
lsntyl,



Having lived overseas for a couple of years, my advice to u is ... go for it. As much as Yuki has mentioned here about being homesick and all. I feel that as Singaporeans, we need the exposure. Even more so for Ayden. In today's society, we can no longer be confined in the island of Singapore. And perhaps it is because of this, each time I am back, I am seeing a lot more foreigners and also mixed marriages.



Everytime I take a taxi, and i hear the cabbie driver complain about how tough life is in Singapore, I just feel like rolling my eyes and telling him, "Have you seriously gone to live in worser countries to experience how tough life is?! The fact that you can drive a taxi and bring money home to your family, how tough can that be?!" And driving on Singapore's roads is so much safer than other countries. I know what I say may offend some of you here who might have relatives or friends being taxi drivers. But it's not just cabbies who complain. Singaporeans in general are a complaining lot (I, myself am guilty of it). It's embarrassing that we trademark ourselves as a complaining lot.



And as I shared before, being away on your own, really helps bond the 3 of you together. Because no matter what happens, you only have each other to depend on. Whatever challenges or joys you face, you experience it altogether. It really helps to bring relationships closer. All that being said, there's pros and cons. Being away from home has its challenges especially when you're used to help from home. And like you said, even tougher for your DH.



Raising kids will never get easier. In fact the older they are, the more challenges we'll face, just of a different sort. And if it's your first time living overseas, you'll have to take time to immerse yourself into the culture. I've never lived in US before so I can't say for sure how easy it is for immersion. But it's also good that you have friends there that can offer advice. And of course, there's the homesick factor.



I dun suppose you can fly back often or easily being so far away. And given the world filled with threats of terrorism or natural disasters. If anything were to happen, family is just not at your side. For me, it took me a while to really immerse myself into the culture here. Even when I go back to Singapore these days, I find myself speaking mandarin differently. I call waitress 服务员，when I mean no worries, i say 没事 instead of 没关系.



I call kiwi 猕猴桃 and dragonfruit 火龙果. I cross the roads looking really carefully. I have learnt to be more aggressive and not just go about accepting slipshod services provided. Living overseas just changes you as a person. Imagine if it impacts us so much as an adult, what more a growing kid, right? But I'm sure you'd give it really good thought.



Just always remember this ... and that is, it is only when one's living away from comfort zone ... one'll truly appreciate the things that one has been taking for granted.

 
lamb>thanks for your thoughts. [IMG=http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/clipart/happy.gif] fully agree on the exposure portion. Both hubby and I studied overseas before and both of us felt we benefitted a lot from it. At the v least, we became much more independent. I think at best, we can fly back once a year. But there's always webcam although that's still no substitute for personal interaction.



I never knew what kiwi n dragonfruit were called in chinese. learnt new stuff today. Thanks! :p

 
andie,



At least your MIL compares with other DILs and thinks that you're not bad. Even if my in-laws were to compare, they'd probably just keep it within themselves. They dun need to look far to compare. My SIL is also their DIL. But to them, her life will forever be tougher than mine coz' she's working. And that to me, just irks me.



I know FTWMs have it tough too. But how does that make a SAHM's life simpler? And even more so a SAHM living away from home? Being away from home often leads to more misunderstandings as well. They are the sort who'll form pre-conceived notions about me and nothing will change their mind. I am long done with trying to change their impressions of me.



They can think whatever they want of me and as long as my conscience is clear, my DH trusts me for who I am, that's most important.

 
Jessie : Rec'd my TB items.

My girl loved her dark pink shoes with sound....[IMG=http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/clipart/happy.gif]

Thks for organising !

When's the next spree ? Heee....;p

 
I'm blessed with very good parents and in-laws. My FIL is really great. He sends us lots of sweet smses to ask about our health, work, and Renee's growth. Asking for pictures because he's been making personalised photo albums for each of his 5 grandchildren. And he doesn't want Renee's albums to be half filled just because we are seldom back home.



My mummy, who took care of Renee with me 24/7 for 6 months, has recently gotten a iphone 4 just so that we can tango and she can see Renee every other day.



