Support Group - Mid Term Termination Of Pregnancy

Hi loveym,

Yes,u have found the right place.it is thru' this forum that i managed to pull myself together.I was previously in the stillbirth thread,but it has since become inactive.i guess everyone has moved on with their lives.I'm glad i chanced upon this thread.

yes,u're not alone.u shouldn't be shy to express ur emotions.this is the best place,coz no one knows who u r! i write things i cannot tell my hubby/friends.

may i ask when u said u lost ur child recently,was it like us,thru's stillbirth? or did something else happen to ur child?

i know wat u mean.maybe we will never recover fr the loss totally.but we will get better with time.someone in the stillbirth thread once said she will rem the day till she dies.same here.i will rem my darling till the day i die,even if i eventually go on to have many kids.it's very tough,but hang in there.u know,till today,whenever i read someone's post like urs,someone new to this thread,i still cry.coz i know how painful it is and how much u r going thru' now.
 


Hi Monster,

You really love your hubby so deep so deep. You feel jealous when it is your hubby's friends having babies. It is actually your husband's ego that you are trying to protect.

Don't think of it as competition. Just think that they are luckier than you only. But your day will come. Have faith in God.

Hi loveym,

Same like you, I've only just started posting in this thread.
Hope you be strong and find strength from other forumer here.
Actually, just to share. I find myself inconsolable while reading a website dedicated to greiving parents. So I stop reading about their stories. Till this day, when I see some web link to some sad stories, I still dare not to click on it.

But I guess, to "talk" to someone in forum probably can help to ease or share your pain a bit. Since you know how each other feel as we are talking on the same page.
 
Hi monster,

i quite understand what u been feeling..it was like that when i was trying to conceive back then..i used to dread when i hear friends or relatives getting pregnant and giving birth and we are expected to attend baby showers, etc..i always felt a need to try harder and beat everyone else but in the end i felt its best to let nature take its course..u will want to have a child because u want to be a mum and not to compete with others..but of course its harder to say than done esp when everyone is shoving baby talk in your face..which is why i tend to keep a low profile even with a child now as i always remember how it used to feel..just try to be optimistic of the future and dun let them dishearten you, u will have your turn very soon :0)

hi kel, glad u are feeling better..i hope u been coping well and that your spirits are up! it is always tough initially but i know that you are stronger than you believe. it is alright to think about the past once in awhile..even for me, i can never totally forget and people always say, u have have a child now..u should think of happy times..but i feel it is important to remember about the trials and difficulties we used to suffer so that we can learn to treasure the future and appreciate those around us more. so just be yourself and do things that make you happy like facials or short trips, anything to make you feel fresher..
 
hi monster
thanks for ur mesg. My bb was borned very prematured (half way mark of preg) and managed to survive for a few mths only. I am not sure if you carried your child till full term and what caused ur stillbirths? i spent most of time seeing him in hospital but eventually he was called home by God. It is heartwrenching losing a loved one what is more a baby, so pure and innnocent. It hurts me more coz i had a few mths bonding with him, seeing him, feeling him, loving and caring for him. I certainly feel sad and grief over the loss. Tears could not help flowing as I am typing this. People keep telling me that God has a purpose and eventually he will give us a better one in return. We all love our child and just remember that eventually we will meet them in heaven when the time comes.
I keep photos of my lovely boy and each time i see him, i cant help but the feeling of loving and missing him so much...sob
not sure if anyone here delivered via c-section? and it takes how long for the wound to heal before trying to conceive again? i am very scared to try again.

Hi SMW, thanks for your comforting words. May I know if urs a stillbirth or? Are you trying to conceive again? i know it is very painful to read the stories, by reading we know that there are mothers who walked thru the journey like us and hope we find some comfort.
 
Dear Mon Mon
big big hug to you. Did you have a good confinement? If you feel uncomfortable to let others know about it, why not u just
tell them that u r feeling unwell?
I just can't stand others talking behind my back about the incident though it's inevitable especially working in a big co.Until now I felt dreadful to face them everyday. I have thought of resigning everyday.
I can understand how u feel about the date, I kept thinking about Sep too. Another 1.5mth,
it will be my EDD date, I dont dare to click into the Sep mummies thread which I used to participate in.
It's v heartbreaking to think that their bb will be due soon while I lost mine. Somehow when I
see preggy ladies, I was thinking that if I never lose my bb, my tummy will be as big as them too.
Talking about travelling while in BKK, I saw a preggy woman begging on the street, some bring a few young children out
on the hot and dirty MBK street begging, some children were also seen begging on the streets by themselves instead of
going to school. It seem that there were some sort of begging syndicate. I've never seen such a sight before!

I can understand hw u feel about the "competition" . They might have low self-esteem or inferiority complex hence they kept seeking assurance by trying to stay on par or even outdo their peers??
Don't waste time mingling around with those u feel uncomfortable with. They will only add on to ur misery.

I do not wish to stay here and face all sort of pressure. I hope to forget about everything and lead a carefree life in Taiwan.
Perhaps I will plan for a 2nd bb over there.If work is very stressful, I don't think it's a good
good to conceive.

Dear Mon Mon, I am feeling how u feel as well. I can never reveal these thoughts to anybody
including my hb. I've never been truly happy after my mc but in front of everybody, I have to pretend
that nothing has happened and stay happy and cheerful.
Perhaps moving over to AU is a good idea. At least u can plan to ttc in a refreshing environment.
Have a good discussion with ur hb, who knows with both of your professionalism, you might reach a greater
height in ur career?

Dear loveym
You can share with your tots with us better to bottom up your feelings. The girls have encountered
the pain that u been through.
 
Hi loveym,

You know I really can't bring myself to read other's stories. You know there's a website created as a support group for grieving parents. They posted stories and even pics of their lovely boy/girl. So the more I read, the more I cried and the more miserable I felt.

Instead of finding strength to move on, I find myself dwelling deeper into misery and sadness. If I cried too much, I think my husband will said I need psychiatrist help again.

So now I just stop visiting such website.

