Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by sic, Oct 5, 2007.
Is your husband committing adultery? Need help/support? I do.
it is very tiring and trying. i been through it and every day, (although its been like more than a year ago) i still feel the effects and at times, i still feel the anger.
its not easy ... (hug)
want to join my support group - or is there one already?
why can I not see my post in the regular Forum of this website?
Sounds good, just that many of the wives are at the single parents support group I think. I guess this one is for those trying to decide what to do and those thinking of staying for the kids?
Yes. Our support group (I don't have a name yet) helps the women with the many thoughts that come up, the anger, the "what-to-do-now", the feelings, the "how do other women in my situation cope", the thoughts of failure, etc etc. This is a group to catch the women when it first happens, when they really do not know where to turn to. The first time it happens it comes really out of the blue and completely unexpected. Most women would be in a shock. This is when they need the most support. (For me it has been almost a year since I found out.)
same here. more than a year, infact. I think there are quite a few treads of people like us who don't know what to do. Some of them has since divorce their HB and move on.
I hope to move on soon too. But then, I said that last year. ha ha.
its not easy at all. we all know that we should just kick our unfaithful husbands out and move on with our lives but really, i ask myself, do i have the courage?
my girl will grow up with the stigma of being labelled a "single parent family".
sometimes, i just wish that my hub will get killed in an accident, so that i can live in peace. i can never fully trust him and i will never fully trust him.
I know, it is always harder with the kids. Its not just about stigma. Been reading books that study kids from divorce family. The fights between parents often go on after the divorce and mothers are often less well off or are busy working after the divorce. Hence many kids lost both their parents and the divorce basically shatter their lives. Fathers are more stingy with the kids and they lost out on enrichment, time with their peers, tertiary education.
So been trying look into all angles and prepare for the inevitable.
Staff, don't feel bad about wishin your hub will die. I harbour the thought quite a few times too, esp when he went out drinking or prob being with his SO late at night. Spare me and the boy the divorce trauma.
Girls, I also had many of those thoughts, but now I am focused on doing the best from my side. I might have "lost" my husband but I do not want my kids to lose their father. They really need him and enjoy every minute he is around. I do not nag or cry or speak badly about my husband in front of my kids because it will effect their future relationships. Even if I am not liked by my husband, I will try to be pleasant around the house. I am speaking like this now after one year. I had many other scenarios go through my head, but for now I am settled on this. It makes my life easier.
I am terribly afraid that i will develop schizo tendencies!
all is well at home, it seems. i am the perfect wife nowadays; i no longer nag, i no longer complain about any thing, i always smile, i always look pretty, i always dress well ... but when i am alone, i get these angry and ugly thoughts.
but in front of him, i put on this front. i love my hub a lot, more than anything else in the world and although i dun want to admit it, i really want him to love me back as sincerely and truthfully as i do him.
maybe i should make a conscious effort to NOT think of the past. i dunno.
it is just so tiring ...
Dear staff, I understand you. I also had these feelings of "pretending" that everything is alright but deep inside you feel very, very angry and think ugly thoughts. For me, I found my anchor in knowing why I am hanging in there and who I should be. I do find my hope in God. He is my strength. I have been a Christian for a while but now I am really using Him to be my strength.
DO realy nid support here...
Recently caught my husband committin adultery... Feelin reali hurt now... Anyone stayin in d east and would like 2 meet up?
No words can describe d hurt and pain i'm goin thru man...
Maybe all of u can read my post at PLSE B PATIENT AND READ ON..PLSE HELP ME...
hi linda.... hope u will look things on the brighter side n be strong.... i understand your pain n hurt u gg thru also...
i m nt sure whether my hubby is committin any adultery anot..but he can often stay out drinkin n drinkin till late hours.. n sometimes even dun come home! the very nexti day, he dun even bother to explain anyting...i ve tried closing one eye one time n two times... n few more times.. i decided tat i shall leave the house...
n we realli had a big fight.. i left the house wif my gal ard 4 mths back... nw i still dunnoe wat to do... sighz
anyone who has an alcoholic hubby also??
