Child Adoption

hm,about the "taboo" part,I've got that feeling coz' one of my hubby's close fren adopted and the couple didn't really want pp to know their child is adopted.

You do have much to share, glad that you are enjoying parenthood so much.

as for the "lookalike" comments, actually, my gal does look like me in some ways. Although they are pp commenting that she doesn't look like her sis (my natural child),it din bother me that much. I'm just afraid it bothers her when she grows older.

I guess, in my case, most things that I fear concerned her feelings, rather than how we are going to cope with it. Mine is a very sensitive child,I can forsee it will not be easy for her to accept her "differences" from her peers, esp during teens.
 


<font color="0077aa">Lis,</font>
Hi hv not "seen" u here for a long time.... how r u coping with ur pregnancy... hope u r fine...

i m still waiting for ur gal's pics..... heehee...
 
Thought this would interest some of you:

Talking with your child about adoption
28 April 2007 (Saturday)
From 2.30PM to 5PM
Blk 162, Bukit Merah Central
5th Floor, Conference Room
$20 per person, $30 per couple
Register by 23 April
Visit our website for more details. http://www.tcs.org.sg/events/events_upcoming.html

or http:// adoption.tcs.org.sg/

For more information or registration, call Alice at 63179995 or email to [email protected]
Are you wondering about ...
The need to tell your child about his/her adoption?
When to start telling?
How to talk with your child about adoption?
How to help your child cope with his/her feelings of loss or insecurity?

Come hear the personal experiences of an adoptee and adoptive parents who have journeyed through some of these issues, and resolved many of their fears, and feelings of ambivalence and grief.

Testimonies from the past participants:
Very informative and beneficial. Highly applicable and practical. Video clips were useful. Makes us realize there are so many other adoptive parents out there we are not alone.
The workshop is well organized and the session interactive. Highly recommended for adoptive parents.
 
Thanks singlemomof3. I will definitely register for this.

And Lis, I believe if you treat your daughter well, she shouldn't feel the difference too much. Sometimes if you worry about something too much, you might consciously or unconsciously keep harping on/pointing to it and it will sort of backfire then. Parents, whether adoptive or not, tend to have a harder time when their kids hit their teens. I think we just have to grit our teeth and bear it till the 'terrible years' are over. I'm gritting my teeth now as my son is in the 'terrible two's' phase.

What is important is to keep communicating, perhaps have a nightly chit chat - just lying on her bed and chatting away and hopefully through the years, it will become a habit and hopefully, this 'communication channel' will always be there. I suppose you have to allocate the days/hours if you have more than 1 kid. Best to do it more than once a week, else things/issues may be forgotten or overlooked.

I feel that girls will be more open to such chit chat sessions... and also yes, girls are more sensitive and emotional, but they tend not to keep things to themselves?

I worry about my son though... he's chatty now, but most boys clam up as they grow older... I dread if this should happen...

Sigh! Worry, worry, worry...
 
hi singlemomof3

think i've attended this years b4, also at bt merah central. din find it very useful though, the speaker at that time din really answer the questions posed by some parents.

hi Catherine
ya, boys tend to be more clam up as they grow older, but my gal is real stubborn and sensitive, that's why i'm so worry...
think she said something like "i'll ask the other mama" once, when I said she can't have another sweet. But I think she's still very vague about this adoption thing.
 
hi VQ
how's your adoption going? oh dear, i forgot abt my gal's pic, can give me your email again so I can sent to you?
 
singlemomof3,
will definitely consider going for that if can find babysitter for my kids
happy.gif
thanks for the info!

juz had interview session & all seems ok if i were to say so myself. now hv to wait for call for home visit in abt 3-4wks...
 
Dear all,

Can any anyone on this thread advise which child adoption agency you are using?

Well, my wife and I are having very bad and painful experiences with a particular agency and would like to warn would-be adoptive parents against going to them.
 
Hi Lis,

i had PMed u my email addd.... awaiting for ur ADD pics!!!

still in process of my HSR n looking for suitable ADD for us...
 
