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Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by chelsa1980, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. chelsa1980

    chelsa1980 Member

    I realised that my hubby set up a Tinder account when he was on an overseas Tinder work trip. We had a fight when he left for his work trip (we had some argument over whatsapp) When he came back to Singapore, we thrashed things out and things were better than before.

    On Sat night (2 days after he came back), my hubby thought that I fell asleep in my room while he was watching movies in the living room. However, I went to the living room to take something. He had his earphones on and as such, did not hear me. I stood behind him for 10 min and realise that he was texting a girl on wechat. I confronted him and the look of panic and horror was so obvious. I told him that I wanted to see his phone. He tried to cover up and showed me a whataspp group of his soccer mates. I told him I wanted to see the messages with the girl and not the messages he had with his buddies. I had the phone with me then, he quickly snatched the phone away from me and deleted the messages. He kept saying there was nothing.

    I broke down that night and cried myself to sleep. The next day, he told me that he wanted a stranger to talk about his marriage problems. He didnt want to share them with colleagues who were on the worktrip. So when he was overseas and alone in the hotel, he set up a Tinder account and spoke to another married woman. I was devastated. I asked him that why did he message the woman on Sat night even when things were fine between us. I mentioned that while he was overseas, I was juggling a bad time at work and having to coach the kids for their term tests and I didnt even have time to sleep. He said he was bored. He kept telling me that he did not meet up with the woman at all.

    There are so many wrongs he did.
    1. Set up a Tinder account
    2. Spoke to a married woman
    3. Got her number and proceeded to chat with her via Wechat.
    4. Message her again when he was bored.

    I dont know what to believe anymore. I told him I wanted a divorce but he refused. We have been married more than 10 yrs and this is not the first time I caught him messaging other women. The first time was when we are newly weds. :(

    My younger son heard us fighting over the weekend. He wrote on a slip of paper the words 'My life is ruined. My life is divided into half now'. It breaks my heart. For the sake of the kids, my hubby told me to give him a chance to change. He didnt want the kids to suffer. Even my mum told me not to divorce because of my kids. But I know that things will never be the same again.

    I am sorry for ranting. I just need to get this off my chest. I am at work now and cannot concentrated - kept tearing.

  2. JL8118

    JL8118 Member

    Sad to see this...

    But first of all, you need to find out if he's speaking the truth.

    I do agreed that for some men, they will prefer to chat to a third party (another woman especially married) especially for advices on their marriage life. They are not comfortable to talk to colleagues, or even male friends though. Hence most may find another to consult in. Hence if its just chit chat on such, I think still fine, as long not too overboard. But from the way he acts, I think there's more than just pure 'chatting'. Hopefully am wrong.

    If he's really speaking the truth, he should show him the messages between him and the woman. Qing Ze Zhi Qing. Have a talk with him, and tell him your concern. And ask him to show you their messages if he only 'chit chat' with the woman.
    But then again, if really pure chatting, will you still allow? Or mind? My hubby himself do have this closed lady (whom I knew also) that he often 'chat' with either. This lady is also married, and we knew her, and her husband/kids as well. She was one of my hubby's good friend since college time. So am quite ok with it, since my hubby does show me the messages they chatted about. Or sometimes when he was 'chatting' with this lady, I'm just beside him as well.

    I presume your kids is quite old already? Since he's able to write that kind of notes. So you need to think it really well...
  3. chelsa1980

    chelsa1980 Member

    Hi JL8118,

    Thanks for reading. I wanted to read the messages. But he showed me the message of his buddy whatsapp chat group instead. I was very certain what I saw was not the whatsapp chat window. I told him that I wanted to see the messages between him and the woman. I know it was a woman because of the photo in the chat window. I can even see her name. And when I was holding the phone in my hand, he snatched it away and started deleting the messages. So you can imagine, there was a tussle over the phone.

