Support Group - Stillbirths

Hi Sweetie,

Oh,u don't have photos of ur little angel.I took photos of her,my sweet little gal.she's so pretty,with so much hair.& her fingers are so long,she takes after her dad.but she's so skinny,coz i think she hasn't put on any bulk,as she left us in early 3rd trimester.i still tear everyday thinking of her.there isn't a day that has passed that i don't think of her.sometimes,i don't know how i'll cope with pregnancy no.2,and i think i may even be unfair to baby no.2 coz i'm still longing so much for my lost angel.

yes,my histology reports blood clot (suspected near the umbilical vein).so it's on the maternal side.

my gynae is Dr.Shamini Nair fr KKH.wow,u must have spent a lot,going to Mt.E.it's 1 of the the more expensive hospitals.i only want to go to KKH or NUH coz these 2 hospitals has the best neonatal care,in my opinion.i'm going to see A/Prof Mary Rauff fr NUH for a 2nd opinon on how she is going to manage a case like mine & i'll decide if i want to switch gynae.it's not that Dr.Shamini is no good,she's young (39y.o),& compared to prof rauff (who's 60y.o),prof rauff would have seen more cases in her time.i completely trust Dr.Shamini & she & i can discuss issues openly,but i juz want to know if the management of my case will be any different in the hands of a more experienced gynae.I'll be co-managed by Dr.Shamini & head of maternal fetal med,Dr.Kenneth Kwek for the next pregnancy.then again,Dr.Kwek is also relatively young.i'll make a decision once i see Prof rauff in nov.her appts are so packed,she only takes 1 new case per day.she also runs a private clinic at Mt.E,but i'm sure the cost is a lot more.considering next pregnancy may be complicated,i'm a bit concerned of the cost at private hospitals.

how well have u moved on,sweetie? seems like we are quite similar,both 1st born,both gals.sigh...my heart still aches,but comparing to when it happened,i'm a lot better.& planning for no.2.stay strong,gal.everything happens for a reason.
 


Hi Monster,

I think i'll need a long time to get over this.. the phobia would probably never go away, while still wondering how/why my little angel died (guess will only get to know the answer when i meet her in heaven). you are one courageous gal to embark on a 2nd attempt. <hugs>

Yes, i do agree NUH &amp; KKH has the best neonatal care (specifically wide-span of equipments). i had quite a bad experience with Mt. E during my hospitalisation.
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I'll be going for a break soon..which i badly needed one.. My heart still bleeds and i would still tear at the thought of my little angel. But i do believe, our tears would get lesser each day..though the heart still aches..
 
Hey Sweetie,

I've tot long &amp; hard abt pregnancy no.2.a dear friend who also went thru' this told me i'll even be neurotic for the next pregnancy.haha.i think i'll be more than neurotic.believe it or not,i've planned wat i'll do,draw a chart to monitor baby's kick every hrly.but all these happen in a sec,so even if i can monitor baby's kicks,it doesn't guarentee anything.

I've also sorted out my tots.if i want another baby,the only way is for me to get pregnant again,no matter how fearful i'll be.&amp; if u think logically,we cannot do anything to prevent this.how do we know when it's going to happen,if it does? i'm sure the 1st expereience took both of us by shock.it just happened out of the blue.so instead of being fearful,y not juz enjoy the next pregnancy that comes along? enjoy the chance of being a mum,enjoy the experience of carry a child in us.

i'm also going for a break.in fact,we've been putting off travelling plans until the baby is born.so the 1st thing hubby asked me after all these happened was,"so do u want to go to shanghai or japan?".haha.men...so i'll be off to shanghai for slightly more than 1 week.this is the 1st trip that i don't feel excited abt,can u believe it? coz my mind is still with my little angel.maybe when we r both flying high up in the sky,we'll see cloud images of our dearest babies
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) no matter wat,my heart aches like crazy.it's an ache that's undescrible.
 
Monster,

wow..u are another night owl.. hehe
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hey, y didn't i think of seeing cloud images of our dearest babies? i must open my eyes wide wide for the entire night, if i could catch a glimpse of her. heh.

Hope the trip will take a small portion of our aches away..

u mentioned about taking up lupus test? Is it SLE profile?
 
Hi Sweetie,

yes,i'm a night owl,&amp; we both know that staying up late &amp; waking up early makes us grow old quicker! haha.I usually stay up to watch shows that someone has d/l-ed for me.

Yes,lupus is SLE profile.Did u get it done too? I tot of my darling again today.I feel very frustrated at the time lost.Age to me,is a big factor &amp; i have planned my life such that no time is wasted.

Sometimes,i'm so excited abt the prospect of a 2nd pregnancy.All the pampering etc.haha...

okie,enjoy ur trip.where are u going?
 
Hi Monster,

Yup, i've done the test already..hehe..turns out negative. dun worry about age..am older than you..sometime, things just don't go according to our plan. <sigh>

I'll be heading to japan
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Hi Monster,
You know when I was reading your postings, I thought I was the one who wrote it. Your feelings are so personal with deep grieving, it brought back memories of how I felt 5 years ago. The fear of living again after such devastating loss. FYI I only went for group gatherings 6 months after my first stillbirth. The only support I got at that time was through this forum. For this I was thankful to ppl who helped me through those dark periods, nicks like folic, tiantian, ocean, linda_thea. My gynae is Dr WK Tan from Thomson Medical Centre. Let me know if you require any info
 
Hi java,

reading wat u wrote brought tears to my eyes.reading anything posted on this thread brings tears to my eyes.i wished none of us ever have to go thru' this.5 yrs have passed in ur case,but the fact u r still reading this just says how much pain the incident has brought to u &amp; how it has changed ur life.i think it has changed all of our lives.

i do not want to avoid gatherings coz i'm afraid ppl will c me as a 'sore loser'.u know wat i mean? coz i can't have a kid,i avoid seeing them with their kids.in fact,when i attend such gatherings (it's mainly hubby's group of friends),i sometimes force myself to smile,to play with their babies.strange as it sounds (don't know if anyone here is as pyscho as myself to put herself thru' this pain),the more i attend these gatherings,the more immnune i get to the stabbing pain i feel.having said this,i mentally prepare myself coz a long time b4 i attend these gathering.

