Divorce? Really?

T

troubledguy1976

New Member
I have been married for 6 years. But I am seriously contemplating divorce. I get threatened with divorce every quarter or so. As the years pass, the trigger gets more trivial. The most outrageous incident was during last Christmas. I had dropped her off to pick up the log cake. However as there were no available parking lots, I circled around while waiting for her. I get blamed for not trying to wait for her there despite it being a single lane road with only 10 or so parallel parking lots which were filled at that time and a whole contingent waiting to drop off passengers behind me. She blamed me for not coming back sooner as I had expected her to call me. I circled round for about 20 minutes before going back. The amazing thing was that it was due to her leaving her mobile phone at home and not calling me to drop by sooner.

I had really tried to correct my mistakes to minimize triggering yet another divorce threat. And I am very tired and do not want to continue anymore.

For her, I had given up an overseas career to marry her. And made 2 career downgrades and gave up a lucrative job offer just to satisfy her various demands of my time.

I take home close to 5k and give it all to her to manage while only retaining about 200+ for my personal expenses which includes my gifts to her such as the occasional electronic gadget, branded bags and festivities flowers.

I am at a loss. Should I proceed with a divorce? We have one girl and expecting another child soon. I had married her despite earlier warning signs as I believed that after taking her virginity, I am obliged to marry her.
 


Do not speak of a divorce until she triggered once again.

Seriously speaking, though a woman myself, I find that she's being ridiculous. However, for you, my advice to you is not to look back anymore since you'd already given up the opportunities. Just concentrate on the job that you have now.

Meanwhile, let's see when she will actually trigger another round of divorce. When she actually said that, just give her a long hard look, then walk into the room, pack your bag and say, you agree. Then walk out of the house.

With this, nobody can say that you are wrong. Cos you aren't the triggering point. She is. Also, need not explain to anyone else. She can act victim to everybody... and even if so, never walk back with your tails between your leg. Hold your head high.

I believe your love for her is real. Or else you wouldn't have been so troubled by her behavior. Just that she needs a wake up call. See whether this way will make her see what she'd made you gone through?

All the best.
happy.gif
 
Take some time to visit a marriage counsellor together? I'm sure there are other positive things about her which had led to you wanting to marry her in the first place. However, over the years, due to the exhaustion from having to take care of children, household stuff etc, both of you have so much grudges about life, about each other etc that you no longer think about the positive aspects of each other.

If you opt for divorce, who will take care of the kids? Most likely wife will get the custody. You ok with that? You have to give her alimony and maintanence. Are you sure at the end of the whole thing you will be better off financially, emotionally etc?

Do go for marriage counselling first.
 
Well, since she is expecting. I will wait for the next episode one month after birth. It is just not right to do such things now. The opportunity for doing it will come again.

Why would talking to a marriage counsellor work when she believes that my juvenile behavior is what triggers her outbreak. Sometimes she packs her bags and makes an attempt to leave the house and I will always hold her back and help her unpack back to the wardrobe.

I work towards being close to her but I always get rebuffed, during non-outbreak times. For the past year or so, I no longer bother. I had highlighted to her many times that I function by being praised for effort. But she will deliberately not praise me. At the same time, she will shower her 2 guinea pigs with hugs, love and praises for coming to her.

I am ok with her getting custody, alimony and maintenance. When I said "I do", giving her maintenance is something to be expected. I have very few personal expenses. Financially, even if the court awards half my income to her, I will still have more money than what I currently have or need.

And I believe that I will have no problem finding an even higher paying job once I do not have to entertain her demands. Based on the number of headhunter calls I am fielding these days.

After I made a mental note to grant her the divorce, relatives that who saw me commented that I looked visibly lightened and more alert than normal. I had never expected such a reaction.

The strange thing is that nobody knows that she had ever threatened me with divorce. And she gives the rationale that both our folks will be disappointed at me for not making the marriage work.

Although I suspect that I might be suffering from emotional abuse. I find that difficult to believe as I am exceedingly assertive at work.
 
I admit that I am not all good. I am a workaholic but I still try my best to reach home before 8. Whenever needed, I would spend 1 or 2 evenings a week writing reports or doing late night conference calls with the US.

Looking back, I would really like to know what I could have done to prevent this irretrievable breakdown.
 
Troubledguy1976,

Don't bother to look back anymore. It can't change anything anyway. What you have to do is to look forward.

