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johnnywalker

New Member
I have been feeling depressing. Affect my work, affect my daily life. Feel like giving up on us...
I am a father of a 1 yr old daughter and a husband of a wife. Sharing my thoughts here and hoping to get some help to ease my thoughts.
Most of the mothers here had problems with mil. But despite having the problem, will you still visit your husband family. How frequent? Or how frequent does your husband go back for visit? My wife keep saying that as a husband i shalln't go back so frequent where I only go back once a month. I tried to go back more frequent so to let my parents in touch with my child when her parent are the main caregiver looking after her on weekdays. Anything wrong? My parents are not as gentle as how her parents handle the kid, so everytime after a visit, she will stress on me that they shalln't do this and that.
So to prevent that, I stop bringing my kid to them.
It has been a year. And now I am seeing that my daughter is so close to her parents and no longer close to mine. I can even feel my parents not close to my daughter. I feel very depress everytime seeing her parents play with her happily while I feel my side being neglected. So I wanted to go back to my parent more frequently, about twice a month just to have dinner. But my wife comment that we do not have maid, so I am not around if I go back so frequent I am not helping. But I make sure her mother is around when I go back. Sorry all, this is only one example. I cannot even type out the whole things here because is going to be very very long story. I need a counsellor. Can anyone recommend me one?
 


Hi,
Would it be possible for u to bring your girl over to your parent's place by yourself? At the same time, can give your wife some ME-time at home.. When I was on very bad terms with my MIL, I never wanted to visit at all.. Once a month was too much.. So my hb would take our girl over alone for visits and I appreciated the relax time I got alone at home..
 
I wish I could. There is another set of problem in my parent house. There are 2 ceiling fans installed in the living room before married. She said that my family might be too happy to carry her high up and hit by the fan. And to prevent any nagging from wife. I tell them whenever they go over my house they stay in the room. So she and daughter will never come out of living room till we going to leave.
My parent will find it weird that they rather stay in the room when living rm is much more cooling.
 
My kids are look after by my mother but we tried to bring the kids to visit my pil once a week.. if your kid stay in the room, will your parents get to play with her?
 
Have u tried telling your wife what you feel? My hubby goes back to my MIL place every weekend and our plan is to move in with them when our baby is born... although i would not say im fantastically excited about moving there ( cuz of diff living habits and inevitable quarrels) i guess thats the best solution for the time being.
For my side, i stay further away from my side so its normally a month interval that i go back to see my granny...
I think you will need to be open about how you feel with your wife... and come to a compromise.
Kids, since ur wife parents are taking care of them its for sure thwy will be close so dun need to read too much into that. Just need to make ur wife understand that u need visit ur parents just like she would want for her parents too :)
 
Yes my parent will try to play with her under close supervision from my wife. There is an incident where my mom throw a toy at her, the toy bounce and hit her, she will give me a nasty comment saying my mother don't know how to take care of baby, causing harm to her instead.
 
I did express to her how I feel but end up it get worst. Now we can only SMS about this else we will end up shouting at each other. I do not want this to happen in front of our kid.
My MIL stay with us on weekdays and weekends she will go back. She will return sunday night, so I suggest I will go back for dinner. She challenge me why I always want to go back to my home when I already have my own family. She told me her father don't go back often because he care for the family. And her mom will be looking after the baby for next 5 days, so sunday she shall rest.... I got stuck. so to me is as good as I disown my parents.
The relationship between my wife and my mom especially was ok before she gave birth. It turn bad one the very first day when baby came home. My mom who was suppose to cook her "zuo yue" meal. But because it was late about 9:00pm so she say that she might need to stay till next morning and she will go to work. I agree because if she return home will take her another 1 hr travelling time. There my wife starts to kick a big fuss, saying that my mom and myself make decision without telling her.
Now, been 2 mths and my parents haven seen my daughter. It create an emotional stress on me...
From the agreed weekly once to twice a month to now. 2mths.. I really cannot take it. Cannot go back myself cannot bring daughter back. Help....
 
