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Advice on DH not interested in sex

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by fuzzynale, Jun 18, 2007.

  1. fuzzynale

    fuzzynale New Member

    Hi, i'm new here. It's a bit embarrasing for me to bring this out here but i don't really have anyone to discuss this with cos none of my friends are married so hoping can get gd advice from mummies here.

    My DH and i haven't had sex since delivery of baby. During pregnancy, we only did it once. Now baby is 15 mths old, which means i haven't had sex for over a year... My sex drive kinda high, so it drives me nuts tt my hub not like other men who pester their wives for it.

    My DH admits he has a problem... too tired or something. Our rnship is great, besides the usual bickering, but we seem to be lacking in physical intimacy, including kissing (only pecks). I'm not sure if i contributed to problem in any way. And cos we are co-sleeping with baby, and baby needs me at night so it's not like we can go for romantic trips, it's even harder to plan for sex.

    Any advice? Actually we are thinking of going for counselling for this and maybe other issues, but don't want to waste the money seeing someone who turns out to be unhelpful, so wondering if anybody can recommend a gd counsellor who specialises in this area of counselling.

  2. ozlee

    ozlee New Member

    consider letting baby sleep in his/her own cot/room? 15mths old... maybe time to graduate from daddy/mommy's bed.

    are you able to arrange for care for baby? if yes, consider taking a short mini-honey moon to get away and recharge?
  3. fuzzynale

    fuzzynale New Member

    Thanks for replying. i'm a bit reluctant... actually very reluctant to have baby move to his own room cos he's really used to sleeping with us and me nursing him to sleep, and i also enjoy it. Wish that i don't need to choose btw this and possibility of having sex life again. Was hoping i cld find alternatives tt allow me to have both.

    Anyway i think the bigger prob is that my hub doesn't have the energy or interest. Cos if he did, then we cld easily do it in the day and at other places besides the bed. And i don't have much experience so i don't know how to initiate.

    We actually joke abt our lack of sex. I complain in a teasing way and he laughs, but i wonder if we will ever do anything abt it or if we will end up having a marriage without sex.
  4. ozlee

    ozlee New Member

    feed him aphrodisiacs like chocolate, oysters, wine, strawberry n cream with champagne.
    dress seductively and make suggestions, touch him?
    wear a different perfume and ask him if it smells good?
    ask for a massage for sore shoulders and back, and legs and then undress for a proper massage?
    suggest having a bath or shower together? get some aromatci oils,, like ylang-ylang whcih have aphrodisiac properties.

    different guys have different turn-ons.

    on the other hand, as you alluded to earlier, he may feel tired or something, offer him the massage instead...

    but take it slowly cos it may also be a sign of performance anxiety that he laughs off the jokes... so, you may have to be happy with kissing and petting until you are both comfy again.

    good luck!
  5. unhappyyy

    unhappyyy New Member

  6. unhappyyy

    unhappyyy New Member


    i'm having the same problem as you. My bb is turning 2 yrs, hubby and I still doesnt have sex after i gave birth! Yes, i would admit sex drive very high. Because of this, we argued so many many times. I became very suspicious too. (He got other woman outside that was why he doesnt want me etc). Only recently then i realised he got no urge for Sex due to work stress and health problem.

    During my pregnancy, i discovered many times that he did behind my back. Get to know gals thru the internet etc. Checked his emails too and was shocked to discover more things. There and then, divource was always the words i used on him. Doesnt know whether was that post-natal blue or depression. I even think of dying. Tried talking to many friends and colleagues too. But somehow when i think back now, my feeling of our relationship was no longer as before. I hesitated with having a 2nd bb because of this. Doesnt want to regret. He doesnt go out except 1 weekday drinking or entertainment. But still, i still have suspicious. Btw, my first one was with IUI (first try)!

