MOTHER-IN-LAW PROBLEMS

[loveholic]

For me i would rather rent a hdb than live with pil. Is like u owe them a favour and can never repay like that.. at least i believe this would be their mindset.

we did consider rental before. cause i felt that my sanity was more important hahahha. but eventually due to cost issues, i agreed to bear with it and stay with them.
but now after work my hb and i will go for dinner then go home. most of the time he will suggest going to the malls or ikea so that we can still walk around after dinner before going home. once home, we will be in our room already. any interactions is between my hb and them. i just stay in the room. it's miserable, i admit. but i always tell myself i'm stronger than that. hahahaha.

 

[pixie ng]

If u rent from hdb, 3rm will costs bout $800plus per month.. that what my friend told me...

But if u can endure is the best.. can save the money for your renovation!

 

[loveholic]

If u rent from hdb, 3rm will costs bout $800plus per month.. that what my friend told me...

But if u can endure is the best.. can save the money for your renovation!

yeap! $800/mth x 36 months of waiting time = $28k+! that amount of money can be used for reno n furniture in the future!

so now, enduring for the sake of that :/

 

[loveholic]

Renting is out of the QN so expensive! Rather save the money for smth more useful.

Also don't understand why MILs are so difficult to deal with.

@loveholic - omg your MIL sounds like a nightmare. I would also put of having kids if she's going to pull off such crazy stuffs.

@icyjol - 4 digit! Haha my bf will jiak hong if he gives 4 digits. And I'm not going to "add on" to give them allowances. Does your husband give you / family allowances too? Should he still give if the wife earns more? I think should cause the whole family follows his surname (and we need to be adequately compensated for this) haha

i know right! and plus she's SOOOOOOOO lazy.. she cant even do simple things like pouring herself a cup of water. she has to wait till my husband happens to go to the kitchen, then she just command from the living room cause she's glued to the chair watching her korean drama on tv. she even commands my HB and i to serve her food when she has her own pair of hands to do so.

if u are that lazy, what makes u think i would trust u to take care of my child? she keeps hinting that she doesnt mind taking care of her grandchild nxt time. im just respecting her by not telling her that I MIND.

 

[richiemccaw]

@loveholic - I will just like to say that your avatar does look like it depicts your current situation quite well.

 

[loveholic]

@loveholic - I will just like to say that your avatar does look like it depicts your current situation quite well.

HAHAHAHAHA thank you. that's gonna be me till i eventually move out ~

 

[karoosel]

For my MIL everything is difficult.. Even just opening a canned drink. She isn't lazy but her sentences usually end with "...so difficult"

Ironically she keeps telling me her sisters or friends (cashiers at ntuc where she shops) all take care of their grandchildren. She's hinting to care for my girl. I just nod and acknowledge but i know i will have a headache if i let her care for my girl.

I am also counting down to moving out of pils house.. Hope our house finish soon.

 

[loveholic]

For my MIL everything is difficult.. Even just opening a canned drink. She isn't lazy but her sentences usually end with "...so difficult"

Ironically she keeps telling me her sisters or friends (cashiers at ntuc where she shops) all take care of their grandchildren. She's hinting to care for my girl. I just nod and acknowledge but i know i will have a headache if i let her care for my girl.

I am also counting down to moving out of pils house.. Hope our house finish soon.

Our situation sounds sooooo similar. I feel you :/

Lets all hang in there together!! We can do it!!

 

[karoosel]

Our situation sounds sooooo similar. I feel you :/

Lets all hang in there together!! We can do it!!

Yes we can! I wouldnt recommend having kids too soon at this point. You think mil is annoying now, wait till you pop her the first grandchild but if it happens, then you have to prepare yourself..

 

[pixie ng]

I think most of the cases is lack of communication hence there is assumption on both side. For me before i pregnant i already inform that i will be sahm and my kids will be taught only my way. So now & then if anyone forgets, i will ask my hub to send gentle reminder

 

[richiemccaw]

'gentle reminder'?

 

[pixie ng]

'gentle reminder'?