Lamb,

honestly, i think we are getting a better deal staying out here and there. There are some disadvantages but if looking in totality, we are having a relatively easy life. That's the reason why we are not that keen to return too. I've seen so many cases of 'once you have been out, you don't want to go back'.



My parents were also very supportive of our move here. I was the one jittery for having to leave my job, stay overseas for the first time and right after we got married also.



I was struggling like TYL's hub and my mummy being very close to me gave me some advice - like as the wife, you must give him the support as long as you both assessed that it's a better deal in terms of money and environment. Told me not to worry about her, she'll take care. She'll visit. She told me that if she were me. She'd be excited. After all, we are just a flight away.



But I was surprised by my dad! We talk about cars, joke and all but i don't tell him that much of my personal stuff to him. Once in the car, just the two of us, he was telling me that it's a good chance to see the world. He said it's a big place out there. He told me that when he was a small boy in the kampong, he didn't know how big this world is when people say big. He was very excited when a neighbour's son, who was a sailor came back from overseas with some fresh crunchy grapes. He had some and felt like "omg, i never even knew such things existed! They were the best fruits ever." He was telling me although now we are more connected with the world and SG gets a wide variety of imports, there are still a lot to see. I recall I had to hold back my tears.



Don't know if I was touched by him simple kampong encounter, or by his dreams of seeing the world as a kid or by the personal sharing which is rare between the two of us.



TYL, how do your parents and ILs feel about the move? NY further... cos for Dubai, my mummy can say "ai yah, only 7.5 hours away only"

 
c.yang>both sets of parents say they would support us if we feel this is the best decision. But can tell they don't want us to go if possible. My BIL even woke up at nite with an anxiety attack cos of the thought of us leaving. Time diff is 12 hours and flight is really long so staying in touch will b harder.

 
c yang,



Your dad's words were very touching indeed ... it kinda reminded me of my dad's words to me before I left for China. He told me to go pursue my happiness. He thinks that we must pursue life with a passion. And if my happiness lies in being with my DH, then go for it, don't worry for them. Like you, I was apprehensive about leaving too but I still made the decision because I remembered my dad's words to me. Prior to delivering Nat, I shared a good r/s with my in-laws so much so that my friends around me were skeptical and told me that when the baby comes along, things will get different.



I could never imagine how things would go awry coz' I was living with them etc and things were just going great. After Nat came along, a lot of things changed, mainly due to a lot of misunderstandings that they have refused to clear the air over and choose to sweep under the carpet. And because of this, things have never changed. A friend once shared with me before that the older folks get, the more stubborn they are and the more unwilling they are to forgive. Simply because to them, they're elders and it takes a lot of courage to admit that they were at fault too. For me ... I am only trying to maintain harmony with them because of DH and Nat.



There were just too much underlying issues that I dun wish to elaborate over here as well. It's good that you've been raised and are living in a positive family environment because this is important in raising Renee too. So as much as the resentment I have towards the older folks, it'll always be kept within me and not in front of Nat because it is just not fair to her to see her gramps in that manner.

 
Lsntyl : like Lamb, I would say GO! USA should be easier to live in than Seoul or Oman! LOL. At least language not a problem. Only 2 years nia, I think it is a great opportunity for your DH to take a break and also for you , not to mention Ayden.



When I first decide to go to Oman to work, it was because I was bored to tears in SG. I was frighten but also very excited. So worried too but when I was there, serious… it is not tough at all. Infact Oman was still currently my favorite place in the world.



When I went to Seoul with DH, also scary but again, very easy , I mean human beings really does not differ much everywhere in the world. But it pays not to be fussy but be very open to different culture.



I am glad Arwen is born here in Shanghai, her exposure to the local here, the assortment of expats kids here, I know she is going to be very tolerant towards other people next time. I mean she will not be a tight ass nationalistic French for sure!



