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! Should i divorce with him

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by jojolpp, Aug 5, 2010.

  1. jojolpp

    jojolpp Member

    mummies, feeling so lost now. I have catch my hubby having affair for 6 times during our 13 years marriage. We have 3 kids, 12yo, 3yo and 10month. T first 5 i choose to forgive him even dough 1 of time is his cousin as he still care for this us. But the recently one which he can completely hex care abt us....

    As his working hrs is irregualr, so when he went out at nite i will tot he is working nv expect him to lie to me as go accompany tat gal. I hv a talk with tat gal, she didnt knw tat he is married. My hubby told her he already divorce with me 1 yr ago. He really a gd liar which we both agreed. He can actually told tat gal he wan to go ROM with her next year, when we r still married. Is he planning to divorce me or lie to her only he knw. The most hurting part is he can actually ask me take cab take my 10months old baby hm when she was dicharge from hospital due to some accident also dun wan to come fetch us juz to fetch tat gal go hm from work, and ask me to take bus hm from work and fetch all the kids from my mum hsg and take bus hm again and he go fetch tat gal hm. He has nv treat us in this way even in his past 5 affair. He will send us hm safety b4 he go meet them, but this one was totally different. He can also told me he go work overnite for 2 days juz to go chalet with her, when i call him up told him my baby is having fever he also nv bother to come back but continue to stay there with her....I told him i wan a divorce coz he really too much and from the above i can c who is more important to him. He beg me to give him 1 last chance, he say he is tired of all the flirting and wan to STOP liao. He wan me to give him 1 more chance to let him prove to me, but i dun trust him anymore and will feel miserable whenever i think of hw he treat me and tat gal. Tat gal even told me he told her he married me tat time is becoz of shot gun nt becoz he love me and he has nv love me b4. U knw when i heard of it my heart is bleeding. He keep saying he love me, my kids and tis family but other hand told other gal he nv love me. I knw i got no lok and figure tat y he nv wan to hold or hug me in public coz he feel i'm a shame to him. Yet to other gal he can hold them tight in public. Wat have i done to deserve all this....i care for the family and in the end sad to say tat i have married a guy who has nv love me b4 and waste my 13 yrs of marriage...He keep saying he really love me which i cant feel at all. He say since i so hearless wan to divorce him then dun blame him for more hearless than me. He say he wan custordy of my 2nd son which is 3yo. Hv call up lawyer his advise was he can nv get the 2nd and 3rd kids as they are too young and will sure go to mummy. as for my eldest son he is big enough to make decision liao.

    Problem is should i give him chance again becoz of my kids, will he really chance....feel so trouble....wat can i do...can anyone give me advise......

  2. emeraldy

    emeraldy New Member

    Guess it's time to let go, for he don't repent at all. Doing it over and over again. Knowing you will be soft-hearted enough to forgive him and return to him. He already caught your weakness..... Hope you can realist it.
  3. redqueen

    redqueen New Member

    hmmm 5 times is a lot come to think of it, what will 1 more time do? Talk to a habitual gambler borrowing money, he will sound similar. I will not believe what he says.
  4. valdena

    valdena Member


    I would say u shld follow ur head and not ur heart.

    Logically u know exactly what u need to do.
    Unknowing to u, emotionally u try to deceive the truth.

    He simply don't deserve any more chance.
    It doesn't matter if u r attactive or not, it does not give him a reason to look else wer.

    Pls also don't take too serious abt wat that gal tells u. U nv know if wat she say is the truth or not, if she has any other motive or intention.

    Don't bother to find out more abt that gal n ur hubby. Bcos the more u know, the more u will feel hurt.

    Whether or not u were to forgive ur hubby, learn to overcome ur fear. B it the fear of leaving him or the fear of being betray again. When u manage to overcome the fear, u will b able to take things lightly n move on.

    If u need someone to talk to, feel free to contact me.
    May u b strong n brave.