Like how parents always gentle reminder theie kids. Keep saying the same thing over n over again. But the difference is i never ask for their help like stay at their house or ask them for loans or ask them to look after my kids or help in my confinement. All along i have been independent living alone and i like it this way and only like to do things according to my own way. Even my parents also dun demand me to do things, they will only suggest

Most importantly before marriage i already state im ang mo pattern. So if their son 1 2 marry me, this is my pattern they hv to accept

 

[shoppixe]

It's always weird to hear mil talk
MIL - "I'm helping to take care of my grandchildren"
DIL - "my mil insist on taking care of my child"
MIL - "I love my grandchild so much"
DIL - "my mil spoils my child till he/she is a brat."
MIL - "My DIL doesn't know how to discipline children."
DIL - "my mil doesn't let me discipline my child."

 

[richiemccaw]

That's just the way human beings are I guess. 'Our way' is always the correct way - many people think like that. Hence whatever they have done previously would surely have to be the right way.

Breastfeeding vs formula milk is a classic example of this for me. I understand that back in the 80s, formula milk was the 'in' thing and it may have been a sign of wealth to be able to feed one's child with formula milk since that doesnt come cheap. However we clearly are surrounded by literature and medical advice that says that breast milk is the most beneficial to a child. That's one disconnect between the correct thing to do back then and now.

I just try my best to listen to everyone. Whether I actually do it is another matter altogether..

 

[icyjol]

Renting is out of the QN so expensive! Rather save the money for smth more useful.

Also don't understand why MILs are so difficult to deal with.

@loveholic - omg your MIL sounds like a nightmare. I would also put of having kids if she's going to pull off such crazy stuffs.

@icyjol - 4 digit! Haha my bf will jiak hong if he gives 4 digits. And I'm not going to "add on" to give them allowances. Does your husband give you / family allowances too? Should he still give if the wife earns more? I think should cause the whole family follows his surname (and we need to be adequately compensated for this) haha

He earns more than me. I actually don't earn much. He doesn't give me allowance because I am also working, and his salary not a lot already still give my mil 4 digit. Each month he don't get to save up

 

[MistyCloud]

My MIL claims she's ang moh pattern but when it's to her advantage, she suddenly cares a lot about the Chinese right way of doing things.

What shoppixie highlighted may be true in some cases but not all... Not my case at all. My MIL ignores me when she's in the mood to be mean and she always takes my daughter into her room to play when we bring her over for the PIL to see her once a week. Leaving us alone in the licing room until she has played enough with her.

She pampers her and I have no qualms about "grandparents" privileges so pamper the child but she will instruct us that we cannot call her "naughty". *roll eyes*

 

[pixie ng]

I also very "ang moh" pattern but the older generation expects us to follow their weird patterns!!!!

Angry.

Maybe I shd just marry an ang moh.

My ang mo style is quite obvious to them so more or less they will try to understand. Like me i live alone for several yrs, not alot of singaporean practice that. I take care of myself & been very independent, no need parents take care so i also dun need their help at all. But of course they will still try to help, i just try to remind them my motto is i am responsible for myself, not my parents not my hub not pil.

Repeat 1 time not enough then repeat 10 times lo... but dun give black face coz still need to respect them.

 

[loveholic]

My ang mo style is quite obvious to them so more or less they will try to understand. Like me i live alone for several yrs, not alot of singaporean practice that. I take care of myself & been very independent, no need parents take care so i also dun need their help at all. But of course they will still try to help, i just try to remind them my motto is i am responsible for myself, not my parents not my hub not pil.

Repeat 1 time not enough then repeat 10 times lo... but dun give black face coz still need to respect them.

But the problem is not every in laws react the same way.
My upbringing is WAY different than my husband. I have been having own responsibilities since sec sch onwards when if i want sth, i have to save my own money and not ask parents for it. Even things like my phone bill is paid by myself because my parents believe that the bill is accumulated by me. But no, for my husband even till today, his parents die die wants to pay for everything. Yes even his phone bill.

I had the biggest culture shock since i moved in with them. It has been 1 year+ and im still not getting used to anything. They are inconsiderate, they slam the living door shut once they come home / go out. They talk by shouting at one another (typical hokkien which i hate) and its so loud i get awaken by them all the time as long as i sleep earlier. But all these isnt an issue to them because they are heavy sleepers and doesnt even recognise it as an issue.

