! Tolerating him for the past 6 years !!

T

tiniangle

New Member
I am married for 7 years with a daughter 4 years old. The actual reason that brought us to this marriage is playful.. At that time when i was still young, 23 years old, i came to know my hubby and he is someone that need companion every night.. but my mum is very strict to me.. She wont let me stay late outside.

And one day, my hubby suggested, why not we get married!! And your mum would not be able to control you anymore... At that time, when he suggested this idea, we have only dated each other for 6 months.. and eventually, i agree with his idea because of playfulness..

When i mentioned to my mum that time that i want to get married with my hubby, my mum objected this marriage.. cos she do not like him and she thinks that he would not be able to provide me a good life.. But as that time, i was still young.. LOVE IS BLIND!!! I insisted that i want to marry this guy...

No choice, my mum agreed unwillingly.. When i get to know my hubby, i knew that he is someone with a very bad and hot temper..do not earn alot of money... but at that time, i just dont mind (cos i thought people may change as they grows older and i did not think of he cant feed me in the future)..

Finally, we managed to get married.. and with his hot temper, he has not been giving me security at all for the past 7 years... he has been talking to me with attitude.. quarrel with me over a small major matter.. and i just tolerate with his nonsense and dare not quarrel back with him..

He do not pay for my daughter's school fees, his mother allowance and our bank debts.. he only pays for the motorcycle installment and utilities... and lastly.. his BEER.. He is someone that needs BEER everyday.. and without it, he cant sleep..

I have been tolerating with him for the past years and finally he has reach my tolerating level.. i cant tahan with him anymore.. cos i feel that he is not acting like a guy.. even when wanna go for better food.. he will say, you pay ah.. i am not paying..

Maybe i can say that as i grow older, the needs and wants are different.. My hubby is unable to provide what i want and he just cant share the liabilities burden with me at all.. i earn much more than him and it seems like i am the one supporting the family and not him.. can say that i am starting to dispise on him..

Can you live with someone that cant lives without beer..

Finally, i have make up my mind to leave him, but he just dont want.. he say he will change his temper and try to kick off his beer.. but now, he is still drinking..

And one more thing is, i no longer love him, can tell me how to live with him longer..
 


Hi Evelyn,
You sound like me 18 years ago. But u know wat the day i stopped looking at him and looked after myself he changed a little. Its no easy road but it took me many years to tell him he had to change or oneday he will be sleeping alone on his King size bed. I stopped nagging him and now my daughter does it for me and he is a changed man. Man will never change for u but they will change for themselves. I was blessed also that he traveled a bit so i was alone too. But when he was home i couldn't sleep well cos he would call me 10 times at night and abuse me over the phone. But thank God its the pass now and i'm glad i didn't give up but I am still watchful cos i never know....as he still has to win back my trust.
So the best thing I feel u can do is look after ur little girl and urself and if he gets worse get out. I promised myself if he ever laied a finger on my little girl or me, i would be out of here so fast, and he knows it. So do take care and if u need a friend do email me.
 
Hi Eliz,

But at that time, do u still loves him?

For me, I don't love him anymore and I really can't forget how he treats me for the past 7 years.. I ever together with my gal went over to stay at my mum place for 2 weeks, and i am happy there, I don't miss him at all.. Is it I have already given up on him?

And also I am unable to bring myself to stay with a guy that is unable to support me n the family.. And also a everyday drinker.. Every women would want to lead a better of good life when married, but I didnt manage to have it if I am with him.. But I am sure I can give myself a good life without him.. Because, I do not need to pay debts for him anymore..
 
I understand where u are coming from and it hurts bad, but every step u take next must be planned out. Love has to be tough here and thats wat i did. R u paying his debts? I hope u dont mind but it is better if u pm me. So do take care.
 
Hi Evelyn..
i think your husband is addicted to beer drinking thats why he cannot stop.. From the way i read your post, it seems like you already know what you want for this marriage and pretty sure of your own feelings that you dont love him anymore.

If you have really decided, then go for it and dont look back. I am not trying to encourage you to go against your marriage or anything but, if you are unhappy with your life and what he is giving you, why hang on to it?? We are not like olden days whereby we Women stay home look after kids, housework etc, and man bring the bacon home.. NOW, like what i tell my hubby also - we women also help bring the bacon home, unless you can support me and family, if not dont tell me about women should do housework, should look after family, should listen to husband, etc, etc..

