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Do you tell your friends and family about going through fertility issues?

Discussion in 'Trying To Conceive' started by NewandConfused, Aug 14, 2017.

  1. NewandConfused

    NewandConfused New Member

    I have been trying to conceive for a while. Friends and family don't stop asking when are we going to have kids, and we always brush it off.

    Do you guys talk to your friends and families about your fertility issues?

    Spaniel likes this.

  2. Sharmin661

    Sharmin661 Member

    Only closest family members and most probably if they know they will keep recommending you to see which doc at which area. Lots of cases they met with couples with fertility issues etc. The peer pressure was so much that I didn't turn up for any family events. If I do and turn up, I simply don't reply and walk away.

    See a doc for advice if unsuccessful for v long maybe some changes will help.

    Just bear in mind you are the one bringing up the child not them it's your choice to have children or not. Not decided by them! Stay strong!
  3. NewandConfused

    NewandConfused New Member

    Hi Sharmin,

    We have started to see doctor and did fertility testings. I realized that my right fallopian tube is blocked and we might be going for IVF next. What about you? If you don't mind sharing!

    I just feel increasingly devastated because whenever there is a baby or child present, for some reason, they have to ask when's my turn. I do all I can to avoid that topic.

    And whenever I hear a pregnancy announcement of someone close to me, I cannot help but cry.
  4. missus_wong

    missus_wong Active Member

    Only close family members. :) I only shared with close friends after I got pregnant..and surely you are not alone in this. Many of us have come a long way in this journey and infertility is common. I was once exactly like you and it got so bad every time AF reports, I'd get so emotional, I stopped hanging out with married friends with kids and all. And my preggo radar would be so strong, I could sense who was pregnant without them telling me!

    It's good that you've taken the step to explore assisted contraception. :) Jiayou!
  5. Sharmin661

    Sharmin661 Member

    I think it's not only you! So please don't cry!! I have cousins expecting like fourth child and my sister who got married after me also due soon. Initially I get so frustrated with my mum who kept asking so I kinda told her if she is going to ask, I'm going to commit suicide (after which she stopped) then come to think about it, she did it out of concern. Then my sis also knew I had a hard time so she didn't really ask me and felt uncomfortable to share about her baby stuff too.

    I've been married for 3+ yrs but only started to try (Full mode) this year cos first year we were paying for wedding felt like time isn't right. Second year we were planning our new house and too hectic. Until this year we feel like it's time. But on off during the first two years I went to gynae and tcm. Just this year we went to kkh. All along I knew I will have difficulties cos of pcos. We thought let nature take its course will be ok. Apparently not.

    Don't worry! Since you already seek help, chances are higher if you seek the right treatment or method! :) just keep your faith no matter what!!! Go for a holiday and relax. I feel it helps alottttt~
  6. Hopingforbaby

    Hopingforbaby Member

    Hi, you are not alone! me too having this painful experience all along. Been trying to give myself more positive energy each time when there's news of preg from friends & relatives.. but sometimes when alone, tears will automatically drop... a lot questions to myself... why am i the one different from others? why i am the one need to go through all these while others simply get preg just for that one & first time? I'd been married since 2001... for the past years, been struggling thru wedding, house, job crisis, financial issues... all these caused me so stressed up to get preg... and now everything slowly on the track & that's when i can think of having baby of my own... & realised that i'm 37... chances of successful ivf has dropped quite alot compare to younger age group... had went for some screening checks at kkh, my right fallopian tube is partially blocked & there's a 1cm polyp on my left tube to be remove next month.. before i can proceed to ivf stage one... let's all JIAYOU & keep our faith & courage in us, to go on to the next stage, yah... jiayou!
  7. Sharmin661

    Sharmin661 Member

    Yup!! Job crisis also cos I was on the midst of changing. Now I have to settle with a lower paid job to not feel as stressed! Then sometimes feel like I'm a failure cos doesn't earn as much. Implicate more stress on myself. Hubby's support is important too!! He always tell me the more I think, the more stress. Just ignore everyone's question and be happy, if the child is yours, it will come!

    Social media is killer! Always see other ppl's life is better but people don't post their miserable life online right? So we also don't know what is going on in their lives...

    So I just keep my faith now, seek treatment, go temple pray when I have time, play with my bunnies :)
  8. babyhelp

    babyhelp Member

    Hi, I had my right Fallopian tube removed in March 2017. Feel so upset was looking forward when I test my pregnancy and it shows pregnant can't believe it when to clinic and they confirm pregnant. Then start to have spotting and doctor said maybe it's due to epotic pregnancy. Felt so so heart broken and been crying. Now only left 1 Fallopian tube and doctor said to try fast before left Fallopian tube is damage and won't be able to conceive again. Just praying hard and hope god will help us and bless us with a child. Baby dust to all of us trying to conceive
  9. grumpet

    grumpet Active Member

    Hi ladies,
    Initially I was fairly open with my struggles w my close friends and family. I felt the need to talk abt my miscarriages cos I was feeling the loss acutely.