Just this morn,i treated a little gal.made my heart ache like crazy.she was so pretty,wearing a blue dress,hair tied up in pretty blue ribbon.i tot to myself:if only my darling gal could have held on for 2 more mths,i'll have a chance of dolling her up.

java,wat happened after ur stillbirth? was it the 1st baby? did u eventually move on to have healthy babies?

thx for all the support.i'm grieving silently,coz i don't want anyone to c how hurt i still m,coz when they c me like this,they will feel very upset too.i'm getting there,taking baby steps,and i'm proud of my 'achievement' till date.&amp; i'm not losing hope.
 
Hi monster,
You are right. A mother never forgets. Even 5 years have passed, I never forgot the pain of losing my 2 boys. I'll probably remember it till the day I die. My first stillbirth was diagnosed as cord strangulation, so my first gynae did not do protein S check for me. My second gynae did not take any special precaution for me in my second preg, except checking where the cord is during every ultrasound. After the second loss, I did the protein S check. Shortly I got preg again and took asprin and heparin shots. Actually my gynae advised me to stretch my pregnancy beyond 35 weeks since I was on heparin. But I have NEVER gone beyond 35 weeks before and the thought of it fears me alot. So I still decided to deliver earlier through induction at 34 weeks. My son stayed in NICU for 9 days. He is coming to 3 yrs old this Dec.

Do take your time to grieve and for your body to heal and recuperate. Maybe you can go for a holiday? Perth?
 
Hi Java,

<hugs> you are a brave survivor.. Thank you for starting up this thread which brought us lots of support..
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Could i ask, is protein S under Thromphilia test? Or are these two entirely separate thing?
 
Monster, 10 Oct is your gal's EDD and also my firstborn son Nathaniel's birthdate cum death anniversary. I delivered him stillborn at NUH on 10 OCT 2004, a beautiful Sunday morning. On his 1st anniversary, we ordered a bouquet of flowers and delivered it personally to the ward sisters to honour their dedication. If Nat is alive, he would be turning 4, soon to enrol in pre-school
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All my 3 babies who went to Heaven were born on Sundays....coincidence? I choose to believe they were destined to be angels.

No doctors could give me an explanation why my body automatically goes into pre-mature labour despite all the precautions taken, i.e taking baby aspirin to thin the blood, weekly u/s, hormone jabs etc. Histology reports all came back inconclusive.

During my twin pregnancy, i consulted both Dr LC Foong at GE as well as Dr CF Loh at KKH on a weekly basis (imagine the bills I chalked up!). When I was warded at KKH trying to save my twins, the whole fetal maternal team headed by Dr Kenneth Kwek studied my case and tried their utmost to preserve the twins inside the womb. But human efforts still fail.

I agree that going away does help. After Nat's death, we retreated ourselves to Bali for several days just to grieve as a couple. For the twins, I took off to Hokkaido alone (leaving hubby behind as he couldn't take leave) and spent some quiet moments on my own just crying in the hotel room at night and recollecting the entire episode of my 3-month long stay in KKH till the day we cremated our daughter Ashley
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Sometimes I feel jealous too on top of being sad. I wish I can deliver and raise a baby of my own like any other normal women/wives/mothers. I've gone through 2 stillbirths and 1 C-section with no live baby to prove. The pain, excruciating is an understatement.
 
Hi Angel,

I wished i could give you a big big hug. I wouldn't say i can totally understand your pain.. i might lose my mind ..and you came out strong.. <hugs>
 
Hello gals,

Angel,my EDD is 7 Oct.i'm seeing my haematologist on 10 Oct.4 yrs may have passed,but ur pain certainly hasn't lessen.my heart goes out to u.u are really a survivor.i think in yrs to come,i'll always remember the day my darling left us.like java said,till the day i die.

like u,i replay every scene in my mind,the happy times,the things hubby said to baby,the day i discovered i was pregnant,how my baby is so active,kicking all the time,how wonderful it felt to be pregnant.&amp; i replay all the painful moments too,the time i sat in the monitoring room by myself coz hubby was on the way to the hospital,the sms i sent to my mum,how i hugged my hubby &amp; broke the news to him.&amp; i tell u,every time i read a post in this thread,tears juz roll down my cheeks.I can be reading this at work,&amp; the tears still flow.of course,i'll have to control my emotions at work.

today,i took home the book "Farewell,my child" fr my mum's.it has been lying in her house coz i was reading it during my confinement.i refused to let hubby take it home with him &amp; i told him it's coz i want to read.that's huge lie.it's coz my baby's photo is clipped inside the book &amp; i want to look at it every day.&amp; did look at it every day in the 1st mth.sometimes,i force myself not to look at it,but i sucumb,coz i want to memorise every detail of her.i wanted to show my mum how my baby looks (hubby &amp; i agreed not to show anyone except immediate family members),but i tot it's going to dig up painful memories &amp; i don't want to spoil the mood juz b4 a hol.but i'm going to pluck up the courage to show my mum 1 day,coz i want her to know how beautiful her grand daughter is.i cried hysterically when hubby refused to let me look at my baby's photos taken with his phone &amp; threatened to delete it coz he reckons it's going to interfere with my healing.that moment when he threatened was excruciating,coz i want to keep memories of my baby.

has anyone noticed something similar in some of the cases? stillbirth happened more than once!is it a trend? it really worries me.ppl tell me it will not happen again,even my gynae thinks it's so rare.i'm even thinking of suggesting to my gynae/haematologist i want to be on heparin as well.if there is no adverse side effects,i don't see the harm.i'll gladly jab myself everyday!

like u,java,i want to deliver prematurely for my next pregnancy.i have planned how i'm going to take care of myself for the next pregnancy! haha.as if i'm a gynae.well,in an occupation that i'm in control,i can't help it.haha.spoke to hubby on whether he thinks it's good idea to deliver prematurely,he said,"outside the body,can save.inside the body,cannot save."how true.it pains me to know that there is a 80% survival rate of babies delivered at 29 wks.29 wks is still quite premature.i think for the next pregnancy,i'll be paranoid when i get to 29 wks.