Actually, I'm not a good at words. Instead of comforting people, I agitate people. (really, my husband always ask me to stop consoling him) :)

yes, my baby left me while in my womb 3 years ago. I had a baby after that. Now close shop already.
 
hi SWM,

Wow,I like the way u analysed my feelings.that's a very good way of looking at it,which i have never tot of.

Ecobaby,

I really feel like u,u know? to keep a low profile.I think only ppl who are in our shoes can truely do it.when i 1st got preg,i was so proud of my bulging tummy.who wouldn't,right? esp since my hubby took such good care of me and i was a princess when i was preg.like u,now,i'm very sensitive abt talking to ppl abt pregnancies and asking them abt their babies.juz that day,i saw a patient who was recorded as preg (a few mths,can't rem exactly) less than 6 mths ago,but when she saw me for a check up,her tummy was all flat.i didn't ask,i juz took it that she had a miscarriage.i also told myself i will not allow my child to mix ard with my hubby's child.some ppl may think if i have a child eventually and my child doesn't mix ard,my child will have no friends.but i think there are other way of finding friends for ur child.ur child can make friends in sch,in extra activities they go for etc.and i want to keep a low profile for my future child.i was juz thinking in the car by myself juz now...if i get preg again,i think i want to keep it to myself until my tummy shows.don't even tell my hubby.alternatively,i want to go hide somewhere until the child is born.but that also means i will be w/o hubby support.u read down and then u know y i'm thinking like that.

HI LoveyM,

*HUGS* wow,u have been thru' a lot more than me.seeing ur baby born,having that hope coz ur baby was born.and the worse part,i think,is to have a death cert done for ur baby.when i had the stillbirth,the stupid nurse told me must do death cert.it tore my hubby and me apart,coz both of us couldn't bear to do it.in the end,we made a decision to get my cousin to do it.but that was all wrong info the stupid nurse gave.it was a relief not having to do it.when i read ur post,i cried too.coz i can feel ur pain,ur loss,ur disappointment,ur life plan tore apart.i carried my child to 29wks.i was already mentally preparing myself for the birth,but definitely not stillbirth.

SeR dar,

If I move to oz,it will be me moving alone.u read wat i'm going to write later and u'll understand.

Ladies,

I confess i've been a mess these couple of days.i don't know y,but this wave of 'bad days' juz started like that,with no reason/trigger.today,i had even more shocking revelation.well,all of u know i don't get along with my in laws.hubby and i were talking abt my in laws today and we always come back to the same thing.i'm prejudiced against them.that's wat he thinks.then it goes ard in circle,how i'm so petty,how i always feel there is 'competition' amongst us and his friends etc.then he said something.he said his friends now don't call him out in fear of upsetting me.i told him many times he can go out with his friends and their families.young families some more.i told him if he can bear the pain,y not? but i can't bear the pain,so i won't put myself thru' it.but that also means i'm losing some friends.that's y i'm wanting to make friends with u gals who can understand wat i've gone thru'.i'm not saying we get together as a group and dwell in our sorrows,but at least we don't say insensitive things to each other,even less likely that we will give away preg test kit to each other (like wat his friend did to us).coz we know how sensitive our healing souls are.and this is the BEST PART! he said his friends knew they made a mistake when they invited me for a kiddy b'day party juz a few mths after the stillbirth. WTF????? it doesn't take a genuis to know that! even a person with 1/2 a pig brain will think of it.i prob wore my emotions on my sleeve,and they saw my expression.of course! do u expect me to be happy for the b'day little girl? when i juz lost my girl?i went there coz my hubby said if i didn't go there,it meant i wasn't ready to conceive again coz i haven't recovered.i don't know wat sort of warped theory that is.but at that time,i really wanted to try again,so i put myself thru' all that pain.i should have stood up for myself then,rather than put myself thru' so much in one afternoon.so his friends have stopped inviting us to all these events,coz they realised they made a mistake.again,WTF??? like i said,it's SOOOO common sense,right? his friends make themselves sound so nobel.they even try not to put photos of their kids up on facebook in fear of upsetting me.WTF again! i still see the photos all the time.and they even give me preg test kit.wat nonsense,right? i'm so angry.

after i had the talk with hubby,it's a good thing i didn't have to see hubby for the whole afternoon,as i had post grad lessons to attend.i can imagine how explosive i will be if i spent the arvo with him.and i totally lost it.on the way to uni,i cried while driving.when i reached uni and went to the toilet,sitting on the toilet bowl,looking at the bleeding i'm having fr the D&C,i cried my heart out again.and i said to god,if he sees me in this state now,i hope he bless me with many children.this whole conversation i had with my hubby really weighed so heavily on my mind.and when i drove home,i cried again.u know,my hubby doesn't want to hear the name of our lost baby mentioned again.he said that will be memories.i wanted to ask him if he will never mention his mum again (his mum has passed on),coz it should be confined to memory.my baby did exist! maybe he's more detached coz he's not the one carrying the baby.he's not the one caring for the baby in the womb.i feel so upset now.all those nonsense abt his friends 'caring' so much abt me.well,action speaks louder than words,right? if u care,u will never give someone in our shoes a preg test kit/an O kit that u don't need anymore coz ur wife got preg.

i'm really thinking of giving up this rlnshp.very silly,some may say.but i'm so upset with my hubby,and the way he's 'helping' me cope.he will never throw his arm ard me to console me on this matter.he juz keeps saying how bad my progress is.i feel like moving back to my mum's for a while.but i love my own house.i've lived overseas for so long,i need my own space.the 2 yrs of living back home with my mum was really testing.f i want to be alone,the other alternative is to kick my hubby out of the house and get him to move back with his dad.but his dad is a funny character,and i don't want my hubby to be influenced by his stupid dad.so i have no choice.i guess i'll juz try to lead my own life.guess for these few days,and the wk leading up to the 1st anniversary of my darling girl,it's best to avoid conversation with my hubby,least we get into a quarrel
 
Oh SWM,

I forgot to add.my hubby also tot i was crazy,wanted me to c a pyschiatrist.that adds to the pain.actually,all i need is consolation fr him.i have walked this trecherous path all by myself this yr.i tot he was with me at 1 point in time,but after wat he said today,i think i was dellusioned.
 