Lamb is right, living overseas with just DH being my closest person , brought us so much closer, our marriage is so much more meaningful in the sense we cannot afford to argue, we cannot afford to be selfish, we always work together to solve things, we are nicer to one another and help one another more. It was and still is a tough journey but I know we both cherish each other a lot a lot more. It is always wonderful to hear him finishing my sentence now and to have someone whom when I say something, he gets it immediately, our wavelength is getting more and more similar now. But it takes works and a lot of tolerance sometimes. I say staying overseas made us more mature and more loving . Before this, it was different, we are argue more and there are a lot of "I", "Me", "Mine" in those conversation but now lesser.

 
Lamb: Just went for lunch with Della and lepak under the sun for over 1 hour. Goodness,it was a good break! I invite her over here to chit chat with us also, hope she joins!



She convince me to go to SG day since it is in the morning, so can go for classes later stuff with SG food keke

 
lamb>hope some day the misunderstandings can be cleared. Must really hurt for the relationship to suddenly worsen. Kudos to you for thinking of Nat and hiding whatever resentment you might have for her grandparents. They are really lucky to have you as a DIL. Hope they will realise it one day.



Jessie>thanks again for your insights. If we go, it'll be for long-term. Too much at stake to slink back to SG. After the initial 2 years contract, likely to be extended to a permanent position with a different section or duty station. Think that's part of why the immediate family are upset although they aren't really showing it.



yes, living overseas, we'll have to really support each other cos family support is no longer there. Have to learn to b tolerant and think more for each other.

 
jessie - Yah, should go! Bring Arwen and DH k? I'll sms u when I'm there, park so big, dunno if will get to meet or not. LOL.

 
lsntyl,



I guess it has come to a point for me (after more than a year), that it doesn't matter whether they appreciate having me as a DIL or not. But more so for my DH who is aware of what's going on and sees what I have gone through to maintain the harmony. To me, I need him to trust and respect me as his wife and to know that whatever I'm doing is in the best interests of the family and not for myself. I admit that it did hurt me a lot in the beginning. But as time went by and being apart, a lot of things are kinda buried within already. But I have also learnt to be more careful about my actions in order not to create any false impressions in them.



They can be really sensitive to the littlest things that have been said or done and think up of all sorts of implied meanings etc and then get all upset over it.

 
lamb>some elders can be like that. maybe cos they already sense the distance so they get extra sensitive. Just have to b careful not to cause more misunderstandings. As long as our conscience are clear, that's all we can do bah. But it definitely helps to have the support of our hubby. [IMG=http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/clipart/happy.gif]

 
lsntyl - Yes yes ... at the end of the day, as long as our conscience is clear, raise our kids to respect their grandparents, I think that's most important.

 
Bluey, I myself speak ard 7 mths old and by 12 mths old I speak phr.ases ald But I only start to walk at 17 mths! Some babies are just careful n not confident in independen hands-free walking yet, dun worry! My boy's speech skills is still kinda slow, but he is running and climbing nowadays. Refused to let us hold hands n he kept walking n walking!



Hi, Lamb hope Nat is better. When I ask her wat she wan me to get when I go on hols, she can tell me to buy things that dunno who n who like.....I will not buy the thing on purpose cos pls lo, its not for her leh, I have to lug all the way back jus for some other outsider...Damn weird! Abt own mum helping to look after their grandkid. My hb always remind me that it is not grandparents' job to look after our kid. They had done their part as parents n its our turn to do ours. So its a bonus that my mum can help me and mil to help my mum when my mum needs help.I am fortunate enough already. I did tell them if they tink they wan their freedom, I am prepared to put A into childcare but I wld prefer to go childcare when 18 mths old or infantcare. Both mums said they won't wanna put their grandson in childcare since they can share the "workload". No matter how much we dislike our ils, still must teach them to respect the grandparents.

 
Mummies who hve no help frm mother or ILs or maid to take care of LOs, u r not alone!

