Wow, this topic is getting jumpy, I get the msg Mr Hopeful is trying to put across, he's trying to say that both parties should self examine the entire relationship, where did it go wrong. It takes 2 hands to clap you see, the math formula cannot be balanced if the left and the right end of the equation don't add up.
I've came across Mr Hopeful's posts abt divorce 1 night and I read his entire story. Therefore, being someone with similarly victimized himself, I believe his opinion is to urge couples to self examine the entire relationship, what went wrong and act on each other instead of bashing the 3rd party and everyone else except the 2 main ppl involved in the marriage.
He may have lopsidedly quote certain examples that may appear to be biased to the female gender, but those are possibilities that need to be examined, shallow or not, because all men and women are constructed differently, certain aspects may be the centerstage to a group of men while it may not be for another. It's impossible to list them all.
Really, I too felt it's useless to throw your frustrations at the whole wide world but the main character in the marriage. Seriously, no one else, not even parents or the closest friends could persuade or convince the perpetrator otherwise, violence, quarrels won't change a thing, the couple really needs to be able to talk with a cool head. Don't jump the gun and head straight into quarrels/ fights and self derived conclusions, these have never been proven tools to resolve any disputes, domestic to politics.
The worst situation for anyone I would think is to sink into a self pity or even a submissive state... you won't solve the problem and forever you'll be going in circles unable to get out of it. You gotta stand tall, talk to your man, peaceful, constructively, targeting at resolving the issue.
I know many readers might find that I talk easy because I'm not there. Really, I agree it ain't gonna be easy, really. You need to muster your courage and keep your composure at the same time when you talk to him, pulls him back to the conversation when he attempts to float away / escape from reality, really not easy, but no one says a resolution in such a situation is going to be easy. However, the hardest way, is usually the best way.
14 yrs of knowing my wife, we had our fair share of screaming and tears. But never a time did we work anything out with all the screaming. We'd only resolved our issues thru talks and really opening up ourselves in the talks, no offences, no defences, taking the opportunity to learn more abt each other, agree to disagree and coming to consensus. Because no matter how long we've known each other, we're still 2 very different individuals afterall. Really not easy, nearly blew our blood vessels everytime.
So that being said, I too agree that both parties must take a step back and relook into everything, then sit down and throw constructive questions and answers, I know usually 1 party will refuse to cooperate, but someone gotta toughen up and be the leader to lead the conversation on, if it isn't him, it gotta be you. At this point, all the "He's a guy, he should be doing this, that...." or vice versa kinda thinking, should be thrown out of your mind, there is no man, no woman in such situation, only the proactive and passive, if you think that women should remain passive and wait for your man to come to you to do the right thing? You might want to end the marriage immediately in this case.
Not that I'm thrashing man, given any gender as the perpetrator, they'll be busy numbing themselves in dreams and fantasies with the one outside regardless of nationalities, simply because they want to escape from the present reality, do you think they want to come back to reality if you don't force them to?
There's a chinese saying, "Good advices don't necessarily sing to your ears" we all need to learn to open up our hearts and handle things/advices objectively.
May peace be in your heart, stay strong and stand tall, you are never too inferior for anything or anyone unless you convinced yourself so, may you find the best resolution to your issue, most importantly don't feel victimized and sink into self pity, you'll only stand to lose this way. If you like watching movies and dramas, watch the Taiwanese drama and movie titled "The Fierce Wife" Good story, good inspiration.
