Disappointed in Marriage

pp1

New Member
After 5 years of marriage and with children, our relationship has gone stray... To us, we no longer recognise words like family, love, relationship, couple, respect, husband & wife etc... though I still love him. We are just like working partner whom don't see eye to eye with each other yet still have to force to work and stay with each other because of children. To him, Im just his children's mother and a trustworthy helper at home.

Everyday we are always busy with our own work and children. Our communication is mainly on children or quarrel... and nothing else. It's a norm at home. We know we must behave like father and mother yet forgotten that we are couple too! We have very good relationship with children but zero relationship with each other. No one wants to take the first step to improve, just let each day pass by...

No more intimacy, no more communication, no more respect and don't feel love anymore.
 


wsj

New Member
i had similar problem before.
feel that, you may have hope like i do.
chinese saying, one day husband and wife, hundred days of gratefulness.

keep searching for something common to talk about, to do... other than children. don't lose hope.
 

pp1

New Member
Hi Jane,

Thanks for your comfort.

It's needs two hands to clap. If one side move and the other side doesn't want to, how to do anything common?

He's a good dad. Always give 100% love to the children. Play with them, read to them. No smoking, no drinking, no staying late at night, weekdays come home straight after work, weekends stay together with children and a very good son to his parents and family members...

But to me, ignore and no respect. He always like to find fault on me, sometimes bring up small issue to complain this and that. Said that I stupid and never use brain to think!

When I tried to discipline my children, he would stand by their side and tell me off in front of them, end up we quarrelled and due to this, the children likes him more than me. Sometimes, they will say they don't want mommy....!

I thought the best time for us together is when children sleeping at night but he rather chose to watch TV by himself. I tried to talk to him but was rejected, he said he hate most when he was watching TV, I disturbed him. Of cos, I'm very pissed off with his words and feel hurt too but what can I do?

At night, he sleep with the children in a room with door close and I sleep alone in another room. I don't feel like a woman or his wife , more like his partner or employee.

I don't understand why he treated me like that? Yet he thinks he's not in wrong, the problem is at my side. Feeling bad is we still have to act happy in front of our children.

Feeling disappointed in marraige but still hoping one day, he would finally realise that i"m his wife and show me some love and repsect like a husband should do.
 

mtyh

Member
Hi Disappointment,

Try being very nice to him - get him drinks, buy him little things e.g. chocolate, welcome him home etc. Without expecting anything in return.

Try that and see what happens after a few weeks.
 

marjassg

Member
sometimes it take another partner to be absent to realise the importance of him/her.

If u are there for him everyday, he will take u for granted.
 

mtyh

Member
MAR: What you said works sometimes. But this approach has the danger of raising the level of the dispute.

Consider my earlier suggestion. When you treat a person badly, but the person treats you very nice as though you did alot for the person. How would you feel? some guilt, right? And hopefully the guilt can raise to a level when the hubby is willing to work on the marriage again.

One important aspect of it is not to expect anything in return - otherwise you'll run out of patience very soon. You may set a deadline before you stop doing it, but it is important not to expect anything in return.
 

janey09

Active Member
hi micheal. u seem to be very experience saying it work sometimes, have u got alot of experience on this.

I believed most women is like me and mar, we don't expect anything in return except love and care.And if the husband is treating the women like maid or mother of the children, is it fair. We have we done to deserve this. And the man still expect us to be super nice and try to make him come back to the marriage.

I strongly beleived take two to work, if have to be treat the husband super nice to come back to the marriage then it better to live without him!
 

chrisnil

New Member
michael, no offence, but do u feel that the wife have to treat the husband like emperor so that he will built on the marriage?

I thought it have to be the other way round? the wife does all the housework and give birth, look after the kids, and the husband should be nice to the wife.
 

marjassg

Member
micheal if the approach of going away for a couple of days will have the danger of raising the level of the dispute, then seriousily the marriage will not work. Everyone deserved a break and if the husband don't realised the importance of the wife then there is seriously something wrong.

