Am i Being Selfish?

[lost999]

married for 10 yrs, got 2 kids one age 10 another age 5. from the start till now im been paying for kids insurance, enrichment class and all expenses. my spouse paid for utilities bill, internet and car. recently, my spouse told me to sell the hse and help him clear his credit card debts. and told me that half of the money will clear his debts, another half to pay for the new hse. as then I check with him how he got into so much debts that need half the hse cash of about up to $80k.

he told me that last time when we go for holidays, he buy stuffs, then start online business using all his credit cards to paid. and did not pay off on time. and also not working for few years, work as free lance grab and use the credit card to cover up his car/ servicing cost. on and off he got clear his debts, but then now all his debts he can only paid off the interest only. which is monthly of 1-2k.

after his owning on the debts, he is now back to work again, but all his salary are only enough to cover his interest debts, and to pay his monthly car instalments, no expenses household for the house. therefore he been pleasing me to sell the hse and help clear his debts. with all the nice words it will a better living after clearing the debts and hse is too small to stay (3rooms flat for 4 person). we need one more room for the kid. kid are growing.

but from my thought , I did not agree and want to help his clear his debts at all.
- cause it been 10 yrs I had nvr received any single cents from him.
- 5 yrs ago, when his financially is gd he will help out a bit household on the hse. after he stop working no more money from him.
- im scare of his spending habits

by e way, my spouse is those that got how much spent how much de. when 5 yrs ago, I asked him to save moeny, he told me u monthly hardwork y wanna to save that amount and make you cant eat e gd food? got his salary, he will bring us go eat all the gds foods. asked him eat hawker, he say v hot, no aircon.

but ever since he is in debts, he been telling kids to save money. and also now when we are out, we will eat hawker foods. and those things kids wan to buy he will say no money /next time. kids pocket money come from him, every weekly pocket money he also told kids no money. and then I step in and give the kids. then v guai is will come back for dinner. but he will nvr change is everyday after dinner he will go out entertainment. he told me I can save the food, but the beer is relax cannot save.

Now he is forcing to sell the house to clear off his debts, after clearing up the debts then can get buy new house. during the transitions period, need to stay inlaws house and the whole house things got to move into the storage rent room.

so being a wife, should I help him to clear off the debts? then 6 persons live in a 3rooms flat inside a small room then sell hse and give him all the money?
or jus let him settle all his debts in few years time then buy the house?
but then I also wish to change a bigger hse for the family.

 

[Eppy]

married for 10 yrs, got 2 kids one age 10 another age 5. from the start till now im been paying for kids insurance, enrichment class and all expenses. my spouse paid for utilities bill, internet and car. recently, my spouse told me to sell the hse and help him clear his credit card debts. and told me that half of the money will clear his debts, another half to pay for the new hse. as then I check with him how he got into so much debts that need half the hse cash of about up to $80k.

he told me that last time when we go for holidays, he buy stuffs, then start online business using all his credit cards to paid. and did not pay off on time. and also not working for few years, work as free lance grab and use the credit card to cover up his car/ servicing cost. on and off he got clear his debts, but then now all his debts he can only paid off the interest only. which is monthly of 1-2k.

after his owning on the debts, he is now back to work again, but all his salary are only enough to cover his interest debts, and to pay his monthly car instalments, no expenses household for the house. therefore he been pleasing me to sell the hse and help clear his debts. with all the nice words it will a better living after clearing the debts and hse is too small to stay (3rooms flat for 4 person). we need one more room for the kid. kid are growing.

but from my thought , I did not agree and want to help his clear his debts at all.
- cause it been 10 yrs I had nvr received any single cents from him.
- 5 yrs ago, when his financially is gd he will help out a bit household on the hse. after he stop working no more money from him.
- im scare of his spending habits

by e way, my spouse is those that got how much spent how much de. when 5 yrs ago, I asked him to save moeny, he told me u monthly hardwork y wanna to save that amount and make you cant eat e gd food? got his salary, he will bring us go eat all the gds foods. asked him eat hawker, he say v hot, no aircon.

