I am not sure how to start this except to say that I desperately need some wisdoms. Someone recommended this site even though I am not currently residing in Singapore. I am currently in the US. I must warn you that my story is quite long but please be patience w me. I tried to shortened it as much as possible and only included the major events leading up to my current dilemma.
So here goes ….
My husband and I met during graduate schools, both were living on student loans and stipends…needless to say, we were there for each other when we had nothing. He was a Chinese international student and I was the black sheep in my family. We did not have any help from our family. Despite not having a lot, we loved each other and our relationship was great. He proposed after 1.5 years and we had a court wedding (best $40 spent). So what’s the problem?
The problem: mother in law. I never met my mother in law until after we got married. We invited her to come over and stay with us for 6 months (big mistake) right after our court wedding. I figured, she raised such an amazing man…how bad can she be? I am also Chinese so I understand the concept of respecting your elders. Oh how wrong/naive I was. During the first week she stayed with us, she called me fat repeatedly. I was 125lbs. She said that I am not delicate because I conversed w my husband as if he’s my equal and that’s unacceptable. The worst thing she said to me was “Don’t expect too much from this marriage. Don’t have kids w my son because this marriage isn’t going to last. Having kids will only make it harder for my son to leave you.” Only 5.5 months left to go…no biggie. So I threw away my dignity and self respect away and allowed this woman to be verbally cruel. I did whatever she asked, be as cordial and respectful as possible….
She returned to china. Things were great again!!! We graduated, worked, and finally can afford to go on real actual dates. Fast forward a couple years, my husband and I decided to visit China for an entire month so that I can finally meet all his families. I found out that I was pregnant 2 days before our flight. We decided to continue w our plan after I received the OK from my OB to travel since i was only 5-6 weeks along. This was my first time traveling back to China. Cultural shock would be an understatement. We stayed w my mother in law (huge mistake). The first couple of days were fine until the fatigue kicked in. The pregnancy fatigue coupled with prolonged lack of sleep made it difficult for me to even get out of bed. Then the morning sickness kicked in…I was vomiting 2-3x a day. One day, I noticed spotting which freaked me out. We went to the local hospital and had an ultrasound. I was told that I miscarried. The shock, the devastation, the guilt…all rushed to me at once. The doctor blamed me for not taking care of myself and recommended me to take medication to ‘force’ out the remnants. I refused. My husband pushed me to take the medications….I stood my ground and refused! We fought multiple times about this during our stay.
That same night, I told my husband that I want to return to the US and that he can stay in China w his family. I explained that I want to return so that I can get a second opinion and frankly, I just want peace and quiet. The next morning, I woke up to my mother in law scolding me. She accused of me “faking everything to get my husband’s attention”. She expressed her hatred towards me as well. “Having you in my home is like having a corpse here” ..”you’re so selfish. You can’t let my son enjoy anything” “I’ve never seen any pregnant woman as sick as you” “I never accepted you and never will accept you” were some of the things she said me…in front of my husband. I just stood there and stared at my husband, praying that he would save me from this. Nothing. Not a single word came out of his mouth. I was crying uncontrollably and I yelled out “that’s not true! I didn’t pretend to be sick”. All I heard was a loud “SHUT UP!!!”……coming from my husband. The shut up was directed at me. My mother in law then proceeded to kick me out of her home. Yes. She told me to get out of her home…that I wasn’t welcomed in her home.
I rented a hotel for the rest of the trip. No, my husband didn’t stay w me. He stayed w his mom. His explanation “she needs him there”. Why didn’t I fly back? Because I was stupid…utterly stupid.
Flash forward, we flew back to the US and rushed to the hospital to get an ultrasound. It turned out that I was carrying twin and miscarried one. I was still carrying one healthy fetus. Speechless. I was so glad that I refused to take any abortifacient. I was so glad to trust my gut and not trust the doctors over there. I was so glad i stood my ground and fought with my husband.
It’s been 3 years since that trip and I’ve forgiven my husband. We are very happy now and our baby girl is healthy and happy. I am not sure how long this peace and happiness will last….my mother in law will be coming to live w us permanently in a couple months. Please note that we support her financially 100% and she has an amazing life over there. She also has other kids and grandkids over there as well. I honestly don’t know why she wants to come here where she has no friends, no relatives, can’t speak the language..
What I have written here is just a very small portion of what I’ve went through w her. I am not seeking sympathy. I am really hoping for some wisdoms/advices on how to deal w her. As of now, I avoid her as much as possible. I sent her gifts and offer my greetings whenever my husband is on the phone w her. I keep my interactions w her to a minimal…history taught me that the more I talk, the more ammunitions I am giving her …..
So here I am…
Do you have any advice on how to deal w a manipulative mother in law?
How can I show my husband that he becomes a completely different person when she’s around? (From a caring loving husband to a robot that only takes orders from his mom)
Ideally, how can I convinced my husband that it’s not a good idea for her to live w us?
is there anyone on here who’s divorced because of an in law? Please share your thoughts…..
I’ve been having nightmares about our family falling apart because of her. I even have mini panic attacks when I think of her.
