Support Group - Mid Term Termination Of Pregnancy

Dear elise31,

I'm sorry to learn about what happened.My heart goes out to you & your family.It's going to be a tough time for you.I lost Chloe 4 years ago,and until today,I still think of her EVERYDAY.After 5 pregnancies and only 2 successful ones,I am a mother to 2 boys.

Like your case,mine was totally unexpected.I woke up one day to find that my baby died.That's it! And it changed my whole life.No one can understand that sort of piercing pain when I see friends' kids. For abt 1 whole year,I tried and tried and longed so badly for a child of my own. Along the way,we lost a few friends ,but I also gained some new friendships.This is how life changing the whole episode is! When I was pregnant with my 1st son,paranoia set in.I even.bought a home doppler to monitor the baby's heartbeat many many times a day.Sleeping seems like a crime,as I do not know if I wake up the next morn,will my baby still be alive.to keep myself awake for as long as possible as night (when it was close to the time I lost Chloe),I'll read and read and read until I am exhausted.4 hours of sleep nightly was already a scary thought.this was the same case when I was pregnant with my 2nd son.I will do anything to ensure my baby is alive,though I know deep down inside that all these are beyond mine & my gynae's control.my gynae saw me weekly in the 1st & last trimester.

When I lost Chloe,I didn't have any kids then,so I am not sure how to advise you coz you still have 2 boys who needs you.I cried every single day.and till today,when I think of Chloe,I still cry.those friends whom we lost never understood the kind of pain.it's unlike a miscarriage where it happens to 25% of the cases.I had 2 miscarriages and it hardly affected me as I accept it's a natural selection process.but a loss in 3rd trimester? I am nearly a mother already,and this role just slipped away suddenly.

I really feel for you,as you were already in labour.You will never forget,but you will move on.it takes time to move on,but you will,one day.it's when this one day will come.it took me about 1 year to move on.it's a gradual process and those new found friends who unfortunately also went thru what we went thru,were really pillars of support.

Give yourself time,lots of it.cry if you must.I cry silently in the night,usually when I'm alone at the computer or reading.come in here to share your thoughts if you must.block out all comments like,"you already have 2 kids" or " you can try again".

Losing a child is unloke losing a parent/sibling/relative.at least with those people,you already spent time with them and did stuff with them.losing an unborn child is like losing all hopes,all dreams.you didn't even have a chance to experience life with him/her,didn't have a chance to do all the rings you imagined/talked about doing wirh him/her.though some closer relatives understood my pain fr the agony showed on my face,I think the intensity of pain they understood was only 10%.only someone like us can totally comprehend this senseless pain.

You will see the light at the end of the tunnel one day.it's only when your one day will come.take care
 


Dear monster,

Thanks for your kind words.

I really dunno what happen, I have been pregnant for 3 years and every pregnancy I carried them to week 39 at least with no problems. I dunno how could this tragedy happen. I have so many what ifs in my mind, what if I csec her out, will she be fine? What if this what if that? But I know at the end of the day she is gone and will nvr be back.

Doing my confinement now and I keep thinking how nice if she is around, how nice if this if that. I had so many things prepared for her arrival, I yield for a gal every since I got married. Imagine my joy when I found out she was a gal. I look at her photo daily, she is just so perfect so cute, why did God take her away? I could look after her well, give her a good family, why didnt she stay?

I am finding comfort in my 2 boys and my hubby. But I still feel very very sad. I know I have to move on. My gal (Ashley) is already gone, there is nothing I can do. But it hurts, no words can describe the pain.

And deep inside me I can't wait to try for another pregnancy, I am still young I can still afford to try but I dunno if I have the courage. Gynae told me to rest preferably a year as I have csec.

Why is reality so harsh? Why do we mothers have to suffer this kind of pain?
 
Dear all, I have been a silent reader since I was pregnant in mar2012.That was my 1st pregnancy. The amino confirm my son with DS and I terminated at 18 weeks in aug 2012. I am now pregnant again and at my 12/13 weeks. The cvs fast track results show T18 Edward syndrome. I am devastated.

How can it happen to me twice? My doc says he can still do a D&c for me at 13weeks. Can anyone share with me their experience? I don't have the strength to do a natural birth like last time.

I have thoughts to carry my baby to full term still though I know survival chance is low.
 
Dearest all,

Im here to share the story of my little bb angel. I Today is 9th April and it is exactly one month that i lost my baby angel.

My husband and i married for more than 2 yrs. We TTC naturally but fail. Without wasting time as i already 35, we went through all blood test, HSG, TCM and SA. All my test results ok but hubby's SA has poor motility. Gynae suggested us to try our very first IUI. 2WW waited and bHCG showed it was positive. We were so excited that we had our very first potion. EDD 29 Aug 2013.

I had a very smooth pregnancy experience with no morning sickness. i able to eat and sleep well. i was so blessed that i never suffered. We always looked forward to every check up. that was when we could hear the very first heartbeat. i still could remember the magnified heartbeat soon. Our gynae asked hubby to record every progress of our little one

But nightmare started during week 13, My bb failed the OSCAR test at week12 with T21, T18 and T13 in ratio of 1:2. 1:13 and 1:21. The whole world seemed like collapsed. I broke down in gynae office. i could accept this happened to us. I was advised to wait till week16 to do amniocentesis. While i was scheduled to do amnio at ard week17. The waiting game had started. It was really really torturing. We cried almost every night.

Due to emotionally and physically tortured, we decided to seek for 2nd opinion. We went to DR Ananda from Camden Medical Centre. He is antenatal professor. He did a genetic scan for my bb. My bb had Alobar holoprosencephaly. It means it is a rare congenital brain malformation in which there is failure of complete separation of the two hemispheres. My bb's brain were filled with fluid in stead of brain. Survival rate is low. Even i decided to bring bb to full term. bb would be severely handicapped. As a parents, how would u feel when your bb suffered like that!!!!!!!. THAT WAS THE MOST HURTFUL AND PAINFUL MOMENT I EVER HAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!!!!. A nurse approached me, she held my hand and whispered to me " GAL, IT'S GOOD THAT TO HAVE A LOUD AND GOOD CRY" My hubby and i hugged each other and had a devastating cry!!! i kept saying "DEAR, OUR BB IS GONE!!!!" Now, I'm tearing while writing and recalling that moment.

The very next day, i was admitted to hospital. Started with first dosage of cyotec. My waterbag was ruptured 3 hrs later. When the first sharp pain stroke me, i was injected with morphine then followed by 2nd dosage of insertion. Pain diminished. Bleeding started after 3rd, 4th and 5th dosage. i lied on bed for more than 24 hrs with no contraction pains. i was asked to continue bed rest I was on antibiotic oral and drip as doc worried that i would suffer from womb infection.

