Advice needed on childcare arrangement after divorce

S

sad_and_heartbroken

New Member
Hi, I am mother of a 9-yr old girl. My husband cheated. Wish to divorce but has childcare arrangement problem, cos I travelling frequently overseas for work. I have no one else to look after daughter, that's why have been trying to salvage marriage but the man is just heartless, don't think he will give up that shameless woman cos he keeps threatening to leave if I do anything to that shameless woman. Daughter will be alone at home. My mother is old already and thus don't have the heart to trouble her to look after daughter when I am overseas. 1 married sis stays far away and 1 unmarried sis always busy with work, also not staying nearby. Don't have maid but also don't feel safe leaving daughter alone with maid. Anyone has any suggestion? Thanks in advance.
 


Best suggestion IMO is to get a maid, put her with daughter and your mother. You are going to shift back home to your mother or are you looking for a place yourself. If you travel, best to have maid with an elderly around.
 
Linda
Thanks for your fast advice. Have thought of that but don't think it is feasible. If divorce, I hope to stay put at current house as don't wish to have too many changes for my young daughter to bear. It will be too harsh for her to have no father and have to make new friends in school and student care. Also, my mum does not like staying in others' place including my house and also don't like a maid at her house. That's why I am in a fix now and have endured and tried v hard for last 3 months to salvage my marriage but he still wants to keep that shameless woman. My husband said I care more for daughter and neglected him, that's why he looks for another woman. Men are all the same, all so heartless.
 
Don't be affected by what your hubby said that caused him to have the affair. All are just excuses.... Once they wish to do it, anything can become the cause to their poor heart and soul to look for comfort elsewhere.

I really hope you do take into consideration to hire a maid to take care of your gal. Stay with your mum if possible. Leave the kid and the maid together with your mum to feel more at ease. Kids are very adaptable. Try it if possible. I guess, your mum will understand why there's need for maid if you really sit down and talk to her. Own mother will definitely not leave you in lurch. All the best to you.
 
Hi sad and heartbroken,

It's sad to read your posts... One of the things that hurt the most is the betrayal of a spouse.

Something has to give, you know. As mothers, we have to do the best for our kids in any given situation. You may have to make changes to your career such that you dont travel so much. At least for the time being?

DOes your girl's school has after school/before school care services? I think you should consider enrolling your girl into such programme if there is.

If you are not comfortable with having a maid (like me), get a part time domestic cleaner to help with the chores.

Sometimes, we have to think in perspective. Which is worse - having no father or having a bad father?

My family and marriage is in tact but I too, have to make changes to my life in the best consideration for my kid. Looking at your situation, married sister far away/single sister busy/mum prefer not to relocate/you dont want too much changes to your daughter's life, I think you are the only variable left in the equation who can make a difference (unless your hubby changes his mind and want to mend the marriage).

Kids have amazing endurance and understanding. They do adapt to changes, most of the time at much faster speed and much better than we parents think. At this stage, the focus should be doing your best to shield your girl from any potential unhappiness that may scar her for life. Whatever damage that can't be prevented, needed to be cushioned as much as possible. For this, your hubby has a part to play too. To put it crudely, he may stop loving you but he is still the father of this girl and therefore, has a part to play in nurturing this little girl (and that, includes the girl's emotional wellbeing).

All the above being said, is in the context of die die you want divorce. But really, what is going to hurt your daughter the most is yours/your hubby's decision to divorce. Parents are the bedrock of a child's world. What can shake their safe world as hard as their own parents splitting up (maybe only the death of a parent)? It's in your girl's interest that you and your hubby do your best to salvage this marriage (even if it's a shell). You both can stop loving each other but the world doesn't evolve around just 2 of you. There is still a little but important person... someone who is the most helpless in this situation...someone who is most often left out of the decision making process but nonetheless as affected (if not more than either of the parents)...
 
