Advice Required: Divorce or Not Divorce????
- Thread starter freshmama
- Start date
desparate_wife
Active Member
catrtpilly, i also found out my husband having affair. But i can't forgive him. I haven't taken any action, but really thinking of divorce.
I know that it will affect the kids, but if i continue, i might go crazy.
I know that it will affect the kids, but if i continue, i might go crazy.
awakening2009
New Member
hi karen
i also jus discovered that my hb was having a affair
I'm still trying to come to terms with it.
i also jus discovered that my hb was having a affair
I'm still trying to come to terms with it.
desparate_wife
Active Member
yes, coming to term is one thing, but make sure get some evidence to protect yourself. Your husband will never admit in court or infront of other. so it;s advisable to get the evidence then decide on the next step
awakening2009
New Member
hi karen,
splitting with him has not crossed my mind cos he's still a great dad to our kids despite of wat he has done. i'm tinking along tat line
splitting with him has not crossed my mind cos he's still a great dad to our kids despite of wat he has done. i'm tinking along tat line
desparate_wife
Active Member
i was like u. but is he remorseful? has he stop the affair?
awakening2009
New Member
hi karen
he has since stopped the affair..he is repentful.
are u and ur hb trying to work things out?
he has since stopped the affair..he is repentful.
are u and ur hb trying to work things out?
desparate_wife
Active Member
if he really remorseful then can try forgiving him. but don't let him play u out by continuing secretly with the women or another women.
I still have not decide but mostb likely goign to file. Cos i don't want to go thru this again and spend more money to engage pi to get evidence against him again if he stray.
I still have not decide but mostb likely goign to file. Cos i don't want to go thru this again and spend more money to engage pi to get evidence against him again if he stray.
Hi ladies,
Just to share my opinion...
Don't hang on to a relationship with no love.
Guys always think that we will hang on for the sake of the kids so close one eye to what they are doing.
Think about it..a 50 year old man can still finds a woman easily but can a 50 year woman finds a man ??so stop wasting time and get out of it if u can.embrace yourself and find new love while u still young..
Just to share my opinion...
Don't hang on to a relationship with no love.
Guys always think that we will hang on for the sake of the kids so close one eye to what they are doing.
Think about it..a 50 year old man can still finds a woman easily but can a 50 year woman finds a man ??so stop wasting time and get out of it if u can.embrace yourself and find new love while u still young..
Hi,
I agree with minzz. Don't stick it out if there is no more love. If your hubby still strays despite the forgiveness you have given, you better let go. If your concern is your children, you should think of what will happen if they see you and your hubby are not in good terms? They will still be affected one way or the other. Staying in the marriage might make your whole life miserable.
I agree with minzz. Don't stick it out if there is no more love. If your hubby still strays despite the forgiveness you have given, you better let go. If your concern is your children, you should think of what will happen if they see you and your hubby are not in good terms? They will still be affected one way or the other. Staying in the marriage might make your whole life miserable.
sadwife2009
New Member
What if there is no love, but at the same time no adultery involved. Just plain mental torture or neglect from husband. Shld get a divorce? What if there is a child in the marriage?
Communication is always the cause of marriage breakdown, not necessary need to have marital affairs or money problems.
For me, I just simply don't have any communication with my hubby at all other than casual talks about kids and logistic affair. To me, it is no difference talking to colleague and outsiders. Because we don't communicate much like before, and such my emotional needs are not being met. I feel this is not a marriage at all. We are all deceiving ourselves......to me seems like a housemate (not room-mates). So what is marriage then? To me I am staying on.....is for the sake of my children. When they are matured enough, I will then proceed with a divorce.
I have spoken to him so many times but what is the use. There was communication during courtship and before having kids, but none thereafter. So what is the point of hanging on to this marriage.
Now my heart is dead.
I will not be so stupid wallowing in self-pity. I am doing what he is doing....surfing internet. I will never ask for communication ever. Like what the chinese saying.....你走你的阳关道，我走我的独木桥
For me, I just simply don't have any communication with my hubby at all other than casual talks about kids and logistic affair. To me, it is no difference talking to colleague and outsiders. Because we don't communicate much like before, and such my emotional needs are not being met. I feel this is not a marriage at all. We are all deceiving ourselves......to me seems like a housemate (not room-mates). So what is marriage then? To me I am staying on.....is for the sake of my children. When they are matured enough, I will then proceed with a divorce.