<font color="0077aa">Lis,</font>
had saw ur gal's pic.. she's SO CUTE......

i agree with others.. she looks very SINGAPOREAN!!! She will be a good Jie-Jie for her little sisters and/or little brother!!!
 
The talk in this forum appears to be HSR related. Well let me share my experience too as we have already obtained approval.

It may appear to be cumberson to fill out the forms but if you can get the softcopies, it helps a great deal.

My wife and I are now in the midst of adopting a baby girl but its filled with obstacles and anxieties from the agency we are using.

Hence my initial question to everyone on which agency you are using. And if you are still shopping for an agency, please please please, do not use the Agency that is giving us lots of never ending problems.
 
well since the topic here in on HSR, let me advise you that completion of the HSR is not that bad as I have initially imagine. My wife and I have already obtained approval in December 2006.

From then till now, we have agreed to adopt a baby girl but the useless and unscrupplous agency we are using is giving us endless problems and delays.

So all those who have obtained approval to adopt, please be very very careful which agency you choose. Choosing the right agency can either make or break your relationship with your spouse and extended families.

There are lots of fly-by night adoption agencies and most of them just want your money and have no care in the world about the emotional and mental well being of your baby.
 
Hi Chris,

I used an agency run by a lady named Linda. She migrated here from China and had switched from 'supplying' (for want of a better word!!) China babies to local and Malaysian ones (mainly Malaysian). Some of us may be biased against people from China (I'm not). But Linda is just great, our adoption process was a breeze and she was extremely helpful, even after more than a year when we had a 'minor incident', she was in touch with us to fill us in. My husband later gave her contact (btw, we went to her on recommendation too) to an ex-colleague who was also very happy with her service. I don't have her contact now but will update you when I get home tonight to look for her name card. As you can see from my earlier post, we had adopted a local boy even we were all set for a M'sian one... so happened that Linda received a call just when we informed her we were ready to adopt. We will certainly use her services again if we decide to adopt another child (whether it'll be M'sian or local baby, doesn't matter).
 
Hi Catherine,

Good to know that you have positive experiences from the agency run by a lady named Linda.

Unfortunately my wife and I are having horrible and emotionally painful experiences from this agency run by a lady named Irene!.

(a) She promised to bring our baby down on 15 Feb 2007 in time for CNY but lo and behold, they realised that the "foster mother does not have the required documents and this resulted in delays!!

(b) The people she hired to do the leg work for her messed up the show which resulted in futher delays and suspicion raised by the foreign immigration department. This again resulted in more delays!!

(c) Thereafter the foster mother for one reason or another became "afraid" to submit her documentation for fear of futher questioning. This resulted in more delays!

(d) Now for some reason, the immigration official is not releasing the baby's passport becuase of some personal grudge....and this again results in more delays!!!

Somehow the excuses given by this agency is really out of this world and we are being penalised and suffering emotionally for all the delays.

Anyone who are looking out for a reputable adoption agency, please do your homework becuase all that is glitter at face value does not equate to gold!.
 
Hi Chris,

The name of the adoption agency I used was
Shunfa International Consultancy
Blk 171B Edgedale Plains #18-462
Tel : 6227 8966

Linda runs the biz out of her very neat and roomy flat in Punggol. We have been there twice. You can always call her for a chat or meet up to see how you like her first. She told us once that she does not just bring any baby but will do a first round physical and 'environmental' check. She also recommended us a very nice lawyer and the clinic where the baby will undergo a medical checkup (a reputable one in a private hospital).

I hope you are not tied down to your current agency for some reason but have the liberty to choose another. And how soon the baby arrives also depends on luck (we were so lucky, we got our son within a week), and also whether you feel some kind of bond/sense of liking for the babies that you'll be meeting. For us, we told ourselves that as long as the baby is physically fine and looks normal, we will accept him (no need to be cute or something)... you and your wife may have your own 'plan'.