My DH is their only son n their daughter has migrated. STILL dun treasure the relationship, saying we live too far away frm them..dun like to go 'other people' hse lah..the fact tat they hve practically nothing to do at hme, healthy n still dun visit us often (less than 5 times in 4yrs bah)

So i'm the 'other people' lah ..fine..so i let them c their 'other people' son (my son heehee) 5 times a yr? MIL afraid i will impose her lifestyle...it is right tat they shld enjoy their semi-retired life but DH n I jus hoped tat they can cme our place once a while so i can rest..being a SAHM frustrates me a lot, sometimes i told DH i feel like jumping out of the window becos i'm so tired n badly needs a break..these 15mths at hme has melted me so much..i hve becme so 'yellow-faced'..cooking n washing n mopping..no time for spa,facial,waxing,shopping,teabreaks..depends on DH financially..my whole life evolves wif my son onli..is it time to let go?

 
mamaD,



*hugs* to you. There are moments when I feel like just shutting the door behind me and running away as far as I can but yet have to keep pushing myself on. In the past, whenever DH is out of town, I would be really upset coz' it would mean I'd have to do everything on my own. But later, I realized that my mommy friends here are also in the same plight and have learnt to deal with it. It made me feel comforted that I'm not alone and have since learnt to make use of the time when DH is not around. On nites when DH is outta town, I take a DVD movie or serials to watch, read a book, do some online chatting with friends etc.



In fact these days, when DH is not around, I actually look forward coz' there's no one to hog the tv, I can take a break from cooking, order my takeouts. I actually appreciate the privacy that I have and 'me' time. Once in a while, when DH is back, I'll do a girls' nite out session with my friends to unwind, gossip etc. It may sound pathetic compared to what you moms are doing for your lives but to me, it means a lot. In fact, days prior to Nat, when I would go for mani/pedi, meet up with friends for lunch/tea, go window shopping etc were actually rather meaningless to me. Although yes life was carefree, I can plan my time any way I want, but it just felt empty deep within.



On days that DH was on his business trips, I was all alone literally. But now, when DH goes on his trips, I dun go to bed alone, I have Nat with me. Tiring as it may be but I'm no longer alone. Trust me, it's not easy to be able to reach the stage of being contented with motherhood and I am still getting frustrated along the way but I have also experienced the little joys in my life while being the main caregiver for Nat.

 
Jessie, I got my loot today! My gals love the shoes n the turtle toy. Vanillaberry, collected her loot this evening too. [IMG=http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/clipart/happy.gif]



Yl, err, dun know whether to congratulate u or not for getting the job now. Thought L was supportive n keen to try selling Coach or KS bags as sideline?



Or maybe it is only the permanent part is the one that is unsettling? Although the initial stage of looking after ayden will be difficult, after he sets his own routine with ayden, should be ok. He can also quit his job early or apply for no pay leave n try it out n see if he likes being a sahd? It is still possible to go there for 2 yrs then evaluate whether to continue at NY after that depending on whether childcare works out n if L can find a job there.



Can understand about the grandparents' reaction, after all, Ayden is the first n only grandchild for both families. Am sure they will miss him lots. [IMG=http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/clipart/happy.gif]



MamaD, my ILs n own dad also dislike traveling to other pp's house cos he is not very mobile. Some old folks r like that. They feel that since they r the elders, if the children, dil want any help with the grandkids, we should go over to their place instead of making them travel to ours. :p

 
mamaD, lamb: there are situations in life where there is no escaping from, and kids are one of them. They are part of us, a projection of half of our DNA into the future.



The hard fact is, our kids will be dependent on us for years to come. And tolerating the chores and anonymity will not come to a good end. But making it as a second nature to your character, making it a habit, then it changes the view.



To make the best of any situation, I always say. We are now SAHM, there is no denying it and we are labeled 'just moms'. Nothing more.



So I will strive to be the best damn mom out there. Not perfect, but to be at my best. That's why I pick up all sorts of crafty/home improvement stuff from google. That's why I read up on all sorts in hope I can be Emma's walking encyclopedia one day. Let our children be the testament of our hard work. Every time someone praises our children, that is our recognition.