I waited till 9 plus, i had the urge and asked for back pan. During the urinating, i felt bb was coming out. Frankly, i didnt push at all. BB was simply slipped out and dropped on backpan. i shouted hubby not to come in and asked nurses for help. I cried, cried and cried when bb had separated from me and brought out from the room. That was the very last moment i could feel the warmth of my bb. i could roughly gauge my bb size as bb brushed between my inner thigh before bb dropped into backpan. BB was around palm size. Hubby and i had our very last devastating cry to bid farewell and wish our little one can reborn to a healthier and happier bb

Frankly, hubby and i do not have the courage to see our bb for the very last time and knowing of bb sex. No matter what, we will acknowledge bb as our very very first baby. U will be always be remembered forever and ever in mummy and daddy. Thanks for bringing a wonderful 4 months to us.
 
Amy, I am sorry for the loss. Hope you will get a healthy baby in your next pregnancy soon. God wants to reward you with something better.

One of my pregnancies wasnt smooth too, but I didnt take OSCAR.

Baby was diagnosed with brain abnormality at 20 weeks... But fortunately, she survived.
 
I'm in my 16 wk and my baby is diagnosed with DS. Rational side of me tells me to terminate this pregnancy, I feel so so bad. I have no courage to look after a DS baby nor to put my whole family into the responsibility of taking care of him. I couldn't imagine him growing into adulthood being alone, outcast by the society when both of us grow old and left him. I couldn't imagine putting all responsibility on my eldest daughter, looking after her DS brother in future.
I feel sorry I have to selfishly end my pregnancy.
 
I do feel the sadness as i had ectopic pregnancy before. I still feel miserable when i tought of it,cos it kept me wonder what was its gender. It happened 5years ago. I even dream and imahine until one morning, i found peace at that instance because i "visualise/imagine" that fetus had been reborn with seeing the forceps,etc in a delivery room. That, i told myself to stop grieving and accept the illusions as true..

I am very frightened to open up to read this thread today, but i braved myself to scroll through the threads noe...i don't wish to read every piece above...but i feel i want to,shed some lights or tips to whoever still like to give chance to conceive successfully.

I came accross this product of -ve ion with far infrared rays. I just heard from them that it helps them to conceive...if you want to lis5en to it, pls pm me to bring you over to listen from them..i sincerely hope this product can somehow help you.
 
Hi Alicia,

How r u now?? i guess every mummy in this thread knows how u feel as we went through the path... i saw your previous post at "Bad Oscar Results". Very sad to hear that.

To all mummies who lost their love,

MIRACLES HAPPEN TO THOSE WHO BELIEVE. IF U BELIEVE IN SOMETHING WITH YOUR HEART AND MIND. YOU WILL BRING IT TO LIFE.
 
hi brave mummies,

what a sad thread to revive. i finally found the right thread. i was beginning to feel like the single suay one around, to have a miscarriage late at 18-19 weeks. since its most common in 1st tri. not helped by my gynae's line "yours is indeed rare, i havent had a case like yours for years". like, thanks, i needed to hear that.

ive been reading backwards to 2010 and your stories break my heart. so many of you are so brave, i cannot compare. while each miscarriage is devastating to each, regardless of when, how can one truly empathize with the agony of losing a completely formed child in mid and later trimesters?

Has anyone had a Missed Miscarriage? This is my case. Natural pregnancy, smooth sailing all the way, outstanding Oscar results, and then, at my week 20 routine scan, there it was on the screen, the awful realisation that something has gone horribly wrong. My baby is no longer recognizable. I cant make out its head, or legs, or heartbeat. My baby has died in my womb, at least a week ago. This visit was supposed to be the detailed scan that will determine its sex. With hubby's support, I stumbled out of clinic in a daze, and into the sunlight of a regular saturday afternoon, where the world continued as per normal, whilst my entire world has collasped.

I spent the weekend saying bye to the baby, caught between pain and fear; fear that I will start to miscarry and pass the baby out in a pool of blood in the toilet. Im not as brave as some of you, to choose natural labour. I opt for D&C, and even then, it was a private hell of 5 hours of pain while labour was induced to open the cervix. There was still the incessant diarrhea, there was still the messy blood, there was still the pain. except i have no baby to look forward to. I still have to do confinement, my back still aches from the labour. The whole experience was traumatic, to say the least.

Its been a week, im emotionally more stable, but i think about the lost baby every single second. Last thing i sleep, first thing when i wake.

I have a few questions:
-since our babies are in advanced state, cannot abort like usual. Some sort of labour has to be induced. Did you feel that the pain was unbearable? I was in so much pain, even with a painkiller inserted in the anus.

-can anyone recommend a gynae that is well versed in high risks pregnancies / recurrent miscarriage? I am 37 and i know time is running out.

A miscarriage is truly heart-breaking, the deepest of pains. My heart goes out to all of you and I wish all of you well and to many more healthy pregnancies.
 
Hi female,

Very sorry for your lost. I totally feel for u. A lost is a lost, no matter from 1st, 2nd or 3rd tri. I hope u feel much better now. 2 months ago, I lost my little baby angel. Although my life is back to routine. But like what u said, the first thing comes into your mind before or after sleep is my lost angel. Though i lost my angel but I'm very sure my angel will embark to a better route and free from sufferings.

My grief is still going on at times esp when i'm alone or seeing any pregnant mummies. Frankly, I have a few friends who are pregnant and their EDD are just a month after my angel. I try not to keep contact with them or hide them from my FB timeline. I can say out loud that I'm a damn big sour grape. They got conceive naturally while i conceived mine through IUI. I will do whatever can make myself in a comfort zone. When the time i feel like crying, i will just cry out loud esp at this grieving period.

Now, I felt much much better. I stop asking myself Why Why Why its me.... i put my full concentration in nursing back my body as D&C is an invasive procedure. I go for TCM as my menses go haywire after the procedure. I will give myself 3 months before TTC again.

Female, regarding your Ques, based on my experience.
- I was being induced during cyotec. I felt a sharp pain only when my water bag ruptured. I was injected morphine and pain gone. I waited more than 24 hours later. my baby simply slipped out

- I guess NUH has a special unit for recurrent miscarriages.
http://www.nuhgynae.com.sg/wbn/slot/u2349/Articles/Recurrent_Pregnancy_Loss_brochure.pdf
 
Dear female,

My heart goes out to you and your family. And my heart bleeds with yours because I can feel your pain.

I woke up one day to find that my 27 week baby in utero was dead.Yes,just like that ,my life changed FOREVER. I am not the same person I am anymore.My perspective on kids and my priority has changed.My hubby thinks I am slave to my 2 kids that I have now.I told him I gave my life to have both of them.

5 years, 5 pregnancies, and only 2 successful pregnancies. I told my gynae I have been thru' almost all sorts of pregnancy complications, except an ectopic pregnancy. And she agreed.

