Ladies I dun write here much cos I m always busy with kids now that maid has left. Guess what? I just found out on weekend that my hub is having an affair with his colleague. They have been together since beginning of year. He tells me he feels strongly for this woman cos I was never there for him. Our relationship has been strained for years cos he feels I am neglecting him n spending too much time with kids. He said I have changed n he doesn't feel love at all. While here I am slogging my way taking care of the kids n the household, I always wanted him to help out but he rarely does cos he travels every week from Monday to thursday. When he is back, he is catching up with his sleep. So I never tot he had the energy to hook up with another woman. Now, I m living in constant fear, insecurity, n helplessness. Pls kindly pray for our family. I am losing my sanity. I still have to look after kids n pretend nothing has happened while my heart is bleeding profusely. He said he will tell her to leave. He will break up with her. But he looks so painful when he was saying that. He said emotions r involve, so it is not as easy to cut it off. What shd I do now? I can't do anything except pray. Is there any counsellors out there to help my sanity?I really need to share with a counsellor.
Husband having affair n says I was the one who pushed him away
- Thread starter zepth
- Start date
What should I do? I love him but I can't stop thinking about him in bed with her. Shd I tell him to quit his job n look for another? My 2nd gal is only 2, ever since she was born, our marriage got worse. I admit I was resentful, I was bitter that he left me here to do single parenting. I was left alone to fight fires at home every day n he just comes home on weekends n treat it like a hotel. Yes, I was blinded by anger. I flare up all the time cos it's so stressful taking care of my super active kids. But that should not be the reason y he can stray isn't it? In fact he shd talk to me. He said my doors were shut n he is afraid of approaching me. Days become years n we have not communicate with each other. Just living separate lives under same roof. Now, I am in complete disbelief that he still has time for amother woman even though his job needs him 24/7. I ask myself if I have pushed him into the arms of this woman by neglecting him. I am going crazy. Losing sleep. Losing appetite n still have to run the household.
Zepth, be strong! I haven't visited this website for a long time but not sure why I revisit today and stumbled upon your posting. Did you watch the Taiwanese show '犀利人妻'? I thought it is a good representation of human psychology. When man chooses to irk, they will make up all sorts of reasons to convince themselves they have good reason to stray. They will find faults with the dutiful wife and make excuses that their feelings are neglected. What make them think their feelings are important n the wive's are not?
It's definitely horrible to visualize him sleeping and lusting after another woman but this is not what is important now. It has already happened. Cry your heart out after sending the kids to sleep. After that try to find time to send the kids away for a few hours to family if you have that support. You need to have a good talk with your husband alone. Don't alarm the kids.
Your husband is now blinded by infatuation with the colleague. It might be useful to remind him of your good old days n the hardship you went through giving birth to the kids n raising them. Unless that colleague is super woman, v fast she will also be emotionally entwined with your husband n she will also feel miserable having to sneak around n start to demand more from him.
Sad to say many men without mental wisdom falls into such acts. Many walked out of their family foolishly n then came back when the other woman is too much to handle. Even though it is like knife cut into your heart, remember you are not only one faced with such a problem. How you want the marriage to end up depend on your choices forward.
I will pray for you!
It's definitely horrible to visualize him sleeping and lusting after another woman but this is not what is important now. It has already happened. Cry your heart out after sending the kids to sleep. After that try to find time to send the kids away for a few hours to family if you have that support. You need to have a good talk with your husband alone. Don't alarm the kids.
Your husband is now blinded by infatuation with the colleague. It might be useful to remind him of your good old days n the hardship you went through giving birth to the kids n raising them. Unless that colleague is super woman, v fast she will also be emotionally entwined with your husband n she will also feel miserable having to sneak around n start to demand more from him.
Sad to say many men without mental wisdom falls into such acts. Many walked out of their family foolishly n then came back when the other woman is too much to handle. Even though it is like knife cut into your heart, remember you are not only one faced with such a problem. How you want the marriage to end up depend on your choices forward.
I will pray for you!
I agree with courage. Go watch '犀利人妻'.
To be honest. My hubby also strayed 3 yrs back. Very painful experience. His affair partner is 6 yrs my junior, 13 yrs his. She knows of my presence and yet she still commit into the relationship without further care.
