Help me please..


New Member

I am 30 years old, married for 7 years with 3 kids. My hb is 29 years old, handsome and tall. Unlike me, I have put on a lot of weight after giving birth and totally dun take care of my looks anymore.

He is an insurance agent and currently I'm not working due to many stress in our marriage. My kids are 6, 4 and 2 years old.

I am sorry if I'm too long winded, I will try to cut short.

I know my hb for 1-2 years before getting married as I was pregnant. Before finding out my pregnancy, he actually suddenly disappear. When I found him, he ignored me and had a woman with him. As I didn't know I'm pregnant then, I tried to commit suicide for him and was hospitalized. After knowing that I'm pregnant, he came back to me saying that he will take responsibility and explained that the woman is just a friend that he made used to make me angry. So we got married.

During first year of marriage, he took good care of me and spent time with me often. After he joined insurance, everything changed. He started to go out till late at night. When asked, he said he meeting clients, friends. But still, he will take me out meet his friends once a while.

Second year past by very fast, everything was well. Then, I'm pregnant with my second baby. Due to my unstable pregnancy, I have to give up my job and problems all araised. We started to have financial problems and owe credit cards money. But still, our relationship was strong. He still brings me out and cares for me.

Into the 4th year, I got pregnant again but I held a job then. Suddenly, my hb changed into another person. He came home very late at night, 4-5am, or sometimes don't even come home at all. When asked, he finds me very irritating. We started to have big quarrels. After quarreling, I still will not know where he went and who he went out with. Many many things I don't know. Then, he will go out after quarreling and not come home, sometimes for 2 days. When I tried calling him, he won't ans my calls. Msg him also no replies. This is during my 3rd pregnancy.

After my maternity leaves, I went back to work. A few days after I started work, he left me a msg saying that he needs to go overseas to help his friend settle his business issue. After that, I couldn't contact him at all. Phone is either off or diverted to voicemail. Msg no replies.

He disappeared for 2 weeks and I became worried. So I tried to find out his friends contact number and called everyone. 1 of them told me that he actually seeing a china woman that he know from nightclub. So I went to search his laptop and found msg from QQ that the girl left him n his replies. Then I search his lockers and found out a TT slip made to china of $3k. And also his credit cards bills stating that he went hotels! (At this point, we are already very broke and owing a lot of money.) So I went to make police report saying that he is missing and owing much more money than before. Then I made my way to the ICA. I found out that he went china but was already back in spore but didn't contact me nor can be contacted. I really go crazy! I nv expect this to happen. I couldn't eat, couldn't slp, keep trying to find out his whereabouts. I msg him telling him nasty things such as divorce, commit suicide and also nice things to make him come back but all doesn't work.

1 month after he left, he suddenly left me a SMS saying that he misses me and the kids. So I asked to meet up with him. He told me he was sorry and he did that Becos he can't stand me and we are always quarreling. But that woman is always very concern for him and dun restrict him. I told him I can forgive him for the sake of the kids but dun expect me to forget. If he decided that he still want this marriage, then he needs to regain trust.

2 weeks after he came back, he was supposed to go reservice but he managed to get mc. Then 1 day, a unknown number called him and I pick it up cos he was sleeping. The china woman called. I asked her why she look for my hb. She ans, no lah, din see him for a few days si wondering how is he. I blur. He came home 2 weeks, everyday send me to work and pick me up from work, nv go out at night. She told ne a few days nv see??? So I questioned her. She say, no ah, we met up everyday!!! I couldn't stand it and woke him up and started quarreling again. He left without giving me any explanation again and couldn't be contacted again.

On the same day, he came home with his mum to pack his stuff saying that going his mum hse to stay. After that, on off on off I still able to contact him. He told me that he is considering things and will get back to me when he made a decision.

1 month later, he returned home again. So I thought he still cares for this family after all. I hope to start over with him. I din mention anything abt that china woman anymore cos I also dun dare.

This 1 year plus after his return, everything was fine. We still in huge debts. So I agreed to sell our flat. (Next week is our first hdb appointment.) We also tried to ballot for SBF but it was unsuccessful. Once in a while, he still go out and will not let me know where or who but his timing to come home is usually 1-2am. Same as before, I won't be able to contact him during his going out timing, ESP if he go drink with clients or friends. He will tell me he go drink but I will not know who or where.