&amp; wat's worse is QBE rejected my insurance.coz i know the next baby will be delivered prematurely,i'm concerned abt the cost.sigh.so now,i'll have to slog it out to save enough,juz in case of complications.

Angel,i wonder how u managed ur hospital bills.so how are u &amp; ur hubby coping so far? are u going to try again or consider adoption? i have tot abt adoption in the case i cannot have kids of my own.

u know,this yr,i don't even feel like celebrating my b'day.initially,we have planned to celebrate my b'day together with my baby's 1 mth celebration.this yr,i juz feel like being alone &amp; reflecting the past 27 yrs of my life.the milestones of my life.clinche as it sounds...graduating,getting married,&amp; having a baby,well,almost...i've always got wat i wanted coz i'll fight for wat i want,but this time,a greater being is in control.

okie,i'll need to get packing.work is so bz.it's always like that.i'll only get a breather the moment i step onto the plane.
 
Monster, we were very very lost and bitter after the death of our twins in June last year. We refused to celebrate Christmas and New Year but we knew we had to move on as it hurts our family and loved ones to see us live as zombies.

So we took half a year's hiatus from all conception and pregnancy related pursuits, pondered on our options and on the last day of the year (31 Dec 07), submitted our Home Study Report (HSR) Request to a Family Service Centre to begin a new chapter in our marriage - going down the adoption route.

As we were going through the HSR, we prayed fervently that God will lead the way and open doors for us to adopt a baby to satify our yearning to be parents. Then in Mar this year, miraculously, through word of mouth, we heard of a local teenage mum who would be giving up her unborn baby for adoption and the rest is history. We brought home our darling baby girl in April and we've never felt more fulfilled as a couple. It never occurred to us that adopting a baby can bring us SO MUCH joy (wonder why we subjected ourselves to so many rounds of IVF for so many rounds when we could have just adopted!) . I believe we who have lost children of our own have <u>immense</u> capacity to love others as our own for we would never take any child for granted!

However, I need to quantity that adopting a baby is not to replace those whom we've lost and by no means do we forget the painful losses. Our babies have separate and distinct identities of their own and we plan to tell our adopted daughter 1 day of her 3 elder siblings in Heaven (we even gave our baby the same middle name as her sister Ashley so they share some common heritage).

I hope you'll get a good break on your holiday. Take time to grieve but don't remember to look out for a rainbow...
 
Hi Angel,

Congrats to u &amp; ur husband on the successful adoption.I can sense ur joy.

I juz returned fr Shangahai.it was a good trip.Yesterday was the EDD of my lost darling girl.Hubby &amp; i went abt our daily routine &amp; didn't mention anything abt it.i mentioned abt it a week earlier &amp; he said it was not going to happen,so y think abt it.surprisingly,it wasn't too difficult to get by yesterday.i juz told my baby that mummy &amp; daddy loves her a lot.the only strange thing i felt was when i was writing the date yesterday.i felt a piercing pain thru' my heart.but that lasted only a few seconds.

so yeah,i survived yet another episode.the only thing that i still cannot come to terms with is my aunties going to the states for the birth of my cousin's baby.I don't intend to congratulate them or send my aunts off (as i usually do).i feel bad,but i cannot bear to do it.it breaks my heart.

for now,i'm concentrating on conceiving no.2.that's the only thing that is keeping me going.
 
Hi monster,
*pat pat* for having to survive one of those "dates" and that is the EDD of your girl. We will always be sad on dates like Mother's Day, Children's Day, death date of the child, supposed birth date of the child. If you don't feel like sending your aunts off, then dont do it. You are still grieving and is not ready, so don't be too hard on yourself.

Hi angel,
I'm really happy that you found happiness and fulfillment in your baby girl's adoption. Like monster, I can also sense your immense joy. Enjoy your newfound motherhood!
 
Hi,

The death anniversary of my baby boy will be coming up soon. Will be grateful if any of you can please share on how to have a simple,private affair to remember him?
 
Hi Sticky,

Hmm...did we hear of ur story? Sorry abt the loss of ur baby boy.did u cremate him? for us,we didn't want to claim the baby coz at that time,we considered it a miscarriage,juz that i had to give birth to remove the foetus fr my body.it made us feel better thinking this way.All i did was tell my darling girl how much mummy &amp; daddy loves her &amp; hopes she bless us with more kids.

as much as i grieved,i was very happy i took my girl for hols in my tummy.she couldn't have seen the world,but at least she 'experienced' it.she was also with us when we held our traditional wedding celebrations,when we went on our honeymoon to the maldives,when we went to australia &amp; bought her tons of things.whenever i think this way,i dont' c the need to grief.&amp; i'm very thankful coz of her,i had a chance to feel how it was like to be pregnant (juz in case i cannot have babies anymore).

u know,u'll remember this baby of urs for the rest of ur life,maybe if u don't hold a one day affair,it'll be better for ur healing?? i'm not sure.i'm not sure how i'll feel next yr on the very day.but think positive.that's the only thing that is getting me going.
 
Monster,

We held a private service and cremated him. We placed him at rest in Mandai columbarium. You are right about remembering them for the rest of our lifes. For me there are good days and bad as well. Days when I really missed him so much....

He was born prematurely but healthy. Unfortunately caught a blood infection while still inside an incubator and passed away when he was one month-old.
 
Sticky, today is my firstborn Nathaniel's 4th birthday cum Death Anniversary.
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During his 1st anniversary, we bought flowers and returned back to the hospital where I delivered him to thank the nurses. We revisited the ward where I delivered him - it's sort of confronting my own sadness. We also printed a poem which my hubby wrote for him and tied it to stalks of roses and gave it to our close friend to remind them that we're still grieving and that Nat was not just a fiction of our imagination. Then privately, we bought some helium balloons and released them in Mandai. The sight of seeing the balloons float up to the air is quite symbolic, it's like sending our misses and hugs straight up to heaven where he is...

