Romance & Intimacy
- Thread starter blurybear
- Start date
margotfonteynfan
Member
Taitai, in a half jest, i think u will have no lack of suitors if u plan to have an affair. this is a half jest because i really mean it, but of course i do not encourage u to do so as it might bring about more problems.
And i don't scorn u in any way for putting up with it. i understand why u do, and admire your ability to do so.
And i don't scorn u in any way for putting up with it. i understand why u do, and admire your ability to do so.
margotfonteynfan
Member
Oh, forgot to answer blury's question. usually, he initiates. sometimes, i set things up so that he will initiate. occasionally, i will initiate. as for romance after having kids, i find that very challenging too.
Taitai (taitai)
Wonder how you can tahan like that. You try wear sexy lah at night. hehehe..
Actually, I gain weight alooooot after I give birth last few yrs. I think I'm lucky that my husband still love to do it with me eventhough I'm verrry uncomfortable with my own body.
However , I wish to lose weight, just to inprove my sex life and off course having a second one.
Wonder how you can tahan like that. You try wear sexy lah at night. hehehe..
Actually, I gain weight alooooot after I give birth last few yrs. I think I'm lucky that my husband still love to do it with me eventhough I'm verrry uncomfortable with my own body.
However , I wish to lose weight, just to inprove my sex life and off course having a second one.
margotfonteynfan
Member
Taitai, I like your wry and at-times-sardonic sense of humour
pink_popsicles
Member
taitai i think ure brave!
Pink, I am not brave. In fact, a coward to put up with all these nonsense. Who in the world would wana live with a man who f*** around and have affairs? The thought of it make me sick.
Ad, hate to sound boastful, but I am not fat after the birth of two kids. Of cuz, with age, breasts a bit saggy, skin around the belly is loose. But overall, I am still ok. I do not look like my age, and I still wear a size S.
It's not my appearance, it's just the man wants variety. I hope he suffers frm erectile dysfunction. hahahahaha
Ad, hate to sound boastful, but I am not fat after the birth of two kids. Of cuz, with age, breasts a bit saggy, skin around the belly is loose. But overall, I am still ok. I do not look like my age, and I still wear a size S.
It's not my appearance, it's just the man wants variety. I hope he suffers frm erectile dysfunction. hahahahaha
pink_popsicles
Member
ya, not brave in its truest form but still. e fact that u just tahan all e nonsense just for e kids...
margotfonteynfan
Member
Taitai! Your last post really made me laugh and laugh, dark humour tho it may be. You're very witty.
Adlieyn, don't stress about your figure. Who knows, maybe your hubby likes you a little fuller? Its more important to be healthy, fit, and happy. (Unless the weight gain is of the unhealthy sort.) I know some gals who were really scrawny and became more normal looking after they had kids, but thought themselves fat. Actually, they look real nice.
I've lost my pregnancy weight, wearing S-size normal clothes, M-size bikini, but so what.... Still got cheated on, what.
Adlieyn, don't stress about your figure. Who knows, maybe your hubby likes you a little fuller? Its more important to be healthy, fit, and happy. (Unless the weight gain is of the unhealthy sort.) I know some gals who were really scrawny and became more normal looking after they had kids, but thought themselves fat. Actually, they look real nice.
I've lost my pregnancy weight, wearing S-size normal clothes, M-size bikini, but so what.... Still got cheated on, what.
newyorkcity
New Member
Coming back to the topic. My wife does expect me to take initiative, but sometimes get frust if she wants it but kept silent. Perhaps men are more straightforward but women expect to be read about their needs.
Taitai, opening up i.e. complaining, is also a form of therapy as it leads to acceptance (not resigned to life but to find courage to address the key issues).
Taitai, opening up i.e. complaining, is also a form of therapy as it leads to acceptance (not resigned to life but to find courage to address the key issues).
NYC, thanks. A bit comforting.
But I guess that's life for me.
You know, I am starting to understand why lao cha bor feel so happy when a young male colleague gives her some attention and praises her for being attractive. Her heart skips a beat, cause the man at home finds her old and boring, sees nothing in her except a walking piece of meat.
But I guess that's life for me.
You know, I am starting to understand why lao cha bor feel so happy when a young male colleague gives her some attention and praises her for being attractive. Her heart skips a beat, cause the man at home finds her old and boring, sees nothing in her except a walking piece of meat.
newyorkcity
New Member
Question is, Taitai, what/who do you see yourself?
