Problem staying with mil


hi, I used to have the problem but my hubby makes a stand and talk to his mummy and things got better and he told her nicely not to interfere as this is out house if not happy she can always move back her house nicely.

If you need a listening ear, let me know thanks!
 
sometimes, u dun need to stay with them to hv problems. but most of the time is how we handle....esp wat is ur hb stand on these issue.
 
Honestly I really cannot tahan with my mil.... one word very suitable for my mil which is "lazy" and she very very pangtang also.
 
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Actually... all the time. But I am also quite a difficult cow to deal with... I guess I can write a drama on it. Lol.
After a few quarrels, we kind of got used to it. Just let the other party knows what are things we really cant stand and try not to repeat that. The one that suffers most is our hubby actually.

Reach me at www.***********
 
My mil even boil water also lazy. Everything expect me to do it. Before I give birth say will help me look after my daughter. After baby born..my daughter haven't 1 month. She told me, she cannot handle alone. I was wonder how she take care of her 3 kids. My husband income not very high. I tot I can go work after my maternity over. So can earn some money to help my husband cut down his burden.
During confinement, everything I do it myself. I didn't even rest well at all. Cos baby keep crying. Every morning im the 1 shower for my baby. Night time lucky my hubby and 1 of my hubby's aunt help me look after my daughter. Honestly I very disappointed with my mil. Say will do confinement for me, in the end I do it myself. Every day I almost eat same dish. She don't even know how to cook confinement food lo. If I know she don't know how to take care, I won't let her to help. I will employ CL. Damn angry.
 
I'm also staying with my mil. Staying together under 1 roof can be trying sometimes. No privacy at times. There were a few occasions she just barges into my room. Sometimes when I am expressing BM she'll hover around. :/
 
LilGems said:
I'm also staying with my mil. Staying together under 1 roof can be trying sometimes. No privacy at times. There were a few occasions she just barges into my room. Sometimes when I am expressing BM she'll hover around. :/
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Yeah, lilgems. I totally agree. Really no privacy at all.
For my situation is, my fil always stand outside my room windows there & peep. Really cannot stand both of them.
 
kim_turtle said:
Yeah, lilgems. I totally agree. Really no privacy at all.
For my situation is, my fil always stand outside my room windows there & peep. Really cannot stand both of them.
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why wld ur fil do dat? datz so rude... dun they respect ur privacy? ur fil sounds scary...
 
He really very rude..... so now I dont talk with him at all. And I always close my windows and curtain. Maybe outside ppl will say I never respect him, but I don't care. Cos he force me to do it.
He very unhygienic also. Once he touch my daughter, I sure will bring my daughter go wash hand. Then will try to siam him.
 
kim_turtle said:
He really very rude..... so now I dont talk with him at all. And I always close my windows and curtain. Maybe outside ppl will say I never respect him, but I don't care. Cos he force me to do it.
He very unhygienic also. Once he touch my daughter, I sure will bring my daughter go wash hand. Then will try to siam him.
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Same here.. Also FIL problem. :(
 
hais it's really not easy to get along with parent in laws :(
really have to depend on hubby's stand on the matter
 
kim_turtle said:
Husband also got his difficulty talk with them. He know once he talk with them, they sure will not happy and quarrel.
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yes that's why i try to be understanding to my hubby too.
just that sometimes they may go overboard really damn fed up.
most impt hubby have to be able to tell who's right la
 
mumof3s said:
yes that's why i try to be understanding to my hubby too.
just that sometimes they may go overboard really damn fed up.
most impt hubby have to be able to tell who's right la
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Yes this I agree.
I damn angry with my fil this 2 days. Keep stand my windows there peep. ... feel like tell him off already! !!!
 
kim_turtle said:
Yes this I agree.
I damn angry with my fil this 2 days. Keep stand my windows there peep. ... feel like tell him off already! !!!
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I dun think this is an appropriate act frm an elder... I mean respect gotta be earned, how they expect u as a dil to respect them when he does all this funny funny (and also somewhat eerie) act of standing outside window n peep?!

have u tried asking his purpose for doing that? if its me, I wld definite confront him, as I wld feel ''watched'' and violated (privacy)
 
dear all, I also have probs staying with mil,

1) she will wake up at 3 or 4am, and decide to do hsework (not too sure if it is really necessary to clean kitchen stoves or wash laundry or mop floor at that hour?!),
but well if that's her choice, there's nothing I can do, but she will make noise to wake me up (she knows i'm a light sleeper , have insomnia and i'm on long term medication, and so sleep is very impt to me), eg throw pai - so inconsiderate, if she cant sleep, why wake others or neighbours?

2) she will choose to cook lunch at 10am even though it is raining [and she will hang my laundry (half wet) out - saw it when I came home].
Ok, I know, I shd be counting my blessings that she is still able to cook and is healthy. But is there a need to cook lunch at 10am (raining) when my child will only be home after 2pm?

3) I'm not in gd health, and so at times when i'm still in bed at 6am+, she will slam her rm door to wake me up (she locks her rm door when she is in kitchen or when she goes out).
Ok, to be honest, I really do not understand if there's a need to lock door, come on, I wouldn't be so stupid till I will steal from her..
some would say that perhaps by locking door, she will feel more "secured", but if she makes a conscious effort to lock her door each time she goes out, why isit that she often leave the main door and gate unlocked?