Ive feedback to my hubby 101 times. He has even feedback to them 101 times. But they dont bloody care. The same things still happen. Ive already reached the stage whereby if im not happy, i will just show out rather than giving them the impression that everything's okay.

Well, not that it works anyway zz.

 

[MistyCloud]

My ang mo style is quite obvious to them so more or less they will try to understand. Like me i live alone for several yrs, not alot of singaporean practice that. I take care of myself & been very independent, no need parents take care so i also dun need their help at all. But of course they will still try to help, i just try to remind them my motto is i am responsible for myself, not my parents not my hub not pil.

Repeat 1 time not enough then repeat 10 times lo... but dun give black face coz still need to respect them.

@pixie ng you're lucky that they let you be with your own style. Similarly, we do not need their help and do not ask for their help at all with kids and all but they have their demands and want us to put them on the pedestal.

For eg. When we plan for our wedding, we did not ask for their help at all but let them in n the ongoings of course and they can still complain that the food is not nice. (not the food on the whole but the soup etc.) And they have gone for food tasting beforehand. Complained the make up artist I got for MIL was not good etc. and pulled a black face throughout my wedding. Even when I was without a helper for a month and was coping with work (from home) and being a FTM for a while, my MIL would come over and keep asking if I needed help when I said no. She would try to help by bringing her own food when I've already taken the food out in the afternoon to cook hence causing me much more inconvenience because she doesn't give advance notice at all! And mind you, she would come in the late afternoon midweek and stay for long etc. when I needed to cook or at least spend the free time to do my work. Totally inconsiderate. My hubby and I would collapse at end of the day coz both of us had to work and take care of the 6 mths old.

The thing about my MIL is that she thinks we ought to be thanking her for all that she has done when she bring about a lot of inconvenience to our lives. She's very emo and would require my hubby to go over midweek to placate her when she throws her tantrums over some minor issues. She cannot take no for an answer like when we repeatedly told her we can cope and she just intrude into our space and expect us to be thankful that she is helpful when she really is not. She imposes on us on the health food we should be eating too.

I seriously think that we should cut her out of our lives as she is bringing us a lot of unhappiness and also to my hubby these days. Of course, things cannot be as simple as that. He is still her son after all and my child, her grandchild. But she treats me with total disrespect by not acknowledging me nor talking to me these days. I am waiting for the day when she is out of my life totally....

Basically, if someone wants to pick on you, they'll do it regardless.

 

[richiemccaw]

@MistyCloud - how long have you been married already? It sounds like an absolute nightmare.

 

[MistyCloud]

@richiemccaw Yes, it is! I've been married for a mere 2 yrs 3 mths only.

In fact, she started giving me black face and cold shoulders right after my wedding. Ignored me when I acknowledge her and tried to talk to her . Citing reasons that my parents disrespected my hubby's family ('coz I left from our matrimonial house which hubby and I just got before getting married and that I held my tea ceremony here) She said it is as if her son married into my family. But all these were already sorted out before the wedding as we informed them about it but they changed their mind after that. We didn't budge as hubby and I already made plans and our matrimonial house is very near to his parents' place and it would save us a lot of time.

And it's not only this, it was a lot more other things. She picks on me and is sarcastic and rude to me very frequently. Basically, she just wanna pick on me and want the attention from her son.

It's only 2 months back that she pulled her son home and complained about me again and about the wedding (gosh, it has been 2 freaking years!!). Asked why I could invite so many relatives from my family but they couldn't. And that's because my family is more than twice as big as theirs!!! They're all my immediate family members and I'm closer to them than my hubby is to his many cousins/uncles/aunties (which we invited too but a lot didn't turn up on their own accord)

It's a constant roller coaster. Son gotta placate her and then she would treat me slightly better before going into one of her Empress Dowager moods etc. Latest situation is she is pissed again and I told my hubby, this time, I had enough. I am not putting up with her nonsense and my current pregnancy is not easy too. I rather cut her out of my life than put her with her nonsense. After all, I have been trying my best for 2 years. Hubby used to fight with me about her and expect me to put up with it but he has finally seen through her true colours after what she has been doing to us for the past 2 years...