but ever since he is in debts, he been telling kids to save money. and also now when we are out, we will eat hawker foods. and those things kids wan to buy he will say no money /next time. kids pocket money come from him, every weekly pocket money he also told kids no money. and then I step in and give the kids. then v guai is will come back for dinner. but he will nvr change is everyday after dinner he will go out entertainment. he told me I can save the food, but the beer is relax cannot save.

so being a wife, should I help him to clear off the debts?
or jus let him settle all his debts in few years time then buy the house?
but then I also wish to change a bigger hse for the family.

I think you can help him BUT you must hold him responsible meaning he must make an effort to pay you back. What you can do is manage his finance, if his only enjoyment is beer, then give him $20 for beer every night, the rest is yours to manage.

 

[bohgie]

help with some terms if next time he got the money at least he will have to pay u back.

 

[JL8118]

Well, you can help him pay off his debts. Then again like what Eppy suggested, maybe can limit his allowance. And 'force' him to go into savings by contribute monthly.
Next, I think for the CC bills, can try apply some installment base kind of program from the bank. They will calculate your spending, salary etc, and comes out with a plan that let you pay on installment basis for a number of years.

 

[lost999]

from the start, he had nvr give me money. i did ask to finances his money. he jus told me off, he need to pay this and tt already no money how to give? cause from the start of married till now, he nvr give me a single cents at all. even cny new yr, he give me is that few hundreds is for his relatives side. cause i always told him, if he don't wan to pay then i don't follow hse visiting. cause he can be the type that sit down and play games..

 

[JL8118]

Most guy will not want their partner to finance their money.
But if he's someone who doesn't manage well, then he should let you finance his money.
Have a talk with him. If he doesn't allow, then don't help him in debt.

 

[margret]

be careful.
what is entertainment for him? go night club or KTV.
with his character, I think it's very dangerous to help him clear the debts.
If he doesn't change what else u all have to sell to clear his future debts.
Even if u wan to help u clear his debt by selling the house, make sure he declare whether will there be any more debts and what's his entertainment. also his to make sure his salary help the household expenses

 

[Raspberry38]

You can lose everything but not the house.


Let him settle all his debts in few years time then buy the house.

 

[Stansy]

Hmm.. quite a tough decision. In the other hand, he seems to be an irresponsible person. He shd be accountable for his own action & not eyeing the money from selling the house. What happened if he doesn’t manage his money properly & gets into a bigger debts? Then what whole family bunk at relative/sibling place? How old the kids feel?

Do think carefully & do save as much as possible for your kids and your own sake

 

[Eppy]

Actually if you say his interest is 1-2 k a month and he is still surviving now. Means if you pay his debt and gets him to commit into paying you back, you will get to have 1-2k in your pocket from then on.

The whole problem with him is he wants to maintain his lifestyle n not pay you back. Lifestyle have to change, sell the car, you get at least another additional $500 per month even if you grab everyday to work.
If he is in debt, you can’t escape. Even if u divorce, you will still bear half his debts.

 

[Stansy]

Additional to tt shd cancel all his credit cards

 

[Freedom-123]

Actually if you say his interest is 1-2 k a month and he is still surviving now. Means if you pay his debt and gets him to commit into paying you back, you will get to have 1-2k in your pocket from then on.

The whole problem with him is he wants to maintain his lifestyle n not pay you back. Lifestyle have to change, sell the car, you get at least another additional $500 per month even if you grab everyday to work.
If he is in debt, you can’t escape. Even if u divorce, you will still bear half his debts.

Why do you need to bear half of his debts when you are divorced?
Can apply for debt consolidation plan from the bank - lower interest rate and over 7 years. And he can only keep one credit card

 

[Eppy]

Why do you need to bear half of his debts when you are divorced?
Can apply for debt consolidation plan from the bank - lower interest rate and over 7 years. And he can only keep one credit card

Because his debt is also part of the matrimonial assets. Profits share, debts shared too.

