Cheated from courtship till married

[precioustricia]

We are married for 18years with 2 kids. He had an affair 12years back with an ex colleague,i forgave him.
Recently i found out on his paid sex in his recent biz trip in China and he claimed its his first. I forgave him again. But i found out he hasnt been truthful and keep lying to me on his confession, he had paid sex since during courtship till now, my world shattered. He sweared he will change,and also he claimed he has sex addiction issue. Will you believe and give him another chance as a benefit of doubt?

 

[margret]

We are married for 18years with 2 kids. He had an affair 12years back with an ex colleague,i forgave him.
Recently i found out on his paid sex in his recent biz trip in China and he claimed its his first. I forgave him again. But i found out he hasnt been truthful and keep lying to me on his confession, he had paid sex since during courtship till now, my world shattered. He sweared he will change,and also he claimed he has sex addiction issue. Will you believe and give him another chance as a benefit of doubt?

Can I ask you this question. If u have a daughter and your son in law is doing this. Will u ask your daughter to continue stay with him


Sent from my iPhone using Forum

 

[MoeLanYong]

We are married for 18years with 2 kids. He had an affair 12years back with an ex colleague,i forgave him.
Recently i found out on his paid sex in his recent biz trip in China and he claimed its his first. I forgave him again. But i found out he hasnt been truthful and keep lying to me on his confession, he had paid sex since during courtship till now, my world shattered. He sweared he will change,and also he claimed he has sex addiction issue. Will you believe and give him another chance as a benefit of doubt?

Someone wise told me Every marriage is a work in progress. It never ends.

At least he is admitting to a problem. You can try working it out with him.

The alternative is a messy divorce

 

[janey09]

We are married for 18years with 2 kids. He had an affair 12years back with an ex colleague,i forgave him.
Recently i found out on his paid sex in his recent biz trip in China and he claimed its his first. I forgave him again. But i found out he hasnt been truthful and keep lying to me on his confession, he had paid sex since during courtship till now, my world shattered. He sweared he will change,and also he claimed he has sex addiction issue. Will you believe and give him another chance as a benefit of doubt?

I guess u have to make a decision whether it's truth he is a sex addict.

He not only betray u emotional but physically.

Don't be afraid to make a decision. A leopard never change it's spot.

Don't listen to those man. They always play on the part that u will not dare to divorce. There is nothing messy as claimed by a man. He confessed to u.u can use that to file a divorce.

With so much lesson u think he can change for u? Never !

When he thinks he can't outsmart u, he will do it again.
Are u able to be hurt by him again and again

 

[MoeLanYong]

Go ahead and divorce then.

Exchange lawyer letters. Sell home. Buy new home. Renovate. Day time go work. Night time bring up 2 kids on your own. Get used to being alone.

No big deal ya

 

[wendy_reborn]

Go ahead and divorce then.

Exchange lawyer letters. Sell home. Buy new home. Renovate. Day time go work. Night time bring up 2 kids on your own. Get used to being alone.

No big deal ya

As always u are are concerned about the materialistic expectation of thing. Do u know how difficult to handle when your spouse betray you again an d again

I seriously doubt that you are giving genuine advice. U must have a nasty divorce that why you always those here in motherhood forum not to divorce but to give in to husband even husband commit adultery. Your wife short Change u?

 

[MoeLanYong]

I don't get why others don't see it

There are only 2 options.

1. Divorce

2. And everyday TS is not divorcing, she is "choosing" to stay. And since she is staying, her best option is to fix it. Not do nothing.

Yes the husband did wrong. Yes I feel sorry for TS. But please tell me there is a 3rd option other than the above 2?

Rather than attack me, reason it with me.

 

[wendy_reborn]

I don't get why others don't see it

There are only 2 options.

1. Divorce

2. And everyday TS is not divorcing, she is "choosing" to stay. And since she is staying, her best option is to fix it. Not do nothing.

Yes the husband did wrong. Yes I feel sorry for TS. But please tell me there is a 3rd option other than the above 2?

Rather than attack me, reason it with me.

There are many other options. To you as a man only two option?

TS can file for separation if she need time to prepare. He still pay maintenance to them.

Or she can draw up a post matrimonial agreement if husband comitted the act of adultery he have to pay them full maintenance and give TS the house.

 

[MoeLanYong]

There are many other options. To you as a man only two option?

TS can file for separation if she need time to prepare. He still pay maintenance to them.

Or she can draw up a post matrimonial agreement if husband comitted the act of adultery he have to pay them full maintenance and give TS the house.

There you go. Options for TS to consider.