You have grown up from 7 yrs ago and its obvious that your demands and aspirations are different and you dare to expect to live the life you want..

To Bebe also.. i ever tell my hubby this (before we get married, we also always quarrel) = if you cant add value to my life, then get out of my life.. I dont need you!!

Again, your husband is who u selected, so you are the only one who can make a decision, and after you make a decision, dont regret it if that decision is meant to make you happier.. But of cos now with a family, you have to consider properly about your kids (who to follow in future, living & educating him/her in a single parent household, etc etc)..

I know of a friend her husband betrayed her, she had strong tots about divorcing him initially and we supported her cos her husband is an irritating MCP but eventually, she decided to give her husband a chance becos of her kid on the condition that her husband is willing to change.. so i think it takes two hands to clap in a marriage, no one party should always be giving and giving..

Jia YOu and be happy!! =)
 
Hi bebe,

Looks like what u are encountering now is almost the same as me.. So I understand how u feel.. It's really very tiring to think of money money money.. That is why I really have the thinking of letting go.. Cos I know I can give myself what I want..

Hi kittiepp,

U totally understands how I am feeling and the words u said just my point.. Now is.. I have been telling my hubby i want to be alone.. Let me go.. But he just don't want to let me go.. And say he will change his temper.. But now it's not just temper issue.. There is 2 more issue... I don't love him anymore and also money problem.. He is unable to give me the life that I want..

How should I ask him to let me go???
 
@Evelyn,
did you try talking to your mom about this..? i think you should consider if its worth giving him a chance if he is really willing to change and of cos you must understand it takes time to re-build the relationship.. However if you are very sure that you no longer love him and no matter how he change you wont feel anything, then also no point considering this option.

Maybe you can try talking to him, have a heart to heart talk and tell you how tired you feel about him and the r/s.. but you must remember your 4 yo girl, to nicely explain to her as afteral this should have minimal impact on her if possible..

One more thing is you mentioned he is very bad temper and likes to drink, so you may want to be more careful when approaching the subject if you want to talk to him, maybe send your girl to your mums place first and let ur mum know that this issue is happening so she knows whats going on..


@Bebe,
you may also want to consider have a nice talk with your husband, like why is he not contributing to the family, if he knows the problem and is willing to change to try to chip in n support the family within his means, will you still give him a chance to build the family together?

Maybe in your heart you keep thinking: if not because of you, i will be having a better life and all my savings that i deserve. But who knows what will happen, have you forgotten how you n him decided to start a family (i.e. what made you marry him? its love and happiness that you think he can give you..)

Please dont continue to be sadden by your problems, as all these stress and pressure can eat into you.. Savings you can slowly build up again, most imptly you have ur 2 kids that you live for..

Think about those women who suffered their marriage and husband for years, until their kids are in 30s+ and they themselves are in 50s++.. there's nowhere they can go, nothing they can do.. At least nowadays modern women are more educated and can take care of ourselves, so be strong!!

Take good care yah!
 
Hi Evelyn,

I sympathy with your marriage problem with your hubby. I can understand how miserable you are. If you really feel no love for him, then leave him for good and move on with your life.

I am married to my hubby for almost 5 years now. I earned much more than him. I do have to pay most of our monthly expenses. Guess I'm slightly lucky than you coz my hubby still give me monthly $$ even it's not much. Well, we woman have to be everything in a marriage. But love is blind, be a little patience about everything will make us a happier wifey/mother each day.

Take care!
 
Hi Evelyn

I was in similiar situation. Dated my now-hubby for 4 years before marrying him and now its our 4th year into marriage.

Right at the beginning, we know that:
- i earn much more
- we both haf a bad temper. but over the years, i seem to haf mellowed down. maybe cos of motherhood or maybe cos im getting more immune to the way things are, sometimes i just cant be bothered
- i accepted him for what he is - no education, and a gambler (i was naive to believe he will change for the better but he did not), and you are right, love is blind

During our dating days, i haf:
- helped him cleared so much gambling debts
- been paying for most of our expenses

Against all odds, i marry him. Today, he is still gambling but i have stopped bailing him out of his debts already. But im still paying for most of the expenses. Like you, im v tired. All these $ aside, sometimes i dun mind to be the one shouldering them but his attitude sucks big time..when good mood that time, attitude is like dating days - sweet. when foul mood that time, snap at the slightest thing, like ridiculous hoo-haa from the mess my fallen hair dropped! he is also a beer-xiao and has cut down tremendously...maybe now he has another avenue to down his sorrows/frustrations - paid sex outside, which i jus discovered..

like u, maybe im starting to despise him. am starting to tink that he is a real loser.

hang on in there, girl....divorce is also in my cards....

pm mi if u need to rant more...
 