There are people whom I have seen using that freedom and enjoying their life exploring into interests they have never done before and there are people waiting for others to receive and accept them as someone worthy of living with.
I could have said, do not revolve yourself around others but then I guess the first question should be why rely on others to determine your self worth?
There are people whom I have seen using that freedom and enjoying their life exploring into interests they have never done before and there are people waiting for others to receive and accept them as someone worthy of living with.
I could have said, do not revolve yourself around others but then I guess the first question should be why rely on others to determine your self worth?
NYC, I cannot answer your questions at all.
Freedom, I do not have. As I am bound by my kids. It's just work and home for me everyday.
Even if I have the time on my own, I have nobody to go out with.
I cannot afford to sign any part-time courses on week nights or weekends cause nobody is there to care for the kids.
Freedom, I do not have. As I am bound by my kids. It's just work and home for me everyday.
Even if I have the time on my own, I have nobody to go out with.
I cannot afford to sign any part-time courses on week nights or weekends cause nobody is there to care for the kids.
positivecalm
New Member
Taitai, jia you! Dont give up! At least u have ur lovely kids with u!
Yup, I have my cutie pies with me, if not, what is the purpose of hanging on.
Luckily, the man loves the kids very much, and my kids love him too.
That's why it makes it very hard to break-up the family nucleus on this basis.
Blury, sometimes I hope I have someone to go out with, shop with, chat with, gossip with.
Luckily, the man loves the kids very much, and my kids love him too.
That's why it makes it very hard to break-up the family nucleus on this basis.
Blury, sometimes I hope I have someone to go out with, shop with, chat with, gossip with.
newyorkcity
New Member
hi taitai
I guess whatever we do, we would place the kids as our first priority. It seems to make sense that breaking up the family for something that you can sacrifice or is already sacrificing, is silly.
But before your kids grow up, the only person who can love you more than himself, is you. Kids have the best ability to adapt. It is you who probably need to change in order get back to live your life.
Perhaps starting small is a solution, like bringing them to a library so you can find something of your interest. You can progress to bringing them to some clubs, or places where kids can have their time.
I have a young family. But I am secretly afraid that my wife will stop growing because she is stay-home mother as well. We reckon that she is generating more economical and emotional value staying at home (the better full-day childcare would cost 1.5k/month) but as I am now trying to 'enrich' her time at home, I realised there will be a limit as to how well she can double a soup, join an online chat group or researching into beauty products.
I like her to play a role in my life too. Like understanding me through my challenges at work, reminding me on the dinner we are supposed to host for a colleague, having something funny to share with me, etc. Likewise, I like to open up to her whether its work or otherwise, sometimes for de-stressing sometimes just to hear another neutral opinion.
I do not know how to convince you but a small step brings a large change across time. What is definite is that the large change will be towards what you want all this while - a happier family.
I guess whatever we do, we would place the kids as our first priority. It seems to make sense that breaking up the family for something that you can sacrifice or is already sacrificing, is silly.
But before your kids grow up, the only person who can love you more than himself, is you. Kids have the best ability to adapt. It is you who probably need to change in order get back to live your life.
Perhaps starting small is a solution, like bringing them to a library so you can find something of your interest. You can progress to bringing them to some clubs, or places where kids can have their time.
I have a young family. But I am secretly afraid that my wife will stop growing because she is stay-home mother as well. We reckon that she is generating more economical and emotional value staying at home (the better full-day childcare would cost 1.5k/month) but as I am now trying to 'enrich' her time at home, I realised there will be a limit as to how well she can double a soup, join an online chat group or researching into beauty products.
I like her to play a role in my life too. Like understanding me through my challenges at work, reminding me on the dinner we are supposed to host for a colleague, having something funny to share with me, etc. Likewise, I like to open up to her whether its work or otherwise, sometimes for de-stressing sometimes just to hear another neutral opinion.
I do not know how to convince you but a small step brings a large change across time. What is definite is that the large change will be towards what you want all this while - a happier family.
NYC, thanks.
I have been doing what you suggested. Like bring the kids to places where they could occupy themselves whilst I "busy" myself with my personal interest.
But sorry to say it that Hubby is not interested in "knowing" me anymore. He has a change in heart, so relationship is not going to work. You understand?
I think on the other hand, I may like to have a new relationship but do not think it's appropriate with kids. You understand?
So, it's very superficial at the moment cause the kids still see us as family, which is very important to them.