  5. emeraldy

    emeraldy New Member

    Yes, as from what Val said. Nvr listen to that gal nor your hubby on what they have to say abt the affair. The more you listen, the more hurt you'll be. For... I had walked the same route. Where the gal simply told me everything that my hubby told her. I'm slashed a thousand time. The wounds can never heal, forever.

    Please do not feel afraid to lose someone. For, you're depriving a chance for yourself to find someone else much better... whom who deserved your loyalty and your love.

    I truly wish you well.... Hope happiness can come your way.
  6. owlgrass

    owlgrass New Member

    Learn to let go. Time would heal your wound. Since this is the 6th times, there would be more.
  7. marjassg

    marjassg Member

    the worse part is if he is having affairs but treat family well, then maybe is ok. But he treat TOW better your kids, so what u waiting for.
  8. sharon_ang

    sharon_ang Member

    sometimes, to stop him from doing it again, u must teach him a good lesson eg get lawayer to write a divorce petition. Then he knows u means serious, maybe he won't do it again.
  9. littlewoman

    littlewoman New Member

    Joanne: A leapord won't change its spots, especially for one who repeat the actions umpteen times.

    Are you sure you can continue to love this man? A man who betrays the wedding vows and wedding not once, not twice but 6 times? If he doesn't want to change, no person can make the changes for him either.

    I am surprised on your tolerance level but the bottomline is do you still believe his words, his promises? How many people actually make promises that it will be the last but yet repeating the same thing again and again?

    Perhaps it is realli time to review the marriage, the love and the vows?
  10. jojolpp

    jojolpp Member

    Hi all, i'm really useless...i decided to give him another chance for the sake of my 3 kids. Since he said wan me to believe him 1 last time and give him 1 last chance...he say he tired of of all the flirting and wan to stop which he has nv say he wan to stop b4 in his past affair, he only say he will try nt to but this time he say he wan to stop...i choose to believe him 1 more time becoz i really love him alot...i knw i'm useless, maybe he will or will not change but in the meantime i still choose to believe, am i deceive myself....haiz....
  11. emeraldy

    emeraldy New Member

    Is there a possibility that the feeling you had for him is not love? but dependency? You are so used to him that you fear losing him, having him out of your life? Have you differentiated it?
  12. eml_

    eml_ New Member

    during this period of get together, you may really want to pull yourself up and learn to be more independent emotionally. Get him to be more involved in the caring of the children, and have more dedicated, quality family time together, even simple activity like having dinner together at home, a stroll together at the park. Its important to talk thoroughly what both of you hope to achieve and work together towards the same goal. if you just let the matter pass without having a proper discussion, am afraid that things may just happen again. Guys like to procrastinate alot and takes a long time to action, in my opinion.
  13. september

    september Active Member

    One of his affair is his cousin? Then how can u still live with it? When u meet his cousin not paiseh meh?

    Did u think wat is he real purpose of keeping u by his side? for his parent sake so they can see their grandchildren? for his selfish reason, tat he can see his children and same time enjoy flirting outside coz he noe u nv leave him?
  14. littlewoman

    littlewoman New Member

    Joanne: we are not the parties, and thus, I won't say if it is right or wrong for you to choose the option and forgive him once again. However, you might wan to pre-empt this for yourself, talk can be empty unless actions are taken and time is the only factor that determines if he realli mean what he says.

    Not that we do not want to wish you all the best but you have to also be stronger too; coz harsh reality might prove otherwise and he might still carry on his such affairs eventually.

    You are not in self-denial but more to the fact whereby you are finding reasons to justifying your decision and actions. Only you can answer to why is that so.

    Do not trust him easily again, coz trust is to be earned and not commanded. Take things slowly to rebuild the marriage, spend some time together and see how it proceeds from there.
    Hope things are better from now onwards. [​IMG]
  15. dracano

    dracano New Member


    Your hb sounds like an habitual adulterer for committing one affair after another, despite already being found out.

    Since you've agreed to give him another chance, what I would advise you to make it clear and firmly to him that if he is make the same mistake of getting into an affair again, you will not compromise and proceed to file for divorce etc. Putting the terms in black and white may help too, depending on how you feel your hb will react to it.

    Meanwhile, figure out what are his Push factors (can't do much about those Pull factors frankly) and see if you can work towards them. He seems to be pretty concerned of his children (at least the son he wanted to fight custody for) so that could be the direction you could head towards. Be proactive in getting him involved in bonding time with the children and suggest family outings or trips to keep him busy and use up his excess energy so he won't have extra time/energy for any affairs.

    All the best!
  16. crab

    crab Member

    Hi Joanne,

    Im very sorry to hear that.. Maybe both you and your husband should go for counciling.. Go for a few sessions of good counciling... I hope it will ring his bell that what he is doing wont last. At least for the sake of your 3 lovely kids, one last try for counciling.. a real try..

    I believe some pple will change..

    My husband was a habitual gambler for the 1st 5 yeas and i brought him to IMH for counciling and we went for marriage counciling too. He has stopped from there for 5 gd years... I really thank God for that..

    I also cried myself to sleep for months and months... wondering why cant i have a normal husband..
  17. jojolpp

    jojolpp Member

    Hi all, thanks for the advice. Frankly speaking, i dunno whether will he really serious in changing but since i choose to forgive him then i will let him hv time to prove to me. Is not tat i cant leave him or depend too much on him..I'm a FTWM, i can support myself and the kids even without him but sometime tin will not always turn out to be wat we wan..i still hv 3 kids to consider, he love the kids and tat's the fact...since he make a vow he really wan to change y not i juz believe him 1 last time be it for the sake of the kids or our marriage...

    Diana, i dun think i shld feel paiseh to c his cousin while it shld be the other way round, his cousin shld feel peiseh when c me...coz she make herself a slut and shameful by doing all those tin...my MIL and FIL already knw abt it and they hv also make it know to all the relative on hw shameful they r....so u think who shld feel peiseh......

    Cheer, will counciling really help..think to go but juz afraid huby dun agree...is it free?
  18. september

    september Active Member


    Sorry,i am awkward lah....but of coz it is true tat she shld feel shameful lor....wow, so the whole clan of relative know! then she muz be hiding away le and can imagine how shameful her parents will feel.
  19. crab

    crab Member

    Hi Joanne,

    here is the link http://app1.mcys.gov.sg/IssuesTopics/StrongandStableFamilies/SupportingFamilies/FamilyServiceCentrestoSupportFamilies.aspx

    You can select the one nearest to your place.
    Previously, i went to fei yue.. I always recommend pple to go for counciling 1st before jumping into divorce coz im a living example.. From walking into marriage with divorce in my head to now, we just have our 1st bb.. 11 mths old... and he is a loving father.. Our journey was a very long and winding one.. We are the last in our group of friends to afford to start a family.

    You are so brave to have come so far.. to have endure for so many years, you really should go just 1 more step. I really hope that things will work out for your family.. and you will know what i meant by some pple will change..

    Many other very very successful woman also forgive their husbands and their relationship is so much stronger and they are so much closer compared to before. I know of 2 successful cases.. My colleage is also telling me that he is gg to divorce his wife and i strongly encourage him to bring his wife to counciling too.

    But of course, to walk through this, its not going to be easy.. but at least give it a last try..

    I sincerely wish you the best. Pray hard gal..
  20. crab

    crab Member

    Hi Joanne,

    For my husband case, he also refuse to go initially... but try to convince him..

    Or maybe u said you Want to go and he has to go with you.. Instead of asking if he Wants to go or not..

    that is the 1st hurdle.. JIA YOU! JIA YOU! JIA YOU!
  21. crab

    crab Member

    Hi Joanne,

    Sorry, I forget to answer your question coz too much to tell you. I think it should be free coz these are non profit organisation. The one i went to is free.
  22. jojolpp

    jojolpp Member

    Diana, sorry to say tat slut dun feel shameful at all..she can srill act nth happen. Really feel like give her 1 big tight slap on her face when c her face..dun think she will feel shameful la coz think she use to be a slut lor...think my hubby is nt the first relative she approach liao lor, b4 him think she did wan to seduce other cousin but unsuccessful...only my cheap hubby cannot control her seduce lor....really a slut, feel shameful for her parents.....
  23. mikerdema

    mikerdema New Member

    just read your story and I think you are really a great woman to forgive him.

    Do your best to salvage and change him for this time. Let it be your last chance to him ... get all necessary help like counselling. And give your best shot!

    But if it happens for 7th time, you have to be firm ... move on and start afresh. It is not about 13 years with him so far, but how you want to lead your life with your 3 kids for the rest of the 60 years.

    All the best!
  24. rhyea

    rhyea New Member


    He has hurt you so many times and you are still willing to forgive him. You are a brave and strong wife and mother.

    As many others have suggested, it might be good for both of you to go for marriage counseling. Maybe can try to let your parents/ in laws take care of the kids for a few hours every week and have some couple time and rekindle your love for each other again. Some men might feel neglected coz you have been devoting so much time taking care of your young ones.
  25. holeyman1

    holeyman1 New Member

    From a man's point of view ::

    Leopard cannot change its spot (Believe it)

    Harsh reality is ::

    Leave him now, your children will thank you later
  26. kkf

    kkf Active Member

    why is there such a man! i really think you shd get out of this marriage.

    Since he doesn't treasure you and the family, why still hang on to him?

    If he treasures, he will go stray for so many times!

    Be strong. life still goes on. If one door closes, another door will open.
  27. fuchsialover

    fuchsialover New Member

    he is never going to change... if he had wanted to, he would have..
  28. chocoboo

    chocoboo New Member

    Just follow ur heart, keep moving forward. [​IMG]
  29. udayavani

    udayavani New Member

    You have wrote all abt yr hubby and how you care for yr kids & family..you must be a very busy women taking care of 3 kids...kudos to u =)

    but did you spend quality time with yr hubby? were you there when he needed you?
    In the time of sexual needs..where you there for him?

    best thing is to sit down and have a heart to heart chat with yr hubby. No need to scream and be patient. Go to a quiet place and talk without yr children.
    i am sure this relation will work.
  30. angie2288

    angie2288 Member

    I agree with most of the ladies here. I think your life will be much better off without him. and all the more better for the kids too. He's not setting a good example for the kids.
    This guy needs a good kick in the ass! He doesn't know he's so blessed with a wonderful wife and 3 beautiful kids.
    He must have been having too much free time, and nothing much to worry about. life's been too good for him, until he gets bored and finding funny things to do.
    Time to move on, Joanne. Be brave. Like you've said you've wasted 13 yrs in this marriage, so what now? Waste another 13 yrs living in misery?? Haiz....
  31. snowpet

    snowpet New Member

    The answer is YES. To me, the 1st time is also the last time. I told myself No more 2nd chance... i'm sure we are all independent now to raise up the kids...thou separation is hard on all ....
  32. jojolpp

    jojolpp Member

    Hi all, sorry that i may have disappointed many of u here. I have forgive him coz of my love for him. During this period i can sense changes in him. All the tin he nv did in the past, he is nw doing it. I do not know his changes is temp or perm but i do not wan to think so much nw. He has been spend lot of times with the kids nw, show more care and love for me nw, so i choose to give him 1 last chance tis time, hopefully he is the exception case tat will really change and tresaure wat he hv...
  33. pooh3bear

    pooh3bear Active Member

    be strong and Jia You for yourself and for your kids!! it takes alot of love and determination to forgive your hb for this repeated cheating... But the decision to stay tog or to leave him, all lies with you. i hope he will wake up fm his foolish ways and learn to be a responsible and good husband and father to u n ur kids...

    What happen to u, reminds me of my friend's situation years ago...when her hb cheats on her repeatingly..
  34. todecide

    todecide Member

    do what you think is right, as it is your life afterall. it's been 13 years already, to get a divorce now i believe you'll be quite lost too. it's definately very difficult to separate...

    all the best to you! for being able to look at the bright side :)
  35. jojolpp

    jojolpp Member

    Thanks all of u for ur concern. Nw i can finally feel his love, hv a feel of going back to dating time [​IMG]
  36. penguins4u

    penguins4u New Member

    Pls be strong. I was halfway my divorce last time. But I forgave him after his much persuasions. I can't feel for you but I can tell you going through divorce or making a choice to really divorce a guy u have spent so many years with is no easy feat, especially when you have kids.
    On an objective opinion, I would still suggest a divorce cos a leopard will never change its spot. I used this on my husband every time.
    But since you've made a decision to stay with him, please protect yourself. For example, if you are the one paying for S&P, do it by giro from your single account. Childcare and school fees if it's paid by you. Keep the receipt and make sure it's written received from your name. And of cos a lot more... too lengthy for me to write it here. Keep all text message that he verbally abuse you for example. All this will help you in your divorce case should he be unfaithful to you again.
    All the best to you!
    But pls protect yourself!
  37. charliz

    charliz New Member

    Got a bit of time today so decided to go thru the forum for tips and advices on child raising. Inevitably, I clicked on a few threads on cheating / abusive partner of course the guilty ones usually being the hubby.

    This account is shared between my wife and myself.

    When I read thru some of the threads here. I noticed a sickening trend here. A confused / sad one seeking advices from the community. Very quickly, ladies will start posting notes like "leave him immediately, because he's a *insert insults here*. Followed by the "Be strong girl, we're here for you, sister" thing. Frankly speaking, I don't think you're helping the one seeking for advices. How much do you know of the whole situation? For goodness sake, you don't even know this person posting the msg, and yet you immediately jump on the bandwagon and dished up the "leave him pls" thing after reading her story albeit a one-sided one...

    The kids are the innocent parties, it could be because of your impulsive views, the confused one took up all the "hang in there sister" views and the poor kids end up in a broken family.

    So being the "odd one" here, I will give my personal view from a guy's perspective to this issue here.

    Dear Joanne,

    I hope you won't be swayed by the many "leave him now" views here. I have a 16 months old boy myself. And as usual, marriage is always going to be a difficult journey for any couple especially one with kids.

    From the way I read your post, you're a mother who really thinks for your kids.

    Yes, a cheating partner is a bitter pill to swollen let alone one who had cheated more than once...

    May I suggest that you seek professional help. Probably a counselling session might be beneficial. There are a couple of such services offered in Singapore such as Fei Yue. The couple must be honest and candid about the whole situation instead of getting defensive and guarded.

    Try to put the thoughts of divorce to the last resort. If possible, seek the other girl out with your husband. Talk it out, see what your husband wants, what you want, and what she wants. Again everyone should be honest and try not to be defensive.

    Unless, your husband do not love you and the kids anymore, if not there're always hopes. Let him know what you seek in this marriage and hear him out too. Then you take it from there.

    That's my advice to you. Last but not least, be strong and take care. Your kids still need you.
  38. redqueen

    redqueen New Member

    The sickening trend is all caused by male being unfaithful. This is Motherhood Forum. What is a guy doing here reading this. We never go to post condeming remarks in sammyboy forum. So men please keep offending remarks to yourself.
  39. missycandy

    missycandy Active Member

    in all fairness, it may be a motherhood forum but i dont see why it only has to be for females... sometimes its good to get the males pov also... this is an open forum and when you post, be prepared for criticism, bad remarks and good supportive ones... [​IMG]

    anyway, joanne, wish you all the best! mummies are the most Wei Da [​IMG]
  40. charliz

    charliz New Member


    First of all, being unfaithful is not "exclusive" to male only. In fact, there're increasing trend of women straying. Well, that's a different matter altogether.