Don't know why, men expect women to pick up the pieces and move on quickly. My husband wanted me to seek professional help when he see me still grief after 1 month plus. I was thinking how on earth can we overcome our grief in one to two months time. I felt he wasn't supportive but he said he is as painful as well. Men & women grief differently. Maybe your husband don't want you to mention your baby's name as he hopes that you can move on better. I don't think he don't miss your baby. He probably trying to act strong in front of you, knowing that you are more hurt than him.

Btw, I don't expect people around to be sensitive towards this topic. Who on earth would care how you feel 6 months down the road. They probably don't remember you had just lost something precious. 6 months to them is super long already. They had never lost anything, how would they know the pain is so deeply rooted.

I can't control others actions & words. I just choose to ignore or listen. At times, people casually talk about miscarriage, I can't run away. I just keep quiet and listen. If they are sensitive enough, they will change topic after a while.

But I've learnt to accept that most people are not sensitive.
 
Hi Ser - thanks for your support. it is thru sharing that we ladies understand what is the feelings like.

Hi swm - i know it is very hurt to read those stories of parents losing their child/children.
The more we read, the more we felt for them.
btw, if u think about it, when reading such stories, we find comfort as we walked through the journey not alone but others had also gone thru what we had gone thru. if you dun mind, can you share the website?

Hi mon - sorry to hear abt your loss. Btw, you mentioned u prepared for the birth and what happened then? I tried to PM you but your a/c is not activated. i certainly understand your feelings. Sometimes I just try to pick myself up again tho it is hard. My own health also seems abit worn out recently and for the first time yesterday and today, I had bad gastric pain. Then I think again, I must take care of my health now in order to move on and to try again.

As as swm said, men are abit different as they arent the ones carrying the child. Furthermore, men tend to recover faster from a grief and to them, life still needs to go on. My hubby also advised me to learn to move on. I know is not easy for us as when we try to move on, the thoughts keep coming back.
I would really want to advise you to keep your rship. It is not worth it to walk in separate ways for what already had happened and past. The more you need each other to support. You may not know deep in your husband's heart, he may still feel the pain, but he may not express it out.
Women and men tend to express feelings in different ways. We women cry alot. When they see us cry, they thought what is wrong with us.
It has been almost a year, I sincerely think you should look forward and to build up ur rship wif ur hubby. It is even more painful if both of you walk in separate ways. Maybe is good to find the right time to talk about how u feel about him not giving u enough support and how you would like him to support you. You may not know it may turn out better. Just would like to share that when seeing a psychiatrist doesnt mean we are mad. I heard of a mother who had post-natal blue also needed psychiatrist help to get her to cope with handling her baby. Sometimes may not be a psychiatrist perhaps some counselling from social worker. The hospital staff even asked me if i need any such help not coz they think am mad but more of emotional support.
Support group here is also a good way to provide you with emotional support.
One way to console ourselves is that we dont walk in this darkness alone but many others walked with us. I try to keep telling myself that. I know is not easy but we just need to learn. People around us need us, our parents, our husbands, our siblings, and loved ones.
PM me if need to vent and share.
 
Hi SWM,

u sound like my twin! haha sounds like something i will say.yes,it's only us who rem our beloved babies 1,2,3...10 yrs down the rd.others prob cannot understand y we can grieve so long.

my hubby expected me to heal with the snap of a finger.whenever he mentions abt our baby/the stillbirth,tears will inadvetably flow down my cheeks,and to him,it's unacceptable.i don't understand y.
 
Hi loveym,

huh? my PM inactive? okie,i shall c if i can activate it.

i was preparing myself mentally for the birth,coz we all know that birth can occur anytime fr 7 mths on.during the 1st trimester,i concentrated a lot on nutrition,then 2nd trimester,i tried to get as much rest as i could.i was very happy to have made it safely thru' 2nd trimester.then IT happened.

my health did suffer a little too.i guess if u're mentally stressed,ur body shows ur stress too.i fell sick for the 1st time in 7 mths after the stillbirth.then i feel sick a couple more times.my gynae was so afraid i'll get depressed,she spoke to my hubby abt it.but i wondered how much of it sunk into my hubby.she also arranged for a counsellor to speak to me.sometimes i wonder if i need pyschiatric help.but i'm usually okie once i have a good sleep.i always tell myself i've been thru' the worse,tom will always be a better day.but i guess this is a 'wave' of bad days for me.i havent' had bad days for a while already.i'm not beating myself up for having bad days.i think it's normal.i juz need more support.

yes,all of u r right.my hubby is prob grieving as well.maybe not as much as me,but also grieving,esp since 'D Day' is drawing near.these days,i'm juz leaving him alone to give him some space.we cannot talk abt this issue together,coz we r both too strong headed and neither of us will give in to each other.we always end up quarrelling.even such a simple matter of ttc,we end up quarrelling heaps too.anyone would have tot we will both be eager to try again,but we did have a lot of issues when we tried for no.2.hopefully no.3 will be easier
 
Hi mon
u online very often ya. nice to hear from u.
U can actually active your PM by editing your profile. I just checked mine and noticed the PM was deactivated.
Btw, may I know who was your dr in KKH for your child? are u seeing another dr now?
guess these few days i need more rest and the gastric pain was very bad earlier.
may I know what is ttc? for 2 strong headed person, it is good to sometimes give in ourselves to make things better. I know is not easy but may get better than into quarrel mood.
Try to give urself time to think thru and is impt to draw close with ur hubby and try to talk over how u like to remember ur gal and come to a decision that suits both of you.
 
Hi loveym,

Yes,now after the m/c,i certainly have more energy to stay up later.haha.when i was preg with no.2,and no.1 as well,was extremely tired.guess that's my body's way of telling myself not to push myself too hard.

my gynae in KKH was Dr.Shamini Nair.She is a friend of my collegue,and my cousin knows her too.I am currently seeing A/Prof Mary Rauff at NUH (for preg no.2 and while trying to conceive no.2).ttc = trying to conceive.

my hubby's way of getting over it is don't ever mention it and sweep it under the carpet.and he thinks i should do the same.he wants no memory of our darling.all memories should be kept in the head and to one self.
 