Any wisdoms/advices would be appreciated. (Writing this at 3am on my cellphone, please disregard any grammatical/spelling/typos errors)
So here goes ….
My husband and I met during graduate schools, both were living on student loans and stipends…needless to say, we were there for each other when we had nothing. He was a Chinese international student and I was the black sheep in my family. We did not have any help from our family. Despite not having a lot, we loved each other and our relationship was great. He proposed after 1.5 years and we had a court wedding (best $40 spent). So what’s the problem?
The problem: mother in law. I never met my mother in law until after we got married. We invited her to come over and stay with us for 6 months (big mistake) right after our court wedding. I figured, she raised such an amazing man…how bad can she be? I am also Chinese so I understand the concept of respecting your elders. Oh how wrong/naive I was. During the first week she stayed with us, she called me fat repeatedly. I was 125lbs. She said that I am not delicate because I conversed w my husband as if he’s my equal and that’s unacceptable. The worst thing she said to me was “Don’t expect too much from this marriage. Don’t have kids w my son because this marriage isn’t going to last. Having kids will only make it harder for my son to leave you.” Only 5.5 months left to go…no biggie. So I threw away my dignity and self respect away and allowed this woman to be verbally cruel. I did whatever she asked, be as cordial and respectful as possible….
She returned to china. Things were great again!!! We graduated, worked, and finally can afford to go on real actual dates. Fast forward a couple years, my husband and I decided to visit China for an entire month so that I can finally meet all his families. I found out that I was pregnant 2 days before our flight. We decided to continue w our plan after I received the OK from my OB to travel since i was only 5-6 weeks along. This was my first time traveling back to China. Cultural shock would be an understatement. We stayed w my mother in law (huge mistake). The first couple of days were fine until the fatigue kicked in. The pregnancy fatigue coupled with prolonged lack of sleep made it difficult for me to even get out of bed. Then the morning sickness kicked in…I was vomiting 2-3x a day. One day, I noticed spotting which freaked me out. We went to the local hospital and had an ultrasound. I was told that I miscarried. The shock, the devastation, the guilt…all rushed to me at once. The doctor blamed me for not taking care of myself and recommended me to take medication to ‘force’ out the remnants. I refused. My husband pushed me to take the medications….I stood my ground and refused! We fought multiple times about this during our stay.
That same night, I told my husband that I want to return to the US and that he can stay in China w his family. I explained that I want to return so that I can get a second opinion and frankly, I just want peace and quiet. The next morning, I woke up to my mother in law scolding me. She accused of me “faking everything to get my husband’s attention”. She expressed her hatred towards me as well. “Having you in my home is like having a corpse here” ..”you’re so selfish. You can’t let my son enjoy anything” “I’ve never seen any pregnant woman as sick as you” “I never accepted you and never will accept you” were some of the things she said me…in front of my husband. I just stood there and stared at my husband, praying that he would save me from this. Nothing. Not a single word came out of his mouth. I was crying uncontrollably and I yelled out “that’s not true! I didn’t pretend to be sick”. All I heard was a loud “SHUT UP!!!”……coming from my husband. The shut up was directed at me. My mother in law then proceeded to kick me out of her home. Yes. She told me to get out of her home…that I wasn’t welcomed in her home.
I rented a hotel for the rest of the trip. No, my husband didn’t stay w me. He stayed w his mom. His explanation “she needs him there”. Why didn’t I fly back? Because I was stupid…utterly stupid.
Flash forward, we flew back to the US and rushed to the hospital to get an ultrasound. It turned out that I was carrying twin and miscarried one. I was still carrying one healthy fetus. Speechless. I was so glad that I refused to take any abortifacient. I was so glad to trust my gut and not trust the doctors over there. I was so glad i stood my ground and fought with my husband.
It’s been 3 years since that trip and I’ve forgiven my husband. We are very happy now and our baby girl is healthy and happy. I am not sure how long this peace and happiness will last….my mother in law will be coming to live w us permanently in a couple months. Please note that we support her financially 100% and she has an amazing life over there. She also has other kids and grandkids over there as well. I honestly don’t know why she wants to come here where she has no friends, no relatives, can’t speak the language..
What I have written here is just a very small portion of what I’ve went through w her. I am not seeking sympathy. I am really hoping for some wisdoms/advices on how to deal w her. As of now, I avoid her as much as possible. I sent her gifts and offer my greetings whenever my husband is on the phone w her. I keep my interactions w her to a minimal…history taught me that the more I talk, the more ammunitions I am giving her …..
So here I am…
Do you have any advice on how to deal w a manipulative mother in law?
How can I show my husband that he becomes a completely different person when she’s around? (From a caring loving husband to a robot that only takes orders from his mom)
Ideally, how can I convinced my husband that it’s not a good idea for her to live w us?
is there anyone on here who’s divorced because of an in law? Please share your thoughts…..
I’ve been having nightmares about our family falling apart because of her. I even have mini panic attacks when I think of her.
Any wisdoms/advices would be appreciated. (Writing this at 3am on my cellphone, please disregard any grammatical/spelling/typos errors)