Hi Linda, try to PM u but u dun have a PM. Perhaps u like to PM me.
can i join??i oso hope to find some support here..how u gals go thru it. n how to decide if d or not..
i still hve not D..but find it miserable to live like this..esp when i noe tt my hb is not making effort to save the marriage..simply cos he has no feelings..n he is now staying cos of the kids..
i find it very difficult to make the decision cos i dunno how it will affects my 2 very young kids who are below 2.
hi dilema, what happen? did u have a gd talk with yr hubby? I think u have to think abt the financial, if yr financial have no prob then I tin u can really decide what to do. It takes alot courage and mental support when u really want to leave a marriage. It will not heal easily and u feel trauma as well.
this is my long story,
my hb has an affair also.n i oni found out a couple of months ago.
beginning this yr, my hb n i hve very terrible quarrels cos he said tt he does not have much feelings for mi and after those quarrels, all feelings for mi gone,n we dun talk to each other anymore and it seems tt D is the only option during that time.
after tt,i managed to get him to go for counselling,but after 2 sessions,he felt tt it is better that we D.so the counselling failed.then i managed to get him to attend a marriage course.After that things improved,cos we starting to talk and he told mi tt he is trying for the marriage.
actually during the period when we are on bad terms,i already suspected that he has another woman, he has a brand new belt, found some sms in his hp,he went out downstairs to buy kopi everynight n oni return home one hr plus later, then one day found a woman's photo in his hp..all these yrs with him,he does not even have a single photo on mi in his hp..but after tt he deleted the photo..n when i asked if he has another woman,he denied.
the woman is his colleague..n someone i knew who is closed to him but i never met. all these yrs,he told mi tt he just treat her as a xiao mei mei..but things like tt happen..
all these while i realli believed and trusted him. until he went on a biz trip a couple of mths ago.i feel so stupid n naive.i really believed tt he went on biz trip.then i found out tt he went actually went on a trip with her.
i was devastated and heartbroken. he cant sleep in the same room with me, cant go overseas with mi,but he can go with the woman and sleep with her in the same room. he cant hug mi,hold my hands n kiss mi..but he can do tt to the woman..he can treat the woman so nice..talk to her everyday, go movies with her,buy small gifts for her but he cant treat mi nice..reason beingbeing cos he has no feelings for mi..but has feelings for her..
he claimed tt there is no sex bet them..but who will believe right.
he claimed tt it just happened like tt..which i differ..n i cant accept..how can he start the affair so fast..tt is one two mths later after our quarrels..n how can he not control himself.
i met the woman..n both him and her told mi tt they have broken up..the woman initiated it..cos during the trip, she saw how much he cares for the family..keep buying things for his mum, sis, nieces n of cos his children.n they oso have small small quarrels..
he is now back in the family.now his priority is the children.i hve 2 young children, one is 2 and another one is 1.frankly i dunno what he wants.but he is not making effort to make it work.previously we tried going out,watching movies and having dinners..but he find tt all these does not help in getting back the feelings at all.
he noes he has to make effort,but he just cant initiate to do things..he find it very difficult,n no matter how he force himself..he still cant lor..
he appreciate what i have done for him,the kids and the family..n said he can adjust n treat mi as good fren but cant treat mi as wife..n we cant go back to the past..at least tt's how he feels now..but do not know if feelings will come back in the future or not.
well..i oso dunno to leave or stay.it is very stress and tormenting cos i cant seems to make the right decisions. it seems tt every decision i made, will hve an effect.the last time tt i wan to hurt is both my kids..
by staying,they have both the parents..but is this type of lifestyle good for them, seeing parents not loving,sleeping in separate rooms..n who noes,daddy may hve another woman again.
but staying like this,looking at this man everyday,i feel very miserable.i wan to get out cos i'm miserable but i may also be miserable when i already D..cos i noe tt i still love him..i still hope tt our marriage can be saved..but it takes two hands to clap..it seems tt i'm the one clapping oni.
frankly,the future is bleak.i do not know to leave or stay..if he is repenting n wanted to work on the marriage..maybe things will not be so bad.
my sil,my mil, my mum..told mi..feelings will come back..ask mi to give him more time..n wait..
