Support Group - Mid Term Termination Of Pregnancy

tarynn

Member
These few weeks has been really tormenting for me and my husband. Since I knew I was pregnant, I was very very happy. Then during my 15 weeks prenancy, i was given the option to go for the Oscar test during my 16 weeks. But nightmare begin for me ever since I knew my results for the Oscar test. I was told my risk for having a down syndrome baby is 1:28. I am 31 yrs old and my husband is 30. My first child is now 3 yrs old and we have no past family history of DS ( down syndrome)and we also do not have any medical history of blood pressure, diabetes etc etc. So,it was really shocking when I was told my risk of having DS is 1:28!! I cried and cried. Then my doc asked me go for Amniocentesis . i opted for the express results as I was really really anxious. 2 days after amnio, my nightmare was confirm. I had a DS baby boy. I really break down. So, i waited for anther 2 weeks for the final and detailed results...again it is the same. I really feel heart broken. I really wanted this child. Be it boy or girl...as long as is healthy...everyday i cry. So my gynae asked me to consider my choice...either keep or abort. Finally decision was to abort. I went to TMC on 23rd Aug and was given vaginal passary till full dilation and my precious baby was delivered at ard 9pm plus. He looks so peaceful and he looks so adorable to me. It really break my heart to see him pass away just like this but I really cannot cope with a DS child. I am really sorry, my poor boy. Mummy really wanted to love you. All i can say is sorry.Now i really have no heart to conceive again cos I am really scared to have a DS baby again. I feel very guilt and depressed. So i hope to find some support over here. Thanks for listening to me , people.
 


babyyew

New Member
Hi Tarynn,

I'm so sad to read ur story..I also been thru an abortion when I'm pregnant @ 10weeks+. Although mine was not DS bb, the pain of going thru it is devastating. But life haf to move on..tink it this way..letting him go is a relieve to him coz he dun haf to suffer so much, dun need to worry who's going to look after him when u r not ard anymore...he had alreadi pass on to a better place where there's more love and happiness..Do talk to me if u need a listening ear.
 

maywong

Active Member
Tarynn,
I teared when I read ur post. Do take care. Have a mini confinement. You are still young, try to conceive again so that ur first child will have a sibling. Continue posting here, I am sure alot of mummies are willing to be listening ears.
 

mtyh

Member
Hi Tarynn,

The baby will understand.

I suggest you do some charity work. When you give joy to others, you'll receive joy from them as well.

Take care.
 

mayng

New Member
tarynn, i totally understand you gng through. i just had a termination on 17th aug, due the 7week bb lost its heartbeat n abnormal formation.

i share ur saddnes and wishes that you will look forward in life and not get too depress. In life, there are gains and losses too. Making a choice like this is never easy one.

God will bless you with another healthy child. keep those prayers gng
 

tarynn

Member
Thanks a zillion for listening to my sorrow. Yes..life have to go on. I guess time will heal my deep wound...
 

leslieanne

New Member
Hi Tarynn

Be strong and we totally understand how you feel deep inside. I just had an induce labour too in june due to cervical incompetent at week 21... is sad, but have to look forward and move on. You boy will understand.
 

thistle

New Member
tarynn, so sorry to hear of what happened. don't blame yourself, take good care, have lots of rest. one day you will meet your baby in heaven!
 

tarynn

Member
Thanks all....i think of him everyday...guilty and depressed. Hope time will heal. Anyone knows after giving birth, when will breast milk start? Cos I am thinking of expressing out but till now ( after 5 days ), i still have not produce any breast milk yet.
 

loppi_tan

New Member
So sorry to know about your loss, Tarynn. Be strong and know that when God closes one door, another opens....May God bless you and your family....
 

aamelia

New Member
i understand how u feel.1 yr ago i was in the same position as u. I was heartbroken. i bought my dd a dress n shoes n wanted to give them to her. but when i saw her after she was born, all i could do was cry. but those sad days have passed, we tried again shorty after n now i hav a 3 month ds. I miss my dd n think of her every so often but the pain is now bearable .
 

tarynn

Member
Hi all...tks once again. Amelia..how after did you then try again for yr son? BTW, any idea when will breast milk start ?
 

aamelia

New Member
The breast milk came after about 5 days, but I didn't pump so it stopped about 1 week later. Best not to pump so that your breastmilk will stop on it's own.