    I still share with them, now cos I realised some single friends may not be interested / can empathise w my TTC journey. I keep it to summarised version.

    sometimes colleagues turn out to be wonderful support , esp u see them almost everyday.

    Friends who have gone thru similar journey will be the BEST support. Good to build that, could be few ppl, and u talk occasionally but u know they are there for u. I don't use social media much these days. Good to keep positive, esp when we feel envy and other non-positive thots creeping in.... cut Facebook! lol it's great :) I don't mind looking at cute baby posts, but not too much ;)

    Everyone else who may ask me, when im gonna have kids, I usually just tell them, selectively, I'm working on it or its not so easy or pray for me, even though I am not religious and good things have come my way. I do feel God has His plans for us, in His time... I feel more at peace. I get ppl who reached out to me, sometimes out of the blue, be it to share how they managed to conceive and TTC tips becos other friends accidentally spill a the beans. they mean well. littles in the form of friends :)

    Keep positive and Baby dusts !
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2017
  10. nicolemama

    nicolemama Member

    Yes, keep positive.
    I have been trying 5years+ back, as soon as I ended breastfeeding for my #1 (my #1 was miraculously a natural conception, with condom)..
    Totally understand your agony of facing probings because every body kept asking me when's my #2 since ages. (although my situation is a lil less stressful as I already had #1 - easier to push)...
    Till we decided to proceed with IVF, we have never shared with anyone (except that I went with a colleague who was TTC-ing for TCM).
    Even after deciding to do IVF, we only shared with church pastoral members and our siblings. As well as a girlfriend of mine.
    When we started the process of IVF, thats when my mum started knowing about it and that's all.
    Its crucial to let a few, really close ones, to know. Especially if that person is a lady. Because when things fails, you have someone (other than your husband to cry and rant to). You'll feel less alone.
    But I don't believe in telling the whole world because everybody will keep asking you hows things; and that's when it's going to be emotionally draining if you are trying to, at the same time, pick yourself up after failures.
    I rely on this forum alot during the 2ww etc as well. Because we are all on the same shoes :)

    So many many baby dusts to you and everyone out there!
    goggyforyoz and Nutty_hazel like this.
  11. Liljazzmint

    Liljazzmint Member

    Nope! Unfortunately none of my close friends or family have similar struggles. In fact, they are quite fertile. So I doubt they can understand my journey. And worse, they might end up asking me for more details that I can't give like is it because I waited too long etc or give me unsolicited suggestions. Some gave me a sympathetic look when I told them I'm challenged in that department and that makes me feel even worse. Even as I'm going to start my IVF, I'm keeping it a secret from everyone. Because I don't need anyone to keep asking me the outcome to stress me up. If u have friends or family who understand u and is actually supportive, then it's really great. And that is a form of blessing in itself.
  12. Sharmin661

    Sharmin661 Member

    Hey, we can't expect everyone to understand, so stay strong! There's really nothing much they can do but to share your emotional burden. Must be tough to handle it alone but you sound like a strong person! I could never be like you. At least I need to share with some people. go go go, baby dust to you!!
  13. Liljazzmint

    Liljazzmint Member

    That's why I share here. but thanks babe for the well wishes, same to u too!
  14. E_____L

    E_____L New Member

    I never share with family members except my younger sis... I feel I don't I need the pressure from families and relatives. especially MIL keep pushing us... push us more when my new sil is pregnant during wedding at 5weeks. I do share with a few close friends.. but not much as they dunno what I am going through.. they just tell you to relax and take it easy it will come. So I kind of stop telling them the progress and kept quiet. and only that 1 or 2 who still share concern to me. they didn't comment much or give alot of advise.. but they listen.. i tink this is enough? rather than.. relax it will come.. relax u will tio.. go holiday will tio.. etc...

    oh well.. baby dust to everyone here! this ttc journey is not easy really.. up and down.. disappointment and disappointment...
    I am currently at my ending of 2ww for my first SO-IUI.. blood test next monday.. and just .. i can only hope for the best. hahaha..
  15. Zcshop

    Zcshop Member

    All e best!!
  16. Liljazzmint

    Liljazzmint Member

    Ya I know right? Those advice are kind of unnecessary because it's not as easy as relaxing or going for holiday.
    Good Luck to you, hope it all works out for you!
  17. jayjayqueenie

    jayjayqueenie Active Member

    hi great thing i stumble on this thread.

    i did reveal to my relatives that i went praying because they are superstitious bunch. to hint that i dont get a baby as and when i wanted. and it's as if i got my son through the superstitious method.