Thanks for everyone's kind words. I know my 1st priority is my daughter, so I tried to endure him for 3 months already and tried to spend more time with him (since he complained I neglected him that's why he looks for other woman). But he still will not give her up and that shameless woman still has face to stay in his office (he is her boss) even though I called and SMS her to leave him. After I scolded her, he still has the face to call her in front of me and consoled her and said I am so always so mean. Then what? Should I be kind and sweet to this type of shameless woman, knowing he has wife and kid still go to bed with him, some more only 25 yrs unmarried woman dare to go to Geylang hotels with my 42 yrs old husband. My husband even said how he wished we 2 can be sisters. He don't want to give up any of us. Even if he is like that, I tried to endure his unkind words just for the sake of my daughter, but no use. I really don't wish to divorce, but I think even I continue enduring will be of no use. But my biggest headache is who to look after my daughter when I am overseas? At my age, hard to change job also new job without travelling may result in drastic pay cut, which will worsen the situation since after divorce, I will be the only one supporting my daughter.

I told my husband he is not fit to be a father, so if we divorce, I will fight so that he cannot see her. Is this possible?

My daughter does go to student care after school and has a no. of enrichment classes outside. That's why big headache for me, that's why have tried to endure hopefully he at least has heart for his daughter, but he cares more for that shameless woman, always threaten to leave if I call her to scold her. If even husband of 20 yrs can't be trusted, I don't think I can trust maids after hearing so many maid abusing kids cases. My mum is really really uncomfortable with maids too.

V v depressed and disappointed with men. My neighbour's husband is like that, my husband's brother also like that. Why men are like that? If they like to change women so much, why they bother to marry and be tied down to a family and now create more problems for the wife?
 
My husband is extremely timid. Dare to have sex with her in Geylang hotels don't know how many times, don't dare to face the music. I tried to salvage the marriage so asked him to go for marriage counselling. He said he is busy. After trying for 3 months see no hope, tell him I agree to divorce since he refused to give up her. He does not do anything. He just wants to stay put status quo and have the family plus that shameless woman. I cannot endure this, I don't understand why that shameless woman can endure this. I told him if she can endure her man having 2 women, she must be after his money / just want sex only and don't care for anything. She is only a lowly educated woman from Pontian, my husband must be happy just to pay her S$1,800 salary and can enjoy free sex with her. She even has face to complain to my husband I scolded her cheap. Her voice is extremely 嗲 type which I guess men like this type of woman.

Anyone knows is it easy to go to Pontian in Johor? I told 2 of them I wanted to go to her parents' house in Pontian to tell her parents how shameless their daughter is hopefully her parents can stop her, but not sure whether is it easy to go there.

Never believe in men again! No wonder marriage rate is reducing and divorce rate is increasing everywhere.

Not to be mean, but men out there, why are so many men are so heartless? I will agree I am no good if I have affair myself and neglected my husband, but all I did was spend more time with daughter and neglected husband and get this type of treatment. I travel frequently for work, so when back, of course I spend more time with daughter especially I can coach my daughter in her study. My husband cannot teach her, whenever he teaches her, they sure end up quarrelling and daughter crying. When I teach her spelling, she can get 10/10, when husband teaches her spelling, she can get 2/10. So what choice do I have. I have to travel for work, take care of daughter and do housework when back in S'pore, so naturally I have no time for husband. He said I don't care and concern for him, that woman cares and concerns for him. Why men so selfish? Only think of they need love and don't think of the wife is so busy and tired after handling so many things?

I am chasing him to sack that woman, he keeps giving excuses and said give her time to find job. 3 months already and yet a lowly paid clerk can't find a job? Should anyone of you know of a 25 year old woman from Pontian living in Bedok with v poor academic results looking for job in your husband's company, please be aware. She might be out to hook another man able to give her money/sex in case my husband really leaves her, that's why take so long to look for job. Let me know if you want to know her name in case she tries to hook your husband, I can private message you.