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hi johnnywalker,
i am sorry to say that your wife is very selfish! ( no offend)
she only wants the kid to be close to her parents and not yours which is very wrong.
after all your kid is the 内孙 while her parent is the 外.
( I am a mother of 1 kid)

Yes.i agreed that majority daughters will tend to side her own parent's side,give priorties or everything good to her parent first.( I am also one of them)
,but also must balance out.
Since she has married to you, so cannt 分的太清楚 whose parents is whose.should treat the same equally.

you should at least visit your parent once a week with your kid ..so that the kid will know who is ah mah and ah gong.. and not only 1 side.
I think you are giving in too much to your wife..as a result she has now become the 讲花大声的 at home instead of you.
I understand that in the husband's view, you want to avoid quarrel .But this will not work out in the long run,
you will expose end up make it worst!.
I think you no need a councilor you should talk nicely to your wife and make her understand the whole situation..
 
johnnywalker said:
Yes my parent will try to play with her under close supervision from my wife. There is an incident where my mom throw a toy at her, the toy bounce and hit her, she will give me a nasty comment saying my mother don't know how to take care of baby, causing harm to her instead.
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which ah mah or ah gong will harm their grand children??? that is a very wrong remark to make
 
Problem is there is no way I can talk nicely to her. She will use " I am the mother" and I will stop and suck it all up. There may be some ah ma ah gong trying to harm their grandchild but I am sure my parents are not the one. I need someone who can take in my expression. I try talk nicely with her. but is always one sided. I cannot take it anymore. When I tried to tell her, she will tell me her side of story, so I give in again and again. While she will say she also give in a lot.
 
I did tell her about the after all " kid is the 内孙 while her parent is the 外". But she comment that she also contribute to the family, not like the olden days where Man out for work while woman stays at home. She earns more than me so eventually she will contribute more. So I am checked mate again.
I want to find out from every moms here, despite there is a conflict between you and your MIL. how you handle? Depend on husband to defense you from MIL? or use your own way? She has been emphasizing her friend and colleague husband will help to say the mother.
 
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we dont know the whole story but if you really want ur wife to allow ur parents to play with ur child then must really ensure safely.
for me i stay with mil, i had 2 children (6,8yo) and preg with 3rd now.
I never let my mil carry my baby alone since they are young although we stay together. cause mil cannot stand baby crying, once baby start to cry she will faster call her son or daughter to take over. She is limping also and one hand weaker than the other. Every time if my hubby wants to let her carry baby i will tell him he needs to sit beside in case MIL needs help.
mil also a very not clean person.... too much stories which i shall not say here till i trust maid more than her! lucky abt that cause there was once when baby is only abt 5 months old there are some renovation works going on nearby and she went to make some black sesame drink and want to feed my baby!!! OmG lucky maid is trained to ONLY listen to me! so maid told her cannot and mil angry. when i came back from work maid told me and i told my hubby and he told mil off!! Pls i try not to face to face confront mil but i will tell hubby and let him do the job. only till my children grows
up and more independent then i let her look after them during sch holidays.
we are not in ur wife shoes so we wont know, just like my sil keeps telling me to let her mum(my mil) looks after my baby if not she got nothing to do but now she got a baby and she dont dare to let her own mum looks after too!!! cause she knows all her mum incapabilities and dirtiness!! selfish ppl only know how to tell ppl and yet till her turn she dont even dare to!
Ur wife is definitely wrong tat she dont allow u to go back ur parents place even on ur own but we really dont know wat happen in the past.... regards to the ceiling fans maybe she witness too many incident that baby is almost injuried by ur parents so she becomes more careful.
 
I do not like my hubby to bring my son to my inlaws because of the way they treat my son. When my son afew months old my sil ask me put him on the floor so that she can see him roll n crawl....the floor no padding...and worst. My son is not a animal performing acrobats how can see ask me put on floor n see him perform. another time is when my fil scold my hubby for not teaching our son properly by saying. How come ur son dunno how to call me? You never teach ur son ah? Or you dunno how to teach ur son?! Whenever we bring over they will only look at my son during advertisement time else its glued to tv. Ask me to bring more oftwn but they so glue to tv wats the point. There was once. He knew we going over but spent his time in the toilet and room for hours and I was so pissed I went home.
I know they are entitled to seeing their grandchild, but what they do to my son is not something I will swallow. There are other reasons that contribute to this too.

Mayb u wan to talk to ur wife about it.
 
What is important is the open communication. State the facts. E.g. It has been two months since the grandparents see their kids. They miss her, and you feel bad for not having arranged "something". How about one of the following arrangements:
1. Everyone goes over for dinner
2. You bring baby over for dinner and she goes out shopping or just rest at home
3. Invite the granparents over.

They are grandparents, and invite or not, if push comes to shore they might invite themselves over... and then you would have no control. So the best deal is that you go over with the kid and give her some ME time.
 
I agree with Marc Jacob that your wife is too selfish. I think you should continue to voice out your thinking. I am not sure if it will work for you and your wife but it works for me. It took me 2 years to take back my rights as a mother and still hb trying to say i am selfish.
 