4) she enjoys slamming kitchen cabinets and doors - knowing the fact that I've heart prob, and she often do it when i'm in kitchen..

hubby has tried talking to her, but still the same.
I tried speaking to hubby's siblings - voicing my concern if it could be dementia, but instead they said that i'm picking on their mother, and I don't know how to give and take (come on, i'm staying with her for abt 12yrs! not 12 days, 12 wks or 12 mths).

if I don't know how to give and take, I would have quarreled with her when she leave my 3yr old boy alone at home (while she goes shopping) many yrs ago, or when she pushed my boy and tell him to get lost (when he asked permission to watch TV in her rm)..

but all these years, I just keep quiet..
 
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why wld anyone go do hsework at 3 or 4am?! wat about the neighbor?! is she aware that u r not well? i feel that ur mil does not understand what rest means to someone who needs it esp when u r not well...

i dun like pple who slam doors. If they do it in the middle of the nite, i will not hesitate to shout frm my kitchen to let them know how pissed off i am. I think i am quite garang, i m not afraid of those unreasonable pple.
 
precisely, who would do hsework at that hour right? so I suspect could be dementia, so voiced out my concern, but instead her children feel that i'm picking on her..

yes, she knows i'm not well, in and out of hospital for past few yrs, and she knows i'm still on long term med and going for reviews etc..

I am also not afraid of her, but all these yrs, I always tell myself that I must try not to speak back to her - I don't want her to have the opportunity to say that I come frm bad upbringing (single family), and also becos I know there's no "turning back" if I start to talk back at her.

she was once a daughter-in-law too, so why want to make things so difficult?

at the end of the day, own mother is still the best
 
have u tot of getting ur own place? or ur hubs is the only son...

ur mil is very old is it? u r quite ok to tolerate her all these yrs... i hope she ''wakes'' up one day and stop her weird habits n insensitivity towards u... did she make anything special to help you to gain back your health? pls take care of ur health and i hope u recover soon
 
SloshySoupy, yes, we are making plans to move out - but fastest will be few mths later..my mum tells me to endure few more mths..

hubby is the youngest, but the rest of the siblings only come few times per year...I think mostly mil will go to their hse?

my mil is 70yrs old, but she looks younger, late 50s..past 10yrs she's not so "weird" "problematic", started abt 1 yr ago...waking up at 3am etc..

no, she doesn't make any tonic to help me regain my health, I will be considered "lucky" if she didn't cook hot and spicy dishes when i'm sick - there's a stage whereby she cooked all spicy dishes for days when I was discharged frm hospital.
On normal good days, i'm already not eating hot and spicy food!

thanks for your encouragement :)
 
datz great news! it must be all the good karma u accumulated all these while by not clashing with ur mil... I respect u for that coz I know deep inside my heart I m not dat good a dil.... that's why I insist we got our own place before we got married. If I m in ur shoes, I think all relatives will have labeled me as a bad dil by now...
 
SloshySoupy said:
I dun think this is an appropriate act frm an elder... I mean respect gotta be earned, how they expect u as a dil to respect them when he does all this funny funny (and also somewhat eerie) act of standing outside window n peep?!

have u tried asking his purpose for doing that? if its me, I wld definite confront him, as I wld feel ''watched'' and violated (privacy)
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My fil very small gas de. Cannot let ppl say de. If I confront him, he sure make noise and complain with his 2nd son. That day he stand outside peep again. I tell his sister, he always stand there and peep..... his sister say he want to see my daughter. Then I ask her bk, what is privacy? ?自己人始终是帮自己人的!!
 
u all de mil is staying at ur hse or u all stay at ur mil's hse ?? mine is mil staying at our hse...lots of problems too after my hb invite her to stay w us w/o getting my permission !! no turning back alrdy cos she alrdy sold her hse...she will stay w us until she expired...w/o having kids still ok no issues at all cos I got work and come home only chat a while..but aft having kids lots of quarrel and cold war w each other...hb talk to her many times but also no use...aft i got my #2 baby, I engage a maid to help her cos she said she cannot cope alone....then she buay song w my maid will keep on scolding her...my 1st maid left cos cannot stand my mil keep scolding her using hokkien (she can understand hokkien)...now my 2nd maid quite old 37yo but she don't understand any dialect so my mil scold her she dunno anything...now my mil ask me to change a new maid cos she said my this maid v stupid :( sign...mil's problem can write into a book !
 
gohalison said:
dear all, I also have probs staying with mil,

1) she will wake up at 3 or 4am, and decide to do hsework (not too sure if it is really necessary to clean kitchen stoves or wash laundry or mop floor at that hour?!),
but well if that's her choice, there's nothing I can do, but she will make noise to wake me up (she knows i'm a light sleeper , have insomnia and i'm on long term medication, and so sleep is very impt to me), eg throw pai - so inconsiderate, if she cant sleep, why wake others or neighbours?
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Guess I'm not alone. My FIL/MIL does housework at 4am-6am too...
He mops the floor at this hour, and with all the washings, buckets and mop cleaning, mopping the floor right outside my room door and banging the mop against the door, I know he didn't bang it on purpose but this has been happening for years.