My husband keeps saying I am mean. But for this type of woman, can I not be mean to her? She destroyed my family and made my daughter so sad. My daughter already knows of this type of father she has.
 
sad and heartbroken,

if u do not trust a maid, maybe u can find one of those auntie who does bbsitting around ur neighbourhood. But she must be willing to bring ur child to enrichment and let her stay overnight at her place when u travel (while u slowly find another job). Of course, question is.. will u trust her too?
 
Hi iLikePink
Don't know how to trust strangers now when even husband of 20 yrs can betray. Actually thought of some close friends staying nearby, but they have their family schedules to attend too, considering nowaday many children have many outside enrichment to attend.

Maybe I should start looking for job that don't travel. But I still linger hope that my husband will want the family for the sake of my young daughter, I don't really care he loves me or not as long as he loves my daughter. But hope is getting slimmer as day passes. He has loads of excuses for keeping that slut as he has a lot of work to do in office and need her to help. Just excuses only, she is so lowly educated with so poor results, what can she do?
 
HI Sad & hearbroken,

I guess u hv to really decide wat's the best solution. Being a single mum is nvr easy and u also hv to take into consideration of yr age, changing job is not so ideal. Job security is the most impt thing now! U hv to make sure tat u hv job in order to take care of yr gal.

Can understand that yr gal is most important to u now! Definitely u want her to get best of everything.

My suggestion is such, u get a maid and put yr gal to stay with yr mum. If can, move to stay with yr mum is the best! Yr mum can help to supervise yr maid and there will be less changes to yr gal. Whether u travel or not, yr gal will still b permanantly staying at yr mum's place. Also, is gd for yr gal to bond wif yr mum. At least she can feel 1 more ppl that love and care for her. Get a maid just to take care of yr gal, guide her on school work, play wif her, accompany her. Tell the maid that her maintask is to take care of her and does housework only when yr gal is not around. Close 1 eye on hsework.
 
Hi Clubby fishes
Yes, my gal is always and will forever be my top priority. If not, I would have agreed to divorce 3 mths ago, without my gal, no point sticking to heartless man who is so selfish think of only himself. Will try to change job to one that don't travel, just worried about job stability. My gal can't communicate with my mum at all. My mum speaks Hokkien and my gal doesn't understand at all. That's the problem. Putting 2 of themselves together especially when I am away is like chicken talking to duck. Also I don't want so much changes for her to cope including changing her school and student care. If not, she has to cope with no father, new home, new school, new friends. Yes, I know kids are easily adaptable but I really don't wish to rob her of all her happy things. I already can't give her a father, so to rob her of her friends in schools and student care will be too much for her to bear. I acknowledge I am not a good wife, but I am definitely a good mum. I care too much for my daughter that's why end up neglecting husband.

Will try to look for new job. V sad to leave my company I work for 13 years.
 
hi sad n heartbroken,
where do u stay? i'm @ yew tee area, just offering if u do need help cos my maid is very free at home cos my 2 kids goes to childcare during the day.so my maid is free.i'm going thru divorce,going to finalize, extreme sad n hurt cos he chose her instead of us.
 
<u>Hi Sad and heartbroken</u>
Reading through another of your posting, I began to realise, that the affair might not really had happened just cos of selfishness from your husband end. One issue I'd noted is that you claimed that you travel frequently, and when you are back, your time is 100% consumed by your gal. Think back, how about your man? Having gone through the 'being cheated on' by my husband personally, I began to understand men much better.

Being a '泼妇' towards the other woman, you are bringing out the vulnerability from the other woman, and the sympathy from your husband. This makes them bond even greater. Generally, it seemed that I can see the way you handle your family life, the way you handle everything, is as if telling your husband, you can actually do without him. Right from the part where you can even pin point on his teaching towards your daughter and what kind of result can your daughter obtain from his teaching. Honestly saying, this sort of behavior from a wife, is very suffocating towards a husband.

A man wants to feel great. They want to feel that they are needed, they want to feel they are wanted. It's their ego.... You might be capable, but did you stroke his ego enough to make him feel tat he must come back to you. He must take up the responsibility to take care of you? That you need his protection?