Keep us updated on your search... God bless!
 
hi VQ
my DD was fairer when she's a toddler, now has grown tanner since. When we were in Uk, pp has been commenting about how summer had tan her up, and now back in Singapore, pp ask me how many times do I bring her for a swim per week.
But frankly, I'm used to it, in fact, I don't find her very tan as I'm seeing her everyday. '
I'm very fair myself, even my natural DD is not as fair as me.
 
<font color="0077aa">Catherine,</font>
I would like to check on How n What is the costs like for your local adoption? PM me. Thks!

I met some problems as my aunt told me that it is quite difficult to get the baby out fm her place as nowadays the indonesia government is more consious abt it but Batam will be easier.. but my concern is i hv no relatives at Batam to help me monitor n research...

as DH n i r cracking our brains... n i saw ur postings... DH had told me to contact Linda soon... thank you... but i dont know what to ask or what to tell Linda abt?!?!?!
 
Dear all,

I have new updates on more delays as informed by the horrible Fox Family adoption agency which I am using!.

More delays on my baby's arrival are now expected! This is in stark contrast to being repeatedly informed by the lady boss that all documentation were at hand. Now and only today we have been informed that the baby's birth certificate has not been processed or waiting for release by the foreign immigration department. We can't really tell what is the truth or not anymore as the agency has repeatedly failed to meet the constant promises communicated.

Not a surprise to me and my wife anymore as the agency has never failed to mis-inform, mis-handle, mis-managed and mess up our adoption process.

So to all adoptive parents out there, please ask around and be very careful of this agency which I am referring to.

There are others like me who have used this agency and are now suffering emotionally due to the mis-management of our adoption procedure.
 
Hi VQ,

I have PMed you.

Hi Chris,

Can't you use another agency? Will all this stress affect your relationship with your child later?
 
Hi Catherine,

Using another agency would be the easiest if:
(a) We have not made the payment
(b) We have not seen, carried, touched and fell in love with the child.

Although the money paid is a secondary issue, but not being able to care, love and provide the best to the child is something which is unbearable for us.
 
Hi Chris,

Yes, I thought too that you may have gone in way too deep to get out.

Hope you and your wife will be able to take deep breaths and keep calm. Ask the agency for a dateline, and tell them that you will report them to MCYS/police or other authorities if there is further delay. Or you could tell them that you want to travel to where the child is to settle the problem once and for all. See what their reaction is...

And in the midst of all this stress, do not forget about the preparation (mentally, physically and materially) for the arrival of the baby. Your world will be totally different and there'll be lots of adjustments/sacrifices to be made.

For others who are looking for adoption agencies, do ask around and only use those that are recommended by people you trust.
 
Catherine,

Sadly, we have come to the conclusion that despite demanding deadline countless number of times, the agency has NEVER met any of its promises to deadlines given.

All we have been given is lies, half-truths, incomplete information, without ensuring that everything is in order.

My wife and I have been mentally, physically and materially ready 5 years ago. We even have a maid now to help with the house chores. All our extended families and friends are ready and eagerly waiting and hoping.

All we need now is our baby.
 
Hi Chris,

Oh dear, 5 years? Why wait so long to start? I do hope your wait for this baby will be over soon. Will have you in my prayers.

Hi everyone else,

Just thought that maybe you might want to know:
1. Once the adoption process is completed, you can go on to claim the baby bonus.

2. If you put your baby in infantcare/childcare before the process is completed, you will have to pay the unsubsidised amount. Once the process is completed, write to MCYS to request a claim for the subsidies you missed while the adoption was being processed. Keep all your receipts/invoices from the childcare centre. Get your childcare centre to help process the claim.

3. You can also apply for adoption leave if your company supports it. Basically, your company will claim whatever you are paid during this from the govt. No need to wait for completion of adoption process to do this.
 
<font color="0077aa">Catherine,</font>
thanks for being so patient to answer my questions...

<font color="0077aa">Lis,</font>
i think ur gal's n Catherine's boy should be around the same age ya?
 
Hi VQ,

It's great that you finally made the call. Any chance of progressing with an adoption with her? Do keep us updated...
 