I usually do not speak to my FIL or MIL unless there is a need. Like what some others said, some ppl might think I'm rude but I seriously don't care how I others look at me. Some ppl comment: "oh you are so lucky, you dont have to do housework!" I simply hate it when they comment this, because these people would never know how difficult life can be for some. I would rather do my own housework than to live with my in-laws. I wash my own clothes and clean my own room anyway. They are not allowed to enter my room, (this was agreed after a few huge fights between my hubby and me). I don't even eat at home to avoid seeing them too much. I eat out everyday.

Most people are lucky, they can choose to move out, but in my situation I can't. They are staying with me, not the other way round. They have been staying with me since the day I bought this flat with their son. They didn't have a flat of their own. Their previously flat was jointly owned with my husband which was also newly bought when I met my husband. My husband then sold the flat in order to buy a new flat with me because I told him I will never want to stay in "other people house".

I guess I was really naive when I was younger, I thought staying together will not hurt but I was wrong. Living with old people is hard, especially when they are not your parents, every habit or things they do, are just "weird" in my eyes. I'm not picking on them, I even spoke to my mom and my sisters and my 2 of sister-in-laws. Even their own daughter find their behavior weird.

I don't pick on them or even let them know when I'm unhappy about something,but I let my husband know how upset I am. I always tell him please appreciate that I allow your parents to stay with us, not many DIL will agreed. I guess he knew what I mean and also my pain sometimes, so the only consolation I have now is my husband doesn't side his parents if he agreed they are unreasonable at times and my sister-in-laws sometimes tries to talk some sense to their parents.

I have so many issues that I had kept to myself, there was a point I cried to sleep each night thinking how miserable my life is at home. Asking myself why am I going tru this crap. But I have somehow get over that period. I'm always in my room. I just feel like a tenant in my own house.

I did not intend to have kids when I got married. But after 7 years in my marriage, I am thinking about having kids. But with this situation at home, how can I. It's not an excuse, but I have seen how they handle their grandchildren, and with the same situation happening to my kids (if I have) my blood will probably be boiling everyday if my PILs are staying in the same house.

:(:(:(:(
 
enduring said:
Guess I'm not alone. My FIL/MIL does housework at 4am-6am too...
He mops the floor at this hour, and with all the washings, buckets and mop cleaning, mopping the floor right outside my room door and banging the mop against the door, I know he didn't bang it on purpose but this has been happening for years.

I usually do not speak to my FIL or MIL unless there is a need. Like what some others said, some ppl might think I'm rude but I seriously don't care how I others look at me. Some ppl comment: "oh you are so lucky, you dont have to do housework!" I simply hate it when they comment this, because these people would never know how difficult life can be for some. I would rather do my own housework than to live with my in-laws. I wash my own clothes and clean my own room anyway. They are not allowed to enter my room, (this was agreed after a few huge fights between my hubby and me). I don't even eat at home to avoid seeing them too much. I eat out everyday.

Most people are lucky, they can choose to move out, but in my situation I can't. They are staying with me, not the other way round. They have been staying with me since the day I bought this flat with their son. They didn't have a flat of their own. Their previously flat was jointly owned with my husband which was also newly bought when I met my husband. My husband then sold the flat in order to buy a new flat with me because I told him I will never want to stay in "other people house".

I guess I was really naive when I was younger, I thought staying together will not hurt but I was wrong. Living with old people is hard, especially when they are not your parents, every habit or things they do, are just "weird" in my eyes. I'm not picking on them, I even spoke to my mom and my sisters and my 2 of sister-in-laws. Even their own daughter find their behavior weird.

I don't pick on them or even let them know when I'm unhappy about something,but I let my husband know how upset I am. I always tell him please appreciate that I allow your parents to stay with us, not many DIL will agreed. I guess he knew what I mean and also my pain sometimes, so the only consolation I have now is my husband doesn't side his parents if he agreed they are unreasonable at times and my sister-in-laws sometimes tries to talk some sense to their parents.

I have so many issues that I had kept to myself, there was a point I cried to sleep each night thinking how miserable my life is at home. Asking myself why am I going tru this crap. But I have somehow get over that period. I'm always in my room. I just feel like a tenant in my own house.

I did not intend to have kids when I got married. But after 7 years in my marriage, I am thinking about having kids. But with this situation at home, how can I. It's not an excuse, but I have seen how they handle their grandchildren, and with the same situation happening to my kids (if I have) my blood will probably be boiling everyday if my PILs are staying in the same house.

:(:(:(:(
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for my case, it is my mil's hse together with hubby's name (before I met my hubby, their old flat was under en-bloc, and his name was already with his mum's new flat). Before we got married, we thought of withdrawing hubby's name and to get our own flat - meaning my mil (widow) will have to buy resale flat (some 3 or 4 rm), but she refused, only want to buy 5 rm, new flat and only want to stay in Clementi, so bobian, we have to stay in her hse - as she needs my hubby's name then (hubby is the youngest but the rest of the siblings are all married and have their own hse).

been staying with her for past 12 yrs, she gets on my nerves on and off, but I always tell myself that "I will also grow old 1 day, just ensure that I wouldn't behave like her next time".
perhaps all these yrs, she's also putting up with me?


But since Jun last year, she started waking up at wee hours 3 or 4am to clean the kitchen etc (she wants to wake up, that's her prob, but don't disturb us or neighbours mah, be more considerate).