    He said he was afraid I will jump to conclusions. But I told him that his actions made him all the more guilty. :(
    He told me he has deleted all chat history..so there is no way I can read those message.
  4. JL8118

    JL8118 Member

    Ya. Precisely, his action is making him more guilty... That's why you are upset about it. Hence you need to tell him... If he's clear in consciences, and have show you his message, perhaps you will jump into conclusion.
  5. JL8118

    JL8118 Member

    But then again, unsure if he have anything to do with that woman when overseas, assuming no.. Going for divorce cause of this, is not really a good choice. Plus the way your child act, I think still better to restore this marriage with your hubby.
  6. chelsa1980

    chelsa1980 Member

    On Sun morning, I tried talking to him again. I requested to check his phone. I realise he password coded all his apps with chat function (e.g email, FB messager). I told him for me to give him any chance, he needs to come clean with me and the first thing he can do is to show me his face. He surrendered his phone to me and when I requested him to unlock some apps, there was again the tussle over the hp again. He snatched the phone back and started deleting stuff again.
  7. DonLee

    DonLee Member

    Err. Why will a married person set up a tinder account? Isn't Tinder an app for dating? If he just want to find a stranger to talk about his marriage issue, wechat or other forum (like motherhood?) is more than good enough. Sorry to say, having install and chatting on Tinder to me doesn't seems right already. Perhaps he's just trying to find some 'luck', to know some woman, and slowly will even lead to astray.
    It seems that he enjoy chatting with the person, which is why they exchange and added/chat with one another in wechat. So all the more I feel that he's starting to go astray already.
    What he said one thing is I agreed on. " He didnt want to share them with colleagues who were on the worktrip'. I too myself when facing marriage issue especially, I do not want to share with colleagues, nor even friends. As sometimes friends (especially good friends), may more or less, stand by you, and give you comments/opinions that is more of benefit to you. I prefer to share it with stranger, as they don't know me, and I don't know them, and they can give opinion much better than of friends since they usually won't side either side.
    But again for divorce, its quite a serious matter. I feel you really need to think about it again. If like what JL8118 mentioned, he's just only chatting with the girl, and nothing else, it's quite harsh to jump into divorce that soon. Ask him back, if you are bored, and look for other random stranger guy to chat with, and also doesn't want him to look at the messages, is he fine with it?
  8. chelsa1980

    chelsa1980 Member


    The reason why I want to divorce was that it is not the first time. Over the years of marriage, this was the 4th time. The first time happen when we were newly weds. He asked for bikini photos from a female colleague. :(
  9. DonLee

    DonLee Member

    HI chelsa1980,

    From the way he acted on Sunday, seems like he's hiding something away from you, that don't want you to find out. Guess trust is already lost in this way. If I'm were you, I will also be devastated and doubt his action/words.

    For the bikini photos, does he says in a jokingly way or private message kind? Because sometimes among colleague, we will joke here and there. Sometime will also ask for naked photo (but in joking manner of course), and this can comes out from male/female colleagues. For example we were talking about some stuff, and this female colleague jokingly say 'no pic no talk' to this male colleague, and we were talking about 'buttock'.

    Hence probably requesting for bikini photos is sometimes joking. But of course if private message, then something funny la. Even we talked, we discussed/talked openly rather than privately.

    But since this is the 4th time already, then do you think it's worth going for divorce just cause of this? But then again, if trust is broken, it's hard to amend already... Be it to continue this marriage or divorce, you still have to consider it real carefully. How old are your kids? Can they cope if you both divorce? Instead of divorce, is there a better option? Go for marriage counselling?
  10. chelsa1980

    chelsa1980 Member

    Hi DonLee,

    Actually, I am not sure what I am supposed to do. My kids are in primary school but I know they will be affected by the divorce. On the other hand, the trust for my hubby is totally gone. I cannot foresee spending the rest of my life with a man who lies.
  11. DonLee

    DonLee Member

    Can understand. You need to ask yourself. If the trust for your hubby can be build up again? Since as you mentioned, this is not the first time. So if in the past you can, perhaps this time you can also. It's all about if you are willing or not, be it he did/didn't have affair.
    Secondly, if don't want divorce, what you intend to do? Marriage counselling? Separation?
    Third, if you insists of divorce, have to consider about your child as well. Though at this age, they should be mature to think of the future. But have to say more or less their heart/character will be very much effected.
  12. chelsa1980

    chelsa1980 Member


    I was willing to work things out with my hubby and thats provided he is honest with me. Thats why I told him to show me his phone. But he was still unwilling to be honest. He got angry and left the house for a smoke. I told him if he leaves, it shows his guilty conscience and his unwillingness to work things out. Nonetheless, he left, leaving me crying at home.

