Hi JR,
I have not posted for quite some times too, when i first came to this post, I just failed my fresh cycle too, at that time, I only want to vent out all my frustration, just wanna complain and complain, no need comment, no need comfort cos I know no amount of these can help, I tried every methods that can help me to conceive, fertility pills, 2 laprascopies, drilled my ovaries, 2 HSG, TCM, IUI, needles after needles, IVF, FET,IVF.
Seen doctors who are supposed to be renowed, dr chris chen, PC wong,etc.....chinese physician, xia rong, tan lee kee, tan siew buoy etc.... ALL FAILED
Irony is that twice I got pregnant (sort of naturally while trying all these) but ended up MC. Except birth, I experienced all kind of emotions, up and down, up and down, many times I thought i cannot continue anymore, I went thru the D&C after no fetal heartbeat deteched at week 8, went home without telling anyone except my hb, no confinement, no nourishment food cos none of my family knew about the 2 miscarriages, I just go home and sleep, many times I thought I cannot breathe anymore, I lie down on my bed, refused to eat, refused to talk, basically a zombie then suddenly one day I woke up again and started looking for answers and solutions on the internet, found new methods or new doctor, I called up immediately, all these while just looking for hope to have my own baby.
Ended up with long menses period or no menses at all, acne problems which I never had before.
Like you, I asked god all the questions you asked, I even went to sunday church, prayed but still .....Till today I kept praying and I know there is a purpose in whatever god has in store for me, I just kept trying becos there is nothing else that I can do.
Finally after switching from NUH IVF to KKH IVF, Dr Loh, I managed to conceive but again things do not always come easy for me.
Did the first scan on week 7, 2 sacs with 2 heartbeats, was happy and all of us incl dr loh felt that I am lucky not to have triplets, I thought finally I saw light at the end.
Went for the second scan happily during week 9, one of the baby split into identical twins, I still remembered dr loh shaking his head when he did the scan, I thought I lost 1 or both babies but he said nope, all 3 are okay, thus making me having triplets (1 pair of identical twin and the other one in a separate sac).
Dun think that this is even better, triple happiness. No way! Multiples pregnancies post too much risk and chances of survival are no good, even if managed to, due to extreme premature, babies could have developmental disabilities in childhood etc... all these can be found in the medical reports. Given a few options by the dr. 1. To keep them and take the risk of losing all 3, 2. To "kill" the pair of identical twins and give the other one a higher survival rate but still there is risk for the remaining bb. Doctor gave me a few examples of his cases, seem like most of them chose to "kill" one bb to let the other 2 have better survival chance. That night was a sleepless night for me and hb, we just dunno what to do.
Few days later I have staining, went to 24 hrs immediately, scan showed that identical twins heartbeats gone, only 1 left. To be honest, when dr told me I am having triplets, I was so upset and but the MO told me the heartbeats for the identical twins gone, I was relieved at that moment. I felt so guilty for feeling that way but that was my first instant feeling. Went to clinic A to confirm result, the dr told me it is better that way for I need not make any decision, Dr Loh emailed me and told me that he dunno if he should be "happy" for me. From then on, I have constant worry for this remaining bb, is he/she alright? any risk? etc.....
Pregnancy is not the end but only the start of non stop worrying and heartache for me too, occasionally I will come across some pregnancy friends who also finally managed to conceive thru IVF having complications, MC along the way, having to make difficult decision to terminate the pregnacies, all these adds on to my worries.
Whether you chose to continue to pursuit to conceive or finally succeed, there are many hurdles in life we have to cross, others seem to have no hurdles but we cannot be sure about that, maybe he or she does not consider it as a hurdle at all. Whether childless at the end or able to fulfill motherhood, there are also joys and hopes in life that we can enjoy and focus on, dwelling too much on one particular issue will only blind us to many great things in life or even make us forget to cherish those that are with us all these times.
Your hubby first concern is definitely not the blood test result on Sat but is your reaction and feeling after that. My hb told me that he hates it whenever I failed a certain treatment and always feel so stressed when the result day, not becos of the result itself but how I will react to it, he HATES to see me become a "zombie" that's what matter to him most, not the result. Your man will share the same feeling as mine.
I am sure that since your dr said you can go thru IVF, that means there is a chance you can conceive, only a matter of timing, some succeeded the first try, some after numerous tries, that's what I told myself, I dun believe after trying for 10 times, I cannot even strike once, in fact, you had but just turn into MC, that means you can be preggy, only a matter of time. Similarly I had phobia of pregnancy after 2 MC but I told myself the same thing, I dun believe all my pregnancies will turn into MC if dr checked and said that I dun have generic problems that disallow me to be pregnant.
It is hard! but NOT impossible, rest well. Vent out your frustration, go ahead for the result on Sat, you never know, urine test could be inaccurate too. Good luck.