Seeking advice.

L

lonely&sad

New Member
Hi all,

I am a guy here and I thought I could use this thread to seek advice from members of the fairer sex. I am in a dilemma now, and I guess guys will just give me a certain answer to my question.

I know my wife 10 years ago. Only after being together, did I know that she is from a complicated family facing financial difficulties. Most people I guess will simply ignore their plight. But I took up the burden of taking care of her and her family. I only started working at that time and was a really poor chap. I would skipped my own breakfast and/or lunch, just so that I could save the money to buy groceries and daily necessities for her family.
She lost her dad at a young age and her mother is mentally unstable. As a result, she would always get beaten up by her mother. I thought it was my responsibilities to take care of her and found her one of those homes where she went to stay for a while. But this kind of subsidised home will only allow you to stay for a short period of time. In the end, I had no choice but to bring her back to my parents' house to stay without informing my family of course. We have to share a room with my brother and he was really unhappy about it. My mother came to dislike her eventually as she is really lazy. Which mother would bear to see her own son wash the clothes including undergarments of his girlfriend? That was when I decide to teach her a lesson, to let her to wake up. I started texting a close female friend and still leaving those intimate messages on just for her to notice. It was a selfish act I know, and that cause her to be heartbroken. I felt really grief stricken and asked her for forgiveness. Till today, it's something she will bring up whenever we quarrel.
4 years ago, we decided to get married despite not having enough savings. I was still taking care of her family, and spending at least a thousand or two on her and her family each month. And this is the main reason we only went through ROM, no traditional wedding ceremony, wedding banquet or whatsoever. However, I did tell her I will make it up in the future.
As I started to earn more, I started bringing her to restaurants. I would bring her to those premium theatres for movies regularly. I gave her more monthly allowance. Planned ahead for our wedding anniversaries and her birthdays. Apart from supporting her financially, I did all the household chores at home, I even have to buy sanitary pads for her. I consider myself a good husband. Despite doing all these, she started to change around mid 2012. She started going out at night with friends, sometimes not even coming home for 2-3 days straight. I can go to bed alone, and go out for work the next day without seeing her. I suspected her having an affair but chose to believe that she was just out with friends. Finally towards the end of 2012, she told me she wants to go on a trip with her friends and I paid for all the expenses, even buying a new bag and an iPad mini because she asked for them. But alas, I found out on the day she flew off that she went to India instead of Hong Kong. Only then am I sure she has been having an affair. Despite her doing this, I still begged for her to be back. Yet she said that I'm like her father than her husband because I nag too much. Only when I said I will apply for divorce did she agree to be back, but that will be a month later. In the meantime, I found out that she has been spending money on the other guy using the supplementary credit card I provided for her. I was devastated.
She has been back for a year now. During the past one year, I have been trying to save our marriage. I still treat her the same as prior to her leaving the country. I am hoping that she will change for the better. But sad to say, she continue with her ways and I caught her having affairs with 2 other guys during this one year. She has been asking for a divorce for a whole year., and I had no choice but to apply for it. I see no future with her behaviour.
She just signed the papers and I already sent it up for final approval. All of a sudden, she asked me to go back to her after I went to a chalet without being home for 2 days.
I would like to seek advice from all of you now. Is there any way to stop the court from processing a submitted divorce documents? If possible, should I still save our marriage? Despite me being good to her, she continue having affairs and even admitted to having sex with them. Should I still give her a chance or simply move on?
 


Dump her n move on. She is not worth it. This should be a Wakeup call for her. If she really regret, change her way n ask for forgiveness then u consider to be back wit her. If u don't leave she will never change.
 
You seem like such a rare gem.. Don't waste anymore of your life on her.. Better to find someone who appreciates and reciprocate all that u do..

Meanwhile, it's good to give her some timeout to settle and calm herself, yourself too.. If you both are meant to be, she will change to be a better person for you..
 
Hi Jumbo girl & rykgirl,

Thank you for taking time to read through the long story that I wrote. Even though it hardly summed up the past 10 years, it sort of show how much I love her. But it takes 2 hands to clap. I guess I am at fault for causing her to become like this. I shouldn't pampered her, giving in all the time and trying to meet her demands. I guess I spoilt her, making her take things for granted and thinking it's the norm.
I got home last evening, and didn't see her. She already went out to meet her friends. But I saw the pile of clothes still lying on our bed. I was hoping she would hang them up if she really decide to change for the better, but I guess it's my job again. Didn't see her before I went to bed and got a text from her that she will only be back the next afternoon. I woke up a few times thinking of her. Divorce is such a painful process.
Still thanks for giving me advice, really appreciate it.