Coincidentally, our bbs are also at rest at Mandai at Daffodil block Niche #230. If you read my blog, you can see their niche:http://ashleyisourangel.blogspot.com/ I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. You can compile all the precious photos and memories you have of your dear bb son into a journal. We did that and refer to it each time we miss him. Wish could give you a hug right now. It's so devastating to see our bbs ebb away right before our eyes. Only those who've been through it know the extent of our grief...I may have adopted a bb girl now but it does not in any away eradicate my broken-ness and pain as a grieving parent to 3 bbs in Heaven.
 
Monster, when we lost Nat and subsequently our twins, we also had to endure the pain of receiving birth announcement news left, right and centre - seems like everyone we knew or met on the street was getting pregnant one after another (and some even unplanned and unwanted)! Take for e.g. a friend of ours who aborted her twins cos the risks of twins being born premature and having birth complications was too great. Geez...

I remember vividly this incident not long after I lost Nat where I caught my MIL and SIL happily exclaiming away in delight when my hubby's cousin revealed to them that she was pregnant (this cousin has had thyroid op b4 and doc says her chances of conceiving were low.) I had to fight back tears on the spot...inside me, I felt like a bulldozer just trampled over me. How can my loss mean nothing to even my MIL and SIL? How can they rejoice with other people's pregnancy (and they even do it so outrightly infront of me without a thought for my feelings)!! Don't they remember I just a baby? God where is justice? Why must I hear news of pregnancy everywhere when I myself don't have the privilege of sharing such good news with my family and friends? Lord why? Why?

However, despite all the questions, I have since come to accept the reality that the world does not stop spinning just because our bbs have died and no one can truly comprehend the depths of our pain cos they're not in our shoes. All they can say is 'it's God's will, move on' or 'Don't worry, try again, God will bless when it's time'. My MIL even implied to my hubby and I that perhaps we had unconfessed sins in our lives so God thinks we're not ready to be parents!!! Sometimes it hurts me so bad when people close to us make comments like these. But anyhow, Monster, you don't have to feel obliged to celebrate your cousin's bb's delivery. Just politely inform the couple that you're still grieving for your bb and you can't be with them. If they're mature and gracious, they will understand (like many of my friends do when we told them we can't join their baby showers or first month celebrations). Well, if they want to think that we're petty, so be it. We never asked to be in such position in the first place so we're entitled to put our own self-interest first. It's a way of self-preservation.
 
Angel,

i couldn't agree more..You have penned exactly how i felt... gosh..it's really tough when we have so many friends/relatives giving birth at the same time n when they are just celebrating next door while am doing my confinement..it hurts deeply..quoting what u mentioned, the world does not stop spinning just because our bbs have died and they won't feel a single tinge of saddness just becos' it's not the loss of theirs. we know deeply how much it hurts to personally go through the lost of our bbs. The 'well meaning comments', i wished they could just shot me dead right at the spot.
 
Dear ladies,

Everytime i read this forum,i tear.not once have i not teared.it's so heart wrenching.yes,everyone is correct is saying only we,who have been thru' this,can truely understand how much it hurts.

Actually,i wanted to celebrate my baby's EDD by going out to have a good meal &amp; recollecting nice memories of the times she 1st kicked,how active she was,how she did a flip while she was being scanned (i think it's to show off! haha).but i didn't even mention to my hubby coz of the comment he made that it's not going to happen,so don't think abt it.

yah,when such traumatic things happen,the whole world around us seem pregnant! sigh...

All my family seem to be very concerned abt our baby making.they will even tell me when it's time to try again.sometimes,i feel like they are pitying me &amp; i hate that feeling of being pitied.

I got my haematology report today.nothing was wrong.so doctors cannot explain how the blood clot in the placenta came abt.i discussed with the doc on taking heparin for the next pregnancy &amp; she mentioned the risks associated with taking heparin.she said it's painful having daily injections.at the back of my mind,i wanted to tell her i'll do anything to have a healthy baby the next time.wat's an injection for 10 mths? wat's the physical pain compared to the emotional pain i have gone thru? it doesn't even come close.

Java,i understand u had heparin during the successful pregnancy.according to the doc,there is no proven record that it works for ppl without lupus.wat deficient factor did u have? care to share?

Sticky,i'm sorry to hear abt ur story.u must have had a hard time too.it may even have been more painful than my experience coz u gave birth to a healthy baby.all the hopes,suddenly dashed.my heart goes out to u &amp; ur hubby.

Anyway,my aunts have left for the US today.i couldn't even bring myself to SMS them wishing them bon voyage.i feel so bad,coz i'm really close to them.but at the same time,i don't even want to c my cousin's baby.i'm hoping they don't come back for CNY.coz i cannot bear to c everyone fussing abt the baby.&amp; me? i'm left with nothing
 
Hi sweetie,

i think all of us feel the same kind of piercing pain.i wanted to ban all visitors when i was being induced.i hated it when ppl say,"u're young,u can try again." i wanted to slap them in the face.&amp; i still hate it till this day.&amp; i get very mad when friends leave their children in the care of their maids &amp; they go abt enjoying themselves.parenthood is all abt sacrifice.how can u leave a maid to feed ur child,bath ur child,put ur child to sleep! so who is the baby bonding with? they don't seem to appreciate their bundle of joy.&amp; sadly,a lot of ppl do it.if i have a healthy,bouncy baby,i'll sacrifice all i can to bring up the child.only ppl who have difficulty having kids truely appreciate how precious each child is.
 
Monster,

Am also struggling to get over christmas and cny.. i think my heart will bleed.. facing so many new borns, their joy, excitment.. who can ever understand us? yeah, many times, people with healthy babies tend to take things for granted as they have never come across the exact path as us. today while i was in the coach, tears rolled down uncontrollably. I told myself to put her in the special corner of my heart during my holidays..i failed..i missed my baby.

