! Should i divorce with him

Hi wonderful mummies

I do agree that divorce is not an easy decision especially with kids but then for series liars, they can and never will turn into a new leaf.

Do read up the book on "he's just not that into you", it applies for married couples too.

Men who change heart will never change their behaviour will have no qualms lying with their eyes wide open. They say things that they will not ever mean.

Move on. Go cold turkey. Cut off contact with them. Change your hp no if possible. Be it 1 month, 2 month for your wounds to heal. U can never walk out of your sadness if you are not determined enough.

Walk out of the hurtful circle and find ur own happiness.
I rather that u stay single and lead a happy life with your children rather than a unhappy sad life in an abusive marriage.
 


Was awaken by a leg cramp! Felt lonely and sad whenever I suffered fr all the pregnancy syptoms on my own. At such times, I felt even more determined to be strong, for no one but my baby..

Hi Sungrapes, congrats on ur 2nd BB! :)
Children are precious gifts to mummies.. Not necessary to fathers but mothers will really do their best for their children.
I'm really looking forwrd to the arrival of little darlin, abt 62days to go :)

But I must admit, I still hv many anxieties. I do worry abt wat to tell my baby abt her dad nxt time when she's older, financial issues when he do not pay his maintenance, etc.. These are very real issues.

I spoke to lawyer yday and she told me tt I can't proceed with divorce rt away, cos we r married for less than 3yrs. Mus go thru 3yrs separation 1st.. Unless I hv evidences.. Wanted to hv a simple, uncontested settlement actually.

Sungrapes, do u mind sharing with me ur experiences with lawyer on divorce matters? Do u mean u didn't go thru it eventually and u hv patch things with ur hb? That will be my greatest wish, if my hb turn back in time..

Hi Susanna, yes. I tried cold turkey for a few days before, but ended up even more miserable. Maybe cos of the emotions esp during pregnancy.

I want to cut ties too. I know it's the only way to forget him. But will only be able to do so when baby is born, cos we still need to settle many admin matters together. And becos of baby, if he hv visitations and if he actually wan to see the baby, I shouldn't stop him rite? It's not for him, but I dunno if I hv the right to deprive of my baby's rights to know her daddy. It's such a dilemma.

I hv many thots. I know he dun deserve to be my baby's daddy.. But what is the right thing to do for my baby? I am also thinking if my baby shld take my last name or my hb's last name in the birth cert.. I'm not sure wat kind of implications in future.. Any advices for me?
 
hope faith,
my case is quite complicated and i believe fate had alot to do with where i am now.

aw, imnot much better now. my hb did not change much, but i gotta accept this cos i chose this road when i had to make my choice.

many times, i wonder what will happen if i had the courage to leave him then. i supposed i wld be happier cos i will NEVER make the same mistake twice. in the beginning, of cos it will hard to get over the hurt and heartpain,but times heals all wounds really and God will surely let u have a second chance to find happiness.

all my friends who got separated/divorced finally found sm1 100x better than their previous partner. kinda envy them ..

i learn this:

1.a leopard will never change itz spot

no matter what he says/do/promises at that point of time.

2.NEVER , EVER EVER be soft hearted.
 
Sungrapes, sorry tt u r feeling down and tt ur situation may nt be any better. U must hv gd reasons for ur choice. I truly believe there is nvr really a clear right or wrong decision.

I still wish I didn't hv to go thru the big D. I really still do love him. But this is one time I hv decided to make the decision using my head, instead of my heart..

Today is our 2nd year wedding anniversary.
He SMS me happy anniversary & tt he will always love me & baby. Y does he still continue to say words tt he dun mean.. It really bring me alot of pain.. I stop believing his words.

I really want to move on. I really dunno how to.
 
one day at a time, hour by hour, step by step..

i mean,unless we die (which we wont), the sun still rises each day. we still have to go on. my frend said, 'happy also 1 day, sad also 1 day,so might as well be happy.' (or at least not too sad).
 
hopefaith, sungrapes,

I also tihnk it was very tough, but the cold turkey method (he's in jail) is making it worked for me...I know its tough, very tough...dats why i couldn't do so the past few times...when we only haf 2 kids..I want to give them a complete family, i believed its my fault.

Now we had the 3rd kid and he's only 16 months old. but its the strength and confidence to walk away from the vicious cycle and know that you are doing it for the better of the kids and your mental health...now that I have given up totally . Esp so when he is setting up such a bad example for the kids.

my hub is a super example, he hated his dad for doing all these to his mum, but because he have lived with his dad for 15 years, because my MIL wanted to create a complete family facet to them. I believe he subconciously was influenced.

I don't want the kids to learn to learn that
1) dad can dun provide for the family, can keep taking money from mummy
2) dad can flout the law, and mummy still take him back, he will still be forgiven even if he do wrong things
3) dad can treat the home as a hotel, and just come back and take the clothes, and not come home for 2-3 months, only come back to take clean laundry
4) dad can dun care about kids, even though they are very sick..with contagious disease, he don't bring them to see doctor.
5) dad can borrow Ah long who come to our place to splash paint and endangers the kids lives

for all the above reasons, I think I have the moral obligations to bring my kids up to be good & normal useful adults, not indulge in him, who merely treat the kids as a by product, and as a tool for him to go around borrowing money.

I only found out that he have been borrowing from his family saying its for me & the children. but like i mentioned, the money were never seen.
 
i think when the worst case senario happens, itz always a blessing in disguse. perhaps if ur hb is not in jail then u might never break out of this cycle. i think we can all learn a lesson frm tototan. itz time woman stop thinking tat happy family=complete family. so wat if u r single mum? better alone and happy then depressed, evday gotta face family problems.

hope faith,
do u have any family support?any1 helping u thru this?
 
Hi sungrapes, tototan,

I appreciate very much all ur sharing of ur own experiences. It calms me and allow me to think better.