i'm the one waiting and making effort.i'm very very tired emotionally,physically....i dunno if by waiting will he realli hve feelings back for mi or not..haiz
talk to him..no use..he will just tell mi,stay like this n remain as frens n see if feelings can come back or not.
to mi..he is waiting for feelings to fall from the sky..tt is not possible lor..
when i first discover the affair..i feel like dying with my kids..cos i cant bear to leave them alone in the world, while i die..
i noe is a coward way..but the pain is too much to bear n i really trusted him alot..i trust him even more than i trust my parents..
n i cant face the kids..they are so young..i feel tt i hve let them down..i bring them to this world to suffer,bring them to a uncomplete family.
tt's y i feel tt dying is a better solution
u been thru such thing? how u survive?
Try to log in other day but couldn't. Website down. Pls PM me. I try Pm u but u never activate.
hi staff, we are in the same boat.. after i noe my hb affair. i chg my outlook.. everyone comment dat i have chg so much.. looked better.. must be very xin fu. I jus smile at dem but cry inside.
My baby juz turned 1 year old and i found out that my husband has been visiting prostitutes. Last sat, he went for his coffee session til wee morning, i took the opportunity to check his hp.
Was not suspicious of him but juz checking for some information to help rent our a commercial unit (he's a housing agent) coz it's been 3 months and he's not able to rent it out. I was thinking of posting on facebook. And I saw the message in his sent box: (1)fragrance kovan rm 304 (2)81 no parking. no choice. And the time was 12plus in the afternoon! I can't believe it.
My heart dropped. It was dated 29 Jan 08, juz a few days after my birthday. I rem clearly we had sx on my bday. He bought body lotion as a bday present and he massaged me. I felt he's such a lovely husband.
Now, I am totally disgusted.
I suspect if he's been visiting them even before we met. I felt so betrayed & dirty. Will be going for a check up this thur.
I have taken photos of the messages bf deleting them. Do you think i can use it as evidents for commiting adultery?
I am determined to file for divorce or separation. We've only been married less than 2 years. I wished to serve him the papers on our 2nd year anniversary.
I am so lost and alone as I dare not tell my parents. It will break my mom's heart. I do not want to damper their spirit as my brother's getting married in Oct this year. I am thinking of letting them know after Oct.
I have emailed a law firm last sat but they have yet to reply. Has anyone here file for your own divorce? Izit really a v difficult procedure? I do not have any savings as used to spend lavishly on my baby girl.
Now, I am looking for a place to move with my girl. Juz a room, hopefully somewhere near where my parents are staying. Anyone has room for rent near hougang, serangoon area?
I am surprised at myself for staying so calm. Really. Am really afraid it's the calm before the storm, might juz break down one day.
I guess i will die if i keep everything to myself. when i read this forum, it gives me courage, I know i'm not alone. I know I can make it on my own coz many others did. I am feeling sorry as my little girl will not have a normal family to grow up in. I will do everything else to make up to her. I am ashamed as non of my parents both maternal and paternal have a history of divorce. Its a taboo. I told myself, divorce will not be in my dict when i decided to marry him. But this betrayal I cannot imagine.
For now I'm juz acting as per normal. Smiling and all but in my mind i am planning to kill him with shock when i serve him the papers. He's leaving for a dive trip soon this coming weekend (he's a dive instructor too) I am hoping to pack my stuffs and get a room bf he comes back. Think my pils will get heart attacks! (We are staying tog)
You are so brave and calm. When I discovered his disgusting act, I was about 9 months pregnant! I broke down and cried and confronted him.
I should have chased him out of the house but my parent asked me to give him a chance as he said he will change.
It has not been easy for me. I hope that you will give it a good thought and will you forgive him if he says he will stop it?
Until now, I have not totally forgiven him and I will never forget what he has done to me!
I have many thoughts about forgiving him and starting all over again. For the sake of our daughter, so she will grow up in a proper & healthy family.
But all women alike, we can forgive but will never forget. Reading so many real life cases here, i have my doubts our relationship will work out even if i am able to give him another chance. So why waste my time?
Neverthless, there's still this little hope in me that he will repent. Sigh, women ar!