Hi girls

Find something to share:

The Grief of My Man

There are no words to ease his pain.
He has that look in his eyes again.
He travels on down that lonely road.
It sure has been a heavy load.

The pain does not ease. The tears do not flow.
He keeps it inside. That is all that he knows.
He stands all alone, so proud and so strong.
Inside he is broken. This trip has been long.

His knees never bend. His back never breaks.
But deep doewn inside, oh how his heart aches.
He counts all the days. He dreads all the nights.
Try as he may, he can never make it right.

He keeps on going, from one day to the next,
Finding the good, and leaving the rest.
He tries not to question God's life plan.
But, still I can feel the grief of my man.

Just Those Few Weeks


For those few eeks-
I had you to myself.
And that seems to short of time
To be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks-
I came to know you...
And to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks-
When i lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few eeks-
It wasn't enough time to convince others
How special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
And no one is mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks-
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny, unfinished baby,
Or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?

You were just those few weeks my little one
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
To touch my life so deeply-
And give me a small glimpse of eternity.
 
Dear ladies,

All your pains and words really echoed what i have been feeling all these years. No one who has ever been in our shoes will actually understand what we had been through even though you kept hearing words like, ' i understand how you feel, i'm a mother too'.
I used to get really upset and angry when i heard all those supposedly comforting words. To me they were really b'shit as time have proven. As i found out people can tell you that they understand your situation but in actual fact, this may not be true (as time passed their actions will reveal their true self). But i have picked myself up and learned to tell myself to ignore all these people.
Please do not think that your hubby is not sad or less affected than any of us ladies. They are human too but the way men grieve really differ from us.
The loss of my baby boy make me a change person...nowaday I still visit him at his resting place, i still buy him gifts when i travel and there is a shelf where i kept his pictures and belongings just so that i can feel his presence whenever i want.
I do have another child now but to me, he is forever my son until the end of my time.

SWM, reading others' losses do help me cope during my difficult period. Do not be scare to cry as our heart can only be burdened so much...
 
I just don't know. My tears just flow when I read their stories and it just bring back all memories.

Maybe I'm controlling my grief all these while. I thought of joining the support group gathering. Then I probably just cry and cry there. How beneficial can it be to my healing process ? I wondered.

Also, the fact that to cry in front of other people is such a no no, esp for people who is very reserved.

Nowadays, I can only cry when my husband/children are sleeping. But it's not that often already.

My healing process is different from others.
 
SWM,

There is no right or wrong way to grief, everybody grieve differently. Just be yourself, that's all that matter. Also take as long as you want, there is no time limit for any grieving process.
We will never forget our loss, even in many more years to come i will still be wondering what if he is still around, how does he looks like and how is he like or....so there will be neverending what if.......

Do take good care....
 
hi mon - hope u r ok. tx for telling me wat ttc is. heard prof mary is good. guess u made the right choice.
hi swm - thanks for sharing the link. I just read a story of a 4 yr lovely boy who drowned. The poem written by the mom was so touching and tears just could not help flowing reading the story. i could feel the grief the parents go thru. It is never the same before. I dare not open the rest of the stories as my heart really goes out to them. Some said time will heal but i think as mothers we will never forget our own child.
hi sticky - guess u had been reading the posts and hearing our pains. glad u are back with us. do share your feelings and your thots with us. we are here to support each other. sometimes we try to put up a brave face but deep inside us, a deep cut has pierced thru us and the memories always in us. i am thinking of even writing up a story for my beloved son when the right is right. the journey, the hope, the love i have for him will never end.
 
Hi Monster,

Just for sharing...something i read from a website. Normally after a termination of a pregnancy, the man will not express his grieve as he's needed to be the pillar of support for his wife. When his wife finally picks up, the man starts his grieving journey. Perhaps your husband just feels that agitated co's he's been holding on his grief for too long...so probably that's why he said those hurtful things. And man's ego, dun grieve infront of others, sometimes including his wife.

Almost 1 month since that fateful day, i dun see my husband expressing any form of grief. His life goes on as usual, like nothing really happened.

For me, i do find myself getting more good days ... but things around me seemed to be very blur. I find that i'm extremely forgetful and dun pay much attention to what's happening around me. Anyone felt like that before?

Loveym, so sad to hear your story. Do take good care of your body now.
 
Hi loveym,

Yes,Prof Mary Rauff is gd.she has been recommended by a few docs.When i had the growth restriction fr wk 7,i asked her if she was worried.she looked at me and said yes.that was when i knew the outcome of this preg may not be favourable.Docs these days are very gd at predicting outcomes.coz i do the same for my patients.to my hubby,that comment didn't have an impact.but to me,it had a big impact.if my gynae is worried,i should be worried to.to a certain extent,i felt relieved when this preg was over,coz otherwise,i'll worry until the day i give birth.worry abt growth restriction in the 1st trimester,then worry abt a stillbirth.i will prob go mad.

Kel,

How have u been? I'm very glad that u r having more good days than bad.ur recovery is quite fast.i have to say,a couple of girls here are very good.u,chewy,SeR...all of u seem to be on the rd to recovery faster than me.for the whole mth i did confinement,i had a bad day everyday.so kudos to u for making such progress.u should give urself a pat on ur back.I think wat u described abt ur hubby is EXACTLY the same as mine.i feel a bit jealous of my hubby,coz while i was all drugged out fr the gas (dizzy dizzy coz i took such huge breaths of the gas.haha.i was an addict,but the pain was so much),my hubby had the chance of juz quietly looking at our little girl,studying all her details.i know i held my girl in my arm,but the memory is so vague.i wished i could have held her longer,but even then,so wat? she is not alive.i think all of u are right.my hubby is also grieving,but it's the ego that's preventing him fr expressing/sharing his grief.i'm very vocal,and i will even tell him.but he's not so vocal.he also went abt his daily life after the stillbirth,like nothing happened.but thru' the things he said this time,i knew how much he wanted a child.and i know we will give our future children the best we can give.

