karen, I'll share some of my own thoughts with you about the typical 3yo behaviour. I find that if I can free myself from the thought that I am 'spoiling' Faye by being responsive to her feelings and showing her the same respect every chlid deserves, then I am able to parent according to my instincts without fear. And hence am able to concentrate on building and maintaining that connection between us without constantly worrying if I am doing the wrong thing.
My personal parenting 'rules' are simple- I do my best to listen to her for real- her needs, her wants, her feelings. I do what I can within my limits to work her requests into our daily life. I do these because I want to be treated with the same respect and consideration. I *try* (not that I can do this all the time, but I try darn hard) to give her as much autonomy as I can when it comes to things pertaining to her- I feel and faye has proved that a 3 yo is old enough to decide or have some say in things like what she wears, what food to eat, where to go.
I believe that its very important for a child (esp when they are older) to have good decision-making skills, and they get better as they practise more. So I do not see Faye's determination to run
her own life and make her own decisions as a flaw to correct. I see it as a good learning opportunity for us both. With each good/bad decision she makes, she learns about herself/environment/social skills.
At times when I am unable to accomodate her needs/wants due to my personal limitations, its my responsibility to be nice about it. Her reaction is her responsiblity, not mine. My job is
not to prevent tantrums/unhappiness and to ensure all things sun smoothly in her life. If a tantrum occurs, I *try* to be nice, I might let her be to vent it out or I might hold her and comfort her depending on what she needs.
I will not buy/give her material stuff/food to stuff her feelings or to stop a potential tantrum because the more prone to tantrums over material things she is, the more opportunities she needs to learn how to control her emotions better. Also, I will usually not buy her something esp when she is already upset because I dont want her to feel that her feelings can be 'bought'.
I also believe that these are all a phase that will pass. And as much as I wish I do, I do NOT do all the above perfectly all the time and doubt I ever will (there are days I yell and blow up too)
I just try darrrnnnn hard all the time and apologise when I do slip. Thats just me.
