Support Group - Stillbirths

hi monster,
am surprised u still remember me. but i didn't follow your preg like a tv serial lah, although i'm a sahm. haha. just tt u appeared in most threads i often visit and read as silent reader as well. thats the miscarriage group, prematured babies group, etc. coz i've been thru these difficult phases as well before getting a bb. so sincerely wished u will be successful 1 day too! N yes, u made it! Well-done, n welcome to motherhood. I didn't forget abt my 1st miscarried foetus as well. guess as mummy, we'll never forget. But i'm sure he/she is above and blessing his/her siblings too. N with cayden, i hope your future will be full of happy tears and not sorrow. Indeed, your successful story is all about your perserverence and faith,serves a very good motivation for all. Cheers.
 


Monster, congrats!

Java (cosmicstar), I heard of protein S deficiency, but don't really know what is it. Based on all the test results, Gynae believed that the stillbirth was due to virus attack. My hubby and I were trying hard for No. 2. But I'm worried at the same time that history repeats. Some colleagues of mine advice me to consider of changing the gynae if i conceived. But I think the stillbirth had nothing to do with the gynae, and nobody wanted this to happened. This had made me even more worried...

Just like many of you, I still couldnt bring myself to attend newborn celebrations. Worried that I can't control my emotions and breakdown. Just hope all of friends will understand how i feel....
 
Monster,

I happened to browse this thread today and just saw your beautiful update! Congratulations and give Cayden a big kiss on my behalf?
 
Hi Ling,

thank u for ur well wishes.

SeR,

u're still here.I thought u went MIA coz u have been so quiet.how has life been treating u? are u feeling better? it has been almost a yr,hasn't it? or maybe 2 yrs...how time flies....thank u for ur well wishes....

Angel,

hehe....give my baby boy a big kiss? i kiss him everyday! haha....and i look at him,and i'm so thankful he is safe in my arms.i will kiss him once more today,on behalf of u.
 
Mon Mon, nice to hear fr you, i had quit my job and now preparing for my hb's overseas posting to TW
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I felt really touched to know that gals like u who have been through with me @ the lowest point of my life are blessed with beautiful bundle of joy!~
Thanks for being there for me @ the lowest point of my life..~
 
Hi SeR,

WOW! u're a SAHM now.isn't it great to be able to spend time nurturing ur little girl? it's a luxury.I now work only part time coz i don't want to miss out on my baby's growing years.Enjoy ur time in TW! how exciting.....i gave up my taiwan trip when i got preg last yr.lost a bit of $$ coz we pulled out of the trip last min.but i'm looking fwd to going to taiwan for a hol
 
Hi,
Me just stillborn my #2 at 17wks 2 wks ago cos doc found tat she had no skull n brain not developed well. I can feel the pain all the ladies here feel cos me still hv the pain nw and everynite still cry silently cos afraid hb n my ger know. I feel so sorry tat i cnt hug her n kiss her cos hb n parents told me not to see after delivered her. My whole world crashed when i heard tat i nd to terminate my pregnancy and cnt stop crying and no1 can know hw pain i feel, I really miss her n miss her movement n miss seeing her grow Hope she can cum back to me again but hb say he is afraid of hving bb liao cos see me so painful n suffer when i preggy but i realli 1 2 try again
 
Hi Ladies, was wondering if this thread is still in existence or if there is somewhere else anyone can refer me to. I just had a stillbirth at 32 weeks on 10 May 2011. Am still reeling from the whole incident and am very confused as to why it happened.
 
Hi ML,

*hugs* I'm glad u found this thread.It's not very active anymore.U can try the mid termination thread.It's more active there.

My heart goes out to u & ur family for having gone thru' the ordeal.It's so painful that no one should ever go thru' it.

Would you like to share ur story? Did u send ur baby for an autopsy? Mine happened in 2008 when one day,there was no kicking.I went in to the A & E department and my baby girl had no heartbeat.My heart nearly stopped too.that cold,sinking feeling will never be forgotten.I lost my baby at 28 weeks and that is already painful enough coz I know that if she was born during that gestational age,she would have survived.I can feel your pain having lost urs at 32 weeks.

KKH gave me a book called "Farewell my child".It's good reading and I know it's available online.U may want to have a read.

ARe u doing ur confinement now? I hated that 1 month.No baby,still have to do confinement.But desperation drove me to do it properly.Desperation to quickly recuperate and try again.on hindsight,i'm glad i did it coz ur body really needs to recuperate in order to have a healthy preg.I got preg 9 months later,but i lost the baby (again,no heartbeat at 10 wks).

We went our baby girl for an autopsy but no cause was found.that made me really nervous coz if no cause was found,that means no treatment can be done.that means the doc doesn't know what happened too.I decided to 'investigate' by myself.I went to a haematologist to see if I had clotting disorder.I changed gynae and had a 2nd opinion.I'm glad I did it.she suspected my uterus had problems.She sent me for a series of investigation and a uterine septum was found.Usually,uterine septums are not a big problem.but since I had a 2nd m/c,I decided to have the septum removed.I had a successful 3rd preg.but the road to finally landing a healthy baby wasn't easy.the preg was plaqued with all sorts of problems.I ended up on bedrest for 3 months.

take care...rest well...cry all u need to.it'll help u feel better.ur 'one day' of becoming a mother will come thru'....
 
Dear Monster,
Thanks for replying so soon. This was actually my 2nd pregnancy, my older girl is 4 this year and we had been trying for some time to make her a che-che but sadly it was not meant to be.

At my routine check-up at 32 weeks, my gynae told me that she was unable to detect a heartbeat. My heart sank when I heard those words. And when I saw my baby on the monitor, floating lifelessly in my womb, my whole world came crashing down.

The first question my gynae asked me was when I last felt movement. And I was unable to answer her. With work and all, I had been exhausted and failed to take note of my baby's lack of movement. I had just assumed that she was moving but that I was too busy/too tired to notice. If I had been more observant, something could have been done and she might be in my arms today.

We did not send our baby for any autopsy but tests results from the placenta and blood gave 2 possible causes though very divergent. 1) Protein S Deficiency and 2) Fetal Hydrops. My gynae says it is most probably the latter (cos I had a successful first pregnancy with no problems) but she is unable to rule out Protein S Deficiency either. Apparently, my No.2 suffered from a heart failure several days before and when she was taken out. All I can hope for is that it wasn't painful for her.

Came across this thread just a week ago and had a good cry while reading all the posts. Had earlier read that the number of stillbirths in Singapore is one of the lowest in the world .. yet it happened to us .. to me .. Feel so sad for myself and for everyone here. Nobody should have to ever bury their child. At the same time, as I read the posts, I gain some strength .. knowing that there have been others who have gone through similar experiences and survived it. And thankfully, I have my older girl who has been my strength during these past weeks.
 
Hi ML,

No worries.When I read what u wrote,I felt a huge regret overcome me.Like u,I was so bz the whole day,I didn't notice foetal movements.I was treating patients and they were my priority.All this while,my baby was dead inside me.At lunch,I even told hubby I was very hungry.

I only realised and panicked during dinner when my mum asked how the baby was.Only then did I realise she didn't move the entire day.I was trying to recall the last time she moved,but I couldn't.I tried to agitate my tummy,but she didn't move for 1 hr.By then,I more or less knew the outcome.I even calmly finished up my dinner,then headed to the hospital to check.And my world came crashing down.A stillbirth changes ur life FOREVER.Until today,everytime my cousin's gal celebrates her b'day,I would think Chloe would be the same age as her.And I feel the wave of sadness overcome me.

For the 3rd preg,I bought a foetal doppler.And every morn,I would check.I'll bring the doppler everywhere I go.I started counting kicks since wk 24,even though gynae only told me to count fr 28 wks onwards.I was paranoid.I brought along a file everywhere to register baby movement.I hardly slept a wink at night,coz I just wanted to stay up as late as possible to monitor movments.Those times I sleep was due to pure exhaustion.

Until today,I wonder what went wrong.I accidentally ate oysters in oysters omelette.I have avoided all these sort of food since the beginning of preg.I wonder if I noticed the decrease in foetal movment earlier,would the outcome have been different? But I was very sure b4 I slept,the baby was still moving,coz I commented to hubby how active she was.