Just recently, last sat morning, he suddenly say he wanna go 3rd world country to find business opportunity. I asked him where and he said Cambodia. I told him it's too dangerous there and suggested that he go ho chi Minh. So immediately, he packed his luggage and I sent him to the airport to buy his air ticket.

Of cos, I did ask him not to go since everything was so unsure and not planned. But he insisted and say good words to me like please, just wish me good luck, pls dun spoil. I seriously do not wanna him to blame me in future, so I let him go. Although I was furious and also worried. The last msg from him was I love you, pks take good care and wish me good luck. Since then, I can't contact him till now. He also didn't contact me. At first I was worried. But later, I find it very weird. Everything was like same as before. Suddenly left and can't be contacted.

I went to hear his voicemail and found out that on the day he left, ard the same timing, a Vietnam number left a voicemail but didn't say anything. I really go crazy! I call the number but no ans, I msg no reply. At night I try again but the Hp is either off or the person has throw away the sim card. All these are too coincident and I cannot find any excuses for him. I really dunno what to do. What do u all think?

Can somebody pls tell me what shld I do?

Forget about this person lah..go get yourself and kids another life. Apply to divorce and meanwhile shifthouse and change number, change schools for your kids etc. Don't contact him at all too..disappear like he does. believe me it#ll be better for you and your children to be away frm this person. You must make up your mind ASAP and do what is far from what I read you hv been too softhearted and this case drag until like once and for all leave him and you will find peace and happiness.
i feel for you.. you can endure the nonsense for so long! from the way you described your 7 years together with him, it looked like he no longer love you ever since your first pregnancy. unless you can continue ignoring him treating the house like a hotel and his carefree bachelor life outside, i say you file for separation. such a man isn't worth all our tears and heartache since he obviously doesn't care about the emotional and mental trauma he's causing to you and the kids. how are your children doing? are they affected by their dad's constant disappearance?

i'm sure deep down you already know what needs to be done but just need affirmation from a third party's point of view. have you talked to his parents, your parents, a close friend you can absolutely trust??

Thanks for your replies.

My kids are staying with my parents and they usually dun look for their daddy.

I really love him very much and I'm afraid to divorce. I dunno what will happen to me and the kids after we divorce.

And also, I'm really scare that he will take away the money after selling the flat. I wonder what the judge will do. Will the flat selling price be divided into half or will the amt be return to cpf then the cash divide by half. Cos I'm the one paying for the flat instalments till now and the utility bills too.

I'm so used to having him ard that I'm satisfied as long as he stay with me, acc me. I know I sound crazy but I feel that I really can't leave him.
i can't offer you advice on divorce, but in general if you really were to go ahead with it, i am sure it won't be easy for your hubby to take all the money from the sale of the flat since he isn't paying for the monthly instalments. in fact, is he helping with the payment of debts right now or are you paying that for him as well?

there is a saying 长痛不如短痛.. i know it is easier said than done since i am just a third party offering advice. can you forsee yourself enduring this kind of mental torture for the rest of your life, constantly worrying about his whereabouts and whether is he alive or not?

perhaps the best thing to do is what you have always done - be patient and wait. wait for him to return. then see if he is open to marriage counselling. don't think there is much else you can do at this stage.
Yes, you are right! I'm often worrying abt his whereabouts. Thinking if he has another woman again now or what. It is really a big blow for me. It's the second time.

Actually I have the 心理准备 that his intention is to sell the flat and leave us. Afterall, he had not really care for us nor provide for us.

His acting must be really damn good that this time round, I didn't suspect anything. But it's really obvious that he is meeting someone there. Who it is, only he knows.

I recently found out that the evidence that I have for his adultery 1 year plus back cannot be used and this time, I got no evidence. I think he will not snatch the kids away from me. In this case, will it be sole custody? Then does he need to pay maintenance fee every month? If divorce, do I pay for the divorce fee or half? Cos I really got no money now. Or I got to wait till sell flat, then got money for divorce.