    For now, i only focused on my bb. The only one i'm thinking about. I doesnt mind our relationship anymore so long as my bb is happy.
  7. fuzzynale

    fuzzynale New Member

    Ozzie... thanks for your suggestions. I guess i'm more passive. Usually my hub is the one who initiates physical affection like hugs and kisses. My family is not the warm kind, whereas his is, so perhaps tt's where we got our different characters from. I know i am prob contributing to the problem by not taking any initiative except to joke abt it... but i feel awkward abt making the first move. Wish to be romanticised instead of the other way round. Even if not romanticised, it's always preferred for the guy to initiate sex... maybe i'm not as open as ladies who feel comfortable enough to seduce their DHs. Is there a solution for that? Even tried belly dancing for a while cos i heard it helps women feel less inhibited. It didn't work for me... maybe the class was too short.

    I know my DH is faithful, but he enjoys looking at porn and masturbating... which i guess many guys do. But he and i agree that this probably contributes to his sexual prob. Although right now, he says he doesn't even have the energy to feel aroused or masturbate. Which means it's quite serious rite? Not sure what can help us...

    Unhappyyy... i'm sorry to hear abt your situation. It doesn't sound like he is being unfaithful to you. I hope you don't mind me giving you advice, but having a baby does change a marriage, and it takes even more effort to do stuff tt would maintain the closeness btw the couple. Do you guys go out on dates? Try to do it at least once every 2 weeks... it may bring back the feeling.

    Well, my DH and i are ok on every aspect except in the sex department. Too bad i'm not one of those women who don't mind not having any! Hate to think that i'n not going to have any more sex for the rest of my life...
  8. unhappyyy

    unhappyyy New Member

    fuzzynale, DH and I are ok except the <font color="0077aa">sex</font> thingy.

    Have strong urge especially b4 my menses! Just hate that. And that was the period that i will go haywire... Quarrel out of nothing.

    I tried to focus on other things, go facial, shopping etc.

    I even though of removing my womb...
  9. ozlee

    ozlee New Member

    hi fuzzynale
    read somewhere that too much pornography and masturbation could condition the man so that it is harder for him to be excited cos subconsciously he gets triggered by scenarios similiar to those in the porno. One way is to join him to watch porno.just a suggestion.

    is he very stressed at work, or at home? that could contribute to his lack of energy. may want to consider healthy soups to help him get his energy back.
  10. jenbabe

    jenbabe Member

    Hi maybe this tip can be useful in case.

    Have a quickie if u can during weekends and only make sure that your kid is asleep for afternoon nap.
  11. fuzzynale

    fuzzynale New Member

    I think he's just very low in energy cos of stress and general dissatisfaction with life. Hence the need for counselling. Just that we don't know where to go, cos we don't want to end up with some inexperienced only head-knowledge counsellor.

    Ozzie... i don't know how to make soups. Hehe... i mean i prob can learn, but with a baby, i just don't have the mood or time to cook anymore. We either get takeaway or order tingkat. But thanks for the suggestion.

    Ocean... i wldn't mind quickies if my dh would initiate it. But he doesn't.
  12. openyrmind

    openyrmind Member

    tiredness is common. I feel tired most of the time too. Just have a good chat with him to find out what is the matter[​IMG]
  13. samval

    samval New Member

  14. lim

    lim New Member

    My problem is so similar to yours. My DH likes to watch pron and masturbate. We didn't have sex since I'm pregnant early last year till now and my DD is almost 9 months old.

    I did talk to my DH abt it and he admitted that his sex drive is getting lower... that he don't even feel like maturbating nowadays and it is difficult for him to get hard.

    Recently we went for a short trip to Bintan without our baby. I tot that we could try to create some romantic moments that will eventually lead to sex. To my disappointment, other than the 1st night he managed to penetrate, the next day when we tried again, he simply couldn't get hard enough to go in me. In the end, I was so disappointed and put off that I stopped him halfway in the act.

    Divorce is always in my mind cos after the birth of our DD, I find that my feelings for him has change, life between us has change and we kept quarrelling over small things and sometimes a small quarrel may lead to a big fight.

    After all the fights + the stress of being a FTWM, I just don't feel like hvg sex with my DH anymore.