Yours sincerely.
 
Proceed on with the divorce.
U can still love her and care for her even without that piece of paper.
Without that piece of paper, it will be a true test of love.
No more taking for granted.
 
Hi triple70,

Your thoughts is exactly the same as mine. I didn't want to get married in the first place. I was already taking care of her well being from the very first day I met her. And when she moved into my house, I made sure I took good care of her. I washed her clothes, prepared all the items she needs, bought breakfast and leaving it on the table before I left for work every morning and so on.
Maybe I was poor then, so I put off the idea of getting married at least until I'm better off financially. But all she wanted is a status. But that piece of paper doesn't guarantee that we will have a successful marriage. Sad, but something I have to accept I guess.
Thank you for your advice.

Yours sincerely.
 
Hi Lonely and Sad,

I sincerely think you should leave her and start a fresh new life. I am sure you can find someone whom really cherish you and appreciate what you does for her. To me in order to love someone the most important thing is to know how to "Love Yourself". Is only when you love yourself then you will learn how to love others.

From your story I can tell that your marriage is a 1 way ticket and you are always the 1 giving and your wife receiving and also obviously she is not giving any. Don't think about giving her a 2nd chance cause is useless she will be back to her old self after a while and you have to go through the same hurt again.

Live on I believe you will be able to find someone better then her whom will love you with her heart.
 
Hi passion88,

I understand what you meant by one has to love himself/herself first before he/she can love someone else. I have always believe in this but I guess it's easier said than done.
It's not about giving her a second chance either. This is the third time I have caught her having an affair.
I am going ahead with the divorce. With or without that piece of paper, I have been taking care of her for so long. It's just that a lot of people including my wife, don't understand that marriage has got nothing to do with love. Some get married because others are doing so, some because of responsibilities. But how many really do so because they are sure their love will last a lifetime?
Thank you for taking time off to give me your advice.

Yours sincerely.
 
I too, think that marriage should not have any impact/effect on the love between a couple.. I'm pretty confident that my hubby and I would remain like this even if we did not register our marriage on paper..

Registering on that paper just enables u both to walk further (buy a hdb, have kids with benefits etc), provided your partner must be willing to walk down the long tough road with you as well..
 
I am glad that you have made up your mind. Everyone's love life is different. Some people met the very right person after their first date while some have to go through lots of obstacles before meeting the right person.
For me and my hubby we both went through a lot of obstacle in our love live before meeting each other and we are both very happy with 2 lovely kids now.

I hope you too will get to meet your right girl soon whom appreciate you. Have a great day today :)
 
No men/women deserve to be treated the way you have been treated. She is obviously making use of you, and staying with you only because of the benefits you can provide her. if someone is genuinely in love with someone else, he/she will care for the person like how you have been caring for her. She obviously does not feel the same way.

You deserve so much better.

Move on. Jiayou (Y)
 
I also think you should move on. Ask her to move out of your house. Get totally cut off from her. So that you can truly moved on.

She can get her boyfriend outside to help her too.

You are not the only one who can help her.

Better still, she can find a richer men than you and she can truly be a tai tai.

In a way you are helping her get the life she wans. And also you get your life back.

This is best for both parties.
 
Hi rykgirl, passion88, Hayashi89 and infrared,

Thank you for all your advice. Been away from this forum for a while to calm myself. I guess I have been in self denial for so long, even now.
Deep down I know she doesn't deserve my love and my care, yet I couldn't bear to see her self-destruct.
I really hope I can let go and move on. Just have to take things one step at a time. A sad thing I am such a weakling in love, always so hard to let go.
Once again, thank you for offering all your advice. Without them, I might still be finding fault and blaming myself.

Yours sincerely.
 
Hi lonely and sad

i think she is v lucky . it's not easy to find someone like u to love her n take good care of her. she takes this all for granted

i think it's better for u to move on n start a new life. esp u dont have a kids.

she thinks she is so good, pretty etc . can have hubby n bf. she is shameless. even use your card to buy things for her boy friend

it's good for u to leave her. she doesn't deserve u

all the best for u, i hope u can start a new n happy life, don't let her destroy u. be positive n happy without her.
 