I went to the polyclinic to obtain a referral for the test previously. Did the nurses at the polyclinic refer you to a gynae in the hospital before proceeding for the blood test?
 
Angel,

I had read through your blog and history, I'm so very sorry for your losses. Fortunately I have came to term with my loss but am still grieving. Tears still flow freely on bad days. Flashbacks still occur but less frequent, hurting a lot still nevertheless. My baby is also at Daffodil! I love the idea of releasing balloons! May I know where can we buy these helium balloons?

Monster, Sweetie,

Whenever I come across 'well-meaning' insensitive comments, I just sigh, bite my tongue and remind myself that it is alright coz the world is not fair. So everything is going to be alright again. I felt so lonely during those difficult times as I felt nobody else grieve with us. People don't want to be reminded and associated with unhappy things, ? maybe because they also don't know how to react??
 
Hi Sweetie,

my friend is a polyclinic doc,so she knows my situation &amp; referred me directly to a heamatologist.

Juz today,a good friend came to c me for treatment &amp; brought his daughter.i was abt to go out &amp; greet them when he brought his daughter in to meet 'auntie' (me).i used the excuse that i'm having flu,so she shouldn't come too close to me.after work,i met them around my workplace again.this time,he juz shoved his daughter straight into my arm.surprisingly,it wasn't too heartbreaking to hold her in my arms.never tot i could do that.

it's been 3 mths.many ppl are still 'rooting' for me to conceive.a collegue asked me if i was 'bodily okie'.i said yes,the next thing she said was,"so can start trying again lah.jia you".

i know they all mean well.supposed to expect my period,not here yet,so i bought a pregnancy test kit.to my disappointment,it's negative.either i'm not ovulating at all,or my period cycle is so screwed up after the delivery.sigh.it's the hope of having kids that keeps me going.
 
just sharing:
Midweek Services On 5 And 6 November

Pastor Nerida Walker, founder of New Life Ministries and author of God’s Plan For Pregnancy, will be our guest speaker at our special midweek services in November.

She will be sharing on God’s plan and promises for childbearing in two separate messages aimed at helping married couples. Come and discover what God's Word says about barrenness, miscarriage, conception, pregnancy and childbirth — you will definitely be blessed!

Do attend both sessions as they will be different.
Dates: Wednesday, 5 November and Thursday, 6 November 2008
Time: 7.30pm
Venue: Rock Auditorium
read more about Nerida Walker:
http://www.newlifeministries.com.au/

Contact details:
New Creation Church
3 Temasek Boulevard, Suntec City Mall, #06-001, Singapore 038983
Tel: (65) 6338 4565 Fax: (65) 6338 5190
Office hours: Tuesday to Friday, 10am to 6pm
Email: [email protected]
 
Hi all,

sigh,another friend juz gave birth.her EDD was very close to mine.juz reading a congratulatory msg for another friend to her pierced right thru' me.i juz wish i have a 2nd shot at pregnancy.on my bad days,i still think abt my daughter.i think how our household will be different if nothing had happened.

juz today,went to visit my late MIL's tomb.told her to take good care of my daughter for me.i didn't even say it out aloud,juz said it in my heart &amp; tears started to flow.this is really one of the most difficult time in my life.my life has been perfect in every other way.

I keep dreaming i'm pregnant &amp; each time,it's a boy.i juz wish it came thru'.doesn't matter whether it's a boy or a girl,as long as it's a healthy baby i can carry to full term,i'll be more than happy.

btw,can anyone share how quickly it took u to get pregnancy a 2nd time,for those who had courage to try
 
hi sticky,

u can find those helium balloons at some of the floral shops. i bought helium balloon, stalk of flowers and a family of 3 duckies tied onto a cute little boat and released it into the sea.
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Hi ladies,

I'd like to share something with all of u.Sweetie,this may be of interest to u,as ur situation is probably the most similar to mine.

I went for a 2nd opinion on management of future pregnancy with A/Prof Mary Rauff.She has been recommended to me by a friend &amp; by a collegue during the 1st prengnancy,but i chose to go to KK coz it's more convenient.Furthermore,my MIL passed away at NUH (where Prof Mary Rauff is at) &amp; i tot it would traumatise my hubby to go there so often for antenatal check ups.

However,having consulted Prof Rauff,she shed new light on my case.

1) The blood clot (which my current gynae tot was wat caused the intrauterine death) in the placenta was prob formed after the delivery.

2)there is no way a blood clot can travel fr my vessel into the baby's side as the maternal &amp; foetal circulation is separate.

3) If there was some vascular problem,it would have resulted in growth retardation of the baby,which would be picked up at scans.

Having consulted prof rauff gave me some answers i was looking for.i have been very puzzled all these while how a clot can form out of the blue &amp; kill my baby.i'm also worried this situation may happen a 2nd time when all blood test results returned normal.

U know,walking out of the clinic,my eyes welled up in tears.I seem to have found hope again,now that i know it's not my body that could not support the pregnancy.I felt relieved,i felt happy.

I'm glad that i persisted in searching for answers i wanted.I'm glad i took the initiative to seek a 2nd opinion.&amp; prof rauff's management of my future pregnancy is very different fr my current gynae's.she's a lot more careful,she has more experience than my current gynae.she must have seen more coz she's also a lot older than my current gyne.I think for the next pregnany,i'll change gynae to prof rauff.her charges are quite reasonable too.it's juz that she's so fully booked that i must suit her time.with my current gynae,there's still some leeway to change appts.it's not that my current gynae is no good,she has probably seen less than someone older.

Okie,i hope this brings some hope to all of u out there who is still trying.i am too.&amp; i never lose hope.
 