For the 1st month after I had the stillbirth, i cried every night silently.I never knew I had so much tears! the days that followed were tough. Ppl were popping babies like they fell from the sky.Friends around us were getting pregnant like no tomorrow.I wondered if I will ever see the light at the end of the tunnel.I avoided any parties to do with babies.And like BBangel said, sour grapes is the exact description.BUT WHO CARES! I LOST MY BABY! I will protect my emotions at all cost.So I didn't care abt what others thought of me.I was grieving alone when the whole world seem to be celebrating a birth.

I was induced.Took abt 23hrs.I did it at KKH.If you read my previous posts,I would only go to KKH or NUH because I think they have the best neonatal unit,just in case something goes wrong during the birth and my baby needs the neonatal care. I was induced with 3 cytotec (the 1st 2 didn't seem to work).It was hell because I know i won't be able to bring my baby home.I took pethidine,lots of it.

The post mortem didn't give us answers, as expected.The gynae said she will put me on asprin the next pregnancy and 'hope for the best'.I changed gynae. hoping for the best is not good enough for me.I want my gynae to do everything within her /his ability, and if it still happens,at least I can say it's not fated. So off I went to see A.Prof Mary Rauff at NUH.I saw her to see if she can shed light on my case.A different gynae may have a different opinion. And she indeed lived up to my expectation.Waiting times for her appts are LONG! But I waited,because I believe in her experience.Following subsequent pregnancies, I feel she was there to hold my hands all the way because of the horrible experience she knew I went thru'.Throughout these 5 years, she was there for me.When my heart skipped a beat during the ultrasound, her heart was racing too.When she saw the joy on the birth of my 1st baby, she celebrated with me.I recommended someone from this forum (can't remember if it's fr this thread,but I think it is). She thanked me for the referral and said she sent this lady for extra tests to see if her hormones were attacking her baby during preg (a bit like autoimmune disease). Yes,NUH has a unit for ladies with recurrent miscarriages.

My history of pregnancies goes like this:
1) Stillbirth at 28 weeks
2) D&C at 10 weeks - no heartbeat
3) Live birth
4) Induced miscarriage coz yolk sac not growing well at 7 weeks
5) Live birth

I have 2 boys now.Ppl often say "try for a girl". I tell them these 2 kids are miracles already.I don't love them any less coz they are boys.I love them all the way to the moon and back (description from the storybook "Guess how much I love u").....

Rest well,cry all you need, and seek another opinion if you want to...

Take care.....One day,you will be a mother.It's only when that ONE DAY will come.And I hope it comes soon for you
 
Hi Monster,

I really inspired by all the courage that u have. I roughly know your history as I have been reading this thread from the very very start since the day i terminated my angel. U r from a very depressed cum brokenhearted mummy went through all the hardship and hardwork until u r reach where u are today. I must really salute u!!

Frankly, here is the only place i can feel that I'm not alone facing this trauma in my life. As no one will feel for us unless they go through it. One friend of mine who is preggy. She watsapp me asking how am i. I know that she mean good and show concern to me. But somehow I simply giving her one or 2 words reply. Once she asked me not to worry and after nursing back my health can try again.... I was really really pissed off!!! Actually she should not say this statement to me at all!!!! This is the lousiest console words for pple like us... as WE HAVE LOST OUR BABYYYY!!! : (

Anyway, I always feel that mother's love is everlasting. Always believe "TOUGH JOBS WONT LAST BUT TOUGH PPLE WILL" No matter how tough is it. I will definitely try for my 2nd after nursing back my body.

Wish me luck yaaa. Feel great that u being blessed with 2 boys. : )
 
Hi Monster, BBangel,

thanks to hear from you. i went back to work last thursday and was concentrating so hard to keep composure. so I didnt dare check this thread in office, lest i start to cry. so emo nowadays. i put on a brave front in front of so many people, the parents, friends, in the office, even to the husband. no one truly understands. i know they sympathise deeply but sometimes, those are the hardest to bear. like one of you said, life changes FOREVER. i feel like i;ll always be marked by this grief. that how to be truly happy again. even if get pregnant again, i wont ever be as exhilarated and carefree as my first pregnancy. i truly resent that. like WHY. Why give, then take so cruelly. whats the point of this whole exercise??

so far, keeping to the rules of mini confinement and nursing my body back has been keeping me busy. its been exactly 2 weeks and i still have a sense of disbelief sometimes. like was i really pregnant, did I so recently had that beautiful baby bump (pple have been giving me seats on mrt)...life is so back to normal now that its almost like i was never pregnant. so cruel. i could be out shopping and catch a reflection of myself with the missing stomach and feel this overwhelming sadness and start to tear. or see a pregnant woman thats about the same size as i would be, if i were still pregnant. you girls feel this way too right?

Monster, my heart goes out to you and your eternal optimism. Ive read the earlier threads and did follow yours and Bbangel. i cried when i read. i try to myself that at least we got pregnant to begin with, right? and with that, there is at least the thread of hope. i waver between hope and depression, fear that im running out of time coz of my age.

thaank you for the gynae recommendation. seems like NUH does indeed have some docs proficient in tricky pregnancies. i picked up Dr Mahesh from the 1st tri miscarriage thread, also from NUH. And a Dr Ananda from Camden, all from this forum.

im beginning to feel my gynae did not do enough to minimise my discomfort during my induced labour and subsequent D&C. i would rather have been put on GA and just knock out. i went thru the discomfort of repeated diarrhea, which is ironically a sign of impending labour. how sad i was, in the hospital toilet, having diarrhea and seeing the increasing amount of blood i was discharging, as the result of the induced miscarriage. and still have to go through the cramping and pain. knowing that my beloved is not gonna be there at the end. what a marked difference, that my tears of joy at seeing the positive pregnancy test kit should end in a tiny toilet cubicle, bleeding my life out. it. really. SUCKED.

thanks for making me feel less alone in my anguish. sorry ive been rambling so. I have had no one to pour these out to, coz its too painful to even say out. i will check back in here, to await the good news from the rest of you.

as one of the other mommies posted, "we are chosen because we are stronger". i take courage in that.
 
I read backwards somemore, to 2009. funny hor, that the husbands really do behave differently. they dont seem to dwell, life snaps back to normal. i was in fact a bit upset, to see the husband surfing his usual sgcarmart.com 2 days after my "evacuation of womb". when he sees tears, he'll just say, dont worry, we'll try again soon". i have to explain so hard that its not about the next one, its about THIS one. i guess its true that perhaps men cannot be expected to grief the same way, as they didnt have the child grow inside them, occupying every single second of their thoughts.

Bbangel,all the best and please take care to recover! its been 2 months since yours; i cant even think beyond this month. in the beginning, i was taking one day at a time. now, im taking one week at a time.

stay srong and healthy!
 