I have been doing what you suggested. Like bring the kids to places where they could occupy themselves whilst I "busy" myself with my personal interest.
But sorry to say it that Hubby is not interested in "knowing" me anymore. He has a change in heart, so relationship is not going to work. You understand?
I think on the other hand, I may like to have a new relationship but do not think it's appropriate with kids. You understand?
So, it's very superficial at the moment cause the kids still see us as family, which is very important to them.
moorspa7
Member
Taitai,
If u wish to start a new relationship, do it when you are divorced. If you choose to stay in a marriage, you should abide by the marriage vows even though yr husband has broken the vows. No matter how neglected you may feel, it is your choice to stay in the marriage. Like what NYC said, kids are more adaptable than you think as long the transition is done smoothly.
I also agree with NYC that you do not rely others to determine yr self worth. It is how you see yourself and not others. Hv you thought of how your kids see you when they grow up? Parents are the world to the kids, how do you want to set an example to yr kids? Hv you thought of that your kids would rather hv a happy mother or a mother who lets their father continually emotionally abused her? Hv you also thought of how they would feel if you told them that you stayed in the marriage for their sake but you hardly felt happy in the marriage? You may say that you are staying in the marriage for the sake of the kids, but is that the sole reason? You need to ask yourself why are you still hanging on to the marriage and still feel empty when you are doing it for the kids.
Are you just being present physically for your kids to create an image of a happy family? Or are you also emotionally engaged to yr kids, if you are, then why do you still feel empty? From your many postings in the forum, you feel lonely cos yr husband do not hv eyes for you anymore. Hv you ever tried your very best to get him back? If you hv tried yr best, and his heart does not hv a place for you anymore, then it is better that you move on and not suffer emotionally. If you are totally focused on yr kids' and your well being, you would not feel the emptiness that you are feeling now. How do you know the existence of a family is important to yr kids and not the happiness of their parents? How long do you think you can put up this act without feeling emotionally depleted as days go by?
If u wish to start a new relationship, do it when you are divorced. If you choose to stay in a marriage, you should abide by the marriage vows even though yr husband has broken the vows. No matter how neglected you may feel, it is your choice to stay in the marriage. Like what NYC said, kids are more adaptable than you think as long the transition is done smoothly.
I also agree with NYC that you do not rely others to determine yr self worth. It is how you see yourself and not others. Hv you thought of how your kids see you when they grow up? Parents are the world to the kids, how do you want to set an example to yr kids? Hv you thought of that your kids would rather hv a happy mother or a mother who lets their father continually emotionally abused her? Hv you also thought of how they would feel if you told them that you stayed in the marriage for their sake but you hardly felt happy in the marriage? You may say that you are staying in the marriage for the sake of the kids, but is that the sole reason? You need to ask yourself why are you still hanging on to the marriage and still feel empty when you are doing it for the kids.
Are you just being present physically for your kids to create an image of a happy family? Or are you also emotionally engaged to yr kids, if you are, then why do you still feel empty? From your many postings in the forum, you feel lonely cos yr husband do not hv eyes for you anymore. Hv you ever tried your very best to get him back? If you hv tried yr best, and his heart does not hv a place for you anymore, then it is better that you move on and not suffer emotionally. If you are totally focused on yr kids' and your well being, you would not feel the emptiness that you are feeling now. How do you know the existence of a family is important to yr kids and not the happiness of their parents? How long do you think you can put up this act without feeling emotionally depleted as days go by?
Moorspa
I have always respected your advice.
But I have to own up that I am no saint.
Of course, I am devoted mother to my kids. I love them. But I am only human. There are different roles a woman has. In my case, a good worker, a good colleague, a good mother, a good friend .... a good wife (???)
Many people felt that kids are adaptable, is that so? I don't think so. Not in my case. I have tried to leave the marriage, but the consequences was devastating. Trust me.
I have friends who are unhappily married but still stay on the marriage for the simple fact that they have tried to chat it through with their kids, but was not accepted. You think kids are as innocent as you think. Tell you no. They also want "face", they don't wann face their friends and tell them they are from broken families. My friends' kids told their enstranged parents to suck it up, even if they cannot get along. Cuz its them who brought them here, its not their choice. So these parents just have to continue their separate lives on their own and put up a happy image in front of the public.
Yes, i am lonely. I am a woman who needs emotional/love needs besides my kids.
To ensure a smooth transition .... that will never happen in my marriage.