Ladies,

I met up with a close friend today.and i shared the conversation i had with my hubby with this friend.her 1st reaction was,"but the damage has already been done".that was to the reaction that my hubby's friend realised they made a mistake by inviting us to a kiddy's b'day party a few mths after the stillbirth.did they actually expect us to feel normal? my friend,who is not even married,can say such a thing.wat does it say abt my hubby's friend.i tot i reacted adversely.there was 1 point in time when i tot the prob was with me.but my friend reassured me my reaction is normal.and my friend told me sometimes she doesn't know wat to say in front of me (wrt to having kids/the stillbirth/miscarriage).that's actually a very normal reaction not to know wat to say.so she doesn't mention those things.maybe i should juz mix ard ppl who can help me heal,rather than ppl who destroy my soul.

For now,i juz want to look fwd for my hubby's sake.to a certain extent,it's him who keeps me going.
 
Hi ladies,

How's everyone? Hmm...Rem wat i said abt my conversation with my hubby? he said his friends knew they made a mistake when they saw how i reacted when i attended a kiddy's b'day party a few mths after the stillbirth.since then,they have been trying to 'protect' me.his friends have since avoided putting up photos of their kids on facebook.

I SAY ALL THIS IS BULLSHIT! i can't believe my hubby actually believe wat his friends say.today,i saw 2 of them putting up photos on facebook of them and the kids.i don't blame them for wanting to 'show off' their kids.afterall,which parent wouldn't want to? if i have a child,i'm sure my hubby's facebook will be filled with photos of the child.but if they don't really mean wat they say,then don't tell my hubby to pacify him/make him happy/make me seem like a bitch.makes me seem like the petty little bitch who is stopping my hubby fr going out with his friends and their families coz i cannot stand the sight of their kids.u know wat i mean? i hae always encouraged my hubby to still go out with them,but w/o me,coz i really don't want to spoil my day coz i get upset.sigh...there are such idiots on earth.and sometimes i feel so unfair.these idiots are blessed with kids after kids.
 
Monster,

I've been bz to keep my mind off the event. Just earlier, i saw photos of my ex colleague's new born....and suddenly i felt so sad.
sad.gif
When i looked at the photos, i felt like crying .... how nice it must have been to carry the babies. Tomorrow will be my babies one month annivesary. This one month felt so long....
Just like you, i carried my children in my arms but it seemed so short. Never enough. Now i can just look at their photos.
I think ur husband is trying to make u feel better by saying his friends r not puttin photos of their kids on facebook. Don't be too bothered with his comment...it only makes you feel worse. Even if u see it, throw that sight away...else it will only make u upset. Since we can't control what people want to put online, we just avoid it and be happier.
 
Hi Kel,

In my opinion,don't have to force urself to c other ppl's baby.don't have to be nice to them.I think ur emotional healing is more impt than anything.I always tell myself that my own healing is the most impt,so i will juz tell ppl i'm not going for this and for that baby related stuff.i didn't even apologise.Kudos to u for getting so far.1 mth may not be significant to people in general,but i think u should give uself a pat on the back for making it thru' the past 30 days.must have been tough.the walk to seeing light at the end of the tunnel has juz started.it's going to be a long,trecherous,unknown path,but trust me,u will make it out of it,like me.strange that i'm telling u u don't have to see other ppl's baby's photo,and u're consoling me with the same words i'm saying to u.hehe...

Ladies,

D-day juz passed.I MADE IT! i was really cranky the wk leading up to the 1st anniversary.i didn't do anything for my daughter,coz my hubby doesn't want to,so i juz told him i'm going to need him to hold my hand to get thru' that day,coz i'm unsure if i'm mentally strong enough to do it alone.but i did it.it was juz like any other day.maybe that day happened to be a bz day for me.juz like 1 yr ago,to the extent that i failed to notice the baby not kicking.i went to work in the morn,had to run some errands in the afternoon,at night,had to attend a dinner coz it was one of my collegue's last day at work.I knew i have more or less recovered (though i still get a few bad days) when i felt really excited abt going for hols,and i really made an effort to dress up to go for that dinner on D-day.

did u gals read the article on stillbirth in Mind Your Body on 30July? I was telling chewy it's so ironic.that's the day my daughter was born.the reporter fr straits time got my contact fr the forum and approached me to do the article.i said yes,but no names to be used.but on the day of the interview,i had to do my D&C,so i had to turn her down last min.wondered if she approached anyone else in this forum.I did tear a bit (at work some more! can u believe it?!) when i read the article.i saw the ad abt the article the day b4 (Wed),and i told my hubby it's so ironic.it's like they are running it in memory of my little girl.well,i treat it as they are.my little girl must feel so special.haha.but i was surprised the article was quite brief.i tot it would have been the cover story,but it wasn't.

Time really flies,it's been 1 yr.the past 1 yr was a blur for me.the whole yr was abt trying to get preg.i'm glad i didn't defer my post grad coz i got preg with no.2.coz now that i lost no.2,i still have something to focus on.and it's a really good,positive distraction.i was so tired and kept throwing up like crazy with no.2.but i told myself to go on for a bit longer with the studies.and i did it.i'm quite proud of myself for the progress i have made this past 1 yr.
 
hi kel
possible to activate your PM? or u can PM me? wld like to share with u. tx

hi ladies
i read the article on Thu. guess they must have gotten permission to show the photos. wonder are these recent babies too.
The babies are so adorable, they are like sleeping only. I know parents will grief over the loss, but the article also mentioned that
healing takes time. Do try to tell ourselves to learn how to heal, take care of ourselves and the people around us. I have been telling that to myself and it does work progressively. if we keep dwelling the past, it will affect our health. It cant deny that we will still think occasionally but very important is to know that we walk thru the journey not alone, in fact the mortality rate in over less developed countries were higher. count our blessings everyday and make each day a brand new day. there is love, there is hope.
 