Hi female,

There is nothing wrong rambling esp all of us must go through this grieving period. It is absolutely normal for us to miss the preggy times esp our daily routines. When i remind myself to look forward and no longer pregnant, i will think of the happy moments like the very first time I got my bHCG at 81 and pregnancy kit showed. PREGNANT 2-3 weeks. Those memories are still very fresh in my mind. It seem like just a yesterday matter. All these unforgettable moments of knowing pregnant are simply greatest gift that i ever received in my entire life.

Frankly, TTC again is not as easy as we can imagine anymore. But I'm sure our efforts will pay off one day. See Monster is a very good example for us. She made it through.

Although our angels have left us, but I'm sure they do not want us to blame ourselves and we should embark our route to a new era.

Talking abt age. U r 37 while i will be turning to 36 by end of this yr. U can read on one thread of MTB in 40s. one of the mummy is 42yrs old when she gave her very first kid. So Female, we still have time yaaa. Do not add pressure to yourself on age. Most importantly is nursing back your body as 3 months later u can try again. Be positive yaaaa. REMEMBER AS LONG AS U R BREATHING IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO START OVER AGAIN"
 
Bbangel, i didnt see your posting in earlier thread (sorry if i missed it) May i ask what happened with your angel?

Monster, how are you this week? Did you ever find out what happened with your first still-born?

How long did it take for the tummy to flatten down? Coz ours are middle trimester, the tummy has expanded, we have also put on more weight.

I tried reading thru the other miscarriage thread, which is more active. but try as i did, i cant really relate there. I know its devastating for each loss, but right now, i feel worst knowing that i lost mine way past the supposedly "safe" stage.

Today is one of those sad days. I have good days when i dont shed a single tear, and bad days, like today. Yesterday, fruit store auntie cheerfully asked if i gave birth already (coz tummy deflated). i managed to keep calm and answered her. She was more flustered than I. Strangely, while it hurt like hell, i didnt shed a tear.

Autopsy report on foetal tissue came back, seems like couldnt detect anything wrong. so, back to the big question of WHY, when every test results came back "normal".

I wonder if i will be truly happy again. that even though i can laugh now when i encounter something funny, i feel like i'll always be marked with a tinge of sadness.
 
Hi female

I did post my story on 9 April. That was my exactly one month i lost my bbangel. my nick was Amy(mumtobe0813). Anyway here it is my bbangel story

m here to share the story of my little bb angel. I Today is 9th April and it is exactly one month that i lost my baby angel.

My husband and i married for more than 2 yrs. We TTC naturally but fail. Without wasting time as i already 35, we went through all blood test, HSG, TCM and SA. All my test results ok but hubby's SA has poor motility. Gynae suggested us to try our very first IUI. 2WW waited and bHCG showed it was positive. We were so excited that we had our very first potion. EDD 29 Aug 2013.

I had a very smooth pregnancy experience with no morning sickness. i able to eat and sleep well. i was so blessed that i never suffered. We always looked forward to every check up. that was when we could hear the very first heartbeat. i still could remember the magnified heartbeat soon. Our gynae asked hubby to record every progress of our little one

But nightmare started during week 13, My bb failed the OSCAR test at week12 with T21, T18 and T13 in ratio of 1:2. 1:13 and 1:21. The whole world seemed like collapsed. I broke down in gynae office. i could accept this happened to us. I was advised to wait till week16 to do amniocentesis. While i was scheduled to do amnio at ard week17. The waiting game had started. It was really really torturing. We cried almost every night.

Due to emotionally and physically tortured, we decided to seek for 2nd opinion. We went to DR Ananda from Camden Medical Centre. He is antenatal professor. He did a genetic scan for my bb. My bb had Alobar holoprosencephaly. It means it is a rare congenital brain malformation in which there is failure of complete separation of the two hemispheres. My bb's brain were filled with fluid in stead of brain. Survival rate is low. Even i decided to bring bb to full term. bb would be severely handicapped. As a parents, how would u feel when your bb suffered like that!!!!!!!. THAT WAS THE MOST HURTFUL AND PAINFUL MOMENT I EVER HAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!!!!. A nurse approached me, she held my hand and whispered to me " GAL, IT'S GOOD THAT TO HAVE A LOUD AND GOOD CRY" My hubby and i hugged each other and had a devastating cry!!! i kept saying "DEAR, OUR BB IS GONE!!!!" Now, I'm tearing while writing and recalling that moment.

The very next day, i was admitted to hospital. Started with first dosage of cyotec. My waterbag was ruptured 3 hrs later. When the first sharp pain stroke me, i was injected with morphine then followed by 2nd dosage of insertion. Pain diminished. Bleeding started after 3rd, 4th and 5th dosage. i lied on bed for more than 24 hrs with no contraction pains. i was asked to continue bed rest I was on antibiotic oral and drip as doc worried that i would suffer from womb infection.

I waited till 9 plus, i had the urge and asked for back pan. During the urinating, i felt bb was coming out. Frankly, i didnt push at all. BB was simply slipped out and dropped on backpan. i shouted hubby not to come in and asked nurses for help. I cried, cried and cried when bb had separated from me and brought out from the room. That was the very last moment i could feel the warmth of my bb. i could roughly gauge my bb size as bb brushed between my inner thigh before bb dropped into backpan. BB was around palm size. Hubby and i had our very last devastating cry to bid farewell and wish our little one can reborn to a healthier and happier bb

Frankly, hubby and i do not have the courage to see our bb for the very last time and knowing of bb sex. No matter what, we will acknowledge bb as our very very first baby. U will be always be remembered forever and ever in mummy and daddy. Thanks for bringing a wonderful 4 months to us.
 
Female,

The autopsy result is normal?? Cant find any genetic problems at all?? Or is it related to placenta infection??

Tummy wise?? I tried to apply some ginger cream at tummy area and wear tight camisole bought at uniqlo. Hope this can burn off some fats.
happy.gif
I need to kill a few kilos before TTC again.
 
Dear all brave mummies, I have been reading this thread since 30 April 2013, after I left the hospital with no baby in my arms...

At 20-week detailed scan, it was a normal Monday and hubby and I happily went for the appointment, excited to see our growing baby and its movement, as well as to confirm he's a boy. that was the darkest day of my life, when the ultrasound tech frowned and told me there was something missing in the baby's brain... my heart sank, and din know what exactly it is, then she called another senior to come in and do the scan more thoroughly. she said yes, there's something missing indeed. they further arranged an ultrasound specialist to confirm --- that our dear baby has Agenesis of Corpus Callosum (ACC). which they said it is a very, very rare defect. heartbroken, we went to see the gynae and she explained the possible consequences of ACC, but she assured me that it is not a genetic disorder... it just happened, along the development of the baby, "somehow" the corpus callosum just did not develop. and that I had the choice to keep the baby or not. we seek second opinion by doing MRI on the baby's brain at KK hospital 2 days later, and it confirmed our worst fear. the corpus callosum is completely absent and it will be very severe affecting my baby. we made the toughest decision in our lives, to terminate the pregnancy. and the procedure will start on the following Monday. just one week, I fell from heaven to hell... I spent the weekend crying and bade farewell to our son, asking God why gave us the gift and then take it away. this is my first pregnancy, and it was successful just one try... why? everytime I went to the gynae she has been telling me "oh the baby is growing well", "he has a strong heartbeat"... etc. in that weekend b4 the termination procedure, I still can feel my baby moving in me... but I have to tell him that I can't keep him. his every movement broke my heart so much.. I spent the weekend saying sorry to him, asking him to forgive me and thank him for being with me for 5 mths, and I love him so much that I pray to God to bring him together to His kingdom..