Why do I rant in this forum, if things can be resolved as what experts have advice ... it's just a dream for me.
Lastly, it's not in my nature to look for affairs even if the other party is a MFB.
I have always respected your advice.
But I have to own up that I am no saint.
Of course, I am devoted mother to my kids. I love them. But I am only human. There are different roles a woman has. In my case, a good worker, a good colleague, a good mother, a good friend .... a good wife (???)
Many people felt that kids are adaptable, is that so? I don't think so. Not in my case. I have tried to leave the marriage, but the consequences was devastating. Trust me.
I have friends who are unhappily married but still stay on the marriage for the simple fact that they have tried to chat it through with their kids, but was not accepted. You think kids are as innocent as you think. Tell you no. They also want "face", they don't wann face their friends and tell them they are from broken families. My friends' kids told their enstranged parents to suck it up, even if they cannot get along. Cuz its them who brought them here, its not their choice. So these parents just have to continue their separate lives on their own and put up a happy image in front of the public.
Yes, i am lonely. I am a woman who needs emotional/love needs besides my kids.
To ensure a smooth transition .... that will never happen in my marriage.
Why do I rant in this forum, if things can be resolved as what experts have advice ... it's just a dream for me.
Lastly, it's not in my nature to look for affairs even if the other party is a MFB.
moorspa7
Member
Taitai,
It is not yr nature to look for affairs, but being emotionally depleted will put you in a vulnerable position for affairs. If a guy treats you really nice, makes you feel loved again, would you succumb to temptation? It is hard to tell, cos human emotions are hard to predict. No matter what, women lose out in affairs. We get emotionally involved easily, even we may tell ourselves to be detached. Like what passila has mentioned, to keep yrself occupied. It can be a small business or pursuing yr own hobbies etc. It is all abt diverting yr attention away from yr sadness, loneliness etc.
I feel sad to hear abt yr friends' situation and what their kids has said to them, it just goes to show how selfish their kids are. But, hv you ever thought why the kids are like that? If the parents hv been putting up an act for such a long time, all for the sake of "face", what do you think this action teaches the kids? When the kids are grown up, those who are selfish will say might as well continue the act since you hv been doing it for so long, or if the mother has always nurture the kids with good moral values, and they can empathize what the mum went through, they would encourage her to leave the marriage as they want her to be happy.
My two kids are different in character, my elder gal has seen me cried, being sad and angry due to my husband in the past. Sometimes, she will tell me to be happy when I told her I may leave her daddy when the time comes, of course she does not know what may happen after a divorce. Nurturing yr kids now is very important if you want them to grow up as responsible, filial, kind adults. How many kids are able to empathize with what their parents go through to earn a living when everything is well provided for them without them hving to struggle when they do not go through hardship at a young age? My advice to you is to teach and guide yr kids well, and not to just provide happiness for them at yr expense of yr emotional health. I know most kids come from a family of working parents and most of them are well provided materially, that they don't treasure the things that their parents hv bought for them. This is what I hv learnt from my gal when she was in P1 last year, her friends gave her toys that they hv grown tired of, and I told her to give it back. At the end of the day, it is yr life and only you can make a difference in your future. It doesn't hv to be so bleak. Take care.
It is not yr nature to look for affairs, but being emotionally depleted will put you in a vulnerable position for affairs. If a guy treats you really nice, makes you feel loved again, would you succumb to temptation? It is hard to tell, cos human emotions are hard to predict. No matter what, women lose out in affairs. We get emotionally involved easily, even we may tell ourselves to be detached. Like what passila has mentioned, to keep yrself occupied. It can be a small business or pursuing yr own hobbies etc. It is all abt diverting yr attention away from yr sadness, loneliness etc.
I feel sad to hear abt yr friends' situation and what their kids has said to them, it just goes to show how selfish their kids are. But, hv you ever thought why the kids are like that? If the parents hv been putting up an act for such a long time, all for the sake of "face", what do you think this action teaches the kids? When the kids are grown up, those who are selfish will say might as well continue the act since you hv been doing it for so long, or if the mother has always nurture the kids with good moral values, and they can empathize what the mum went through, they would encourage her to leave the marriage as they want her to be happy.