Really think tototan is brave and now able to break out of this vicious cycle. Hopefully ur hb will learn his lesson while serving time... Eventually when he come out, believe he may wanna go back to the family. That will be another story altogether. With him in jail, is ur divorce completed?

U noe wat? I received text fr hb yday. He said stuff like "Wld it b better for u & everyone ard me if I take my life now?"

I didn't reply and missed his calls. Eventually I told him no need to. I will nt disturb him again once we can tied up all loose ends. Then he smsed that "I want u to disturb me".

On one hand, he left me & bb in a lurch. On the other hand, still wan to hold on to this back up tyre. Felt really upset..

Sungrapes, tks much for ur concern. I'm back to my mum's place. Basically, my parents didn't noe the real reasons y we r gg thru this. They tot it's his pub work & financial issues. But tt made my mum pissed enough, bcos hb didn't take care of me thruout the pregnancy. My parents wld nvr imagine he strayed, he really isn't tt kind for all these 14 years together. But I told my mum tt he is badly influenced ever since he started his pub. So my parents kinda noe we might end up divorced, but hoping tt things might improve after bb is born.

When the time comes, if need be, will tell them the real truth. My sisters are helping me and supporting me alot. In fact, I will move to my sis' place for confinement and mayb will b putting up there with my baby for the 1st few years until I can buy my own flat.

Bcos my mum is babysitting my niece,4yo and nephew,8mths old in the day. We wan her to rest well at night. If I stay at my mum's with bb, afraid my mum will nt get enough rest with bb crying at nite..

I oso hvent got a nanny for my bb. Am asking my mum's neighbour.. My mum strongly didn't wan a maid, so Im hoping to find a nanny nearby if possible.

Well, like u said, one step at a time. Will jia you & do my very best for my little darlin!
 
sungrapes,

you are right to say that its a blessing in disguise...its a relationship that i never "owned" but i treasured alot...to forgive over & over...

actually he have been like that before me with his ex girlfren. But i strangely thought that things will be different with me. well, turns out he's the same with every single relationship. use & "abuse".

hopefaith,
he attempted suicide too!!..myself & his sister actually told him YES, he would be better dead.

wow you guys have been together for 14 yrs!! I think it should be more painful for you!!....afterall...its probably half of your lifetime together!
 
Yes, it's really hard. I told myself nt to cry again. Must be strong for my little one, but really very, very tough.

I went bac to the hse tdy to pick up polling card, saw tt he actually moved his mistress stuffs into his rm. Felt a wave of saddness but it's ok, I've hv accepted the brutal truth, really just wan concentrate on solving financial issues ahead.

According to the lawyer, can't hv the divorce rt away till nxt May2012! Can't even sue for unreasonable behavior as our marriage is less than 3yrs. Is this really the case?
The lawyer recommend tt i convince him to sign a "original summon" to claim sole custody of my bb once she is born, tt process will cost 2.5k. Then after May2012, i can file for divorce based on unreasonable behavior, will cost me another 3k(uncontested), up to 5k(contested). Is this the norm?
 
well, if they really wanna die, then make sure their insuurance policy beneficiary is u and the kids..tell them dun die for nothing,waste ur time, still have to pay for their funeral expenses! i hate men always say wanna die then no guts to do so. (no balls)

hope faith,
lawyers really out to kill man! getting married only 1 day affair..divorce takes 3yrs and mre $$ then wedding dinner. think maybe juz separate 1st? can backdate the date of separation? or u can get 2nd opinion? i tot proof of affair can get divorce faster?

at least u have strong family support, tat shd bring alot of comfort and gv u some strength. u shd juz tell ur family the truth,no need to hide anythg. they can also help u with the legal aspects. who noes, they might have friends or collegues who can provide u with some advice? at tis pt of time, itz most impt to pool together our resources to find the best solution to any problems.
 
Hopefaith,

as long as you can proof evidence of adultry, I dun think you need to wait 3 years le...cannot be after 1st year of marriage, husband commit adultry, wife still must bear with it right?

did you take photos of his room with his mistress belonging?

I dun think there's a need for you to get him to sign the original summon thingy now..because at the end of it when you proceed with the divorce, the fees which in my case 3.5k+ in uncontested includes HDB, 3 kids, maintaintence & alimony.

re your question, my hubby went into prison for unpaid summons. and he also have pending embezzlement case, which we dunno whats the going.

according to my lawyer, whom I have engaged mid of April, she have wrote in to HDB to enquire about the matrimonial flat, they will reply in 4-6 weeks and by then I can serve him the divorce letter, he will have to accept or contest, by right we will have to wait for another 3 months for divorce to be finalise then 2nd stage talk about ancilliary matters like house, custody etc etc, but since he may not wish to be involved like appearing in court or carry out his disappearing act, my lawyer can actually get him to agree to the terms first and he can dun appear forever.
 
Hi there
evidence for adultry shld be from a PI who can also be ur witness. however, it's better to seek legal advise before u engage a PI. for my case i didnt know i can file unreasonable behaviour since we were married more than 3 yrs. hence, waste $$ on PI.. haiz. and this evidence has a lifespan of 6mth only. there are free consultation for legal advise. Do so if u think you are into it. u will have a better idea of wat will happen and wat u shld do..

i am still in the mist of consideration.. v confused.. i hope i am not soft hearted. let's all jia you together!

and for custody part, i know nowadays mostly are joint custody and kids will stay with who. Full custody are cases like husband are abusive.
 
tototan
u say 'includes HDB', means what? do u get the whole flat or u gotta buy over ur share? i heard alot of conflicting answers..
 