Monster,

Am glad that you have found relief. I went to NUH few days ago for the blood test though no blood clot was found. The gynae read my record and asked how is my hubby and i coping, it must have been difficult, etc.. My tap went cranky again. It was the first time that i've met such an empathetic person/gynae or should i say someone who is willing/brave to rake up the 'sensitive' topic and has to handle/face my crying? I felt so much better after that. Finding someone to talk about my experience is difficult. People do not want to rake it up/ pretending nothing has happened or even tried to avoid in person. They do not know how to handle such situations, which i understand. sometimes, it hurts..

i wanted to ensure all was well before am emotionally ready to embark into 2nd pregnancy. It was heavily subsidies..thank you for the info on the referral.
happy.gif
Deep down inside, am still eager to know what causes her death (no mummy can accept a death with no reason found, not even the basic symptoms of contractions, etc.) Hehee, i guess my heart will never die till i know the answer.

Is Prof Mary Rauff charges on the higher end?
 
Hi Sweetie,

juz today,a collegue's dog died &amp; she was crying.she's a very strong person,usually a no nonsense lady.Made me think of the magnitude of things.it's nothing compared to the death of my darling girl.&amp; of course ur girl too.tears swelled up in my eyes,but of course i was at work,so i had to try very hard to control my emotions.

Sometimes,i feel it's better for ppl not to pity me.i don't like that 'poor thing' kind of look ppl give me.

i think i will wonder wat happened to my darling until the day i die.&amp; i know i'll never find out.but i'm glad,as prof rauff suggested,there is nothing wrong with me.that means my body is able to support a pregnancy.i guess u can never be ready emotionally.coz for the next pregnancy,u will be paranoid abt things,ppl will fuss over u,making things more difficult for u.ur fear will be monstrous.mine will be too.i know that.but let's be strong.if we don't try,we won't gain anything.if we try &amp; (touch wood),this happens again,we can only say it's fate playing a trick on us.

I paid $60+ for prof rauff's consult.i think it's reasonable.i can understand ur concern w.r.t cost.i'm concerned abt it too.but i think our case is now unique,we cannot afford to take any chances.i will prob consult prof rauff as my gynae,then if blood tests are required,i will go to the subsidized haematologist.coz i already know wat tests need to done.i will have to repeat the thrombophilia test,which w/o subsidy, will cost a few hundred $$.with subsidy,it only cost $97.

i can guarentee if u c prof rauff,u'll feel safe in her hands.i feel she spares no detail.she asked abt everything,she knows wat to look out for etc.she is very experienced (well,she's already 60 at least).

if u do decide to consult prof rauff,make the appt early.her appts are very fully booked.the earliest appt given (i made last mth) is end of nov.there happened to be a cancellation,so they asked i if i wanted to take the appt.of course i will!

&amp; also mention to her that i intro u,that u had a n IUD so that she can compare our case &amp; c if she can spot any pattern etc to prevent reoccurence.
 
Hi ladies,

I'm wondering if anyone can share.I'm preparing myself for attempt no.2.I pray that it will work out.it seems the incident happened so long ago,but it's not even 3 mths.going to be 3 mths soon.But i'm eager to try again.Everytime i c hubby's friend's photos with their newborns &amp; wat proud daddies they are,my heart bleed.coz i know hubby would have been a very loving father as well.&amp; he was looking fwd to the arrival of our gal as much as i was.

But like everyone of u,i fear the worse will happen again.both gynaes tell me it's very rare for it to happen a 2nd time,but the tot of it happening again makes my stomach churn.

Java,
Can i ask u how come u only had heparin for the 3rd pregnancy (the successful one).were u protein S deficient? i'm fine,thrombophilia test returned negative.gynae said heparin does more damage than good.so no heparin will be given.

how did anyone of u mentally prepare urself for attempt no. 2? &amp; how did u cope with the pain the 2nd time round? it must have killed.juz thinking of it,i feel the pain already.

I really don't know.i'm very fearful.fearful of the hurt.but yet,i'm motivated by the tot of having kids.it's such a dilemma.i can't imagine how it can happen to someone twice (java &amp; jasmum).I'm talking abt IUD,not so much in angel's case like premature cervical dilation.coz i didn't have that happen the 1st time,so it'll prob not happen to me.but the mysterious death of my baby...
 
Hi monster,

I only took heparin in my 3rd preg becos my first stillbirth was diagnosed as cord strangulation by my first gynae, thus my 2nd gynae managed my 2nd pregnancy the same as a normal preg. But when it happened again in the 2nd preg, my 2nd gynae knew the first diagnosis was incorrect and sent me for further testing. I had protein S deficiency, thus took heparin shots during my 3rd preg. Low weight molecular heparin will be given during pregnancy and is very safe as it does not transmit to the foetus. The only damage to the maternal body is the depletion of calcium, so you need to drink lots of milk and take calcium pills to prevent the "damage".
 
hello Monster,
trusting and praying...
happy.gif

just let nature takes it's course... after resting up my body for at least 6 cycles. then slowly start trying.
my first stillbirth was in 12/06/06 and only 30/08/07 i found out i was preg again... but as mentioned lost it on 23/01/08 (2nd stillbirth).

i am still taking aspirin and folic since 26/05/08 given by Dr. Tan... have been trying (again) but 'no news' yet and i am already 37yrs old. <blush>
i am really resting upon my Faith as i know i cannot be anxious as it's added stress. DH is also having peak-period at work... so must say the past mth due to ds' having exam and DH's work, we also didn't try very hard lah... heee...

Java,
my docs also happened to "discourage" heparin leh...
but they already said, IF get preg. then they'll "case-study" me... so nothing can be said firmly now on how to administer, etc...
ohh... so happened recently, my dad had a blood screen/test done - i took a copy of his report and showed my doc and his report is good also - clean bill of health.
(fyi not sure if i have mentioned before - i am of mixed parentage - my dad is sikh and my late mum was a chinese, so just thought since my dad got his blood tested, mighty as well let my docs file his report into my data... after all, some studies have shown that 'blood disorder' do arise from mixed parentage)

Monster,
hmm...did you mention about taking 'aspirin' now as a precaution to Prof Mary Rauff ? but then again - different people / different doctors handle stuffs differently, so it's good to have an 'open-mind' also and try to relax, trust and let that 1 doctor handle.
happy.gif


anyway, i personally don't think that i can avoid "fear"... but when i am "fearful" and "down" i do pray and let that peace settle in. i am not working so i do try to keep active to keep my mind busy and let not those 'ugly' thoughts and fear into me... and when i do see a baby - i just smile and move away. it's hard - but it's just that moment and it'll pass when i move away.

take care dearie.
 