There's another lady in this thread who had a 1st successful preg,and 2 subsequent stillbirths.There is also one who's 2nd preg ended up in a stillbirth.

Be consoled,at least u know a successful preg is possible.For me,I didn't even know if it was possible.At 1 point in time,i told myself if I never have a child,at least I have the experience of being preg.

there are 2 other ladies in the mid termination thread who have successfully gone on to become mothers recently.use these success stories to spur u on.but take time to rest.it's okie to cry.everytime i read something in this thread,i cry...i can only imagine ur pain.

am I correct to assume ur baby is a girl and u've decided to name her maia? that's a nice name.tell maia to look for chloe in heaven so that they can become friends and play together.these girls (and those others who have befriended my chloe) share a special bond coz they are angels gone too soon...
 
Hi ML
1 MC at 7 wks, 1 MC at 17 wks due to Incompetence cervix, 1 cervical cerclage (perform a stitch at the cervix to prevent opening b4 delivery) at 12 wks pregnancy, i not manage to hold her till full term, i gave birth to her at 27 wks of gestation & she stay in the hospital for 60days! Now, she is crying loudly in her cot
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ML, pls don't give up & depress, god will give us healthy child, give yourself more time also the body, with our singapore medical advancement, I am sure u can make it. Jia you ML
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Hi Monster and Ethan_mum,

Monster, glad to hear that you have successfully gone on to be a mum now. How old is your 3rd child now?

Yes, my second was a girl.

My hubby and I are hoping that we will be able to successfully conceive again, once my 6 months sentence is up. We had tried for sometime before we managed to conceive Maia, whereas my elder daughter was totally unplanned and conceived within a month of us getting married.

It was only with the second pregnancy that I began to understand the frustration and heartache some couples go through month after month. We even tried TCM. And despite all these, I was unable to give birth to a healthy baby. So I'm worried that (1) it will be hard for us to conceive again (Am not getting any younger) and (2) that THIS NIGHTMARE might happen again.

All I can do it pray that God has a bigger plan for us and I hope that children are part of his plan. With this experience, it is my hubby and my regret that we didn't start earlier. And we definitely want more children, so if God blesses us with 1/2/3 more, we will not stand in his way because children are really life's miracles.

Cried during service AGAIN this Sun. The songs sang always make me cry. And I find myself still unable to sing and praise the Lord because I question why God had to take my child away from me. I know this sounds like a contradiction from what I said earlier but I swing between the two spectrums - part of me believes that God has a bigger plan for us, that He loves us and loves Maia and that my daughter is safe with him and the other part just questions 'WHY WHY WHY?' But I still go, cos in a strange sense, God still gives me comfort.

In the midst of all the crying, I had a quiet moment with my hubby who shared with me this thought, which brought some comfort to me and hopefully to any future mums who may have similar misfortune of losing a child ... that our time on earth is limited, that we never know when our last day is, that at least I had time to know Maia when she was in my womb, that however long our time on earth, that each child is a blessing, that even though I was not able to spend time with her and watch her grow, I had 8 months with her and we will all be reunited in God's kingdom.

Strange enough, on that very day, I was reading a book, Keeping Faith by Mitch Albom, and something similar was written in it. Perhaps, just perhaps, God was reassuring me that my baby is in good hands .. and I will be reunited with her once my time on earth ends.
 
Hi, ladies

It has been a while since I visited this thread. When my son was stillborn Nov 2009 3 days before EDD, I read all the posts, though I didn't post any comments. I had pm-ed one of the ladies here, though, and she was kind enough to share her thoughts and advice. We also shared the same dr.

I had had recurring nightmares of losing him several times during my pregnancy - the scenarios of discovery would differ but the outcome would always be the same. I've heard some say if you tell others about bad dreams they won't come true.. but this nightmare did. Perhaps someone was trying to tell me something. Yet I didn't pay attention and was lax about counting foetal movement. It was many hours before I realised my son had stopped moving even though he was always super vigorous. If only I had been more conscious, if only I had opted for a C-section which would mean he'd have been delivered before 39 weeks, if only, if only..

After the stillbirth friends tried to comfort me using the story of Job, telling me God wouldn't give me something I could not bear. I just thought then He was either trying to drive me insane or break me with his challenges. I would cry each time I went to church. I was angry with Him for changing his mind - giving me a kid, then taking it away.

But I was also thankful to Him that I had my older girl with me. When I was preparing for the delivery of my son after his heart had stopped, I told my husband I wanted to see her immediately after, which I did. The day after delivery, i also went to her playschool to watch her before going home. I thank God He at least gave me her. I still wake up at night to check that she is breathing.. paranoid, I know..

I'd also read the book "Farewell my child" given by TMC then and cried and read and cried some more. I felt bad that I felt better knowing others suffered too.. Shouldn't I wish this didn't happen to anyone? It was bad that I felt lucky not to have lost him after he was born healthy to a long illness or accident, or that he didn't have to struggle in NICU for days or weeks.. At least our daily lives were not imprinted by him and then had to be readjusted. Because he never came home at all, because it was never really here at all but inside me. I'm sorry if that doesn't make sense.

I am now pregnant again at 17 weeks. I was on bed rest for most of the 1st trimester due to spotting even after hormone pills and injection. I have been put on aspirin now as the diagnosis then was blood clot due to Protein S which caused impeded blood flow to my son. An autopsy showed that he was perfectly formed in everyway. I wanted to know. It was me. My dr said he would have felt no pain but slowly drifted to sleep.. is it true or is that just something they say to make you feel better.. I don't know..

We are cautiously happy with the pregnancy but.. We have not dared to buy anything at all for the new baby. She's a girl. I cried when the 16 week scan showed her sex. I was relieved that it was not a boy as I didn't want history to repeat itself and this deviation seemed like a good thing. My son's things are still in his closet. I don't know if we will use them..

His ashes are also with us at home and will stay with us until we - my husband and I - all move to a niche. I cry still once in a while, but most of the time you can only be stoic about these things.

Keep sane, all.
 
Hi ve,

I feel so sad after reading ur post.I'm dead tired,but I feel the need to pen something.

we have a few similarities:

1)the night b4 I lost chloe,I dreamt that I lost her.it's a scary premonition.and it's way too accurate

2)I didn't pay attention to foetal movement the day I lost her.and strangely,at antenatal class the wk b4,it was mentioned that we have to monitor foetal movement.I was 28 wks.I guess I always thought 3rd trimester is safe.afterall,I've gone thru' the most unstable - 1st trimester.

3)like u,i keep thinking (even till today),if only...and i feel guilty sometimes.coz i wonder in my every living moment if i could have done something different that would have saved chloe

4) I read "farewell my child" too.and it gave me consolation that other ppl have also lost their child.evil thought,but somehow,it made me feel better coz mine was a stillbirth,not losing a living child who was born.at that moment,i told myself to treat it as a late m/c.

5) I was not on bedrest during the 1st trimester of this successful preg,but i was advised to rest more.I literally did nothing.I was ferried everywhere.My mum insisted I don't carry anything,including my handbag! she will carry it for me! I was spotting too.I had 3 pregnancies and I spotted in all 3 pregnancies.for the successful one,I even had a gush once.my legs went soft,i abandoned my dinner and rushed to A&E.but somehow,i had a gut feeling that my baby was okie.and he was.

6) I got tested for protein S deficiency,but was negative.I was on hormonal jabs since i started spotting until wk 14.i was on twice weekly jabs.I was put on asprin as a precaution,though I had nothing wrong with my blood.I took asprin until 36 wks.I was reluctant to stop asprin coz I've come to 36 wks,I cannot afford to lose the child.I didn't know if asprin contributed to the preg being able to progress so far or not,but I couldn't take the chance.my gynae reassured me it's safe to stop,and I did.