 

[richiemccaw]

That is mad. And that is with you two living apart from your MIL.. Can you imagine staying under the same roof? Gosh.

 

[MistyCloud]

We stay apart, I've always wanted to and my hubby knowing his mum can get difficult has never wanted to stay with her in the first place.

However, we stay very nearby by our own choice as we both like the area. But it's good that we're apart as least. She wanted the keys but we didn't give her. Hehehehe.... of course she made some noise about it.

 

[richiemccaw]

Smart choice for sure. Some noise upfront is better than constant bombardment!

 

[pixie ng]

But the problem is not every in laws react the same way.
My upbringing is WAY different than my husband. I have been having own responsibilities since sec sch onwards when if i want sth, i have to save my own money and not ask parents for it. Even things like my phone bill is paid by myself because my parents believe that the bill is accumulated by me. But no, for my husband even till today, his parents die die wants to pay for everything. Yes even his phone bill.

I had the biggest culture shock since i moved in with them. It has been 1 year+ and im still not getting used to anything. They are inconsiderate, they slam the living door shut once they come home / go out. They talk by shouting at one another (typical hokkien which i hate) and its so loud i get awaken by them all the time as long as i sleep earlier. But all these isnt an issue to them because they are heavy sleepers and doesnt even recognise it as an issue.

Ive feedback to my hubby 101 times. He has even feedback to them 101 times. But they dont bloody care. The same things still happen. Ive already reached the stage whereby if im not happy, i will just show out rather than giving them the impression that everything's okay.

Well, not that it works anyway zz.

I think these must communicate before marriage... as you know old folks will have some expectation for dil.. behaviour from gf can be tolerate but dil should tolerate their behaviour.. so bo bian lo... every family have their own culture.. so for me i pre empt them during dating.. i also quite reluctant to get marry because i scare of all the conflicts. Since i been living alone, i duno how to deal with these type of family conflicts. Lucky my hub deals will them, i just nod head only.

All i can say is hope that you have the chance to move out asap to get away from them!

 

[pixie ng]

@pixie ng you're lucky that they let you be with your own style. Similarly, we do not need their help and do not ask for their help at all with kids and all but they have their demands and want us to put them on the pedestal.

For eg. When we plan for our wedding, we did not ask for their help at all but let them in n the ongoings of course and they can still complain that the food is not nice. (not the food on the whole but the soup etc.) And they have gone for food tasting beforehand. Complained the make up artist I got for MIL was not good etc. and pulled a black face throughout my wedding. Even when I was without a helper for a month and was coping with work (from home) and being a FTM for a while, my MIL would come over and keep asking if I needed help when I said no. She would try to help by bringing her own food when I've already taken the food out in the afternoon to cook hence causing me much more inconvenience because she doesn't give advance notice at all! And mind you, she would come in the late afternoon midweek and stay for long etc. when I needed to cook or at least spend the free time to do my work. Totally inconsiderate. My hubby and I would collapse at end of the day coz both of us had to work and take care of the 6 mths old.

The thing about my MIL is that she thinks we ought to be thanking her for all that she has done when she bring about a lot of inconvenience to our lives. She's very emo and would require my hubby to go over midweek to placate her when she throws her tantrums over some minor issues. She cannot take no for an answer like when we repeatedly told her we can cope and she just intrude into our space and expect us to be thankful that she is helpful when she really is not. She imposes on us on the health food we should be eating too.

I seriously think that we should cut her out of our lives as she is bringing us a lot of unhappiness and also to my hubby these days. Of course, things cannot be as simple as that. He is still her son after all and my child, her grandchild. But she treats me with total disrespect by not acknowledging me nor talking to me these days. I am waiting for the day when she is out of my life totally....

Basically, if someone wants to pick on you, they'll do it regardless.

I totally understand coz i have friends mil treats them like enemy. Like everything she do confirm is wrong, dont know why..

Actually duno is i lucky to have pil or my hub, coz my wedding if anyone have any feedback which i dun wish to go along, i will tell them directly. If they refuse, i will cancel the whole wedding coz like i say earlier i quite reluctant to get marry. So during wedding preparation, several times i told my hub i want to cancel the wedding and he will deal with those feedbacks. I think coz of this, my pil knows i already mean what i say. If they want their son to be happy, they dun push their luck. Coz i say before if i damn piss off with them, they will nv get to see me rest of their lives.