On that very day 29 April I was admitted to hospital, I have to go thru Labour and delivery (L&D) to terminate the pregnancy, which the gynae said it's the safest procedure becos it's 2nd trimester already. after 5 dosages of pessery (pills to induce labour) I finally deliver my baby on the next morning of 30 April. the process was so long and the agony of waiting was really indescribable. painful experience, I keep asking why I have to go thru this but in the end I got nothing. I was traumatized that I forgot how to cry at that moment, I had to push a bit to let him out, it was painful... hubby and I had no courage to look at our son, hubby and the nurses advised me not to look at him, so that he'll be the most beautiful baby in our memories, and so that I can move on.

It's been two weeks, like some of the mummies here said, why do I need to do confinement since there's no baby?? I don't know how am I going to recover emotionally, I will no longer be the same person anymore.

I don't know how many of u had heard of ACC, the gynae said it's so rare that she only seen this case twice in her career of practice. to date I still can't help asking, why is it me? why is it my baby?? I'm just worried what would I be after this incident, will I have to courage to try for another pregnancy? it's too stressful...

Thankfully, my hubby is very supportive and he's with me every moment of my agony. also friends and families who helped and their prayers. life has to go on, I want my baby to be happy in heaven too. so ladies, pls jia you, you are not alone. do not lose hope!
 
Hi Faye,

Sorry for your lost. I really feel for u. When i read your post, I keep recalling the very day I received my bad news, the waiting and torturing game, the trauma of inducing our angels, hearing new born babies cry when i was at hospital and did confinement without baby. Buckets and buckets of tears (frankly i never cry that much in my life) and countless of sleepless nights. The word of WHY WHY WHY keep repeating in our minds. All of us in this thread are in the same boat. We have lost our babies. And all the sad memories will carve in my brain till the day of my breath. But Faye, nothing wrong to cry out loud. We just need time to grieve.

Somehow, i find that your encounter is alike mine. It's just our angels suffered from different medical terms. But it is related to BRAIN too. I terminated My bbangel at week16 as suffered from Alobar holoprosencephaly. ( if u do read my previous posts on my story). I kept searching from singaporemotherhood forum to find anyone encounter the same problem. Am i the odd one out there? I need a support group and I wanna ensure that i'm not alone. But i can't find anyone except i found some mummies from US posting at Baby center. I read alot after my lost.
http://books.google.com.sg/books/about/Empty_Cradle_Broken_Heart_Surviving_the.html?id=IDNk6YUsW7EC&redir_esc=y

This is a very good book that i wanna share with u. It will comfort u. Do take care of yourself.
 
Hi BBangel, thanks for your words of comfort. Yes I did read your story in the earlier post, which leaves the deepest impression cos it was like reading my own story! *hugs* I cried too as I read yours. I also went thru forums to search for the same encounter as mine but to no avail. And all I found were also mummies from US sharing their stories of ACC babies in BabyCenter. I'm wondering is it really so rare (esp in Singapore) or Singapore parents just don't want to talk about it?

Thanks for the online book u sent me, I spent the night reading thru it
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From this incident I realize that no matter how well u plan, sometimes it's just not God's plan. I am never a person who like kids, I was hesitant to have kids even after we got married 3 years ago, but now I am all ready to be a mum, successful at one try, smooth sailing pregnancy with little morning sickness, then all my dreams and plans shattered..

Strangely, I felt much better after I post my story here, it's like I finally had the courage to face the reality and 'talked' about it.

Words and advice cannot comfort us who had gone thru the tragedies, but I'm glad that some of my friends din say much but all they did was to give me a hug, which I always end up crying on their shoulders..

So BBangel, a HUG for ya! and HUGS to all mummies here who are still grieving... love.
 
Hi female,

Yes,men react differently.My hubby seemed to have recovered from grieving overnight! He could even attend baby parties without any emotions. The very 1st time I attend a baby party was because he said if I didn't attend it,it means I haven't recovered and he wouldn't try again.WT??? So I hardened my heart,prepared myself emotionally,and went to the party.When I saw friends' kids,a knife pierced thru' my heart.

Like you, i did an autopsy too.The gynae told us when giving us a choice of doing the autopsy, that the results may never reveal anything. And it was true.But we still went ahead with it because I don't want anything to be missed out.If there was something wrong,I want to know so that the gynae will know how to prevent it.I was so depressed after the stillbirth,I didn't feel like eating.So I lost weight naturally.Ha.I did eat though,just not the normal portion.

And you asked if you will ever be happy again? To me, losing a child is a life changing experience.Yes,you will be happy again,but your life will never be the same again.It's not never be the same in a bad way,but I feel I will always grief for the lost one who never had a chance to live life.

Faye,my heart goes out to you & your family.Cry if u need to.And come to this thread to chat if you need to...time will lessen the pain.
 
hi..i can't help but post here to rant.

I've lost a child too sometime back and still trying very hard for my 1st baby.

One of my online fb friend also buay zi tong very not sensitive at all. Mentioning in her blog i quote her saying ''I CAN'T WAIT TO ANNOUNCE TO THE WHOLE WORLD THAT I AM PREGGY!!''

I am so angry at her post and all her fb posts are ALL of her toddler child and child to be, her big tummy, babymoon holiday etc. WHY ON EARTH SHOULD THE WHOLE WORLD BE NOTIFIED OF YOUR PREGNANCY?? SO WHAT'S THE GREAT DEAL ABOUT IT??!

Call it sour grapes but i just can't seem to understand why some people are sooooo extremely inconsiderate on the feelings of others and still rub it all in? It's like salt on our still apparently sore wounds (which i think will never ever heal) That it breaks open the wound time and time again. So in a way i secretly hope that these people will go thru what we did..so to shut them up and eat the humble pie!

Am i wrong in thinking this way? Am i crazy?? Am i the only one feeling this way??
 
Monster, my hubby too seems to recover in few days time, he can sleep well at night too. however he will tear also whenever he sees me crying, he said he feel sad whenever he sees me so sad.. so dun blame your hubby ok? I think most men are like that cos they r not the one who carry the baby. Think he will be sad too when he see u crying.

