e TV is on, my son is sleeping, my husband is sleepling.... but i am drowning myself with alcohol.
my marriage, as it turned out, was about the biggest mistake of my life
I have married him, knowing that i do not love him. I have thought to myself that since he loves me so much, i will grow to love him too.
I have had so many suitors, so many envious girlfriends. But i have chosen this guy to marry. I thought he would love me always and will always protect and keep me well. perhaps i was too wishful.
after marriage, things took a terrible turn
it seems he did not really love me that much after all... after the courtship is over, guess all things were different
initially he still try to show his concerns, but as days and years go by, things just got worse
i thought having a baby will make things better
I thought
now, my son is close to 2years old
but my husband is nothing more than a house mate
we share the same house, not the same room
we tell each other stuff only coordination purposes... nothing more
we hardly exchange more than a few sentences each day. i try to console myself and kept telling myself that there are more terrible marriages around. that i should be thankful for all the things i have now
but deep inside me, i am sad, lonely and hope he could pay more attention to me. but each time, i will tell myself that i should not expect, because the more i expect, the worse i will feel. i should be independent. i can live with this, for the sake of my son. i must continue to put up with this meaningless marriage.
well, to be fair. he loves his son. he helps to cook his meals and takes him to walks on weekends.
but to me, he is no longer a husband. he is nothging more than a housemate
when he is back, he will be with his computer. he spends so much time with his notebook, i wonder why i married him in the first place. when i have many stuff to carry, he will not volunteer to help carry. when i try to ask him to help, he will just angrily and loudly say i should ask him nicely to help. perhaps i was a bit agitated that he did not offer at all, hence the not so nice tone when i ask eventually.
small matters become big matters. small matters become triggers to big quarrels. i stop quarrelling with him. because of my son. i just kept quiet. i just kept quiet all the time. bearing with it all.
and then recently, i realised, i can in fact be happy after all. there is someone in the office that is attracted to me. i felt happy because i realised that actually i am attractive still. My husband no longer loves me, i thought it was because i am no longer lovely, no longer attractive.
now, i am contemplating whether to cut loss. we had contemplated divorce, but we had not really made the move.
obviously, the current motivation to divorce him is so that i could start a new life and be able to find happiness again. but i fear that my son will be affected. he is still so young.
what will become of him if i really file for divorce. will he hate me? will he become juvenile deliquent in future? will he be good if he grew in a single parent family? will he be able to understand me, the one who made the move to divorce?
am i too selfish to pursue my happiness? should i just put up with the current state and just keep telling myself that i am indeed very lucky already for all things that i have?