If it take guilt to make the husband willing to work on the marriage again, then it like begging, and the wife will lose all her respect.

it's good to hear from another man. It shows how self centred they are sometimes.
 

pp1

New Member
I know Micheal's good intention. He's encouraging me to work on my marriage without giving up hope.

In fact, I tried to leave the house before. There was once we had a big quarrel and he called me "names" in front of our children. I was so angry that I left the house immediately.

But only 2 hours passed, I started missing my children. Since then, I realised that I cannot be so irresponsbile to leave my children like that.

Being a woman, I agree with MAR and Janey too. Partner (the side who's selfish to give more love) will take things for granted.

A woman loves a man and willing to marry him, what she expects are just love and care. These are so simple things from your heart yet not many husband can do it.
 

mtyh

Member
dear all,

don't get me wrong. from what disappointment said the husband is definitely in the wrong.

there are a few ways where we can approach the situation:
1. tell the husband his fault
2. be nice to him and hope he feels guilty about it
3. leave him

I urge you to think about which one has higher chance of salvaging the marriage?
 

mtyh

Member
Disappointment: how did your husband react after u come back from the quarrel? if your husband shows improvement then MAR's approach could be a solution.

There could be many solutions to a problem. I would usually suggest one that prevents the possibility of anger escalating.

Chris: the wife does not have to treat the husband like an emperor, just a bit nicer than usual. if there is a better solution I think we all will be glad to hear about it.
 

wsj

New Member
I feel going away for even only one day, may or may be good.

+ husband may miss the wife because he will realised for himself how difficult to juggle between taking care of children and housework (if he bothers) and his own tasks at the same time. and hence, start communicating when you are back.

-The husband don't even bother, or worse still, just arrange his whoever to take care of the children. housework don't care, leave it lying around (since you are coming back, you will do it). continue with his life. as if the wife is not even missing at all, or transparent.

-Husband may blame wife that she left the children alone while going for break. adding on more stuffing for disputes.

What this couple needs is communication and communication.

by the sound of it, he's doing it a bit extreme and insensitivly.

first, someone have to tell the husband, it is not good to argue in front of the children. my mil used to do that to me and hubby, resulting my eldest girl going mentally haywired, and fell sick later on. Since he's such a good father, he should not jepardize his children mental heath, by brainwashing their minds about their mother and starting argument and disagreements in front of the young minds. In short everything should be behind close doors or outside the household.

i think another way, is to use the children as excuse for channel of communication. eg. "school holidays coming, want to take the children out to dunno where to attend this event, that event?"
 

marjassg

Member
yes communicaition is defenfinitely important. But if u keep on talking while the husband just keep quiet, then it's like talking to the wall. It may make matter worse when the husband percieved it as nagging.
 

pp1

New Member
When I returned after the quarrel, my husband was sitting on the sofa watching TV. He did not ask me where I've been? We just keep quiet a few days to let thing cool down, then carry on our daily routine life again..

One thing I'm very angry is that he never apologise to me when he insulted me. He never thinks that the way he insulted me will hurt my feelings. Even if I cried, he also never comfort me. Just leave me alone till I stop crying.

He always think he's right and all the things I did were stupid.

He is what Jane's commented... Husband don't even bother and continue with life, eg. watching TV, eat, sleep etc.

A husband who never smoke, never drink, come home straight after work, weekend at home, good son, good father but treat his wife like maid, I doubt he loves me? Maybe I should not expect too much from him.
 

mtyh

Member
You should expect him to behave like what a husband should behave. It is a difficult situation but a solution needs to be worked out.

I think Jane has described the situation very clearly and you need to decide on an approach that you think will work best for you.