I hope u'll feel better soon.. Ending this chapter gives u opportunity to start another chapter of your life..

I know a number of nice girlfriends who hope to enter a stable r/s with a nice guy like u but it's really rare nowadays.. Don't waste yourself on her anymore.. :)

Wishing u the best of luck!
 
Hi carebearq1 & rykgirl,

Thank you once again for sending your well wishes.
The lawyer just called 2 days ago, asking me to go for the final signing. Once I signed it, my marriage will come to an end. 10 years of being together will come to an end.
Honestly speaking, I am still upset that things have to turn out this way. Even till now, I am still asking if it's totally my fault that things have to turn out this way. Whether it's my bad temper that cause her to run off with another man?
I admit I have a bad temper and will scold her. But it's always because of her being lazy and not working. She doesn't even do housework despite being at home and I'm really angry at times. But never once have I scolded her over a bad day at work or simply because I'm feeling down. No matter what ignite our quarrels or which party is in the right, I am always the one to apologise first and try to appease her. Maybe this is not enough?
Even till now, she's still staying with me and I'm still buying breakfast for her every single morning and dinner whenever she is at home. I'm such a weakling, keep worrying for her. I don't know if I will be able to walk out of this even after divorce. Most people think she's a strong willed girl, or she would never have ran off to India all by herself especially at the high commotion over the raping case at that time.
She kept insisting she can't find a job in Singapore. She doesn't have a proper qualifications, not good looking. I really don't know how she is going to survive by herself. Maybe she's right. I'm more like a worrying father than her husband.
I am going over to sign the paper later, feeling so heavy from the inside now.

Yours sincerely.
 
Hi lonely&sad

hope u will feel better slowly.

dont feel u have responsibility for the whole things. she cannot a job . don't have proper qualification . not your fault

she has so much free time to meet guys . but no time to prepare herself to get a job. surely can find a job but not sure whether she wants to work.

hope everything will go well on your side.

have a happy life !
 
Hi LindaChew & carebearq1,

The main reason I started this thread is to see if any member of the fairer sex will sympathise with my wife, so as to give me an excuse to continue my marriage. But I guess what she did and the way she is still behaving is simply unforgivable.
I always tell friends who are having difficulties with their relationship to look on the bright side. To understand that sometimes, it's better to stay single than get involved with the wrong person. Yet somehow, it's easier said than done.
Anyway, I already went to the lawyer firm to sign the final set of papers. Will just need to wait for the outcome now.

Yours sincerely.
 
In all, we only hear one side of the story. There are always 2 sides of the coins.

In any way, since you've decided, let go of the past for good. It will take time but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You will know better what you want next time. Plan your destiny.
 
Hi redvel,

Yes you are right. But my wife will never be telling her side of the story.
It no longer matters who's right and who's wrong anymore.
She's still staying at my place so I will just continue taking care of her for the time being. Hopefully we can stay close even after divorce, just like those westerners.

Yours sincerely.
 
Hi lonely and sad can I check how's the procedure be like for the seperation. My situation is kinda similar like yours while I try to save the marriage try to communicate but husband just chose to ignore and blame me on everything. He thinks that I won't be brave enough to leave him. It's really mental torture when you see that he can get along with everyone and talk happily with them but yet he talk to you like not more than 5 sentence daily. I suffered 3 mc and he also thinks that everything is my fault and there's nothing wrong with him at all.
 
Hi mangohope,

I'm sad to hear that you are having the same plight same I am.
Actually me and my wife did not go into separation before divorce, in fact, she is still staying with me and I'm still providing for her and washing her clothes.
I am sure that you can divorce immediately if both parties agree to it, but you have got to be married for more than 3 years. Otherwise, you need to enter separation. You can check with a lawyer to have a better understanding. Things become complicated if you have a child and/or assets.
Have you considered seeing a counsellor first to look at ways to improve on your relationship and save your marriage? Divorce is a painful process, do not suffer it alone. Confide in someone. Like me, I called those help line during the period when I didn't want to let anyone know about what my wife did.
Keep me update, and take care.

Yours sincerely.
 
Ya I also called those helpline. My hub is determine to end things so he didn't even wanna go thru the counselling part. It just hurt so damn bad.
 
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