Like you, I was broken. My youngest was just 2 yrs old then. I was devastated. Crying my heart out. Super vengeful towards him. Spiteful.... You name it, I'll admit to it.
But I woke up in time. I planned to leave him. But not to be with that woman. But to expose him in front of that woman. Making him left with nothing. I talked to that woman. Shared with her what kind of husband I have. I analysed how she met up with my husband, how my husband made her felt? The promises my husband gave... And she was damn speechless when I hit bulls eye in every single sentence made. Thus made her decision to leave him... knowing he was a player....
We both left him... One after another. But I should say, TOW did contact me after their break-up that my husband never looked her up the moment she walked out on him. In fact, my husband felt relieved when she walked out. He did had his share of infatuation with her but he realized that he cannot live without me and the boys....
What she also told me, after me and kids left, he was lost. He went berserk looking everywhere, texting me non stop and keep on calling my phone until the battery died. Apologies made on every single text. DOing every single thing he can to make me go back.
As SeR had said. Give yourself time and really think thoroughly. To forgive and forget? It's the hardest decision. Cos, once you'd forgiven, please forget. Look forward, never look back. I'd forgiven, and I'd moved forward. I want my sons to have a complete family. To have a father to grow up with.
I never spoke of that lady before. But I'm more aloof than before. Aloof but still show sufficient care and love towards my family. Letting him feel that he's still important and wanted. Making myself indispensable to him. Never mentioned about that woman anymore.
You must come first before everything else already. Please.... love yourself. Give yourself the respect that you yourself deserve it. Then you'll be clearer of the directions you are moving towards to.
God bless you.
To be honest. My hubby also strayed 3 yrs back. Very painful experience. His affair partner is 6 yrs my junior, 13 yrs his. She knows of my presence and yet she still commit into the relationship without further care.
Like you, I was broken. My youngest was just 2 yrs old then. I was devastated. Crying my heart out. Super vengeful towards him. Spiteful.... You name it, I'll admit to it.
But I woke up in time. I planned to leave him. But not to be with that woman. But to expose him in front of that woman. Making him left with nothing. I talked to that woman. Shared with her what kind of husband I have. I analysed how she met up with my husband, how my husband made her felt? The promises my husband gave... And she was damn speechless when I hit bulls eye in every single sentence made. Thus made her decision to leave him... knowing he was a player....
We both left him... One after another. But I should say, TOW did contact me after their break-up that my husband never looked her up the moment she walked out on him. In fact, my husband felt relieved when she walked out. He did had his share of infatuation with her but he realized that he cannot live without me and the boys....
What she also told me, after me and kids left, he was lost. He went berserk looking everywhere, texting me non stop and keep on calling my phone until the battery died. Apologies made on every single text. DOing every single thing he can to make me go back.
As SeR had said. Give yourself time and really think thoroughly. To forgive and forget? It's the hardest decision. Cos, once you'd forgiven, please forget. Look forward, never look back. I'd forgiven, and I'd moved forward. I want my sons to have a complete family. To have a father to grow up with.
I never spoke of that lady before. But I'm more aloof than before. Aloof but still show sufficient care and love towards my family. Letting him feel that he's still important and wanted. Making myself indispensable to him. Never mentioned about that woman anymore.
You must come first before everything else already. Please.... love yourself. Give yourself the respect that you yourself deserve it. Then you'll be clearer of the directions you are moving towards to.
God bless you.
lonelyheart
New Member
No point to continue once affairs are involved. Even if you can forgive, you can never forget, no matter how hard you try. Things will pop up that cause you to recall the affair. The trust is never going to be there again and you will continue to live in constant suspicions thinking what is he doing behind your back again. The affair will always come back to haunt you. It takes great courage to forgive as well as forget. Not many can do this. If you resolve to stay together, be prepared to really forgive and forget, else it will be marriage on surface or for the kids only.
Mirror once broken cannot be mended. 被刀砍到，伤口永远都在，不管你如何不去想它.
Infidelity is one wrong that you can never forgive and forget.
Mirror once broken cannot be mended. 被刀砍到，伤口永远都在，不管你如何不去想它.