Absolutely agree with u that losing a child is a life changing experience, and I know that my life will never be the same again. Sometimes I just wish that end of the world to come immediately to end all these sufferings...

Melissa, do remember that u are not alone, most mummies here have such feelings also. me too was heartbroken whenever I see the FB post full of bb's photos... esp yesterday was mothers' day...
 
Dear all,
Just wondering did u go for the jamu massage after m/c or stillborn? Do our uterus displaced even we did not carry bb to full term? If so then I was thinking to engage the jamu massage to get the uterus back into place..

I just went back to the gynae for check up. she only touched my tummy and said uterus has shrink to its normal state. but she did not scan. is it common? then how did she know everything was cleared and uterus back to normal size?
 
Hi,
I chanced upon this post again after so many years but till now, I have not forgotten the pain... especially recently my dear cousin was also forced to gone thru 2 forced miscarriage in 1yr+ due to fetal defects. Worst, she is not talking to me, making me feel the pain more.

It was also 1st pregnancy for my case nearly 10 years ago (my elder kid is already 8yr old, conceived after 1 year after the stillbirth). My best friend EDD was due 4 months later then and I purposedly lost contacts with her and close friends for over 2 years, till about my elder kid was born. I cried through my 1st baby shower party I attended; I was forced to go as it was my sis-in-law's.

As for hubby, he had seen our baby girl but not me. He kept all the babycot and all stuff we setup a spare room as the nursery before I return from the hospital. However, I do agree that guys do grieve differently, as though nothing happens... but really life still goes on.

Even now, I felt sad when I heard babies born out of wadlock or people suka suka get pregnant and then go TOP...

For mummies here, all I can say is don't give up and try again, when doctor gives a go ahead.

Jia you...
 
Hi Melissa,

I guess every mummy here will behave the same as U. So do not think yourself as CRAZY.. We have lost our child. During my grieving period, I will do whatever that can make me feel comfortable.

Let me share with u. During my first week of work after my one-month hospitalisation leave, most of the colleagues treated as per normal. Greeted me but never asked further. I felt blessed and relieved. EXCEPT one auntie bugged with those insensitive questions like

Q1) "How many months u have carried your bb before u lost??" I can see ard 4 months liao lor, hor?? I can see your tummy popped out le....
Q2) " May i know why u suffer mc har??"

My reactions: I fixed my eyes on her and raised my voice, "I dun want to answer your brainless questions" and i left.

After a few days, she appoached and apologized to me for being insensitive. She clarified herself by saying she thought i have got over the lost. I raised my voice again. I told her A LOST IS A LOST. I WILL REMEMBER MY LOST FOREVER AND EVER. I dun mind if she showed concerns on how to nurse back my body. But she is simply being KAY POH only. I HATE THAT!!!

Melissa, as what u said, there are all sorts of pple out there being insensitive as they never experienced and they will know our PAIN... we have to be strong to withstand all these nonsense yaaaa.
 
Hi Faye,

2 weeks later of my termination, i went back to my gynae for checkup. He did scan me and he commented everything is cleared. I told him I had been brown spotting. he prescribed me hormonal pills. Gynae advised if u never have heavy bleeding or clotting, foul smell or cramping, then everything should be normal. The next thing u have to be mentally prepared, our menses will go hay wired. It depends how fast our HCG back zero.

My first AF came exactly 1 month later. It lasted for 3 days only while my usual cycle last for 5 days. 2 weeks later during my ovulation, I bled lightly for 3 days. Till now, i'm in 38 day of cycle. Still waiting for my 2nd AF. haiii. everything messed up.

Faye, I wanna ask u whether your gynae send u and hubby for karyotype testing?? As our bb are considered as rare cases?? I did mine. The report is out but havent collected yet. Will wait as my gynae appt will be on coming june.
 
BBangel, there are indeed insensitive and ignorant ppl out there.. i'm also worried how would my colleagues treat me after two weeks when I return to work
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ok, actually my bleeding has stop yesterday (12 days) and no foul smell or cramping during recovery. so maybe that's why she was sure that everything is alright.

She din advise us to go for karyotype testing cos she said our case is not a kind of genetic disorder, and the chance of recurrence is less than 1%. hmmm... may I know how much is the test? pls let me know once u've got your result, ok?
 
Faye,

U just rest for 2 weeks only? I requested 1 month rest. I wanna make sure I'm ready in terms of mentally, emotionally, physically and psychologically before facing others. Eventhough I rested for one month, the awkwardness of facing colleagues were indescribable. I felt emo esp when that insensitive auntie asked me such questions. When I dashed back to my cubicle, my tears kept rolling down. seem like my wound rubbed by a tonnes of salt. I hope u wont have this bad encounter on your first day of work yaaa. all the best. no matter how bad is the situation. we still have to be strong.


The karyotype testing is rather expensive. $490 per person. I pray hard and keep fingers crossed. I hope my hubby and I are not the carriers.
 
Hi Girls,

Today my baby would have been 100days old if he would have survived after his short life of 7days.He had genetic disease.
During my delivery-planned C section I got my tubes tied and even in future i get pregnant i should go for test at 9 weeks to decide...
I miss my baby and want him back...
 
BBangel, I also requested for 4 weeks leave. so I'll return to work in 2 weeks time. Dun worry dear, the karyotype result will be alright, i'll pray for u too!

Pooja, *hugs* for u. I miss my baby too and wanted him back so much. such a torture..
 
Hi Mummies...

Eventhough I havent read thru each of your exp. I would like to share a big heartfelt sorry and tight hug.I was very upset yesterday so just let out my feels but hardly said anyting to u....Be strong and one day your prayers will be answered.

This is a group anyone want to refer to ,referd by another mummy here....it very very sad to go thru this website.

www.cbss.sg
 
Dear Pooja,

I agree with you.I also felt very sad...felt like crying after reading the stories.

While you grieve,you must remembeo embark on the healing process.
 
Brave mummies, I just want to share with u some encouraging quotes here, it strikes me when i was browsing thru facebook:

"If someone or something comes into your life and has a positive impact on you, but for some reason things change, don’t mourn for too long. Be thankful that your paths crossed and that that you got the chance to experience something wonderful while it lasted. Just because it ended, doesn’t make it any less amazing.

And remember, when one positive light in your life burns out, don’t use it as an excuse to shield yourself from all the other sources of light shining around you. Continue to appreciate what you have now, and smile about the memories."

Jia youz!
 
Hi ladies,

It has been a long time since I came back to check on this thread. Feel like crying whenever I read the posts here.

I feel very sorry for the mommies who have lost their babies recently. Faye, I had a similar experience as you which I decided to terminate my pregnancy after the detailed scan shown that my baby was abnormal.

In fact, I lost 2 babies within a short period of 7 mths few years back. First was miscarriage at 12 wks, and the other was MTPT at 20 wks.