As I'd mentioned, since she's always the one doing the threatening and the motion, find one day... you do it back. She'd definitely taken you for granted.

Still pray things will turn for the better for you.
happy.gif
 
you are really a nice guy to entertain her demands. Perhaps u deserve someone better.
I'm speechless of her treatment towards u.
All the best and you also deserve to be happy .
 
hi,
let's look at both side of stories b4 jumping into conclusion.

I once took my son & went to my mum's home when I couldn't talk to my husband anymore.He is sensitive & defensive.No matter how much I explain,he couldn't see my point of view.I suffered from 4 miscarriages & he failed to give my emotional support as husband.

No one wanna divorce,but when things couldn't work & when both drifted apart,perhaps there is a beta solution.

I don't spend on buying any luxury goods.10yrs of marriage & my husband didn't bother to buy any gifts & we didn't celebrate.He is quiet,individualistics & i've given up getting close with him.

Do i wanna end up like this?I don't hv the choice.I am sure ur wife doesn't wanna this happen esp,she is expecting ur child.

I've prob getting his understanding & support.He refuse to get counseling. so what can I do?If I propose to get divorce,will he treat it as threatening?

I was once put him into priority of my life.I made drinks for him & didn't demand any additional $ fr. him.But he took me for granted.I am sick of quarreling.

Do something...perhaps after she gives birth.Don't end up like me...when resentments turn into hatred,it is difficult to salvage.
 
Last try go for counselling. At least u hv done evthg in ur capacity.

Maybe she cld be extra emo during her pregnancy? Or she feels in some ways insecure? Tatz y she is always pushing the limits to c hw much u will gv in, which to her equals to hw much u love her. Or she keeps finding faults with u to justify her feelings tt she doesnt deserve gd treatment or gd marriage.

U noe, some woman hv v low self esteem and thinks tt they r unworthy of true love. So they will keep doing thgs to prove tt they r right.

Well, ur wife has to solve watever "heart" issues she has before she can truly apprec her life.

I wonder wat will happen if u let her really walk out of the hse one of these days?
 
Of course there are always two sides to the story, what I can present would only be my biased view.

When I first went out with my wife, my gf then. She was an unassuming nice girl who carries a canvas bag with holes darned. I looked at her as a good wife/mum material as she tried cooking me stuff that was cooked and not burnt. 3 years into the marriage, she wanted to have a kid despite my reassurances that I am okay with or without kid. We tried and she conceived. After that is the slippery slope down. She became a SAHM as the pregnancy was too taxing.

I looked after all her needs very well. This is also when I started bringing back the branded bags that she asked for as I was traveling to US and Europe on business trips. I looked at them as souvenirs. Especially with my thrifty nature, I could save enough from the travel allowance to buy them.

I have always put her as a priority in terms of finances. For all electronic gadgets that I purchase for myself, I have always ensured that she had been given a gift of at least double the monetary value sometime back before I even entertain the idea of buying something for myself. Since our dating days, I have ensured that the computer/laptop that she is using is less than 3 years old. While I am typing this out in my 2nd 5 year old laptop.

While TTCing for the second one, which I conceptually objected to and raised concerns accordingly that since you are always saying that we are going to divorce, why are we still trying. She just said that she still wants to. Now as a high sex drive male, I find it very difficult to refuse the offer.

The initial triggers were over how my share of the housework cannot be completed on her timeline. The interesting thing to note is that as time goes on, we started outsourcing some of the housework. But it is always the ones that she hated. The ones that are not outsourced are either my share and stuff that she really does not mind doing. Note: she sometimes finishes my share and screams at me about why she needs to do it.

I admit that I space out whenever I am watching/reading stuff and that I do not notice my surroundings. It is just how I am, when I am concentrating on her, 101% is on her. But when I am not concentrating on her, 0% is with her. I am not like others who can leave 20% attention. Whatever I am engaged in at the moment, it will be intense.

I always try to listen to the reason to the outbreak and I always work towards improving that aspect. After a few reminders, I can even perfect that aspect. And this is where it gets interesting, if I need to be told it is a problem. It means that I do not love/care for her enough to have noticed it by myself. So she continually brings up new ways in how I am not loving/caring for her when I had just perfected the last issue she brought up. She can even say that she knows that I had put a lot of effort into resolving the last issue but she is upset by this new issue.

