blueblue,
i don't think you are being picky at all. these expectations you have of your maid are VERY normal, and she IS expected to be able to carry them out in due time.
the key is, you need to SPECIFY and EXPLAIN to your maid in GREAT detail what she needs to do everyday. and you will probably have to do this many times, until she gets it right.
like i've stressed before, a maid needs to be trained very thoroughly and this would take time. on top of that, you really must assume that she doesn't know anything and that she does not have much initiative, so you will need to tell her EXACTLY what she needs to do everyday. you will need to explain to her in detail, and you will also need to demonstrate to her.
i know this is frustrating, esp. for a working mum like yourself, but this is something you need to do if you want the maid to be able to do all the things that is expected of her.
also, you MUST give her a daily timetable, so that she has an idea of what her daily routine and chores are, and you MUST give her a list of houserules. in the houserules, you MUST include every little rule you expect her to follow, eg. in your case, cannot watch tv at auntie's hse, cannot go to bed until ALL chores are completed, at the end of the day, must check with ma'am if got anymore work to do before can go to bed, if see dirt/rubbish ard the hse, must pickup and throw away, etc. i know it may sound very trivial but you can't assume that she will know how to do these things unless it is specified to her that these are your house rules and she is expected to abide by them.
for eg, i have over 50 house rules for my maid! some of the "trivial" rules i have for her are: she cannot kiss my dd, she cannot watch tv, read newspaper or read mags while taking care of my dd, if she is taking care of my dd and my dd is watching tv, she can only have the tv turned on to Disney Playhouse or Nickelodeon channels, and NOT her Malay tv programmes, before she goes to bed at 10pm she needs to check with me if there are anymore chores to be done, if we happen to go out late (ie. till 10pm or 11pm) she is expected to help me with the nightly chores (eg prepare dd's bath, wash dd's milk bottle, sterilise bottles, boil water, etc) when we return before she can go to bed.
some of these rules may seem trivial but i feel they are necessary, and the maid must be informed of all these rules, so that she knows what is expected of her. sometimes they really have no clue that these are basic expectations, so it's up to us to let them know.
for eg, i recently had to add in another rule for my maid, which is she cannot take her evening bath until aft 9pm, aft my dd has had her bath and milk and i am putting her to bed. the reason i had to do this is because last time my maid used to have her evening bath aft 9pm, but then a few mths back she started taking it earlier and earlier, eg. hubby would come home ard 7.15pm, then he and i will have dinner while maid takes care of dd. then aft dinner at 8pm i will go bathe, and hubby will play with dd. but some days he has things to do so he will play with her for a while only and he needs the maid to watch dd, but end up hubby gotta take care of dd and wait for maid to finish bathing (she takes abt 30mins, cause she hand-washes her clothes as well) before he can go bathe and do his things!
i felt this was totally unacceptable and quite disrespectful really, that i had to put a stop to it. i mean, to me, it's really unacceptable that at 8.15pm the maid is taking her leisurely night bath, and the Sir is sitting in the living rm and taking care of dd, waiting for maid to finish bathing, before he can go bathe and do his work right?!