(In case you don't know, your first answer is to divorce and your second is to fix it)

 

[Mongkok]

This is a typical cat and mouse union. No catch no confession and nvr chg.

Anyway he is very dirty. Aka public toilet alr. No longer trust worthy and reliable.

Anyway, forget abt using your true love to change him. Only works in fairytale. Changing yourself will be a faster route.

If u are ready financially, jus move on bef u get HIV. There are better guys out there.

Btw, when ppl say 'work on your marriage', it means 2 person making an effort towards 1 goal. Not 1 still sleeping ard and the other accommodating. Dont waste time on ppl that don't share same goal as u.

 

[precioustricia]

Can I ask you this question. If u have a daughter and your son in law is doing this. Will u ask your daughter to continue stay with him


Sent from my iPhone using Forum

I wont ask my daughter to continue if they do not have children. If they do, i mayb ask her to forgive if that is his first betrayal to her.

 

[precioustricia]

Someone wise told me Every marriage is a work in progress. It never ends.

At least he is admitting to a problem. You can try working it out with him.

The alternative is a messy divorce

I decided to forgive after knowing his China paid sexs, i thought he just did it out of addiction as he claimed but turned out those were not his first and definitely not his last if i didnt find out!

 

[margret]

I decided to forgive after knowing his China paid sexs, i thought he just did it out of addiction as he claimed but turned out those were not his first and definitely not his last if i didnt find out!

So what is your decision as this? I don’t think he will stop.
If it’s addiction he should get some help and not just let it go on.
But I feel it’s his habit more than addiction


Sent from my iPhone using Forum

 

[KelGen]

Agreed with margret. Sometimes some addictions is difficult to stop/change, especially when comes to sex addiction. It's like drug whereby it's difficult for one to quit/change. Of course doesn't mean unable to change/quit. But honestly speaking for his seems difficult or unable to quit, so no point in giving him chances again and again, where is only hurting yourself.

 

[janey09]

Agreed with margret. Sometimes some addictions is difficult to stop/change, especially when comes to sex addiction. It's like drug whereby it's difficult for one to quit/change. Of course doesn't mean unable to change/quit. But honestly speaking for his seems difficult or unable to quit, so no point in giving him chances again and again, where is only hurting yourself.

He is selfish. If he knows he have sex addiction, shouldn't he seek medical help then he gets involved with colleague and other girl? This is outride giving excuse.
Sorry to ask, how regular he have sex with u.

 

[colormebeautiful]

Either acceptance or quit.

Its a struggle when the marriage is so long n you have kids. Sex addication is an excuse.

 

[MoeLanYong]

I decided to forgive after knowing his China paid sexs, i thought he just did it out of addiction as he claimed but turned out those were not his first and definitely not his last if i didnt find out!

Forgive, without working on why it happened and how to prevent a recurrence, is as good as waiting for it to happen again.

You need to figure out what went wrong, rather than just forgive. Else you are just chasing your tail.

 

[MoeLanYong]

Oh. I forgot. Till today when someone asked me haha.

TS,
I am in a Divorce/Sexless/Loveless chat group with 200 other people. It is a support group for people going through divorce. For people to ask divorce questions, ask relationship issues, seek views or just to find someone in the same situation to talk to. Good mix of male and female. Ages range 30s - 50s. A diverse group with views from both males and females. Here, I find the views are abit skewed to one gender.

If you are keen, I can add you there. Just pm me ya.

 

[precioustricia]

I guess u have to make a decision whether it's truth he is a sex addict.

He not only betray u emotional but physically.

Don't be afraid to make a decision. A leopard never change it's spot.

Don't listen to those man. They always play on the part that u will not dare to divorce. There is nothing messy as claimed by a man. He confessed to u.u can use that to file a divorce.

With so much lesson u think he can change for u? Never !

When he thinks he can't outsmart u, he will do it again.
Are u able to be hurt by him again and again

There are many other options. To you as a man only two option?

TS can file for separation if she need time to prepare. He still pay maintenance to them.

Or she can draw up a post matrimonial agreement if husband comitted the act of adultery he have to pay them full maintenance and give TS the house.

actually after i found out his paid sexs in China, we went for a post nup agreement and i will be getting the house and he needs to pay me about 65% of his salary as maintainance if he commit any infidelity again. He also transfer his salary to me every month since then. I tried to convince myself to forgive due to his addiction, but another part of me just cannot accept he had so many sex partners after me. We will be going for polygraph test cos he insisted he has confessed all but i still having doubts, anyone went for polygraph for such test before?

 

[MoeLanYong]

An unhappy marriage does more harm to the kids than having two single parents.