My two kids are different in character, my elder gal has seen me cried, being sad and angry due to my husband in the past. Sometimes, she will tell me to be happy when I told her I may leave her daddy when the time comes, of course she does not know what may happen after a divorce. Nurturing yr kids now is very important if you want them to grow up as responsible, filial, kind adults. How many kids are able to empathize with what their parents go through to earn a living when everything is well provided for them without them hving to struggle when they do not go through hardship at a young age? My advice to you is to teach and guide yr kids well, and not to just provide happiness for them at yr expense of yr emotional health. I know most kids come from a family of working parents and most of them are well provided materially, that they don't treasure the things that their parents hv bought for them. This is what I hv learnt from my gal when she was in P1 last year, her friends gave her toys that they hv grown tired of, and I told her to give it back. At the end of the day, it is yr life and only you can make a difference in your future. It doesn't hv to be so bleak. Take care.
moorspa7
Member
Typo error,
"It is not yr nature to look for affairs, but being emotionally depleted may put you in a vulnerable position for affairs."
It shld be may not will. Taitai, I wish you happiness but everytime I see your postings, I feel u re walking in circles unable to come out of yr unhappiness. Sorry to say this, just cos you hv seen too many unhappy situations in yr friends or pple around you doesn't mean there's the way the world is. U need to know yrself and why things happens this way, so that history doesn't repeat itself. Even if u tried to leave the marriage, and the consequences were devastating, does it mean you can't try again a few years later? Things don't always stay e same as long you brace yrself up as life is always filled with challenges in all forms. See the world in a wider perspective, there re pple in worse situations but they still pull through. As long u don't give up, u can find the light at e end of the tunnel.
"It is not yr nature to look for affairs, but being emotionally depleted may put you in a vulnerable position for affairs."
It shld be may not will. Taitai, I wish you happiness but everytime I see your postings, I feel u re walking in circles unable to come out of yr unhappiness. Sorry to say this, just cos you hv seen too many unhappy situations in yr friends or pple around you doesn't mean there's the way the world is. U need to know yrself and why things happens this way, so that history doesn't repeat itself. Even if u tried to leave the marriage, and the consequences were devastating, does it mean you can't try again a few years later? Things don't always stay e same as long you brace yrself up as life is always filled with challenges in all forms. See the world in a wider perspective, there re pple in worse situations but they still pull through. As long u don't give up, u can find the light at e end of the tunnel.
newyorkcity
New Member
hi taitai & moorspa
I realised I have been learning a lot from your perspective and that my suggestions were bouncing off from a much more matured thoughts (whether it is a result of your consequence or your belief, it doesn't matter).
Even passila, whom I thought to be a MLM-prowler, gave a strong but insightful statement about 'dead-ending' oneself and how it would eventually lead to one's depreciating value.
Taitai, somehow talking about it is better than keeping mum. Perhaps doing something about it is the next better to talking about it for too long. We all have such habits, I should say so for myself too. In the meantime, we find our own happyness.
moorspa, thanks.
I realised I have been learning a lot from your perspective and that my suggestions were bouncing off from a much more matured thoughts (whether it is a result of your consequence or your belief, it doesn't matter).
Even passila, whom I thought to be a MLM-prowler, gave a strong but insightful statement about 'dead-ending' oneself and how it would eventually lead to one's depreciating value.
Taitai, somehow talking about it is better than keeping mum. Perhaps doing something about it is the next better to talking about it for too long. We all have such habits, I should say so for myself too. In the meantime, we find our own happyness.
moorspa, thanks.
NYC, I may not be elaborative enough in my "pour-outs" in the forum.
It's not I am not doing anything but mulling over my griefness at home.
It's just the emptiness - it is not just doing something that will "fill" you up. Every individual have their want.
Mine simply put it is that I have always wanted a happy and simple family of my own.
The man is a doting and responsible father to the kids. He loves them but not me.
Have you ever seen your kids cry, beg and scream in despair? That scene scene is tattooed in my mind till death.
As much as I want out, there is this part of me that say no.
Moorspa, I do not agree with you that I should not feel empty when I know I am staying put for the sake of my kids. As a woman, there are other needs that I look for.
Passila, thank you but no thank you. But I am not into selling to fulfill my emptiness. Full-time job is already a killer.
It's not I am not doing anything but mulling over my griefness at home.
It's just the emptiness - it is not just doing something that will "fill" you up. Every individual have their want.
Mine simply put it is that I have always wanted a happy and simple family of my own.
The man is a doting and responsible father to the kids. He loves them but not me.
Have you ever seen your kids cry, beg and scream in despair? That scene scene is tattooed in my mind till death.