I have spoken to him so many times but what is the use. There was communication during courtship and before having kids, but none thereafter. So what is the point of hanging on to this marriage.
Now my heart is dead.
I will not be so stupid wallowing in self-pity. I am doing what he is doing....surfing internet. I will never ask for communication ever. Like what the chinese saying.....你走你的阳关道，我走我的独木桥
sadwife2009
New Member
I have the same thoughts as u Renee. But just wondering whether I should do it now then later. Would it make a difference to the child if I chose to divorce now or later? My son is close to 2 yrs old. Would it make a difference if divorce is when he is five, ten, or fifteen? How mature does he need to be before such matters can be raised? Or would it be better for him if we go through the divorce proceedings when he is still young, at least he will not see the ugly side of things.
sadwife2009, it's not whether now or later, the important thing is whether are u ready?
Divorce is between u and your husband. If there is no love now, do u think in the future, he will suddenly turn around and start to love u again?
For your child issue, even if there is a divorce, but your husband is still the father and he can see the child whether he want to. The only different is he is not staying with u now.
When a child is young, it's easier to adapt to the situation than when is he older. When he is in school and u started to divorce, then it might affect his studies and such
Divorce is between u and your husband. If there is no love now, do u think in the future, he will suddenly turn around and start to love u again?
For your child issue, even if there is a divorce, but your husband is still the father and he can see the child whether he want to. The only different is he is not staying with u now.
When a child is young, it's easier to adapt to the situation than when is he older. When he is in school and u started to divorce, then it might affect his studies and such
Hi sadwife2009, I have thought about that too. Seriously I don't know whether should I wait for my children to be mature or should I just do it straight away.
I also do not want my children to be pyscologically affected by seeing my sulken face everyday.
I am ready in my mind. Coz I have already spoken to the lawyer last year. Imagine I have such thoughts for a long long time.
For me, I have share this thoughts with my hubby then but there was no word from him. So what does this means? I can say he just don't care.
I also do not want my children to be pyscologically affected by seeing my sulken face everyday.
I am ready in my mind. Coz I have already spoken to the lawyer last year. Imagine I have such thoughts for a long long time.
For me, I have share this thoughts with my hubby then but there was no word from him. So what does this means? I can say he just don't care.
Now I simply do not wish to talk to him at all. Like him, I simply prefer to log onto the internet. Talking to him is so dragful. Either he is not listening or simply ignoring me.
Most of the time, I regret getting marry and having children.
Sometime I really wonder what is man's view in this? By any chance, do any of you know which forum has both men and women point of view pertaining to such talk?
Sometime I just can't help it but to say this is really true......marriage sucks. It even more sucks when you have a child or children. I don't know how many married couples are feeling this way.
Most of the time, I regret getting marry and having children.
Sometime I really wonder what is man's view in this? By any chance, do any of you know which forum has both men and women point of view pertaining to such talk?
Sometime I just can't help it but to say this is really true......marriage sucks. It even more sucks when you have a child or children. I don't know how many married couples are feeling this way.
sadwife2009
New Member
I am contemplating getting divorce now, firstly because I feel it could be easier for son to adapt. Also, because There may be a chance to find someone who can appreciate me if I do it earlier than later. But I caution myself with that thought. Cause men can be so different when they are wooing u and when u finally got married.
But I know if I were to make that move, I will face a lot of obstacles, objection or rejection from all fronts. Wonder if I am strong enough to go through it.
Can anybody share re proceedings of a divorce? How long will it take?how much time and attention required. Is it very drama for the kid? Anything at all about the details will be helpful. Thanks.
But I know if I were to make that move, I will face a lot of obstacles, objection or rejection from all fronts. Wonder if I am strong enough to go through it.
Can anybody share re proceedings of a divorce? How long will it take?how much time and attention required. Is it very drama for the kid? Anything at all about the details will be helpful. Thanks.
sadwife2009
New Member
Thanks, Margret. There is no adultery in my case, at least that is what I think now. It is just plain neglect and inddifferent attitude from him.My husband will fight for the custody of my son. He will not let go easily I know. Will that prolong the divorce proceedings?
Any lawyers to recommend?
Any lawyers to recommend?
yes, definitely he will fight, especially it's a boy.