Anyone got good lawyers? He threw away the namecards of my previous lawyer who has all the evidence of his previous adultery. The thing is a friend brought me there and I got no idea of the agency name and exact location. This friend is his friend who told me abt his china woman and after he came back, I too lost contact with the friend.
Very very hurt, sorry if I sounded disrespectful, I'll not focus about the relationship part as I think many people here would share their thought on that aspect with you, I'm commenting for a financial view.

I think he has failed financially considering himself in a financial planning line. Having a practiciing license myself I know how stressful it could be trying to chase for numbers and yet we have to maintain a very professional and responsible self as planners. It's understandable he has to work late because to source for bigger businesses, many of us would have thought about getting our insurance business into corporates and businesses to achieve bigger numbers to meet our quotas. This usually involves talking to top bosses of the companies and decision makers and it is no easy feat trying to secure that kind of deals.

But then, after such a long time, he still couldn't get himself out of his negative financial inflow, that is already a huge issue. If he's looking into other businesses, he should at the very least, have a clear draft on his mind on what he wishes to do with realistic feasible plans, something that he could readily relate to ppl including you. If he kept leaving for aimless trips, it's just gonna be another failure and more debt under his belt. I hope no one in his family is absorbing that bill because someone eventually has to.

While I'll avoid being critical most of the times, I'll advice separation at least for your case this time round due to financial concerns. While you want to give him a chance to make reparations to the relationship, that's up to you, he should have a real feel on his own debt that he has created, I hope he's not getting the whole wide world to shoulder that burden for him. This is to help him to face reality and not to cannibalize on every help he can get. Steer yourself clear from all his financial stuff since like you said, part of those buildups are contributed by his gf outside, so why should the family be a part of this bill repayment?

Give yourself a breathing space to go achieve what you want and bring up your own confidence and kids. If he's truly remorseful, let him show his sincerity to you and you make that decision at your own sweet time. He must realise that this is not about abandoning him, but rather to help him clearly decides on what he wants. If he chooses to dream on, then at least you and your kids are not being exposed to his financial risks, it's not that you didn't give him any chance, it's been 7yrs now, it's time he should be awaken from his dreams and really make things work.
Hi stefan!

Yes, he explained to me many many times that he need to chase sales, find clients, entertain etc. Thus, I trusted him and what I got is the china woman.

Therefore, after that incident, I controlled him a lot and he seldom go out till wee hours. Thus, he didn't have good sales. I did ask myself if I'm the one holding him back and make him a useless man. But I really think I'm not to be blame cos how to trust?

I do hope that he will change and really turn over a new leaf. I'm still hoping that he cares for us and cm back. I sound stupid but I'm really scare cos I dunno what will be the consequences if I divorce. I can't see my future and I'm afraid it will not be good for my kids.

I ever told him that we should go for conselling but he dun agree to. Probably separation is the first step I should make. Or maybe, he already had decided to divorce in the first place.
Very hurt, u don't need to make any decision. Ur husband will.

Actually I tot most mothers who have kids are not afraid to let the hb leave. The kids filled up the mother's heart. Whoever leaves the family is his/her loss. Hope ur love to ur hb can stir some sense into him. 女人看久了全部都一样的, 除了你。别的女人有的你也有, 可是你有的她们却没有。
Stupid hubby, wake up and go home!

Thanks for your encouragement!

I guess for me, I'm really too used to having him ard. After I resigned, most of my time are spent with him. Of cos I also spend time with my kids. Probably Becos my kids do not stay with us, so he is the biggest part in my life. I'm really clueless what my life will be without him.

I still hope that we can 白头偕老, but I wanna be prepared for the worst.

Today I went to lodge a missing person report. Police says that he is still overseas but refuses to reveal which country. They say it's confidential. Don't understand why wifes are not allowed to know their hb whereabouts. Haiz.
I was angry when i read your post. Why are you so hard on yourself? Since you are already living without him around for so long, I believe you can live without him. Be it divorce or not, it really doesnt matter anymore. He already let you down so many times I do not see why you still worry about him. Get yourself a job and take good care of yourself, most importantly.
Very very hurt, you don't receive PM...

Leave your email here as I would like to share with you yet not comfortable to share "in the public"...
Hi mum ni,

I understand why u are angry. I'm also very very angry with myself. A man like him dun deserve my attention and love. I just can't help it. I also wish that I can be like a computer or robot, turn on feeling and turn off when not needed.