Hi Simple girl,

you mean evidence of adultry?? as long as you see that they go into a place to stay...like could be a house, a unit or a hotel...for about an hour..this will establish the grounds for adultry.

mumofT,
yes, can file for unreasonable behaviour. I am also filing for that, but similarly, evidence must be shown. to make the case stronger, because hubby can contest yeah? I know in the past my uncle wanted to divorce my aunty...but aunty refuse to sign, coz she did nothing wrong, so end up cannot get divorced also. I have many evidence pointing to unreasonable behaviour..so i think i am relatively safe.

sungrapes,
includes HDB from the lawyer side juz means that they will help you "settle" ancialliary issues including writing to ask about HDB and also asking for the % you get out of it...my hubby before going into jail and whilst head over heels with the prostitute wrote down in black & white stating that he will give methe entire HDB with no refund bk to his CPF. meaning 100% of whatever he has paid for will go to me ashe have no cash to pay me alimony, so its a lump sum. this was a new ruling that have changedsince 2010, to allow greater flexibility for divorced parents who haf no money to buy over the HDB. in my instance, its like that.
 
Hi mummies,

Heres my and I need your advise:

I m 32, n have been with my hub for over 12 yrs. But rom when I was 23. There's few problems in our relationship.. The most heart breaking one was that he claimed tt he does not hv feelings for me... It was after half yr after we rom that I realised his big secrete... "he likes man" I was really traumatized over it, cos we were leading a normal sex life ever since we were together. I discovered it when one of our male fren inform me that my hub had fallen for him n ask him to spend a night w him at one of the geylang hotel.

To cut things short, I had chosen to give him another chance after he decided that he choose to keep our relationship. Besides tt he sweared tt I m his only sex partner, we are both each others 1st lover actually. I trusted him for his words. However till now there's still scars in my heart. Cos to me, betray doesn't only meant when they hv affair w gender of another gender... Betray is betray...

Another problems we hv are that he is not showing enough care concern on me n our 2yrs old daughter. He stays in malaysia w his mother, cos he owns his biz there. He us career minded n he valua friendship more than family including his mother. He didnt contribute all the way fr my hospital delivery fee to childcare exp, milk powder, diapers childcare fees etc.. Not at all... He used to find our adorable but now he finds her irritating. When we are sick he never bring us to dr. Recently our gal was v sick, m I hv to send her to kk alone at the middle of the night... He knows abt it cos I inform him b4 I left for the hospital but whenever call to ask the next day...I was spending while night w my gall at kk without sleeps as she require observation..

Besides that he would never hold my hand again, hugz me etc tot we do still hv sex..
sad.gif
he value his frenz more then us. He would b sticky on money when it comes to spending for us. But when it comes to fren he will give his best n is generous.. recently he was v troubled becos his frenz hurt his ankle but can't go for the opt becos of his diabetics.. He said his fren sounded v disappoint in the phone n He wanted to do his best to help him by giving him care, encouragement n even taking care of him. This would include fetching him to n fro hospital etc. I was upset becos he doesn't show such concern on me n my gal when we needs him. More over his fren have a grown up daughter n wife whom I think they should b able to take good care of him. Why does he needs to go the extra miles for a fren.. I wouldnt say he is a worst husband but I felt that he is reapply doing far too little for us.. N he felt that marriage is a very" 烦恼＂things. Izzit healthy for me to keep this marriage.

He has not objection having 2nd child buy he told me straight tt he will not help me taking care.. I am v sure that is worthless staying on w him but it's just so difficult to end it.
 
I read though this thread n all the posts n really felt glad to someone around who are in the similar shoes..I felt v sorry to hear your sad experience with ur husband n especially for Hope faith..... I belief it's a v tough time in ur life.. Pregnancy supposed to b one of tge happiest n exciting moment in a couple.. But ur hubby had let u down.. I felt v sorry for you... as my dh almost fall into an extraordinary affair.

It's really a v hurtful site to see that the nest that you once own being taken away by another women.. I hv not much idea why would ur hubby on another hand lie n trying to win you bk. But I tot it could b due to guilt, and knowing tt u r a good wife he felt unbearable but on the other hand he doesn't wan to lost his so call current true love..

That's tge dilemma my hubby was in when I made him choose whether he want his male fren or me. He hv the chick to say he wants both.. as both were equally impt to him.. But I guess probably he kws his fren doesn't fall for him that's why he choose our relation ...

If I were to kw wt kind of person he is b4 my rom I would hv left him.. But hope faith, trust me, your newborn will bring you the strenght, motivation n power to move on.. In fact when I decided to hv my gal, my partly intention is to hv a pillar of strenght for myself should I need to leave him one day.

U must try all ways to make urself a happier person, if not it's easy for you to fall into depression after u deliver. Don't take things too hard n if staying in touch w him are making u feeling worst then u should do something to end it. Wait till u need his present like birth certain, bb bonus etc then u keep in touch w him. Tell him u see no purpose keeping in touch w him at the moment cos it's affect you n ur bb emotional health.
 
yoyokomama,

your situation is very much like the us on this thread except your enemy is of a different gender..not sure how much it affects your pride..but after reading,i do think you want to consider if a 2nd kid with him is still a choice. no doubt the kids will give you strength to carry on, but you are also responsible for bringing a new life on earth knowing that he/she will not have father's love. not v fair to the kid le..

maybe men are juz like that, they want the best of both worlds, have the cake & eat it! but do you always want to be the spare tyre for him?

today my hb is released and caught right after his release for his pending embezzlement case. He couldn't get me on the phone, so he called my SIL and told her that he wants to come out on bail for 2 weeks, to settle all the " ah long" for me. say he was a free thinker, but his cell mate is a christian and ask him to pray...for his kids to find strength to go through this ordeal and for me to manage..he say he wants to come out and see the kids regardless if they dun want to see him. he will watch them from afar, and he wants to come out and apologise to everyone he have hurt and the troubles he have caused. and that he will not jump bail, he's prepared to sit the term out.