    Secondly, I don't mean to make any offending remarks here. All I did was to tell the ladies who tend to post messages like "leave him now" without knowing anything other than the story the person wrote is not exactly helping the situation. It's simply adding fuel to fire. See, most of the ladies who asked for advices are usually very confused. And kids are usually involved. Seeing kids growing up in an incomplete family is a painful sight. Therefore, I urged all to give constructive advices rather than "dump him now". Divorce with kids suffering should really be the last resort.

    Thirdly, not all men visit Sammyboy forum, you know... There are men who are hands-on father who used this forum for its informative tips on educations, upbringing, etc.

    That's it, I will reply up to here rather than letting this degenerate into a meaningless flame war.

  41. wendy_reborn

    wendy_reborn Member

    cheating men will never understand what the wife go thru.
  42. september

    september Active Member


    i will say tat in fact no one in the world truly understand another person de....nt even mother and child or identical twin lor....let alone hb and wife.

    when someone cheat, there are always push and pull factor involved de. and the excuse the cheater will used is tat he / she unable to find the someting they want in their partner but instead of resolving their issue, they choose to 'run away' from it and seek the missing part outside.

    why some wifes or hbs choose to forgive and continue the marriage...no one know and no one will fully understand likewise for those who choose to divorce too.

    whatever is it, once u make up ur mind and make the decision, make sure it is one tat u will nt regret in future.
  43. sashamama

    sashamama Active Member

    Hi Joanne,

    How are you getting on with your husband? I think firmness from you and complete honesty and commitment from him would help. Ensure his phone is always in the open and he has nothing to hide. The moment he starts hiding, that is the first sign.

    You must be brave and strong and persist, so long as he is trying, there is always hope.

    Noone here can tell you when to give up. The threshold of every woman is different, situation of every marriage is different, and extent of hubby's unfaithfulness is different.

    Anytime you need support, do post and we'd be here.

    Take care, gal [​IMG]
  44. jojolpp

    jojolpp Member

    Hi all, our relationship are getting better. He has been spending lots of time with the family nw. He put his HP on the table and i can view anytin time i wan but seldom check la. Hope it will last long.....
  45. panababylon

    panababylon New Member

    Divorce him! Yo can find a better one! Get monthly pension from him from the law!
  46. panababylon

    panababylon New Member

    U forgive him so mnay times, your children will find out in the future one day.. You are indirectly teaching them that 'adultery is ok! there's always forgive & forget!'
  47. crab

    crab Member

    Hi Joanne,

    Im sooo very happy for you... Itz a good start all over again.

    I hope u will constantly posts good news to us. If there are some minor hiccups, dont give up... coz i feel that People dont change overnight... He may ride off the line a little but you must be quick enuff to try to get him back on track.

    Jia You... Jia You....
  48. crab

    crab Member

    i still advice to go counselling lor
  49. pink_piglet

    pink_piglet Active Member

    Hi I happened to read through ur post, really thumb up for u! I don't think u r stupid at all though if I were u I will felt the same. Love is blind. A fren of mine ever told me these... if you love a person to hv to except who he is. However if u know where's your limit then it's time to let go. You just need to know how to take care n love yourself more.

    Do wt u think it's best for you cause nobody would understand your problems n urself the best. Good luck n I hope your dh will understand your ku xing n treasure your love for him.
  50. xsun

    xsun Member

    i've been married for 13 yrs. there's no 3rd party. but hb juz ask for divorce. i asked him 'are u sure tatz wat u wan?' he replied,'yes! a million times yes!'

    so there u have it. im gg to be 1 of those divorce statistics the media keep reporting.

    relationship is so complicated now. where's the 'bai tuo xie lao' part??

    aw, i wish all the best to all the mummies here watever ur path/choice may be.

    we may not agree with some choices others make, but then we dun live their lives either so cant be judgemental. but for mummies, itz double whammy cos we still have to consider our children's feelings.

    i told my boy, itz juz gonna be mummy and you now. we hug and cried together and he said 'itz alrite,i love u mummy'. he's only 4yo.

    i will NEVER,ever understand why a father will gv up his own flesh and blood.

    goodluck, everybody!

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