When I feedback to hubby's siblings abt her waking in wee hours, they chided me for not know the "art of give and take?!", and they also say all old ppl are like that, don't need to sleep too much.
(come on, I stayed for 12 yrs, and you come and say I don't know how to give and take?), whatever, mouth is theirs, they can say all they want..

anyway, today, she decided to wake up at 2am instead...
perhaps very soon, she will be a wonder woman and wouldn't need to sleep at all!
 
gohalison said:
for my case, it is my mil's hse together with hubby's name (before I met my hubby, their old flat was under en-bloc, and his name was already with his mum's new flat). Before we got married, we thought of withdrawing hubby's name and to get our own flat - meaning my mil (widow) will have to buy resale flat (some 3 or 4 rm), but she refused, only want to buy 5 rm, new flat and only want to stay in Clementi, so bobian, we have to stay in her hse - as she needs my hubby's name then (hubby is the youngest but the rest of the siblings are all married and have their own hse).

been staying with her for past 12 yrs, she gets on my nerves on and off, but I always tell myself that "I will also grow old 1 day, just ensure that I wouldn't behave like her next time".
perhaps all these yrs, she's also putting up with me?


But since Jun last year, she started waking up at wee hours 3 or 4am to clean the kitchen etc (she wants to wake up, that's her prob, but don't disturb us or neighbours mah, be more considerate).

When I feedback to hubby's siblings abt her waking in wee hours, they chided me for not know the "art of give and take?!", and they also say all old ppl are like that, don't need to sleep too much.
(come on, I stayed for 12 yrs, and you come and say I don't know how to give and take?), whatever, mouth is theirs, they can say all they want..

anyway, today, she decided to wake up at 2am instead...
perhaps very soon, she will be a wonder woman and wouldn't need to sleep at all!
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They not staying with her ma.... of cos can say that easily.
 
enduring said:
Guess I'm not alone. My FIL/MIL does housework at 4am-6am too...
He mops the floor at this hour, and with all the washings, buckets and mop cleaning, mopping the floor right outside my room door and banging the mop against the door, I know he didn't bang it on purpose but this has been happening for years.

I usually do not speak to my FIL or MIL unless there is a need. Like what some others said, some ppl might think I'm rude but I seriously don't care how I others look at me. Some ppl comment: "oh you are so lucky, you dont have to do housework!" I simply hate it when they comment this, because these people would never know how difficult life can be for some. I would rather do my own housework than to live with my in-laws. I wash my own clothes and clean my own room anyway. They are not allowed to enter my room, (this was agreed after a few huge fights between my hubby and me). I don't even eat at home to avoid seeing them too much. I eat out everyday.

Most people are lucky, they can choose to move out, but in my situation I can't. They are staying with me, not the other way round. They have been staying with me since the day I bought this flat with their son. They didn't have a flat of their own. Their previously flat was jointly owned with my husband which was also newly bought when I met my husband. My husband then sold the flat in order to buy a new flat with me because I told him I will never want to stay in "other people house".

I guess I was really naive when I was younger, I thought staying together will not hurt but I was wrong. Living with old people is hard, especially when they are not your parents, every habit or things they do, are just "weird" in my eyes. I'm not picking on them, I even spoke to my mom and my sisters and my 2 of sister-in-laws. Even their own daughter find their behavior weird.

I don't pick on them or even let them know when I'm unhappy about something,but I let my husband know how upset I am. I always tell him please appreciate that I allow your parents to stay with us, not many DIL will agreed. I guess he knew what I mean and also my pain sometimes, so the only consolation I have now is my husband doesn't side his parents if he agreed they are unreasonable at times and my sister-in-laws sometimes tries to talk some sense to their parents.

I have so many issues that I had kept to myself, there was a point I cried to sleep each night thinking how miserable my life is at home. Asking myself why am I going tru this crap. But I have somehow get over that period. I'm always in my room. I just feel like a tenant in my own house.

I did not intend to have kids when I got married. But after 7 years in my marriage, I am thinking about having kids. But with this situation at home, how can I. It's not an excuse, but I have seen how they handle their grandchildren, and with the same situation happening to my kids (if I have) my blood will probably be boiling everyday if my PILs are staying in the same house.

:(:(:(:(
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hi enduring, ur FIL & MIL can apply their own flat together ?

mine is only MIL left...FIL not around alrdy. so die die she must stay in my house until she expired. seeing each other everyday is killing...but no choice now I got 2 kids and daily quarrel is unavoidable esp when u hv kids ! I knw they love my kids but the way we bring up is very different from last time. I hv my own ways of teaching my kids but she don't agreed. saying im too fierce etc..and even teach my kids to tell lies to me. eg. she gv my boy (4yo) drink cold stuff directly from the fridge at 9.30PM !!! omg how can such young child drink cold stuff at this hour ? and somemore he is coughing..then she told my boy "cannot tell mummy that ah ma gv u drink this ok else next time I wont gv u drink anymore" but kids are kids, they will say everything out when u suspect something not right...sign...luckily now I found this thread to rant...
 
hi ladies

i am not any good better. have been staying with mil for the past 1 yr plus(my own house). previously not staying together, less meet, less talk, less conflicts.
stay together really create a lot of nonsense and rubbish! really dunno how to tolerate nor kan kai. especially with kids, more conflicts.

like what enduring say, I am also feeling like a tenant in my own house. how pitiful, how unfair how unjustify!
 