Hi V_ni,

Well my wife and I have never attended a pre-adoption workshop as we were already mentally and emotionally prepared to commence with the adoption.

Also I understand that most of the workshps are required if you are considering adoption of a baby from China.

Also please take serious note that you and your husband need to be very very careful with which adoption agency you are eventually going to go with.

There are lots of adoption agencies out there and from experience, very few are doing this business with a geninuine and sincere heart.

So do your research, talk to anyone who has done adoption and be careful.
 
Hi V_ni,

It'll be good to go for the workshop as you can clarify any doubts that you may have concerning procedures and also you may learn a thing or 2 from the officers at MCYS.

I attended a workshop conducted by Touch Community Services years ago. They are still conducting them. It's good to go as there'll be experienced people to talk to, and also people who are 'in the same situation' as you.
 
Hi Vi_ni,

I dont think there is any support group for adoptive parents in Singapore. Not that I know of at least. Perhaps we should all start one.

But I feel there should be better safeguards to protect adoptive parents. Since there is accreditation of maid agencies and now with the HRS to evaluate the suitability of adoptive parents, it is timely to start regulating the adoptive agencies.

A lot of them are really out to cheat and play delay tactics which is unfair to adoptive parents.

Good luck V_ni in your search, let us know if you have any queries.
 
Hi,

There is an adoption support group started by Touch Community Services. Go to the link at
http://adoption.tcs.org.sg/services_TAFNET.html

They have other adoption resources too, including a library. I just found all these out at their website. I'm not a member of any of these.

Hi Vi_ni,
Sometimes too much 'preparation' may be more bad than good. We can never be completely prepared to be parents (adoptive or not). I believe the first step involves you and your husband - both of you must be able to accept that the child is not biologically yours and you must treat the child as if he/she is yours, no matter what happens. You must also be strong enough to not be bothered by what other people might say. For me, my extended families and friends are supportive and we have not heard anything bad said about our adoption. But I'm sure there are all sorts of opinions out there...and we have to stand by our own.

For my husband and I, we just sort of took a deep breath and went ahead... I only started reading up recently on parenting issues...it's not that I'm without worries... but which parent (adoptive or otherwise) wouldn't?

Just enjoy each day as it comes...sometimes too much planning and preparation just kills things.

We are now enjoying our new family life very much... though I have been physically tired since the day I brought my son home! But it's worth it!

I'm half-way through this book, 'Parenting Your Adopted Child' by Andrew Adesman. It's quite good. You can get it at Kinokuniya where many other adoption titles are available. I will update on other books as I progress in my reading (very slowly!).

Hi Chris,

How's your adoption going? You sound very bitter... hope your bad experience is over/be over soon?
 
Hi I'm new here. Glad to find such a thread here. I'm up at this time because my son (he's adopted also) is having a fever and I'm monitoring him. So can't really sleep.

Catherine, you are right. Linda is a nice lady. I adopted my son (from China) 6 years ago thru her. She is one of the few China ladies who made me feel maybe I should not do a sweeping generalization about China people. There are nice, genuine and sincere ones out there.

The one thing I'm hoping for is to find a support group, so these kids of ours will not feel they are "different" as there are many out there like them.
 
Hi mummies who adopted a child successfully,
i would like to clear some doubts here as my SIL recently adopted a child from M'sia, but have not received the bb yet.

According to her, the paper documentations are still in process. But last weekend, the so-called agent who help to arrange this adopton brought the bb out from M'sia to meet up with my SIL. They have agreed to pay $25K for this child. But without signing anything or receipt, they requested my SIL to pay $14k first. They even asked for the full amt but luckily my MIL stopped her. Cos they mentioned it takes abt another 2mths before the bb can be officially transferred here.

My question is, issit any money transaction/ agreement done in front of a lawyer or witness? According to SIL, they met up outside and did the transact. i begin to worry if this is a fraud cos the agent also requested some money to pay for the bb's expenses like milk, diapers, which i dun think should be the duty of my SIL at this point? Also they did nt get to meet the bb's parents.