7) I didn't buy anything for baby too.TOO SCARED! I was happy,and I wanted to buy,but at the back of my mind,it's always,"what if i don't make it".In the end,I did buy.it was such a joy to be able to buy,but it was not 100% joy.there was still apprehension.as much as I would have liked this successful preg to be more joyful,i couldn't help but think,"what if history repeats itself?" and I wanted to leave buying all stuff till I pass my dangerous period.coz if i really didn't make it,at least I'll have something to look fwd to during the next preg.If I bought everything already,next preg,no need to shop for anything.aynway,during the 1st unsuccessful preg,i already stocked up on a lot of stuff like stroller,cot etc.so this preg,there was no joy in going out to get these stuff anymore.

8) I was asking myself if i wanted a girl again or a boy.a girl would be nice,but a boy would mean I can go shopping again.it's like a whole new beginning.btw,it was a boy.

9) Autopsy of chloe showed nothing wrong with her.and till the day I die,i'll never find out what went wrong.maybe she'll tell me in my dreams one day.and I did dream of her recently.and she's a big girl.she's really the age she would have been if she was alive.

hang in there.and like u,i check every night for the past 1 yr to ensure my boy is breathing.only ppl who have lost kids will do so.other ppl cannot understand the paranoia.and I recently asked myself how long more I'll be doing this.I really don't know.my friends mentioned I'm so relaxed with my son.I don't worry abt which kindy he will go to,or which pri sch he should go to,or which enrichment class he should attend.and to that ,i say,"as long as he's breathing and alive every moment,that's all I ask for".

you will move on,but u'll never forget.and what's wrong with that? these kids are part of our fam.it's only right if we rem them...
 
Hi Ladies

It has been almost three years and it's going to be his third anniversary in two weeks time. I still miss him and recently I asked my husband again how he looked like since I didn't have the courage to see him after delivery.

This time, my husband was able to compare his looks with our two boys. Yes! TWO boys! I delivered another boy last month. This pregnancy made me so paranoid again and similarly, had to go through c-section at 37 weeks in case anything goes wrong in my womb again. We wouldn't want that to happen again. #1 is sitting on my lap doddling as I type now while #2 is sleeping soundly in his bed.

I'm so glad to be blessed with two more boys after losing him three years ago. Hope this will encourage anyone who is going through the tough time, never give up and stay positive.

And thanks to all ladies who has been giving me the encouragement for the past three years.
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Hi Ladies,

It's been a long long time since I'd stepped in this thread already. Thought I never will step in here again. Cos I definitely want to move forward.... but....

Previously, when I first stepped into this thread, I was sharing how I lost my boy at 37 weeks of Gestation due to Umbilical cord accident around his left leg. Cutting off oxygen supply to him totally. That was 4th July 2006.

I had opened up and looked on the brighter side when I conceived my 3rd baby and gave birth to him on 4th July 2007. Giving me a sense of miracle that my Jesus tried to compensate my empty arms by giving me another angel to be born on the same day I lost the other.... Life had been beautiful.

After yrs of resting, me and my husband thought that 2 kids had became slight bit of lonely when we decide to have another this yr. I was having birth control under the help of IUD, which I had it removed this April, 2011. And much to our delight, we conceived soon after. Baby supposed to be born 8th January 2012.

Nightmare began again when end of October 2011, I suddenly felt that baby had ceased his usual active self. Very very worried, I rushed to my Gynae and had him scanned immediately. Thorough scanning showed that he was in perfect position. Placenta nothing wrong... Still providing blood flow. Umbilical cord in perfect position. Baby still growing well and his heartbeat perfect.

Gynae told me not to worry much, and told me to take more sweet food to activate him to movement. Though with his assurance, I still wasn't very sure. Thus I rushed to purchase a fetal doppler to keep track on baby's heartbeat on the next day after visiting the Gynae. Guess I'd lost him then....

When I bought the fetal doppler, the lady whom was an ex-nurse had tested the doppler on me. And finally located a heartbeat which I recognized it to be like the one I heard in the clinic. And for the whole of 2 weeks, I never did realise that, the heartbeat could be mine. Cos I just tried to pacify myself, it's only been a day after the Gynae visit. Everything was well.... He's still there.

But I know.... For sure, instinctively, right after I bought the doppler home, I broke down at home. Cried very badly. My hubby then rushed to put the doppler and tracked the 'heartbeat' again and assured me that baby is alright. But I know... I know.

That went on for 2 weeks.... I know my tummy is getting slight smaller. I know that he's only shifting due to the water. I know.... I just want him to be there. To be inside me for a wee bit longer. I know... contractions are already trying to kick in due to the constant tightening. I know......

8th November 2011, I went to another usual gynae visit. And I know... My hubby had to find out the truth. Casual joking with my Gynae... Informed him, baby is not moving. And the truth finally have to happen. Cold jelly applied to my tummy.... Ultrasound began. No Heartbeat. Still..... I looked away. Hubby Hysterical. WHAT HAPPENED?!!! I can't bear to hurt him, yet once again..... Baby at Week 32.

Went through the whole procedure again. This time round, Thompson Hospital is much more prepared for me as compared to my first stillborn. They brought me to the last room. Far away from other delivery suite. Assigned me a Staff Manager to overlook everything. Talked to me, Comforted me.... I was numb. Distant.... A big part of me died.

As my cervix was closed, they had to insert the pill into me every 3 hours to kick start everything. Upon the 5th Pill, I developed fever and Doctor ordered a stop to it. Put on fever medication.... And Gynae inserted some solution into me to have the pills dissolved faster. Estimate, by 9th November 2011, 8pm, The contraction should kick in. The contraction did kick in as predicted. But much earlier at 5pm.... Everything hastened at around 8pm.... by 9.48pm, I knew baby is down there. Calmly told my hubby to get Gynae here.... Baby delivered at 10.13pm. Silence.... I was still the one, to speak to the Gynae, asking him, what's wrong.

First look.... Everything is healthy. Placenta is healthy. But clots are found in the umbilical cord. But also might be due to baby's passing. As he had been gone for quite some time. No apparent reason. Baby just went to sleep and waking up in heavens.

I was in frentic mess. Trying to look for answers everywhere! Protein S Deficiency.... Long term usage of Birth Control also might cause blood clot in Umbilical cord stemming blood flow and oxygen to baby.... But, no answer.

4 pregnancies, 2 stillbirth, 2 alive.

I'm empty.... Yet, my arms are full.... Contradictions everywhere. I'm a mother of 4, yet physically, I'm a mother of 2. Ppl congratulate me for being a mum of 2 beautiful boys... heart yearning to have the other 2 by my side too.

My babies.... Mummy miss both of you. I love both of you too.

I listen to this song constantly to heal myself... I also dedicate this to all mummies in this forum whom faced the same thing as me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBHEJtqKjkk
 
Tis is probably e first time I post in discussion thread.
I nvr tot I would nd to post here at all.

I juz lost my baby Donte,小恩宇.
He is only 26wks old.
He is my second boy.

Left e hospital without e baby is such a horrible feeling.
Haiz.
Y is it mi?Y?

I'm so afraid I will sink into depression.
But I really dunno how to stay strong...

Can anyone help mi?
 
Hi Angeline,

I actually wrote a msg some time back,but on a press of the wrong button, *POOF?* it's gone.Didn't have time to pen anything until now.

My heart goes out to u & ur family.What brand of doppler did u buy? some are not true dopplers.They only act as amplifiers.I was also paranoid during my preg.I actually took leave during the 'danger period'.but in the end,i had to have bedrest the entire 3rd trimester.It was truely a nightmare.I hardly slept.I slept only out of exhaustion in the morn.Somehow,it seems 'safer' to sleep in the morn.I had a chart fr the gynae to record kicks.but that to me wasn't good enough.since the moment i can feel movment,i jotted down the times.This allowed me to check when the last movement was,instead of relying on 10 kicks a day.

Yes,our pulse sounds very similar to the baby's heartbeat.My doppler has a reading and I know if the reading is abt 80 or 90+,it's not the baby's heartbeat.sometimes when the baby's heartbeat drops below 140,i panick.I will prepare to go to the hospital.I went to the hospital twice in the last trimester coz 1st time,my BP went up,2nd time,couldn't find baby's heartbeat.My own heart nearly stopped too.