Again, here's the list of possible action:
1. confront him
2. leave him for a while
3. treat him nicely
4. leave him for good
5. have someone talk to him
 

pp1

New Member
To add on,

one thing I cannot figure out is that whenever we're at his parent's house with his sibling. He will be so happy. He would act so positive and so helpful... like we are a happy family in front of his family members. Things he never do for me at home, he will do it in his parent's house and he will talk to me more in his parent's house. I don't understand why must he pretend since they are his own family members?

But when comes to my family side, most of the time he keep quiet, my dad even try to create a topic to talk to him. If not, he would either sit on the sofa watch TV by himself or sleep on the sofa until I wake him up to go home.

He acted so differently in these two families. Sometimes, I really can't help feeling unfair. Even if I tell him nicely that what he did is wrong but with his character, he will not listen. I think he will tell me off again. To him, he's always not in the wrong because I am stupid!

Btw, my relationship with his parents and his siblings are very good. They are nice people and I like them. We interact a lot but I never tell them about the other side of us.
 

mtyh

Member
I'd like to share a real life story I heard.

A husband was coming home late and the wife suspect him of having an affair. The wife sought some advice and treated him nicely and did not ask him any question. One day, he knee down and cry, told his wife everything and beg for forgiveness.

Disappointment: make a judgment call and decide if this approach will work for you.
 

pp1

New Member
1. confront him - I think we will end up quarrelling.

2. leave him for a while - Maybe this can work. I'll try.

3. treat him nicely - I think this method is workable, hopefully he will be touched by my sincerity.

4. leave him for good - IMpossible for my children unless he leave me.

5. have someone talk to him - He's an egotistical person, he want face.

Thanks everyone for your concerns these few days.

I've learnt a lot from this forum. Sometimes because of family and children, we have to give in but there's always a limit. Before I give up, I'll try to save my marriage as possible.
 

wsj

New Member
you know, disappontment, my hubby have similar behaviour as yours, in front of his family/relatives/our friends (other than his nutty mother) he appears to a happily married man. whereas, at my family/relatives, he will bo chap everybody, and even fall asleep on other people's sofa.

At least you are still in good terms with your in-laws... i'm always in trouble when it comes to my mother-in-law.

Happy to see that you are trying and taking an option. May you presevere and succeed. Let us know if you are trouble again. we will look into other options.
 

tanlengleng

Active Member
Rem the days that the relationship just started,
there were lots of love, smile, laughter, communication.
There were no fault, names calling, shouting.

Now there may me more stress, due to kids, work or household chores.

Remove the naggings, calling names, shouting,
expectations, disappointments.

Think back of the times when everything 1st started,
that's where we should be.

Back to simplicity.
When is the last time we say "I love you", "I need you",
"let's go out & play without the kids",
or simple "thank you", "please"?

Jia you everyone.
 

buyerz

New Member
disappointment: what happened in the end?
My hb is like urs, he thinks hes right even whenhes wrong. everything must be done his way. i really despise him...i have lost all importance...like i dont matter and my feelings dont matter...
 

xsun

Member
disappointment,
u r not alone.
my hb also like tat, talk to him no reponse, smtimes will even fall asleep and start to snore.

leng leng,
we all rem the courtshp days..
but it takes 2 hands to clap. if you are extremely nice to sm1 and tat person treats u like invisible. u try starting a conversation and he goes 'hmm' and 'yah' all the time. then how to carry on?

i rem reading smwhere tat there muz be respect b4 there is love. i suppose these husbands alrdy lost total respect for us as humans and individuals.
 

tanlengleng

Active Member
That's the differences between men & women,
if one day they start to talk & talk,
then who listens to us?
 

bitbit

Active Member
The forum here really help and "support" mummies who faces happiness on the arrival or child or whatever as well as saness and disappointment, issues like stray hubbies etc...

Disappointent, i hope that ur issue had been solved and your situation had been improved since your 1st post here is already 1 year down the road.