Please think it through. And try to salvage your marriage in another way. By scolding that woman, by telling her parents what she did, won't help much in your salvaging of your marriage. It pushes your husband away more..... Understand your husband further, and deal with him on his softest spot. And stand tall, be proud, you are still his legally and openly acknowledged spouse. While she is the in-the-dark lover. By granting divorce to your husband, you are giving them opportunity to be together! Be smart, even if there is no longer love anymore, hang on to the marriage and let her always remain in the dark.... cannot be seen by public, cannot be acknowledged by all. There are many ways to handle such situation. Hope you can divert arguments and shouting match towards that woman away. If you want to chat more, feel free to email me. I can share with you how I deal with my husband's infidelity. Free yourself.. stand tall... and never punish yourself for the hurt inflicted from them.
happy.gif


Good luck!
 
Hi Caterpilly
Thanks for your advice. I do understand that men do have their ego. But my point is don't you feel dirty if you know your men is still sleeping with another woman, even if you are his legal wife and the other woman is always the dark lover?

I accept your point if my husband does share my loads of so many so many things. But he didn't. He only looks after (not takes care) of my gal when I am overseas, but being a full-time working mum plus need frequent travelling, I am overloaded with so much work to the extent of no social life.

When he feels down, he goes out to look for friends and even has time to woo a woman to bed. But don't women so stressed up with so many hats to wear need solace as well? If your man is always on the phone chatting into the middle of the nights (which later he admitted was talking to that woman), and always tells you he needs to OT but back only after 12 am (which later he admitted was out with that woman), how will you feel?
 
<u>Hi sad and heartbroken</u>
You really have to ask youself. What do you wish to bring out of those confrontations? What's your direction now?

From your end, I totally understand that, yes... you are also working to earn for the family. You are a full time working mum and you still have to bear the responsibility of taking care of the household fully. He do not share the full load of the stuff at home. I'm only asking.... Have you really done your part as a wife that makes him feel like coming home?

As much as many ladies currently wants to make it a point that the world has already changed. And it's no longer that men are the sole breadwinner to the family and women and men are of equal status right now. However, I can tell you... It's still not. We are not of equal standing to men as yet. And definitely most importantly, Women are from Venus, and men are from Mars.

I personally have a SIL, whom is a very very very smart lady. She is the brain behind my brother's company. Both she and my brother are very successful entrepreneur. I would say, the brain is her, the hardwork belongs to my brother. One thing I salute her is, even though it's known to everyone that she sets the direction for the company, she never ever portray it out that she's superior. She has loads of work everyday, but she pushes my brother to the limelight. Allowing him to bask in the glory of all admiring glances. While, she... at the background, continue to support him silently. Not only in the office, also at home. Her kids are tended by her personally when she's back from work. Their homework, their extra curriculum.... Everything. While my brother is busy flying everywhere to do his business. Never once, my SIL suspected him. Nor does she check on him 3 times a day while he's away. You think temptations are not around? My brother ever told me. The ladies in China, are so so so pretty and knows how to stroke men's ego well. So does ladies from Taiwan, Korea as well as Malaysia. But, does he want to stray? I got a very firm reply, from him, saying, 'I have a very capable and understanding wife at home. She does everything she can as a wife. I feel very man in front of her. She already gave me everything that I wanted from a woman. What for give up a forest for just a piece of candy?'

I can tell you, the moment my SIL and brother stepped into their office, she will go about setting up his computer, his drinks and his necessary documents for him. WHile my brother will tend to his 'personal' business. He just have to sit down, and start work. When they went home, my brother just have to relax and play with the dogs and his children, while my SIL once again, bring out a cup of drinks for him, set his clothes out for him to shower. And while he shower, dinner is set out for him. Of course, dinner is cooked by maid due to their very busy schedule. But, the point is, she still bother to make him feel like a King. After everybody is settled in for the night, she's back down in the kitchen to prepare either bird nest or other tonic for him, so that he can have it in the morning.