Hi Jasmum,

maybe u'll like to suggest to ur gynae doing a thrombophilia test in early pregnancy &amp; a glucose test.this has been suggested by prof rauff.coz she say the result of the thrombophilia test may turn out differently during pregnancy.this is coz now she can't find a cause for the stillbirth.it's unlikely the blood clot that caused the intrauterine death.

hmm...u're so lucky.not working.i wish i can stop work altogether when i get pregnant.durign the 1st pregnancy,i was really tired all the time.+ stress at work constantly,no time to even go toilet,it really took a toll on me.but can't.the money is impt for me to maintain my lifestyle.haha! it's better now coz my big wedding is over,i've travalled to where i've want to travel already,so not spending so much.may cut down work time when i get pregnant next.still trying.very difficult leh.timing wise.my silly hubby always tired after work.he works till very late.if not,i'm not available.either i'm super tired too or sick.when i was pregnant,i was in the pink of health.after pregnancy,everything came on! haha.1st,had persistent cough.recovered already.then had a bout of food poisoning.was in the bed the whole long wkend.hubby asked me whether i was pregnant coz i was constantly throwing up.how to be pregnant when i'm bleeding like a tap down below! haha

so for now,i'm juz keeping my mind open &amp; trying my best.sometimes,these things are not wiithin our control
 
oops typo!! my 1st stillbirth was 12/07 (july not june) <sorri>

Monster, its so funny - when one is working - one would think "it's always greener on the other side"
hee... i 'quit' the workforce in 2004 and so far it's been good but socially i must say - it's been tough, not being able to catch up with friends anymore. as they are all working and over the weekends are basically everyones' family-day... even when want to meet them for quick weekdays lunches, also have to depend on my son's schedule and fit-in.
then there are chores to be done and it never ends lor...
- honestly being a homemaker is much more demanding - 24hrs on call leh... especially when someone is sick at home... =P
but of course, it's indeed fruitful to be there for my son and hubby lah... but yes, indeed a big cost-cutting lifestyle the family must be ready to make and accept.

i will take note and let my docs know about the thrombophilia test, IF i do get preg. again.

hey, you better take care. there's a nasty flu/coughing bug around, i was down with it the past 2 weeks... and the weather as usual doesn't help at all... wet and hot... *sigh*

do watch your health first, eat well and rest well... and do stuffs that makes you happy
happy.gif

cheers.
 
Hi jasmum,
The heparin I'm referring to with respect to the treatment of blood clotting issues in pregnancy is low molecular weight heparin (LMWH). Some gynaes do give LMWH to their patients, but I would advise you to see a haematologist (someone who specialises in blood work) for close monitoring. I saw a haematologist in SGH who administered LMWH (product name is clexane) to me starting from 14 weeks of pregnancy. I had to go to SGH every 3 weeks for blood testing to make sure my platelet count is at a normal level. Also I had to make sure I don't get cut, coz the wound may not heal so easily.At the same time I would go to see my gynae every month to monitor the baby's heartbeat. At 21 and 33 weeks of pregnancy, I went for a detailed scan with doppler scanning to monitor the blood flow in the umbilical cord. When nearing my danger zone (33-35 weeks), I made sure I stay out of crowded places and drink lots of water to keep my body system peaceful and calm. Meditation also help to keep my emotions in check and in a positive frame of mind. No doubt I had my fears, but you know motherhood is full of fears, from the time of conception, you worry for your child. Even when the child grows up to adulthood, you still worry for him/her. Just tell yourself you have done your best, leave the rest to God.
 
Hi ladies,

pls allow me to pour out my soul tonight.i'm sure some of u will be able to identify with this.a very close cousin whom i grew up with juz had a baby.all my aunts flew to US where he is based.life is so cruel,i'm sure all of u will agree coz we had this shitty thing called stillbirth happen to us.my cuz's daughter was born on the same day as me! my b'day! everyone was so excited,kept ringing me,sms-ing me.sent me pics.i tried to take it calmly,tried to ignore it,but it proved too much for me.i sent out a very mean sms to them,but it certainly made me feel a lot better.i told them i cannot be happy for my cousin,so don't tell me anything abt his baby.u know,i was tearing each time i sent out 1 of these sms.the tap juz came on.it flowed freely.&amp; i was at work! had to try to hide.not nice to let collegues c,though i'm sure they will understand.i feel like a jealous,sore loser.but alas,as strong as i try to be,my emotions proved too much for my frail human soul.

i'm very surprised at wat hubby did for me,&amp; i'm also very grateful for his actions.an uncle tried to ring me many times coz he was so excited my cuz's daughter &amp; i r going to share the same b'day.i felt super irritated.so i confided in hubby &amp; he rang this uncle to explain as much as everyone is happy for my cuz,we r grieving over our loss..i tot hubby will chide me for not getting over this matter.

but the sad thing is...he always claims he's over it,handling it very well.i juz found out that he's also juz coming to terms with it.i was grumbling y he has no interest in procreation,&amp; he said he's very afraid of it happening again.all the waiting,all the anticipation.i always tot it's me,coz previously,he'll say if it happens again,i cannot handle it etc.as much as i verbalise my grieve,i cry,i'm prepared for no.2.coz i know,if i don't go thru' this,i'll neva had a baby,coz i didn't even try.if it happens again,i'll cry again.i'll kick,i'll scream,i'll be depressed,but i'll survive.i'm also very fearful,but wat to do? i really want a child i can call my own.

life is so cruel,hor? the whole fam is celebrating,except me.&amp; it hurts more when a close family member has a baby close to the time ur supposed EDD.it's so painful.i don't want to show the world my pain,but when i talk abt how i don't want to know anything abt cuz's baby,tears flow.my mum cried too when she saw my tears.my cuz's sis teared too when she saw me today coz she's 1 of the ppl i sent the nasty sms to.looks like pain is written all over my face.but i cannot help it.i miss my little girl,we had so many plans for her,but god had a greater plan.it's such a pity.i feel so sad.&amp; i deliberately attended a course today coz i couldn't bear to be at a kiddy's b'day party,when everyone is celebrating &amp; showing off their babies.sigh...i can't tell this to many ppl coz i don't know how they will react to it.so this forum is a very good outlet for me to share,coz only all of u won't say i'm a sore loser/jealous person to be reacting this way.
 