my SIL teared on hearing his words, so did I. but i dun have the strength to trust him anymore, even though part of me wants to believe him. i dun have the strength to let him see the kids just so that he can break their innocent hearts anymore.

he have totally broken the trust of all his loved ones..that we dun dare to believe him anymore..not even to take the chance. once he's out, we dunno what can happen..the fear still looms in our hearts.
 
tototan
understand what u meant. meaning even file against unreasonable behaviour must have proof to strengthen it to prevent him from contesting..

hope_faith
u are not alone.. for both my pregnancies i suffered... his nonsenses.. although i didnt see it in my eyes but all his reaction and my intution tell me he has affair.. but ev time i confronted he will give me all sort of excuses and i taken in.. always tell me he has to work or ent and end up didnt come home. etc.. i saw smses and i confronted he told me it's his colleague's who is using his hp.. i take in also! because of the baby.. i really find myself foolish..and thought he would change after the 2nd bb.. but after few months of good times, he back to the same old pattern.. nv come back home telling me he drunk etc.. and this time round.. when he is at home, i can feel his soul is not. he keep gg to the toilet and i know someting is wrong... and he kept his phone in the toilet when we went to bed.. but insist to find out .. i decided to find the phone and i found it in the toilet. he actually has been sms this china gal.. and in fact he intend to fetch her or meet that day but i asked him to stay at home to acc the kids.. so he did. but not the heart. after that he actually admitted but few days later he denied! he said he hasnt been doing anyting wrong or unfaithful.. tell me that he dont like pple to touch his tings, he even say if i dont trust him, den we will part.. that point of time, i wanted a salvage.. every reply he tell me he duno. since we were both using the same car..i found things that were kept from me.. i found condoms, a belt which is not i have seen or know of.. a new watch , a ring! the ring i believed he wore it to meet her..

and i have his pw for his email. i realised he noted down alot of her stuffs.. what brand of cosmetic she using, perfume brand, etc..and
i know she is going back to china.. cos he brought air ticket (one way) for her, believed her work permit has expired.. and the day she flew back was last sunday.. 1 day before she flew, he sms me told me about his work. someone backstap him.. he said he know he hurt me alot. blah blah.. and tell me sorry for those that he have done to make me unhappy.. his heart only got me... i know he bull shits.. cos on the other hand.. his email.. saved that he cant bear her to leave. he will miss that woman and even call her as wife..etc.. he promised her that he will do what he promised to her.

i salute u for making this great step! it takes a lot of courage.

I am in a great delimma .. i tell myself to confront him after she fly. but i duno why my heart softened.. cos he is back home again.. after the confrontation of the sms til now i have been acting normal.. my mind tell me i have to let go, but my heart say otherwise.. i am v confused.. i duno what shld i do now.. although my parent know what is happening.. but they leave it to me to decide.. and of cos they dont want the worst to happen.. but still they will give me the support..
 
i duno if it's inheritance. cos his dad is like tat.. who doesnt come home to stay at all.. and his mum is the one bring up him and his sis. and he know how it feels and now he is doing it on me! i dun want to foot his mum's path who actually hang on til now... But ev time i see my two kids.. i feel v sad..
 
mumofT,

what you wrote was exactly what happened to me! but you know. these china prostitues are readily available. and they make the men feel very very wanted, as they want to make the most out of their stay here! my hubby broke off with the last one after she called and harrassed me, but then 4 months later, he got hooked on with another! and this time round, he actually moved his things out to stay with her. and the communication with her was, to spent the rest of their lives together. haha "true love"

have to let go already lor.

my hub's dad was the exact same thing too! and you will wonder why, why when you did nothing wrong and the kids are so lovely & so young.

once the girl go back..they will be nice to you again till they find another one worth the short fling. but one day, there will be one so POWERFUL that he may juz walk away.
 
mumofT,
if you plan to forgive him this once, remember next time when it happens do not be soft hearted. my hb swore that there was no sex involved. but to the bystander and all the mummies who went through it. how can an affair be one with a girl of these nature be without sex but juz emotional love?

I kid myself 5 times and when i told him that his mum found condoms in their house. He admitted to paying for sex many times because I am always tired. I say paid sex I can understand, but not when you maintain a friendship and developed into a relationship with them. He mentioned they treated him as their boyfren. SOLID not? and yet dare to tell me, what i dunno wun hurt me.
 
tototan
actually only this time my eyes really open and see and know what really happen.. the past experiences just before i give birth to my #2 he actually tell me a stupid lame excuses. that he got involved with some underground pple. and he gotta repay by helping to be their watchdog. and i duno what exactly he really doing.. he didnt come back to slp at all .. only back to change.. and tell me he need to fly to bkk.. for 2 weeks and after that ting will be settled. but he fly there 2 times... that time i was heavily pregnant.. emotionally need support by he just do this to me..

this time this ting i got exploded.. i even engage a PI. and confirmed he checked in hotel with a cheena.. but til date i still didnt action.. What am i waiting for... i really feel so stupid and disappointed with myself..
 
mumofT,
wah same same!! mine told me he was a runner for ah long & a pimp to make ends meet for the family..

I understand how you are feeling...you want to believe some part of him still care for you & the kids..you want to believe he's sincere in changing.

full revelation came for me. my hb was out on bail. no one from the family bailed him out. but the prostitute got a singaporean guy to bail him out for 2 weeks before he go in & sit. I asked him why did he need to come out, he said to see the kids, but he;s still putting up at their lovenest. so yesterdae i went directly down to meet him at his doorstep...i said i need to talk. for what he have done to me over the past 10 yrs, I need to talk.

he told me, he cannot feel guilt, regardless of what i did for him, and what he have done to hurt me, he was sorry, very sorry. but he couldn't help it. he slept wif countless girls and did not feel a single bit of guilt. even when he got caught, whatever he have done is juz to placate me.

he admitted this time he got out of hand, because this prostitue did not make him pay for sex. and she really loved him, well from what she did, I could also tell that she wans a future with him. he being a bast**d also say he use all means to win her over..and things juz happened...

some part of me wants to believe he is out to help things, but we'll have to wait & see. i 99% believe its not to do things. he's out on his last thrist, to see the girl, make love to her and enjoy for these 2 weeks. I just hope he dun run and really sit it out.

mumofT,
remember that the PI evidence only has a validity of 6 months. unless you want to put yourself through the pain & heartache again..

because hard facts are there. he was doing exactly what my hb did, juz dat mine went on a greater scale. there's no way to make them feel sorry because they have been desensatized by the various flings they have. till now, my hb still cannot feel the guilt. he was juz trying to help me understand yesterdae, that he's juz a very void person who thinks of himself.
 
