hi SWM,
Wow,I like the way u analysed my feelings.that's a very good way of looking at it,which i have never tot of.
Ecobaby,
I really feel like u,u know? to keep a low profile.I think only ppl who are in our shoes can truely do it.when i 1st got preg,i was so proud of my bulging tummy.who wouldn't,right? esp since my hubby took such good care of me and i was a princess when i was preg.like u,now,i'm very sensitive abt talking to ppl abt pregnancies and asking them abt their babies.juz that day,i saw a patient who was recorded as preg (a few mths,can't rem exactly) less than 6 mths ago,but when she saw me for a check up,her tummy was all flat.i didn't ask,i juz took it that she had a miscarriage.i also told myself i will not allow my child to mix ard with my hubby's child.some ppl may think if i have a child eventually and my child doesn't mix ard,my child will have no friends.but i think there are other way of finding friends for ur child.ur child can make friends in sch,in extra activities they go for etc.and i want to keep a low profile for my future child.i was juz thinking in the car by myself juz now...if i get preg again,i think i want to keep it to myself until my tummy shows.don't even tell my hubby.alternatively,i want to go hide somewhere until the child is born.but that also means i will be w/o hubby support.u read down and then u know y i'm thinking like that.
HI LoveyM,
*HUGS* wow,u have been thru' a lot more than me.seeing ur baby born,having that hope coz ur baby was born.and the worse part,i think,is to have a death cert done for ur baby.when i had the stillbirth,the stupid nurse told me must do death cert.it tore my hubby and me apart,coz both of us couldn't bear to do it.in the end,we made a decision to get my cousin to do it.but that was all wrong info the stupid nurse gave.it was a relief not having to do it.when i read ur post,i cried too.coz i can feel ur pain,ur loss,ur disappointment,ur life plan tore apart.i carried my child to 29wks.i was already mentally preparing myself for the birth,but definitely not stillbirth.
SeR dar,
If I move to oz,it will be me moving alone.u read wat i'm going to write later and u'll understand.
Ladies,
I confess i've been a mess these couple of days.i don't know y,but this wave of 'bad days' juz started like that,with no reason/trigger.today,i had even more shocking revelation.well,all of u know i don't get along with my in laws.hubby and i were talking abt my in laws today and we always come back to the same thing.i'm prejudiced against them.that's wat he thinks.then it goes ard in circle,how i'm so petty,how i always feel there is 'competition' amongst us and his friends etc.then he said something.he said his friends now don't call him out in fear of upsetting me.i told him many times he can go out with his friends and their families.young families some more.i told him if he can bear the pain,y not? but i can't bear the pain,so i won't put myself thru' it.but that also means i'm losing some friends.that's y i'm wanting to make friends with u gals who can understand wat i've gone thru'.i'm not saying we get together as a group and dwell in our sorrows,but at least we don't say insensitive things to each other,even less likely that we will give away preg test kit to each other (like wat his friend did to us).coz we know how sensitive our healing souls are.and this is the BEST PART! he said his friends knew they made a mistake when they invited me for a kiddy b'day party juz a few mths after the stillbirth. WTF????? it doesn't take a genuis to know that! even a person with 1/2 a pig brain will think of it.i prob wore my emotions on my sleeve,and they saw my expression.of course! do u expect me to be happy for the b'day little girl? when i juz lost my girl?i went there coz my hubby said if i didn't go there,it meant i wasn't ready to conceive again coz i haven't recovered.i don't know wat sort of warped theory that is.but at that time,i really wanted to try again,so i put myself thru' all that pain.i should have stood up for myself then,rather than put myself thru' so much in one afternoon.so his friends have stopped inviting us to all these events,coz they realised they made a mistake.again,WTF??? like i said,it's SOOOO common sense,right? his friends make themselves sound so nobel.they even try not to put photos of their kids up on facebook in fear of upsetting me.WTF again! i still see the photos all the time.and they even give me preg test kit.wat nonsense,right? i'm so angry.
after i had the talk with hubby,it's a good thing i didn't have to see hubby for the whole afternoon,as i had post grad lessons to attend.i can imagine how explosive i will be if i spent the arvo with him.and i totally lost it.on the way to uni,i cried while driving.when i reached uni and went to the toilet,sitting on the toilet bowl,looking at the bleeding i'm having fr the D&C,i cried my heart out again.and i said to god,if he sees me in this state now,i hope he bless me with many children.this whole conversation i had with my hubby really weighed so heavily on my mind.and when i drove home,i cried again.u know,my hubby doesn't want to hear the name of our lost baby mentioned again.he said that will be memories.i wanted to ask him if he will never mention his mum again (his mum has passed on),coz it should be confined to memory.my baby did exist! maybe he's more detached coz he's not the one carrying the baby.he's not the one caring for the baby in the womb.i feel so upset now.all those nonsense abt his friends 'caring' so much abt me.well,action speaks louder than words,right? if u care,u will never give someone in our shoes a preg test kit/an O kit that u don't need anymore coz ur wife got preg.
i'm really thinking of giving up this rlnshp.very silly,some may say.but i'm so upset with my hubby,and the way he's 'helping' me cope.he will never throw his arm ard me to console me on this matter.he juz keeps saying how bad my progress is.i feel like moving back to my mum's for a while.but i love my own house.i've lived overseas for so long,i need my own space.the 2 yrs of living back home with my mum was really testing.f i want to be alone,the other alternative is to kick my hubby out of the house and get him to move back with his dad.but his dad is a funny character,and i don't want my hubby to be influenced by his stupid dad.so i have no choice.i guess i'll juz try to lead my own life.guess for these few days,and the wk leading up to the 1st anniversary of my darling girl,it's best to avoid conversation with my hubby,least we get into a quarrel