And yes,I know how it feels when u said u felt numb and a big part of u died.a big part of me died too.I cried daily for 1 mth,cried silently coz everyone wanted me to be strong.how to be strong? No one will ever feel how we feel unless they have been thru' a stillbirth.my circle of friends changed too.ppl cannot understand why I almost went crazy during my viable pregnancy,they cannot understand why I will sacrifice so much to have a child and to love this child.now,my friends are those who have helped me,those who don't pass frivilous comments,and a special group who also been thru' stillbirth (ladies fr the forum).

Abt blood clot.my 1st gynae was fr KKH.Autopsy found blood clots in the umbilical cord.so she assumed it was blood clot.she said she will put me on asprin for the next preg and 'hope for the best'.that's not good enough for me.she sent me to check my urinary tract organs coz she found a vaginal septum and there could be abnormalities in those organs coz they originate fr the same source.That was not good enough for me once again.I wanted a gynae who will try her/his best.I went to see A/Prof Mary Rauff in search of answers.she is truely experienced and insightful.she said the blood clot was prob due to the delivery process.b4 I saw her,I also went by myself to the haematologist to get tested for clotting factors problem,which the KKH gynae didn't even check on.A/Prof Mary Rauff sent me for a 3D x-ray and found a uterine septum which was eventually removed.after that,i had a live birth (preg no.3).but preg no.4 was terminated recently due to no yolk sac.by then,i had no feeling anymore.but the desire to complete my family is so strong,i'm still trying now.

I tried this month,but that means if i'm successful,the EDD will be very close to my stillborn.I have contemplated not trying,but time is too precious and 1 month = 1 hope.so i tried anyway and if i'm successful,i will garner all my strength to get thru' my fear.

like u,i told my gynae,4 pregnancies,only 1 child.tell ur boy to look for Chloe in heaven.She will befriend him and his brother and they can all play together.

Strangely,recently,I dreamt of Chloe.Can't really remember how she looks,but she was a 3 y.o sized girl,not a baby.maybe it's really her wanting to meet mummy.I'm glad she appeared in my dreams...
 
Hi Ranice,

This thread should never be active.A stillbirth is so painful that no one should have to ever experience it.

How are u coping? When I had the stillbirth,KKH gave me a book (yah,free! how nice,right? but it's a book I don't want) called 'Farewell my child".It gave me a lot of consolation reading it.And this thread helped me a lot.Knowing that others who have been thru' are so encouraging and helpful in getting me back onto my feet,I felt consoled.Sometimes,family memebers don't know what to do coz they don't know anyone who has been thru' this and they don't know how to react.An aunt dropped by the hospital and she said she didn't know what to say.At that time,I was blank,I just cried and cried and cried.but my heart wanted to tell her,her presence is enough to console me.no need to say anything.

U ask how to stay strong? THere's no need to! Cry if u want to cry.Hide if u want to hide.I did just that.I hated ppl who told me to stay strong.how to? A part of me just died.I avoided all kid's b'day parties,1st mth parties.I chose the functions I wanted to go,I chose whom I wanted to hang out with etc.

Time will heal...it may take a long time though.U will never forget,but u will recover.Hang in there.It took me a yr to get back on track...
 
Hi monster,
I read abt tt book online.
I wrote a entry on my own blog for my second boy.
Probably dere will b more entries next time.

i feel so alone despite having my elder boy wif mi,my hubby n my parents.
Doing e so called confinement nw,which i totally hate.Nvr belive in tis.But i nd to do it,after being forced.
I dun lik to b force to do anything,at tis moment.But no one seems to hear my wants,my needs.All they care is e old tradition tt they nd to follow.

I can only cry in slient in front of my hubby n elder boy.
Almost e whole of mi died.I feel i neglected my second boy too much,tts y he is being taken away frm mi...

Dere is so much ive yet to do for him,but is gone nw forever...
 
Hi,

I really wished i don't have the chance to join this thread. I really dun wised to...

24 Jan 2012
It was 2nd Day of CNY when i discover that i had this green jelly mucus like discharge without any blood. The first time that comes to my mind was "Is this the mucus plug that came off?” I told myself how could it be when I’m still 3 months away from the EDD. Discharges are pretty common during pregnancy. The discharge came on and off.

27 Jan 2012
Had my routine check up with my Gyane. Everything was fine. Estimated weight for my boy was 761g. I was very happy as this weight is supposed to be a weight for baby who are in their 26 weeks but my boy was only in his 24 weeks.

1 Feb 2012
I started to have this menses like aching pain. 酸酸痛痛 but it came and go twice for the whole day. Considering it is neither frequent nor intense, I’ll monitor it and see how.

2 Feb 2012
For the whole day I do not feel anything till evening the aching pain came back twice. That night around 7pm, I had a bad feeling that this is not right. Considering the pain and the discharge. I suspect that I might have some infection so I went down to the GP and was diagnosed with UTI(尿道发炎). However, the antibiotics that is suitable for pregnancy is not available in the clinic so I was told to get it from the pharmacy tomorrow.

I was really relived to know that nothing big is going on. Despite the pain is quite persistent, I just thought that it might be the infection.

I went to bed at around 11pm, I was lying on my bed and suddenly I felt this powerful kick that I never had in my whole pregnancy. The kicks are so hard so powerful and he kick it like so fast. At first I was enjoying it. However, the kicks I’m getting suddenly made me felt so scared. He was kicking so hard and so fast that it was like 20-30 kicks in less than 2 minutes. I’m not joking I really felt scared. Dear dear came home at 12am and he asked me if I’m alright. I told him: “哇！你的儿子刚才踢很大力!” When I recalled back, it seems like乐乐 was like asking me for help. But I didn’t.

However, that night I woke up at 5am in pain that is still bearable but can’t sleep. I woke dear dear up and told him I need to go get the antibiotics now as I’m in pain. We then make out way to 24 hrs clinic. I told he doc I was in pain and suspect that I might have UTI. So he asked me to do a urine test. When I got up I felt something coming out. I thought I can’t control my pee. I knew something is not right.

I went to the toilet, pull down my pants and I saw blood. Lots of blood. I freaked out. I don’t know what to do. I collected the urine and I dash out to dear dear and told him I’m bleeding badly. He nurse heard me and keep telling me, “IT’S FINE, ITS NORMAL IN UTI”, I told her its not a small amount of blood. It is a lot! She assures me again that it is fine and asked me to see the doc first.. The whole container is not in urine color but blood.

I went in and the doc told me it is fine. It is really common in UTI. However, I keep telling him it’s a lot of blood!! Again he told me its normal. So I was prescribed with the antibiotics and some pain killers.

We went back home, took the medicine and I expect to fall asleep soon. However the pain got so intense that I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turn in great pain. I felt like peeing and shitting. During that time I still felt he was kicking me but very gentle 5 kicks. When I think back, 乐乐 was like trying to say: “Daddy & Mummy, bye bye!” or “ Daddy Mummy, I Love You!”

It was around 6am when we got home and the pain got so intense that I go dear dear to call up our gyane to let him know what is going on and I knew in my heart this time I’m not gonna be so lucky, I knew something bad is gonna happen. We called the gyane at 735am. He told us to go to TMC level 2 now.

We make out way to the hospital. The pain was so intense that I felt the urge to push. That’s when I really knew “its bad”. Morning traffic delayed out time. Perhaps took us 45mins – 1 hr to get to KK. I felt the urge to push but I knew I can’t push, I can’t, I mustn’t. Still the water bag broke while we are on the way to the hospital. I remember it so clearly, the warm water that flow out of me. When the water bag broke the pain is gone totally gone. I sat there in daze, nothing was in my mind. I didn’t want to think about it. I knew I had lost my boy. I just knew it somewhere in my heart but just waiting for someone to confirm it. I told Dear Dear not to go to TMC, we shall go KK instead as KK had the facilities and equipment for Pre-Mature babies.

We got to the O&G 24 hrs Clinic. The doc there took the scope and asked me to listen for his heartbeat but I couldn’t hear anything and the doc didn’t say anything. I was being push to the delivery suite. When I was n the way up to delivery suite, I heard the doc saying softly: “There was no fetal heartbeat and bb was in footling breech position.” In the delivery suite, I was given an Ultrasound. Doc just couldn’t find his heartbeat.