As much as I want out, there is this part of me that say no.
Moorspa, I do not agree with you that I should not feel empty when I know I am staying put for the sake of my kids. As a woman, there are other needs that I look for.
Passila, thank you but no thank you. But I am not into selling to fulfill my emptiness. Full-time job is already a killer.
moorspa7
Member
Taitai,
It is cos you still hv the expectations of what u think a married woman needs. I feel it is more of expectations rather than needs. Like you I hv always wanted a happy family of my own but it didn't happen. I hv been through the loneliness and emptiness that i think my husband could hv fulfil it.. It takes a long time for me to realize that I do not need him to complete me. Every human being wants to be loved, however, to be loved by someone, we need to love ourselves first.
Being in a negative state for too long will make u feel more depressed and unhappier. Hv you ever thought why some people lose their sanity? Do you think it is being negative or positive that leads to loss of sanity? I used to hv the thinking that my husband complete me, but reading up different websites on love n marriage, to hv a happy marriage, we must love ourselves first. Thinking back, if I continue to self pity myself after being betrayed by my husband 3 yrs ago til now, what would I become? I saw how my behaviour affected my kids, being positive is the only way out to being a better and stronger person.
I know you still find it hard to be positive. Complaining for short term is venting out, however, in long term it is damaging as you would be running in circles. I hv been there and it did me no good cos when I complain, I just want to hear what I want to hear from others. May you find peace soon.
It is cos you still hv the expectations of what u think a married woman needs. I feel it is more of expectations rather than needs. Like you I hv always wanted a happy family of my own but it didn't happen. I hv been through the loneliness and emptiness that i think my husband could hv fulfil it.. It takes a long time for me to realize that I do not need him to complete me. Every human being wants to be loved, however, to be loved by someone, we need to love ourselves first.
Being in a negative state for too long will make u feel more depressed and unhappier. Hv you ever thought why some people lose their sanity? Do you think it is being negative or positive that leads to loss of sanity? I used to hv the thinking that my husband complete me, but reading up different websites on love n marriage, to hv a happy marriage, we must love ourselves first. Thinking back, if I continue to self pity myself after being betrayed by my husband 3 yrs ago til now, what would I become? I saw how my behaviour affected my kids, being positive is the only way out to being a better and stronger person.
I know you still find it hard to be positive. Complaining for short term is venting out, however, in long term it is damaging as you would be running in circles. I hv been there and it did me no good cos when I complain, I just want to hear what I want to hear from others. May you find peace soon.
vera_chong
New Member
Taitai, I hear you. Loud and clear. My situation is probably very similar to you. I feel trapped. 10 years marriage, 3 young kids and zero intimacy. At least you have career. I am stay home mum. I know hb loves the kids a lot and loves me too. But it is no longer the same kind of love. He cares about me, but not enough. We no longer have conversations. He is simply not interested in my life, my thoughts or anything about me. I am hurting and very depressed and lonely. No one to really talk to. Like what moorspa said, have I tried hard enough to get his attention? I think I have tried enough, but everytime when things seem to be improving, they never last. Give it a month or two, it returns to what it was. We are housemates, parents and that is it. Not even friends. If I don't talk to him, he doesn't talk to me at all and it can be like this for weeks. Even when I talk to him, he is not interested and very often, just react as if I am wasting his time, interrupting his me-time.
I have thought of divorcing countless times. But lack the courage to do it. Whenever I think about my kids, I feel really sad. It is only the emotional neglect that is killing me, otherwise when people look at my life, they will think it is pretty good. But the emotional neglect is killing me and I just cant imagine living the rest of my life like this. What will happen to me when my kids are grown and leave the nest?
Yet, I also wonder if I divorce, and become a single working mum with 3 kids, will I be any happier? What chance will there be to meet another man who will love and cherish me when I have 3 kids. If I don't meet anyone, and ended just as lonely, then it will be even worse isn't it, especially since my kids will also have to grow up in broken family. I feel so lost.
I have thought of divorcing countless times. But lack the courage to do it. Whenever I think about my kids, I feel really sad. It is only the emotional neglect that is killing me, otherwise when people look at my life, they will think it is pretty good. But the emotional neglect is killing me and I just cant imagine living the rest of my life like this. What will happen to me when my kids are grown and leave the nest?