porky_jean said:
hi enduring, ur FIL & MIL can apply their own flat together ?

mine is only MIL left...FIL not around alrdy. so die die she must stay in my house until she expired. seeing each other everyday is killing...but no choice now I got 2 kids and daily quarrel is unavoidable esp when u hv kids ! I knw they love my kids but the way we bring up is very different from last time. I hv my own ways of teaching my kids but she don't agreed. saying im too fierce etc..and even teach my kids to tell lies to me. eg. she gv my boy (4yo) drink cold stuff directly from the fridge at 9.30PM !!! omg how can such young child drink cold stuff at this hour ? and somemore he is coughing..then she told my boy "cannot tell mummy that ah ma gv u drink this ok else next time I wont gv u drink anymore" but kids are kids, they will say everything out when u suspect something not right...sign...luckily now I found this thread to rant...
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They can go apply for a flat, but they have not been working for at least 15-20years. They do not have an income and they don't have any savings. They will need to pay in full if they were to get a flat since no 1 is going to issue them a loan. They are not really very old but what they used to do is to sell their flat and gain some income to survive and then buy a new flat and sell after MOP to get cash again. (I seriously got very mad when I knew about this, I mean this is so wrong!!!) Which is why it ended up with my husband co-sharing the previous flat they stayed in when I met my husband. They could not afford the installment anymore and so my husband had to purchase a new flat with them and pay for it. I only knew about this a few years later.

I have been wondering why they have not been working much all their life but I guess I will never get an answer. To me, they are really very fortunate, because none of their children had given up on them and willing to look after them. But initially when we started staying tgt, I was really very depressed as they are always grumbling, not to me but my SILs that life is very meaningless for them, they are just waiting to die and so on, etc. Because they don't have enough money to have fun, go out (things they do includes, playing mahjong which is the bet is not small at all, buying 4D and toto, wanting to go genting to gamble)!! I couldn't understand why they were so demanding when they are unwilling to work!!! I don't mind giving them money for food and basic stuffs but gamble? They do not have to pay for anything in the house, everything is provided, they had an allowance so I do not see why there is a problem. I mean if you go out everyday, obviously you spend alot!

I come from a family where my dad works 7days a week and almost 360days a year just to provided for the family. So I don't see a reason why they don't want to work. I have ever suggest them to work part time, like going to the supermarket to stack products and so on, so that they can kill time and earn some income, but they do not want.

When they want to go for 1-2weeks holidays, my husband and my SILs never said no and always split the cost to allow them to go on trips.

But still, they are always complaining about life being miserable!!! (of cos not when I am around, I knew they don't really dare to say or comment much infront of me)

and yes you are right, we are all just ranting here. What can we really do when it is our husband's parents? Marriage after all is not just about 2 people but 2 families.
 
enduring, I cant agreed more with u. glad tt ur PILs had more children so they can look aft them when they are old. my PILs only had 2 sons. but only my hb is closed with them. my FIL had walk out of the family due to he cant stand my MIL anymore. no seperation deed or anything left behind, he jus suddenly walk out one day and never return, already 10yrs. MIL don't bother to look for him or wanted the sons to look for him. now he is alive or dead nobody know. even our wedding customary we are not allow to posted on FB or newspaper to ask him to attend. we don't hv any of his contact so we cant find him at all. now their elder son and DIL do not wan to hv anything related to MIL due to they find my MIL is a hassle and naggy...so she only had me & my hb to tk care of her when she is old. now my hb will gv her some money every week. yes its every week ! she also spent a lot of $ on unused stuff like Feng shui ornaments to place in our house which is not suitable with our deco but she don't care ! she spent $ on 4T, ToTo, Big sweep every week/month...end up hb got to pay for her 4D loans too...she used to work but alrdy stop working 5yrs ago as she said travelling to work everyday is tiring...she is almost 70yo now. we quarrel almost everyday at home bcos of the kids...without kids still ok cos I don't care wat she do or say. but having kids is v different...how she handle my kids or wat she feed them I don't like, I will say out...if kids napping, she likes to talk on the phone v loudly w her sister or friends. v annoying esp kids nap time is v precious for us, as we need some peace time to do our own stuff or hse work etc..but all these she bo chap
 
porky_jean said:
enduring, I cant agreed more with u. glad tt ur PILs had more children so they can look aft them when they are old. my PILs only had 2 sons. but only my hb is closed with them. my FIL had walk out of the family due to he cant stand my MIL anymore. no seperation deed or anything left behind, he jus suddenly walk out one day and never return, already 10yrs. MIL don't bother to look for him or wanted the sons to look for him. now he is alive or dead nobody know. even our wedding customary we are not allow to posted on FB or newspaper to ask him to attend. we don't hv any of his contact so we cant find him at all. now their elder son and DIL do not wan to hv anything related to MIL due to they find my MIL is a hassle and naggy...so she only had me & my hb to tk care of her when she is old. now my hb will gv her some money every week. yes its every week ! she also spent a lot of $ on unused stuff like Feng shui ornaments to place in our house which is not suitable with our deco but she don't care ! she spent $ on 4T, ToTo, Big sweep every week/month...end up hb got to pay for her 4D loans too...she used to work but alrdy stop working 5yrs ago as she said travelling to work everyday is tiring...she is almost 70yo now. we quarrel almost everyday at home bcos of the kids...without kids still ok cos I don't care wat she do or say. but having kids is v different...how she handle my kids or wat she feed them I don't like, I will say out...if kids napping, she likes to talk on the phone v loudly w her sister or friends. v annoying esp kids nap time is v precious for us, as we need some peace time to do our own stuff or hse work etc..but all these she bo chap
Click to expand...

jean, you are very accomodating towards your mil by letting her stay even though her the other son dun want her. so are you close with your BIL and his wife?
sometime i am thinking when we grow old, will we be like them too, so naggy? or old ppl are just like that. but i also have heard cases whereby DIL and MIL are able to accomodate each other and stay peacefully for years but why can't we?!

Your hub give her money each week and does he know that his mum spend on unnecessary stuff? Perhaps both mother and son can have a good talk. Nowadays living/children expenses are not cheap. So are u a full time stay home mum?

yup agree. stay together conflicts bound to arise. no way to escape. becos we handle kids differently. And they always have this mindset that they know better than us in handling children as how they brought up their own sons. so once things dun see eye to eye, quarrels are inevitable.

since both of you quarrel and clearly knows that you dun like her to meddle with your way of handling kids, then all the more she should stop meddling and stay aside. she can either go out with her frens or go cc for activities.

even her own husband choose to walk out from her, that clearly shows that your mil indeed is not an easy person to stay with or get along with. Previoulsy when u dun have kids and stay with her, is it relations better?
 
Its really not easy to stay with Inlaws :(
My ils have nv ever help me with my 3 kids at all before, not even once. Not even when I was sick.
I remember I was so sick that I can't bath my daughter and she ended up not bathing for 3 days.
There are so many things that they did but not worth making myself angry.
I just feel more upset than angry.

Now that my fil has passed on.. only left with my mil. All the more we must stay with her as my hub is the only son, and her sis is already married.
She has 2 sons and my mil is so enthusiastic to help her own daughter's kids but nv has she once initiate, or help me with my kids.

Its only when I have my 3rd child, my hubby got me a helper.
I guess I'm still lucky.

I think they hate me because me and my hub got married really young and they feel it's a disgrace to them.
 
maggie_m said:
Its really not easy to stay with Inlaws :(
My ils have nv ever help me with my 3 kids at all before, not even once. Not even when I was sick.
I remember I was so sick that I can't bath my daughter and she ended up not bathing for 3 days.
There are so many things that they did but not worth making myself angry.
I just feel more upset than angry.

Now that my fil has passed on.. only left with my mil. All the more we must stay with her as my hub is the only son, and her sis is already married.
She has 2 sons and my mil is so enthusiastic to help her own daughter's kids but nv has she once initiate, or help me with my kids.

Its only when I have my 3rd child, my hubby got me a helper.
I guess I'm still lucky.

I think they hate me because me and my hub got married really young and they feel it's a disgrace to them.
Click to expand...

maggie

where is your mil the other son? son u are a full time stay home mum?

aiya after all we are just their bypass dil, they are of cos so much closer to their own daughters. my mil also loves to help to take care f her daughter's kids, stuff etc.

so your mil now staying in your house? just ignore her and take care of your kids together with helper. Most impt is hubby support u.
 
wivi789 said:
jean, you are very accomodating towards your mil by letting her stay even though her the other son dun want her. so are you close with your BIL and his wife?
sometime i am thinking when we grow old, will we be like them too, so naggy? or old ppl are just like that. but i also have heard cases whereby DIL and MIL are able to accomodate each other and stay peacefully for years but why can't we?!

Your hub give her money each week and does he know that his mum spend on unnecessary stuff? Perhaps both mother and son can have a good talk. Nowadays living/children expenses are not cheap. So are u a full time stay home mum?

yup agree. stay together conflicts bound to arise. no way to escape. becos we handle kids differently. And they always have this mindset that they know better than us in handling children as how they brought up their own sons. so once things dun see eye to eye, quarrels are inevitable.

since both of you quarrel and clearly knows that you dun like her to meddle with your way of handling kids, then all the more she should stop meddling and stay aside. she can either go out with her frens or go cc for activities.

even her own husband choose to walk out from her, that clearly shows that your mil indeed is not an easy person to stay with or get along with. Previoulsy when u dun have kids and stay with her, is it relations better?
Click to expand...

i only met my BIL & his wife twice a yr..once on reunion dinner and once on CNY chu 1. their kids and our kids are not closed cos one yr met twice they cant rem each other much..even my son's bday party I invited them, but they never turn up on the actual day (thou by sms they said will try to come). my hb did talk to her don't anyhow buy things cos the weekly allowance is for her to buy food if necessary so must use it wisely..but she cannot control one, if go market see something she like or ppl do promoting kind, she will buy and said useful for us etc..end up also put one corner never use at all...waste of $ !!! Im a FTWM....previously no kids yet, im staying at her house...no conflicts at all cos we seldom see/talk to each other..only hide inside the room when im back from work. then my own hse got keys so we moved out...1yr later she sold her own hse and move into my hse cos hb gek kiang go ask her if she wanna stay w us...never seek my permission at all..nvm, I thot invite her to stay over will be good also cos she can help to tk care our kids..but more problems arised...sign...
 
wivi789 said:
maggie

where is your mil the other son? son u are a full time stay home mum?

aiya after all we are just their bypass dil, they are of cos so much closer to their own daughters. my mil also loves to help to take care f her daughter's kids, stuff etc.

so your mil now staying in your house? just ignore her and take care of your kids together with helper. Most impt is hubby support u.
Click to expand...