I tried for my son after 3 months. hope you can put things behind you and try again.....
 

tarynn

Member
tks..amelia.Actually hope to have a baby soon but afraid will turn out to be down syndrome again. Phobia ..really phobia.
 

aamelia

New Member
tarynn
I understand what you mean. I was also very worried about my son. There is an earlier test that can be done. I think some pple call it the OSCAR test. they do nuchal fold thickness measurement and some blood test. Usually done between 11-14 wks.

I did that test and the odds came out 1: 2000 even after they took into account my prev downs pregnancy. I didn't go for amnio the second time but if the OSCAR results showed higher risk, I would have gone for chorionic villus sampling to confirm instead of waiting until wk 16 to do the amnio. The chorionic villus sampling is like an amnio but can be done about 12 wks but higher risk of miscarriage compared to amnio. Chorionic villus sampling can give you an answer earlier if you are worried.

is your first kid a boy or a girl?
 

tarynn

Member
Hi Amelia...I did go for the OSCAR test at TMC. It was after the OSCAR test that I was told my risk of having DS is 1:28..pretty high for people like my age with no medical history. Then I went for Amniocentesis and it is confirm DS( sign ~ ). Actually this pregnancy is not very smooth for me. Initially, for first 2 months or so, I kept having spotting and I have to go for injection 2 times a week. And on one occasion, I was bleeding very heavily and I need to rush to A&E but baby was then ok. A couple of hiccups for this pregnancy and now all boiled down to nothing except pain and guilt in the heart.Everyday I missed my baby boy. Tears every night but i know nothing can changed the fact. I just cannot stop the tears from coming down. I really wanted a healthy baby.What have I done to deserve all these? Really heartache whenever i think.

My first kid is a girl and she is abt 3 yrs old now. She is very cute and I love her very very much.Even if i want to plan for a second one, i also worried cos the age gap seem a bit wide already. But for these few months, i also got no heart to conceive having been thru my ordeal and also the phobia...i felt really lost .
 

aamelia

New Member
Hi Tarynn
My OSCAR test was also 1:27. and I was also 31 then, pretty coincidental.

Now is still grieving period. Just let yourself be sad. It's very normal and you just need the time to miss your baby and feel the hurt and guilt. No need to worry about the second one, it will come in time.

Yes I know the guilt is the hardest part to bear. even after I got pregnant again, I still felt the guilt.

Thought I'd share this with you, my uncle also had DS. In those days education for DS was not as good and this uncle of mine is very dependent. My aunt (ie this uncle's sister) is taking care of him, she does not have a life of her own, not married, no kids, and not very many friends because of her responsibility. I didn't want it for my eldest, I know these days that with good education, the pple with DS can lead good quality lives but they still cannot live independently, they just will never have the mental capacity. I know my eldest son will never mind ( just like my aunt doesn't mind) but I could not make my eldest take such responsibility. I still look back and wonder if I made the right decision ..................

Don't blame yourself for the DS. There is nothing you had done or anything you could have done to prevent it. It's just one the those things that life throws at you. We all learn to cope, each in our own way.
 

tarynn

Member
Hi Amelia...seem that we have quite similar situation. Today is exactly one week since the termination. Hope I will get over the sorrow soon..tks for yr support and all those who has comforted me ..
 

aamelia

New Member
Hi Tarynn,

You sound better today. Take one day at a time, there will be ups and downs. if you need someone to chat with just come to the forum.
 

1pumpkin

New Member
I aborted an abnormal foetus at almost 12wks. Yes, I agree I'm cruel but I dont want another abnormal child in the hse. Be it sinful or will get retribution .... I didnt regret my decision. Given a chance to abort my girl, I would do the same thing. But I only discovered she's abnormal just b4 she turns 1yr so 'too late'. Some ppl might think I'm evil, ought to be chopped into pieces (I got such remarks when aborted the 12wks foetus)!!