Yes Vac, same thing happen. There is once where my mom favorite TV is showing. She just watch her TV instead of playing with her. But that it happen only once and thereafter no more. Other than that My mom will be busy with her house chores. Regarding the ceiling fan, is her mom tell her that there are cases reported in newspaper that ceiling fan cut the child when they try to meddle with it. My wife cousin is one of them. They throw something on the fan and the blade split into pieces. So she is not taking any chance that the incident happen again.
Tried inviting them over. But afterall is not their house. I can see that they are not themselves when they were in our house. One incident happen when they came over. They stay over for the whole afternoon. My wife comment that they over stay... 2nd time, I try to hint them to go back. My wife tell them not to bring the baby out of door. But my mom just bring her out and wave bye bye to us. My wife snatch the baby saying that my mom doesn't listen.
Yes my mom seems to be stubborn. But what is wrong bring her out of the door? She say later she will cry for not going out. But when her parents are around, she will tell them to bring baby out for walk!
 
1. Everyone goes over for dinner
Never happen, her(baby) sleep time 9pm. she need to bath at 7pm. so no chance for dinner.
2. You bring baby over for dinner and she goes out shopping or just rest at home
Never happen, as mention, she want to be there with the baby to ensure baby is safe.
3. Invite the granparents over.
Now I start to feel very stress and tense whenever my parents touch the baby. I have to keep seeing my wife expression. Else after they go back, she will pick things and we quarrel again. So I decided not to let them contact as much as possible.
 
I think as a son and hubby,you are being sandwich between..
on one hand you dun wan your wife to be unhappy, on the other hand you want to be a filial son.

so you must be clear in your mind who to side ...must know what is right to say and what is wrong to say.
must be partial and side the correct one.
But at the same time, your wife must also close 1 eye la.
of cos sometime mil does something which you think no right for the kid, if not very serious type then just keep quiet lo.

as you know nowadays we are all educated and read too much internet forum ,too much knowledges and the folks are using their methods which they used to raise us up last time..so if really wrong, then tell them say like that cannot .
just like my mil ,she will always anyhow feed my kid's food,example thing like black carrot cake with soya sauce which I do not allow my kid to eat as it is sweet and I dun know whether will it cause sensitive, so I will go home and tell my hubby..
he think it is wrong and he will go and tell her mother not to do it again.

if you cannot go over to your parent's place, ask them over instead.
make it a habit and SOP that every sun they will pop over to see grandchildren.
Then naturally will become automatic.
I duno whether it works for you as now my parent's will come over to my house every sun to visit my kid and bonding time( SOP) as my hubby also not really like to go over to their place because of the neighbor next door.
 
Situation now is like a deadlock. To solve the problem either one side have to give in. Now everything is clam because I give in by not letting them meet my parents. But it affect my emotion..
 
"of cos sometime mil does something which you think no right for the kid, if not very serious type then just keep quiet lo." I usually will keep quiet, but my wife will bring it our and create a big fuss. As i said, I go over often, she will say I should not go back so often because I have my own family. Asking them over, it took them 1-1.5 hours just to travel to my house.
 
My kids when younger, they sleep at 7pm and 8pm, still we bring them out to visit their grand parents. At most they sleep later that night , maybe 9pm. They will still go back to their routine...
 
tae-yang said:
My kids when younger, they sleep at 7pm and 8pm, still we bring them out to visit their grand parents. At most they sleep later that night , maybe 9pm. They will still go back to their routine...
Click to expand...
Tried once, my wife comment that is difficult to bring her back to sleeping routine. :(
 
johnnywalker said:
Yes, she need to protect her. But by not letting the baby visiting her grandparent?
Click to expand...
that is not what I meant... protect means for the good of the baby.. eg. dun let you kid play Ipad, prevent them from getting bad eyesight. etc..
and not letting baby visits grandparents.this is wrong.
 
I need a good piece of advise what I shall do. I can feel that I am cornered now. My parents told me is ok if she don't let them see her granddaughter. They would just like me to go over for a dinner that's all. But wife do not expect me to do that.
 
there is not good piece of advise I can said. Either way u have to give up 1.
so u have to see and weight yourself .
we are not in your situation, we can only tell u and suggest.
the rest is all depends on you.家家有本难念的经.......
 
Please dont let your wife control you. You should bring your bb along for a dinner. If dinner cannot, then brunch lo..
 
Tell your wife that family ties is important and bb will learn. When bb grow up, bb will question her that why she do that..
 