Tototan
the problem is so far for this, confronted twice. 1st time he admitted but after that he denied. Even the 2nd time i confront him. Still denied. I leave it hanging til now. And i thought to let that gal fly back than i Will talk to him but i still dont have the courage now.
Ur hb dont have a decent job? mine has. In fact after this cheena gal.. He start to kept his bill afraid i see it. So i make him pay for my boy school fee and goceries. And I am paying the domestic helper salary which he cant afford cos of his heavy cc bill. To feel better i spent on his cc bill as i dont see it a point to help him save where he is not. just before this gal flew back. I suspected he took leave to Acc that gal. And true enough it is. Cause iknow his boss. I called to ask his boss why he is not home til now. Then i confirmed he dint work. He is doing this To this extend to ruin his future and a happy family.

I Duno now. Cause this gal has left and he came home liao. My heart is soft again.
 
alibaba, mumofT

my hubby had decent jobs, but because he always embezzle funds from various companies he worked for, when he got found, he was fired. 4-5 times were the case. and he dun learn at all from all these, he juz felt that its something he should do..

anyway super not worth it la...

hearing from what you shared, your hubby is prob not a high income earner as well, my hb haf maxed out all this CC, max out all loans he can take, prob going to bankrupt soon and yet still hang on to his addictions..
 
tototan
i tink they are just so ridiculous.. think of whatsoever excuses and think we are sooo dumb.. haiz..

with whatever he has done.. even with high income,it will not be enough... he told me entertain customer can claim.. but half nia.. -_-" or maybe it's just another lame excuses.. i think i wont have faith in him anymore.. but i duno what am i waiting for.. we were together for 10 yrs.. it will take a lot of courage... i tink i am holding on cos of the 2 young kids.
 
Hi mummies,
Jus had time to log on now.. It's gd tt I hv work to keep me bz for awhile. But actually today I felt abit down, cos I started worrying abt my financial status.. May hv to take no pay leave after childbirth, but dun hv savings now cos hv given all my savings to hb previously..

I called my FIL, asking for my money back and explained tt I needed money.. Then he said will see how to settle this but he also do not hv savings now cos he gave sm to his son for his pub too. I basically stopped talking to my MIL cos of all the lies she told others, like I left her son cos I cannt accept his late nights, his pub biz. She's really a selfish b*tch. She begged me to hide the truth previously!! Cos she want to still come see my baby. But Im so nt gg to let her. Now I must do watever I can to secure sole custody of my baby.

Tototan is right. No matter wat, it is jus not right to stay in an abusive marriage or relationship. Wat good is staying in a marriage without real trust, true love and respect for one another.

I will not lie. Till now, after all the pain he brought me, I still love my hb so very much. I cannot forget all the times we had together. All the obstacles we had to fight thru to be togethr, all the small littles we had for the past 14 years. But he is no longer the same man I loved. If he had been, he wouldn't hv done this to me and his unborn baby. Wat kind of man leave his wife when she is carrying his baby?

No matter how painful, I hv to accept the brutal truth. My hb left me. So easily just for another woman. Some stupid filipino he called his true love, his life partner, his wife-to-be. There is nothing left to say. I am learning to stop believing his words. I stop answering his calls for 3 days now. I must stay strong, for my little one.

I've read all ur sad stories and experiences.. Can't help feeling disappointed. Why can't men love & b faithful to the one they marry? Why are they falling for all these foreign women? I dunno, I just feels tt our hbs really do not deserve our crying and our love.

I tell myself I must not let myself be hurt by him again. I must not give him a chance to hurt my little darlin too. Tt is the most impt now. All I wish now is tt he rtn me money & pay for legal fees like he promised. But I oso noe he might not. For someone who didn't honour his vows, wat will make him honour his empty promises, rite?

Tototan, do u think can share ur lawyer's contact? Think I might need 2nd opinion.. Do not want to spend on PI, dunno if can file based on unreasonable behaviour now..

Dearest mummies, pls continue to b strong & stay calm, so tt can think with clear mind. Of cos we will hv moments when we break down.. I cry so often..but I noe I cannt, otherwise affect my baby.. But still I cry, cannt handle the saddness & loneliness at times. I always tell my little one how sorry I am & seek her understding..

I pray for her gd health, tt she arrive safely & she will always b happy & safe. She is the most impt to me now..

Sole custody & financial issues - this two is always on my mind now. Do u all think baby use my last name or his last name in the birth cert?