But how to sleep with him again? How? I really cannot imagine...
i have suicidal thoughts too. But i think my baby girl deserves a chance to grow up in this world.
And my life was given by my mother, I have not rights to end it. If i were to die, the saddest person will not be my husband, but my mother.
My mother has been thru alot, when I was a baby my dad fools around too. Somehow, my mother managed to forgive him. Til now, i can still sense her anger about his affairs. I asked myself, will i be angry with my mother if she had divorced my father and brought me up in a single parent family.
The answer is NO. In fact, I wished she did divorce him then. Because it pains me to see her still carrying the hatred. She will never be truly happy. She can never forget.
dilemma, think about it. Do u and your children really need him? Will your life be happier without him?
Vauxie, if you have the hopes that he will repent, then you should confront him and address this and see if you guys can work things out.
I can sense that you are in limbo, haveing different feelings over this, anger, hurt, calm, etc. Its normal. Your world just came upside down. Do continue to tlk in this forum or even tlk to a counsellor etc. But do tlk it out with your hubby first. Take care.
if u can get him to confess to u what he done it will be good.
But becareful, don't 'teach' him to be smart and know how u get those info.
Lin Lin, i have no intention to talk to him. I intent to file for divorce asap. without his knowledge. I will email his brother & sister to explain what happened and get them to tell his parents. Am I too harsh & rush?
he'll only denied. He's good at that and brushing it off. Because in Sep 07, i checked saw his sms sent to a guy friend asking him to go for a massage. His reply was "special or clean?"
When i confronted him, he denied and after a while prentended nothing happened. I kept it to myself and forgave him for the sake of our baby.
Now he's smart, he deletes all his smses, his internet history. I have no idea where he gets the contact for prostitutes. and he knows i'm checking on him, he's checking my notebook too to see what i'm up to. sad izit it?
sorry to hear that.
maybe u should calm down a bit. Cos if u just file now, did u have anywhere to stay? do u have any evidence
vauxie, its common for cheating man to just brush things aside and pretend nothing happened and just hide their trails better. Same thing with my case.
However, there is small children involve and there are lots of things to plan. e.g. custody, alimony, next time who take care of kid, where you will stay etc. So if not handle well, there migh be case where things become more bitter than it woulds be otherwise.
Dear Mar & Lin Lin
I am looking for a room to rent. As for my gal, I will look for a childcare or my mother will look after her for me. Last resort, I'll leave her wif my in-laws during the day.
After Oct, I will most likely move back to my parents' place. Looking at the bright side, my situation's really not too bad. I have only a child, financially I can managed. I am close to my mother & my own family. So I am sure I'll have their support. Will apply for our own flat when the case's closed.
As for evidence, I am not sure if the screen shots of the smses from his hp are acceptable. I think quite unlikely, will most properly file for separation.
hi vauxie, it's good u have planning.
But on your child part, u have to careful. cos if there is any divorce, the judge will normally want the current arrangement to be continue and if u are letting your in-laws taking care of her, he might get the care and control.
As for evidence, i don't think screen shot of the hp can be use.
perhaps you might want to get legal consultation first on whether the evidence you hve is enough. There are some lawyers who offer free consultation or will reimburse the fees for consultsation for the whole package.
You need to make sure your daughter living arrangement is settled e.g. childcare or your mum. I don't think leaving her with the in laws is a good idea if you want her to be under your care and control.
In the mean time, try to save more money. if possible move in with your parents instead. you might want to share with them the situation and get their support first....
just my 2 cents...
Dear Mar & Lin Lin
Thanks v much for your reply.
Yea... its really silly of me to think of leaving my girl wif my pils. I am very worried tt the judge will want the current arrangement to be contd.
The screen shots most likely will be useless too.
I'm quite sure my hb will contest to this divorce.
I am looking for a lawyer. Do u have any to recommend?