I am the same here today, he is still gambling and I m still paying for most of the expenses and his attitude sucks big time.
When he is in good mood, attitude is like dating days - sweet. When he is in foul mood, he snap at the slightest thing. He is also a beer-xiao.

Divorce is also my card but because I have 2 kids and I do not want to give them a broken home so I tolerated. I carried this sadness myself.
 
I don’t know if I’m valued at all.

Last year, he forgotten my birthday coz it was two days after we shifted to the new house. He said next year he will compensate to me.

This year, he treated his parents to $200+ dinner a few days before my birthday and then later on when I asked him where is my birthday present or ‘celebration’ he said he didn’t have the budget to give me anything but promise he will ‘compensate’ me in future.

It is like no one in the world care if I existed to want to be bothered about celebrating my birthday. Even if it is 3 pieces of ferro rocher chocolate and I will also be happy with it. But there was nothing.

Till date, I have $50000 bank debts because I used these money to lend it to him to pay off his losses in casino gambling and stocks and shares. He himself has $150000 bank debts.

Everytime he borrows, he promised to return very soon. Usually borrow 5k return 2k, then 3k takes forever… so overtime it snowballed to 50k over the past few years.

I have been wanting to break up, but he said he won’t return my money if I did. So I stayed on. We enjoy going out, dining, movies, traveling, etc.

But every week, we will have something to quarrel. Something small, and insignificant, but we will end up shouting, and him cursing me, cursing my health, cursing I will never find a good man and end up with a terrible man, cursing my family health, threatening not to return my money…

But after a few hours, we will become normal again. We talk and promise each other it will not happen again. He will tell me how much he loves me and how he will be nice to me if I can stop being so bad-tempered. He wants to be nice to me, but I will have to do it first.

And when he is happy, he is nice and listens to me and do things my way.

But when he is not happy about me after we quarrel, all sorts of nasty comments come out of his mouth and he will do things deliberately to irritate me, upset me, he will turn all the ‘secrets’ and bottom of my heart feelings I’ve told him and make sarcastic remarks and make fun of me, and he will say things like why my family turns out to be like this and has misfortunes is because of my bad karma… he can even say nasty things about my nephew and niece and siblings and curse them even though they have done nothing to offend him



But in ordered to ‘recover’ my money, I stayed in the relationship. We applied for a flat and got it. I really like the house but wanted to back out because I know I will have to get married in order to get the house. We quarreled over this many times and he said he will curse me and my family and create trouble for my family if I back out from the house.

So we got the house and got married… for one year now.

We had an argument and stop talking for a few days now.

I’m thinking of divorce. But there will be financial losses on the house so he won’t agree and I don’t want to have further financial losses as well. I’m hoping that even if he don’t return my 50k, I still can get it back from the proceeds of the house. Which means I will have to live like this for the next four years, being a ‘room mate’ on the same bed, hopefully I can recover the money, sell the house and earn some money and move on.

Some of the stupid things we quarrel:

1) I didn’t want to ride the rollercoaster with him and told him many times, which he thought I was joking, and when he realized I was serious, he made a big fuss out of it because he didn’t want to be seen as alone in the queue, so we quarreled. He shouted at me in the theme park, use ‘ah beng’ kind of attitude and gesture to lecture me

2) while doing laundry, one of his sock dropped behind the washing machine, so when he was folding his clothes, he realized that and came to me angrily why I didn’t do a good job and why I was so careless and insisted that I should stop my own laundry and dig the load to see if his sock was there…

3) cooked him dinner but didn’t cover the dishes up and left them on the table, so when he came back and saw the dishes, he scolded me and made a big fuss