 

[MistyCloud]

Yes, better feedback before wedding for anything and expectations for DIL definitely much higher than if just GF.

My parents also didn't say much for my wedding coz I think they're just thankful for me to get married.

I also have girlfriends whose parents are the more difficult ones. See heng or away lo. I sway, my hubby heng...

 

[Elm]

My parents are definitely the very difficult ones, lots of demands and expectations. They cause a lot of unhappiness for me and my DH. My DH is actually a very patient and good guy (I think that's why my parents bully him) but now even he gets annoyed at the mention of my parents. The difficult thing is my mother is quite 'pretentious', outside people will think she's the best mother but actually she is very controlling and domineering, everything also must follow her way. Nowadays dread talking to my parents, they put up a face as if nothing each time, but their words full of sarcasm and hurting. Haizzz very sad everytime think of the situation...

 

[wind1_19]

My parents are definitely the very difficult ones, lots of demands and expectations. They cause a lot of unhappiness for me and my DH. My DH is actually a very patient and good guy (I think that's why my parents bully him) but now even he gets annoyed at the mention of my parents. The difficult thing is my mother is quite 'pretentious', outside people will think she's the best mother but actually she is very controlling and domineering, everything also must follow her way. Nowadays dread talking to my parents, they put up a face as if nothing each time, but their words full of sarcasm and hurting. Haizzz very sad everytime think of the situation...

Hi five, I am in the same situation as you. My mother is very fake and wants to control everything. Now, we try not to even get into contact with them.

 

[Elm]

Hi five, I am in the same situation as you. My mother is very fake and wants to control everything. Now, we try not to even get into contact with them.

But your parents ok with you minimising contact?
Mine no, they want 'face' type so they will rather be fake and superficial than to let relatives/people know their children don't like to talk to them. The only time they will not welcome us is when we don't do what they tell us to do (which is basically everytime) but they will be very sarcastic about it. That's why so difficult to communicate with them.

 

[pinkylove]

really sian to have a MIL who dotes on the other son and treat my HB like dirt.
anything HB do for her (buy things for her, help her with home fixture) , she will not appreciate. saying that HB is being fake. While the other son show a bit of concern verbally, she will say the son very filial.
the other son not earning much and MIL is asking more money from HB and we see her generously feeding the other son family.
Super pissed!

 

[Relaxurmind]

sorry to say that, but i feel my mother-in-law is very disgusting, i hate the way she acts, to me she is a hypocrite! My husband is a filial son and now he always get stuck between both of us (we are not staying with her but she is here to see the grandson every weekend).
i wish to treat her transparent, but each time i see her face, i think of all her nasty acts! can anybody advise me? much thanks.

Wen uve hatred for someone... its an unhealty relationship.. at least spar

sorry to say that, but i feel my mother-in-law is very disgusting, i hate the way she acts, to me she is a hypocrite! My husband is a filial son and now he always get stuck between both of us (we are not staying with her but she is here to see the grandson every weekend).
i wish to treat her transparent, but each time i see her face, i think of all her nasty acts! can anybody advise me? much thanks.

wen uve hatred for someone.. u feel kinda miserable.. jus spare a thoughts for ur hubby.. he mus b in diff position too, if he knws abt this.. so jus b hppy...

 

[lin0816]

Hi all,

I have been a silent reader on this thread and my heart goes out to all who are suffering under those monster in laws. I don't have a problem with mine,mainly cos we live apart and my mil is quite open. However I have a different set of problems. I see my mum being bullied by my sis in law and I'm wondering how I can help... (My mum is very chin chye type and sometimes get bullied by her friends too.. haiz.)
To start off, my father passed away when we were quite young, leaving my elder brother and I. My mum was an ex babysitter and even though she is a sahm most of the time, I would say she is very open minded and never insisted on any traditional stuff, wedding, confinement etc. She also constantly upgrades herself and even goes for computing classes. So when my brother got married and I was working overseas then, she told me brother that she is fine with him moving out, cos she knows young couples need their privacy. However my brother insisted staying together and my mum was like "ok lor". My mum cooks most meals and she is a very good cook so my bro and sil come back for most meals. But they treat her like maid, never help out with chores and even if they were the last to finish the soup in the pot, they'll leave it for my mum to wash.. btw my bro didn't used to be like that. I witnessed this many times when I went home to stay during holidays. When my sil got pregnant, my mum made bird's nest, double boiled soups (mum's Cantonese) and made sure sil was well taken care of. My nephew came out and they asked my mum to take care of the child, so my mum agreed. She also adhered to everything my sil says, handling of bm, massaging baby after bathing, clean eyes and mouth only with cotton buds even though these weren't things she did as a babysitter in the past. She accepted these are new practices and followed suit. It helped that I was pregnant then and I could also educate my mum on the new ways. However, sil's attitude just got worse. She'll order my mum around, doesn't address her, obviously doesn't do any housework.. My mum doesn't complain much to me but I witnessed all this as a bystander. And my bro.... he's an ostrich la. I don't want to see my mum so unhappy, what can I do? I would want to speak to my brother about it but I'm worried he'll think my mum carried tales. Btw, they are giving her $800 but that includes all their meals, electricity, all the household stuff and looking after my nephew. They are both graduates in their 30s and earning okay salaries. The flat is my
mum's. Paisei for the very long post

 

[wind1_19]

But your parents ok with you minimising contact?
Mine no, they want 'face' type so they will rather be fake and superficial than to let relatives/people know their children don't like to talk to them. The only time they will not welcome us is when we don't do what they tell us to do (which is basically everytime) but they will be very sarcastic about it. That's why so difficult to communicate with them.

My mom not only wants face. She craves for power too. She is constantly scheming to get her way. Sometimes black face, nag or trying to be nice. She loves to play the victim in front of relatives too. So is quite sian having to deal with all these politics even at home. She doesn't have a choice about us distancing ourselves from her because something happened last year. But now she is trying all means to get her grandchild back.

 

[Mayochuu]

sigh. prior to me moving in with them before our wedding, my husband and i used to 'shuffle' between my place and his place... and everything was okay back then because interactions were minimal.

and the plan after wedding was the same as well. i told my husband before that moving in permanently to his place is never an option. just that due to some family issues at my side, i was forced to move out and move in with my in laws.

& then the misery starts

OMG! same!!! I am having a hard time trying to accept their culture at home too. And yessss, the pacifying part from the husband sometimes gets on my nerves so much!

 

[SadSmurfettes]

I have monster-in-laws too. What's worse is that i have to put up with his unreasonable and bullying siblings too.
They gang up as a family and outcast me so i am always the "bad" person in the house.
Their son, brother that is MY HUSBAND, would NEVER step in to help me.
Not to mention he has a terribly explosive temper.

It always seems to be my fault.
I am cooped up in my room most of the time yet they STILL are able to find fault with me.

Everytime i try looking for his help, he'd always say "Aiya they are my family lah. You just tahan lah."
Married for 10 years now and NOTHING has changed.

I have been contemplating separation and divorce but i have nowhere else to go.
My own family is broken up. My mom has passed away a decade now too so i really don't know who & where to turn to.

I haven't been working since i got married in 2005 as i thought i've finally found a way to settle down in peace without having to slog my life away
as i did in my teen years.. I worked like a dog, without completing my education and what i got in return is disappointment from my family & my own husband.

& now, even if i want to try to make it on my own, i don't know how to because i've missed out from the outside world for so long.
Anyone has any advise? Anywhere or anyone i can turn to?

 

[Relaxurmind]

I have monster-in-laws too. What's worse is that i have to put up with his unreasonable and bullying siblings too.
They gang up as a family and outcast me so i am always the "bad" person in the house.
Their son, brother that is MY HUSBAND, would NEVER step in to help me.
Not to mention he has a terribly explosive temper.

It always seems to be my fault.
I am cooped up in my room most of the time yet they STILL are able to find fault with me.

Everytime i try looking for his help, he'd always say "Aiya they are my family lah. You just tahan lah."
Married for 10 years now and NOTHING has changed.