Jia you everyone! Let's give each other the support needed.
 
mumofT,
children dun mean more to more because they did not carry the burden of 9 months with them, they can always impregnate another woman, to have the same bundle of joy they had with you. while it is more difficult for women to feel the same, because we dun simply juz bear children to many men..

hopefaith,
my hb haf been out for 2 days, the feelings are horrid and torturous. to know that he showed love & concern & gratitude to the woman who destroyed himself, me & my 3 kids. I have cried my eyes out, the way he twisted his fact, he cried everytime he think of the kids, but felt sorry because the love is over between their mother and himself.

he went to see his son, and tell me nobody can forsake their kids. I told him, you did it..on your own free will. the 11 yrs and the 3 kids were nothing compared to the 3 months spent wif her.

he asked me to imagine he is not out, ask me to compose myself to carry on life. easier said than done. yes, we all admit loving our husbands very much and worst is betrayal. My boss told me yesterday: he commited financial infidelity, emotional infidelity, marriage infidelity. 1 word incorrigible. She knows its tough, but I have to be strong, very strong to overcome. I know I have to...

its not easy, like you mentioned the joys you had though live together, the little things that you have shared...I wrote him an email..to remind him of the happy times we had together, because I need to get it off my chest, no one else will understand except the 2 of you. but these will juz remain as sweet memories and they will be kept somewhere in your heart and probably a distant part of his memory in future..if you haf the faith to find someone else who will treasure you and your child more all the memories will then not matter anymore. just like how it did not matter to them now.

you can PM me for contact of lawyer. I had wanted to use one recommended one, but she was on MC for the whole of last month, so I had to change to another.

I think if divorce is inevitable, you should let your baby bear your surname instead, he can still be the father, but use your surname.
 
yes to tototan abt chg the surname. no pt let the kids YOU brought up carry the man's surname while they enjoy outside and never contribute to their upbringing..$ or otherwise.

best thg is 20yrs later when the kids all grow up and can earn $$, they will suddenly appear to claim kinship!! where got such thg? reaping what u did not sow!
 
Tototan,

Yes I agreed w you.. Its not the time to hv 2nd child when marriage is shaky....

I am kinda trust that he had not sleep with any pple b4 if not I would hv left him...whether anot he hv or do not hv feel for other partly... To me it's a form of detray already..

Now I m thinking if I should tell her mom abt her son prob.. Through the yrs I hv been keeping everything myself except I shared w my best frenz. I dint told my parents becos I doesn't wan them to b worried..
 
yoyokomama,
i think emotional betrayal is greater than sexual behaviour le..

my hb confessed that day, he had sex with countless of women, but everytime he will come home. This time round, though she's a prostitute, he did not pay for her. so it wasn't a transaction. and according to his message to her, she have given him courage to face everyday. Even though he's out these 2 weeks, he is not working, he said he will call me everyday will try to visit the kids, he visited his son and the rest are just lip service.

though divorce is inevitable, i guess its juz women that we want to feel that he still have feelings for me. he did not mislead me, all he kept emphasizing is that, he still care for my feelings, but he cannot feel the hurt and he may never do..kinda sad huh...

but through his conversation, i also know that he felt betrayed, by me and the family for not bailing him out, though he slowly understand that its his fault and the fact that we wan him to abstain from the prostitute. he did not admit till now, but he still addcted to her..
 
Tototan, u hv come so far & hang on for so long.. Hv to continue to stay strong for ur kiddos.

Sometimes I think, can it really b tt our hbs r experiencing "true love"??? Wat nonsense is all this? Of cos, we r all human beings, we all hv feelings. But feelings r jus feelings, they hv brains & hearts to take the right actions and make choices. So, as sad as I am feeling, I realised tt my hb must not hv really really love me or care for my feeling, if not, all this wld nt happened.

Like u, when hb told me he'll always love me and bb, part of me still wan to believe him. But if he did, why hurt me so much, why give me so pain? Afterall, I did not do him wrong & I am carrying his flesh & blood inside me.

I saw my hb cried. He told me he cried often now. But the thing is, I believe he is jus crying cos of his own guilt. He cld hv still turn back if he hv the heart to.. But he didn't.. Mayb he really think tt his filipino mistress is his true love?? If tt's the case, I wish him happiness & the best.

I believe ur hb feels guilt too, esp towards ur kiddos, no matter how heartless, I'm sure he still feel for the kids, even if it's just alittle.

This is really a very tough period to get thru.. But wat can't kill us will only make us stronger.. I really do hope tt once this is over or quiet down (nt sure can such thg ever be over truly over), u will find joy and purpose in life again, bringing up ur 3 lovely kiddos to be good & useful ppl.

How long is ur hb sitting in this time? I hope it's long enough for u to forget him and his evil ways b4 he come out & disturb ur life again..

Sometimes I wish law can catch my hb too, let him repent and learn his lesson inside without all these noises outside, without his young mistress who will be sweet & loving till he is all under her control.. Sigh.. It really is very tiring to keep thinking abt such thgs. I am learning to concentrate on my little one, and really stop missing or loving my hb. I believe as times goes, I'll b able to do it. My due date is nearing! :)

MumofT,
I noe u must be v confused abt wat u shld do. Really I'm in no position to comment much, given my own situation.

When I first found out, all I wanted is to salvage our marriage bcos I believe in our love. 14years of gg thru ups & downs together, lots of joys & happiness.. So how can I give up jus bcos of some stupid filipino slut who r here to break up families purposely, rite? These foreign girls knew tt the men are married but still chase after them... & of cos our hbs r weak to give in to such chasing & temptations. I noe in my hb's case (fr a common fren) tt girl chase him v long & my hb tried to avoid her at first.. But in the end, he still "fall in love".. Guess it really does feel good to be loved & wanted.. And during tt time, I admit tt I was upset with him for staying out and nt coming hm cos of his pub biz,etc... But still no excuse for his adultery & all his actions.

I feel u must b very clear with ur situation. Now tt that china woman has left (nt sure if it's for gd tho), u shld really find a chance to talk with hb. But only when u r calm & he is in okay mood too. Actually I feel can let him noe the truth tt u knew of his affair, & tt u r so devastated tt u r even considering a break off, but of cos u love him & the family too much to make this fateful decision on ur own..

I read somewhere, a marriage is abt one spouse being strong while the other is weak...