Doc turn to me and told me she was so sorry, my boy is gone. I had to deliver him now as his legs are already half way into the birth canal. I was asked to push if I have the urge to. I lie there in daze, no tears no feeling, no nothing. I asked for Dear Dear to be there for me.

The pain, I couldn’t describe. I guess I’m just too shocked to have any emotions. The urge come I push, the urge come I pushed. I can’t remember how many pushes I had. I knew I just had to get him out.

Castiel Tan Le Le， 陈乐乐 was born still on 3rd Feb 2012, 0921am, weighing at 766g with a fetal height of 35cm tall. We need to give him a name as my parents wanted to give him a small ritual. I named him “乐乐” in hoping that he will be happy without us in which ever god that is holding him right now.

The nurse asked if I wanted to hold him? I hesitate. Hubby stopped me from carry him. Nurse said when I’m ready, I can carry him. In fact, I’m so afraid of carrying him. I do not know how does he looked like? Did I twisted him arms or legs or made his face……… But I knew if I don’t carry him now. I will definitely regret it after.

I couldn’t forget the moment I carried him in my arms, the feeling? Its beyond words. It felt so lousy, I felt like the whole world collapse on me. 乐乐 looked so small, his face. I don’t have the courage to flip open the swaddle to look at his small little body. His hands, his feet. His round round little tummy. I couldn’t. 乐乐looked so much like his daddy, his face looked exactly like his dad. Small and sharp. His mouth, looked just like his dad, small and thin. 乐乐doesn’t looked like any pre-mature babies. 乐乐looked so much like a full term baby but in a smaller version. I couldn’t stop crying the moment I carried him in my arms. When I looked at his small face, when I touché his cheek with my finger, my heart broke. My finger is so big to him. His whole face is like just half of my palm size. His face is really soft like new born. His round round little head with hair.

It is really so dramatic. I felt so unfair!!

I had to wait in the delivery suite for recovery. Nurse measured乐乐, weighted乐乐, got乐乐 something to wear, the shirt is so small not bigger then my palm size. The knitted hat for pre-mature babies I guess. When the nurse got him dress up, she took him away for photoshoot. Came back and gave me the photo. I looked into the photo and he looked just like he was sleeping. Sound asleep. Not long, the undertaker is here to take 乐乐 away, into the mortuary. I took a last look at 乐乐, he really just looked like a normal baby who is so soundly asleep. I just couldn’t accept the fact that he is gone. I totally broke down, my heart sank.

When I was in the hospital, the delivery suite. I kept asking myself, why? Why my boy? It was a healthy pregnancy. I heard woman screaming and minutes later, I heard baby crying. Not one but many. I asked hubby, why other people pregnancy is so smooth, nothing happen yet my pregnancy end up in such a tragic way? Later we called our Gyane and he said it was 1:200 ratio. WTF!! I’m just the damn unlucky 1?? Why cant it be others?

4th Feb 2012
I was discharged from the hospital. 乐乐’s ritual is schedule at 3pm at Mandai. Hubby meet the master to bring乐乐 out. We was asked to gave 3 clothing, sweets, milk for the ritual. I prepared more. I told my sis to get him a pair of mittens and booties afraid that乐乐 might be cold as the romper I insisted on letting him wear is short. We reached Mandai at 2.30pm. We waited for乐乐’s arrival at HALL 1. I brought a bib that was given free on the last routine check up by the gyane. It says: “Daddy’s Little Drive” with a car red in color. While waiting for乐乐 to arrival, I sat there started to think about乐乐. The moment I start thinking of him, I couldn’t stop crying. We both cried. Soon, 乐乐 arrived. The person asked if we wanted to take a last look at him? I didn’t hesitate. I looked at hubby and nodded my head. When I looked in the “bed” that he lie in. He looked so small, so small. My heart really felt so painful seeing him lying so motionless inside. He really just looked sound asleep. He looked so smart in the romper that my sis bought from Tommy Hilfiger. It really looked nice on him. 乐乐 will be a handsome boy!

Confinement Started
I remember asking dear dear, other people do confinement need to look after baby, what can I do during my confinement? A confinement without a baby is already torturous enough yet people keep coming in and tell me this can’t that can’t. I’m not doing a normal confinement; can’t you guys be satisfied when I have already done 80%?

I think a lot during these few days. Everything reminds me of乐乐. The prenatal pills, the kicks that he will give me when I called him, the stretch marks on my tummy(his trophy =]), stretch marks on my boobs, the maternity wear, the bed that I spent time talking to him, the promises that was made to him by his daddy, promised that we’ll bring him to swimming every Sunday after he is born etc etc. I woke up every morning with nothing to look forward to.

There are so many things I regretted not doing. Or never had a chance to do it.

Quoted from "Farewell my child"
"When a child dies, all the dreams and hopes the parents have for him die along with the child. Feeling helpless as I am unable to protect my boy from harm. Feeling guilty as I am unable to fulfill the responsibilities and duties of parenthood, which are to protect, love and care."

I regretted not kissing him. Not being able to bath him for once. Not being able to dress him for the first and last time before sending him off. I regretted so many things. Its already so near.. I made it thru for 25 weeks….. I’m only left with 11 weeks before the arrival of beanie.. Why.. Why my boy??

I knew the fastest way to get me back is to have another one soon. But I knew the feeling of losses, thus I’ll even afraid of losing him/her again.
 
I cant stop crying after reading ur post,I feel u.
My boy was gone at 26wks.
Today he is gone for a month already,e pain is still dere.
n I noe it will forever b.

At least u were dere for 乐乐's ritual.I wasn't,I was nt allow to go.
Ya,we will have a lot of regrets,nt doing tis nt doing tt for them.
No one will understand tis feeling other than us.
Nt even our husbands.

乐乐 will b in a better place.
rmb to ask 乐乐 to go find my 宇.
So they will have playmates tog.

Pls take care alright,do pm mi if u need anyone to tok to.
Can't give any better advices but at least lend u my ears.
happy.gif
 
Ranice,

Thank you..

Only people who lose it before will really know how we felt.. I hate others telling me, its ok, its alright, dun thk too much.. u all r still young can try again.. WTF!! u all say it in a easy way.. but nv tot of how we would feel...

I really find the book, "farewell my child" good.. everything it says is my feeling.. my thking...

I wanted to be there for his ritual. I knew i will regret it i am not able to go. But we are not allow to go see him when he is being pushed inside for the process.. I dunno a word for it...
 
Hi Castiel

I am a silent reader in this thread since I lost my daughter in July last year,I was crying when I read your post.I understand your pain but dun know how to give you better advise.

Time will heal but is still painful and we will always remember the bb we lost.

Wish all our bb are in good hands now.
 
Hi Castiel, I understood totally, caues I lost my boy due to premature labor too. He was borned prematurely at 23 weeks plus nearly 24 weeks. When I was bleeding, my gynae kept telling me it was alright, nothing wrong. When I was admitted to KKH, the nurses kept telling me it was alright. But eventually, i gave birth, alright? loads of rubbish! But I was slightly more fortunate, cause my son was in neonatal care for 2 days, and I managed to see him once. But I did not send him off when he passed away, as my parents told me not to, as I was under confinement. Sigh...my greatest regret in life.

I went thru 1 month of confinement without baby like you. My son's ashes lie in the Changi Sea. Every year, we visited him during his birthday.

The pains forever remains...

乐乐, 宇, 和宇安永远快乐地在一起.

Now I have two children with me. Focus on the future. You need to build up your health first. Find out the reason for your premature labor. Stop the next premature labor.

Just when we are expecting our life will be smooth, and looking forward to something, suddenly, it just happened...

Life is never a bed of roses. This was what I learnt.

No one who went thru the same painful experience like us will understand. But we are the greatest and most blissful parents in this world, cause we have our angels watching over us...
 
