Hey Chleo,
Despite that fact that we have never met, but we have actually met, somehow. U might find it strange that I said that but its because we the fears you have mentioned are all so familiar and please take comfort that you are not an alien to feel so and you are definitely not alone k. All these fears are still fresh in my mind and I am taken a firm decision not to forget them as they made me what I am today. These are our fears and doubts and questions of having to walk this road of being fertility challenged:
People “fear” you as u are different from the rest. They view us as being different, as being the minority, as being the leftist of the society. Afterall, human beings are supposed to reproduce. But of course they are wrong, while there are the childless not by choice group, there are also the childless by choice group. And for the childless by choice group, if u keep lecturing them about the virtures of having kids, they will tell u to go and fly kite..heee..Again, I still subscribe to the belief that having a lot of kids is normal and so is not having a kid. Afterall, no one can play god to judge.
However, this type of fear is what we would encounter and have to face with everyday in our lives, during all festive periods when people showcase their kids, have nothing to talk about but only the topic of when are u having a kid or having a second kid. When we meet someone and they see we are of a “certain” age and they will ask, how many kids to you have? If the answer is no, and they then start to lecture and interrogate. For this type of fear, its controllable as we can choose to exclude these “poisons” from our lives. Also, don’t give them a chance to make us fear inadequate or inferior. They made the choice of being insensitive and imposing but we can certainly make the choice of being indifferent. Nevertheless, I need to get to the point of – it might be tough for us to be indifferent because of the next fear
Fear of being alone with hubby and the fear of me passing on and leaving hb all by himself in old age.
This fear is for real and it is not external inflicted but self-inflicted and it was my worst fear throughout the years. And Chleo, this fear was so real that every time when I look at my hubby’s childhood photo during the trying ttc years, a strong sense of sadness would overwhelm me. The sadness that I could never see how my hubby’s offspring would look like. That there will be on one to survive him and his genes would end right there. And the fact that fear no.1 can eat into us because we have this fear no.2 right inside us that is eating into us everyday. And I would be lying to you that it is easy to overcome this fear. It’s not easy and its not a one way journey. It is probably not to overcome this fear but to manage the fear, to manage it to the point that we can continue to ttc and still live a happy life. As in the ttc journey, if we are handicapped by this fear, it will slowly destroy our health and ability to conceive. Of course they are some lucky ones that despite having so much fear, they can still conceive. But generally, fear is not good for our systems and can only sabotage our effects.
Some tactics that I used to manage this most sticky fear (not assuming that it will work for everyone as everyone is different but some small points might lessen the fear):
- Having a kid is not the only way to pass on the genes. Making a difference to society does. There are many useful childless people who have existed and their names are never forgotten in history. Is it because they have 20 kids. No, but because they made a difference in their own ways. Our Teresa Hsu is one. No one can every judge she is an inadequate person as she is never married. She is titan in my eyes.
- It would be great to have an offspring for husband. But between always dwelling and being sad about not having a kid and let it affect marriage life vs making every little effort to inject life into the marriage and making ourselves and hubby happy just as a couple, every man would choose the latter. And assuming there is a kid or kids but yet having an unhappy married life, everyday just arguing about kids vs a life that focus on plain happiness between a couple, any man would choose the latter.
- Another thought is that having kids will not guarantee that we would not be lonely. There is a high chance that more and more young people will study and work outside of Singapore. When our kids come home and tell us one day that mom, I want to see and experience the world or I want to migrate (a few of my close friends already did, went to Australia), we cannot force them to stay by our side. Hence, somehow, I feel the best guarantee against loneliness in our old age is to keep our minds active and have a hobby we can sustain and make small effort to keep friendships going through the years. Do not neglect good friends even when we have kids and try to keep in touch often.
Yes, the fear of putting in all the effort and yet having the possibility of it amounting to nothing also strikes ample fear.
Chleo, u got to believe me on this as I was so afraid that I started reading the ivf support thread 6 months prior to doing the cycle. I was so afraid that I need to read way in advance what others were doing and thinking about. And many sisters back at that thread also commented that I was so way ahead in preparation. Ivf was so new to me in that when I started reading the thread, I had no idea about what it was all about, what medicine I must inject into the body, how many times I must see a doctor. There were so many unknown and question marks. I even started an excel spreadsheet and noted some points inside. Really very scared and kiasu then.
But amazing, after so much “investment” of time, emotions, money, hopes, the cycle ended with all the embies arrested (they stopped developing and I had nothing to transfer inside the womb), of course there was sadness and hopelessness, but the more overwhelming emotion I had then was relief. No mistake, relief. It was only after failing ivf that I could move on with life without the baggage and question of “will I have a kid if I have tried ivf”? I know then that despite having failed, I had no regrets. And for sisters who persisted on subsequent cyclings when the first did not work out, I also salute them as they want to live with no regrets, whatever the outcome is.
