oldmanchris
New Member
I've been reading many of the threads here. Quite a few deal with infidelity and/or the potential end of a marriage. I've noted the fear and apprehension that many mums here have, when considering the topic of 'officially leaving'.
"I have kids and I'd like to keep the family together."
If it helps, I'd like to present two real-life scenarios that may ease the decision making process. The scenarios happen to be from my own life.
Scenario 1: I was the child of an domineering woman and a man who desperately wanted to be free. She refused to grant him a divorce. I believe her fear was that I would be traumatised by the divorce. They stayed in the same house and endured an almost eight-year cold war while I was growing up. He sought solace in other women's arms. She played the part of the betrayed wife but also had another man on the side for a bit, if I recall. They finally parted ways when I was 10.
Here's the truth: They took the time to explain WHY it was better that they not be together anymore. Of course, in private conversations with me, they hurled mud at each other. However, there were after-dinner family talk sessions where they were civil to each other. They explained that they didn't want to eventually kill each other by being forced to live together.
After the papers were stamped. orders finalised and they both lived separately, they took time to spoil me a little (with time and a few toys). They were polite to each other when they met up to hand me over: Mum had me on the weekdays and dad took me for weekends - I found that was a good arrangement for me.
I grew up in an age when divorce was not as common as it is now. I believe that in my primary 6 class of 37 students, I may have been the only child from a ‘broken home’. I was only teased about my parents’ divorce once. I had a reply handy.
“My parents don’t fight anymore. I’m sure yours do.”
By the way, I HATE the term ‘Broken Home’ – Often, a divorce provides a chance for both parties to HEAL, don’t you think?
Throughout my teen years, the ‘stigma’ of having divorced parents never once affected me. Now, over 3 decades later, my mother lives in Australia with her second husband (they married in 1987). My father remains a happy bachelor.
I chalk my ability to gracefully handle their divorce to the fact that they explained things very carefully to me – often, repeatedly.
“We were good friends before we married. We want to be good friends again.”
“We would give you anything and everything. But we also owe it to ourselves to find happiness on our own, just as you will one day grow up, spread your wings and do the same.”
“We hate the people we become when we live together. We can be a better mum and dad (and a better person) to you when we’re happier apart.”
My final take on Scenario 1 is this: It’s not necessarily the best thing to stay together for your kids. Your spouse and you are people with your own dreams and needs too. Do you honestly want to be 50 and then suddenly divorced and alone? If you need to make a fresh start, you may need to do it now.
Take the time to sit with your kids to explain. Agree with each other in front of them and give them time to think about things – some kids may need to be alone with their thoughts to arrive at the same conclusion. In the end, everything will work out. Kids are smarter and tougher than we give them credit for. They will survive, with both spouses’ support and understanding.
Scenario 2: I happen to be a secondary school teacher. I teach English and cover classes from secondary 1 to 5. The stereotype that ‘Many problem kids come from broken homes’ is held by many teachers. They’re only HALF right.
"I have kids and I'd like to keep the family together."
If it helps, I'd like to present two real-life scenarios that may ease the decision making process. The scenarios happen to be from my own life.
Scenario 1: I was the child of an domineering woman and a man who desperately wanted to be free. She refused to grant him a divorce. I believe her fear was that I would be traumatised by the divorce. They stayed in the same house and endured an almost eight-year cold war while I was growing up. He sought solace in other women's arms. She played the part of the betrayed wife but also had another man on the side for a bit, if I recall. They finally parted ways when I was 10.
Here's the truth: They took the time to explain WHY it was better that they not be together anymore. Of course, in private conversations with me, they hurled mud at each other. However, there were after-dinner family talk sessions where they were civil to each other. They explained that they didn't want to eventually kill each other by being forced to live together.
After the papers were stamped. orders finalised and they both lived separately, they took time to spoil me a little (with time and a few toys). They were polite to each other when they met up to hand me over: Mum had me on the weekdays and dad took me for weekends - I found that was a good arrangement for me.
I grew up in an age when divorce was not as common as it is now. I believe that in my primary 6 class of 37 students, I may have been the only child from a ‘broken home’. I was only teased about my parents’ divorce once. I had a reply handy.
“My parents don’t fight anymore. I’m sure yours do.”
By the way, I HATE the term ‘Broken Home’ – Often, a divorce provides a chance for both parties to HEAL, don’t you think?
Throughout my teen years, the ‘stigma’ of having divorced parents never once affected me. Now, over 3 decades later, my mother lives in Australia with her second husband (they married in 1987). My father remains a happy bachelor.
I chalk my ability to gracefully handle their divorce to the fact that they explained things very carefully to me – often, repeatedly.
“We were good friends before we married. We want to be good friends again.”
“We would give you anything and everything. But we also owe it to ourselves to find happiness on our own, just as you will one day grow up, spread your wings and do the same.”
“We hate the people we become when we live together. We can be a better mum and dad (and a better person) to you when we’re happier apart.”
My final take on Scenario 1 is this: It’s not necessarily the best thing to stay together for your kids. Your spouse and you are people with your own dreams and needs too. Do you honestly want to be 50 and then suddenly divorced and alone? If you need to make a fresh start, you may need to do it now.
Take the time to sit with your kids to explain. Agree with each other in front of them and give them time to think about things – some kids may need to be alone with their thoughts to arrive at the same conclusion. In the end, everything will work out. Kids are smarter and tougher than we give them credit for. They will survive, with both spouses’ support and understanding.
Scenario 2: I happen to be a secondary school teacher. I teach English and cover classes from secondary 1 to 5. The stereotype that ‘Many problem kids come from broken homes’ is held by many teachers. They’re only HALF right.
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, isn't it? 