Although incident already past 4yrs but that 'lost child' is still in my heart. I do know some mummies who bravely (well, they appear so) accepted a DS child - same sch as my girl. I admit they accept things/challenges 'gladly' and do much better then I.

Nobody can condemn us if they hv not been on the same track/situation.

Live well, dont be afraid to try another child - just ensure all the necessary tests r taken (I wasnt given the option to take detailed tests cos I hv no family history of genetic issues)
 

poohy

Active Member
tarynn,

I just wanna encourage you not to feel so guilty about it. All mothers would know how hard a decision it must had been for you. As long as you yourself know that whatever decisions you had made is for the best of the child, and that you will still love him in your heart no matter where he is, then I think you had already done well. Do allow yourself the time to grief but minus the guilt. One day you will see him again and in the meantime, he is in a happier place. *hugz
 

tarynn

Member
Thanks City and Poohy....
City..not easy for you too. But how come yr daughter is only discovered when she is abt 1?
 

grapes

New Member
Hi Tarynn,

I termintated my baby son at 19 weeks about 2 weeks ago, also at TMC. The nurses there are really experienced and caring and that help me with my traumatic experience. I was induced and the baby was still moving when he came out...I was devastated and really heart broken as I could not do anything for him.

When I went home, I cried everyday and night for the 1st week. When my friends and relatives visited me, I would cry too. I even cry when I surfed internet forums. I was better when I was on my second week...now I am on my third week and working, I felt better and was not crying anymore...I still miss my baby....but in my heart.

So time will definitely heal....hugzzz
 

tarynn

Member
Hi November
My termination was on 23/08 when I was at 19 weeks. But my experience at TMC was not so gd. My waterbag burst at ard 8pm plus and I was in great great pain. I told the nurse i am n great pain and my water bag burst but she ignored me. A few min after the water bag burst, i felt my baby coming out. There was actually 2 nurses at the bed next to me but they were behind the curtain as they were attending to the lady beside me. My husband told the nurse the baby may be out. Then one nurse came and without even lifting my blanket to check on me, she told me it is normal and I will continue to feel the pain.She did not bother even to see if the baby is out already or not.We waited for at least 1/2 hr before a nurse came in. When she came in, she actually came in waiting to put another pessary into me (to dilate the cervix ). It was then that she discovered the baby is halfway out already. She wind the head of the bed up and asked me to give a strong push .Then my baby 's head was delivered. My whole bed was covered with lots of blood. This is tramautic for me as I felt the nurses should have a better check on me. I will never go back TMC again dued to this bad experience. My first baby was delivered at MAH and the experience was great. If it is not for the fact the MAH don't do termination, I will surely go to MAH.
 

1pumpkin

New Member
tarynn
My girl was put thru tests aft I got a referral ltr from the polyclinic. I visited KKH every 2 mths since bb born cos girl has regurgitation problem. Raised my concerns/story every visit on y she's behind milestones but was IGNORED/brushed aside.

KKH only bothered to run tests after I expressed my concern n doubts to a polyclinic doc (thus had a referral/doc's handwritten note). They dont trust a mother's instinct n thot I was overly anxious! I was refused detailed test during 1st trimester cos KKH felt unnecessary since I had no family history of genetic abnormailities ... they dont want me to waste their time/resources although I'm the one paying.

I think the reason y the nurses at TMC 'ignored' u when u felt foetus coming out was probably they felt u hv 'taken a life' thus they enjoy seeing u/us suffering or in great pain. Such ppl r what I call unkind. They kept thinking we enjoy murdering our child so felt it is only right that we suffer (they felt happy when so call justice is done). It is over now, u have another child to take care.

u can vist the thread Matters of the Heart/Being SPECIAL to chat - 1 parent of DS and other special needs chat.
 

tarynn

Member
Hi City
I see. I also heard negative feedbacks abt KKH on various aspects. If ever I will be pregnant again, I will choose MAH. Anyway, my gynae has been very reassuring and support my decision. He has been comforting thru all. Sure, I will go and surf the thread u recommended. Thanks!
 

grapes

New Member
Hi Tarynn,

My 1st child was borned in MAH too and he is 3 years plus too. My termination was 13 Aug 07, just 10 days from yours. My experience in MAH was good too, they are really pro breast feeding and are really caring also.