Alot of mummies here face also "funny, strange, disappointing" huby (hb), even myself, even though I didn't say, but it doesn't mean that I should suffer sliently. I try to accomodate him also. So dun feel that u r alone.

Sometimes "divorce" will come out of my mouth, but hang on, I try to b forgetful and forget wad I had bluntly said out of anger.

The key is to improve, do not give up hope ok.

Come to forum often, i think with much support fm mummies here and there, there is always a way out!
 

beowie

New Member
When i read through the above posts, i really wonder how did it deteriorate from a loving and intimate couple to a couple who behaves like strangers?

I've been married for 6 years now. I don't know how to classify my marriage. It is certainly not the honeymoon stage. I think my husband and i have a loving relationship. We communicate alot and still would try to please each other often.

But sometimes, our differences can be great and i would feel awfully drained. A lot of the times now, we share our viewpoints and then let the matter rest. We try our best to respect each other's views. However, just this 'communication and trying to understand each other's perspective' (i.e. thrashing things out) can be so time-consuming and energy-sapping.

Marriage is really hard work.
 

tropical

New Member
i hv forgotten when was the last time we went out together, no present, no concern, no romance. we dont even know where is our wedding ring. He always think he is rite, wat he say is gosper truth and i must follow his tot. we had more quarrel then talk. he expect me to respect his family but dun even allow my parents to visit me during chinese new year.

he scolded me yesterday for being rude to his mum. this morning scolded me for not praying to his ancestor at 'guang ming shan'. His message was 'this is the kind of person you are, dun talk to me anymore from now onwards". - by all means, i hv wanted to ignore him long time ago.

i am full time working mum and spend my time whole heartedly for the kids. I wake up every morning at 5am to do housechores, leave home at 7am to fetch my 4 mths old gal to nanny. Evening rush to fetch bb back. then go to mil plc then fetch my 3yr son and go hm together. continue to busy till late nite when 2 kids are asleep. i am totally drained and tired.

Yet he could still use harsh words on me. i wanted separation long time ago but hang on becos i want to stay with my kids.

now i am holding back my tears while typing this. i am not sad without his care and concern, but the thought of staying with such man make me feel very pathetic. my happiness is over becos of this grave marriage.

This is only the fourth yr into our marriage...
 

hugomum

Active Member
Tropical, take care and hugz
Woman is always the one who did the most and sacrifice for our children. Do feel free to come in and let out your steam, hopefully might be able to help to release a bit
 

mtyh

Member
I attended a marriage preparation workshop many years back. And the counsellor said that we all go through 3 stages - love, lust and commitment. Overtime, love and lust will fade away, only commitment would keep a couple together.

Also, in a marriage, there will be unresolved differences, and that most, if not all couples, live with the differences.

I suggest that you try to convince your husband go for some marriage improvement / enhancement workshop, and he should realize some of his short comings through the session.

Meanwhile, count your blessing. We do not have tsunamis to destroy our homes, or terrorists who attack our buildings. Also, think only of your husband's good points, and ignore the bad ones. In this way, you will live a happier life while working towards improving your husband's behaviour.

As someone has rightly pointed out, wife is not expected to treat the husband like kings, and that a couple should share woes and happiness together. True, but confronting anyone or demanding anything when a marriage has problems clearly isn't the best solution.

If you are able to read chinese fairly well, I recommend you google 夫妻相处之道 蔡礼旭.
 