Yet, I also wonder if I divorce, and become a single working mum with 3 kids, will I be any happier? What chance will there be to meet another man who will love and cherish me when I have 3 kids. If I don't meet anyone, and ended just as lonely, then it will be even worse isn't it, especially since my kids will also have to grow up in broken family. I feel so lost.
vera_chong
New Member
Actually I don't think he cares much about me too. Even when I am sick or obviously in pain, he never asks me. He is very different with the kids. Ever so gentle and caring with them but with me, he is so cold and impatient. I tried to accept that this is my lot, that my marriage will be sexless and for the rest of the my life, it will be this bleak. I tell myself at least I have my 3 kids. But I know this is also deluding myself. I may be positive outwardly, but inside I am crumbling. I go through cycles of ups and downs, periods of feeling calm and content when I can convince myself that my kids' happiness is sufficient and periods of despair and desperation and frustration when I run out of energy and motivation. My sister tells me to go back to work. But after not working for 10 years, it is very hard to find suitable work. I don't believe just doing any kind of job as distraction will make me happier. It will only add to the stress if the work is unsuitable for me. So how?
Sorry for the rambling.
Sorry for the rambling.
shearer
Active Member
It takes two hands to clap. and things alway happen for a reason. why do men have diminished interest in their wives? why do women have increased expectations of their husbands once babies step into the picture? do not ever leave your other half just for sex. whether is it having sex outside the family or deprived of sex inside the family.
its simply not worth it.
its simply not worth it.
moorspa7
Member
Shearer,
I agree with you. Everything happens for a reason. Vera, tai tai, maybe u want to go for counseling to find the root cause, it may give you some light. For me, I never give up looking for answers or stop communicating with my husband even it was quite tormenting at some point. It is fine with me now if there is no happy ending. I just live one day at a time. Acceptance of my current situation releases me from the unhappiness I had for years. When communication stops in the marriage, everything starts to disintegrate til there are no more feelings for each other.
I agree with you. Everything happens for a reason. Vera, tai tai, maybe u want to go for counseling to find the root cause, it may give you some light. For me, I never give up looking for answers or stop communicating with my husband even it was quite tormenting at some point. It is fine with me now if there is no happy ending. I just live one day at a time. Acceptance of my current situation releases me from the unhappiness I had for years. When communication stops in the marriage, everything starts to disintegrate til there are no more feelings for each other.
I have been through counselling, therapy, divorce counselling etc etc etc ... spent a bomb.
Have gone through with the man, have done self-therapy.
The root of the cause .... man is tired of me, but still wants marriage cuz of kids.
Me ... simple woman who hopes to find a partner to spend the rest of my life with. Need companionship.
Have gone through with the man, have done self-therapy.
The root of the cause .... man is tired of me, but still wants marriage cuz of kids.
Me ... simple woman who hopes to find a partner to spend the rest of my life with. Need companionship.
moorspa7
Member
Taitai,
I hv already explained myself why I am staying in the marriage in my previous postings in other threads to you weeks or months ago. Many pple hv different reasons staying in the marriage, be it a fulfilling or meaningless marriage. I hv friends who stayed in the marriage for the kids but they make the best out of what they hv, and not focus on what they don't hv. If one persists to focus on what he/she don't hv, it'll only grow discontentment. Contentment brings happiness and peace to a person. If you hv tried counseling and many therapies and it doesn't help, it is time to look within yrself, cos no one can help you if you do not know yrself.
Btw, I let go of my expectations of a marriage. Again, peace to you.
I hv already explained myself why I am staying in the marriage in my previous postings in other threads to you weeks or months ago. Many pple hv different reasons staying in the marriage, be it a fulfilling or meaningless marriage. I hv friends who stayed in the marriage for the kids but they make the best out of what they hv, and not focus on what they don't hv. If one persists to focus on what he/she don't hv, it'll only grow discontentment. Contentment brings happiness and peace to a person. If you hv tried counseling and many therapies and it doesn't help, it is time to look within yrself, cos no one can help you if you do not know yrself.
Btw, I let go of my expectations of a marriage. Again, peace to you.
Moorspa, sorry to sound inquisitive.
In reality, how do you and hubby live under the same roof? I tried to go back to the old threads to read about your relationship with your hubby, but I may have missed out. Care to share?
I am just curious, that you could live separate lives, with your kids knowing that.
In reality, how do you and hubby live under the same roof? I tried to go back to the old threads to read about your relationship with your hubby, but I may have missed out. Care to share?
I am just curious, that you could live separate lives, with your kids knowing that.