4) usually I’m the one mopping and vacuuming the floor, and every day he will pick his nose and flick the dirt onto the ground without thinking, constant picking of nose while watching tv and he feels that is ok, but when he sees that after a few days of not vacuuming the floor, my hair are all over the floor, he will be angry at me for not doing my part

And many times during our traveling, we will end up quarrelling and go our separate ways, then after a while he realizes he didn’t want to be alone and will find him and tell me to listen to him or he will make my life super miserable and create trouble for me and my family if I didn’t go his way… so he will tell me that now that he has cooled down and talked to me first, I should not bear grudges, and he will tell me that I’m the one not putting in efforts to make things way and I’m the one making trouble for him


Furthermore, we only had sex three times in the past one year. Before marriage, it was also just a few times a year because I don’t really like the idea of premarital sex. I didn’t know this will become a permanent thing. He said he wanted to have kids with me in future but I don’t see it possible. It may or may not be a good thing to have so little sex, at least for now, I don’t have to be forced to do one more thing that I don’t enjoy because I don’t feel love by him at all. But I do want to feel love and appreciated and have a normal relationship and sex life like other couples. He always tell me that there are couples who are worse than us whereby the husband won’t listen to the wife at all, won’t do nice things at all, etc and that at least he does it some times, and when we travel to enjoy the luxury things we really have lived it all, etc

I’m thinking of keeping low for the next 4 years and then sell the house, split the money, divorce him…

I know it is so stupid not to move on, and I have already wasted my all my 20s on a lousy relationship and now I'm waiting until mid 30s before I can finally be free...

But what will I become when I'm finally free? Will I be able to find a good man and get married and stay happily ever after?
 
i need some advice and opinions...

what are the things that ladies look for in their men, relationship and marriage?

i don't know if i'm asking too much...


there are good times and happy things that he does for me
1) he cooks and cuts fruits, brings me drinks whenever i request
2) he puts the laundry into the washing machine sometimes by himself and whenever i ask him to
3) he irons his own clothes
4) he folds his own clothes, but very seldom he folds my clothes and often placed them in the wrong stack
5) he takes me out every weekend, and on weekday nights whenever we feel like it
6) we hold hands and can chat happily whenever we go out
7) he drives me to visit doctor even in the middle of the night
8) when he does mop the floor, he does it very thoroughly and polishing it
9) every few weeks he automatically wash the toilet
10) he will drive me to places I want to go and places I want to eat
11) although he gambles and plays stocks and shares, he works hard to earn money and pay all the household bills on time, it’s just that earn a lot but also spend a lot kind of lifestyle

Are these good characteristics?

Are these enough and should I just ignore that his temper in bad and will say nasty things whenever we quarrel? Because when we don’t, he tells me nice things and do nice things

Just that he is not romantic nor into intimacy with me

I’m wondering if I get a romantic and more sexual guy, will it be a trade off on all those basic nice characteristics? And how long will things last for romance and sex?

Is there really a good package man out there who will like me and reciprocate my feelings back?

What if I end up with a nicer guy in the beginning and it only last a short while? What will happen to when I’m old and feeble and the guy I’m stuck with has no sense of responsibility at all…

Should I just give and take in this relationship? Be nice to him so that he will be nice to me and forget about everything that happened in the past… start afresh?
 
Hey Bebe hey Evelyn, I'm so happy to find this thread as I oso have big issues with hb.. i've kicked him out in the middle of the night, have threatened to tear up the divorce papers, put him in other room to sleep, slapped him and hit him, end up after reading what Elizabeth said, she's right, they don't change for you, they change only for themselves. Will you change for your husband? Not easy even if you want to. My hb has real issues with his family upbringing and sally, mine doesn't show affection AT ALL. I think many men are like that and their parents are like that. I kept looking back and regretted chosing him but God reminded how we met and how right we felt then, and God wants to help you change with this man and be a gracious woman and helpmate to him, regardless how difficult, we are called to be so. I'm no where there but I'm praying. Meanwhile, we don't get any help but we have people who are experts who write books and we can get help from books. Over here we can encourage and bring one another up instead of down, no point turning back, we have to think for our child.
 