Infidelity is one wrong that you can never forgive and forget.
i think the most important is whether is he serious in salvaging the marriage, what steps is he taking and what commitment is he giving. Don't be taken for a ride.
Also, if he is involved with a colleague, day in and day out they are seening each other. The affair might not stop.
Also, if he is involved with a colleague, day in and day out they are seening each other. The affair might not stop.
do u still trust the guy and can forget the entire bad experience? if not, then u know what u should consider. Unless u can live with it for the rest of your life/marriage.
no end to all these once spouse strays. have seen it in colleagues and relatives. one after another. very sad.
no end to all these once spouse strays. have seen it in colleagues and relatives. one after another. very sad.
kalpanasingh
New Member
This kind of situations arises due to misunderstandings, so just relax and give him some time to be with you and all will be good.
I disagree with Kimberly. Every1 needs a second chance. If they mis use the forgiveness it is their choice of game over. I witnessed a female friend strayed because her husband was more concerned with playing Internet games over her n kids. He gave her a second chance and tried to change for the better. By choice my friend felt her husband really cannot make it and went back to her lover who gave her false hope that he will care for her n kids. Her marriage ended up in divorce and her lover left her subsequently. To me, it was her choice then to not work on her own marriage. She regreted it later but by then her ex husband found another woman who can accept him for who he is.
If you still love the spouse n he/ she is willing to change, give it a 2nd chance. If he does not treasure the forgiveness ( which is extremely painful to cope for the victim but given in a last leap of faith), then you can be truthful to yourself to make a decision on way forward.
phoenix_sky31
New Member
If you are willing to forgive him then you must forget what he had done and move on. If you can't then no point as you will always bring it up whenever something happen. This is providing that he is willing to change and stay on this marriage nt because of money but because he still love you and the kids.
Thank u all for ur comments. After a week of crying, screaming, emotional roller coaster, I have finally come to terms with that. I told him I am willing to make it work although most of the conversations evolved around how much I want to leave. I wanted to leave cos it is just too much to bear but on the other hand I have two young gals. What r they going to do? Who r they going to follow? I really dunoo how much this is going to affect them. Anyway, guess what was his reaction? He said he realized we have become very different, complete strangers. He dunno if it is at all worth it n the journey is going to be painful n he dunno if he can last that long. He said he is tired. He can't think. He just want to love himself now. So now, my marriage is in limbo. We r still parents to the galls but that is about it. Sigh
newlife2010
Member
yes, agree. lookout for him
Zepth,
You had allowed him to have more power and control over the whole situation. You are giving him a chance and yet he can say all that?!?! It's totally unacceptable to me in all ways.
Do you have parents whom are willing to take you back for a while? Please do not lower yourself to just sit back and allow him to think while you are the passive one, standing one side to receive his changes. Do something. Walk out, go back to your family without telling him. Allow yourself time to be away from him. It will let you clear your mind and allow you the space to understand, you actually don't need him.
The girls are still so young. They can come to terms with it. Like the other time when I left with my kids. I had actually learnt to be more independent. I felt more carefree, and my kids are actually happier. The once a week meet-up the other time with daddy is more than enough for them. Cos he actually spent quality time with them. More than when we were together, the boys said.
Be strong Zepth. You deserve happiness.
You had allowed him to have more power and control over the whole situation. You are giving him a chance and yet he can say all that?!?! It's totally unacceptable to me in all ways.
Do you have parents whom are willing to take you back for a while? Please do not lower yourself to just sit back and allow him to think while you are the passive one, standing one side to receive his changes. Do something. Walk out, go back to your family without telling him. Allow yourself time to be away from him. It will let you clear your mind and allow you the space to understand, you actually don't need him.
The girls are still so young. They can come to terms with it. Like the other time when I left with my kids. I had actually learnt to be more independent. I felt more carefree, and my kids are actually happier. The once a week meet-up the other time with daddy is more than enough for them. Cos he actually spent quality time with them. More than when we were together, the boys said.
Be strong Zepth. You deserve happiness.
KitKatBreak
Member
Are the gals out there so hungry for man to the extend of having an affair with a married man. The world is indeed changing... By the way, any idea whether the other party is a local or foreigner?
moorspa7
Member
Caterpilly,
Are you separated from yr husband? I hv read yr postings 1-2 yrs back that you hv forgiven him. I feel you hv changed compared to yr previous postings. Did things improve or deteriorate? Do you mind sharing or you can pm me as I would like to know how you handled yr marriage.
Are you separated from yr husband? I hv read yr postings 1-2 yrs back that you hv forgiven him. I feel you hv changed compared to yr previous postings. Did things improve or deteriorate? Do you mind sharing or you can pm me as I would like to know how you handled yr marriage.
Caterpilly, i really envy you for having the courage to end all this.
Zepth
I am also in the same situation as you. My husband committed adultery with a prostitute and told me to make himself feel better and ask for forgiveness. I was taken back. He did that because he is depressed.He told me not to tell anyone but i told my mil. My mil asked me to tolerate this period until it is over. However i cannot take it anymore as he verbally abused me. He thought that i forgave him so he continued to abuse me verbally.
My in laws including my sil asked me to give in to him beco he was depressed. But are they able to forgive their hb if he committed adultery too?
Now i will keep thinking about how he bedded the prostitute. The excitement of eating the forbidden fruit although he is worried that he will get STDs.The trust is no longer there and things will never be the same. I am contemplating divorce, thinking how to go about it.
Zepth
I am also in the same situation as you. My husband committed adultery with a prostitute and told me to make himself feel better and ask for forgiveness. I was taken back. He did that because he is depressed.He told me not to tell anyone but i told my mil. My mil asked me to tolerate this period until it is over. However i cannot take it anymore as he verbally abused me. He thought that i forgave him so he continued to abuse me verbally.
My in laws including my sil asked me to give in to him beco he was depressed. But are they able to forgive their hb if he committed adultery too?
Now i will keep thinking about how he bedded the prostitute. The excitement of eating the forbidden fruit although he is worried that he will get STDs.The trust is no longer there and things will never be the same. I am contemplating divorce, thinking how to go about it.
Alisa, kind of same like u, my husband admitted to affair of more than 3 months but denied anything more than huggings........worst he did not ask for forgiveness and no change in his attitude towards our marriage and we are like stranger for more than a month now.... NOT a Single word of communication...(he left w/o a 'bye' to anyone at home each day and come back only after everyone is sound asleep at 3/4am daily). I really envy lots of mummies out there have the courage to end the marriage....... but I juz can't find mine.... coz I am SAHM of 3 w/o earnings and no alternative help/support available.... even my own mother......I hint to her that can I move back with my kids to her place and need her help to look after the youngest(3) while I look hot job .... But was given a cold shoulder. She said marriage daughter are like the water that splashed out ---y come backand moreover this is the kind of man I choose to married, I hv to bear all consequences......and even suggest I give up all the kids or sell them away to those couple w/o kids..... I tried to enrol my youngest into cc so that i can at least go out and find a job but was able to place him only under long waiting list.................currently, I really have no way out but to stay put in this meaningless marriage thinking that maybe I can tolerate for a 1/2 yrs till youngest in school or till the others 2 elders complete their primary school education... But something unfortunate happened to my MIL (my relationship with her not very good since day 1- long long story and also I am of different faith from them) . She had a fall last week, fracture her hip bone, admitted to hospital and a OP done only yesterday. My husband briefly informed me of the fall thru SMS last week and no more follow up....even when I ask or SMS him......... These two days, he did not come home claiming that he stay in hospital to attend to his mum and worst his even send me a msg stated that if I not happy with him so far, get a lawyer and he will sign the paper, he even mentioned to sell this house and move back to his parent place so that he can and able to take better care of them............!!! What am I going to do now???? Am total lost!! He fault but I bear all the consequence, he take this as an excuse to back out from the marriage and move on while I am stucked nowhere with kids.....the house is still heavily o/s plus lots of others utility o/s too.... Even after sell of the house and deductions of everything's, I am dun think I be able to obtain anything visible amt to get myself a roof for kids and meself........... Help!!! Any kind mummies out there hv any
advices, suggestions, solutions to share if you are in my shoe...... What were u do? Pls advice urgently..... Many many thanks .......
advices, suggestions, solutions to share if you are in my shoe...... What were u do? Pls advice urgently..... Many many thanks .......