linda_ang

New Member
My gf was married since 2009. 21 feb... And last year have there wedding dinner 20-03-11. Yet thing change after all. I feel like a nightmare on. After meet this getai Chen Xiao xin and thing happend a broken married of them. Husband and Xiao xin getai singer was together up to hurt the wife deep deep by there stupid way. Keep sent the wife photo and SMS of them thing to make the wife cannt take it. I understand my gf pain inside her heart. She knw her husband since 2003 for 9 year . Yet treat her this way both of them use to be very close fre and stay in same location of there house. My gf happend her sickness now husband leave her and hurt her this way how a women could take all this by her ownself. She cannt slp and eat worry and scare of all those thing the husband and the Xiao xin wan to do to her. Why must treat my gf this sad way when my gf so in love deep with we husband for 9 year love. Husband beat my gf for more then 6 time up even end in hospital b4. But my gf forgive him few time and stil with him. Yet hurt a 软的女人.. Even my gf chose to be forgive her husband that time when she find up got this Xiao xin . She told alot of fre even infornt of her husband and the women . She stil hope her husband to be back and save the marriage. Husband fre told my gf dnt be silly women this kind of man forget about it not use anymore. How he hurt u we are guy see Liao also not happy. Even the husband knw very well wife love him so much and he stil make way to hurt my gf more deep . When my gf with her husband time her husband is no money de. My gf dnt mind spent with him together all those hard time an nv leave him stil chose to marry him. Together dem those wind wind rain rain time. Then thing change. Husband got money Liao treat her like hell spent his money on the women and buy her lv bag Rolex watch Gucci shoe and go japan holiday. When my gf apply for money in family court husband say no money all this and tt yet stil can bring tt women go Japan holiday . This kind of husband see the way he did to my gf yet stil make her til no way.
 

nicepeople

New Member
I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles and it must be an awful hard time in your life right now.
You need to find out what he really wants or is expecting from your relationship. Maybe if you take a few days each to yourself and think long and hard what you both want. It's not a time to argue about it, but a time to list the realities of life on a piece of paper at the kitchen table.
I've often quoted that Love is a choice. It is not a feeling. After the so called "spark" dwindles, it is up to us to make a choice to continue to find ways to love our partners. In the very effort to express love in actions, it sometimes cultivates a new level of love we didn't know previously could ever be with our spouse. I hope your husband will chose to love you without the feelings, and take the effort, (labour of love) to rekindle your relationship together. The sparks can grow into a flame again.
A good marriage requires effort to improve, without effort, a marriage declines. If we don’t add energy, disorder increases, gardens grow weeds, building rundown and crumble. Without work, a couple cannot progress.
When a marriage isn’t working, couples often don’t know how what went wrong – or how to fix the situation on their own. When you can’t identify the problem, it consequently becomes difficult to have a healthy marriage.
In these situations, a professional - counselling can help both parties identify problem areas and work through solutions. Marital counselling is the number one answer. If he can’t figure it out and neither can you ... you need a professional opinion ASAP!"
Because a counsellor is a neutral third-party, he or she won't get wrapped up in the heat of an argument, but instead will help partners understand each other’s' points when there are differences.
Don’t waste your tears or carry the unnecessary burdens on your shoulders. I think counselling would be an excellent idea. There are many counselling services in Singapore and I’ve had come across free counselling services in the internet. Also watch a movie called FireProof. It is about how a couple resolved a problem much like yours.
PM me if you want to watch or how to get the movie.
 

taitai

Member
Sebby, I would like to prove you are sooo wrong.

When my marriage were on the rocks, I was sooo devastated. I spoke to close friends and they advise me to see a marriage counsellors.

So cut the story short, I went to FSC. I asked for a senior counsellor as I mentioned that my case was a special one. They did! Was charged at $25/hour.

But honestly, counselling no counselling, counselling with FSC, counselling with private practitioners which you have to pay through your nose, will NOT work. Not just to me but to many of my friends/colleagues.

It WILL NOT work if your men is womanising or have affairs with other women. Don't waste time.

Cause simply -- if one party have decided to give up, its pointless to continue. During counselling, both parties must put in efforts to revive the relationship. If its infidelity, prostituting, anything to do with outside women. Forget it, it will not work.

But if its mere commnication break-down, financial issues -- perhaps a third party can neutralise the situation, and map out a plan for both parties to work things out. There is a black and white plan to work and stick to and achieve results, its measurable.