hi all i m in the same situation hubby work OT but did not oay for the kids sch fees, milk powder, diapers, insur etc. i had been paying for 6yrs. had been pressing him when is he clearing his debts n my keepon telling me year end. years had past n no change. nw he said had enough of me, neglect his feelings etc. he uses my name to buy a car, loan patment not prompt, recd summon for illegal parking coz nvr buy season parking. tell him since cant afford y still keep the car, i want to sell he dint want. nvr mind still lend his friend drive to JB if anything happen i will b the one kena not him rite so i insist to sell. nw he blame me for selling the car i dint know y cant he see my pt. mayb i manu him infront of his friend coz he got no car nw? in mar this yr he start to hv affairs, can tell lies say not enough ppl so i had cover duty, call office they say he is either not working or left for the day liao. call his hp is off. i feel so hardbreak he still got the cheek to tell me he wan freedom. wat he do outside nobody knows, he is so immature n playful.
 
aiyoh wah lau ey, cuttie, ur hub lagi worse than mine... *shake head*.. i feel for u.. if u dun have friends can PM me ok we can meet up go out and chat more.. i too very lonely journey no one to talk to.. sigh.. in the meanwhile, be strong and take time to do something for yourself. me looking to go see show at nights, wanna join?
 
This is my two cents' worth: Never wait till he lays his finger on you and your child, coz sometimes it can come so unexpectedly that you have no time to react, lest get out fast.

Oso, sometimes the first time can kill ...

If your man is bad tempered, quick tempered, dun argue with him, and if you must, suggest both go for anger management first.

Sometimes things can get out hand, which is why there is such a phrase " OUT OF CONTROL ".
 
hi mummies...

i realised im not alone!!
have many things in my heart but too tired and lazy to type everything in words.
im also looking for plpe to hang out with.
PM me ok??
 
You know sometimes, we become too idealistic when it comes to relationship. I will speak for my own opinion and I am hoping you can get some ideas and lesson. I guess its not good that you tolerated him. I mean, tolerating him for 6 years just made him think that everything is fine with you. Why not try to work it out? Talk to him and let him know your side. I know its not easy, but at least you tried every possible solutions just before giving up. I've been on your shoes, and it worked for me.

Anyway, regarding your feelings for him, you just have to believe that romance is still essential. Try reading fantasy romance novels, the kind that is like "impossible romance" that becomes possible because of love and see if it will help you feel the need to stay for your husband and help him change.
 
@nanamom
I totally agree with you. If a man lays hands on you for the first time, there will be a second, a third and so on. Its a vicious cycle that you shouldn't even let start
 
Don't EVER feel we have to put up with men who lays hands on kid/wife just because they are feeling lousy/stressed etc. That's mark of bestiality.
 
My gf was married since 2009. 21 feb... And last year have there wedding dinner 20-03-11. Yet thing change after all. I feel like a nightmare on. After meet this getai Chen Xiao xin and thing happend a broken married of them. Husband and Xiao xin getai singer was together up to hurt the wife deep deep by there stupid way. Keep sent the wife photo and SMS of them thing to make the wife cannt take it. I understand my gf pain inside her heart. She knw her husband since 2003 for 9 year . Yet treat her this way both of them use to be very close fre and stay in same location of there house. My gf happend her sickness now husband leave her and hurt her this way how a women could take all this by her ownself. She cannt slp and eat worry and scare of all those thing the husband and the Xiao xin wan to do to her. Why must treat my gf this sad way when my gf so in love deep with we husband for 9 year love. Husband beat my gf for more then 6 time up even end in hospital b4. But my gf forgive him few time and stil with him. Yet hurt a 软的女人.. Even my gf chose to be forgive her husband that time when she find up got this Xiao xin . She told alot of fre even infornt of her husband and the women . She stil hope her husband to be back and save the marriage. Husband fre told my gf dnt be silly women this kind of man forget about it not use anymore. How he hurt u we are guy see Liao also not happy. Even the husband knw very well wife love him so much and he stil make way to hurt my gf more deep . When my gf with her husband time her husband is no money de. My gf dnt mind spent with him together all those hard time an nv leave him stil chose to marry him. Together dem those wind wind rain rain time. Then thing change. Husband got money Liao treat her like hell spent his money on the women and buy her lv bag Rolex watch Gucci shoe and go japan holiday. When my gf apply for money in family court husband say no money all this and tt yet stil can bring tt women go Japan holiday . This kind of husband see the way he did to my gf yet stil make her til no way.
 
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