Regarding the threat of divorce, it took another form when we were dating. Less than a year after we started dating, she constantly cried about not wanting to hold me back from my development and asked me to leave by myself. Now as a responsible man who broke her in, it would be the epitome of irresponsibility for me to leave like this. And that was how it has evolved from even before marriage.
 
sungrapes

It has been pointed out to me that her aesthetically appealing younger sister might be creating some of the friction. She has never dated all these years while I was with my wife. And she was the one who introduced the appreciation of the "finer" things in life to my wife.
 
there r material needs & emotional needs.When emotional needs cannot be met,some will go for material needs,to get attention they wanna.

i guess ur wife couldn't figure out what she wanna.Since she decided to hv 2nd kid,it means she still wanna stay in the marriage.

perhaps getting FT maid will help in solving ur hsework issues? At home,I do everything from hsework to fixing choked pipe & dismantling bedframe.I gave up asking my husband for help coz he doesn't like to be told what to do.

She is preggie & might feel moody & needs more attn.Or does she has frds or her family to talk or rely on?Being a sahm myself,I was once subconsciously focus & rely too much on my husband.Our prob arise when i quit my job & be sahm.Then i found out i focused too much on him,slowly,i divided my attn,joined activities,went out wf frds/family....
 
when come to hsework,i learn that if one cannot wait & the person work not meeting ur requirements,either u do urself or close one eyes & outsource everything.
 
Regarding insecurity

It could be that I had transformed from a lanky unkempt boy to a slick groomed man who needs to maintain a professional image as demanded by the job that I took shortly after marriage.

She keeps on jesting whenever I come home half an hour later than usual or when I travel for work that I am meeting my mistress. I have half a heart to actually have an affair just to prove her right. But really, she is the only woman that I have ever "known", to use biblical terms.

This is despite me getting slammed by my boss for truncating essential trips and avoiding necessary trips. Sometimes I wonder why my boss puts up with my nonsense, other than the fact that I am a miracle worker with a good blend of hard and soft skills. Hard enough to know what is going wrong and soft enough to be persuasive about it to our customers. In fact, I rejected all growth development trips to global HQ.
 
It could also be that I have never experienced romantic love.

I have a weird eclectic mix of interests in my twenties while trying to find a partner. An burning interest in the sciences, a fascination with Renaissance art and an adoration for middle-aged (30+) women's forlorn love songs.

While dating around then, I quickly discovered that I will most probably not be able to find an equal. If only you had seen the facial expressions of my dates as they emerged from VCH after a SSO concert in the era when Lan Shui just started helming or a traipse through SAM when they actually have one of the more famous collections. I shudder to think what would have happened if I brought them to the small intimate plays that I used to trot up Fort Canning for.

I then decided to just find somebody who would actually be a good wife/mother.

She keeps on comparing me to her friends' more economically achieving husbands and how some of her exes used to be more emotionally concerned about her. She neglects to add the fact that none of her exes lasted more than 3 months. I never mention how my exes are better, despite knowing in my heart, if I was just going for looks, I would have married the JAL stewardess that was infatuated with me then.
 
This is getting more and more like Aunt Agony and I am suffering from verbal diarrhea.

记事本
曲:周传雄词:周传雄 陈信荣编:周传雄
翻开随身携带的记事本
写着许多事都是关於你
你讨厌被冷落
习惯被守候
寂寞才找我
我看见自己写下的心情
把自己放在卑微的后头
等你等太久
想你泪会流
而幸福快乐是什么
爱的痛了
痛的哭了
哭的累了
日记本里页页执着
记载着你的好
像上瘾的毒药
它反覆骗着我
爱的痛了
痛的哭了
哭的累了
矛盾心里总是强求
劝自己要放手
闭上眼睛让你走
烧掉日记重新来过
我看见自己写下的心情
把自己放在卑微的后头
等你等太久
想你泪会流
而幸福快乐是什么
爱的痛了
痛的哭了
哭的累了
日记本里页页执着
记载着你的好
像上瘾的毒药
它反覆骗着我
爱的痛了
痛的哭了
哭的累了
矛盾心里总是强求
劝自己要放手
闭上眼睛让你走
烧掉日记重新来过
爱的痛了
痛的哭了
哭的累了
矛盾心里总是强求
劝自己要放手
闭上眼睛让你走
烧掉日记重新来过
 
R u a christian? Becos u use "bibical" terms..then u shd noe wat god says abt divorce. Y dun u seek help frm ur pastor.?