What I know is that it's normally joint custody, what u are saying is the care and control. Kids young normally care and control given to the mother.
If you can prove he is not a good father or does not care for the welfare of the kid then care and control will be given to u.
What I know is that it's normally joint custody, what u are saying is the care and control. Kids young normally care and control given to the mother.
If you can prove he is not a good father or does not care for the welfare of the kid then care and control will be given to u.
sadwife2009, frz also told me to go ahead with the divorce to "make it clean". Likewise I am also contemplating it as well for the last few months.
The last time I spoke to a lawyer was last year in late Jul.
Yes, you can use "Communication Breakdown" as the reason for divorce. As in custody, why don't you consider joint custody? It is also good for your child as well.
The last time I spoke to a lawyer was last year in late Jul.
Yes, you can use "Communication Breakdown" as the reason for divorce. As in custody, why don't you consider joint custody? It is also good for your child as well.
sadwife2009
New Member
Have not spoken to lawyers yet. Joint custody means ?
wendy_reborn
Active Member
Kids are important, but i feel we should never drag them in when making decision for divorce. As many a times, if the marriage is already broken down, the kids will seen the ugly side of a unfaithful and irresponsible spouse and in the long term, it will affect them even more.
Hi Renee & SadWife,
How you gals now? Well, I'm going thru the same like yours. There's no love towards him anymore & no communication between us since the last 1yr plus. Had told him our problem but he doesn't seems to be bothered too much. Feeling very miserable each days eps. having to face him at home. It's really meaningless to have staying with someone there's no love but merely a kind of commimtment to a family. Thinking to have divorce but worried if I would be able to have the custody of my 18mths daughter.
Would like to hear more of your thoughts & planning to resolve this problem.
How you gals now? Well, I'm going thru the same like yours. There's no love towards him anymore & no communication between us since the last 1yr plus. Had told him our problem but he doesn't seems to be bothered too much. Feeling very miserable each days eps. having to face him at home. It's really meaningless to have staying with someone there's no love but merely a kind of commimtment to a family. Thinking to have divorce but worried if I would be able to have the custody of my 18mths daughter.
Would like to hear more of your thoughts & planning to resolve this problem.
sharon_ang
Member
care and control is the person making major decision, not joint custody
To all, I am in a similar boat.. would like to ask a few Qs ....
Q1 : must we go through 3 to 4 yrs of separation before filing for divorce? Anyway to file for divorce without separation? Mine is the typical neglect and emotional/verbal abuse case (though he is OK when he is in a good mood).
Q2 : HDB is still under loan though > 5 yrs. Must/should I continue to service the loan (its via CPF)?
Q3 : What is HDB's rules for flats owned by married couple who are separated/divorce? Are we only forced to sell after divorce is finalised?
Q4 : what are the housing options for a separated woman and 1 young child? Cannot buy new/resale from HDB during separation period? What about after divorce is finalised?
Q5 : is there any possibility of him transferring my ownership to one of his relatives who do not have a flat now? (though I don't want to live wit him I still want the cash when the place is sold)
Q6 : if i am the one that move out (since he will definitely not move out), is there anyway I can prevent his relatives from moving in or him to rent out the place?
Q7 : currently he is driving the family car but insurance in under my name. Should I cut that off (he will fly into a rage, trust me!)?
Q8 : what is the possible outcome of the custody as child is currently in cc? Can he get custody as his parents are not working (can claim that they will take care of the child though they have never done so)?
Q9 : some pp suggest keeping receipts of all child related expenditure. But how to when alot of things are paid in cash?
Q10 : what do u all suggest abt the child's insurance policy which is signed by both of us?
Q11 : I have some insurance under his name under SAF scheme. Anyone know how SAF treat separation/divorce case? Will they terminate the wife's part?
Q12 : how difficult is it to rent a room from outside? Will people usually reject cos young kids are quite noisy?
Q13 : since the father will most probably be granted access, under what circumstances will the judge declare supervised access where there will be one outsider watching over the father during visitations (my concern is that he will continue to shout at her whenever his mood is bad during those vistations)
Q14 : how to show 'evidence' of verbal/emotional abuse? Or is it not required?
Q15 : without the father's signature, how difficult is it for my child to go through the govt red tape, eg, application for primary school? (I am assuming the worst that he won't bother to sign documents etc once i ask for divorce)
Q16 : Will my child care subsidy as a working mother be revoked when i apply for separated or when the divorce went through?