    Sometimes I really can't help thinking will we end up in divorce or not.
  15. jenbabe

    jenbabe Member


    i c.. Oh yes maybe u can try the morning sex before breakfast which I picked a tip from Her World September mag. I realised that my DH also got morning erections too, making it easier to hv a quickie before going to work. See if u can try that tip. For myself, it does not always work for us as my dh has to get up @ 5am plus n go off to camp.

    However, sadly to say that my feelings towards my dh is gone. I meant i feel nothing whenever i see my hb nowadays.
  16. ozlee

    ozlee New Member

    hi mummies
    its sad to read that your feelings for your hubbies have diminished after the arrival of your children... and allowing thoughts of divorce to even come to mind.

    becoming a pair of parents is a change from being a childless couple. where you once would go for a weekend getaway, drive around for nice restaurants and park-tor spots, or laze about at pool side, you now have to plan your lives around a sensitive little baby, who can communicate with cries. We used to like eating at hawker centres, seeking out famous, recommended and novel hawker foods, we now select our eating out options based on whether they have space to squeeze in a stroller on the side, whether they are noisy, whether there is parking nearby and if there is time before his next feed. Going out was picking up the wallet, handphone and keys, now its a whole checklist of diapers, pacifiers, milk supply, clean bottles, change of clothes etc etc...

    certainly life has changed... our time for each other has too... no more lovey-dovey, teasing and gentle massages before sleep. By the time bed time comes around, we just want to make sure baby is fed and changed, mommy has expressed milk and the brains shut off the moment the feet touch the bedroom floor!

    its so easy to transfer all our love to that helpless little bundle that need us so much more that we forget to keep some for the other person we promised to spend the rest of our lives loving, cherishing, caring and honouring.

    sure, sex is a big part of relationship... actually intimacy is... but it is not everything. somehow, take care of the heart and soul, and let the sex come... rush it, and you realise that it is even more stressful.

    we will all grow old and lose our sex drives, and hopefully that happens before we lose our memories and brains... and forget why we loved each other in the first place.

    try to squeeze in a gentle squeeze, a loving word, a teasing wink, and quick morning/night kiss... maybe that loving feeling will come back.

    if you are more communicative, write short notes, like you would with your school day crush...

    if you can cook, cook something nice... cook something nice together... if not, try to see if any relative would take baby for a few hours on the weekend and go to a nice restaurant or movie... go dating... to rediscover each other... not with the goal of getting each other in bed at the end of the date...

    if you do get in bed... don't be disappointed that hubby has now added a spare tyre over the few months... or that he is no longer the sex machine that he once was... probably you should be glad that he is not... cos he probably would "perform" better if he had been "practising" on the sly... be happy with the extra cushion and the extra time for foreplay and hugs... it will all come back.. your sensitivity and his stamina and responsiveness

    remember, being parents does not mean that you are no longer lovers... just that loving each other has taken on a whole new meaning and significance because you now have something that was the product of your love to show off.

    happy romancing.
  17. ozlee

    ozlee New Member

    sorry, repost.. cos hung the first time
  18. lim

    lim New Member

    Hi Ozzie,

    I was listening to Class 95 FM this morning where Glen and FD was saying that marraige needs to be worked on and must work real hard.

    How true it is. As a 21st century women, we are so caught up with our careers, kids, family, etc that sometimes we just take things for granted, esp our partner.
  19. ozlee

    ozlee New Member

    yes... too often parents work hard to take care of the little helpless baby... but forget that there is also big "baby" who needs some TLC too.

    heard of siblings getting jealous? dun be surprised if fathers and mothers get jealous too.
  20. wean_love

    wean_love New Member

    Hi Mummies,

    How I wish my wife have as high a sex drive as you ladies.
    Since my wife is pragnent with our 2nd a year ago, we've not have sex since. I've tried discussing 'bout it, arouse her, feed her chocolate, etc. None works. I still love my wife alot but one year without sex, is that normal?
  21. ozlee

