Considering divorce

[kylie_lee]

Hi Mummies,

I feel that my marriage is on the verge of breaking down. My husband & I have been married for 2.5 years, we were living separately until we had a kid recently. That is when things started happening. We are almost quarrelling once / twice a week, after moving in together.

For example, he refuses to let me help out around the house & insists on doing everything himself. I’ve volunteered to help out many times & he just refuses to let me. He will then complain he has to do everything himself & I am not helping out etc. When we are quarrelling , he always demands that I pack up my stuff & move out of the house immediately or he’ll sent the kid away to his parents’ house. He will apologise, after he has cooled off. But after saying all those nasty stuff, but my feelings are already hurt it’s pointless to apologise for it. I’ve also paid my share of mortgage for the house. Although , financially I do not contributed a lot to our family he has no right to ask me to move out of the house, right?

We are having serious communication issues & I know it is not easy maintaining a family. I feel very sad to give up my marriage like that, but I am very depressed & on the verge of breaking down. I am considering divorce, please advise me.

 

[princessleopard]

How long have you been together before married? Why is that you two live separately?

 

[kylie_lee]

This year is the 3rd year. We do not have a flat yet ... so we lived separately. We've tried to ballot for a flat 7 times, 5 times - the flats were sold out before our turn .. 2 times only left with low floors .. thus we rejected the offer.

 

[ukas2012]

How old is your kid, Kylie? Are you working or a SAHM to take care of your kids? Married life with kids is not as easy as we usually think...Do consider it carefully and seriously, as we do not want a child growing up in an "incomplete" family...or you choose to speak to your family or someone close on this matter?

 

[shoppixe]

I think its very hurtful to say get out of the house. Its akin to being chased out of his life. A woman looks for shelter and to take it away is harsh.
Its really not easy staying together. I have my episodes too. It came down to even quarreling over cupboard space. This happens when you are not used to sharing "your space".
We are all very individualistic people.
It came to a point I sat down with him and told him it hurts when we quarrel and quoted some of the things he said, are very hurtful can he not use them ever again.
As for chores, why not set up a list. List the things that is your share to do.This will set up a routine and eliminate ambiguity. You do some I do some. What are the things he is comfortable with you doing? Ask him.
I think its a matter of working out how to live together.
Jia you. Think of the kid - saying get out of the house in front of the kid no good. Next time imagine after your kid grow up tell you, you get out of the house. How would you feel.

 

[kryzzie]

shoppixe gives really good advice! I agree with her. There are many ways to work this out. Don't consider divorce yet. Personal space can be a big issue when moving in together, but not many people realise it. Some couples may unconsciously feel like their lives are suddenly "invaded" and get very annoyed because it is a change that they have not adapted to...
and I really like the chores idea!

 

[dreamybeary]

Kylie,

as you mentioned in your post, you know that you and your hb have communication issue. Why not try counseling? It's different saying/discussing something in front of the counselor. I find that my hb will put more weight into what i say when it's being said in front of the counselor. If i say the same thing to him at home, he'll get fed up and an argument could start. Whereas if said during counseling, the counselor will moderate and he listens better.