It has been quite a while since I visited and post in this thread. Time really files, baby jorelle had left us for 2 years (7 mar 2010), and I had successfully delivered her sister, baby Jocelyn on 24 feb 2012. Due to the first unpleasant incident, I had been worrying, stressed and over paranoid throughout the second pregnancy. And I had to go through all sorts of blood test, and scans to ensure that the baby is healthy. Finally, I delivered baby jocelyn successfully when she was only 36 weeks via c section. I will always remember the moment when I hold baby Jocelyn first time in my arm, with her crying loudly and kicking hard. Though I have baby jocelyn now, baby jorelle will still forever in my heart.... To all ladies here, be strong and move on. I understand that it is not easy as I went thru this as well.... But time will be able to heal all wounds,. With this unpleasant incident, I learnt to treasure all close ones...
 
Hello mummies....

Though I m not sure whether the mummies share the same view as me. I believe in fate.

If not for my 1st miscarriage, I definitely WONT conceive my gal now (conceive her just 2th mth of my MC).

When I look at my gal now..I noe I defnitely won't conceive her if I don't have my mc.

After a loooong 6 yrs, my hb was posted back to the same place when I had my mc. We returned to the same hospital due to my flu.

I saw the ultrasound of my miscarriaged bb and my current gal ( I returned when I was 5 weeks pregnant with her). Somehow I believe in fate.

For those who misses their babies, I m definitely with you because I miss my babies (10 weeks and 5th month 2009) . I definitely to try for another one but the pain was too great till now. we do not have courage to try again.

My hb is reluctant to try another time with me because of the fear and pain of losing another baby. Actually I m with him too. That is another reason of why I m willing to settle with only one.
 
My family seem to be happy now as we seem to "bury it" but deep in the heart, the pain was so great that it never fail to bring tears when i was ever alone even though it been so many years.

I really have no courage to try for another one. I can't stand for a pair of pitiful eye looking at me and the sarcastic remarks tt i'ever had!!

For those courageous mummies who's trying, u hv my best wishes!
 
Hello mummies,

I cried so much when I read all your stories. I don't think anyone who hasn't lost a baby can understand how we feel.

We lost our baby boy (our #2) at 18 weeks on 23 March 2012, Fri. That was just 10 days ago and the pain is just excruciating. Not a day goes by when I haven't cried and long for him to come back to us, even though I know that it is impossible, no matter how hard I wish for it.

We were really so happy because we already have a lovely girl and the age gap between her and him would have been a nice 2.5 years. We were also very grateful because we had taken a long 3 years to conceive our #1 naturally (after many failed IUIs and 2 failed IVFs) and then a little more than a year to conceive #2, again naturally.

HB and I had just come back from a trip on Mon evening. I had felt some tightening in my abdomen area in the evenings while on the trip, but it felt exactly like Braxton Hicks which I had with my #1, although it did seem a little early to be having them at 17+ weeks.

I went to see my GP on Wed afternoon because I was beginning to feel some mild cramps and backache and felt that I could do with a day of rest at home. Then I began to have some pinkish discharge on Wed evening and made an appointment to see my gynae the next day. I did previously have one episode of bleeding that lasted a day at 14 weeks, but my gynae was not overly concerned and I thought that this time could be the same thing.

At the hospital, my gynae examined my cervix and informed me that it was still long and closed and that the discharge did not appear to be coming from the cervix. She took a swap of the discharge, gave me a progesterone jab to relax the uterus and 2 weeks leave to rest at home.

That same evening, I began to feel even more cramps and discomfort. I thought I needed to give the injection some time to take effect, so I didn't think too much about the discomfort. I woke up at 2.30am from the cramps and backache. The pain seemed to be coming at irregular intervals, but lasted only 10 secs each. I thought they would go away and managed to go back to sleep, but by 6.30am, when I woke up again from the pain, I knew that I was having full blown contractions. I also had the urge to go to the bathroom and I knew that it was a very bad sign.

We went to the A&E at 7.30am and I delivered our baby boy at 8.45am. He was kicking and alive on the ultrasound, but HB believes he left us during the labour process. Our baby boy had tiny ears, arms and legs with long fingers and toes, down to tiny fingernails. He had the same chin and nose as his older sister. To us, he was perfect in every way, except that he was born 20 weeks too early.

My gynae does not know why I so suddenly went into labour. Based on the urine sample (that was stained with blood from "show"), she thought that I might have had an infection that triggered the uterine contractions. The swap she had taken on Thurs indicated some bacteria, but she did not think that it was the cause of my going into labour. Medically since I was only 18 weeks along, the whole thing is considered a miscarriage, not a stillbirth and the pain and contractions I had while delivering him without any medication until the last 5 mins isn't considered pre-term labour. I don't know - I mean, I delivered a baby. Surely, the pain of losing that child is the same, no matter at what stage it happened?

After reading more forums online, I suspect that I might have an incompetent cervix, but I'm not entirely convinced. At the 14 week bleeding episode, I specifically asked my gynae if the bleeding could be a case of an incompetent cervix and she said it was not. I am hoping to find out more at my follow-up checkup this week, but I doubt if I will have any definite answers.

Right now, the overwhelming desire in my mind is to recover and try again, even though I know that no other child that we may be fortunate enough to have in the future can replace our baby boy.

I'm turning 36 this year and was already paranoid about the NT scan this time around. I feel that I cannot afford to waste any time since we aren't the kind of couple who can conceive easily, even though I know putting additional stress on ourselves on top of our grieving is not going to help the situation. I also have the fear, like many of you, that the same thing will happen again and I don't know if I'll be able to survive another blow. I admire the strength and courage that some of you have because you've experienced this awful pain with more than one pregnancy.

I am desperately looking for hope from mummies who have managed to conceive shortly after their devastating loss. I know that there are some of you who have had successful pregnancies after. I would appreciate anyone sharing with me when you had your 1st period after and how long it took to conceive subsequently. Hope is the only thing that keeps me going right now. I want him back in my arms so desperately.

Thank you, mummies, for listening.
 
Hi,baby_lang.
I can understand how you feel.
We delivered them through contractions,yet they r not even classfied as stillbirth.
It hurts whenever I think of it.

Today would have be the first day of my maternity leave if Donte is still around.
But Im at work now.
No one knows tis feeling.

I cried so much when Donte just left us.
I cant even tell ppl how is my baby,what happen to my baby.
N whenever I saw ppl who are pregnant,ppl who are with newborns,I feel e urge to cry.

Times really will help,but never will we forget our beloved angels who are in heaven now.
For now,telling ppl about Donte is like telling a story to them.
A special story that no one wish they will have to go through.
But sadly,we have to go thru all these.

My elder boy is the one that keep me going.
Whenever I cry,he will ask me not to.
Without him,i wouldnt have been tis strong.

At times I really hated whoever took Donte away from me,but at least I still have my elder boy to be there for me.
Although Donte left me,he will not grow up like his elder brother,enjoy what his elder brother has,his elder brother would do everything double for him.

Im currently pregnant after having one menses cycle after delivering Donte.
But I duno how would tis pregnancy be like.
How far am I now?
When I went to e gynae,they cant even tell from e scan,it brings fear to my heart that no one understand.
The fear of loss again.

Even though Im pregnant now,seeing pregnant women and newborns still hurts.
Donte would be born anytime from now if he din left us.
No one will replace him in my heart.
No one will.

Even if he already come bk to mi,tis current baby will not be the Him I know.

We will always be here to listen if you need us.
happy.gif
 
Hello Ranice,

Thank you for replying and giving me hope. I hope with all my heart that your current pregnancy will be strong and smooth. I know that you will be worried and fearful; I won't try to tell you otherwise because I know that's exactly how I would feel in your position.

I know how you feel about seeing other expectant mums - it's terrible and a constant reminder of our own loss. It's dragon year with many pregnant women around. I have 3 other family members expecting, one of them with a due date just 1 week away from my boy, who was so suddenly taken away. I will be reminded for the rest of my life of my loss whenever I see that child.

Some of these pregnant family members cannot understand why I don't want to see them, talk to them or even acknowledge their existence right now. How can I pretend to be happy for them when all I want to do is cry and walk away from the glaring reminder of our own loss?

In fact, the way we found out about one of the pregnancies was when we called a family member to inform them of our loss and we were told, "Be careful what you say to XXX. I think she may be expecting." WHAT??? Surely it should be the other way around? That they should be careful what they say to us since we just lost our child? I was very upset that at the moment of greatest need in our lives, family could be that insensitive towards us, but so caring for others who were at the highest point of theirs.