If this is some mid life crisis u r facing, then u shdnt make ur wife suffer the consquences.

Go and splurge on smthg u like. New car, new hairstyle, new wardrobe..watever will make u feel better.

We cant just up and leave our marriages as and when right?
Rem ur marraige vows?

Y do u think of the past like the JAL stewardess? This is very dangerous direction to be thinking ok? Pls! U r the father of two kids now! Family man has its committments and scarifices.

U think none of the parents here made any scarifices on their part..? Do u think u r the only one to gv up evthg?

Marriage is not abt chging the other person, its chging urself to suit the union.

So shd i marry the sauve pilot i met when i was a stewardess? If evbody think like tat....i m shuddering.
 
sungrapes

For me, buying stuff is a long struggle internally carefully weighing the pros and cons. However, I condone all kinds of spending by my wife to make her happy.

You have to understand that she is the one who is constantly challenging the marriage. Analogy, all of us have emotional bank accounts. And she has seriously overdrawn till the bank is on the brink of collapse. Would you continue to invest in a relationship when it is painfully obvious and stated by your spouse that it is headed for eventual separation?

It is because of marriage vows/personal promise that I have tolerated for the past 7-8 years.

I do not think of the past, it formed in my mind as a retort to her mentioning how her exes are better. Do note that I held my tongue in this respect.

I am constantly changing myself to suit the union and she is constantly changing herself to test the limit of my adaptability.
 
Avocado

Your assumption is that she wants another child for the marriage. But her main reason is to ensure that our daughter is not lonely and has a playmate.
 
It is childish and unreasonable to bring out divorce during quarrels.

It shows that marriage to her is like a child's play when she can easily use divorce to threaten u.

A person who brings up divorce easily doesn't 重視婚姻.

You have to talk to her regarding this issue if not wait later snowball bigger.
 
Hi troubledguy, do you still love your wife? Have you tried to sit her down while she isn't pissed with you to talk to her about how you really feel? Being in a marriage is never easy but it takes 2 to make it work. I don't support emotional abuse, but it also seems like you are feeding her bad behavior by giving in to her every whims without voicing out when she is unreasonable. Maybe you wish to avoid a quarrel so you don't voice out, but doing so makes her feel that you have no opinions of your own, and this only makes her take advantage of you even more.

Mutual respect is very important in a marriage. I hope you spend some time talking to her instead of just keeping your mind set on a divorce.
 
agree with sungrapes!
You shouldn't just walk out from our marriage before you really make effort to save it.
How your kids will think of you if you choose to give them a broken family?

You wife might feel very insecure and too focus on you. Although she used to say want to divorce, but i know in the deep of her heart, definitely this is not she want. She just need to confirm her place in your heart, need to see how anxious and important she is in your heart.

Well, as a woman, your wife also sacrifice a lot for the family right? She spent her youth to the family, her career and even give birth for you!!

Well, fyi, pregnancy and giving birth is not as easy as pass motion. During the pregnancy, we need to go thru morning sickness, cannot simply eat what we like, stimes we get leg cramp bla bla bla.

During the process of giving birth, u cant imagine how painful our back is when doc inject the epidural to our back bone!! Guys can never imagine the pain w/o really experience it!!

So troubledguy, try to think at your wife's position. Do think about what she had done for the family instead of how unreasonable she is.

Maybe if she mention divorce again, you can sadly tell her you will agree with her if this is her wish. Then give her few days to calm down, then only talk with her properly.. but must bear in mind the purpose of talking is to improve the relationship, so try to put in to her also.

Good luck to you and wish you have a happy marriage instead =)
 
i think maybe you are too "quiet" makes her feel you are not caring her at all. Being a SAHM, need take care kids, carrying a big tummy is not easy. Sometimes ppl tend to have more babies due to need to get playmate as 1 kid is really too lonely or, house is too quiet.
i would say, think twice again. when you oledi have "divorce" words in ur mind, your mindset is whatever she had done is wrong. But have you ever really think of her gud? not always the wrong side?
 
agree with Carol & mommy poko...

She might feel insecure. Having another child to keep ur daughter companion might be one of reasons that she wanted to hv 2nd kid.

Imagine she has to go thru months of pregnancy & painful deivery. It means she loves you & cherish the family.Your baby is also the labour of love.