Maybe the nurse at night shift in TMC was better and more experienced, so I felt I was in good hands. When I did my uterus cleaning procedure in the morning, my gynae came to visit me, I cried like nobody business on the operating threater when he comforted me by saying its not my fault..the nurse there comforted me and held my hand to reassure me. My gynae is a church elder, so he could not do the procedure for me, he referred me to his class mate, a gynae also. The whole experience was traumatic but what make it a little less painful for me was my husband support and the professionalism from the nurses and the doctors.

I knew I must trust my gynae but when I came back home from the hospital, I was still in denial that my gynae might be wrong and I have done the wrong thing of killing my own baby...I kept surfing the internet to check what went wrong and how accurate is the amino test. After a week of checking, I finally have to admit that my gynae is right and that the amino test is 100% accurate if the result is positive. If the result is negative, there might be 0.01% that the baby might still be down sydnrome. This does gave me a closure and going to forums where mothers of the same situation helps too. I went to baby centre's forum where there are quite a number of mothers with the same experience. The foreigners are really comforting and they will give u advices and words of comfort.

Tarynn, do grieve for a while but not too long...your girl needs you. My boy's present at home helped me a lot as he made me concentrate my mind on him and divert my mind from thinking of my terminated baby. I told 3 year old boy that his brother has gone to heaven to play with the angels and that one day we can meet him. Do spend more time with your girl and you will definitely feel better as the days goes by.

*hugz*
 

tarynn

Member
Hi November
seem like we have almost the same situation. In fact ever since I got to know my Oscar risk was so high ( 1:28), I have been having sleepless nights. My night will be filled with surfing the website, reading forums after forums etc etc till wee hours. I really hope for a miracle to happen but it did not.
Yes, I agreed the night duty nurses at TMC was really gd. They treat me well, comforted me etc.I went thru D&C procedure at ard 11pm.
Now I am very close to my 3 yrs old daughter . I tried to be busy but i still think of my poor son everyday. tears still flow at times...hear still aches. I have secretly named him Joel and I hope Joel will be a normal, clever, cute baby in his next life.
 

grapes

New Member
Hi Tarynn,

I did not do Oscar test. I did triple test and found that my risk is 1:101, which is quite high risk for my age. I was so worried and my doctor did the amino test the next day. I did my blood test late as my gynae's nurse has forgotten to order the test for me during my 14 weeks..so I did my blood test late about 1 month. My gynae and his nurses reassured me that given my age, my result will turn out ok. The waiting 2 weeks was so worrying but I was hopeful. 2 weeks later, my gynae called me directly and told me the bad news..I was devastated.

Tarynn, please rest well and take alot of tonic to booast your health and strength. From what I have gone through, I can tell you its does get easier as time goes by...I stop crying at every little things after about 2 weeks...now, although I still miss my baby boy, I do not cry anymore. I concentrate my mind on my 3 year old boy.

If you need someone to talk to, do msg me or email me. I connect to msn too. Feel free let out your sorrow..do not bottle them up. I talked to all my close friends and family, though I cried everytime they talked to me about my baby, I felt better after that. Now I can relate my experience without crying my heart out.

Our experience is almost similar...so lets give each other some support...
chin up okie!
 

tarynn

Member
Hi November
Thanks. Been taking tonic and resting well. I did not talk much abt this issue to my friends cos I really dun feel like talking. My gynae told me to rest 3 months before conceiving. My husband dun seem keen in wanting to try again cos he has phobia . As for me, phobia is still there too but i dun mind trying again.
 

grapes

New Member
Hi Tarynn,

My gynae also asked to to wait 3 months before trying but both my hubby and I want to take it slow for a while before trying. Might go for some test and take some vitamins to build up before trying also. Both of us got phobia too, so we will take it slow 1st. I will see my gynae after 1 month, so we will see what he will advise.

