Hey Budapest,
Let me share my experience with u.u r not the only one going thru' all these.wat u wrote felt exactly like my sentiments.Hubby & i had a 'traumatic' rlnshp.everything was good,we decided to get married,his mum passed away.his sis tried to push his father to live with us coz we have a bigger hse,even tried to offload the maid with us.our wedding was pushed back as a result of his mum's passing.i was quite against it,as i wanted to have a baby in 2008.we quarrelled,i screamed,i shouted,i protested,but in the end,i gave in,with the plan that we try to get preg b4 the wedding so that we can have a baby in 2008.we succeeded.i started trying in dec 2007,got preg in jan 2008.didn't have a good 1st trimester,coz hubby & his whole fam suddenly switched to christianity,FIL forcing me to join the church too.Sun,our only free day,is now taken away by going to church.i was angry.i was very afraid FIL will force my baby to be christian too.SIL commented i should have a boy 1st to 'take the pressure off'.i was angry hubby didn't stand up for that.basically,my rlnshp with my in laws is bad.then our world came crashing down when my baby died.SIL & FIL came to my house to remove a display item which they all tot was 'evil'.i bot that fr korea some more.& they stuck a cross on my main door.i was fuming.the baby's death has already taken a toll on us.hubby started blaming me,saying maybe it's coz i didn't eat this,didn't eat that etc. we started trying abt 3 mths after the baby was stillborn.fr then on,it was downhill all the way.Hubby told me he was ready to try the wk after the stillbirth,but i told him i wanted to rest.my body may not be ready.when we started trying,it was really TRYING!
i would tell hubby gently it's a good time now,he would refuse to do it.strange,i tot! so sometimes we miss the opputunity.when i confronted him,he would give excuses like he's tired,he doesn't feel like it.he even went to the point he said he didn't like the way i seduced him! we tried,& we tried,& we tried.& we failed,& we failed,& we failed.I got so sick & tired of 'begging' him that after 5 mths,i went to a gynae,making it sound that i cannot conceive (now,i think that's really happening!),coz i wanted to take the easy way out of assisted conception.so off i went,on series of checks,scans etc.i tell u,the no. of time i was poked by the scan stick.....unbelievable.and it was uncomfortable each time.by i think abt 9th mth of trying,hubby suddenly changed his attitude.i went to aus coz i needed a break.i went w/o him.i used to live in oz,so it was like 'going home' for me.it was then he told me how much he wanted a child,how he's still sad over the death of our little girl,how he feels upset when he found out his best buddy's wife is expecting no.2.i told him he doesn't need to put himself thru' all these pain.he can juz avoid.it doesn't seem like a long term solution,but if it makes him happy,then it's good enough.this is wat i do.so now,i'm trying to make new friends with girls in the mid termination thread.coz it's too painful to hang ard his friends with babies.
it was all me,me,me.i went for follicle scans by myself,then rushed to work after that.i went for IUI by myself,then drove myself home.all hubby did was the easy part.provided his sperm.i went for gynae checks on my own.hubby only turned up once.i am such a familiar face that the receptionist can call out my name the moment i step into the clinic.i too,took clomid,i went for HSG all by myself.HSG was so uncomfortable,i teared & that moment,i asked myself why i am doing all these.all juz to give him a child.i can see his longing to have a child,comments he makes like,"if i can have a girl like her,i'll be very happy." or "if i can have 1 child,i'll be very happy already." but i wondered y he will not co-ooperate.i think time has changed him.he's now realising even when he co-operates,we r not succeeding,despite the easy success we had the 1st time.
i ask myself how i can still be sane.i was so afraid after the stillbirth,i'll fall into depression.it's a struggle,but i've made it.the date is approaching soon,maybe instead of crying over our lost baby,i should celebrate how far i've come since the stillbirth.i am lucky,i have a very good doc friend who has also been thru' multiple miscarriages.her situation with her hubby is similar to ours.she encouraged me every time i was down.she even jabbed me b4 the iui coz i didn't have time to go down to the hospital to get the jab.most of these jabs can be self administered.i also have a couple of other close friends who really held me hands all along the way.and i have this forum.the girls who encouraged me.
i've seen prof mary rauff at NUH after the stillbirth.during the 1st preg,i was managed at KKh,but i wasn't really pleased with the gynae (though she's a friend of my friend),so i decided to seek a 2nd opinion.i had 2 rounds of failed iui,1 round of natural conception with scan to ensure follicle is there.but failed also.
i took a step back & wondered if i'm too caught up in all these,so i decided to approach Dr.Chris Chong at Gleneagles.i juz wanted a fresh insight into my situation.i suggest b4 u go for iui,u go c chris chong 1st.i'm not sure if he does iui,but private is definitely more ex than NUH,i think.
he was the one who alerted me to the low success rate of fertility treatment.he is so encouraging,and he told me it's not fair that i'm doing all the job coz conception involves both parties.i wish my hubby can hear that.and every time i speak to him,he ends off with,"don't lose hope." i wanna cry on hearing that,u know? even he can c how much effort i've put in,i wished my hubby can see that.he's a good gynae,very insightful.u may want to pay him a visit and discuss ur plans with him.if u wanna go NUH for iui,tell him honestly.he doesn't pass judgement.then when u conceive,u can go back to c him if u want.
as for ruining ur health,i dont' think it's the case,but some drugs does upset ur cycle.when i was on clomid for 2 mths,i had mid cycle bleeding for 3 mths.the same happened when i had bai feng wan.in the end,i told myself to give my body a break and stayed off all drugs.the mid cycle bleeding stopped.PC wong's nurse said it's ovulation bleeding,everyone said it's ovulation bleeding.but i'm convinced it's not.coz O bleeding is spotting,not bleeding.i had real bleeding.and when it happend during my attempt at IUI,scan already done,confirmed ovulated,then i bled,so how can that be O bleeding? I've O-ed!
i had my 1st attempt at taking herbs by tcm.i went to c the tcm at marine parade.i woke up at 5am on sun to brew the herbs.i felt so alone.but i told myself i could do it.i was going out the rest of the day,so it's impossible to do it later in the day.i woke up every 1/2 hr to check.i used a claypot coz i didn't wnat to buy the ex double boiler as i was unsure if i'm going to continue with tcm.silently,i wished hubby could give me a big hugmor he could help me.no,i was all alone.at 1 point,i was so angry with his lacklustre effort,i told him i'll even pay for all my treatment,i juz needed his sperm.
y don't u go c Chris Chong for an opinion b4 u embark on ur IUI journey with PC wong? give urself 1 last chance.it's hard,u've tried 60 times (5 x 12 mths).but a fresh insight may be juz wat u need.i give u chris chong's no.
64743031
my heart goes out to u,darling.but u must be positive.u're not alone in all these,there are many women out there who are walking the same path as us.
Then you just go home and rest.