    I never knew how grief felt till now. I wanted a closure to move forward but I cant have it. And giving him a chance is like giving myself chances to be hurt again. Sigh.
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2019
  13. bohgie

    bohgie Member

    Hi Chelsa,

    Even he is honest to you will you trust him.
  14. JL8118

    JL8118 Member


    Agreed with donlee. He seems to have something to hide from you.
    Since trust is lost (plus already 4th time), probably divorce is the only solution now.
    Am not sure what reason you can file for divorce though. Perhaps unreasonable behaviour?
    Otherwise, can only go for separation
  15. chelsa1980

    chelsa1980 Member


    I was willing to give him a chance on Sun if he was honest with me. But like I mentioned, he got angry and shouted at me and left the house.

    @JL8118, I spoke to him about divorce but he is not willing to. He kept saying he is willing to change but I told him he had that chance to come clean but he chose to be cowardly and left the house. This just tells me that he has more and maybe bigger things to hide.

    I just felt bad towards my mum. I am a grown up woman and still worries my mum! I found out about the chatting at wee hours of Sat. I didnt know who to call, so I called her and cried. She was very worried about me. She didnt sleep that night. The next day, she came to take care of my kids and kept telling me to leave the house or even go shopping so that negativity will not get to me.
  16. JL8118

    JL8118 Member

    Our parents will always be at our side, no matter what we become.
    I always have this in mind. We are forever 'kids/children' in the eyes of parents, even though we have already married or grow old.

    What your mum say is quite correct. You should go for a cooldown, be it shopping, or even a short getaway. To think what's your next step to go.

    Well, even if he doesn't want divorce, you can still file for divorce. Otherwise, can go for separation like mentioned
  17. chelsa1980

    chelsa1980 Member


    I would like to know the following (sorry. I am pretty helpless at these matters) :
    - If I want divorce, and he doesnt want, what will happen?
    - Secondly, if I were to file for a separation, does he need to agree?
  18. JL8118

    JL8118 Member

    I think if you want divorce, and he doesn't can still got for contested divorced
    Same for separation. Even he don't want, after separation of 3/5 years, it will become divorce

    Contested Divorce
    The contested divorce is the type in which the spouses cannot arrive at an agreement on one or more key issues in order to conclusively terminate their marriage.

    Uncontested Divorce
    Uncontested divorces are often referred to as simple divorces. An uncontested divorce occurs when the couple agrees on all issues required to conclusively and effectively terminate their marriage, leaving nothing of consequence that is disputed or unresolved.
  19. Eppy

    Eppy Member

    It’s more than just friends.
  20. Romantique_1979

    Romantique_1979 New Member

    At this very moment, you want all the hurt and pain to stop, that is why you are thinking of Divorce. But I doubt anything can be resolved with 'D', who knows it can even bring more problems later, on custody, splitting of assets, moving home etc etc?

    Take sometime to get away, from him. Take your child (it's School holidays now, go somewhere), as long as you can take your mind off this feelings of anger, betrayal. You need to steer your mind off, go stay with Mum and do something you like together. Trust me, he doesn;t want to lose you, nor the family. He thought he could just have some fun by the sides, knowing you will be hurt if he is caught. Hopefully he will take this lesson seriously on what he can stand to lose.

    Hopefully, after a week or so ..you will have a clearer mind on what your really intend to do. Good luck
  21. margret

    margret Active Member

    if y have evidence of his u reasonable behaviour u can file for divorce. if he disagree then he have to showcause why he disagree. if let say u have evidence if adultery then he need to prove he is innocent in order to stop divorce.