Actually prior to my last week visit to hospital, I was still hestitate whether or not to let my in-laws know about his son wrongdoing ( affair) ..... coz afterall my husband been their son, so they r definitely on he side........... But to my surprise, both of them said they noticed some changes in their son (behaviour) too...... and understand that the fault must be with their son but they r not going to interfere into our marriage...we are all adults and they are too old....... can only advice me to 'ren' for the sake of the children, to take real good care of myself and their grandchildren................. Sigh !!!!!
susanna_low
New Member
Lynn, are u soontomum?
http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/cgi-bin/forumboard/show.cgi?5/6880728
I can say ur hb is really getting from bad to worse, he doesn't even want to return home now n only think of himself and get the best for himself without sparing a thought for the kids.
Don't let him sell the house and you n the kids will be landed to no where.
You better be strong and stop him from bullying you!
Pack his things and throw all his lousy things out. chase him back to his parents hse, such a jerk n don't come back anymore!! Get your mp help to get legal aid, get childcare for your youngest kid, get a job and rent out a room for extra income.
Please get the actions FAST for u n your kids. Your hb is already executing his actions, stop wasting your time anymore.
Kick his butt out before he take advantage of you.
http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/cgi-bin/forumboard/show.cgi?5/6880728
I can say ur hb is really getting from bad to worse, he doesn't even want to return home now n only think of himself and get the best for himself without sparing a thought for the kids.
Don't let him sell the house and you n the kids will be landed to no where.
You better be strong and stop him from bullying you!
Pack his things and throw all his lousy things out. chase him back to his parents hse, such a jerk n don't come back anymore!! Get your mp help to get legal aid, get childcare for your youngest kid, get a job and rent out a room for extra income.
Please get the actions FAST for u n your kids. Your hb is already executing his actions, stop wasting your time anymore.
Kick his butt out before he take advantage of you.
moorspa7
Member
Hi Lynnang2,
Sorry to hear this. It seems yr husband is using emotional torture on you so that u will initiate divorce. Whether you want to divorce or not, it is up to you. He wants a divorce but not taking any actions. He is simply too lazy to break up but choose to torture you emotionally. If I were you, I'll not let him hv his way. I'll keep my calm, so that he can't predict my emotions. He doesn't want to pay for lawyer fees so he is waiting for you to initiate divorce.
You can look up AWARE in the internet. I think they hv free legal advice. Look up this link, http://www.aware.org.sg/support-services/legal-services/. Get legal advice on current situation and see what can be done. You need to help yrself by keeping calm and don't expect anything from yr hubby, as his heart is not with u and the kids. He just want to take an easy way out, and waiting for you to leave him. Stop thinking what he should do after betraying you, stop those negative thoughts and focus what you shld do to help yrself and yr kids. Those negative thoughts will only deplete yr energy and make you weak. It is not worth it as I hv been through it. I can't help you much but I can only tell you to be positive and strong for yr own sake. I believe a solution will come to you once you start to help yrself. All is not lost, I believe you can do it but you need to start to help yrself now.
Sorry to hear this. It seems yr husband is using emotional torture on you so that u will initiate divorce. Whether you want to divorce or not, it is up to you. He wants a divorce but not taking any actions. He is simply too lazy to break up but choose to torture you emotionally. If I were you, I'll not let him hv his way. I'll keep my calm, so that he can't predict my emotions. He doesn't want to pay for lawyer fees so he is waiting for you to initiate divorce.
You can look up AWARE in the internet. I think they hv free legal advice. Look up this link, http://www.aware.org.sg/support-services/legal-services/. Get legal advice on current situation and see what can be done. You need to help yrself by keeping calm and don't expect anything from yr hubby, as his heart is not with u and the kids. He just want to take an easy way out, and waiting for you to leave him. Stop thinking what he should do after betraying you, stop those negative thoughts and focus what you shld do to help yrself and yr kids. Those negative thoughts will only deplete yr energy and make you weak. It is not worth it as I hv been through it. I can't help you much but I can only tell you to be positive and strong for yr own sake. I believe a solution will come to you once you start to help yrself. All is not lost, I believe you can do it but you need to start to help yrself now.