Only after talking it out will u noe wat u shld do. In my case,
my hb is weak, so I did my best to be strong & tried to salvage our marriage. I waited a few months for him to make his decision. I tried to talk to him but he cannt face me to talk abt this properly, he just kept avoiding this discussion. When finally I brought up divorce, he refused to talk abt it still but he didn't object.. And all these times, he continued his affair. So I concluded tt divorce is inevitable for us.

Cannt describe my feelings and pain now. Cannot explain how sorry I am to my little one for this to happen, for her to suffer the consequences of her parents actions. Its been decided tt she will be in a single parent environment b4 she is even born. My heart is so painful whenever I think of our future.. But I hv no choice but to face the brutal reality. I can't give up now, since hb chose to leave us, I hv to be doubly strong for my little darlin.

Take a little while, think thru all pros & cons of having this marriage, family in tact vs having a broken-up family.. Then from there, take the right actions to save the marriage or get out of the situation. Not easy, of cos.. Only u & hb noe wat is best for ur family.

I still wish I do not hv to go thru divorce. I do not wish to b a divorcee or single mum. I wish my baby hv a complete dad-mum family.. I'm sure all of us mummies here think alike, and want the best for our families..

But really life is so unpredictable. We got married, thinking happily ever after.. But life is like a box of choc.. We will never noe wat we will get..

Jia you mummies.. No matter how bad our situation is, hv to remember tt the sun will still raise again tmr. Jia you, dun give up on life & our little ones.
 
Tototan,

It must b heart breaking for you.. Yes... It's sad when they did not put themselves into our shoes.. I had a heart tO heart talk with my husband over the wkends. I ques him whether he did lie to me.. He finally admitted that he has feeling for his frenz "male"... He said it's v painful for him to be in his situation too becos he doesn't choose to be born homosexual... He cried... He is born to hv feeling for older men.. He said he felt guilty n. Sad tt he had let me down...He admitted hving feelings for an uncle, whom he is trying to convert his love for him as a dad... he said he would never leave me for another person n would not hv any sexual relation w anyone else besides me...but I know I can't stop him to treat that uncle well cos that man does meant sometin to him.

Wt should I do??
 
Hope faith,

I guess our men are really crazy.. They can't make different in terms of feelings or valuable "亲情＂. They only value moment of lust..

I felt that not only they had stop their love n care for us.. But they hv neglected their commitments n responsibilities... n we are the unfortunate ones who hv became the victims..

It's not easy too when theres children involved.. Whenever I start thinking tt my gal hv to best the consequences of our divource such as being tease by fren etc.. I really felt v sorry tot I knew it wasn't my fault.. I feel that in will lost my confident ... Cos everyone who kws abt my broken family will starts to show empathy as if we r so pitiful. There's seems to b so much for us to overcome ...
sad.gif


I agreed the feeling u had.. It's hard to let go of the relation.. More over it's a long relations for urs having to go through up n down...yet they change just like tt...

Btw mummies... Did any of you approach any family service centre or seek any other professional org for counseling? Wt do u you all think of that..
 
yoyokomama,
i hv a close friend working as a counseller in the FSC. if u need any details or to find out anythg, let me noe. im gg to meet her 2mr.
 
Yoyokomama,
didn't noe wat will b the best thg for u to do.. But think it's right to go see counsellor with ur hb. His prob is even more complicated, which I believe with professional help, thgs may become better. At least he get to address his own mental & physical health's concerns, and u may oso get the answer u r looking for.

I went for two counselling sessions at the raffles hospital on my own in Jan, when I just found out hb's wrongdoings. Mainly bcos I wanted help, dun wan do silly thgs & end up hurting my baby inside me.. Will b arranging to see the cousellor again soon, esp cos due date nearing.. Worried abt post-natal depression..

Am oso planning after delivery, will go to FSC to seek help on how to cope being single mum as well as to find out how to tell my baby abt her daddy, etc. I hv all this in my head.. Think abt delivering my baby safely and pray tt she in gd health. Think abt financial issue & caregiving arrangemt. Think abt raising baby on my own & coping with all social issue faced by single mum.. Those r the things in my head always..

Had an SMSes exchange with hb a few days back. Same story, he told he will be there for me and for me to call him when I need him, cos he knows tt I will not answer his calls anymore, blah, blah.. I didn't answer his calls for a few days.. But I actually still think abt him alot, just trying my best to go on cold turkey & cut all contacts.. But it really is so so so hard..

He said things like he is worried abt me, he want to b there for me & give me the world but he can't even survive now. He think it's better for me & ppl ard me tt he do not live, blah.. he said he will jus need to ensure tt all his debts is paid up befor he is gone.

From wat he said, I gathered tt he is not gg to die. I feel tt he's been cowardly all these times, refusing to face the issue and settle the issue. He will not seek suicide. But I feel he might just want to escape to another country, take up a new identity & start afresh! I even told him to go to philippines where his mistress is!! Hopefully he will do smthing right before his escape, like selling his pub & returning me some money to solve my financial prob.. Or get an insurance befor he "die".. Very drama hor, but I really think this may happen.. He might just continue to take his easy way out & escape to her country, then he dun need to face me, bb & maintenance fee, his debts, etc..

Sigh.. I dunno wat to feel now.. I still care for this person.. Abit crazy but i simply just can't stop caring or loving him right away.. But i'm certainly doing my best.. I just hope by staying cordial, he will remember to "include" me & bb in his big plan - by leaving us some money at least..

With this new developments, I think it's okay to stay in contact with him. Maybe I'm just giving myself the excuse tt we will still hv to b in contact till bb is born, anyway we still hv to meet to sign legal paper, etc.. But who knows, once he fake his death, I'm not divorcee anymore but widow!! Kinda funny how things turn out.. Wat hv I gotten myself into???

I just cannot forget him yet, tho he did so many things tt hurt me and the pain is really unbearable...