People who knew me before were shocked at how domesticated I've become, and I know they were more taken aback by what I gave up. But hey, if Martha Stewart can make millions...all's not impossible. [IMG=http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/clipart/happy.gif] (okay, maybe not millions, but just 1 million for me? heh)

 
re: mils relationship

think for most, it starts from paktor days. Am sure all parents already form some impression of their prospective dils, whether true of false, about their son's gf. Along the way, thru marriage, setting up homes, having kids etc. more misunderstandings sure happen. Though I had some minor conflicts with MIL in the past, I am glad I have LONG gone past the stage with MIL. I think it helps if both parties communicate openly, don't assume something you don't like or see eye to eye to the other party knows. I believe they have good intentions just that it may be demonstrated in different ways which disagree with ours, being from different generation and upbringing. If siblings from the same mould and upbringing can be so different, what more about others not from same family? Likewise, if DH is good enough for me to marry, surely his mother's upbrining is not that wrong, was it?



also, agree with most mummies that no matter what, the kids have a right to bond and develop that relationship with their grandparents, despite any unhappiness we may have. I mean my mum did not have a perfect relationship with my grandma, but I still loved my grandma, and I respect my mum all the more for allowing that to happen.



Putting myself on the other side of the fence, we will become MIL in the future, and bound to repeat the age old MIL-DIL relationship. So to think we will be labeled as the 'terrible MIL', which is quite likely no matter how good intention we have. It may sound familiar to most, but simple comments like: " Oh , you not eating at home? Eating out tonight?", the DIL can think:" Oh, so you expect me to be a good traditional DIL and cook after work? Don't ever think of that!"

or things like MIL (who could be your mum now) not able to look after newborn as old and not confident, can be construed as MIL unhelpful?

or MIL 'beat' and 'scold' the table which bb bump into, can be making some parents angry? (actually i am guilty of sometimes, but bb laughs that's wht matters to me. And it doesn't take away the fact that bb will learn to be more careful next time)



Such are real examples which saddens me about MIL/DIL relationships that I often hear.



at the end of the day, as long as we carry our roles as mother, wife, DIL with conscience and grace (da fang), to the best of our ability, we have no regrets and nobody to answer to. Jiayou to all.

 
andie, cyang

i am also weirdo, will find out anything about socio, political, economics, biology, history, geography, archeology, anything under the sun that i am curious abt. I also read obituaries! and starts to form relationships of the names with people in the know



TYL

I would say GO FOR IT. Go with open mind. Anywy, your hub does not have to be SAHD forever, after settling and childcare arrangement, can always look around. and Don't have to commit to permanent, go and see how it pans out, that way, it is more gradual and easy for others to accept too.

 
lamb> DH asked whether it is ok to outstation for 3 mths, i told him dun cme hme after he is back...so bad of me hor..haha..he is gg to outstation at least twice for abt 1 mth tis year n i am so so scared til i will cry in the afternoon when LO naps...even cry oso must wait till he is zzzzzzzz.....hope i can b as strong as u then..enjoying the privacy..



Andie> whenever i filled in my present occupation as SAHM i will feel sad, jus hard to explain y so sensitive over a small matter..my homos running a bit 'wild' after i given birth..a bit 'sort sort' liao...oh yah..there was once i dun hve to write dwn SAHM becos there is a blank to tick HOUSEWIFE..geee...lagi offended..



Pauline> hope i wont be like those old folks in future..i will help my son, DIL whenever they need me no matter hw far away they are..S'pore is so small n accessible, i'm sure i can find their home wan..ha..



DH said he will never wan a 2nd kid unless he can afford a helper n me to stay at hme..

 
MamaD : Hugs, hey you are trying your best everyday so don't be hard on yourself like that! My DH also, happy happy sometimes decide he needs to go on non urgent work trip to South Korea or France for two weeks. I am not happy but I let him go cos it is for work. But I think the last time he went for two weeks, that night when he come home, Arwen look at him and run to me crying in my arms and keep staring at him like he is a stranger! That change him , he was so hurt by her reaction,now he cancel any unnneccessary trip and make sure he gets home by 6.30pm after work.



MamaD, easy for us to say eh but if you need a break, bring your LO over to your In Laws with all the neccessities and go there, smile and say, NAH, here is your grandson who wants to spend one afternoon with you. And you go out do something.