As a young child that seen my parents go through a traumatic divorce, I disagree.

I can be either be with my dad or my mom. It can never be complete. Ever. In my life. I cried most nights.

Before my parents divorced, even though they quarreled most times, there were some days they didn't. I felt complete. I felt that there was hope.

Such few moments matter.

When one has no food to eat, every crumb is precious.

 

[Mikiyoki]

Get tested. Im sorry but hes been hiding this since courtship? Immediately no, please wake up, its okay to rebuild your life after a failed marriage, its not okay to continue the deceit and lies, set all of you free including your kids, see.. you can never run away from the truth. I can never live with it. Facts dont change, even if he change later. Can u live with it? Why torture yourself? I choose peace over knowing that i married someone who dont exists. Self love is the most important. I strongly advise u ladies to wake up and put yourself first. Stay woke.

 

[Mikiyoki]

As a young child that seen my parents go through a traumatic divorce, I disagree.

I can be either be with my dad or my mom. It can never be complete. Ever. In my life. I cried most nights.

Before my parents divorced, even though they quarreled most times, there were some days they didn't. I felt complete. I felt that there was hope.

Such few moments matter.

When one has no food to eat, every crumb is precious.

Im sorry you didnt had the perfect family and this happened to you, but the mindset built in you isnt ideal, unhappy marriage isnt healthy, it will turn abusive and thats the last thing you want your kids to witness. You felt complete when they dont quarrel, but thats only your perception. Why go for crumbs, when each parent can give you one entire loaf seperately?

 

[MoeLanYong]

Im sorry you didnt had the perfect family and this happened to you, but the mindset built in you isnt ideal, unhappy marriage isnt healthy, it will turn abusive and thats the last thing you want your kids to witness. You felt complete when they dont quarrel, but thats only your perception. Why go for crumbs, when each parent can give you one entire loaf seperately?

That was my view when I was a 7 year old. In a broken family.

I promised myself if I can ever grow up, I will want to help someone caught in my same situation. Because no one helped me then. Now, I married 20 years and have come full circle. To carry out a promise.

My bread crumbs was the time I can spend with both parents in the same house. Yes, they fought frequently. But they are still my parents. I loved both. Why cant i have the whole bread? What manner of evil is there to take either one of my parent away from me?

You have no idea how much I suffered, and was ridiculed in school, envied, cried, attempted suicide, because of this.

From the parents end, they think it is better for the child. Because they want it to suit their own narrative. They want out of a marriage.

From the child's pov. We hurt more.

Let us grow up till 18 y.o. When we are more in control of our emotions. Then, do what you want.

 

[Mikiyoki]

That was my view when I was a 7 year old. In a broken family.

I promised myself if I can ever grow up, I will want to help someone caught in my same situation. Because no one helped me then. Now, I married 20 years and have come full circle. To carry out a promise.

My bread crumbs was the time I can spend with both parents in the same house. Yes, they fought frequently. But they are still my parents. I loved both. Why cant i have the whole bread? What manner of evil is there to take either one of my parent away from me?

You have no idea how much I suffered, and was ridiculed in school, envied, cried, attempted suicide, because of this.

From the parents end, they think it is better for the child. Because they want it to suit their own narrative. They want out of a marriage.

From the child's pov. We hurt more.

Let us grow up till 18 y.o. When we are more in control of our emotions. Then, do what you want.

I guess everyone has a different story, mine escalated to physical abuse.. this was traumatizing for boths kids and i.. i strongly discourage staying for the kids, once they grow up they will understand, as for now, do the best for them, talk to them, spend time with them, let them know, etc. kids safety and wellbeing 1st, without happy parents, you wont have happy kids.

 

[margret]

I guess everyone has a different story, mine escalated to physical abuse.. this was traumatizing for boths kids and i.. i strongly discourage staying for the kids, once they grow up they will understand, as for now, do the best for them, talk to them, spend time with them, let them know, etc. kids safety and wellbeing 1st, without happy parents, you wont have happy kids.

Yes. To a man always women must give way to the husband. They living in old times.
Nowsaday we are better educated and we know it’s better to end a toxic marriage then continue living in misery.
We should let a man take charge using violence.
If a man love a women he will not lay a finger on her


Sent from my iPhone using Forum

 

[janey09]

I guess everyone has a different story, mine escalated to physical abuse.. this was traumatizing for boths kids and i.. i strongly discourage staying for the kids, once they grow up they will understand, as for now, do the best for them, talk to them, spend time with them, let them know, etc. kids safety and wellbeing 1st, without happy parents, you wont have happy kids.