I cried, I felt sad and seriously, I could hardly remember how I managed to pull through. The only thing I could remember is I kept telling myself that I want to have another baby. so I forced myself to do confinement and ate whatever my mom asked me to eat. I wanted to build up my health to welcome another baby. A few mths later (after getting clearance from my gynae), I was pregnant again and gave birth to a pair of twins (it was really a miracle to me as there is no family history)!

I always believe that God took away our babies for a reason. Perhaps we are not ready yet. When the time is right, our babies will come back to us (mine is a very good example).

So ladies, pls do not give up! Give yourself a few weeks (or even months) to cry. After that, carry on and get yourself ready to TTC again.
Jia you!
 
Beverly, #hugs# thanks for your encouragement! I'm really determined now to have another healthy & normal baby. now I just pray hard and trying to be positive and hopeful, keep myself healthy & fit. I even visited TCM to build up my health. I will do anything for the sake of getting conceive again.

it's been 5 weeks since that incident, and I have resumed work on Monday. I felt awkward on the first day, dressing in my normal office attire and looking at my flat tummy in the mirror, I cried again. but things r getting better as days go by, everything seems back to normal again, as if that incident never happened, like it was only a nightmare, a 1-month nightmare.

my emotion has been up and down though. sometimes I feel very positive and full of hope, but sometimes when I think back of the incident, thinking how unfair is life, I cried and cried again.. I would still trying to figure out what had happened to cause the abnormalities to the baby...
 
Hi all, it's been exactly two months since that fateful day. I also had my first cycle of period 2 weeks ago, and it seemed normal just like my usual cycle. I got upset again when I realized I need to use pad again
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I've scheduled a pap smear and preconception check up on 1 week of July with my gynae (Adelina Wong).
Actually I'm in dilemma whether to go back to my gynae or look for another. As she don't do termination, she had transferred me under the care of another gynae, Dr. Phyllis. after that she never followed up with my condition and healing progress. besides the check-up 2 weeks after the procedure that Dr. Phyllis scheduled for me, both of them never asked me to go back to them anymore.
I felt a little disappointed, like she din care about her patients at all after this sad incident. am I being too sensitive? or I shouldn't expect that much from the gynae? did ur gynae ask u gals to go back to see them for preconception check up or we shud just schedule it for ourselves when we r ready?
I actually still like her but I just feel neglected. then I thought, maybe at that time she has transferred me to Dr. Phyllis so she should not interfere along the process?
Pls share with me your experience ladies!
 
Hi All,

I had d/c for my first pregnancy as the fetal stops growing at 9 weeks during last year sept. I was devasted but we did not give up trying another time.

This year feb, I found myself pregnant again. We were so happy as the fetal was developing very well every week till 18 weeks. I was having yellowish and slight green discharge and was given antibiotics to ease the infection. But the infection ruptures my water bag at 19 weeks. There is no amino fluid around the fetal, and I was hospitalized for strict bedrest for a week to monitor if the fluid will replenish back or not. We do not want to give up hope yet, as the fetal heartbeat and movement were still super normal. I was discharged and put on strict bedrest and drank alot of water. At 20 weeks, there is still no amino fluid found. We even went for a second opinion. The tests show I was still leaking fluid and my AFI is only 2cm. Fetal's development was all normal but the heart shows blood backflow and brain last two sacs are slightly larger than normal range. The chances of the baby born alive is low and even if he survives, he requires LONG TERM hospitalization and can't run around like a normal child.

We are very upset to hear that the water bag ruptured had not sealed back, which means the fetal might have damaged or poor development of lungs already (amino fluid is critical for lungs development between 16 to 24 weeks). Another main concern will be the bone joints of the fetal cannot be properly developed due to the lack of amino fluid.

We do not wish our baby to suffer further in my womb or at birth with lots of expected health problems. Thus we just decided to terminate the pregnancy.

Have any of you experienced this? I would like to hear your experience and the consequences after the termination of the pregnancy. Do you have milk coming in, breast engorgement?

Please share with me.

Thanks!!!
 
Hi ZealousMav

Same thing happen to me about a mth plus ago. Just got back test report and it show that I got acute placenta infection and hence causes premature membrane rupture. Nothing wrong with my bb. This is my 3rd miscarriage.. My gynae said there is no specific reason, just that I am unlucky. He said its just like a flu. Some get it mild and some get it worse. In fact He ask me to try again within 2 cycles later which I will ignore him. Physically and mentally I do not think I can take it for now.

I did a full month confinement as per advised by my TCM as I was already 18 weeks then. I also engaged a Malay massage lady who helped me to massage and adjusted my womb back. I did experienced some engorgement but was resolved by the massage lady. I did what a full confinement should be. Shower with herbal packs and drink herbal soup every alternate day after 1 week. I bought those herbal soup packs from Eu Yang San. 3 bowls of water brew to 1 bowl. Then I also eat those confinement dishes with ginger, sesame oil and dom. And also longan, red dates with dang Seng water everyday.

Currently what I can tell you is that just concentrate on getting well and healthy and picked up your life. Most properly you will feel emptiness and sadness. Dun brood over it. I told myself that at least I am still alive. When there is a will there is a way. PM me if you need to talk about it. Cheers!!!
 
Hi ZealousMav, after my termination, I had bleeding for about 2 weeks, and breast engorgement 2 days after the procedure. it was so painful and unbearable! I event could not sleep at one side cos' it will press on them. I took medicine prescribed by doctor and also use cold compress to ease the discomfort. and luckily it lasted only for 2+ days. other than that there were not much complications. I just try to eat as much ginger/reddates longan tea/dom as possible.

Alison, agree with u that at least we r still alive. so dun lose hope! remember what doesn't kill u makes u stronger. I admire your courage and spirit. hugz for u!
 
Hi ZealousMav

I lost my baby boy of 23 weeks 3 days to infection. At less than 23 weeks, he was considered a non-viable baby. With my waterbag leaking & possibility of baby being infected, we were asked to decide ending the pregnancy before the 24wks, or cont'd surpressing the contractions & monitor if infection will clear. That said, if bb comes out after the 24wks, hospital will fight to save his life at all costs... Even if bb survive... He may have probs fending for himself in future.... Me n hubby cannot decide, we just decided to let nature take its course. Bb left us shortly after we took me off the contraction relief. I gave birth to him naturally & heard his cries before he was carried away.... We chose to believe bb helped us make the decision....

I had breast engorgement 2/3 days after & it was the worst feeling ever! Went to my gynae for the pill (expensive!) & while waiting for the pill to take effect, I used cold cabbage leaves to help relief the pain.

Hi Faye

Perhaps your womb has cleared that's why your gynae didnt schedule in followup for you? I had 3 followups after my natural birth as my gynae wanted to ensure womb is back to normal size & cleared of blood clots. Had pap smear done during my last checkup.
 