My husband doesn't wanna 2nd kid coz he doesn't wanna sacrifice.U've gone thru half way & making sacrifices to make her happy,don't give up.

If the woman is in doubt of her marriage,don't think she would wanna hv baby with u.
 
Men always think that SAHMs have a good time at home (since they the men are the sole breadwinner trying so hard to bring back the $$$), which is hardly true most of the time unless the SAHM has a number of maids to help out at home. Lol. The men return home after a day's work tired, so just wanna laze around. From the women's point of view, they too work very hard throughout the day and yet they don't get to rest at night. This makes the women lose their temper very easily. They expect the men to take initiative with things at home too eg if you see things lying around, help to keep them, if you see the floor dirty, help to mop etc. I can empathize with some of your wife's frustrations. Like your wife, I sometimes would tell my husband if he needs to be told what to do all the time, then he's not making enough effort.

If you don't like your wife buying branded stuff, why did you buy for her repeatedly? You've indulged her in luxury items and spoilt her. Love does not equate to buying expensive gifts.

Yes, I agree with the other mummies. If she's willing to have another child, means she doesn't expect to walk out of this marriage any time soon. Giving her time up to one month after delivery isn't fair too. A woman is most fragile during pregnancy and for months after delivery. Why must you throw her a surprise bomb (divorce) when she's most emotionally fragile? Why can't you just sit down with her now and give her advance notice that if she mentions divorce again, it'll be all over as you will agree? I think it's fairer to everyone to state these upfront. I find that very often men tend to keep quiet during quarrels, bear grudges silently, and then make decisions silently without the other person knowing what's on their mind. Shouldn't communication be the most impt thing in a relationship?
 
troubledguy1976,
I guess no one can or should tell you how your marriage would work out. Having previously faced difficult times in my marriage, I believe it would be good to go for counselling. It's not about counseling taking sides or both parties pouring out own's woes, it facilitates in the mending of the relationship. Else a short period of staying away might be good for each other to cool down and think through what it means the marriage for each.

Really hope both of you find the inner peace.
 
Troubledguy

Ask yourself seriously

1) Do you see yourself to be stuck in the same situation for the many years down the road? With your wife threatening divorce every now and then?
(believe me it is going to be worse when the children starts growing up day by day and with the school stress comes along)

2) Do you still love her? Or are you still in love with her?

3) Are you able to cope with being labeled as the person who ditch your wife and children? (supposingly you are the one filing for divorce-society will definitely stereotype you as one as somehow, law is pretty leaned towards protecting us women unfortunately--i pity you on that)


I am not an advocator of divorce being a christian myself. But i believe (as having been divorced once and now with my 2nd husband) I find that if it means a happier life for both of you, why not?

But i MUST STRESS that my case is different as i do not have any children to begin with. And my 1st hb abused me emotionally, physically and sexually..and we have not live together as hb and wife from the start..just ROMed..anyway..

1) Do try to NOT spoil her anymore, as you know if too much material goods corrupt people. She will be greedier and greedier..but of course, simple things like flowers and chocolates or even a short sms or note telling her you love her will somehow help sometimes.

2) Have a good talk with her, list down what you both agree on and which are the things that can be compromised. Give and take. Agree with some here, go outsource if possible. Given your financial ability, you both could i suppose?

3) Take up some hobbies together. Teach and influence your likes upon your wife. You said you like Lanshui, go and experience a classical evening at the esplanade without the children one day. And watch science or sci-fi shows together..like fringe or a firefly weekend marathon show. Or discovery science channels together. Rekindle the love for each other again.


PS: i disagree on some here on ''If she's willing to have another child means she doesn't expect to walk out of this marriage''-

Bcos i have encountered some women (offline and one of them is my relative) who only want children...despite hb is so call 'bad' or have some characteristic flaws. Face it, like it or not, we females only want a child or children to be called our own (blame it on the so called maternal instinct and biological clock) and that explains why some women, despite against all odds, are so adamant on having another one just because she alone wants a child so badly..or in troubleguy's case, another playmate for the older child. One lady on the other thread even went to the extend of ivf to have another child! -if you read.


I basically pity the children.


It takes two to tango and seems in your case, your partner is dancing in the opposite direction somehow for now..but do not get demoralized(easier said than done) but..

Take time to evaluate and plan where you're both heading in the next say 2 years. Then work towards that goal together.