Hello everyone,

this thread has been quiet for a while.i guess that's a good thing coz that means no new stillbirths.

Sweetie,how have u been coping so far? ur stillbirth is closest to mine.have u been trying?

I'm so fed up &amp; sick &amp; tired of trying.hubby's not very co-operative for some reason.can't communicate with him,so i keep missing my fertil period.I don't miss it completely,but i'm not maximising the opputunities.been toying with the idea of IVF or assisted fertility.I guess i juz don't want to waste months of chances,since hubby's being an asshole.told him honestly,discussed,persuaded,he finally opened up to the idea of IVF.

I conceived on my 2nd mth of trying for the 1st baby,so medically,i should not have a problem.not sure if the docs will take on my case.hopefully they will.I'm a bit scared.haven't started,but i'm going to get down to it.i'm going into unchartered territory here &amp; i'm walking all alone.i'm so disappointed in my hubby,i can't count on him anymore.seriously.sometimes,i think i'm holding on coz i want a baby.

Angel,was is an easy path? can u give me some idea? i've read abt it.i'm preparing myself emotionally &amp; financially for it.i need some support!
 
Hi sweetie,

I tried to PM u a while back,but u are not accepting private msgs.

My email is:[email protected] can also find me on msn,but u'll need to identify urself coz i won't be able to tell fr the e mail add.

I am "recovering" well.slowly getting my zest for life back.But i still tear when i speak of my little darling whom i've lost.It's a long rd ahead.it's certainly not easy.I've been trying w/o any results &amp; it has been frustrating.esp since hubby has different ideas.I not only have to deal with my emotions,i have to convince him to try again (&amp; this happens on a monthly basis,so can u imagine!) coz he said he cannot deal with another blow like this.

email me or we can chat on msn.
 
Hello Java &amp; everyone else,

HAPPY NEW YEAR.yes,hope 2009 will be a better yr for all of us.

i'm starting 2009 on a better note already.i'm still trying for a baby,it's been 5 mths since the stillbirth.I've used an ovulator kit so that i don't keep guessing when i ovulate &amp; it's not so frustrating coz u juz don't know when to do it.i must say when u're trying for a baby,unfortunately for me,sex is no longer for pleasure.so sad,hor? it's for a purpose.i was very frustrated for a while coz my hubby certainly wasn't on the same note as i was.that's so sad too.but on 31 jan,i said i want to give up trying already.&amp; i think it hit home badly,and his attitude changed all of a sudden.he started telling me my horoscope said 2009 is a good time to have babies.men are like that,aren't they?

i read in the newspaper the other day &amp; there were these 2 words "departed angels" &amp; my tears started flowing.the pain is still there,but i'm mananging life a lot better.bumped into a friend this morn,ended up having breakfast with them.surprisingly,i managed to play &amp; even carry their young daughter w/o feeling any pain.is that a sign i've sorted out my thinking &amp; emotions? or has time lessened the pain? but i'm glad i'm now ready to 'face the world of babies'.Everyone in this forum has been very supportive.thank u.&amp; i managed to make it thru' all thanks to my good buddies who have been constantly been my listening ear.

m ready to move on coz yesterday,i opened the baby's cupboard &amp; i ramaged thru' the stuff w/o shedding a tear.i'm so proud of myself for it.i'm ready to sell all the stuff,though i'm a bit reluctant coz they are really so beautiful.all branded &amp; so cute.but better than leaving it &amp; the clothes turning yellowish,right?

okie,if anyone of u knows of anyone who wants to buy baby's clothes &amp; shoes,pls drop me a PM &amp; i shall get in contact.

for those out there who are trying (i think it's only me! haha),stay focused &amp; strong.
 
Hi,

I'm sorry to dig out the devastating memory ...

I've recently lost a pair of twins and still trying to 'recover' from the grief. But i would like to find out how did your husband 'get over' the loss. I know most husbands wld appear to be strong for the wife but deep down they are equally upset.

Anyone can share or suggest how should I help to console my husband?

Thanks.
 
Hi Kel,

I am sorry about your lost. I am also surprise that you appeared to be stronger than your husband.

My suggestions to you is to go through and 'recover' this grief together. Talk it out and find comfort in knowing that the 2 of you will go through this together. A oversea trip together will work just fine too.

I had stillbirth in 2004. My daughter should have been 5 years old this year. In the beginning, l was so traumatised by the lost that I started blaming my husband for not even upset or crying about it. This is all not true. Yes, they are trying to be strong for us. They are going though the same grief, but their grief will have to be hidden because of us.

I won't say things like you will get over it..cos deep down in my heart, I've still not got over it. I've 2 boys after my stillbirth, but they will never be able to replace the daughter I lost. Time will not heal but your pain will be lesser as you continue your life. Take care. I can be reach @ [email protected] during office hours, if you need anyone to talk to.
 

Hi Sereneoh,

Ya ... I agree that "time won't heal" ... i've tried to 'get over it' but apparantly, it's extremely tough. I believe, like you, i will still miss my 2 boys that i've lost till end of time.

Actually, i'm also just appearing to be strong but deep inside, absolutely no lor. Sometimes, i wish all these never happen. We were all so looking fwd to the twins and then *Game Over*

btw, added u on msn
 
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