Hi gals,
My gf just forwarded this touching story to me. My eyes are wet after I finished reading.....It's very long, take your time to read.......
Part 1...
Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps
to our family. Our original intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and
peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as
destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too
late.
Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking
Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with
us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother
endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see
him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great
deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where
he is today.
I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has
balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant some
greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up
and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he
said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to
rest on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any
moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and
both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head
continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this
kind of panic-joy feeling.
Mother brought along her country-side habits and lifestyle with her. For
example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she
could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people
spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat the
flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will
also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled:
"Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."
Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever I came
home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she
would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home
with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they
cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it.
Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell
her the full price of everything would solve it." There begins the friction
to our otherwise happy lifestyle.
Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In
your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the
breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds
before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her
chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest. As I am a
dance teacher in the Children's Palace and is exhausted from a long day of
dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few
minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the
protest mother makes.
From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her
help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds
of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and that
resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would
scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as
not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash they again. One day, late at
night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her
bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a
difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire
night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally
ignored me. I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at
me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? we couldn't possibly die
eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?"
After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me
and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house.
During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to
please.
In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on
the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At
the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his
breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to
perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I
resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work.
That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it
because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not
to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears
as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed:
"LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice
but to return to the breakfast table.
The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a
sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my
throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I couldn't. I threw
down the bowl and rushed into the washroom and vomited everything out. Just
as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly
in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me
with fire burning in his eyes. I opened my mouth but no words came out of
it, I really didn't mean it.
We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then
stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final
stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs.
For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so
furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up
with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the
feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with
all the events happening at home, I was at the low point in my life.
Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible, you should go and see a
doctor."
The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant. Now it became clear to me why I
threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that
otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through
this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day?
At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been
three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one
look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him.
He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't
know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my
heart.
I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I
have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am
having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me round in circles of
joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started
rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one
fight? Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the
disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket.
That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the
lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing
the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit
book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me
for good. What a rational man, so clear cut in love and money matters. I
gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again.
The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a
good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a
weird look and said: "Mr Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in
the hospital." I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the
time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at
me, his face was expressionless.
I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the
tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the furneral,
hubby did say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare
at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other
people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward
the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the
country-side. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she
tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...
I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up
that morning, if we had not quarreled, if...
In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.
Part 2 and end...
Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong
liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self pity and
could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are
going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his
eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I
had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding
though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby
came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were
living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the
dead knot in his heart.
One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I
saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed
her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that
moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and
stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him,
and there is no need to say anything.
The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby
stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging
me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the
brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I
will collapse together with the baby inside me.
That night, he did not come home, he had chosen to use that as a way to
indicate to me: Following mother's death, so did our love for each other.
He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home
from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned
to take some of his stuff.
I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to
him vanished.
I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again
and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the
physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider
aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not. I insisted on having to this
baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.
One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole
house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this
piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it.
In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find
peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a
while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like
mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you
cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out
from there.
After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I
smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pull e paper towards me.
Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the
paper to him.
"LD, you are pregnant?"
Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not
control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes,
but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing
each other.
Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart,
everything seem so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never
reach them.
I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me, I had
originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the
western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold cold look in his eyes,
I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep deep scares in each
other's heart. For me, its unintentional; for him, totally intentional.
I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now,
what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated! Other than the
thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I
am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I
don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the
moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from
my heart.
Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I
will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's
room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept
quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he
would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with
him, he would then grab me and laugh. He have forgotten that last time, I
cared for him and am concerned because there is love, but now, what is
there between us?
Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing all the way till baby was born.
Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products,
children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it
stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to
reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice
but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his
computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing, but none of
that matters to me anymore.
It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late
night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into
the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for
this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding
my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brown, throughout the
journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and
hurried into the delivery suite.
Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind:
In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?
He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in, his warm eyes
caused me to managed a smile at him despite my contraction pain.
Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at me and our son, his eyes
tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand.
Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I
cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes
of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the
truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that
moment.
Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was
already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this
long. I asked the doctor when did he first discover he had cancer? Doctor
said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."
I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room
and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me.
Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I
had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote
for our son: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a
look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your
life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can
accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now
no long has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible
difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you
meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion... Son, after
writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you
through your life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your
mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the
one who loves me most..."
From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and
even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was
written there.
Hubby has also written a letter for me:
"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I
have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want
to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby... My
dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile,
thank you for loving me... These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to
our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every
year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging..."
Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over
and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son
to remember being in the warmth of your arms..."
He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in
his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button
on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang thought the air as tears
slowly rolled down my face...