Susanna, tks for reading my post.... Yes, I am soontomum of 3 singlely........ ........ I had attended a free legal clinic, but think it free that y time is limited to only 10 min per person and they provide very brief advice.... was told to get a good lawyer to fight for my case which I can't afford.... likewise for PI for concrete evidence - charges too X. Actually, I know what I need to do now-kick him out and get out of this marriage as soon as possible, but I cannot and am stucked....... Current house is not our first house after marriage (we shifted house due to schooling purpose), i did contribute $$ to the very first house but no this (coz there and then i already stop working and w/o any income), so even though i had my name stated jointly here but i do not contribute a single cent to this house and all expense .... am i able to kick him out just like that? Am I able to stop the sell of this house.....?? Can he contest or insist that I hv no contribution so far thus I hv no say??? Btw, current house is an 'EC', does it come under MP care? or only HDB?
susanna_low
New Member
Lynn, though you are doing things too but the pace is still not fast enough n you are too soft hearted. Hence that man is stepping all over you.
I think the best now is to see the MP, bring the kids and see the mp, they can advise n help you better. In the event of divorce, custody of the kids n the matrimonial house usually goes to the mum and he has to pay monthly alimony too.
If he is really so heartless, I don't see why is there a need to be lenient to him.
I think the best now is to see the MP, bring the kids and see the mp, they can advise n help you better. In the event of divorce, custody of the kids n the matrimonial house usually goes to the mum and he has to pay monthly alimony too.
If he is really so heartless, I don't see why is there a need to be lenient to him.
Tks moorspa, Yes, agreed with u, he want a easy way out but do not want to engager a lawyer to avoid cost at his end and also he is the one at fault. Sad but true only till todate, then I realized I married a very Scheming person...... previously keep asking for my innocent and wholeheartedly trust and understanding for his 'busy working schedule' and even shower me with flower and kids with present to gain ours trust that he indeed care for us....... Upon unveil of his wrongdoing, everything's change overnight.........He choose to use silent treatment to avoid the whole issue, stalling of time but to me or kids, is the worst kind of emotional abuse compare to physical abuse. Coz I cannot hv any evidence to hold against him or apply for PPO for silent abuse... It is a kind of punishment used by him to make me/us feel that I am unimportant, not valued, not cared about and completely absent from his thought.......... I was once like u, thought I can and able to hold my calm in order not to let him predict my emotion and not to let him hv his easy way out..........If he want to create more sin, let him be........ But found that is way too torturing........everyday .. With marriage problems, family problems, financial problems, studying problems, toddlers problems ........ I am really worn out ......ha since lost nearly5-6kg.................. can't focus myself recently. And also thank Susanna , I will take ur advice to sort help from the MP, not to sure if of any help .......(actually, I am just a very traditional or 'bor chap' housewife who wants nothing more than a blissful family life), so kind of blur blur, which constituency i belong to or who is the MP for my ward, I also dun no.......
moorspa7
Member
I understand what you are going through. I hv tried keeping calm before and I could not handle it after a week, cos I didn't really let go and I was going around in circles. It is a vicious cycle. The more you can't accept the fact that you hv married someone who is not true to you, the more miserable you will become. I feel you are in the vicious cycle now, it's easy for yr husband to be indifferent but not for you. It is an emotional struggle for women but you must learn to accept and let go, and only you can do it. Nobody can do that for you. It is yr choice whether you want to be happy or not every single day.
With or without your husband, life goes on. The more expectations you hv on yr husband, the more disappointed you become. I feel this is an obstacle you hv to overcome, if you don't overcome it, you will encounter more and more problems. I was like you, I just want to hv a blissful family with a faithful husband. Over the 2 yrs, I hv self reflected and realized life is not perfect and will not go according to our wishes. When I realized something, I talk to my husband abt it. I voiced out my opinions on him, surprisingly as time goes by, he start to realize he is the wrong. I always question him if I were to do the same to him, how would he feel? I am lucky that my husband loves the kids and spends time with them.