Hi Gemma,

I will pm u in a while.

Hi Bebe,

I know. I decided that I want a change. I wanna make myself beautiful and confident like when I'm not married to him. I'm not going to persude him to stay or decide on anything. I will try to live without him or see him as a stranger. I try. Wish me all the best and support me!
Thanks creamynut! You gals here are wonderful.. Full of supports..

Now, I must slim down first! Anyone can share successful sliming without pills or treatment?
Erm.. Learn to eat only 70% full. Studies have shown that 30 mins of exercise is more effective than 1hr. Cos you will tend to eat less after only 30min of exercise.
Hi v v hurt,

Good that you are positive!
And seriously u doesn't have to be slim to be beautiful! All happy and confident women are beautiful.
Rather be with no one than with the wrong one.
U can do it!
So so so sorry to hear your sad story...
As the saying goes 'love is blind', sigh... u are being fooled all this while without even knowing it, but I don't blame u...

Glad u write in here, I agree with the rest, u may be much happier and less poorer without him. With him around by paper so wat?
Marriage cert. is just a piece of paper and it means nothing if he's always physically not around! How could a father not love their kids enough to stay around? Sigh... Sorry it's obvious he's still very immature and irresponsible and want to party some more...

Don't feel bad that u didn't allow him to go out at night to meet his potential clients and thus his sales is bad! Honestly, he's out womanizing at night lah, not doing sales lah! I meant well, don't get me wrong, I just want to let u know the truth, (though it hurts), so u don't get fooled by his 'sweet' words. Llike I said, 'love is blind' sigh...

Very best wishes to u. Nothing is impossible and I know your 2 kids will do well just with u alone! Be strong and believe in yourself, u can do it!
Hi sunshineday,

Correct! Love is blind and I have been blinded by love for 8 years!

I think the most pathetic thing is I dun have many friends to acc me. I think I have to increase my circle of friends.

As for my kids, they dun look for their father so I guess they are used to it. After selling my flat, I will move in with my parents and will have more time with them.

Tuesday is my hdb first appt. I think he will turn up cos he want the money. But if he dun turn up, I dunno wat will happen cos I heard the buyers can sue us. Will update u girls.
Very Very Hurt

清官难断家务事。。。I can't tell you what to do because I believe you yourself know what to do, just that whether you have the determination, the heart to do it.... you must be firm !!!

But i feel for you... and i can understand why you call yourself Very Very Hurt

but one thing i am very sure is, you will definitely be happier without him.... Since you have been leading your life without him for so many times.... This man is simply not worth your time, money and effort, not worth your tears. By being unhappy, it pose a risk to your health too and he is definitely Not worth all these. Please be strong and take good care of yourself, for your kids, for yourself, for your parents... Let other women be the unlucky ones to have him.

The worst will be over!! 风雨后一定有彩虹 !!
Hi Jhw,

Becos I really love him a lot, so I'm the one that tends to give in or even sometimes beg him. And he won't bother to explain himself and I got to probe n probe till he get angry, then I dun dare to go further or sometimes I just tell him that we divorce. But of cos, this didn't work. I use soft methods n hard methods on him, both dun work. I dunno wat to do. He keep saying that im paraniod and dun trust him and he gets angry. After sometime, I let him be after his so called
explanation, still, everything is back to square one.

My problems with him is long term, and we just bury n bury, now I think no more soil to bury le.

Anyway, it's been 9 days, no news from him. I simply wish that he met with accident n die there! I can have his insurance payout of half million!

Today is my son's k2 graduation, and his dad not ard. I feel sad for my son.

Dun understand how he can treat me n the kids like this. Haiz.
Honestly I can understand when adults fight and unkind to each other... But I can never understand when an adult or parents treat an innocent kid that way!!!

So sorry for your kids that their father is always or almost non existence, what a terrible feeling for them!: Now let me caution u, he'll be back very very soon perhaps even 2 wks time, 1 mths time, etc. and 'sweet' talk to you abt. this and that, and how he really love and miss u and the kids, basically same pattern all over again, etc. Question is: How are u going to response? Have u decided to dump him for good or?