Yup he can do that too, if he is willing.

 

[tiggerpooh]

i think to put it clearly, it should b dat the debts are shared only when both names r in d debt ie loan, when both parties take out a loan... or act as a guarantor 4 d other...

However, if it's credit card debts, den only d name of d card holder is liable 4 d debt. D debt of credit cards is not shared.

 

[DonLee]

Well, I don't think you should help settle his debts. Worst, by selling the house. This is definitely a no no.
House is not cheap nowadays too. If after selling and clearing the debts, the leftover may not even enough to get a house of your current flat type. Or can only 'downgrade' to a smaller one. Will it be fine for you?
You can have a talk with him, and discuss with him to come out of a plan to pay off the debts instead. Like what Freedom-123 mentioned, there's debt consolidations plan which have lower interests rate and run a period of time. So can consider taking up that instead, while paying off the debts with monthly payment scheme, and slowly it will be clear.

 

[jayjayqueenie]

if he need u to settle the debts, he should give his pay to you for finance managing. i am not sure how u do that though.

i am the sort who likes to be equal. my husband and i had a few quarrels about the things i spent on. and i felt unfair. because he likes to be gungho and pay for everything that OTHER family members require without thinking about how much he has.

it becomes that every single thing that i want to buy he will stop me. even stopping to buy a bottle of mineral water he will ask me to think about it and let me thirst to death right there ?? it was really harsh for me.

so one day i blew out infront of everyone. i complain that it is not fair that u spend like water tap running lose and i have to think every step
i spend. i am a working adult not stay at home wife.

 

[lost999]

thank you for the advice.
he is the one who suggest to buy the car. cause he is those type no car can die de. even for yrs he work as grab, he will switch from the car to car, then end up drive the taxi

roughly estimate; if I sell the hse, take back the cash, half gone to the debts another half will be for renovation/ furniture. rental storage fees for a maybe at least half a year or few months.
after selling the hse, we cant immediately get a 2nd hand hse. we got to wait for few months to clear his credit status then after can apply for hse bank loan.

so eventually I do not know after paying all will we end up more loans on those renovation/ furniture. cause as I know those 2nd hand hse for renovation is not as easy as those BTO.
we try apply BTO also but did not get.

 

[lost999]

if he need u to settle the debts, he should give his pay to you for finance managing. i am not sure how u do that though.

i am the sort who likes to be equal. my husband and i had a few quarrels about the things i spent on. and i felt unfair. because he likes to be gungho and pay for everything that OTHER family members require without thinking about how much he has.

it becomes that every single thing that i want to buy he will stop me. even stopping to buy a bottle of mineral water he will ask me to think about it and let me thirst to death right there ?? it was really harsh for me.

so one day i blew out infront of everyone. i complain that it is not fair that u spend like water tap running lose and i have to think every step
i spend. i am a working adult not stay at home wife.

 

[lost999]

yes yes, I also had this feeling before. he buy branded stuff he say worth it. while I save money every month, buy fruits and bread that I like and even buy extra to bring it to office. he stare at me, and say buy so much for what?

 

[DonLee]

Well, even you sell the house to pay his debts off, you won't be able to get another house loan. Because of his credit rating. After clearing off the debts, he need to wait for 2yrs?, before he is eligible to apply for loan. Hence, selling the house away is not a good option.

Yes. Like my wife and myself, we split among us too. We have an account whereby we will put in monthly a sum of money. This amount is use for household stuff. Like internet, utilities, up to toiletries or even travelling (like air tix/accomodation) etc. For her hp bill, she will pay herself, and same for mine, I will pay myself. She can spent and buy stuff she want herself, and same goes for me. But of course sometimes when we went out dine, most of the time I will be the one paying. Of course there are times she pay too. For such, we didn't so 'ji jiao' about it. Like I buy food, she buy drink. And next time I buy drink, she buy food something like that. So when I buy car, I use my own also.