Can anyone advice what should be the proper way of payment , proceedure and duration of the whole adoption? should the agent be from Singapore rather than from M'sia?
 
hi blueangel30,

Although I adopted a local boy in the end, I was first briefed on the procedure for a M'sian baby and it certainly does not sound like what your s-i-l is going thru'.

For payment, we did sign some documents (from agent) and was issued receipt with each payment.

I suggest your s-i-l call Linda (I posted her details in this same thread) and ask her about the procedure. What you described does not sound right - it shouldn't take so long to get the baby and it's best to work with local agent. As for meeting the parents, not everyone gets to do that - I for one did not meet the parents even when they were local.

Call Linda - she should be able to advise you without obligation, and ask your s-i-l to hold payments.
 
Catherine,
is the HSR supose to be the very first proceedure before selecting the bb? I also recalled tt my SIL had only a few days to decide whether they wan the bb. I suspect this made the 'agent' realise tt my SIL was quite desperate in adopting the bb, hence she stressed on the urgency.


Is more than half the amt of the total sum being the deposit a 'normal' amt to request or is there a fixed payment term till they receive the bb?

How long did u get ur bb aft from the time u paid the 1st payment?

Thanks for the advice
 
Hi blueangel30,

Your s-i-l should have done her homework before taking any action. Adoption is a serious matter. Go to this site for details of adoption procedures:

http://fcd.ecitizen.gov.sg/ChildrenNParenthood/AdoptAChild/AdoptionProcess/

As for deposit, it varies from agency to agency. Mine was a trusted one recommended by more than 1 friend and since mine was a local adoption, I brought my baby home 2 days after first meeting him (and after a medical check-up for him). I made 3 payments during that 3 days. I'm quite sure that even for a M'sian baby, it shouldn't take more than a few days as they'll be brought in via a social visit pass.

You can call Touch Community Services (TCS, a non-profit organization) or MCYS for advice on procedures. TCS also does HSRs. I guess agency-wise, they won't be able to help re-dress your s-i-l's situation.

Touch Community Services adoption website:
http://adoption.tcs.org.sg/services_home-study.html

and yes, HSR is needed for international adoptions - mine was local, so I did not need one but MCYS conducted interviews and home visit.
 
Cat, thanks for the info. I jus spoke to my SIL, apparently she got a local agent liasing with a M'sia agent. Now situation is getting complicated as the HSR is to be done next week and there is a chance the bb will be open for adoption to another family soon.

problem with SIl was she did nt discuss with anyone and acted base on what the agent said. We will be hearin from her end of this week.
 
To add to what I had written - I saw in the procedure that HSR takes about 5 weeks, upon submission, takes about 2 weeks for approval and all this time, foreign baby must not be in custody of prospective parents. Upon approval, Dependents Pass will be issued... lots of things to know before taking the first step.

One way for your s-i-l to 'hang-on' to baby is to get help from relatives in M'sia if she has any. They can take care of the baby while all this is going on - provided she is sure her application will be approved.

Good luck to her.
 
Hi Catherine,

Linda called me to "view" a bb girl but as my HSR has not been approve yet(We had just done our home interview). I dont dare to view as i m afraid i might fall in love with "her" n later HSR not approve... so i told Linda i will start to view bb girl when my HSR has approve.
 
Cat/ VQ,
tat was precisely what my SIL did the opposite way....she already fell in love with the bb, seen him 5-6 times already...the whole family also love the boy...now got this problem...HSR still not conducted yet....she was too 'gan chiong'....hence now she in a fix ...hiaz
 
Hi VQ,

Nice to hear from you again... was wondering what has happened to people like you and Chris. Great to know that you are still at it. You could try calling MCYS to 'hurry' them a bit as you have a baby for viewing. They may make an exception for your case, as they did my whole adoption thing in an impressive short time (remember my 'long story' to you?). Nowadays govt agencies are not as inflexible as before. By the way, did Linda ask how you found her agency?

Keep us posted... and Chris, if you are still reading this thread... can let us know if you finally got your baby?