HI loveym,

I read a particular line in that article which made my heart ached even more.it was mentioned that stillbirth rate in developed countries like s'pore is very low coz of good antenatal care.my eyes juz rolled.i even had a scan 1 wk prior to the stillbirth.detailed scan some more,and everything was fine.it's like blaming the level of antenatal care for stillbirth,which to me,is only true to a certain extent.i think all of us got excellent antenatal care,but y did it still happen?
 
hi mon
i think the article says the 40% causes of such cases were still unknown...
not sure will a post-mortem be done to find out the cause? some i heard was due to umbilio cord tangled around. Did u have a chance to speak wif your doctor abt the cause... i heard from some friends that they didnt have an answer to it.
 
Yah, mine was the 40% of cases with unknown reasons which makes it harder for us to do anything this time. We can only continue to wish for the best.

The gynae asked if we wanted to do the post mortem but most likely we can't find any explanations for my case, so we decided not to. It was already unbearable to see him (I didn't have the courage to hold him like you guys), and how can we bear to allow him to go through all the investigations during the post mortem!

Sometimes I'll still ask myself why are we one of the 100-120 cases each year...but I know I'll never get an answer.
 
hi lucky
yea, understand what you mean by having a small baby to go thru post-mortem. I couldnt imagine to cut open to check on the internal organs etc.
i may not have followed your previous tread. if u can to share your experience via email? i wanted to PM u but is not activated. some qns prefer to pm to respect your privacy.
 
Hi loveym,

Yes,most of the stillbirths fall into the unknown category.my hubby was very keen on the post mortem,so we did one.to me,i knew it was quite unlikely that we will get an answer.but since the post mortem gave him some 'closure' and comfort,we went ahead on it.it wasn't all that bad.i saw my baby after the post mortem,and she was still so serene.of course u c the cut on her body,but i'm a dentist,and as an undergrad,we have sawed thru' skull,done surgeries etc,so that didn't bother me.didn't bother my hubby too.the post mortem was the most ex part of our bill.i think it cost 1K or close to 2K+.

lucky3,

how are u getting on with ur current preg? going well,i hope.

Ladies,

I had my uterine septum ressected yesterday.I was so gungho.i juz wanted it done ASAP so i can try again.I'm leaving for cebu this fri for a short hol.i even worked yesterday morn,then went to the hospital by myself.even the nurse asked me how come i'm by myself.to me,it's a minor surgery,no big deal.i had to go in to work coz i was still clearing my patient load fr 2 wks ago when i had the D&C and was on MC.and my hubby juz came in b/w work.fortunately he works close by.coz i told him no point he sits there while i'm in the OT.I WAS WRONG! i'm admitting defeat this time.it definitely was a minor sugery,but it is painful.i had a diagnostic laproscopy done too.though the doc said keyhole surgery little pain,i think it's in comparison to the conventional surgery where the cut is bigger.when i came out fr the OT,i was shivering coz it was so cold,and when my body shivered,my belly button vibrated too,and the wound was so painful tears rolled down my cheeks.recovery fr GA was also slower than the D&C coz D&C is really juz abt 15-20 mins.this time,i was totally drowsy,felt like vomitting,and couldn't really stand up w/o help.until today,i still feel dizzy when i stand up.i'm usually quite good with pain,but i decided to take my painkillers regularly at least for the next couple of days to prevent the onset of pain so i can go abt my daily life.too bad,i don't get much rest coz i have a full day of lecture tom,i'm back to work on thurs.i tot i can manage! no choice,i have a big case on thurs,so i really need to go in for that 1/2 day.i wished i was less gungho.haha.now i'm thinking,everytime the doc cut u up,no matter how small,it's still an incision and the laproscope still has to go thru' all the layers of tissue,so there will still be some degree of pain.the ressection thru' the vaginal is not painful at all.juz slight sensation when i pee,that's all.

okie,i'm going to rest now.need to maximise my rest coz i need to recover in a couple of days.i'm pressing on...
 
hi mon
Kudos, u r a strong lady. Can go for surgery by yourself. Do take care and you really need to rest more post surgery. Try to minimise walking.
Hope you recover fast before going for your holiday.
 
It's very heart aching reading the posts.

After 12 years of marraige, i got pregnant, my first pregnancy.

I experienced bleeding in my 11th weeks but I managed to pull through and saved the pregnancy. Today I went for my 20 weeks scan, they detected defect on the lower spinal cord of my baby which might affect baby brain or cause lower body to be paralysis. I was given a choice whether to continue or terminate the pregnancy. I was devastated and lost. My hubby was with me and a great support. I asked for a re-scan this friday, and if still given the same outcome, I will admit to Kandang Kerbau Hospital and proceed with the abortion

To terminate a pregnancy at 2nd trimester, I have to be induced, go through the labour pain, do a D&C to clean up the womb. (My tears are falling, baby is kicking me while I am typing this it's painful but I really wanna talk)

We came home, my hubby finally broke down too, we hugged each other and cried. This is so tough and so painful.

Will a miracle happen or will this marks the end of my pregnancy...
 
Hi, sorry to hear about the news. I know how are you feeling now. Good you have asked for a re-scan. I didnt know they can even detect defect on spinal cord thru ultrasound scan. Why dont you wait for the scan again this Fri and decide subsequently? Hope for the best ok and do pray.
Do pm me if you need listening ears.
 
Hi Shiseru,

*hugs* my heart goes out to u.i can imagine ur joy of being preg,only to be dashed.i hear fr another thread in this forum abt really detailed scan with this indian doc at camden medical.i can't give u the name off hand though.u may want to check in the yellow pages.

it's a very difficult decision,certainly.at least with me,it was stillbirth,no choice.baby was not alive anymore.have u considered being scanned at another hospital? which gynae are u with? i can recommend my gynae (prof Mary rauff fr NUH).she's very caring,compassionate,a very good gynae highly recommended by doctors themselves.the motherly way she stroked my cheeks,asking me if i'm okie,b4 my D&C,sent tears down my cheeks.she cares! get a 2nd opinion,that's the best.if 2 gynaes say the same thing,then it must be the truth,then u make a decision.

u have us with u.do come and write more often.we will give u good moral support.i know it's a very difficult time.but u have to ask urself if going thru' full term and having the baby will cause the baby more agony in life,and if the preg will really go to term with a viable baby.sometimes in this case,the body terminates the preg by itself,and it results in a stillbirth
 
Hi ladies,

Everyone has been a bit quiet.how has everyone been? I need to vent my anger today.