Pls advise. thanks!
Q1 : must we go through 3 to 4 yrs of separation before filing for divorce? Anyway to file for divorce without separation? Mine is the typical neglect and emotional/verbal abuse case (though he is OK when he is in a good mood).
Q2 : HDB is still under loan though > 5 yrs. Must/should I continue to service the loan (its via CPF)?
Q3 : What is HDB's rules for flats owned by married couple who are separated/divorce? Are we only forced to sell after divorce is finalised?
Q4 : what are the housing options for a separated woman and 1 young child? Cannot buy new/resale from HDB during separation period? What about after divorce is finalised?
Q5 : is there any possibility of him transferring my ownership to one of his relatives who do not have a flat now? (though I don't want to live wit him I still want the cash when the place is sold)
Q6 : if i am the one that move out (since he will definitely not move out), is there anyway I can prevent his relatives from moving in or him to rent out the place?
Q7 : currently he is driving the family car but insurance in under my name. Should I cut that off (he will fly into a rage, trust me!)?
Q8 : what is the possible outcome of the custody as child is currently in cc? Can he get custody as his parents are not working (can claim that they will take care of the child though they have never done so)?
Q9 : some pp suggest keeping receipts of all child related expenditure. But how to when alot of things are paid in cash?
Q10 : what do u all suggest abt the child's insurance policy which is signed by both of us?
Q11 : I have some insurance under his name under SAF scheme. Anyone know how SAF treat separation/divorce case? Will they terminate the wife's part?
Q12 : how difficult is it to rent a room from outside? Will people usually reject cos young kids are quite noisy?
Q13 : since the father will most probably be granted access, under what circumstances will the judge declare supervised access where there will be one outsider watching over the father during visitations (my concern is that he will continue to shout at her whenever his mood is bad during those vistations)
Q14 : how to show 'evidence' of verbal/emotional abuse? Or is it not required?
Q15 : without the father's signature, how difficult is it for my child to go through the govt red tape, eg, application for primary school? (I am assuming the worst that he won't bother to sign documents etc once i ask for divorce)
Q16 : Will my child care subsidy as a working mother be revoked when i apply for separated or when the divorce went through?
Pls advise. thanks!
whiteclover
New Member
ilikepink, Mmm sounds like you and i have the same fate...
i tried to get evidence from his violence acts (eventhough he didnt lay a finger on me... at most he threw things at home before, after and during my pregnancy)for PPO, however i was told by lawyers and police that no evidence is required. We can file to court for PPO. Usually they will grant it to us.
And the day that you moved out of the house, you are already considered.. SEPARATED from your hubby.My Lawyer said that we can actually back-dated the Separation date since the day you left the house.However, it is hard to file for PPO since you already left the house..unless he came to harrass you in public or somewhere. ANd if needed (such as violence acts), you can report to police on the spot and file for PPO after police made a statement.
U can get free legal advice from PAP (bi-weekly-depend where you staying, based on the address printed on your NRIC).
i tried to get evidence from his violence acts (eventhough he didnt lay a finger on me... at most he threw things at home before, after and during my pregnancy)for PPO, however i was told by lawyers and police that no evidence is required. We can file to court for PPO. Usually they will grant it to us.
And the day that you moved out of the house, you are already considered.. SEPARATED from your hubby.My Lawyer said that we can actually back-dated the Separation date since the day you left the house.However, it is hard to file for PPO since you already left the house..unless he came to harrass you in public or somewhere. ANd if needed (such as violence acts), you can report to police on the spot and file for PPO after police made a statement.
U can get free legal advice from PAP (bi-weekly-depend where you staying, based on the address printed on your NRIC).
whiteclover
New Member
One more thing, diff lawyers will give diff advice.So you have to find a good lawyer that specialised in this area (family law).
it is better for us to seek legal advice.
it is better for us to seek legal advice.
whiteclover
New Member
relating to PPO, unless u are physically injured by hubby..the lawyer advised us to go for medi checkup on the injuries on that day and get PPO.
violence acts w/o injuries can also get PPO.
ilikepink, jia you!
violence acts w/o injuries can also get PPO.
ilikepink, jia you!
sadwife2009
New Member
thanks everyone for your kind advice.
i have yet to make any move towards divorce. procrastinating.... every time i want to make that move, i think about my son.
my problem is a little bit more complicated now, actually.
i tried to restore the family by suggesting a family trip. we went and came back and things got worse during the trip. i kicked up a big fuss when we came back and shifted back to my parent's place.
somehow, my husband could have realised that he was at fault or something. anyway, he tried to bring me back home. my parents also persuaded me to go back to my marital home. so, although not very willing, i went back.
since then, things were slightly better. he will help out with baby stuff. i could bear with the situation better, at least, i do not have to get his frustrated face, or him feigning ignorance, or getting sarcastic remarks, whenever help is needed re taking care of son.