I currently in my 3rd week 1 day, my menses is almost cleared up. After this, I think will be waiting for my 1st menses to arrive again before I go back to my gynae to check.

There is a slightly higher chance than normal ladies to get a down sydnrome baby once we have a history case, so for the next pregnancy will be quite stressed..we have to be really prepare mentally and physically before we try again...meanwhile just eat healthily and stay cheerful.
 

grapes

New Member
Hi Tarynn,

My gynae also asked to to wait 3 months before trying but both my hubby and I want to take it slow for a while before trying. Might go for some test and take some vitamins to build up before trying also. Both of us got phobia too, so we will take it slow 1st. I will see my gynae after 1 month, so we will see what he will advise.

I currently in my 3rd week 1 day, my menses is almost cleared up. After this, I think will be waiting for my 1st menses to arrive again before I go back to my gynae to check.

There is a slightly higher chance than normal ladies to get a down sydnrome baby once we have a history case, so for the next pregnancy will be quite stressed..we have to be really prepare mentally and physically before we try again...meanwhile just eat healthily and stay cheerful.
 

aamelia

New Member
Hi Tarynn n november,

I know it seems scary to try for another child now but you will think differently in time to come. What your body needs now is some rest, so do take some herbs and tonics. if you love babies like me then I'm sure u will try again. it will be very trying the first few weeks until u can have the OSCAR or amnio. now when I look at my second kid I know that all the fear and anxiety was worth it.
 

grapes

New Member
Hi amelia,

Thank you so much for the encouragement...your experiences really inspired me to be strong to try for another child. I do want to try for another child for my boy to have a sibling. He has been saying he will have a mei mei next time...I told him that as long as his di di or mei mei is normal and healthy, di di or mei mei is good..


Really hope that Tarynn and me will be as strong as you are. I will keep u posted on my progress.
 

blurfairy

Member
hi ladies,

I went induced procedure last week to terminate my pregnancy. Like what happen to some of you, I was going for my OSCARS test on my 13th week when the ultrasound showed that there are severe abnormalities in the bb development. The news came as a big shock to us. This was my first bb after 1 year plus of trying and i was very happy when i conceived. Still remember i was looking forward to seeing bb on ultrasound in the morning. Few days later (after second opinion from another doc), we decided to go ahead with the procedure and was admitted to hosp to do the MTPT. Now am resting at my mum's place..doing 2 weeks confinement..

There are a lot of why? And how it happen? questions and flashbacks that keep swimming around in your head. It is now still painful to think of the loss and my tears will come whenever i think of my bb. But like what November said, things slowly get better as times goes by. And I find you do feel better after talking to frens who went to miscarriagesso I think forums like this do help cos you realized that you are not alone. Although I have a supportive HB, like what I read in a book, men will always be an observer in miscarriagesbecos of the attachment and bond that a mother has for their child.

Friends always say, try again you are still young (I am 31 btw)but for me, it is not just about trying for 2nd one as I am still feeling the pain for my first one. Like my HB say, the most kelian is the bb.and I think I need a lot of courage to try for 2nd one again.because it will be mentally very stressful to get through the first trimesterI dunno if I can handle if the same thing happen again. So now I just taking one step at a time.get through the confinement first....and think about the rest laterLets give each other encouragement to get through this difficult patch together!
 

grapes

New Member
Hi blurfairy,

Seems like our ages are all really close. We are still consider young, so we do need to take our time and be really ready before we try again.

Now what all of us should do is to rest well and stay healthy.

Now you are still in your 2 weeks confinement, your hormones will still be quite strong, so you will feel weak and will cry at the smallest things. Allow yourself to grieve for a while...you should be feeling better after 2 weeks of rest. After that when you go back to work, you will need to be strong around pregnant ladies and babies. Do prepare yourself so that you will not breakdown when around them. I still feel really envious when I see pregnant ladies and babies...but slowly, I like to be around them..kinda cheer me up when around children and babies.