A person who never divorce will not know what we go thru.
He can talk how he went thru hardship when his parent divorce. But that should be the reason the parent didn't take care of him last time. Poor thing.

Now we women are educated and someone expect us to stay in the marriage no matter how much we were harm physically and mentally.
We take it the man we love have already died. He can still be a good father if the man wan to but if he can't fulilfiled his responsibility. We women can take over.

Don't listen to someone who have never gone thru divorce. All talk and practical only.
One more thing, divorce group is a playgroup for him to belittle those women going thru divorce

 

[margret]

A person who never divorce will not know what we go thru.
He can talk how he went thru hardship when his parent divorce. But that should be the reason the parent didn't take care of him last time. Poor thing.

Now we women are educated and someone expect us to stay in the marriage no matter how much we were harm physically and mentally.
We take it the man we love have already died. He can still be a good father if the man wan to but if he can't fulilfiled his responsibility. We women can take over.

Don't listen to someone who have never gone thru divorce. All talk and practical only.
One more thing, divorce group is a playgroup for him to belittle those women going thru divorce

Good one


Sent from my iPhone using Forum

 

[janey09]

What nonsense. I am not pointing out anyone here.
A broken marriage is sad but if u need to go thru, do it
Don't listen to those who spread nonsense must stay in marriage although the wife is very sad n might also be abused.
We are strong. If u continue staying in that marriage u won't be happy n your children will be affected.
Poor man who doesn't have a happy childhood becausr the mother doesn't know how to take care of him, and think everyone is like him.

Wake up la. And he still promoting his divorce chat group here. Don't even understand how a woman feels.

 

[Stansy]

actually after i found out his paid sexs in China, we went for a post nup agreement and i will be getting the house and he needs to pay me about 65% of his salary as maintainance if he commit any infidelity again. He also transfer his salary to me every month since then. I tried to convince myself to forgive due to his addiction, but another part of me just cannot accept he had so many sex partners after me. We will be going for polygraph test cos he insisted he has confessed all but i still having doubts, anyone went for polygraph for such test before?

What’s the objective of having polygraph? It’s not fool proof

 

[Stansy]

actually after i found out his paid sexs in China, we went for a post nup agreement and i will be getting the house and he needs to pay me about 65% of his salary as maintainance if he commit any infidelity again. He also transfer his salary to me every month since then. I tried to convince myself to forgive due to his addiction, but another part of me just cannot accept he had so many sex partners after me. We will be going for polygraph test cos he insisted he has confessed all but i still having doubts, anyone went for polygraph for such test before?

What’s ur objective if having Pplygraph? It’s not fool proof

 

[minty_toffee]

I've went thru divorce when my kids were 9 and 3 years old. now they are in their early 20s and I've chatted with them on a so many occasions of what could life be if their parents did not divorce. Both told me that I've definitely make the right choice, they rather live with a single parent than seeing us arguing all the time. My elder one who was just in P3 that time- was already quite sensible and shared that she knows she will be safe and happy with me. A single parent family is not a broken family, as long as the parent is capable of taking care of the kids. Ensuring peace and stability in childhood is more important than having a fake "intact" family trying to be happy. My kids grew up well, not shortchanged or feeling adequate, received their tertiary education with awards etc. My ex never once initiate contact with any of them for the past few years, neither do my kids want to contact him. And (touch wood), if this is going to happen to my daughter- I will advise her the same too, we are strong independent women in today's era-so save ourselves some dignity and respect than to face with a repeated offending cheating spouse who don't even respect the marriage vows.

 

[margret]

I've went thru divorce when my kids were 9 and 3 years old. now they are in their early 20s and I've chatted with them on a so many occasions of what could life be if their parents did not divorce. Both told me that I've definitely make the right choice, they rather live with a single parent than seeing us arguing all the time. My elder one who was just in P3 that time- was already quite sensible and shared that she knows she will be safe and happy with me. A single parent family is not a broken family, as long as the parent is capable of taking care of the kids. Ensuring peace and stability in childhood is more important than having a fake "intact" family trying to be happy. My kids grew up well, not shortchanged or feeling adequate, received their tertiary education with awards etc. My ex never once initiate contact with any of them for the past few years, neither do my kids want to contact him. And (touch wood), if this is going to happen to my daughter- I will advise her the same too, we are strong independent women in today's era-so save ourselves some dignity and respect than to face with a repeated offending cheating spouse who don't even respect the marriage vows.

Yes we are more independent. We no more need to tolerate abuse and if husband have mistress we speak out do something.


Sent from my iPhone using Forum