Dear mummies. Recently introduced to SMH. Saw this thread. Got similiar experience. Any support group? Am in the process of divorcing my hubby. Found out abt the affair when my 2nd son was only 3 mths old(still in kk icu for op then). Was devasted. Asked him to leave the woman (he said cant- she was his first -lost contact, recently just met up again thru Facebook) He chose her over the family (don want the 2 kids). Cursed n sued at him (we even had fights). Finally lost hope when he told his family she was his true love, never forget her these past 10 yrs n saw the ppt slides that he made for her to profound his love. The irony is the woman herself is a divorcee with 2 pri sch sons. So, be strong . I know tat its not easy going thru this phrase.
Dear Vauxie, have u found a lawyer? Can introduced mine to u if u like. Free consultation for the first time (thru reference). Can email me. Email: email@example.com
tried to pm u but u don accept pm.
is there actually a support group? i want to join. i NEED to join. i thnk it will help to know im not the only one going crazy.. sigh.
Can give me your lawyer contact? My sister is looking around for one. Thanks.
I also wonder sometimes how to trust my hubby. I try to regain the trust but it is so difficult.
I discovered those smses in his hp and he denied it. He even swears he did not do it but how do I believe it? he even says I am not sound in my mental state.
Should I stay on or walk away?
Is divorce the way out to end my misery?
read my blog to hear my story and I need someone to talk to..
hi emma, read your story. i google for you maybe u can contact http://www.fycs.org/index.cfm?GPID=25 for counselling. Not worth to do anything silly for him. Understand that you are hurting now. Be strong for your 2 gals.
we had been to counselling before but I myself have the emotion up and down. He suggested I went to psycharist.
what does your counsellor says? have u consider looking for PI to follow your hb? cos I think your worry is that he is still doing 'things' behind your back.
I went to your blog... You must be feeling betrayed, confused and unsure of what to believe to the extent that it is driving you crazy.
I am unsure too if you husband is truely helping you or pushing you to the corner by suggesting that you are hallucinating due to depression for an sms that does not exist.
Dear Emma, finding the truth will lead to light. For you to find the truth, you need external help, even if it be from a psychiatrist.
If your husband is lying to you and then pointing a finger back at you saying you are the one depressed, then you need to get a hold of yourself. Do not let him control your mind and emotions. Emma, i am sure before you were married, you were your own woman. Do not fear independence.
However, if what your husband says is true, then you need to pick up the pieces. Do not let your emotions take over your head. If you have set your heart to forgive his past wrongs to you, then move on and look to the future.
Revenge and hate can be released. That too needs counselling help. Please, please see another counsellor urgently if the previous one is not helpful.
What you can do about the hp is to take a picture of the msg and/or note down the number the msg was sent to. You can then pass it to the counsellor/psychiatrist to verify that you were not hallucinating.
i want to ask a question.
is your hub's problem with girls from ktv lounges and health parlours or is he consistently seeing 1 person?
if he is emotionally attached to 1 particular person, it is of course a more sticky situation because feelings are something that is developed over time and to get over it, he needs an even longer time.
I found this thread but realise it has been dormant..thought of finding a place to share my thoughts..its is the first day of lunar new year and I am overjoyed to be celebrating this year with my newborn girl..
to my dismay, I think my spouse may be cheating on me..it has been on my mind for months but while I was typing on my hubby's laptop the list of search history pops up and to my shock the search string reads " Best Places to Make Out in singapore"...
I am still sorting my thoughts but will like to hire PI to prove my suspicion..any advise?
hi, sorry to hear that. can u on your PM. I will PM u
hi, sorry to hear that you discovered this kind of things on new year.
i had used a PI previously to check on my husband, they are experienced and professional, not like those of hear that cheat people money and didm't do the job.
u can try calling him at 84327773, Marcus.
How much isit to get the PI?
mine is having affair with his colleuges, she's a PR (flipino) with 2 kids for 2yrs plus, I knew where she stay, i even ask her to leave him but she will not break up with him unless he tell her so. He told me he'll not leave her as he love both of us equally. I won't leave him cos i still love that much, aso i still have 4 young kids. i really want to break them up, can someone tell how to do it? I used to be a typical housewife, now i try to doll up myself, slim down alot just for him. My kids & my parents know nothing about this. I have no one to talk to especially those that understand how i feel. How do get back at her, i really want my HB back, i don't want to share with her.
Separate names with a comma.