Ur wife seems too possessive not only towards the bb but u as well. This is not healthy and I think u shd seek help from professional soonest.
We dun have the full picture so it's very hard for us to give u much advices. But like what others have said I think the best is to go out and have lunch/dinner with ur parents once a while cos when u r outside time passes so fast and ur wife can jus come up with some excuses to leave.. harder to find excuses when it's at home. .
I'm also a dil but I'm really grateful to have my pil taking care of my son though certain things I might not agree of their way in doing so will jus get my hubby to tell them instead of a direct clash.
In any case u should have a good talk with ur wife over this even if she flares up I think u should voice ur concerns. Marriage is not between 2 ppl but 2 families. . Indeed it is.
 
stinzy said:
Ur wife seems too possessive not only towards the bb but u as well. This is not healthy and I think u shd seek help from professional soonest.
We dun have the full picture so it's very hard for us to give u much advices. But like what others have said I think the best is to go out and have lunch/dinner with ur parents once a while cos when u r outside time passes so fast and ur wife can jus come up with some excuses to leave.. harder to find excuses when it's at home. .
I'm also a dil but I'm really grateful to have my pil taking care of my son though certain things I might not agree of their way in doing so will jus get my hubby to tell them instead of a direct clash.
In any case u should have a good talk with ur wife over this even if she flares up I think u should voice ur concerns. Marriage is not between 2 ppl but 2 families. . Indeed it is.
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Yes, really seeking for one. Any recommendation?
 
Baby 1st birthday is coming. Wanted to invite my parents but if anything happen my wife going to make a big fuss. I feel bad if I dun invite them either....
 
Hi Johnnywalker,

How is your wife behavior before and after birth? Since you mentioned that relationship with your parents were ok before your baby was born then could it be that she is suffering from depression after giving birth?
 
How do I know if she is suffering from post natal depression. Doesn't seems to like one. She behave normal as of now to me. It started when my mom say wanna stay over after cooking her meal as it was already late about 10pm after she check out from the hospital.
We agreed that her mom will be the care taker staying with us while my mom will cook for her meal and go home .Also agreed on bringing our kid to my place regularly.
Her reason is my mom like to do and decide thing on her own and I make decision without her acknowledge so taking this incident as example.
My stand is just a night stay over anything wrong? Is already late. If is early, I might drive my mom back and she can sleep on her bed. That night my mom request to sleep on Sofa. Not even requesting for pillow to sleep. And she cannot compromise for that night?
 
Also tried to explain to her why my mom stay why she do this and that. But she will say that I am siding my side.. She is not seeing my side of story seriously.
 
I am not trying to get everyone to convince my side of story. It may appear one sided. I just need to know what shall I do when I am under such situation? I am really lost and not able to make anymore decision. Anything I do is wrong, not right, never consider the family..
 
lucky i am not a man and your wife is not my wife else i would have flipped the table ...
frankly speaking you need to give her a piece of your mind ... quarrel quarrel lor no big deal ...

so what she give birth to your daugher
so what she earn more than you

did she treat you as hubby and respect your rights ? frankly speaking no... she is putting herself above you and insist you do everything according to her way ... IMHO the reason why she continue to behave like that is because you have been giving in to her ...

no doubt as a new mummy... we tend to be over protective over our children but her way of behaviour is extreme ...

sorry for saying ... but you really need to stand and behave like a hubby and a dad ...
 
PTB7674 said:
lucky i am not a man and your wife is not my wife else i would have flipped the table ...
frankly speaking you need to give her a piece of your mind ... quarrel quarrel lor no big deal ...

so what she give birth to your daugher
so what she earn more than you

did she treat you as hubby and respect your rights ? frankly speaking no... she is putting herself above you and insist you do everything according to her way ... IMHO the reason why she continue to behave like that is because you have been giving in to her ...

no doubt as a new mummy... we tend to be over protective over our children but her way of behaviour is extreme ...

sorry for saying ... but you really need to stand and behave like a hubby and a dad ...
Click to expand...
Tried, and she will say she can't stand all this nonsense and want a separation.
She said that separate before the child know what is going on. Checkmate again.
So decided to look for lights. No one around me can talk to.
 
johnnywalker said:
Tried, and she will say she can't stand all this nonsense and want a separation.
She said that separate before the child know what is going on. Checkmate again.
So decided to look for lights. No one around me can talk to.
Click to expand...

she obviously know your weak point that is why she dare to even raise the word separate ...
 
A lot of mummies has already given you the suggestions.

I think you have to firm about your stand when it comes to this issue.

Unless you are talking about your parents abusing your girl, I do not see the reason why your wife should stop you from visiting them or your parents from visiting their grandchild.

If your wife is not going to visit your parents, you will need to bring your baby to visit them, even for an hr or half per week or per two weeks is better than none, bring diaper bag and milk bottle in advance yourself if you have to...
 
I am not an expert but I remembered reading somewhere/forum that one might be behaving normally most of the time even with depression. (If I read it correctly) Perhaps can seek for some professional helps?