    ozlee New Member

    apart from that, do you have other expressions of intimacy?
    what did she say to your discussions? does she see sex as a means to have babies, which means she may see her "mission" as completed?
    or is she uncomfortable being intimate with children around... or too tired?
    suggest you start with giving her a massage...sometimes skin-to-skin interaction is more effective than oysters, chocolate, champagne and diamonds... buy a nice massage oil from bodyshop, tns or evelyn & crabtree... and then proceed from there...
    have patience, probably need to "court her" all over again cos your role in her life is more "father to my children" than "husband"...
  22. reddates

    reddates New Member

    I would go on dates with my hubby every now and then, i.e. Both of us take leave and go for movies, meals, bowling. We will do that like every 2 mths once so as to keep our relationship going ,just like paktor time.
    Go and do something that your used to do when your are dating, rekindled those feelings, even like holding each other hands, sneak some kisses or hug each other, remember the time that your are still lovey doey, you will get the feelings back. Leave bb with someone else to take care. It takes 2 hands to clap, same as relationship. Work do really stress a person out.
  23. sukiyi2006

    sukiyi2006 New Member

    ha..ha.. read at all these mummy's comment here. now then i know so many mummy same like me. facing the same problem. i've no sex with my hb after pregnant till now. almost 1yrs plus. but before i've pregnant he also don't seem like want to do. is really different compare to other guy. he got no other girl 100% bcos 7days stay at home with me. i try to talk to him many times. he always change topic. no choice.. have to end up like without sex forever lor..
  24. kiss

    kiss New Member

    Then too bad if no sex from hubby. Look like there is no hope for more babies.. Guess maybe time to close my "factory". I shd kick away my hubby n look for active rabbit...
  25. sukiyi2006

    sukiyi2006 New Member

    what to do? now those man so stress for work. Even "ye hua" also don't want to touch lor... Singapore where got hope? Babies getting lesser and lesser.... Really don't understand him lah, everyday said want to train for marathon... not keen in sex... siao MAN. not interested at all. Me not too fat le, look ok ok one wor... not so ugly.. like that also don't want mer!!!!!! ;p ha.. ha.. lucky i'm not so keen too. don't want don't want lor... who's care! Better don't sleep beside me lah, want to kick him to other room liao...
  26. sourgrape

    sourgrape New Member

    surprise to see that some hubbies are not interested in sex at all... thought guys always have that in mind.
    maybe as a wife, we can do something to arouse our man? get a sexy lingerie, give him a massage after a hard day, some liquor may help 2.
    very important think we must also upkeep our own image even though we are married with kids liao.
  27. sukiyi2006

    sukiyi2006 New Member

    got baby &amp; MIL at home, how to do all these thing. Care for baby already so tired. Some more baby sleep in the same room. hard to do lah....
  28. jenbabe

    jenbabe Member


    Also agree with u too.. very difficult to do it at home with toddler n MIL. even at home, try do it n what if the toddler opens the door n run in then how.. sure malu...
  29. sourgrape

    sourgrape New Member

    oops, me not staying with MIL so only take care of the kids' part. Will get them to sleep early then locked our door...[​IMG]
    guess each of our situation is different... jus sharing...
  30. sukiyi2006

    sukiyi2006 New Member

    you so good... your kids sleep separately, my baby sleep with us le...only 3month ++ baby
  31. sourgrape

    sourgrape New Member

    hey, i went through that phase also... afraid of waking up the baby in the mist of ML, worried this and that... can understand how u feel... only thing i don't stay with in-laws which make it easier for me in a sense (can ML in other rooms in the house) haha. [​IMG]
  32. sukiyi2006

    sukiyi2006 New Member

    hi ocean, if usual we didnt lock the door, sudden lock it, sure MIL know what's happening also feel "pah sei" oh... ha..ha...

    never mind since got sexless for so long, hb also not keen... man only attract to those "big breast" lah.. I'm not oh... Ha..ha. ;p
  33. jenbabe

    jenbabe Member

    True.. there is a disadvantage for staying with pil after marriage plus toddler plus hubby's unmarried sister too. so very inconvenient to ml anywhere in the house.