To add for the breast engorgement part, the pill took quite q while to take effect, I pumped out some milk (not alot) and it really really helped me survive lol.
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Thank you Alison, Faye and Chanel so much for sharing!!!

My main concern is my water bag has not sealed even though the infection had been eased off after consuming the antibiotics. We felt that we are so cruel and unfair for our baby just to terminate the pregnancy like this. But miracle has not come by till now and we don't wish to see the baby to be born with health complications and suffer his lifetime.

I can still the fetal moving and kicking me till now, but at the same time I am still leaking fluid constantly... I am so upset to let him go like this, but do we have another choice? We can't be selfish not to let him go, although we know that he is fighting strong. My husband and all family members are worried that I will be at high risk of infection which affects my future pregnancy.

Up till now, we dunno if we have make the right decision or we are just too cruel and heartless. We feel so sorry for our baby.
Tomorrow I will be going to see my specialist and make our final decision. But we know we have to let go... But this time is so difficult and different from my first pregnancy (my fetal's hb had stopped and shrinked).

Hai......
 
I started leaking at 25wk plus and was eventually hospitalised at 28wks as it got worse with some staining. Was on antibiotics n bed rest but could not stop leaking. Finally delivered my dd at 31weeks when contractions kick in too... dun give up. Seek a second opinion
 
Berry baby, we had seek for second opinion already. My water bag burst at 18+ wks, till now still leaking. just checked today again, my AFI has gone even lower than 1cm at 22 weeks. Both doc had advised the same thing to terminate as the fetal lungs has been badly damaged due to the low AFI for more than 4 weeks... Lungs development is critical between 16-24 weeks, which ur baby has developed well by 25 weeks.

I wish my water bag had not burst so early and has sealed earlier so that we can still fight through all these with him.
We dun wish to give up, but we are left with no choice as chances of his survival or born like a normal healthy child is extremely slim.
 
Hi Mothers,

It's been almost 3 months after my pregnancy termination (Down Syndrome, I'm only 33 yrs old). It is a choice we painfully made, and it is a choice that's good for us. It is a painful and tearful procedure we have to go through, and takes whole lots of effort for us to stand up. When decision is firm, do not look back. Look forward.

Sometimes depression hits me, makes me tear whenever I see pregnant mums. But that's life, everyone goes through things differently and I know mothers who are in worse situation than me. I'm already feeling lucky that I don't have to bring my baby visiting hospital every month, paying for expensive milk formula and medicine every 2 weeks, worry about baby's blood test result every now and then. That's what had happened to one of my friend.

Hence for the best of ourself, our love ones, our future, we shud stay happy, be strong & confident and be healthy.

I did not return to my gynea even he has asked me to, for I know it is a normal procedure to ask me go back for pap smear. Waste of time, waste of $.

All the best mothers.
 
Hi mummies, I just did my MTPT at 21 weeks gestation on 3 Dec as my boy was found to have a deletion for chromosome 18p. I have a healthy gal who is 3.5 years and have been TTC for about a year for my second child. Due to age (currently at 35 yo), we hope to have a second child asap so after finding out my DH has low sperm motility and low morphology, we opt to go for IVF at SGH. After a month of jabbing, we managed to conceive our baby boy on our first IVF attempt. Kenzie was supposed to the be the best growing blastocyst among the remaining 7 embryos which couldnt made it to the freezer.

Not an easy pregnancy, has a threatened abortion at week 13 but sailed through OSCAR scan. Come 20weeks detailed scan where the sonography and fetal specialist found that my baby limbs were below 5% percentile. Did an amniocentesis on same day. Gynae and fetal specialist suspected it could be Interuterine restricted growth, which could result in prematured birth at worst. My TMC gynae being conservative wants me to follow up at KKH saying KKH has the best team and equipment to deal with high risk pregnancy, he helped me to set up an appointment with KKH two weeks later on 3 Dec.

Come amniocentesis results where the express result (3 days later) for Tri 13, 18 and 21 were found to be normal. Full amniocentesis result will only be available 10-14 days later. On 28th Nov, received a call from TMC nurse to ask us to go down to KKH on same day! I was like but i thought we are going down on 3rd Dec already why so urgent to make us go down on 28th Nov. Called back the nurse and finally my TMC gynae returned my call saying my bb full chromosome report is out, and there's a small chip off the chr 18...definitely made no sense to us, so Gynae wants us to see a genetic counselor immediately.

Reached the Genetic clinic at KKH... while waiting for our turn, we saw the numerous children patients that were there. Vary in ages from newborn to full grown adults, with different facial expressions, physical growth and language ability. DH and I never speak to each other as we waited for our turn. In our heart we already knew what results we are expecting. The genetic counselor is not able to pin point what kind of disability our bb will encounter if we let our baby live. One thing for sure, the child brain development will be affected with del18p. The counselor suggested that we should have our DNA tested to make sure none of us have chromosome disorder. The result will only be out in 2 weeks later. While DH tries to ask further question of the chromosome disorder, in my mind, I already know that we cannot keep this baby.

The decision is not hard to make as the baby chromosome report already said everything. The worst is to break the news to my first child who is so looking forward to meet her didi and of course the fact that this second child was not easy to come by.

On 29th Nov Dh and I went to TMC to inform gynae about terminating the pregnancy. Required 48 hrs of waiting period after signing the consent form. The MTPT was to perform on 1 Dec at TMC, after 5 pressaries to induce baby, baby refused to come out and was moving constantly... Next morning, gynae put 3 inserts to help to dilate the cervix and restart the pressaries protocol in the evening. After two pressaries past midnight on 3rd Dec, baby Kenzie was out from my womb, lifeless...

We cremated Kenzie on the same day, collected his ashes the next morning and opt for sea burial on 5th Dec.

Wound is still raw, hopefully like everybody said time will heal the wound...I agree that a part of me has changed dramatically not sure if its for the better, guess only time will tell...
 
Hi all mommies,

I had a TOP due to baby having T21 at 16 weeks gestation last Tuesday. The past week had been so horrible for me. I opted for a D&E as I couldn't bear to go through the induced labour. I was hospitalized after the procedure as my uterus refused to contract and my blood couldnt clot. I lost so much blood that I ended up in ICU with 6 pints of blood transfused, 2 pints of platelets and several other drips for uterus contraction, glucose, etc. As I grieved silently over the loss of my the second child I could never hold in my arms, I am grateful for being alive. Right now, I am still suffering from the trauma of the intensive transfusions, in that I have naggy chest pains. I hope that time will heal all my wounds, physically and emotionally. I know I will never move on from this episode, but I will soon learn to live with it. Thanks all for 'listening'; feel much better now that I have said what I want to say.
 


Hi donchelsabb, yes it is a grieving period for us... sometimes its good to write out your frustration, sadness...that's why forum are here for...
 
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