To me, baby can bring happiness and laughter to the family but at the same time can cause quarrels and disagreements. Which is why conflicts always start after baby was born. Both parties have to give and take.

Do you help to take care of your baby like making milk, night feeding, change diapers, etc? It will be good if you do that otherwise you may want to starts to do that so that if you want to go back to your parent's house with your baby only (if you wife don want to go along), you can convince your wife that you are capable in taking care of the baby alone :)
 
ecym said:
A lot of mummies has already given you the suggestions.

I think you have to firm about your stand when it comes to this issue.

Unless you are talking about your parents abusing your girl, I do not see the reason why your wife should stop you from visiting them or your parents from visiting their grandchild.

If your wife is not going to visit your parents, you will need to bring your baby to visit them, even for an hr or half per week or per two weeks is better than none, bring diaper bag and milk bottle in advance yourself if you have to...
Click to expand...
She already state clearly, If I want to go back with baby, can with her around. I cannot just bring baby out alone.

I wish I can help in night feed. But still doing breastfeeding. nothing I can do.
 
Do u think that ur wife is happy with her life? If she has mentioned separation, it may be a sign that she so unhappy with her current state that she is ready to give up on you. That may be why she is not willing to compromise on anything. Does she show that she still loves you beside this problem with ur parents? I think you should focus on strengthening your relationship with your wife, before tackling the issue between her and your parents. If you have a strong relationship, she might eventually trust u to bring your child out by yourself again.

Husband & wife shd be the core team that works together to make both sides happy. But when one is fundamentally unhappy, u can't expect that person to try to make anyone else happy. Do you know her love language? What is important to her and what makes her feel loved? Some people likes attention, gifts, touch, praise, or to be served. But if u give her the wrong type that she doesn't like, it may even backfire. Remember don't just do to her what you would like her to do for you. Do to her what she would like you to do to her!

Some women still believe that the man should make more money than the woman. Otherwise the man's status as the head of family, and even simple interpersonal respect, may gradually be lost.

A friend of mine told me the worst feeling is living with someone who is useless and keeps dragging u down, but you can't get rid of this person as he/she is family. You wont feel like doing anything for that person so u don't compromise on issues, but u r stuck with each other, so there r many inevitable quarrels.

If this is the case for your wife, you must work doubly hard to remind her through your actions, why she needs you and what you contribute to the relationship and family. E.g. a man who protects, a role model & good father figure for her child, a physically attractive partner, a loyal friend & listening ear, a trustworthy help & companion, a source of inspiration & advice, or someone she can be proud of in other ways. This will strengthen your position as an equal partner in the family, and expand your influence over decisions that must be made together.

Good luck, and God bless.
 


vosiez said:
Do u think that ur wife is happy with her life? If she has mentioned separation, it may be a sign that she so unhappy with her current state that she is ready to give up on you. That may be why she is not willing to compromise on anything. Does she show that she still loves you beside this problem with ur parents? I think you should focus on strengthening your relationship with your wife, before tackling the issue between her and your parents. If you have a strong relationship, she might eventually trust u to bring your child out by yourself again.

Husband & wife shd be the core team that works together to make both sides happy. But when one is fundamentally unhappy, u can't expect that person to try to make anyone else happy. Do you know her love language? What is important to her and what makes her feel loved? Some people likes attention, gifts, touch, praise, or to be served. But if u give her the wrong type that she doesn't like, it may even backfire. Remember don't just do to her what you would like her to do for you. Do to her what she would like you to do to her!

Some women still believe that the man should make more money than the woman. Otherwise the man's status as the head of family, and even simple interpersonal respect, may gradually be lost.

A friend of mine told me the worst feeling is living with someone who is useless and keeps dragging u down, but you can't get rid of this person as he/she is family. You wont feel like doing anything for that person so u don't compromise on issues, but u r stuck with each other, so there r many inevitable quarrels.

If this is the case for your wife, you must work doubly hard to remind her through your actions, why she needs you and what you contribute to the relationship and family. E.g. a man who protects, a role model & good father figure for her child, a physically attractive partner, a loyal friend & listening ear, a trustworthy help & companion, a source of inspiration & advice, or someone she can be proud of in other ways. This will strengthen your position as an equal partner in the family, and expand your influence over decisions that must be made together.

Good luck, and God bless.
Click to expand...
This could be the best advise. Yes I need to rethink of myself. I need some guidance. That's why asking for advise. asking for any counseling. You may be right that she may be unhappy of her state now. And I cannot help in anyway to help her because she do not have trust in us. Is not easy and will never be. I am not sure what I shall do next.
 
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