But if its third-party, flings, womanising etc. How to map out? It's about sex, love, lost of interest, how to map out?

During the old days when our grandparents live their time, do you see women throwing themselves so eagerly at men? Do you have cheap, ez access to PRCs prostitutes advertising themselves on the internet, do you have cheap PRC women coming into Singapore in flocks to entice our men here?

Do you have office affairs between colleagues? Do you have weChat, Line, online chats that men/women can access to behind the mask of a PC to chat, then meet, then have sex/affairs?

Let me tell you with such temptations with no strings attach easily available outside. Do you think LOVE can work things thru? Men being men ... are not program to LOVE. When they are faced with problems they will retreat into their little caves and hide. But with all these temptations readily available outside, when are the incentives to save their marriage. Yah sure, for a while they will behave, after a while back to square one. You see, human beings are lazy. How many successful cases out there?

Be realistic, open your eyes wide to the real world. Get to knwo the sleaze outside.

Go to Sammyboy forum for a start. YOu will be amazed by it. When I recommended this website to my many ignorant, naive girlfriends, be it married or single. They are welcomed to the "real" Singapore men's world.
 

shinco

Member
Hi TaiTai,I totally agree with you. Totally!! Frankly,no matter who we see or spoke to,it's not easy to accept. I've been through this. I know. And man,no matter how they promise that they'd change,they never change! Just not as bold as before! Serious. I've seen many of such man too!
It's only when they face problem,then they'd rmb they have a wife at home. And alot of woman out there,they'd prefer married man!
 

taitai

Member
Bottomline -- marriage can still be salvaged if no slut/bitch women or third parties in the picture.

Finance, communication, kids, inlaw issues. Perhaps the presence of a third party can help.

I share with you one of my experience when I went to the FSC to seek help before they engaged a senior counsellor to see me.

A fresh-face late 20s bright-eye, bushy-tailed lass. WTF! You counsel me? Not that I look down on her, but seriously, I do not want a "text-book" based answer.

But to give her the benefit of the doubt, I told her my problems. She sat there wide-eyed, bushy-tail still. But lost of words, I suppose and gave me some text-book answers. Sigh ...
 

taitai

Member
Indulging in unwholesome sexual activities and adultery will turn into a bird in their next lives.

WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA .... tell that to our cheating spouse, and let's see their response.

As Happy as a bird.
 

toblerone

Well-Known Member
老师吃长斋,看《因果论》好几十遍了。几乎知道是哪一个page,述说哪种因果。

每次看,每次的感触不一样,得到的结论不同。

若看到会倒背如流,老师将会跟他恭喜!

目前手头上有两本。有谁要?举手!会给你发电邮要地址。


 
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toblerone

Well-Known Member
这本如果发完了, 我可以在哪里找到呢?
《因果论》时有时没有。要的时候,找不到。不要的时候,偏偏就一大堆。

There are many venues. 经书流通处大部份在寺庙都可以找得到。

Venue 1
四马路观音堂外(只有每逢初一、十五)
See Post Number: 302 May 28, 2013 - 8:22 pm [click here]

Venue 2
新加坡居士林


View map: [click here]
 
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wsj

New Member
多谢,老师!
I was advised to seek marriage counsellors, and counsellors as well, due to the stress and depression hits real bad when Marriage was rocked. But realized no use if only me doing myself. So confront him straight in his face, he took a big steps to prevent similar confrontations. So be it if he still does it or not, at least he paid more attention to the family now, then to fling on those foreign 'workers' now.

But when I see more and more foreign pubs/chicken houses being set up, is worrying, means more and more families are being broken up like mine.
 

fjcai

New Member
i guess thats why there is saying:

a women test of love is when her husband is poor, a mans test of love is when he is rich.

or somewhere along those lines.

sorry i cant really help threadstarter much except to hope things goes smoothly soon. really sad how guys and to a certain extent girls are treating the commitment of marriage so lightly now.
 



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