My mil only has one son, my hubby.
The 2 sons I'm talking about are my sil's sons.
My mil can drive to her son to fetch her and the sons out, to our plc or where ever. But when I urgently need someone to help, she's never here. Not even once.
Can u imagine during my 1 month confinement, she went on a 3 weeks holidays, leaving me to tend to my 2 elder kids and baby... When my newly maid was like shit.
Not to mention she was unhappy that my hub wanna get me a maid, she did a lot of NOTHING ( TOLD US SHE HELP US FIND). When I told her the helper must be here by March as I'm going to deliver in May and I need to train her. End up nothing was done until I call the agency myself. I ended up with a transfer maid cos I can't wait anymore.
I didn't want to but my mil said to just take la. Can transfer if we don't want. But she's not helping at all. The maid was a nightmare but luckily, my confinement lady is superb!

I'm a SAHM...

I'm staying with my Mil as my hub wanna take care of her.
I'm ok with it...
But she crossed the line when she went to shift and throw my things in my room when I brought my kids overseas with my parents.
I fought with my hub over this as many things I can close one eye, don't respect me, tell me to use the badly broken shoe racks when I said I want to buy one but they said there's no space for another, end up next week one new one came but not for me, for their daughter and tell me to use the broken one( one side of the doors is already dangling ), don't help me with my kids who are also their grandchildren...
 
i'm so glad to find this thread! i need somewhere to rant. sigh. mil/pil problems is never ending.

i actually dread the thought of my new bto flat coming next year. hopefully experienced DILs can give me some good advices about how to deal with the situation.

currently, i'm staying with the inlaws (flat is under their name, and will finish paying hdb loan in about 4-5 years). so far, there's no open discussion with them yet about the plan when our new flat (under husband's and my name) is ready.

my headache is when the new flat is ready. my husband and i have discussed about it privately and couldn't come to an agreement *SIGH*. and i know i have to give in somehow, because he is the only son, he has an elder sister (married with 3 kids). and parents should stay with the son rightfully (right?) even when he's married and has his own family. i guess that's how traditional his parents are.

the unhappy part about staying with inlaws are:
1) no privacy, which many of you here would know. and i think it's important (okay, for selfish reasons like cannot go bra-less around the house, cannot fart openly etc). no freedom - like watching TV in the living room and it's always THEIR channel (problem may be resolved if i get my own TV set in the room, but the room is already so packed! so i gave up on watching TV 2 years back, anyway no time or energy or mood)

2) different living habits - mostly i close one eye/both eyes. i know i'm too particular about cleanliness and cannot expect everyone to be like me. eg. like placing the toilet bowl brush next to the toilet basin for brushing teeth/washing hands, washing my daughter's clothes together with the adults' clothes (including husband and fil who smoke), walking around the house in shoes to get something they have forgotten just before leaving the house (lazy to take off shoes), probably a packet of tissue from the room etc. very unhygienic but i shall not comment because i do not do the housework here. i tried handwashing a few times and gave up (don't know how to use the washing machine), hang the clothes outside but also will get infected with cigarette smoke (fil sits outside to smoke). SIGH. i try to avoid staying in the house for long periods. everyday work 9am-6.30pm so leave home around 8am and come back around 8pm. doesn't feel like home at all :(

3) taking turns to use toilet - even when i've urgent needs, i dare not ask the person inside to hurry. just tahan until the person comes out. there are 4 adults and 3 kids (excluding my daughter) in the house most of the time. mil looks after sil's 3 kids

4) my room is open for all - mil looks after my daughter as well and my daughter's clothing, yaolan are inside my room. so need free access for all. the sil's kids (the nephews) will run in and out. i'm not in most of the time so cannot control. i know the kids run in and out and touch my things. so i try to keep everything in the cupboard, even my daughter's toys which i kept neatly in the cupboard at the top, the kids know and will help themselves to the toys without asking my permission. i 'safeguard' toys like puzzles, flash cards which are likely to have missing pieces after they play with them. after all they are bought with my hard earned money.

5) more to add when i recall them...


perhaps you all can advise me better. there are 3 possible scenarios when the new flat is ready.

1) The most IDEAL (and least likely to come true) - inlaws stay in current flat, we move to our new flat. happily ever after. i believe in only one woman heading the house (that's me!)
why this is least likely to happen: husband is the only son, traditional inlaws have the idea of staying with son, fil has plans to sell current flat to get money (he has cancer and thinks his life is short, so take the money and spend). mil may not agree to sell the flat but fil is the main owner (has the final say?). mil cannot get along with fil. they do not get along and hardly talk to each other, so mil definitely prefers to stay with us. i talk to her politely and did not quarrel with her before. only once was when my daughter was still a few months old. something happened, i cannot remember what it was. but she was unhappy with my husband and i. some disagreement about handling the baby. mil gave us cold shoulder for like 2 days over the weekend.

financially wise, we continue to give them monthly allowance and pay for utilities bill for both houses (inlaw's and ours). straining on our pockets but i will tahan!

don't know if it's me being overly sensitive, we went to a home TCM recently for 'tui na' because husband hurt his back. while waiting for the treatment, mil told me that the TCM uncle's DILs (2 of them) are staying with him. tell me this kind of fact for what?