As I start to accept the betrayal, I feel peace and my mind is clearer. I hv not really forgiven him yet, but i am more at peace now. You need to be independent, gather as much information as possible, shld he take action one day. At least, you will be prepared when the day comes. I did my research on divorce when I felt divorce was a way out. It's a knowledge learnt and it's better than not knowing anything. You don't know who is yr MP, you can always ask yr neighbours. Susanna has given you a good suggestion, whether you want to take it, it is your CHOICE. Whether you still want to remain in this vicious cycle, it is your CHOICE too. Your husband can torture you emotionally, it is yr choice whether you want to accept and react with negativity.. Pple can be nasty to us, whether we want to feel hurt or ignore it, it is our choice. You can choose to leave yr husband, accept what he had done to you or forgive him. If you can't choose either one, then you will be very miserable.
I am telling u this cos it took me so long to realize all this, and it is not worth being unhappy for too long. I hope you can overcome this obstacle soon and you will realize how strong you are. You can do it as long you put yr mind to it.
With or without your husband, life goes on. The more expectations you hv on yr husband, the more disappointed you become. I feel this is an obstacle you hv to overcome, if you don't overcome it, you will encounter more and more problems. I was like you, I just want to hv a blissful family with a faithful husband. Over the 2 yrs, I hv self reflected and realized life is not perfect and will not go according to our wishes. When I realized something, I talk to my husband abt it. I voiced out my opinions on him, surprisingly as time goes by, he start to realize he is the wrong. I always question him if I were to do the same to him, how would he feel? I am lucky that my husband loves the kids and spends time with them.
As I start to accept the betrayal, I feel peace and my mind is clearer. I hv not really forgiven him yet, but i am more at peace now. You need to be independent, gather as much information as possible, shld he take action one day. At least, you will be prepared when the day comes. I did my research on divorce when I felt divorce was a way out. It's a knowledge learnt and it's better than not knowing anything. You don't know who is yr MP, you can always ask yr neighbours. Susanna has given you a good suggestion, whether you want to take it, it is your CHOICE. Whether you still want to remain in this vicious cycle, it is your CHOICE too. Your husband can torture you emotionally, it is yr choice whether you want to accept and react with negativity.. Pple can be nasty to us, whether we want to feel hurt or ignore it, it is our choice. You can choose to leave yr husband, accept what he had done to you or forgive him. If you can't choose either one, then you will be very miserable.
I am telling u this cos it took me so long to realize all this, and it is not worth being unhappy for too long. I hope you can overcome this obstacle soon and you will realize how strong you are. You can do it as long you put yr mind to it.
Tks moorspa, do understand what u trying to say. Of course I know life with or without him still goes on, in fact long (2-3 yrs ago) before finding out his affair, our family life also not as complete or perfect as it seem to be to people who know us.... most of the time (90%), I am the sole parent involve in my kids daily life activities. To be true, sad but true, we kind of used to it without him involve physically. Kids and Me feel uneasy, restricted and hv less fun with him around . It is now that, he did it so obviously that we are long not exist in his life (it also seem like he can't wait to get rid of us (his immediate family, his responsiblities) asap -so he can enjoy as a freeman again) by using silent treatment and thru sms to force me to initiate the divorce for his own betrayed of this marriage that anger me. As for u, at least your husband still love the kids and willing to spend time on them...... Mine, not at all..not even when they are unwell, he is nowhere to be found.....(he also did said that he want to be a provider ($) only and nothings else) ... But as a provider, he did not provide us in full??
My main concern is a CONFIRMED roof over our heads and be financially independent. If not, by filing 'D', I be very hard (for my age 43 and left workforce for close to 13yrs) and busy looking for jobs, struggling to meet end needs (for all the 4 of us) --- I definietly won't be able to be there for my kids physically and emotionally when they need me the most.....(when they already lack of father love and care).....
moorspa7
Member
Since you know yr life goes on with or without yr husband, you shld not wallow in sadness and move on with yr life. If yr concern is the house, you can check with HDB on the issue of divorce and what is the settlement like. You hv to be proactive in finding information on all these. You need to find out as much information as possible to help yrself.