Somehow,hubby and I had the 'baby talk' again in the car this morn.all his friend's wives are preggie.such a bugger.he says i'm sensitive coz i don't wanna hang ard them.he says i'm jealous,yaddah yaddah yaddah.i think i've repeated the story many times already.we always have the same quarrel,but no resolution.then he said,"I love kids".those 3 words broke my heart.i think only a person who have gone thru' wat we have gone thru' can truely understand wat i'm saying.i don't feel guilty,but i feel sad i'm not able to provide him with many bouncy kids,and the fear of the next preg being unsuccessful is always there.the more failed pregnancies,the more i fear.and i think this fear is justifiable,coz we have all gone thru' a stillbirth.it's a late loss.but i don't know wat to do.on my part,i have already gone thru' a surgery (damn painful 1st 2 days),and i had no one to depend on but myself.hubby seems so indifferent.i ovulate regularly.i think i may go straight for IVF this time.at most,it's money lost.and i'm going for TCM,hopefully it will help.i think every time we find out his friend's wife is preg or gave birth,it triggers insanity in me.it's not so bad if it's my friend/family.strange.but i really need mental strength to get thru' this.physical pain is nothing.the surgery was painful,but only for less than 1 wk.nothing painkillers cannot deal wtih.but it's the emotional and mental anguish that no drugs can cure.it's a mind game,really....
 
Monster

I am sure all ladies here can understand your frustration. It is not as if we don't want kids and we are trying our best dealing with the loss and conceiving again. Sometimes I think we are very courageous actually, especially you! I don't think I can go through all the physical pain you are going through and going to the hospital for procedures on your own!

Next week will be his first anniversary but I don't know how I will handle it. I don't think hubby will remember (he can't even remember his own BD) and I don't wish to remind him as he will only feel sad again. It has also been very tough on him going through these together. Maybe it's better for guys to just not remember dates!

This little one is moving in me so often and I can feel the difference with the previous time. He even kicked his Daddy so hard yesterday night when talking to him and placing his hand on my tummy. Tears almost rolled down my cheeks, for joy but at the same time missing him as he never did so even when he was around.

I just hope that he'll be healthy. Yes, we can do it!
 
Hi lucky3,

Wow,u can feel the difference with this baby? i rem my baby was kicking so much.at that time,1 of hubby's friend's wife also preg,he asked if her baby kicked so much,she said no.so in some sense,i was consoled my baby was kicking so much.

I made it pass my 1st annivesary.it was very difficult.i'm sure ur hubby remembers.it's something that has impacted so deeply on ur lives.i wished my hubby can appreciate the significance of the day,but he chose not to rem it.or rather pretend.

aiyoh...wait till u give birth...i think u will cry ur heart out.i understand wat u mean.sometimes when i think of juz holding a baby of my own in my arms,tears will also roll down my cheeks.

i'm thinking of going for IVF.coz i think with my hubby's sperm quality,at least IVF has a higher chance.but i don't know if i'm mentally strong enough to go thru' that.the worse is get preg,but lose baby.it's going to be difficult persuading my hubby though,coz now that he has gotten me preg for 2nd time,he thinks he's a stud,nothing wrong with him.
 
Hello ladies,

how's everyone doing? this thread has been quite quiet for a while.juz wanna share something.

I was watching Farenhait 911 a few days ago.it's a documentary on the Iraq war.in it,there was a fam who lost a son.it showed the mother crying and being so frustrated that it was her son (of all ppl) who got killed.to my disbelief,i cried when i watched it.not wailing sort of cry,but tears juz flowed.good thing i was alone,otherwise ppl will think i'm crazy.to me,i felt her pain,i felt her frustration at losing a child.i don't know if u gals are so sensitive like me.but chloe's death has really changed my life.i'm trying not to look at her photos these days,i juz picture in my mind whatever i can rem of her.i hope that will help me move on.but these days,anything associated with losing a child touches a raw nerve with me.has any of u felt like that? i literally feel that aching pain,that frustration,that sharp stabbing pain,that pain that tells me nothing is going bring back the lost child.

i don't know if this is normal.i tot i have moved on,but i don't know if this is something we will feel for the rest of our lives,or is it something that is impeding my healing.

it's juz nice to be able to talk to gals who have been thru' wat i been thru'.at least i won't get comments like i'm too sensitive,i'm crazy etc.i think all of u know wat i mean.ppl cannot understand y we miss our darlings.sometimes to these ppl,i feel like asking them how they will feel if their kids die on them this very moment.
 
Hello,

I cried too when few days back, looking at a piece of paper. On it, is my baby birth weight & length.

I think sometimes it is good for us to be busy and occupied.
 
Hi swm,

Oh,how come u have ur baby's birth wt & length? is it written on a 'formal' paper like those of normal delivery? i can put everything to memory.the time,my baby's birth wt.they didn't tell me her length though.this detailed will be etched in my mind forever.in a little corner of my mind called 'chloe's corner'.
 
Just a normal piece of paper where the nurse scribble it down.

I don't know if other mummy were treated as pathetic as me. On delivery date, nurse just came and insert the pills and check dilation every few hours. No gynae around. You just lie on the bed, going thru all emotional & physical pain. Gynae only appeared an hour plus after delivery.

I changed gynae after the incident.
 