The relief was not a death sentence but rather the affirmation that I could give to myself that I have put in my best and if nothing happens, the conscience is clear. And then, its time to move on with life in one way or the other. One can choose to stop cycling and do natural and one can also choose to continue to cycle. Only thing is, keep having a goal. And the goal must include to be good to yourself as a human being and not as a potential mother only.
The fear of seeing friends having moved on in family planning is also very real and valid. I remember at gatherings, my friends who always talk about breastfeeding and which swimming classes their kids and they would always turn to me with that big question mark. The feeling is like having to jog at the same spot for many years. Nevertheless, somehow, someday, I realized that while the view from society has imprisoned us, we have also imprisoned ourselves. Instead of having our lives as being status quo, we can also move on in another sense. Moving on to become a mother is just one way we can move on. Moving on to learning a new skill is also considered as moving on. Moving on to a new attitude in life is yet another more major step of moving on. We deserve better than being trapped in process of TCM, visits to doctors, needles and yet more needles and feeling dejected time and again when the treatments have yet to bring home a baby. While its not easy to still go for treatment and at the same time pursuing other aspects of life, its definitely possible sister
Have faith that u can do it de
During the years of needles and hospital visits, over at my end, I picked up cooking amongst other things. Cooking for myself and hubby over the weekend, buying ingredients, reading up recipes, cooking itself somehow distracted me from all the disappointments and gave me something nice to look forward to. And we know ourselves best, what is it that we like to do. Simple pleasures to distract ourselves and at the same time, still ttcing. Again, its easier said than done but try as much not to let ttc consume us. Let ttc be just one aspect of the whole scheme of things.
About fear of the physical aspects of ivf inself, the injections, and hormone changes..If we can do it, u sure can also
The medicine will have some side effects, however, trust me that they do subside after sometime. And who knows, never try never know, maybe the next thing u worry after all the injection is not about recovering as u will grow fatter and fatter with a big babybum..
. Chleo, and if you feel that you are not ready for ivf, follow what you heart tells u k. One way to get going is to start reading up at the ivf thread and get a rough feel of what its like first. By and by u will gain the momentum. And be it good or bad, the sisters here are walking dictionaries on ivf…some on specific issues like what to eat. Liz and Lyn are gurus on royal jelly..etc..so u will have no lack of answers should you have questions…just ask and ask k..and again if u are not ready for ivf, give yourself more time, maybe you will ultimately conceive naturally, one would never know we predict, be it ivf or natural, keep your heart young and hopeful and open and come in an chat whenever you feel like it..and share whenever you free like it. And u must jiayou, to be a happy ttcing mtb k
Liz and Chleo
I was writing the above long mail yesterday and then I saw Liz’s mail and on reading it, cannot help but to keep nodding my head on what Liz feels
Agree agree, take one step at a time and hands up legs up that the big sentiment is that we don’t want any regrets and slowly find out and one will not feel so lost liao. Liz, not wanting to have regrets rather than having confidence that I would bring a baby home was what motivated me to ivf then too. And like Liz said, I still keep reminding myself to be my own best friend and also to maintain friendship outside of family as that seems to be the inevitable given the trend of globalization.
And forgive me for repeating this so many times but truly subscribe to the belief that when a door closes, a window opens. In the past years when the effort of ttc wears me out, I gained invaluable friendship from the sisters here, those I have met, liz, lyn, elle, hopewaves, noi and those I have not met, becky and other sisters whom I would love to meet one day…I am grateful for such friendship that would never be possible if the path was always smooth. Of course everyone would have wished for a smooth path but for a rough path, there is always a silver lining out there..
LuvNHope,
I can sense your strong spirit and determination too and cheers for your jiayou
And we over here will all reach the finishing line, timing is not important,how many injections is not important, what is important is to grow stronger with eveyr injection to prepare us to be good people/moms.
Becky,
*clap clap*, I agree so much to what you wrote and I your courage has inspired me too. Even until today, there are still times that I acted very slowly in life due to some sort of fear, fear for the unknown, fear for changes..
Yes, take your time to settle down and to decide when to go for FET as it is a function of mental and also body condition. No worries Becky, in the story of the tortoise and hare, the tortoise has the last laugh…its not a matter of time but a matter of ending the finishing line in style
. I am sure your day will come
Lyn,
Those people and relatives that have judged so cruelly usually have something missing in their lifes, that is why like to pick on others life. You are our encouragement
Remember those big FSH numbers. You should write a book one day about how "important" FSH numbers are..heeheee..