Cheers!
 
<font color="ff0000">Catherine,</font>
Just receive a call n being informed that our HSR is ready for collection. Means Approve right? this is FAST!! fm the interview til approval .. it takes only 3wks....

Yes.. of cos Linda asked me how i found her! i told her your name n she goes OH YES!! ur fren has the RARE case n she got her son within 2 wks!!! Yeah! she remembered you!! hahaa....

hey! ur story is not long at all.. it is very informative to me!!
 
VQ,

That's great news... as I did not do a HSR, I'm not so sure what this means. Anyway, I went to look at the procedure flow chart and yes, it means you can start looking for and 'identifying' the child you'll want to adopt! Does Linda still have the baby? You must be very excited... I feel excited for you too! Hope you find your baby soon! Awaiting your good news.

Cheers!
 
<font color="ff0000">Catherine,</font>
i really must salute Linda. She called me on Sat to ask me whether our HSR had approved n told me that she has a bb girl for viewing!!! bb is less than a mth... OMG!! must be very cute.. will be visiting her tomorrow...

i m so excited!!!
 
Hi VQ,

I'm so excited too... get ready for lots of emotions, questions, doubts, fears, uncertainties. The main thing is to keep CALM and rational and know what you want and not look back once you make your decision.

Keep us posted!

Cheers!
 
<font color="ff0000">Hi Catherine,</font>
DH n i had saw the baby very CUTE, less than 3 wks old... sound asleep but suddenly laugh until mouth so wide!! hahaa.....

i told myself not to "Fall in LOVE with her on the spot" n also CONTROL myself... i m handling it very well...

the problem now is my parent hope bb is Happy with us n via versa so we request to check on the compatibility of our "Ba Zi".. not that DH n i r "pantang" but we hope this is a happy ending.. i hope u know what i mean?

my DD is so happy cos i show her the pic of the bb girl.. she commented WOW!! is she my little sister? when is she coming back? i can share my pillows with her.

so we shall leave for fate to decide for us now!
 
Hi VQ,

I understand what you meant. My sister who has 2 adopted kids took very long to adopt her second one 'cos of this 'ba zi' thing.

For me and husband, we did not do that and our basis was very simple - baby that we saw just needs to look physically normal (2 ears, eyes, etc)... else it would be like shopping? That would be very sad. But our boy turned out to be very cute and quite often called 'handsome'... strange thing was that both of us did not think so when we first saw him and even when we brought him home... we thought of him as ordinary... but when complete strangers come up and compliment us on our son, then there must be something right? Maybe we were trying too hard to be rational and 'controlled'...

Almost 3 years now... so far so good...

So I await your good news... whenever that may be... hope it'll be soon!
 
<font color="ff0000">Hi Catherine,</font>
had checked the ba zi... we r the bb's "gua ren" n my DD n the bb hv no clash! we r more than suitable to be a family!!

so now, the next step is medical checkup. once result came out good, we will bring her home!!

Linda's said actually we can bring her home after medical check up? but i do not want to get too "attached" to the bb in case the medical reports result.... so i will return her to Linda's after that.
 
Hi VQ,

So it's done! Yay! I'm so happy for you... you should get the medical report in 2 days?

If everything goes well, can PM me her pic?

I can't believe I helped someone I didn't know thru' the internet... my first time... happy!
 


<font color="ff0000">Hi Catherine,</font>
when Linda asked me ur DS was a beautiful baby right? i told her i nvr met ur DS. in fact, i nvr met u too!!

after that, my DH asked me how do i manage to know Linda, i told her fm a fren i know fm the thread. he goes: HUH??? so u nvr met ur fren n her DH before? but the way u mention the couple's names is as if u know them for long!!!! i replied YES!!! he then commented WOW!! nowadays thread r so informative!!! hahaha....

i tried not to be too happy n excited for it yet.. cos hv not done medical reports yet! but i must say i m really excited abt it!!

no problem on the pic.. i ned to PM to a few ladies i know thru thread too!!
 
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