Similarly to everyone else everywhere. Both husband and wife are actually working together, to build a better life. Even though not many are as blessed as my brother and SIL, to be able to work together. Still, they do have their separation moments. Still, the fact is my SIL is the brain to the company. But does she want to take in all credit to herself? And make my brother feel so little? That is how she stroked his ego.... I hope the above story does tell alot to you. My SIL's time is fixed... office and home. Social life? Forget it.

Well, as for your last paragraph, allow me to indulge you.

My husband took his first step to talk alot to that woman. Because he feels stress. He took his second step by travelling from west to east every single day just to surprise her, waiting for her downstairs her hoe. Because he feels stress. He brings her to many Japanese restaurants for their dinner while my dinner with him is at hawker centre. Because he feels stress. He brings her to Thailand for a 4 days 3 night trip? Because he feels stress. After I discover the affair right at the airport when they returned, he still continued seeing her? Because he feels stress.... After we ML and he can just take his phone and walk out of the house to the stairway to talk to her on the phone? Because he feels stress. He needs to work OT but to realize that he already arranged to bring her shopping on Monday? Because he feels stressed. We just purchased a new car, and the day he collected his car, he brought her out for a spin and a nice cozy dinner? Because he feels stress. Got it? Men used stress only as an excuse! It's not because they are really stress! It's EXCUSE!

I had experienced no less terrible stuff than you. It's just that I know and already set my direction on how should I proceed with my marriage and worked towards it. Thus, I shall not look back and hate him for it.

Hope you got my point... and start to plan out the route you want to take for your marriage. Stop taking out women's ego into the picture if you want him back. It'll definitely never work for him. It's from what I observed.

Hope things will go well for you.
happy.gif
 
Hi Caterpilly
Can't confront as that heartless man threatened to leave or die if I confront. Thus feels helpless, can't do anything, just have 1 day, pass 1 day. Wanted to divorce but can't because of daughter. Don't know how long this can last, probably one fine day will still be divorce. So have to prepare for such day to come.

As what you said, men have lots of excuses for their mistakes. Always said stress and busy, as if only the men have stress and busy. If they are so stressed and busy, why bother to look for additional stress and got themselves busier by having a mistress? Don't understand.

Don't agree women have to give in to men. Why women must attend to men's needs but men never care about women's needs, just treat doing housework, taking care of children are women's undisputed duties? I agree so if women are full-time housewives but certainly not in today's world.

Whether I want my marriage? Don't know. Don't feel like it since his heart is not with me, but have to endure for the sake of daughter. Just don't understand why women can endure for the sake of children, but men only think of themselves and can go out to the company of other women.

My biggest regret in this life will be to marry. If there is a chance to repeat life, I will rather remain single. Men are different before and after marriage.
 
sad and heartbroken,

Do remember tat we changed too before and after marriage. before, most of our bad habit are not know to the man....but after marriage, all are out.

then before marriage, the man is all we care abt. after marriage, we got the financial and housework on our mind and the man are no longe the only one impt things on our mind. then when we hv kids, our focus are alway on our kids, and thus neglected the man, who strangely wanted to be treat as a man and yet at times behave like a kid.

all changes are also indirectly or directly contribute to their changes. coz we no longer hv time like we used to have to listen to him. we rather ask him to spend time as a family wif out kids then to hv our own couple time. we fall asleeep after our kids sleep and no longer fall asleep with him together.

thus in a way, the man hv a void in this heart....and at times it just happen tat she came along and fill tat void.

ask urself, did you not change before and after marriage? do you still spend as much time wif him even after your gal are born?

I can only tell u, the more u do to harm the gal, the more he feel he owe her and the more protective he will get. It just pushes him to her. to him, he already feel he let her down as he is unable to gif her a rightful status, and with all the scolding ur given to her, he feel tat she is so pitiful all becoz of him. and on the other hand, u seem to prove to him tat u are stronger and do not required his protection like she does. and man being a strange animal will tend to choose to protect the weaker one so as to booast their ego.

thus, like wat Caterpilly say, think what u wan first before u react...if u are fix on divorce then u dun even need to think of ways to win him back. if nt, u hv to think why did he change? did you contribute indirectly or directly to his changes? what she have and u dont have? can u do wat she do for him? wat is holding him back from asking for divorce? does he still hv feelings for u and ur gal? etc...
 