When we are ready for another baby, let's encourage and support each other. We do need lots of courage to try again. And we need lots of advice and encouragement from Amelia when the time comes..


Hugzs
 

tarynn

Member
Hi blurfairy
seems we are in the same situation...let's support one another. feel free to drop a line here too. We have to support one another. Hugs...
 

bbteng

Member
HI there, we all had the same past experiences of lossing our precious BBs...

AS for me, I lost my twinnies boy on Aug 16 on my week 20, though I was normal and BBs were normal growing too but suddenly my 1st twin's water bag burst...after weeks staying in hospital and still fail to rescue them...they were my preious BBs as I waited for 8 years and it's my 1st pregnancy...

Me and hubby have phobia as well, especially hubby, as he saw me suffering in the ward for weeks...

Anyway, we have to be strong and may keep trying again soon.

My gynae asked me to wait for 3 mths for full recovery. I will see her in Dec.

God bless...
 

tarynn

Member
Hi bbteng
Must be really really very hard for you. Really not easy, esp when u mentioned after 8 yrs some more. By the way, any mummies here who has the same situation went to the temple to 'Chao Du' them?
 

blurfairy

Member
i only thot of going to temple when one of my fren asked about it..but later another fren help me asked her mil who said my bb is still young (abt 13weeks) so maybe dun need to go through the chao du...anyway i personnally also not really keen to do the procedure because i find all those temple procedures quite noisy...i wanted something that is more peaceful and quiet....as i am a free thinker myself, i think i will just do my own personal prayers for bb something which i have been doing...
 

blurfairy

Member
i only thot of going to temple when one of my fren asked about it..but later another fren help me asked her mil who said my bb is still young (abt 13weeks) so maybe dun need to go through the chao du...anyway i personnally also not really keen to do the procedure because i find all those temple procedures quite noisy...i wanted something that is more peaceful and quiet....as i am a free thinker myself, i think i will just do my own personal prayers for bb something which i have been doing...
 

blurfairy

Member
btw...anyone did confinement or mini confinement...i am doing a 2wk confinement...find it really torturous, sign...luckily today rainy weather, quite cooling otherwise really uncomfortable...
 

tarynn

Member
I did not do any confinement at all...
As for the Chao Du, i went to a temple at Geylang yesterday, paid $38 and the people said that on every 1st and 15th of the month, the monks will recite for them. This is will done for 5 yrs, after which the bb will go Tou Tai. How true is it i duno, but i just hope my bb will tou tai fast and be born normally and be a healthy and cute baby.
 

bbteng

Member
Yes Tarynn, my HB managed to go to a Buddhism temple at Geylang - "Ching Ming Shi" to "chao du" our boys few days after I got home. But the "shi fu" told him for BB less than 6 mths no need but if we want also can do. We insist to do for our boys, so to let them go heaven peacefully and may go for their next turn of new lifes.

We paid $100 for the "ling wei" for both our boys, on it written as twins BB for me & HB's name lo...and they will pray for a month and with fresh fruits and flowers. Very peacefully.
 

bbteng

Member
I do 1 month confinement as normal delivery loh since my gynae gave me 60days HL, and my boss asked me to rest well until I feel like go back to work. Actually I started to on HL since July 28 and will be back to work on 1st Nov. Very long leave though...

After back to work, I will be going off to Taipei as company trip 2007 as my boss & colleagues all waiting for me to go together. If not due to my MC, they might wait for me till next year after my confinement....
 


bbteng

Member
Hi blufairy, you may go to the temple I went for my boys...my hb told me it is a very peaceful environment in the temple. And there is simple procedure...like just pray and on very 1st & 15th of the lunar month they will also pray.

You may choose to pay $38 or $100...i think Tarynn may went to same temple as mine?? not sure cos now I cant have the temple address. I m in penang.
 

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