    to those who can hv more privacy in their own home despite hvg children, more lucky.
  34. jenbabe

    jenbabe Member

    But now, my dh no longer hv the "mood" for it eversince he took on the new job with longer travelling distance n longer working hours recently(working hours:7am to 7pm but working place at Tuas and we stay at tampines, so terrible)
  35. sukiyi2006

    sukiyi2006 New Member

    wow.. so far away from the work place oh.. just like me lor. work at tuas stay at sembawang, have to wake up early.
  36. jenbabe

    jenbabe Member

    Yup. longer travelling and longer working hours mean he gotta wake up before 5am n get ready to go tuas for 12 hours shift work n come back home after 8pm.. how to get the "mood" for make love. a major killer!!!!!
  37. sukiyi2006

    sukiyi2006 New Member

    no choice lor, wait till weekend or offday lor.
  38. bens_mummy

    bens_mummy New Member

    How about taking the afternoon off from work to have a rendevous with your hubby during a workday? Can book a hotel or if possible, go back to an empty house when the kids are still in school/childcare/ or with the in laws?
  39. jenbabe

    jenbabe Member

    sukiyi2006, not really. Nowadays, hubby always working and working.. seems more workacholic despites the slowing down in the construction. think we lose the mood for sex sigh. so sad...

    Ben mummy. not possible in our case.
  40. sianzleh

    sianzleh New Member

    anyone's HB dun seem interested in makg love but will touch his own 'p'?
    we have no children yet!! how to have baby??
  41. babyh1

    babyh1 New Member

    hi after your period 7days to 14 day. you can make love
  42. jackprolinear

    jackprolinear New Member

    Hi to all,

    Actually you should not concentrate on the act of love making so much....it should be before the love making act. Go slow. Maybe you try to masterbate him first. Don't need to have sex yet. Do this for about a week or 2 and then progress from there.
  43. phishcracker

    phishcracker New Member

    Thats a good one jack. Arouse him, play with his 'thing'. I'm sorry i dun mean to sound crude, but men love it if u use ur mouth. =P

    Dun jump into the ML so soon. Dun make him 'cum' either. just do it slow and make sure he does smething to make u climax so it wun be a win-lose situation. Coz some men cum faster than women.
  44. phishcracker

    phishcracker New Member

    I mean dun let him 'cum' yet till both of u are ready to get it on.. Just continue to tease him. come on just spend abt 15 mins on this flirtatious foreplay with ur hubby.. see wat his reaction will be. I'm sure if u do it good he will be ready to pounce on u like a tiger.. lol.
  45. syadez

    syadez New Member

    i didn't know that there were other mummies who have sex problems after having baby.

    Me and hubs used to have it frequently, now i'm always constantly being ignored. Like most, i tried iniating and coaxing. but simply doesn't work.

    at times, it drives me crazy that I don't get it and just end up arguing with him. and even if I do get it, hubs just not interested in ensuring that I too feel satisfied. Just as long as he is, he'll just leave me like that.

    is there any way to ensure that satisfaction is garunteed for both?
  46. pildough

    pildough Member

    i'm toying with a solution.

    a new lover.
  47. twinkle2009

    twinkle2009 Member

    I also having the same problem. No sex for almost a 2 yrs, BB is now 5 months (conceived thru IVF). HB always out of town for business, only bk during wkends. Monday fly again, smtime come to think of it like no difference whether he comes back.
    As long as BB with me and healthy, I'm already contented.
    Keeps wondering if he "release" outside cos he needs to entertain and it's always night clubs. When I think of it something, I'll go insane!
  48. yernying

    yernying Member

    haha...I also got same problem.but i n my hubby still hav sex life.just become less.cos he is very busy in working.
  49. maesiew

    maesiew New Member

    Wah.. Seems like alot women like me also.


    After having bb, dun say him, I also no mood lor. cuz he works long hrs mostly is zzzzz. Most of the time is one-shot-one-kill, no shiok. So might as well don't waste my time!

    No wonder now is alot wife eat outside not hubby!!!! (No offence!!)
  50. jenbabe

    jenbabe Member

    what u mean by alot of wives eat outside????

    Btw does the mommies here also eat outside discreetly?

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