You mentioned and admitted that you are a workaholic. Then try to cut down some work, Im not telling you to go resign or downgrade to another low paying job. But if possible, on time, go off work and don't think of work anymore, focus attention on building your relationship at home, share some child rearing responsibilities. Like reading to your child or bathe her. Make a simple meal together with your wife. Go for a family walk around the park. I am sure if you contribute these..i hope in return she'll change her behaviour towards you.

I empathize with you on the emotional abuse having been through myself..if you need a listening ear, PM me..
 
Miracle

We have talked about it in a calm manner. We have even discussed divorce settlement process (who gets what) in a casual manner. She admits that she knows that her tantrums are detrimental to the marriage and yet she still does it again.

Carol

She is the same age as me so she was not exactly nubile when we first went out. It is not so much as give birth for me as to experience motherhood for her, I did tell her that I have a slight preference against having kids.

Meowie

I do the laundry and we order tingkat. If she lets me stay at home during the weekends, I will mop the floor. I told her that I would hardly notice disorder in the house.

Gal

1 Yes and she had mentioned now that she has a second child, I can forget about getting physical as it is no longer necessary. Guess I was getting it, only for her to ensure that the plumbing still works.

2 I love her the way I love my parents, as a provider.

3 Yes

1 She has been buying for herself for a couple of years now from the allowance that I give her.

2 She refuses to outsource my share as she believes that I have to learn to do stuff.

3 She does not appreciate my interests. Case in point, I brought her to Europe to museum hop before marriage. 2 years into the marriage, she chastened me for wasting her time at the museums then.

I guess I "caught" her at the wrong time then at 28 when the ticking may have been the loudest.

You have never met a true workaholic then. Work is work, work is play. I derive great pleasure when solving yet another problem. Just that it is currently downtime season at work.
 
since u have mentioned '
We have talked about it in a calm manner. We have even discussed divorce settlement process (who gets what) in a casual manner. She admits that she knows that her tantrums are detrimental to the marriage and yet she still does it again.'

Then remind her what she had said about her tantrums. As for her sister who stir stuffs, ur parents-in-laws knows about it? If they dunno, tell them I'm sure they will tell her off.
 
Addendum
Regarding sharing interests

A year into marriage, I got barred from playing music at home. A year later. she started to play her music. When I asked for permission to play my music, she derided my choice in music and continued to bar me from playing music at home. 2 years later, when I bought a car in consideration of our girl, I was elated to find a stereo in the car and moved my full CD collection into the car. Of course, when ferrying her, she would insist on her genre of music.
 
I believe a major impediment in ladies contemplating divorce is the welfare of the kids. A bit of background would help in further understanding the issues here.

My folks live in a 3 room HDB, her folks live in a terrace in Holland-Bukit Timah. Her second sister is a successful salesperson raking in a high income and unattached. Her youngest sister is doing a PhD.

When she needed to leave her job, I started giving her an allowance while household expenses are separate. To sustain this, I had to stop giving my parents their allowance. However she still continued to give to her parents. I commented about this and she said I have no right to interfere with how she uses "her" money.
 
Then dun give her so much $$ n start to give ur folks money from now on, sorry to say this but I found ur wife is immature n selfish person. I dun believe in filial to my own parents, I'm a person filial to both sides.
 
Troubledguy, I agree with Alison that ur wife is selfish and her actions clearly shows that. For me, I think that if both parents are constantly unhappy and arguing all the time, it's better that they divorce and work out a way to provide happiness for the children instead.
She seems to have come from a very well to do family and this prolly explains why she still wants the same sort of lifestyle even after she has stopped working. Anyway, since you already have decided on having a divorce, then nothing we say here will change your mind. Just be prepared that she realises she needs you and use the kids as emotional blackmail. What will you do then?
 
Sorry no offence but the more I read, the more I think you are too to be blamed for your own predicament. Why do you have to give so much money to your wife (when you know she's just buying branded goods), leaving your poor parents living in 3-room hdb with none? This is so atrocious! No daughter in law or son should have allowed this. My in laws are both working while my parents are both not. Notwithstanding that, on a monthly basis, I personally help my husband to transfer my in laws' allowance from his account to theirs. To allow your wife to splurge while your poor parents (having painstakingly brought you up) have none, I'm surprised your conscience allowed you to do it.
 
troubledguy1976,

家家有本难念的经。Can understand ur situation right now but no matter how u have to 撑下去, because you still have kids need you at all.在怎么艰难还是会过去的。
 
The road to hell is paved with good intentions

The initial purchases were due to a confluence of guilt at leaving my wife at home while I go overseas and spending the windfall gains from the travel allowance. She then moved on to purchase them by herself.

