Hi Ladies,
It's been a long long time since I'd stepped in this thread already. Thought I never will step in here again. Cos I definitely want to move forward.... but....
Previously, when I first stepped into this thread, I was sharing how I lost my boy at 37 weeks of Gestation due to Umbilical cord accident around his left leg. Cutting off oxygen supply to him totally. That was 4th July 2006.
I had opened up and looked on the brighter side when I conceived my 3rd baby and gave birth to him on 4th July 2007. Giving me a sense of miracle that my Jesus tried to compensate my empty arms by giving me another angel to be born on the same day I lost the other.... Life had been beautiful.
After yrs of resting, me and my husband thought that 2 kids had became slight bit of lonely when we decide to have another this yr. I was having birth control under the help of IUD, which I had it removed this April, 2011. And much to our delight, we conceived soon after. Baby supposed to be born 8th January 2012.
Nightmare began again when end of October 2011, I suddenly felt that baby had ceased his usual active self. Very very worried, I rushed to my Gynae and had him scanned immediately. Thorough scanning showed that he was in perfect position. Placenta nothing wrong... Still providing blood flow. Umbilical cord in perfect position. Baby still growing well and his heartbeat perfect.
Gynae told me not to worry much, and told me to take more sweet food to activate him to movement. Though with his assurance, I still wasn't very sure. Thus I rushed to purchase a fetal doppler to keep track on baby's heartbeat on the next day after visiting the Gynae. Guess I'd lost him then....
When I bought the fetal doppler, the lady whom was an ex-nurse had tested the doppler on me. And finally located a heartbeat which I recognized it to be like the one I heard in the clinic. And for the whole of 2 weeks, I never did realise that, the heartbeat could be mine. Cos I just tried to pacify myself, it's only been a day after the Gynae visit. Everything was well.... He's still there.
But I know.... For sure, instinctively, right after I bought the doppler home, I broke down at home. Cried very badly. My hubby then rushed to put the doppler and tracked the 'heartbeat' again and assured me that baby is alright. But I know... I know.
That went on for 2 weeks.... I know my tummy is getting slight smaller. I know that he's only shifting due to the water. I know.... I just want him to be there. To be inside me for a wee bit longer. I know... contractions are already trying to kick in due to the constant tightening. I know......
8th November 2011, I went to another usual gynae visit. And I know... My hubby had to find out the truth. Casual joking with my Gynae... Informed him, baby is not moving. And the truth finally have to happen. Cold jelly applied to my tummy.... Ultrasound began. No Heartbeat. Still..... I looked away. Hubby Hysterical. WHAT HAPPENED?!!! I can't bear to hurt him, yet once again..... Baby at Week 32.
Went through the whole procedure again. This time round, Thompson Hospital is much more prepared for me as compared to my first stillborn. They brought me to the last room. Far away from other delivery suite. Assigned me a Staff Manager to overlook everything. Talked to me, Comforted me.... I was numb. Distant.... A big part of me died.
As my cervix was closed, they had to insert the pill into me every 3 hours to kick start everything. Upon the 5th Pill, I developed fever and Doctor ordered a stop to it. Put on fever medication.... And Gynae inserted some solution into me to have the pills dissolved faster. Estimate, by 9th November 2011, 8pm, The contraction should kick in. The contraction did kick in as predicted. But much earlier at 5pm.... Everything hastened at around 8pm.... by 9.48pm, I knew baby is down there. Calmly told my hubby to get Gynae here.... Baby delivered at 10.13pm. Silence.... I was still the one, to speak to the Gynae, asking him, what's wrong.
First look.... Everything is healthy. Placenta is healthy. But clots are found in the umbilical cord. But also might be due to baby's passing. As he had been gone for quite some time. No apparent reason. Baby just went to sleep and waking up in heavens.
I was in frentic mess. Trying to look for answers everywhere! Protein S Deficiency.... Long term usage of Birth Control also might cause blood clot in Umbilical cord stemming blood flow and oxygen to baby.... But, no answer.
4 pregnancies, 2 stillbirth, 2 alive.
I'm empty.... Yet, my arms are full.... Contradictions everywhere. I'm a mother of 4, yet physically, I'm a mother of 2. Ppl congratulate me for being a mum of 2 beautiful boys... heart yearning to have the other 2 by my side too.
My babies.... Mummy miss both of you. I love both of you too.
I listen to this song constantly to heal myself... I also dedicate this to all mummies in this forum whom faced the same thing as me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBHEJtqKjkk