Problems with staying with inlaws

[hpliew]

Need a place to pour out my grief... thus this post...

My father inlaw has been staying with us for the past 11/2 and I'm still not used to having him around the house. My only happy time is when he goes overseas.

My tolerence of him worsen when my girl is born.
He having asthma loves to kiss my girl & bring her to his room(I know grandpa loves grandchild is no prob) but he is constantly coughing, and that where all the viruses are.. I always have to be the bad person and ask my hubby yo bring her out of his room. But the hubby thinks it is ok and said there aren't any virus. (Someone please advise if coughing does contain the most virus)

Of late, I notice that he spit into the kitchen sink but he washes it after the spit. But I notice the phlegm was there when I washes my girl's bottles!!! Was so piss that I post it on twitter & the next moment my hubby got a whatsapp from his sis (who happen to b my follower). I don't care about what are the onversation, I only wanted to "voice" my anger, as my hubby will sure side with his dad.

I know my EQ is very bad and tend to have a bad temper but I'm doing it for the sake of my girl.. C'on she's my everything, I don't want her to fall sick or what....

Hope someone out there share my concern...

 

[mumusings]

While I empathise with your concerns over your bb's health/viruses etc, you also have to be more temperate when handling your FIL because he's afterall your hb'd daddy and your senior.

I have asthma and I do not hide from my boy when I cough. My hb also agrees that the kid should know when I'm not well and train him to not shun from illness and instead show concern for us when we're unwell (like bringing water to us, massage our neck and wish us speedy recovery etc).

Asthma cough isn't the same as flu. You can't catch asthma from being next to someone who's wheezing btw. I'm saying this because I was down with asthma for nearly 6 months non-stop when my son was 2 and I would cough through the night + sometimes vomit out whatever I ate.

Regarding the yucky sight in the basin - well this is something you may not be able to change if it's a habit. However, you might want to raise the issue gently with your hb from another angle instead of getting straight to the point (that it's unhygienic). Especially if you know your hb will side with his dad, being antagonistic will make things worse if your tweets end up being mis-construed.

I'm not sure if you understand what I'm trying to put across...

Put it this way, how will you feel if you're in your 60s (many years from now) and your daughter/son-in-law takes your grandchild away from your arms and says to the kid "hey don't stay in popo's room - so dirty and smelly, you may fall sick if she kisses you!".

I hope I don't offend you with my frank reponse. I grew up loved by my grandparents and I wish also to be loved by my grandchildren (even if I stink and cough all the time).

 

[hpliew]

Dear mumusings,

Thanks for sharing.

I may not know hw pple suffering frm asthma feel but I think one should practice hygiene while handling infants especially.

 

[newbiemum]

Just my 2 cents worth...

I agree with Mumusings that you can't catch asthma from
Cough as ppl with asthma generally cough to catch their breathe. I know because I suffer from asthma as well

I think all the negativity prob stems from the fact that you dislike your FIL? So every little thing that he does irks you? I used to feel this way abt my ILs as well but I decided to change my thinking and accept their love for my daughter.

Since you mentioned that he loves your daughter, I'm sure he wouldn't purposely put her in harm...

Try to accept your FIL, his love for you daughter and you may be a happier person.

 

[mumusings]

Put it this way. Will you allow your hb to treat your parents the same way if they were the ones with asthma and 'poor' hygiene?

I grew up with my grandparents and grandpas had all sorts of ailments + urinary problems. That didn't make me unhealthy/ill. Toilets stink and sometimes I see blood in phlegm. These sights made me want to stay with them and care for them even more.

You must remember that you will also grow old one day and your kid/kid-in-law will have to put up with your idiosyncracies/habits too.

I sincerely hope you can reconsider the way you interpret the situation

Let me share with you. My granny is ill and bedridden. Old folks emanate a stench especially when they are ill. Someone once asked me why I allow my bb to visit her (bad luck, bad vibes etc). Am I going to deprive my granny of seeing her only great-grandchild just because it's pantang or whatever??? I told my hb, my saddest day will be IF we bring up our son to feel icky about old folks BECAUSE we will be punished one day when we're old.

Imagine my future daughter-in-law say "Why let the kid visit? She's dying anyway! So 'sway' later fail exam or bad luck how?..."

As parents, we're no longer just responsible for ourselves but also our extended families. Your father-in-law clearly loves the child. My dad can be very unhygienic sometimes so what I do is to get my sis/mom to gently ask him to bathe/change/wash hands before playing with my son. He also understands now 'cos there's so much about the HFMD being highlighted in the news.

 

[mumusings]

Also to add. Children will mirror the the biases of parents. What we demonstrate (whether intentional or not) will rub off on our kids.

Yes, hygiene is important so it's more constructive to highlight it rather than make it a public tweet. The old folk may not realise his ways can harm the child. Have you talked to your husband or see if your sis-in-law understands your concerns?

 

[susanna_low]

mumusings, thanks for sharing your post n made me miss my late grandparents so much.

You are right, we as parents should install the right values for our kids since young.

 

[mrstang]

yes, agree, being able to live with old folk is a virtue in most cases. Because we learn to be more adhering, caring, patience, and understanding, empathy... More good than harm.
They are more careless that's why the more they need us to be around.
I do agree they have some hygiene problem, but can teach our young child to handle dirty sinks or toilet seats from home too, you be amaze what they are capable of hygiene in public places when they grow up.
I lived with thatsince my girl was born and my girl is 7 years now. She knows how to clean and avoid in public places and I do not need to worry when she uses public area. that in turns taught her to be thoughful when using public areas, to be hygienic and keep it clean for the next user...
I hope you kids are alo benefitting from this trial...

 

[meowie323]

I agree with the other mummies. I have asthma since childhood too and had to be hospitalized on several occasions and yes, asthma makes a person wants to cough but that is to bring in more oxygen into the body, and not due to virus. Asthma is not contagious. Perhaps you should spend more time understanding his ailment and try to help him to control his condition (asthma can be controlled via regular use of steroids evohaler) instead. If he were your own father, I'm sure you will want him to become better right?

 

[mumusings]

Hi all,

I know of a young man (the only male grandchild and well doted upon) who didn't wish to visit his grandmother who was in ICU because in his own words "my presence won't revive her right?". How will you feel if you were the old person (who may be able to hear every word but cannot respond)? He is this way because his mother doesn't like her MIL and will bribe him to stay away from her (using the computer). I told my mom not to get angry with such ppl because their day will come when they are abandoned in old age.

My mother/granny used to teach me how to wipe clean all toilet bowls before using and also to let seats 'cool' before immediately sitting down. They also taught me to be tolerant of old folks because they can't help coughing sometimes due to overworking in their youth. I have a sensitive nose, eczema and asthma >> when all activated, I'm a sore sight and alot of noise at home. My hb teaches my toddler to bring me warm water, massage my neck and check on me when I'm resting. Likewise, he'll do so when daddy isn't well. The world is already a very unfeeling place -- shouldn't we encourage better interation and nurturing?

Hope I didn't offend anyone with my frank words.

 

[mumusings]

Hi Susanna,

Thanks. I miss my grandpas dearly too. My grandpa (till his last surgery which caused his death) would bring me out every evening despite diabetes affecting his mobility. How can I ever bring myself to focus on their carelessness/smell/phlegm?? Likewise my granny. I've had much unkind and thoughtless words said to me about my grandmother and how visiting her will cause my boy and I 'damage'. Will these people say the same thing if it were their own parents?

Very easy to pick on each other because of personal frustrations and lack of freedom (with elderly) at home. I guess we all have to learn how to cope with different habits and teach our children to partake in helping out at home.

 

[hpliew]

Dear all,
I do agree that I am not very happy that my fil has to come stay with us due to some family affairs. Maybe that is why I literally "hate" everything he does...

Btw thanks for some of your kind advise, will try my very best to tolerant his behaviour and accept the fact that he will be staying with us permanently... Just give me time!!!!

 

[mumusings]

We'll be always here if you need a listening ear (and also nagging hehehe)...

Every family will have its own stories (nice and nasty). Be brave, objective and don't give up!

All the best and let us know how things progress!

 

[xsun]

I miss my late grandpa too! My biggest regret is not visiting him when he was sent to nursing home after his stroke. I always tell myself visit next wk, next wk, plus i was working n had to be overseas most times.