Even if you hv no religion, you can always pray to god if u believe there is one. God is also the one who help me to recover. No one can help you if you don't help yrself. You hv the answers to yrself already, it's just that you still can't accept that yr husband is not remorseful for betraying you. I hv a question, why did you allow yr husband to give you an allowance of $50 a week? Did you not think of asking him to raise yr allowance? I hv read yr previous postings under another username, it seems that both of you do not communicate much and this causes yr marriage to breakdown. Hope you can find the light at end of the tunnel. Take care.
Even if you hv no religion, you can always pray to god if u believe there is one. God is also the one who help me to recover. No one can help you if you don't help yrself. You hv the answers to yrself already, it's just that you still can't accept that yr husband is not remorseful for betraying you. I hv a question, why did you allow yr husband to give you an allowance of $50 a week? Did you not think of asking him to raise yr allowance? I hv read yr previous postings under another username, it seems that both of you do not communicate much and this causes yr marriage to breakdown. Hope you can find the light at end of the tunnel. Take care.
Moorspa, iptbaf, tks for kind advices. Moorspa, as for the $50/week allowance, actually it used to be $50/month instead. To him or me at that time, this is so call 'extra money', becoz everything's in the house is paid by him including twice weekly groceries shopping and marketing....since our arrival of 1st kid..... Sparing a tot for him that he is the only breadwinner to take care of us, and at that time I still hv a bit of saving of my own...and with kid to take care and also dun really hv chances or time to go out and spend $...thus, I did not ask for more. Then, come the 2nd kid, any shortfall, I just used my own saving to top up and adhoc grocery and kids needs, plus small saving to open kids a/c..... By then, my own saving running low and his pay increases over the years, I did mentioned to him $50/ month is insufficient .....(think I am not firm enough with him, coz each time I raised this issue, he will tell me, he had lot of bills to settle to maintain this family and not much to spare......and this carry on until abt 3yrs ago when my youngest arrived... it then increased to $50/week). Then, now year past, my 2 elder been primary school kids, 2 ways tpt by public buses daily (their dad had a car but not keen and now refuse to send them) and some also some adhoc school expenditure (extra reference book or outings) require more $, and all this to come out from the $50/week allowance........... Asked from him countless time, told him that there is really a need to do some adjustment, but he just simply ignore...................no answer or solution to it..............days, months and years.....till now. There is nothing i can do if he refused....... only upon recently checking and trying to trace for evidences for his wrongdoings that I found out the he is willingly spending big monies and times with others and wrong places and not like what he claimed lot of bills to settled to maintain this family..... And also only now then I found out he is very much highly paid....(but yet lot of home bills are o/s)
moorspa7
Member
Lynn,
Right now at this moment, you hv to think for yrself and yrself only. Like what iptbaf, you hv to plan for yrself. Make the decisions yrself without any external influence. From so many advices gathered in this forum, you hv to find one that suits you best. You can talk abt the past how he n yr in laws treated u, those are in the past and it is over. Learn from yr mistakes and do not let pple take advantage of u. I hv learnt from my mistakes and move on. Being considerate to a sole breadwinner only makes us a fool cos while we are trying to save every penny, they are using the saved money to flirt with other women. You hv to be tougher and more assertive than him, show him u are not a weakling and mean business. I hope you will be proactive from now on, cos you are the only one who can help yrself.
What Susanna taught you is useful, but u hv to put it to action before u can see changes. As long u are not coming out of yr comfort zone, yr situation will remain the same and you are also condoning his actions.
Right now at this moment, you hv to think for yrself and yrself only. Like what iptbaf, you hv to plan for yrself. Make the decisions yrself without any external influence. From so many advices gathered in this forum, you hv to find one that suits you best. You can talk abt the past how he n yr in laws treated u, those are in the past and it is over. Learn from yr mistakes and do not let pple take advantage of u. I hv learnt from my mistakes and move on. Being considerate to a sole breadwinner only makes us a fool cos while we are trying to save every penny, they are using the saved money to flirt with other women. You hv to be tougher and more assertive than him, show him u are not a weakling and mean business. I hope you will be proactive from now on, cos you are the only one who can help yrself.
What Susanna taught you is useful, but u hv to put it to action before u can see changes. As long u are not coming out of yr comfort zone, yr situation will remain the same and you are also condoning his actions.
fantasiaval
Member
Lynn, think for yself...do not think for others..not even for the kids..tats my advise to u.