    but i am perplexed by my SIL who loves children a lot but unable to get pregnant after decades of marriage. she is the sort who is always following instructions of elders. so she does not make the effort to seek help. even my hubby is also perplexed.
  18. E_____L

    E_____L New Member

    Thank you Zcshop!

    thank you Liljazzmint.. I am hoping too but not expecting it.
    I can feel the pressure from in law.. esp every year cny for the past 5 yrs.. with in law relatives.. (mil side).. asking again and again. they have so many nieces and nephews.. like why pressure me? next year will be more pressurizing because my New SIL will be bringing her newborn for CNY. I am so going to skip it if I can't bring along any bump till then...
  19. Sharmin661

    Sharmin661 Member

    I feel like just pretending I'm unwell if I can't bring any bump too. Lucky for me my husband doesn't really go visiting but friends houses. Then all those aunties (I'm younger than my hub by 4 years) will keep asking when can they give ang bao to our child. Like we just meet once a year, don't know what biz of theirs to ask. So probably no bump, no visiting at all.

    My in-laws are ok but I feel pressurised if my sil gets preggy first esp they just got married. :( I know I should feel happy as a family member but can't help to feel sad inside too.
  20. E_____L

    E_____L New Member

    I know how you felt.. because.. my sil.. is pregnant.. younger than me. got married in May this year, they tried natural. got it and was 5weeks pregnant on her wedding. Hub and I last to know because she worried we will be stressed about it. I felt like i kenna shot in the head lah.. is like death sentence. then MIL come already.. tell me sex position.. with my hub around. I am open, but i am not open enough to talk about sex with my MIL. keep pushing me for her grdchild. blame our house fengshui no good and etc. keep saying the lights shape not good and etc.

    in law relative forever asking also every single year. tell me dun wait dun wait. so luckily hub deal with it. so i just diam diam lo.
  21. Liljazzmint

    Liljazzmint Member

    Ya just skip it. Maybe they will get the hint?
  22. Liljazzmint

    Liljazzmint Member

    Have u ever had the urge to give them some sarcastic reply?
  23. Sharmin661

    Sharmin661 Member

    At least your hubby helps u to take all the arrows not do nothing. I met up with some ex colleagues(two years never meet) then usually I will just say ya give birth to 10 already, hahahaha den brush them off. Unless the person really blur until cannot realise themselves, usually they won't prompt. It's like a closed ended question.
  24. E_____L

    E_____L New Member

    Maybe? thinking of skipping it next year if no bump.

    Deeep in I do roll my eyes. Out of respect I just say ask my hub. Hub reply to them.. give me money I go and sheng now.

    So far my friends never ask about it.anyway i dun catch up with a lot of ppl also. Haahahah! Close friends that few is good enough already.
  25. Liljazzmint

    Liljazzmint Member

    Your hubby's reply is Gold! Hahaaaa
    E_____L likes this.
  26. YahisaMai

    YahisaMai Member

    I have a few girlfriends who are trying as well but I guess TTC journey is really a private journey so we do not really share lots of details with each other. I only realized one of my friend is preparing to go IVF when she managed to conceive naturally 1 month before her appointment.

    I also rely a lot on this forum to get support. It is important to know that I am not alone.
  27. Liljazzmint

    Liljazzmint Member

    U r not alone! Although its mostly a lonely journey that only those who goes through can understand.
  28. jayjayqueenie

    jayjayqueenie Active Member

    anyone has the know-it-alls in office? i went for cysts surgery end of last year because my fertility specialist advised me to do so. of course i did not tell my company that it's for fertility reasons.

    my this colleague of mine is speculating that i can't get pregnant because i foolishly went for surgery and thus harm my womb.

    next year she will be married. if she gets pregnant right after her wedding, she is going to tell me a lot more, only this time to my face. because oh well she's like so experienced.

    the best thing is, she is my age. why does she talk older i have no idea.

    i might scream if she tells me what to do again.
  29. Liljazzmint

    Liljazzmint Member

    Yep I had people educate me on the joys of parenthood and probing me why I'm not having kids, as though it's my choice.
    Maybe avoid having lunch with her or talking to her other than work related matters?
    jayjayqueenie likes this.
  30. pluto123

    pluto123 New Member

    I dont tell ppl (even my parents)when im ttc. I dont want them to keep asking me for my progress. When they first ask, i'll say if it happens it happens! Take it naturally. then some people will break into deep chats abt how great u are and how zen u are (but they dont know actually i starting to ganjiong).
    When they repeatedly ask (esp kpo aunties n colleagues), i will tell them:

    What if i have fertility issues tt i dont want to talk about, then u like tt ask me i will be depressed u know. U cant go ard doing tt to every married woman.. v bad sia. But dont worry if i pregnant i sure tell u. Then u can help me look after.