BUT he still showed no care and concern towards me, towards me nothing has changed, still the indifferent attitude.
AND at the same time, i find myself thinking of my colleague more and more often. it could be due to the lack of care and concern from my husband, so much so that when someone comes along and show you some care and concern, i m so touched. feel stuck in this situation, i cannot move forward with him, neither can i stop myself from thinking about him.
sigh. story of my life.
i have yet to make any move towards divorce. procrastinating.... every time i want to make that move, i think about my son.
my problem is a little bit more complicated now, actually.
i tried to restore the family by suggesting a family trip. we went and came back and things got worse during the trip. i kicked up a big fuss when we came back and shifted back to my parent's place.
somehow, my husband could have realised that he was at fault or something. anyway, he tried to bring me back home. my parents also persuaded me to go back to my marital home. so, although not very willing, i went back.
since then, things were slightly better. he will help out with baby stuff. i could bear with the situation better, at least, i do not have to get his frustrated face, or him feigning ignorance, or getting sarcastic remarks, whenever help is needed re taking care of son.
BUT he still showed no care and concern towards me, towards me nothing has changed, still the indifferent attitude.
AND at the same time, i find myself thinking of my colleague more and more often. it could be due to the lack of care and concern from my husband, so much so that when someone comes along and show you some care and concern, i m so touched. feel stuck in this situation, i cannot move forward with him, neither can i stop myself from thinking about him.
sigh. story of my life.
sharon_ang
Member
yes care and concern have to come out from his heart, maybe drop some hints to him
sadwife2009
New Member
wat can i do?
i complained about excruciating pains around tummy area, went to see doc. told him about it. but he never mentioned a word, did not even ask me what did doc say. i think a friend would at least show some concern.
told him i cannot fetch son after work, never even ask me whether i am working or going to meet friends or anything at all.
told him i was going to take leave for a few days, he just said go ahead.
told him i was going to go for business trip, never even ask me when or where or anything.
sometimes talk to him, he will act like never hear me. I got to repeat myself several times before i got myself heard. and sometimes, i simply gave up
i complained about excruciating pains around tummy area, went to see doc. told him about it. but he never mentioned a word, did not even ask me what did doc say. i think a friend would at least show some concern.
told him i cannot fetch son after work, never even ask me whether i am working or going to meet friends or anything at all.
told him i was going to take leave for a few days, he just said go ahead.
told him i was going to go for business trip, never even ask me when or where or anything.
sometimes talk to him, he will act like never hear me. I got to repeat myself several times before i got myself heard. and sometimes, i simply gave up
sharon_ang
Member
maybe bring him to the movie or watch show at hm, then then hi how fortunate that the actress have such a caring and loving husband
sadwife2009
New Member
one thing i realised is i could be too reliant on someone showing me care and concern.
i have to learn to be independent. live and be happy, i have to learn to depend on myself and lesser on husband or anybody else. so that if i am without such person, i can still be happy.
anybody here already found the way? can help this poor soul here.
i have to learn to be independent. live and be happy, i have to learn to depend on myself and lesser on husband or anybody else. so that if i am without such person, i can still be happy.
anybody here already found the way? can help this poor soul here.
sadwife2009
New Member
anybody tried asking husband to go marriage counselling and was rejected? how to handle it from here? husband say the fault lies with me and therefore i should be going, alone.
there is no such thing the fault lies in one party. It's takes two to clap. Even if one of them did something wrong, he should be forgiven by the husband/wife.
There is no way for counselling to work if one party go. He is not going maybe because his men ego is high, he does not want to be accuse of the one to be in the wrong
There is no way for counselling to work if one party go. He is not going maybe because his men ego is high, he does not want to be accuse of the one to be in the wrong