Hope u really appreciate our time and effort and saliva, pls really take our good advice!!!
Hi sunshineday,

Well said! I dun understand why my hb dun love his kids. They are so lovely and innocent!

Like wat I have said, I have decided to ignore him. Rest assured that I won't be moved by his sweet talks.

Tml is the day! If he only want money, he will return to sell the flat. If not, even better, I can try to neg to return the deposit and keep the flat for my kids n me for our future. Will update u gers!
My usual advice to everyone is DO NOT SELL THE FLAT. Because, however difficult it seem to be... you actually have existing accommodation. Once you sell that, it might not be so straight forward buying a new one... And he does have responsibility to you and the children. Keep it status quo, until such time that you can get full ownership.
I agreed with frogprincess

Very very hurt,

please try to keep the flat cause at least you can still generate income by renting it out. Sell it, you will still need money to buy one not to mention it now that it is so expensive. Beside why should you share the money with him since you are the one who are paying for it? What other contribution does he have beside the first year treating you good?
I sincerely hope that all men who treated their faithful, devoted wives unfairly, unfaithfully, cheated, told lies, abused etc etc etc to burn in hell.

To be honest, I have came across many cases of unfaithful, bast*** men who came to a bad end. Really. Some of them my close relatives. They suffered so did their descendants.

I really believe in retribution. And I pray hard to those who deserved it.
Hi frogprincess and June,

I asked my property agent n he said cannot dun sell cos already took deposit. The buyers have the rights to sue us. I dun wanna sell already but am scare cos no money to repay the buyers.

Hi taitai,

I really hope that retribution exist. I wish that he is dead now. Then I can have good life. I dun have to worry abt this n that.
It's the second time already. I'm really very very sad when I know that the same thing happening again. But more disappointed. I'm determined to change my life.

For now, I will not divorce him yet. I want revenge.
I'm back from hdb appt. My hb didn't turn up. I told the buyers my story and luckily they are very nice people. God bless! They understand and willing to forsake the buying if it's to my benefit. Currently, the hdb appt is put on hold till 31 Jan. I have to give them an answer.
Very v hurt,

If buyers are willing to forgo the sale, then please keep the flat for yourself and kids. A roof will provide some stability for you and your children.

The sweetest revenge is to live a better life without him, showing him how happy you are without him... showing him that he no longer have the privilege of being the centre of your life.

To hang on, you're only dragging and it does not make you any happier. Let go of the emotional luggage and move on. The difficult part is the decision, once done the rest is history.

I sincerely wish that you can drop the emotional baggage and move on to a happier fulfilling life. The worst will be over soon, and you'll think why hadn't you did it earlier.
Hey, if the buyers are so understanding, then is it ok to forsake the deal totally?

You must keep the flat no matter what! With a roof over your head is the most secured asset. Divorce the man, so that you could demand alimony, and child maintenance from him. If he cannot pay, the Court can issue warrant of arrest if he defaults on his arrears. That way, he cannot suka suka leave the country to find his lovers oversead.

Just proceed to seek legal aid to settle the divorce. You can have your revenge if you divorce him and demand maintenance - that is a form of revenge. Hang on to him, will not make you a happy person, cause psychologically and emotionally you are still dependent on him.
Hi cariebb n taitai,

I'm really very lucky to have such buyers that are so understanding. I will choose not to sell the flat. Like what u said, it's better to hold the flat n at least there's a roof over my head n the kids.

Does anyone know if I divorce, will the flat be confirm mine?
Ya good idea not to sell. No matter how your parents hse is not your hse, and as human beings, long term wise living together, there may be potential conflict, or also jealously among siblings and their spouses 5-10yrs down the road, they may hope to sell your parents hse to share the inheritance, etc. People can change, your siblings may be fine now, no guarantee 5-10-20 yrs down the road!

By then too late, u will have to rent rent rent and ,ove move move and pay rental $2k/mth and almost whole pay is gone. At least with your own she, u need not come out a lot of cash, just through your cpf.