The allowance was to give her autonomy and independence such that she will not need to stretch her hand out and ask for money from me for every little bit of small trinkets to pamper herself with after she started being a SAHM. My parents were understanding about the need to cut their allowance as they know that preparing for the arrival of a baby is very taxing on the wallet. When she first started getting her allowance, she was spending it on the baby. Which I feel is okay, but since toddlers are not as expensive as babies. She started getting other ideas.

Although I have made an internal decision. As long as that decision is not externalized, it is still not concrete. By answering your remarks, I am also trying to see how it can be salvaged. If there is a remark that I cannot satisfactorily answer, then that is something that I can look into and reflect.
 
if really can't sustain the marriage, pls think abt the children. How to reduce the "hurt" for the children after divorce is the most important thing.
 
For those of you who cling on to the notion of how a woman will have undying love for her husband and kids.

Would you storm off leaving your husband and daughter behind because they cannot catch up with you during window shopping in a foreign country?

My first thought then was" How is she going to make it back to the hotel?" as she has a poor sense of direction.

Prologue
I was bringing my daughter to the corner of every shop she was patronizing and trying to keep her entertained. This was to prevent the daughter from cramping the style of the mother whilst she was trying to shop. And she was getting annoyed that she needed to come call us every time instead of me noticing when she wants to leave a particular shop and immediately bringing the daughter along.

Pro-prologue
We had been TTCing for some time when she decided that she wanted to go for a holiday. We stop TTCing to accommodate the travel itinerary and only resumed after the trip. Well, one positive thing here is that we are quite into 鱼水之欢. And I will miss it.
 
Hi troubled guy, just want to say, women say "divorce" without really meaning it, unless you had done something seriously wrong.
In a fit of anger, women tend to say such words like "divorce". But she doesn't mean it. I am one guilty one,even when bf gf, I also mentioned "breakup" in a fit of anger numerous times.

She had given birth to one beautiful girl to you, and is going to give you another, that shows how much she loves you. She doesn't love you,she won't get intimate with you, or have any child with you.

Why can't you think of the positive aspects of her? I believe besides all the things that you don't like about her, she must have something good. You have your positive and negative traits too. We are listening to your one side of the story, but if we listen to your wife side of story, she may have alot to tell about you too!

I just think she doesn't do anything seriously wrong, like straying. Occassional throwing of tantrums are pretty common in women, especially that time of the month, isnt it?

As for branded goods, speaking for a woman point of view, we all fell preys to branded stuff.You may like to discuss with her how to better manage your finance instead of blaming her for using up all your money.

As her husband, you can try to accomodate, and love her, and appreciate her, and take good care of her. Isn't it what you have promised her to do when you put on the wedding ring on her?

I know she may not be a good wife, but she does perform her duties to you, at least she let you touch her.

Yes, think of your children. If in future, your kids ask you, how come you all divorce, will you be able to answer them without feeling any guilt?

Lastly, I hope it isn't due to you seeing another better woman out there, and the thought of divorce comes into your mind.

Marriage takes a lot of hard work to maintain. Recently just read a message going around in facebook regarding asking an old couple why they can maintain their marriage for so long, their reply was "in their times, they don't throw away things that are spoilt, they only know they must fix the things that are spoilt".

I think in our modern world, that is the problem with us, too much excess, so we just throw whatever is spoilt.

I am a woman, so I side with woman, cause I know as a woman, I do hope my husband will be understanding towards me, and love me unconditionally,and still walk hand in hand with me till I am old, even though along the way, I may make a lot of mistakes as a wife or a mother.
 
Read yr agony. U have my empathy. Just one thing I find it weird is can man make love to her woman if he is not loving her anymore? Guess answer is still yes as u guys have yr needs. Since you are expecting another child, isn't it another responsibility added on to your decision to get a divorce? It is a difficult decision really especially when children are involved now.
 
kkf,

no matter how wrong a spouse is, it is detrimental to any relationship to "threaten" to break. my DH gave me a stern warning when I first mentioned the D word due to an unhappy arguement. Since then, we have never said the D word. Certain things in a marriage is really taboo.



troubledguy,

i emphatise with u too. i think it has to depend on your tolerance level. some poeple's tolerance level is very high. u seem to belong to that category. do think of your 2 kids. they are the real victims. if ur wife is carrying a darned bag while living in a terrace house, her basic character is not that bad and i believe people do change but not very much.

i wish you all the best and i will be praying.
 