    For separation, he he agreed then only need to separate for 3 years but if he disagree then need to separate 4 years then officially can divorce.
  22. Johnson Philip

    Johnson Philip New Member

    Please do not think too much. Sit down and have good talk with husband when both cool down.
    Set rules Do and Don't and work it out. Divorce is not end of it when your have kids. Is the new beginning.
    Divorce only when you have zero faith in your husband.
  23. chelsa1980

    chelsa1980 Member

    Thank you everyone for your advice. Both of us are in the midst of working things out.

    It will be a long recovery process for me. If you read my first post, you would have known that we had a fight before he went overseas for a work trip. His trip was supposed to be for 1 week. 3 days ago, we bought the kids to malaysia and when I was checking to see if the passports were stamped, I realised that the country he told me that he would be travelling for his work trip tallied. However, his passport chop showed that he was there for 4 days instead of a week. For the next 3 days, he was actually in another country. When he came back to SG, he immediately drove back to his office to show me some documents, explaining that there are some things he could not have told me as they were confidential.

    Actually, I dont know what to believe in anymore. :( I only hope that what I am doing is the right thing.
  24. Stansy

    Stansy Member

    Hi Chelsa 1980

    I totally empathize with you as much as we want to give the full benefit of the doubt but yet there are times are so difficult becoz of their behavior. Sigh....
  25. margret

    margret Active Member

    is he a secret agent
  26. Romantique_1979

    Romantique_1979 New Member

    If he is, he is probably an incompetent one (haha!..sorry, just trying inject a bit of amusement into a serious matter)
  27. Romantique_1979

    Romantique_1979 New Member

    I am glad to hear that both of you are in the midst of 'working things out' and hopefully 'talking' on a positive note. Sometimes, a straying partner may come to his senses, when he realize how much he has to lose, in terms of a loving family, financially etc. Give him a bit more time, a bit more patience and let him know it is hurting you deeply. At a right time and mood, ask him if it is 'worth it?' to get involved for the sake of some forbidden excitement? Is it worth the risk?
  28. tingdong

    tingdong New Member

    It will be a very tormenting process, you might or might not recover.
    My hub strayed and now we have patched up. We are even more loving than before. Even so, I have been haunted by those flash back cos I saw the messages between them. I invaded my hub's privacy cos I just don't feel right. He was still nice to me during that time and I trusted him so much. I lost so much weight, insomnia, can't concentrate at work, can't eat and lost all my interest and passion. Basically I was like a walking dead. If not for my children and family members, I would have ended my life, If not for them, I would have left my hub.
    Fast forward, he loves me more than before, even so, sometimes the trust is not totally there. I would get paranoid over things, my mood swung, tear easily.
    Once trust is broken, it's difficult to built that trust again.

    It is going to be a very long process. You have to be mentally strong to face it.
  29. Stansy

    Stansy Member

    It’s totally sucky why some men are such an asshole!!!
  30. chelsa1980

    chelsa1980 Member

    Hi tingdong,

    I understand what you mean. The trust is totally gone. My hubby's work requires him to work long hours and travel overseas. He has promised me that he will call from his office to prove that he is really at work. Before all these 'hoohaas' took place, I would have thought that it was a nice gesture. But now, at the back of my mind, I would be thinking other scenarios such as he could call me from the office but leave in between to meet other women.

    RIght now, he is nice to me. Still, suspicions get to me daily.
  31. chelsa1980

    chelsa1980 Member


    I think he is the typical case of wanting excitement at the sidelines and yet hoping that he would not get caught. One of his closest friend went through a messy divorce as he married the wrong woman. He knows the consequences of marrying the wrong woman. Often, he would share what his friend was going through and both of us would feel sorry for the kids.

    I had been very patient because I know that if I pushed him away any further, it would drive him to the other woman. (For a married woman with kids to be on Tinder, one can guess what she wants). Nonetheless, I have good days and bad ones. Sometimes, I would cry myself to sleep. Its going to be a long road to recovery.