Hey SWM,

who is ur gynae and which hospital did u deliver.my gynae at that time was Dr.Shamini Nair fr KKH.Shamini is a friend of my collegue,so i was treated with extra care.and i also stayed in A1 ward.u know,i feel the class of ward u stay in and ur occupation plays a part in how u r treated.so sad,right? this is such a realistic world.i was treated with care coz they all knew my occupation.hubby heard the nurse say,"this one paying patient,must call gynae". i delievered in the afternoon.throughour the night,only the houseman/registras were there.my gynae only appeared to deliver my baby.

i was pushed fr the maternity ward to the normal ward.even my hubby was juz like a robot following the nurse.to my amazement,i could rem (and i actually was clear enough to rem) the time i had to be checked/had to have another vaginal pessary placed.i even called the nurse in my ward to tell her it was time to go to maternity ward.but all that shuttling to & fr the wards was hell.

i think some docs/nurses think it's a stillbirth,baby no more,so y bother treating like normal patients.to me,it's still my baby.it's really like a normal birth,juz that u can't take ur baby home after the delivery.so all mothers and babies still have to be treated with respect.

btw,who is ur gynae now?
 
Dr Eunice Chua @ TMC.

I delivered in a normal single bedded ward on a normal hospital bed. No shuttling. Only when going to deliver, some senior nurse or mid wife(I don't know), will come in to receive the baby or change the blue sheet (cos it's full of blood or water) I don't know. That's all. No gynae.

Only when placenta did not flush out after some time. Then gynae was called to come in and settled it for me.

Also, to add salt to the wound. A nurse from Public relations or what came and congratulated me. I was too grief to be angry though not happy.

My current gynae is Dr Ang Huai Yan @ Gleneagles. She was surprised when she found out that when I gave birth, no gynae was around. I don't know what to expect in case of still birth. Is gynae supposed to be around ?? Is my gynae hopelessly hands off in my case ? I don't know. I don't even know what happened for my case ? Anyway, it's all over.
 
I've passed the first anniversary finally. Hubby really forgot about it and I don't blame him at all. We were discussing something about the previous time so I brought it up. He gave me so much encouragement and we are really lucky to be preparing for another arrival on his first anniversary. On the day itself, there was a strange insect following me when I was in the kitchen. It followed me to the living room too and settled next to me. I was just a little paranoid over the little insect complaining to hubby. Then he said this kind of insect is supposed to be some kind of good omen. I suddenly thought, could it be him? Well, it depends on your religion but no harm missing my precious little one right? I cried a little bit and told myself to move on.

That's how I handled the day. Thanks for listening.
happy.gif
 
Today mark the birthday of my girl if she is still alife. How time files, it's been 4 months since the miscarriage. Having some issues with my womb hence got to take the GnRH jabs to shrink it. Feeling moody and with the side effects kicking it. Not sure if it's worth it afterall making this decision to take the jabs hence we can TTC soon. Guess I just have to have some more faith for the last time. (this will be my forth time trying to get pregnant)

Just wanted to Thanks some of the ladies here for their support and listening ears during my down time back in May/ June.
 
Hi Chewy, my boy will be due this month too if he's alive. Those who are due in this month have already gone on maternity and wait for the arrival of their sweet baby. Feeling especially moody this month and hope it will pass soon.
I might be planning for a second bb in another 2 years.
Hope to hear good news from you soon!
 


Hi lucky3,

Congratulations on having strength to overcome that dreaded day.Men are like that.i think their brains work differently.My hubby deliberately didn't want to rem that date/make it significant to him,though i suspect deep down inside,he rems that date.who wouldn't? she was to be OUR baby.

Chewy dear,

I'm glad u found consolation and the stregth to move on fr this forum.it's really very difficult for us.OMG! 09.09.09.that would have been perfect,wouldn't it? makes it worse for u.i'm so sorry it has to happen on this day for u.yes,time flies.i'm flashing back on 1 yr ago,when things happened,and so quickly,1 yr has flown by.it's unfortunate ur uterus didn't shrink.didn't TCM help at all? poor gal *hugs* u know,i'll be here for u 1 yr on,not juz when things happened.Btw,now thinking back,the cycle i tested with the O strips u sent me,i struck gold.Thank u very much for ur baby dust.u must have sprinkled those on the O strips.hehe...

Hello SeR,

Didn't hear fr u for a long time.How are u? I hope life is treating u more kindly now.

Ladies,

My aunt was talking abt 1 of her cousin who had a kid born at 7 mths.she's still so small that when she carries her sch bag,u don't see her,u only see the sch bag.strange enough,such things set me off too.my heart bled at the moment.coz i knew my daughter would have survived given the chance.it really touched a raw nerve.

And my cousin's gal who was born on my b'day last yr is returning fr the states and my aunt if throwing her a b'day party.when my dad informed me abt it,instintively,i said i won't attend.i didn't even tell my hubby abt the invitation coz i didn't want to trigger a heated arguement with him.but it really made me tear.of course i had to hide my tears,coz to other ppl,they don't udnerstand y i'm still hurting/i will feel the pain 1 yr on.

Life is treating me a bit more kindly now.i'm going for my 2nd hysteroscopy to c if the IUD is ready to be taken out.i had a hysteroscopy done 2 wks ago.my doc was on MC,so another doc took over.I tell u,these docs...1st,i made my displeasure known coz i wasn't informed i will not be seen by my doc.i'm a private paying patient,i should not be thrown ard like subsidized patients.the doc saw,and quickly said healing not 100% (well,it has only been 4 wks post op),wait 6 more wks,do another hysteroscopy to c.both my regular docs are very eager for me to get well again and try soon.so they are doing their best to help speed up things.so i told the doc very 'pushly' the plan was to have the IUD taken on that visit.she sensed it,and she started using the water pressure fr the scope to flush away the scabs to have a look at the healing more closely.almost 90% healed.juz 1 part,it's healing,but not as good as the rest.so she said 2 more wks.2 wks and 6 wks make a whole world of difference.that could mean 1 try for me.i am quite glad i was a little pushy,but not to the point of offending the doc.

chewy,lucky3,

juz as all of us here listened to u,both of u are also listening to my grumbles.so no worries at all.don't feel bad.we are all here to help each other.

oh yes,btw,i'm seeing TCM at marine parade.he told me a lady who saw him had stillbirth at 9 mths,2nd stillbirth at 7 mths,3rd m/c at 5 wks,and then succeesfully had a baby boy recently.wonder if it's anyone of us in this thread.
 
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