One late nite, had a call frm my parents. He had a heart attack n pass on in the nursing home.

Till now, i still kick myself for being so unfilial...

When he was still alive, he was a v stubborn man. He will smoke those indonesian cigs and stink up the whole hse. When he wanna watch football, no1 can touch the channel.

But he loves me so so much and indulge in me when i was a young child. I rem once i told him i like to ride in a car with no top (convertible), and he chg his car to a white 2door convertible the next time i visited him!! I will nv forget tat moment.

He was also the one who will always save me when the rotan comes frm my dad. And among all his grandkids, only i get to sit on his shoulders.

Sorry gg out of point here...grandfolks r the best!

I miss u, yeye!

 

[emma_mom]

hi hpliew,
how old is your bb gal? I think u may still be overwelm with a new bb and your hormones is acting up causing you to feel more easily frustrated/angry.
Hope you will feel more calm and rationalised after more time passed by.

i agree with the other mommies' that asthma coughing is not contagious. If he is just having asthma, there is no virus at all. If you don't believe us, you can ask the PD on your bb's next visit (i assume your bb is still below 1yo and would be going for vaccination visits).

On his bad habit of spitting in the kitchen sink. It's a bit tricky here. Firstly talk nicely to your hubby explaining it's really unhygienic as you wash your bb's bottles there. Then get your hubby to talk to your FIL.
But be prepared your FIL might not be able to change his habit as it's quite a norm that elderly usually difficult to change.
If he can't change, then you just have to clean the sink before you start washing bottles there. No point getting angry over it. At least it's something that you can 'rectify'. It's not like he spits on the floor, which is 100x worst.

 

[mumusings]

Hi all,

Agree with EM. Maybe you could get some nice boxed tissues and place them next to the sink and get hb to ask him to spit into the paper before discarding?


Hi Sungrapes,

Yes, I took my grandpas for granted and always insisted that they take me out on long evening walks to buy sweets and stationery. Must have been tedious 'cos my maternal grandpa had severe diabetes and was limping. As for paternal grandpa, I was away after he recovered from a hospital stay and he happily told me not to worry just go enjoy myself. The last thing I expected was a call 2 days later to say he had a fall and soon passed away after that

This I cannot forgive myself and I don't wish to repeat for any loved ones. Whether my toddler understands or not, I tell him that we must visit the old folks monthly because we should bring something down to treat them (toiletries for my bedridden granny and a simple dinner with my maternal granny).

I am just very relieved that my paternal granny managed to have one year of joy carrying and kissing my bb (around 20 visits) before she fell ill. Now she can only stare blankly, try to beckon to us and swing her hands to indicate that she's trying her best to hang on to life. In fact, when the docs declared her 'brain dead', I brought sound recordings of my bb's laughter and babbling for her to listen to. She cried and woke up but bedridden/dazed for good. If we had listened to the doctors and given up on her, we would have made a grave mistake.

Being ill/weak will be an eventual state many of us will be in when we grow old. I simply do not wish to hear calculating words and thoughtless comments within my earshot when that happens. To prevent that, we need to bring up our kids to focus on values and family ties, not grades, enrichment programmes, earning tonnes of money etc.

Look at the Ferrari hell-driver. What is he leaving for his family? Property and cars for cash sale, yes. But what about values? What is his daughter going to learn from this? Snag a guy who can buy you LV and a penthouse + let him go flirt at 4am so long as he comes home with more pocket money??

 

[susanna_low]

Whether we are in our 20's or 30's, it wont be far for us to reach 40's, 50's in a wink of eye.

Life is too short to dwell on unhappiness, treasure those around us as we don't know when will illness strike or mishaps (choy).

 

[xsun]

Smtime ago, i was cradling my bb in my arms as he was falling alseep. Loking at his angelic face, a strong wave of love and gratitude wash over me and i felt my eyes watering as i stared at him.

I asked God, wat hv i done to deserve this perfect gift? A million tots and emotions rushed thru my head...then suddenly it occured to me...

The next time i carry a bb in my arms overwhelmed with so much feelings of love and warmth will be the time when im carrying my own grandchild...