Best wishes!
Hi gers,

I have asked around n were told that I must sell my flat n give my hb his share after divorce. Does anyone know if it's true?
Who is your advisor on that? A lawyer? Someone with similar experience? Either we are missing something here, or you are truly mis-informed. You only "MUST SELL" if the court orders so. And it is unlikely because there is the unwritten responsibility that a mother with 3 kids should not have their roof taken away. Who are you consulting? There are free legal clinic in some Meet the people sessions. Then there are some legal aid around. Google and find it.
U shld engage a divorce lawyer to proceed with d divorce, d lawyer will advise u d proper procedures. There is no rush now. Even if divorce without reasonable grounds, you hv to go thru 3 years separation. So just stay put.

Also if u proceed with divorce, d man should start paying maintenance to d kids.
Hi frogprincess,

My friend's friend who is a lawyer says so. She says as the flat is joint names, must sell the flat or buy over from him. Cos if he dun exist, I won't be able to buy the flat, thus, he will be given his share. I'm very shock to hear this! Where can my kids n I stay after they grow up? Currently they staying with my parent but when they grow up, they got to have their own rooms.

Hi taitai,

I'm going to the legal aid tml. I do not have the money to find good lawyers. In fact, I'm still finding money to pay the buyers for not selling. I doubt he will give much maintenance fee since his pay is not stable n I think he going to lose his insurance license soon.
veryveryhurt: sorry was so angry when i saw your post. you are too kindhearted. maybe i am hardhearted but pls do not stick to such man anymore. who knows you will meet someone better who will also love your kids!! you are only 30. leave him. love is not everything.
Hi tze,

I know very well that I shld leave him. I had make up my mind to divorce. He is not worthy of my love n concern. Today, I went to the family court n had enquired abt custody n flat division. I have made an appt with free legal clinic. After that I'm going to legal aid to file for divorce.

More or less, I'm pretty such what route to that. Like I mentioned before, I'm just concern with custody n flat. I will not be so kind to him to give him his share for the flat since I'm the one paying for everything.
Vvhurt... Is free legal aid 'free', that means no charges? My relative needs help with a lawyer but she has no income to pay. May I have the contact? Thanks!
Hi sunshineday,

The one I'm going is to enquire regarding abt legal issues in divorce and the lawyers give foc consultation but they dun represent me.

After enquiring, I will proceed to legal aid. I'm not sure if it's free. Seems like min payment.
Hi very very hurt, hope you don't mind me coming in for a comment..
based on what you mention about the behavior of your hb, it's no point staying together just in name, you have 3 wonderful kids and they are the ones providing you with all the love you deserve
I am nt a believer that someone will not be able to survive without another party and I will have to say I am really proud of your strength and a very clear mindset of what you should do next
you are still young and in your prime
there's so much things waiting for you!

The road coming up next will be tough sometimes, but always remember that you still have your 3 kids
I am very sure you will do very well in future

If you divorce, the proceeds will need to be shared, but he might want to sell it, and. Would suggest you buying off him so you have a roof over yor head

If you need someone to speak to, pm me
Hi sashamunna,

I'm very sure that divorce is the only way to end my misery. He will nv get any chance to hurt me again. I know to bring up 3 kids is nv easy. But I'm positive abt this cos I have my parents support.

I asked the officer at family court n was told that if I can prove that he din pay for anything, it's not easy for him to fight for his share. In some cases, judge might order him to transfer the flat to me. Of cos, there are cases that i can buy over his share.

For more info, I guess I will find out from the lawyer at legal clinic.
Vvhurt, did he not contribute to the purchase of house right from the start? Say from his cpf? Is the cpf contribution not his share?

I'm glad that you've got strong parental support!

Vvhurt I understand it must have been a terrible nightmare for u all this while, but endure now ok cos guess who's the last person to laugh in the end? It's u laughing at him,
u get your 3 precious kids and a house and he gets nothing!

Remember to get evidence that he's not around the house all the time and never spend time with the kids, etc. Also keep whatever FB emails phone chatting u can find cos it'll come in very handy next time.

By the way, again I want to REMIND u, after the lawyers appear and he knows he may be on the losing end, he may be back soon and wayang and who knows even kneel down and plead, tell u love u love kids etc... Don't be soft hearted cos it's going to be a temporary one time show again, as the saying goes: old habits die hard! So be prepared and don't be fooled this time round!!!

Jia Yu!