    I told myself that if he chose to throw away everything, it would be his loss. I may not be perfect, but I stood by him for so many years. He had always taken pride in the fact that his family life was good, compared to his friends who were divorced/single. If he was willing to give all these up, then I would wish him all the best.
  32. Mongkok

    Mongkok Active Member

    When he fails to explain the unaccounted trip and surrenders his hp, he has bigger things to hide from u. He is a goner.

    Separation or DV are one of your attempt to 'wake' him. As findings don't fall squarely with your suspicion, u have no concrete basis to decide on the next step.

    Prep for the worst (Dv) when u go for separation. coz once embarked, if he don't repent during those period, it's difficult for u (morally) to withdraw. U will find yourself on DV route.

    You are at the most painful stage. However, protect your kids. Argue behind their back. U don't wish them to make a wrong judgement that may affect their mental health.

    Meantime strengthen yourself financially.
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2019
  33. chelsa1980

    chelsa1980 Member

    Yes, agreed with you. The kids are innocent. :(

    He is very nice to me after the incident but the pain never did go away. Im trying my best to be the nice wife so that I do not push him away to the other women (if there is). Most of my smiles now are not truly from the heart.
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2019
  34. janlim512

    janlim512 Member

    I guess is common. When trust is broken, very hard to amend.
    So even both have work out, the relationship/marriage will have something missing in there.
    And that's trust. Everything he do, even if he put in effort and truthfully, you will still have doubt if he's lying or trying to please you. Hopefully you both can have it work out again, and trust will regain
    Otherwise, not consideration of kids, divorce is the only option.
    I do know of some couples whom even after divorce, but equally still are very good to their kids. They still bring out their kids together. Just probably the feel isn't the same, for both the parents and kids...
  35. JL8118

    JL8118 Member

    I can understand how you feel. When my hubby had an affair previously, after much consideration, thoughts etc, I decided to forgive him, and give him another chance.

    During this period (and upto now), the trust towards him have not been fix yet. Whatever he do, or wherever he go, I will have my doubts, and question him here and there. I told him since he have done wrong, he should know/understand my doubts and questioning, and have to bear with it. If he can't bear, then can file for divorced. Probably he think of the kids as well, and hope for my forgiveness, hence doing things, without grumbling.

    Trust me, gaining back of trust towards him can be torturing and long. It's been 1 yr since my last issue with hubby, but yet, the suspicious/trust is still there. I not sure how long it will take, but well, I guess probably may take few more years to regain trust with him
  36. Stansy

    Stansy Member

    For such would it be better for both parties to take a break from each other.

    Have you gals ever feel happy?
  37. JL8118

    JL8118 Member

    Myself and my hubby do take a break from one another for a period of time.
    For myself, I feel there's no perfect person in this world.
    My hubby is a good father, but not a good husband I guess
  38. Stansy

    Stansy Member

    He had an affair? Did the break from each other helps in improving the relationship? How long was the break?
  39. JL8118

    JL8118 Member

    Yes. He had affair. With a China woman as well.
    The break was about half a year or more.
    Things does improve though. But the trust is no longer there.
    Whatever thing he does, I will have doubt, and question here and there
  40. Stansy

    Stansy Member

    Pretty though rite being in the relationship that has no trust at all.
    Having to keep questioning the other half is also not healthy to the relationship
  41. JL8118

    JL8118 Member

    Yes. Well, though can forgive, but can never forget. I wish to salvage this marriage hence forgave him, and re-united with him. However since trust is being broken, it's quite hard to amend. I guess it takes time. As for how long, I'm not sure already
  42. tingdong

    tingdong New Member

    No we didn't take a break from each other.
    At that time, our mental health were very fragile, very emotional as it could get. That was the time where seeing and touching each other will strength the bond between us.
    In between there were breakdowns.....but we managed to talk it out and patching up.

    Honestly, I felt being loved more than before. Happy and sad, both can just take turns to be with you cos recovering process is still ongoing.

    If you ever google the recovering process, you will find that there are stages of recovering.

    Sometimes I do hate why I have the one. My mental health is being ruined, at least for now. I dont think I can fully recover my mental health cos you can forgive but can't forget.

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