2) Second best option - rent out inlaw's current flat, inlaws move in with us to new flat. OMG i cannot imagine the amount of barang barang and stuff and furniture to bring from the current old kind of bigger 4-room flat to the new smaller 4-room flat. the only consolation is the rental from the current flat can cover for their monthly allowance and living expenses. best for our financial situation IF they are okay with this arrangement.

3) Last scenario - fil insists on selling current flat. inlaws move in with us. we still give them monthly allowance and pay for all living expenses. no difference to scenario number 1, right?


i need to run now! shall continue typing tomorrow.
 
elyseq: You are right - societal norms in Singapore still dictates that the elderly parents stays with their son. But your situation is still quite open... indeed, the best option is that your in laws continue to stay in their current place, you live in your new BTO flat. But from an outsider, here are a few points for your consideration...

- childcare - now your MIL is taking care of your baby. What happens if you move out? What would be the ideal solution? Also consider this if you have another baby along the way.

- childcare for your SIL - so what would happen there, if your ILs do move in with you? You run a nursery from your new house?

- PIL selling flat - there is no "main" or "second" owner for HDB flats - unlike private property, I do not think HDB leases allow a co-owner to sell their half of the share without the consent of another. Also, a lot of people get conned after selling flat - like you said, think life is short and spend all the money - - now, what if life is not so short, afterall? Then what happens? What if the money is all spent and your MIL is left penniless? Esp so if ILs are not in good relationship! I used to work with some old folks, and I know some stories of how people with HDB Flats end up penniless - my advice is to avoid this! Always, ALWAYS keep the flat - like you said, rental income is enough to pay for monthly expenses.

- If ILs do not stay with you, how often would you see them? So you need to have a plan. Take something must give back something.

- How about give yourself sometime - say, 3years, or 5 years, or "at some point"... when your ILs or MIL really need that kind of support (e.g. if FIL passes away), or they need money (rent out the flat)... keep a room for them FOR THAT TIME. Until then, enjoy some couple time, little bit of family bonding time? Will this work?
 
I going to crazy soon with my mil. She really very very lazy. She didn't cook for my LO also didn't tell me. Just keep quiet. She really very irresponsible.
 
I don't know why she so bz......
Below schedule belong to my mil....

8 am wake up & wash up
8.15am watch tv
9am go pasar
10.30am cook lunch for my LO & having her bf
11.00am housekeeping
11.30am watch tv
2.30pm short nap
3.30pm cook dinner
4.30pm watch tv
9.30pm wash clothes
10.30pm watch tv
11.30pm sleep

All her friends say she very good life, childrens all so big liao. And got grandchildren some more. But her answer is don't say good life so early. From the schedule, this not call good life? No need take care of grandson/granddaughter..... most of the time watching tv.....
I also don't know y she no time to cook for lunch also. She will cook lunch only when her elder son work afternoon shift. Maybe 5 days /month
Even she didn't cook my lunch also didn't tell me. If I know she won't cook for lunch. Seriously I will buy all the food and cook for myself.
 
She just had her day surgery on her left eye. She no need to wash clothes for 2 weeks. And no need cook dinner for everyone. I don't understand why my LO lunch she can't cook also. My LO eat soup base like mee sua/macaroni. Don't tell me because oily. I will give her 1 word.... lazy.
This morning around 10am she bring all ingredients over and put all into fridge. I ask her, is it means that you won't cook lunch and dinner for my LO. She say ya... won't be cooking for 2 weeks. I just tell her bk, if u didn't cook pls must let me know. If I didn't see u bring over these, I will never know u didn't and won't cook lunch for LO. U tell me earlier then I can cook and buy food myself.
 
Even breakfast also.... already tell her no need buy my breakfast. Cos I prepare breakfast for myself and LO. Ask her no need to buy cos she always buy same thing. .. fried carrot cake & bread. Almost everyday she buy same thing. So I ask her do not buy anymore. But she buy again.... I ask her why buy mine breakfast tot already inform you no need to buy y still buy. Her answer is cos LO like to eat so I buy. Wah piang, then how can I alone finish so much breakfast? ?
I find out she always say she old liao.... actually is it not..... she is stubborn and lazy. Like to argue some more.
Yesterday she went out for check up. Lucky I wake up early and cook pork porridge as breakfast. She also didn't tell me she didn't cook LO de lunch. When she bk, I ask her why didn't cook LO de lunch also didn't let me know. Lucky I got porridge this early morning, if not she nothing to eat leh. She say she did tell me and she still tell me fish and meat all inside the fridge. Ask me take from there and cook for LO. After heard this, I tell her off. U really didn't tell me all this, if I know I won't ask u le. When u tell me. She just keep quiet.
She very very stubborn. No wonder all relative don't like talk to her and don't like buy food for her. She like to comment, won't appreciate ppl de.
 
Kim.. since you are not working, why not you cook lunch for your LO instead of your mil? I'm a SAHM too. Shifted out because I can't stand my in law.
 


Previously I cook for my LO too. Then my mil keep want take the job. She always cook very early than me. Then she bring to me say she done liao. End up whatever I buy de ingredients got to waste. So not I don't want cook for my LO. Is my mil keep want to cook for her.
 
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