 

[Stansy]

With his debt situation it’s very difficult for him to apply for loan. You might even need to cough out more $$ for the house

 

[Freedom-123]

1. get an in-principal approval on housing loan from the banks. Your income and credit rating will be considered. From there, you will know what you can afford
2. Ask yourself if you are ok to downgrade. If upgrade or same size, you will be getting a larger loan since you are cashing out. Can you afford the monthly loan installment?
3. Check out DCP. He can always apply for credit cards without your knowledge
But once you are on DCP, only one credit card based on one month’s income is allowed.

 

[Mongkok]

thank you for the advice.
he is the one who suggest to buy the car. cause he is those type no car can die de. even for yrs he work as grab, he will switch from the car to car, then end up drive the taxi

roughly estimate; if I sell the hse, take back the cash, half gone to the debts another half will be for renovation/ furniture. rental storage fees for a maybe at least half a year or few months.
after selling the hse, we cant immediately get a 2nd hand hse. we got to wait for few months to clear his credit status then after can apply for hse bank loan.

so eventually I do not know after paying all will we end up more loans on those renovation/ furniture. cause as I know those 2nd hand hse for renovation is not as easy as those BTO.
we try apply BTO also but did not get.

If u want to upgrade to a bigger house, u shouldn't sell the house to settle his debt. The house shall only be sold for upgrading purposes. This current house is your last pot of gold.

First, u guys are in a weak financial standing to embark on a bigger loan (big hse bigger loan, 2nd hand worse) given his job prospect, his liabilities (car & spending habits).

Second, instead taking ownership (reduce spending, liabilities), learning from his mistake, he took the easier way out (eyeing on the sale proceed to bail him out) so he can lead his desired lifestyle again.

This is a disaster waiting to happen, again. The next round (disaster) u will end up worse than now.

If it's foreseeable he can settle his debts on his own, let him settle it himself. Once debt settled, your bigger house dream will be able to realise.. by then, he will b a better person to live with.

 

[Sky1980]

Trust me 1 thing. After selling ur current house, u won’t be able to afford to buy another house if ur hubby mind set never change. I have seen many cases as financial advisor. No money still can go entertainment, drive car, enjoy life... come on ... he doesn’t have the sense of responsibility. Sell house clear debt and buy another house is just an excuse (I am so sorry to say this).

I think u only have 2 options:
1. Ask him to declare bankrupt. The bank can never touch your HDB (thanks for the law to protect the public housing). The officer will help him to negotiate with the bank to stop the bank charging more interest. As long as he follow the payment schedule arranged by the officer, he can be out of bankruptcy within 5 years. Of course, the risk is he will think that you are not helping him and make him lose face to declare bankrupt.. find thousand of reason to treat u badly if he still doesn’t understand his problem.

2. Just prepare to lose the roof over your head. Prepare to rent for a long period of time or even for the rest of your life unless your income is very good that allow you to buy another property with your own saving (please forget about his portion of income as his income will never come to you. Please recognized this hard true. Once his debt is clear, his past spending habit will come back again .. good car, good food, good beer and maybe beautiful woman).

I am not trying to ask u to give up on your hubby but I just wish you to know what will be consequences of your choice of action. So u won’t end up to blame on your hubby and lose the faith in your life.

Good luck .. just remind all women here to ask your daughter open their eye big big before they get married..

 

[astiva]

@lost999 I would like to tell you a story. I PM you okay.

 

[kissryl]

I reco to ask him declare bankrupt and learn how to manage his financials. Blindly helping wont help because he wouldn't learn. At least i saw how my friend changed after he had to declare bankrupt and change his lifestyle. Selling the house wont help and only places u in a very disadvantaged situation with the kids.. hope you can get some good financial advices!