My sis just showed yday a FB a/c his mistress created for him, with their photo posted as the profile pic.. It felt like a stab in my heart.. But I didn't cry.. I felt hurt but I was calm.. Guess it's becos I know tt we hv come to the end of the road.
 
After i found out abt his affair, both of us deactivated our FB a/c.. His mistress set up one for him, but she wasn't smart to use a different name, tt's how my sis stumble across this new FB a/c.

I told him abt it, and he got her to deactivate it for now.. Mayb later she will be smart to change a profile name so tt ppl won't know it's him.

My hb, like all men, egoistic, prideful.. He probably didn't want the rest of family & our frens to know yet lah.. Really, I felt very tired with this entire episode already, felt very silly tt i am wasting my time & energy on this matter..

Yes, it's a marriage we r talking abt, but I dunno how it is still possible for me & hb to get bac together. Even if things take a change soon, not tt it's going to happen.. I really cannot see a future with this person.

I must jia you! So must all the mummies here!!
 
Sungrapes,

Really.. Actually I had wrote to fei yue fsc (chua chu kang) as general enquiries. I asked whether I could go through some counseling via email at the moment as I m not comfortable hving face to face counseling now. It takes lots of courage to do so..

Which fsc does ur fren work at? Do they provide group counseling for cases like us?

You may pm me.. If a few of us here would like to hv a support group through ur fren fsc, izzit possible?
 
Hope faith,

*hugz* honestly when I look at all your post I felt that u still love him alot.. I also feel that u may forgive him if he was sincere in asking for forgiveness.. I agreed it's not been easy for you n there's also lots for challenges that you may come to face after your child is born..

However, you need to know that by continuing to stay I'm touch means tougher for u to get your mind off him.. It will take you some time to adjust the lost.

It's good that your mother n sister r by your side for you... You need their support.. Don't keep everything to yourself ..
 
Yoyokomama
Yes, I do love him. I dunno how to stop loving.
I care for him as someone close who I hv been caring for 14years. Will need a long, long time before I can get pass this episode. Dun think I will ever forget him or us, esp so we hv a child togther..

He told me I'll always b a part of his life, he will always b here for me.. I do not believe.. Although I wish tt very much.. U r rite too, if he is sincere in getting back together, I jus might.. Bcos I love him.

But the brutal truth is, he is not coming bac. He already made his choice to leave me & baby, for another person. This is not acceptable. He doesn't hv a right to choose, he shld end the marriage with me 1st before starting another relationship. He shld hv nvr start an affair, he do not deserve to b my baby's daddy.

I must remember I love the man I married, but he is no longer tt same man.

I was feeling down and sad the entire day, keep thinking abt this, abt him, abt my baby.. Know tt it's impt to keep positive & happy for my little darlin, so really looking forward to find other things to focus on, like thinking & trying my best to get some money bac, and getting him to bear his responsibility for bb.

Sometimes i wonder if he is just pretending to be down & out in front of me, so tt I will "pity" him & be soft on him. I decided to b stronger & be firm on this matter. The financial support is v impt to me & bb now.
 
Hi hope faith,

I understand how you felt.. I would feel equally tge sane pain should it happened to me.

For the benefit for you or at least for your child, I feel that he should bear some responsibility by bearing some maintenance for the baby.. I know that would be meaningless since the love n care are no longer there but at least it could lighten your load in a way. If not at least could he leave the flat for you and your baby.

You must fight for you and your bb welfare and tell jim that's the only last thing you would request from him.
 
Hi mummies,
me & hubby haf signed the divorce papers today.

will fill in the details later...we cried and hugged, and hubby say frens as parting words...
 
Tototan, im so sorry..
Cant help crying as I type. Though I have played and replayed this scene in my mind so many times, but I guess when it really happened, the heartbreak and pain in the heart is never imaginable.

Have some quiet moments to yourself and think about all the good times together. From now on, put the sad memories away, in a small corner of your heart and mind. It is really a brand new start now.

He will now proceed to do his time, while you are out here caring and raising the kids you had together. There will forever be a connection, whether fortunately or unfortunately.

Sincerely wish you be happier from now on.. Life is really, really unpredictable.. You'll never know if he turn over a new leaf after doing his time. And come back as a new person who you may love all over again.. Dun need to think so far now, I just wish you'll find the strength to live each day happily and fulfilling with your kiddos.

Really must jia you..
 
Actually, I just found out last evening that HB was caught and were held at the police station since Wed night.

We were supposed to meet at gynae but he didnt turn up and didnt answer his phone. I thought he just disappeared. Then his cousin's wife secretly let me know what happened at his pub, apparently there were some illegal happenings but we still unsure what is going to happen to him.

Nobody in his family inform me of this. I feel its so wrong, afterall, im still the wife and both me and baby have a right to know. I wouldnt have know if the cousin didnt tell me..

Felt kinda empty and sad. He was going to plan his "death" already and make plans to "escape" to a new country. I know it sounded really ridiculous but I wouldnt have mind his "death" if he plans to leave me and baby some financial support. I wouldnt mind that he start all over with his mistress if that is really what he wants in his life. I must have sounded by a crazy woman, but its sad that I love him enough to tolerate even this nonsense.

Since his love and heart is not here, I am hoping to move on with my life and have means to take care of my baby.

Not sure what is going to happen from here. If he is really charged, he might not have a chance to meet his baby when I deliver nxt month. We would never have a chance to close our chapter properly.

But then again, let's see how things goes.
He might get bailed out of this sh*t once again. He has been very blessed, there is always a good end to all his problems faced.

Dunno wat to wish for. I hope he will come out of this safe and well, at the same time, I thought this will be a good lesson to learn. But if there is a bad record, it will be hard on him in the future.
 


Tototan,

*Hugz* pls be strong for your kids... I know it wasn't an easy choice for you no matter how prepared you are..very often I hv been imagining thus happening to us too... It really hurts..

It's not your fault for these...
 
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