  31. minikiwi

    minikiwi Member

    agree it's really hard when kpo relatives, colleagues and frens keep asking. my hubby's grandma keeps askin every week we see her. i shared that i was going for ivf journey with my best fren but sadly we just cant connect on that level. she got preg naturally and can tell she didnt really know hw to respond. asking me if i had to undergo the knife.. if it as painful.. i just find these such noob qns and really annoyed. this ttc journey isnt easy and worst when u have no one to talk to. i havent told my family yet.. thinking how to say. partly we didnt wan qns and pressure too.. but funny enough had to tell my boss cause i was going to be on mc for so many days and she shared that she went thru the same thing 10 years ago!
    Baeksang likes this.
  32. starrain9874

    starrain9874 Member

    I get you dear. I'm on my first IVF cycle and have yet to tell my parents about it. I tried telling one of my friends about my journey but in the end, our friendship kinda broke because I realized i felt more stress and upset due to the comments he made. Some of my other friends/ colleagues knew but I dun really talk much about it and they don't really ask. I guess that works for me best. I don't need anyone to give me comments. Just listen will do.
  33. minikiwi

    minikiwi Member

    same here we have yet to tell our parents but we do know we should just say. haha my office also v kpo thinking i having morn sickness cause of all the scans i had to go to. anyway if u need someone to talk to, feel free to join our WA chat group. some of us formed a small support group ;) jiayou and u arent alone!
  34. Liljazzmint

    Liljazzmint Member

    It sucks to lose friends over this. I also don't understand why friends have to talk about baby making plans. Surely there's other things to talk about. Have u tried telling your friends that it's not necessary to keep asking?
  35. Baeksang

    Baeksang New Member

    Ive unfriended and unfollowed a lot of ppl on IG and FB
    My colleagues know cos i keep absenting from work, thank goodness they are understanding and supportive.
  36. meowmeow83

    meowmeow83 New Member

    Can I join the wa group ?
  37. Baeksang

    Baeksang New Member

    Oh my gosh. Me too! Can i.join the group?
  38. bubbles07

    bubbles07 New Member

    Me too I’m keen :) just to make more friends too
  39. PlanStork

    PlanStork Member

    Just thought to share with you, what my boss taught me and it worked for me.
    she said, everytime ppl ask when gg to haf kids, why no kids, etc, just reply them "we r trying very hard and very stress. do you have any tips for us?"
    So i tried this during CNY this year (the most feared period right cos see all the inlaw relatives haha).
    basically, when they know we are trying hard, but not getting pregnant, they will likely back off after giving a few tips cos they also paiseh keep pushing us. and they know that stress is bad for conception.
    So after this cny, all the inlaw family stop asking me already.
  40. minikiwi

    minikiwi Member

    hi sry havent been checkin recently. private msg me ur hp if u wana join us!
  41. Mbchan

    Mbchan New Member

    Hello all, a little background on myself..am also ttc-ing now.. lost track of how long though, probably close to a year.

    Myself generally fine after blood test and hyfosy.
    Hubby had low sperm count & mobility, thus was prescribe supplements & also went for ultrasound, pending results.

    So glad to chance upon this thread, pardon me as I rant a bit.

    AF was late 10 days this month and thought have chance but when it came, I felt totally broken T_T Hated the feeling of disappointment every month and felt very down.

    Career wise also not very smooth as I experience failure in interviews and not much responses for jobs openings. I guess lots of stress for me this month as I also experience unhappiness at work. My cycle is usually 30/31/32 days but was 40 for this month! Hope I didn't screw up my cycle..

    Nevertheless, I try to be positive. Wrote down all the good & not-so-good stuff in my life so I can see in perspective and hopefully find some solutions.

    Did not confide in anyone though, on our fertility struggles. Friends are all having children like it's so easy, quite envious actually. Our families have asked briefly or drop hints here and there but we just brushed it away.. I am actually very scared that this topic comes up again in our conversations cos I will not have any answer for it. I am afraid that in the end, I am trying to have kids just so I am not so different from the majority.

    Thanks for taking time to read this.. wishing myself and others out there lots of luck & baby dusts :)

    Hopefully since many doors closed on me, a new door opens.
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2017
  42. MissusK

    MissusK New Member

    Hi I'm new and have just been reading thru. This is actually a good idea. I'm sick and tired of people asking when we will have a baby. It's been 2 years since we got married and I know time is passing. Sometimes I feel like they are waiting to hear me say that we are trying and it's been difficult. Just to be able to gossip the sensational news once I'm not there. But i Guess if i went this way and told them in their faces that we're trying and ask them for tips to make them uncomfortable... it might work to get them to shut up! Thanks!!
  43. PlanStork

    PlanStork Member

    Welcome :) hope it works for u! it definitely makes them feel the pressure cos we r asking for tips. I mean how many tips can one offer right haha. When they know they have no more tips, they will also stop asking. Hehe.

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