I refrained from commenting but after reading what you post, I realised that you are mostly talking about u, u, u.. on ur achievements at work, song collections n even a lyric??

It sound like a one way traffic communication. U've done this, done that for her but have you ever tot about what she actually want? n what u given to her, is that what she ever want or just you thought?

Have you ever listen to her instead of assume?

It seems that u r too biased towards her and whatever she did, u will just brush it off as tantrums.

Putting your ego aside, have you ever sit down n ask what she want? Long term goal for both of your future and where is this marriage heading to? Have both of you ever sit down n plan for the future? Saving up for the future for your retirement, kids education?

Did you discuss this with her? Even a lifetime decision like having a second child, u also assume?

I don't think anybody can stop one from give allowance to the parents bah..

A woman want to have a friend, a companion and someone who is able to talk to and not just a provider. When's the last time that both of you have a decent communication?

I don't ever think what she did is throwing tantrums but seem like u really piss the hell out of her.
 
Hi
You already know what you wan actually. So y are u still seeking for more?
Do you think all these years ur wife may have pre natal, post natal depression? She is currently preg now and u are here discussing whether should u give up this relationship.
If you are that wonderful guy mentioned above, u should do to improve ur relationship rather than complaining abt our preg wife here.

Hope u are not offended. I am a mother of two too. As a mother or daughter herself, I dont think she will stop you from giving allowance to ur parents and as a man, you can still give like Internet banking or pass to them when she is not around or can even tell her off Cse this is not a right way to treat ur parents.

Hope you can talk to your wife and solve the prob soon.
 
Susanna

Touche.

To answer in a proximal way, I constantly question her to test her resolve in having a second child. This is taken in the context that I had suggested vasectomy in the first year of marriage and both of us had actively discussed the possibility.

How do you give when there is nothing left to give?

Now stepping back to answer you. I know what she hopes to achieve in the marriage, it is highly unlikely to succeed. She discovered early on in the marriage that I am a narcissist and she set out to reform me. All of her efforts point towards that. In a way, her love is agape-like in its nature. She is willing to create incredible tension in the marriage bringing it to the brink and beyond to reform me.

To use an easy to understand analogy. If you constantly force an overweight person who works in a confectionary shop to be bulimic, just because that person snuck quite a few snacks during work and refuse to feed that person to starve back to a healthy weight. That person is going to hate you a lot. Especially since in our society, not only is narcissism as a behavior tolerated, it is encouraged based on the compensation structures of most corporations.
 
I guess anybody has a bit of narcissism in them as long as it's not serious enough to shut off all the communication.

Well, perhaps years of being a housewife might have widen the gap between both of you too.

With an additional mouth to feed, y not encourage her to return to the workforce to focus on her strength rather than pin pointing on you?

She could help to ease your burden too. Lastly, if you think what u did is right, stand firm to your beliefs and don't give in to her whims unnecessarily. We don't have to obey n say yes on whatever our partner says. We r adults, not kids.

Take some time to cool down before attempting to talk to her again. Don't give up trying if you really loves her.

No marriage is smooth sailing n it takes much much more for a marriage to last for a lifetime.
 
Fiona

There are a few levels. It can go so low as to be impossible, that's when I spend more time in the bathroom.

BTMum

Not when your sister is living the high life and buying you some of your bags to "share" the finer things in life with you.
 

Troubledguy: sometimes communication is just aint enough. If she were to read what you have written, you will see a shock in her face as she never know that you are undergoing such dilemma in your life. Of course, she will react in a defensive manners. Hence a marriage counseller is encouraged.

From what I have read, it seems like you have already made up your mind. Whatever we say, its not going to change anything.

Who will suffer the most in this marriage breakdown? Not you.. Not her... but the kids. They will be brought up with emotional scars that will be with them for the rest of their life. I am not taking the kids as an emotional blackmail but seriously Troubledguy, take time to communicate with your wife.. someone whom you used to love before.....
 
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