Serious it is important that the mothers are kept sane. What more you have a LO with asthma? The strain can add on and maybe escalate to something worse. It is so often easily to live in familiar hell than unknown heaven. Some people got so use to being tired and sad, they forgot how to be happy again.



SAHM is a great job and I know it. I am always happy to tell people I am a homemaker. It is a kind of luxury I never dream I will have. I am always very glad I am able to be with Arwen day and night even though a lot of times I felt i lost myself. I hardly have time to read which is my greatest love, I don't have time to groom myself very well and I am always out of breath rushing here and there to maintain this household and myself. But I told myself to use this to turn into strength, I am not lost,I am even more amazing now, cos I am a mother and I had giving birth to life from scratch. If I never will accomplish another great thing in my life, it is okay because I am a mother. I often tell Arwen. I know in future, even if I found the cure in cancer , she is still my masterpiece.

 
Oh, Jessie,

you were writing about watching our kiddos hit all their firsts a few posts earlier. I wanted to tell you to include "The first time my daughter/son says she/he hates me". Read that in a zany parenting article. hah.



Like when she's five and asks to buy something. You refuse and then you discover that she wrote "I hate you" on a small slip secretly. Some kids may not write it but will have that thought in mind. Apparently, every kid has a i-hate-my-mom/dad moment. :p



Furby,

I read obituaries all the time too! Even classifieds! Do you read movie credits? I love the rolling text and checking out the list of "Tall man at bakery", "Gas pump attendant" or "Man at beach 1", "Man at beach 2" and Man at beach 3". haha!



it's like wasting time overloading on useless information. :p But I just must read something. I can read the listerine label again and again everyday when I'm brushing my teeth.

 
Pauline>still waiting for formal offer. Guess we'll see how first. Wait pay is not to our expectations. :p



He's still considering doing a business there but must first see how the situation is. The bags idea is cos a friend's wife was doing that when she was staying in SG.



furby>thanks for your words of encouragement. We'll assess situation and decide. I've always been a all or nothing person. If we go there, we MUST make it work. Otherwise, no sense in uprooting all of us just to go there for 2 years. My ultimate intention is to give Ayden a more cosmopolitan upbringing and expose him to different cultures/backgrounds and a different education system. But of cos SG is always here as a backup if we really cannot tahan. But its an ultimate last resort. I don't want us to go there thinking we just try try. If NY doesn't work out, I'll rather transfer first to other duty stations. Only when I've exhausted all my options will I think of coming back to SG. That's why I need hubby's 100% support. If not, I'll rather we stay here.



mamaD>maybe you can bring your bb for some enrichment programmes? That'll give you a break instead of always being coped up at home? If ILs don't want to meet you at home and you don't want to go to their place, then meet outside?



Alternatively, maybe you can explore playgroups? Even a 2-3 hour break while your child is at the playgroup can give you breathing space.



Being a SAHM is actually a luxury to some. I know moms who wish they can do it but can't cos of financial commitments.



Jessie/C.Yang>think both of u are great moms. I don't think I can do as good a job if I was a SAHM. really not easy.

 
tyl> my hb was just telling e yesterday that he dont want to return to the workforce. :p to me, that's quite bad news coz i also dont want to work. :p but when i see how enthu he is abt cooking new stuff for us to eat, and cleaning the house etc, i have to resign to the fact that i should be the one working.



some days hb will say he really wants to go out or sometimes, he'll ask my mum over so that he can go out to buy groceries.



must find a alternative childcare, then ur hb can go out for some me time. [IMG=http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/clipart/happy.gif]



and before you go, get a driving license. :p



like yuki, i also sense some apprehension from ur hb. pray that the 2 of you can work out something. if not, can consider bringing my family over as caretakers??? hahaha.



andie> there are also au pairs from singapore. my friend worked as an au pair in usa before. hee.



i am also very surprised by how much more domesticated i've become. overall, i think it's a very good learning experience.



but there's still lots of room for improvement for me. :p.