I know I said that seeing expectant mums upsets me, but please believe me when I say that I am truly glad for you because you give me hope and I wish all the best for you for your current pregnancy. Thank you for the glimmer of hope!
 
Dear mummies,

Hugs to all..... I understand what you all have gone through as i have lost my gal one week before her edd 2 years ago. Last month was her anniversary and i still tear when i think of her. Wondering how will she be if she is still around.

Though life has moved on but she will always be in my heart. She is still mummy's dearest gal. For the past 2 years, me and hubby actually bought a cake to 'celebrate' her 'birth'day. I feel that it is meaningful as she is still our child after all and should be entitled to the occasion just like her kor kor.

Just to encourage the mummies here, I have give birth to another baby gal last August. I know the urge to have another one after the loss is very great. Me too feel the same. During the pregnancy, I am very paranoid and worried. Went through all sorts of blood test and get gynae to monitor me closely. Once reached full term at 37 weeks, we induced her out as she is also not gaining much weight. So here i am with a bouncy and cute 8 month old gal.

So mummies, do not give up!
 
Enjel,

Did you go for any sort of blood tests after you lost your gal? Was there any clear reasons of her passing?

I lost 2 boys. My 2nd and 4th pregnancies. One at 37 weeks, the other at 31 weeks. I'm pregnant again now. With my 5th.....

Just went to see Gynae. Scheduled for blood test tomorrow. These are the blood tests I'll be going through.

Antenatal Scree U + Rubella
Protein C
Protein S
Anti Thrombin III
Oral Glycose Tolerance Test
HBA1C Flycosylated Haemoglobin
ACAG, LA & ANF

Scary!
 
baby_lang,
exactly,this year is a dragon year n there are pregnant women everywhere!
It is so annoying!
sad.gif


So many of my friends are pregnant too.
It just hurts so much to know that.

About this pregnancy,I keep quiet.
No one knows other than two other close friends
of mine,not even my parents nor PILs.
Probably will keep quiet till I delivered smoothly.
It just feel too scary to annouce the good news and then I might need to give bad news.

Donte's edd is reaching.
I took leave on that day,
wishing to just 'celebrate' for him.
I guess every year on his edd and his bday,I will take leave/do something specially for him.

At times like these I just wish he is still here.
He would turn 1 month old when my 1st one turn 3 this year.
All the dreams and hopes just shattered.

Enjel,
Doubt we can stop tearing whenever we think of them.

I would probably did what you did on their special day.
Do something special or leaving that day just for him.
They are our children afterall right?

Angeline,Sorry to heard about your loss.
Is there any clear reasons why?

Is sound so scary need to do so many blood tests.
Just wonder is it a must to do for all after having stillbirth?

I dont know why did Donte left me,every tests I did was ok.
No reasons at all.
 
baby_lang: My heart goes to u.. I really understand what u have been thru.. In fact we all knew.. Its not easy...

I lost mine at 25 weeks. Due to either placenta abruption or pre-term labor. You case is so much similar den mine.. IT was hard for me, its been 2 months and 6 days since Castiel left us. During the inital week, crying is all i can do.. I couldn't eat but force myself to. The empty feeling inside my tummy, every morning i woke up with nothing to look forward to, missing the kicks and movement that he gave me when i called out for him, the proud bump i once had.. It jus happened too fast and we all had a hard time accepting the fact.

Its really good tat u can still see ur boy kicking in the U/S. When i got to KK, i see my boy motionless on the screen. No HB.. The feeling i cannot describe.. My guess would be i'm in pre-term labour and my boy was in disstress during e whole process of labour, which i thk might be during e contraction part. As i still do felt soft kicks before i went to KK.

Take ur time and cry when u feel like to.. When u r coping wif ur loss at the same time ur love one are also coping with the loss of ur boy..

I rmb one of the gal here told me that we are the greatest and blissful parents here as we have our little angels watching over us. I felt relieve and comfort, so i hope these words do comfort u as well. =)

Angeline: Sorry ti heard abt ur loss. I dun thk any words can describe what u have been thru but my heart goes to u...

Ranice: CONGRATS!! i'm also in my 2ww now. I haven got back my AF aft giving birth yet but i tested positive for O on 28 & 29 Mar, i suspect i O on the 30th as i felt the O cramp. Finger CROSSED!! Tho i did HPT test the day before and yesterday all turn out to be BFN!! But when i concevie Castiel i can already test positive by today and using the clearblue digital tml i can confirm it. But now i jus dun have the courage to do it again. The disappointment to see the BFN again is jus too overwhelming.

I jus pray tat it is jus too early to test.. Hope i can that BFP soon again.. =)

Re: See Pregnant Lady,

Yes... i do share the sentiments... I felt so uncomfortable seeing the big bumps walking ard me. Tho i do not have relatives or frens annoucing yet. But i felt it will be soon before they annouce it. And i know i sure feel jealous and jus dun feel like hanging out with them anymore. I know it isn't correct but i cant help it.

Anyway, to all mummies who had a loss or losses.. I find these Quotes very meaningful and it really help to confort me, so i hope that these can comfort u gals as well. =)

"How very softly you tiptoed into my world. Almost silently, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footsteps have left upon my heart."

"An angel opened the book of life and wrote down my baby's birth,

Then she whispered as she closed the book, "Too beautiful for earth." - I cried when i saw this. Crying because i really felt so comfort. This is my most favourite quote.

"Some people only dreamt of angels, but, we held one in our arms."
 
Castiel's Mummy,Keeping fingers cross for u!
I din manage to test postive till i miss like one week?

For Donte n my 1st boy,I tested postive on the day I suppose to come menses!

Jia you jia you!
Hope to hear good news from you!

Hope u r feeling much better already!*HUGS*

Im still worry for this pregnancy,e other day I went to scan,it seems empty inside.
Im so afraid is just an empty sac.:'(
Going for another scan tis friday!
*praying hard*

I like most of e quotes.
It gives me alot of comfort but alot of tears too!
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I always cry when I read this too!
"An angel opened the book of life and wrote down my baby's birth,

Then she whispered as she closed the book, "Too beautiful for earth."

My favourite is "Gone yet not forgetten, although we are apart,
your spirit lives within me, forever in my heart."
& "Tiny feet with tiny toes
A beautiful face with a tiny nose

Now a twinkling star shining bright
Forever at peace in eternal light

Love Mummy"

I always tears when I read this thread.
It just hurts to know so many mummies have to go through these.
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Stay strong Mummies!
*HUGS*
 
Ranice:

Ya.. I really felt reat comfort when i read this too

"An angel opened the book of life and wrote down my baby's birth,

Then she whispered as she closed the book, "Too beautiful for earth."

Ya, keeping fingers crossed!! i haven got back my 1st menses yet... so i oso dunno when my AF will be due.. So jus but normal de calculation, 2 weeks later should be able to test le.. =)
 
Baby_lang
Huggs to u..hv a good confinement n eat well...Some mummies try again after the second cycle as it is believed that the womb is v fertile after a mc.
Like Ranice, I agreed that the best is to keep mum about the next pregnancy too till the 2ns trimester if possible.
Take care n build ur your health so tt u can try again soon.
 
Ser: I do agree with u. I'm also thking for the next pregnancy I'm gonna keep quiet till the 2nd tri. Cuz u noe I can't bring mysel to break e news and explain over n over again to those who knew I'm pregnant and at the same time u noe those who loves u will be heart broken to learn e bad news.

I'm staying with my parents so there's no way I not to let them noe.

Baby Lang: if u need us we will be here. It will be easier to get thru when u noe tat u r not alone and there r always pple out here to listen to u when u need it.

Lastly, take as much time as u wanted.. Cry when u feel like to.. There is no wrong.. Take ur time to heal.. *bug big HUGS* to u..
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Enjel: Congratulations on having a lovely baby gal! I loved your idea of celebrating your angel gal's birthday with a cake. I think we will do the same for our angel boy.