Hi Diana
Yes, all of us change, but most of the time, it is the men's hearts which change, seldom the women's heart, isn't it obvious from the so many stories in this forum? If not, why do we have so many broken women's hearts in this forum? Did men forget the vow they have taken?

I saw in this forum some men admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. My husband up till today never admits his mistakes and more like I am begging him to stay for the sake of my daughter. No matter what caused him to have mistress, the greatest wrong up to today is he got involved with her without thinking of consequences and had said he wanted both of us. How childish is he! Wanted to be a man and yet dare not be a man to admit mistake and face the music. This is what I am v disappointed with. How to respect a husband like that? And he dared say that shameless woman didn't harm me, and asked me not to harm her. Would I hurt so much if she didn't harm me? Harm not necessarily mean physical harm, betrayal is the one of the greatest harm for one to bear.

No matter what, I hate the shameless woman forever, for being shameless. Why destroy other people's family? I will pity her if she gets involved without knowing he is married. But no, this woman knew all along he is married with kid and still stepped into it. Why go to bed with other people's husband and other people's father? And she still acted pitiful and surprised why my husband wanted to break up with her (when I forced him to). Didn't she think what is it like if her husband betrays her? Yes, I will not confront her but I will wish the worst in life and marriage will bestow upon her, for destroying people's family and making my daughter so sad!
 
Hi Diana
Yes, all of us change, but most of the time, it is the men's hearts which change, seldom the women's heart, isn't it obvious from the so many stories in this forum? If not, why do we have so many broken women's hearts in this forum? Did men forget the vow they have taken?

I saw in this forum some men admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. My husband up till today never admits his mistakes and more like I am begging him to stay for the sake of my daughter. No matter what caused him to have mistress, the greatest wrong up to today is he got involved with her without thinking of consequences and had said he wanted both of us. How childish is he! Wanted to be a man and yet dare not be a man to admit mistake and face the music. This is what I am v disappointed with. How to respect a husband like that? And he dared say that shameless woman didn't harm me, and asked me not to harm her. Would I hurt so much if she didn't harm me? Harm not necessarily mean physical harm, betrayal is the one of the greatest harm for one to bear.

No matter what, I hate the shameless woman forever, for being shameless. Why destroy other people's family? I will pity her if she gets involved without knowing he is married. But no, this woman knew all along he is married with kid and still stepped into it. Why go to bed with other people's husband and other people's father? And she still acted pitiful and surprised why my husband wanted to break up with her (when I forced him to). Didn't she think what is it like if her husband betrays her? Yes, I will not confront her but I will wish the worst in life and marriage will bestow upon her, for destroying people's family and making my daughter so sad!
 
hi
some time woman outside is like tat i am a divorce with a five yr old son... facing divorce at that time i was lost... not just one bomb in my life again i facing another problem five yr later...
dont just said about my sad story to you

now is the promise that a man made for responsibility is a very big burden to them...
and they alway said he is cant make decision to choose who is good...

but pushing you away and said hurtful word is the first thing he wil want to do now if he no longer have the heart for you regardless you have kid or not...

to them they only said as long as got feel they can just go ahead not like we woman got to take care of the kid and home and bring hm cash and still take care of they need then who take care of our need and help

guy are selfish, and other woman is slut even do they know you have a family and they still want to go into it ...so stand firm and tell youself dont lost to them if you really want to hold on your marriage

unless you ask yourself are you going to be happy after your divorced?

or are you going to leave with it for another 20 yr down the road??

with hurt and pain and unwanted even do your hubby at hm but dont even bother to do what a father or husband to be?

actually to tell you my story is even worst... i hope to help you.. if you really want someone to talk to can just email me at [email protected]
 
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