 
Tyl, go for it! Since A is young n both u n hb too, it wld b easier compared to 10 yrs later. Not everyone gets such opportunity Furby, your insights always interesting, I like to read what u have to say, let me take a step bk to think fr another perspective. MamaD , dun b too hard on yourself. Maybe can put Bb into half day cc next time he turns 18 mths? I wish I cld b sahm forever, but I wasn't doing a gd job n I wish sometimes I have no help cos the way I guide my boy is being interrupted. N u know old folks got so much to say. My hb is nt very hands on n he takes the grandparents for granted, loses cool easily on the boy...

 
xin>hee, hubby wants to talk to yours. get some ideas for what to do with bb during the day. Won't have enough time for him to get driving licence in SG, if we go, esp with his busy work schedule. I have one but need to really practice. Don't dare to drive cos its been so long since I've driven.



don't take we can afford to hire you n your hubby n Matt leh. :p



firipy>yes, its now or never. if we reject, even if the organisation offers me another position later, same issues will remain and it'll b even more difficult once Ayden starts school.

 
Hey Mummies, Good morning... [IMG=http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/clipart/happy.gif]



TYL, go for it.... If given a chance, I would love to work overseas too...

Not too sure if my hubby got a chance to work overseas or not...

 
littlelamb> so glad to hear that Nat's ok. must be very frightful.



mamad> for me, i think filling up housewife is quite a joy. to be able to tk time off to tk care of baby has always been my aspiration. haha. but usu i see the situation, sometimes i still put civil servant. :p.



poor hb cant even put 'housewife' [IMG=http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/clipart/sad.gif] think they should have a more gender neutral term. 'homemaker'??

 
tyl> no need hire lah. food and lodging will be enough. hee hee.



go for a refresher before you go over then.



ya, think they can talk at botanical gdns. [IMG=http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/clipart/happy.gif]



sat got library book exchange. can go tog too. any other mummies interested? get rid of your dust laden books to exchange new books for baby. [IMG=http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/clipart/happy.gif]

 
xin>what library book exchange? I've got lots of old books leh. But sat ayden having his MMR jab maybe cannot go.



Will you have Good Fri service that day? If not, want to go together to botanic gardens? Haven't been there in ages so scared get lost. :p



Food n lodgings no prob if you visit. Will miss Mattias if we go... He's such a dear boy.

 
Yl, yup, for all the uprooting issues, the $$$ must be worth it. Hee! I think it will be lar, if not your friends would not have accepted their offer. Only bad thing is that us rate is all time low so a bit bohua. :p



Littlelamb, sorry to hear about Nat. Glad she is better now.



Xin/tyl, hubby has lots of old books but I rather he just donates instead of exchanging cos the house got no space Liao. Where is the exchange? Can bring to nearest public library?

 
tyl> bring your old books to any library to exchange for coupons. on sat, you can go and get 'new' books from what others donated. my friend say she went for 2 years already. very good.



good friday we no service. you can follow us there but we miht leave quite early. coz hb very strict about mattias' routine. [IMG=http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/clipart/sad.gif]



i cant stand it. :p

 
xin>hee, read that article this morning. u got the link from bbslings too?



hee, ok. we can chat on the way there. I think your hubby partly zhi ye bing? cos his former workplace oso run on a tight schedule? In a way its good bah. Easier to take care of Mattias if he's on a routine.



Pauline>its ok cos we're not big spenders. actually, monthly combined income will probably drop. but should still be comfortable with grants etc. I should b able to get 75% education grant for Ayden when he turns 5 so must tahan till then.



yes, its a pity about the us rate. think it'll prob drop further. [IMG=http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/clipart/sad.gif]

 
MamaD: ooo I know that feeling, it's like acknowledging to yourself and to others in black and white that you are a SAHM. And the term housewife is staring right in front of you. But we'll come to terms with it, otherwise the internal struggle within will eat us alive.





tyl: like the other mommies, I'd say go for it. But i'd recommend keeping your options open. For us, the sole purpose of us going there is for Emma. One day if she tells me 'mommy I don't like it here, I want to go back to SG', we will come back. We are still a young family, it's better to try than not to have tried at all and spend the rest of our lives wondering. And gaining overseas experience doesn't hurt one's career path, does it?



Make a decision, be at peace with it, and everything will fall into place. It's odd, but it's true. [IMG=http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/clipart/happy.gif]





xin: i always write homemaker in forms. It's makes more sense to me.





jessie: yes, i know a mother who has forgotten how to be happy. She's always tired, always dragging her feet, always at the beck and call of her DH, BIL and MIL (cuz she lives with her ILs), always worrying about everything and places all sorts of burden on her shoulders even though it's none of her concern. She's diagnosed with major clinical depression and has a letter from her psychiatrist to take leave of absence from work for 3mths. But her MIL couldn't care less. And her own mother feels that she chose her own DH, therefore she should just 'suck it up'.



Her DH earns and spends his own $, not enough get from wife. She has to pay all expenses for her son who is in nursery, allowance to her mother for babysitting her son, $ to her DH, pay for groceries at home, BIL will ask her to buy stuff then don't pay up, every chinese occasion she'll have to buy all the items from food, fruit to joss sticks. AND...she's only 30!



I could actually feel myself drained out from her negativity every single time I talk to her. She's not ready to be happy and feels that she deserves all these, cuz she has held on to that load of unhappiness for so long, the day she lets go, she has nothing else to fill that void and that scares her.

 
andie>oh dear. that sounds really bad for the mom. hope she's able to break out of the cycle.



we'll evaluate the decision again when I'm gotten a formal offer and my rank and pay is confirmed. But chances are we'll go for it. Life is too short to have regrets.

 
andie : I had seen that in many people but not so severe state.I use to be abit like that until to my horror I realise I "enjoy" being miserable , I "enjoy" complaining to others and soaking in their sympathies and kind words. It is not like a bad thing as in in human nature. Until one day I literally get so sick of myself and I just decide to stop or minimize it. I realise either I change my perspective or nothing is going to change and I will just sink lower and lower.



I remember 6 months after Arwen was borned, I was quite weepy and tired all the time. It was a chore to dress up and go for a nice dinner, I felt fat and lumpy. But I dress up and it was really a disaster as I forgot how to wear nice clothes after 10 months of comfy maternity wear. I was so tense at the restaurants , thinking all the time I should be with my baby and not here. It was a very stressful meal for me. But slowly , as I go out more each week, I feel better and very slowly I feel it is ok to enjoy and I am not abandoning my baby. Till now, I rather be at home coop up with Arwen but if friends ask me out, I will make myself go and everytime.. I am thankful I did . [IMG=http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/clipart/happy.gif]

 
re: MIL

my relationship with my MIL actually improved following YX's arrival after 9 years of marriage. prior to that, she would sometimes pass some sarcastic remarks, but they always go in one ear and come out the other ear. the day we announced our pregnancy, she cried and hugged me. it turned out that she was constantly being ridiculed at her workplace for having a barren DIL, a son who's not filial enough to give her a grandchild or that she does not have enough good karma to have a grandchild (nevermind that my SIL has 4 children). it was only then that i realized how much she has suffered in silence.



in our case, the problem was not caused by her or me, but by people around her. why anyone would want to do such things is beyond me. perhaps it makes them feel more superior about themselves.



to those who are having MIL issues, i hope they will be resolved some day. even if you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel now, don't keep it in your heart as it will only cause more hatred. at the end of the day, have a clear conscience that you have done what you ought to do and remind ourselves to be a carefree MIL in future.

 

andie> your description sounds like a friend of mine. also only 30. sometimes, i feel v tired talking to her. but i feel that she already dont have any other form of support so i should be there for her. :p.



sometimes, the homemaker option not available leh. hee.



miss meeting you all at peek-a-boo. [IMG=http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/clipart/sad.gif]



tyl> yup, i believe his is zhi ye bing. maybe one day, he'll ask mattias to fall in. haha.



all the best. i'm sure u all can work something out. [IMG=http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/clipart/happy.gif]



pauline> think you can also jsut donate ba. the donation can be done at any library.

 
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