Angeline: Your stories made me cry so much. It's so unfair for someone to have to experience this kind of awful pain more than once! Congratulations on your 5th! Keeping fingers crossed for you that all the tests go well.

I didn't get any definite answers for why I went into labour. It could have been an infection - white blood cell count was high in the blood samples they took from me at A&E. Incompetent cervix is also possible, but cannot be concluded at this point. They may consider stitching the cervix if I am fortunate enough to have a next time, but it is not without risks. I keep thinking that my boy was perfectly happy and healthy inside me and it was my body that failed him by going into labour.

I did ask my gynae if I should go for any testing, but she thinks it may not be necessary at this point and leaves it up to me to decide. I don't know, I'm so scared of having to go through this again if I don't get checked for all possible causes. I read that Protein S deficiency test should be done while not pregnant as pregnancy affects the results, so I'm thinking that I should perhaps get tested now before trying again.

Castiel Mummy: Thank you so much for your kind and very comforting words. I cried after reading your quotes. I really like the one with the angel writing in the book. It's now been 19 days since our baby boy left us and I still cry every morning. It's worse when I'm alone. And yes, no more proud baby bump. I feel exactly the same way.

I don't know how I'm going to go back to work next Friday and not break down and cry in my cubicle. How do I face my colleagues who either don't know and may ask how is my baby without me breaking down? To be honest, I'm not sure if the looks of sympathy and pity from those who know will be worse for me.

About regrets, I regret not kissing him. His skin was still so thin, I was afraid that I would damage his perfect little face if I did.

We watched the little box with his tiny body being "pushed" into the chamber. There was no one there to stop us from looking - HB and I were alone at the crematorium, all because of some family members' selfish behaviour and a stupid tradition of no mixing of red and white events. There was no family except the two of us and the employees from Singapore Caskets. It was so ke3 lian2.

I've been forcing myself to eat all the confinement food so that my body will recover soon and we can try again. My skin is literally turning brown from the red/black dates longan tea. =(

I'm paranoid that I'm never going to get my period again or that my cycles will be completely messed up and never go back to normal again. I can't help feeling that time is not on my side, even though my gynae assured me that I'm still "young", citing cases of mtbs that she had/has who are 40, 41 years old. I've never been this anxious to get AF in my life.

May I ask how you know when to test for O since you don't have 1st day of AF as a guide? I usually start testing from day 11 after AF comes. Now I have no idea when to start testing and my temperatures are nowhere near normal.

Hoping that you get a BFP in the next few days!

SeR: Thank you! I'm hoping to start trying once I get my 1st AF, but I have no idea when that will be. I got very worried after reading some other forums of how some other mums took 21 weeks to get their AF after their loss and how some of their cycles got messed up permanently. =(

Ranice: We are all rooting for you that you'll see a yolk sac, fetal pole and strong heartbeat this Friday! I really liked your 2 favourite quotes. We are placing his urn in the niche next week. I think I will read them as well as Castiel Mummy's angel writing in a book quote to him then.
 
baby_lang: My gyane told me that my case might be also due to infection inside the womb that trigger pre-term labour. And he said if its really pre-term labour on it's own, it is more likely to happen on my next pregnancy. So it really fears me. Till now, i had no idea what cause all these for happening.

I totally understand those feeling. I really do. Those empty feeling in my tummy. It really sucks.. But trust me, time will heal everything. As times goes by, you will feel better. Meanwhile, cry when u feel like to cuz when u cried u will feel beter after that.

Yup, those regrets, it will forever be regrets. We can only conpensate it using our next child. Tho it is not the same. I've these tots when i lost my boy, when i have #2 and when it is #2 birthday, i'll buy a small cake for Castiel. It is something that Castiel deserve as much as his sibilings even tho he is not around us any more.

As for the crematory, we was alone there as well. I felt more comfortable to be alone there. I din wan anyone to be there cuz i cna do whatever i wan and cry whenever i wanted to. It was hard to see your own child lying motionless there inside that so small yet so big for him de "bed". Trust me, i really do, its really hard. I couldn't stop crying when i saw him lying in there. I couldn't. However, we are not able to see him being push into the chamber. We are only allowed to be there where the ritual started and end. after that, we cant be there anymore. Even when his ashes were being scartted into the sea, we are not even allowed to be there. It hurts.

Confinement started, everyone keep coming in and tell me this cant that cant. I really freaked out and pissed off. It is already so hard to have a confinement whether a baby. And yet they just keep naggin and nagging. Nagging about i not having 3 meals a day. I woke up around 12+ and reach my aunt place who is doing my confinement around 1+. Little did they know that sleeping is the only time that i wun be thking of anything. Sleeping is the only time that i can get my rest and really switched my brain off. Once i open my eyes, crying is the next to follow.

My face is like shit during confinement. The pimples just keep popping!! Cuz all those food and drink tat we drank and ate are so heaty..

AF, is also what i'm afraid of. I'm so afraid tat she wun appear. I started testing after my bleeding stop. Anywya, the bleeding come and go. Had those spotting kind. Then it cleared then it reappear again a few days later. It is really disappointing. Cuz the next thing u wan in ur mind is the bleeding to stop so we can all try again but seems like it nv stop.

anyway, when we go to the taiwan trip in 11-17 mar. I felt ok physically to have intercourse, not for ttc-ing purpose, u noe.. In fact, i totally had no interest in having sex before tat. No feeling, so scare tat i might have no interest ever since. Then after tat night, the following day, the spotting came back. So i tot i might be the left over blood.

I continue to test for O since i'm in taiwan. I got positive on 28&29 mar. I probably Ovulated on the 30th as i felt those O cramps. Today is my DPO12, for my previous pregnancy, i can already test positive on DPO10. However, i tested since DPO7-10, it all turns out to be negative. It is disheartening. As when i concevied Castiel, we strike on the very 1st cycle. It was easy for us. But i keep telling myself, if 1 day AF never reports, i still stands a chance. If AF nv reports by this week. I'll test again. And if negative and AF still missing i'll go to gynae and take pills to induce and ask for clomid, i dun wan to waste time waiting anymore.

We only have 12 cycles each year, 1 chance each month. Isn't very precious every moment?

Glad that u like the quote, i cried so hard when i read the angel book quote. It hurts but at the same time i felt really relived. Whether a not there are really angels, it just comforts me. Its just like a fairy tale that i wanna believe to make myself feel better.

As for the niche, i wasn't allow to do that. My parents and relatives all object it. They said we are the parents and cant 'bai bai' to them. And u gave them a place to stay but cant go offer them anything. So my side they dun allow. It was sad, there's nothing i can do for him.

It is even harder when their EDD are getting nearer. If Castiel is still inside my tummy, he would be 34 weeks and 5 days. I'm so close to have him. But fact is i'm not gonna have him.

Some days, i woke up and i felt like i woke up from a very bad dream that all these never happen before. It was jus a bad bad dream. But when i looked in the mirror and saw the stretchmarks, its the edvience that he once lived, in my tummy. Sometimes it would be easier to lie to myself that all these nv happened but reality is reality. Castiel does lived once before. He did!

Lastly, take ur time to grief. Its ok to take as long as u wanted. really. I wun tell u to be strong cuz i noe its hard. But time will realy heal. =)

Take care ya, we can keep in contact in u wanted to. Pray hard that i'll get that BFP this week!!!! =D
 
I have a question to ask all the mummies here.
Would you rather ppl ask/talk to you about your angel baby or you rather they dont ask/talk about your angel baby?

For me,
I hope people who will talk to me/ask me about my angel baby.
At least I know ppl rmb him.

" REMEMBERING
by Elizabeth Dent

Go ahead and mention my child.
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime. "
 

Dear Ranice and Castiel's Mummy,

Even though it hurts, I'd rather that people ask me about him. For the same reason as Ranice's.

When others are willing to talk about them, I feel that they acknowledge that he existed. Just because we miscarried them or just because they were stillborn doesn't mean that they don't count or were not alive before.

I know that some of my family and friends feel uncomfortable when I call him by his name, but I will continue to do so because I want them to know that he was a living being too. By pretending that he didn't exist is to me the ultimate disrespect for him and disregard for my feelings as a mother.
 
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