I have been contemplating separation and divorce but i have nowhere else to go.
My own family is broken up. My mom has passed away a decade now too so i really don't know who & where to turn to.

I haven't been working since i got married in 2005 as i thought i've finally found a way to settle down in peace without having to slog my life away
as i did in my teen years.. I worked like a dog, without completing my education and what i got in return is disappointment from my family & my own husband.

& now, even if i want to try to make it on my own, i don't know how to because i've missed out from the outside world for so long.
Anyone has any advise? Anywhere or anyone i can turn to?

Feeling so sory abt u dear...

U cn approach at ur nearest social wrkr ctr n seek counselling.. both u n ur hub need to go for counselling..
N i hope it can really helps u though..

 

[SadSmurfettes]

Feeling so sory abt u dear...

U cn approach at ur nearest social wrkr ctr n seek counselling.. both u n ur hub need to go for counselling..
N i hope it can really helps u though..

Thank you for your kindness and thoughts, babe..
I really don't think counseling will help much because of his temper.

I have tolerated for 10 years now and i think it is time i had enough.
Hopefully other kind ladies might have any other offers of advise? Would appreciate it so much.. Thanks..

 

[Relaxurmind]

Thank you for your kindness and thoughts, babe..
I really don't think counseling will help much because of his temper.

I have tolerated for 10 years now and i think it is time i had enough.
Hopefully other kind ladies might have any other offers of advise? Would appreciate it so much.. Thanks..

I undastnd hw u feel babe for dat entire yrs uve been suffering..

Do u hv any kids?

 

[SadSmurfettes]

I undastnd hw u feel babe for dat entire yrs uve been suffering..

Do u hv any kids?

No kids, dear... He can't afford it.
He doesn't even save when i tell him to.
Very selfish person who thinks about himself & his family only.

 

[loveholic]

OMG! same!!! I am having a hard time trying to accept their culture at home too. And yessss, the pacifying part from the husband sometimes gets on my nerves so much!

sigh i know right!! i mean, i do understand that my husband is trying to make things better because no matter what, he's forever stuck in between. but it just feels so zzzzz when i hear 'reasons' like “oh they didn’t know”, “oh not on purpose one” but u mean common sense things like NOT slamming the main door when going out is considered as ‘didn’t know’ meh???


So I presume you are staying with your in laws too?

 

[Mayochuu]

sigh i know right!! i mean, i do understand that my husband is trying to make things better because no matter what, he's forever stuck in between. but it just feels so zzzzz when i hear 'reasons' like “oh they didn’t know”, “oh not on purpose one” but u mean common sense things like NOT slamming the main door when going out is considered as ‘didn’t know’ meh???


So I presume you are staying with your in laws too?

Hi Loveholic~

IKR! I hate the "oh, not on purpose" so so much! It is the mood flipping sentence!

Yes, lived with my in laws for the past year and for 20 more days! My new flat will be ready to move in in 20 days and I am finally freeeeeeeee (or so, I hope).

My situation is exactly same as yours. Was living with my mum (and was so peaceful there) but somethings happened and we needed to move back. Nothing happened upfront, but many issues in different upbringing, the house culture and their expectations, which after all I am the DIL so I should put it up because this is their house *le sighs* Oh plus, PIL's biasness towards other siblings that actually caused many inconveniences (and much of my anger!) to us

My husband and I also tried to rent a room outside, on impulse, because I was at my limit already and yesssss! My sanity is so much more important! But end up I know its too heavy a burden financially so I gave in and agree to put it up a little while more Which luckily I did if not wont have the money to do reno now. Haha!

 

[Relaxurmind]

No kids, dear... He can't afford it.
He doesn't even save when i tell him to.
Very selfish person who thinks about himself & his family only.

**sigh**
Sory to hear dat.. its nt easy being trap wit all e in laws n ur hub.. bt ure still strong till now tho. If u hv kids, ur kids mus hv suffer too..
Seriously, ur hub needs counselling, he hv to spare a tot for u. At least sit n discuss things out wit u. U hv to do sumthing babe. Dun let things control ur life n make u unhppy..
Hv a day plan wit ur hub, go out for a date again, n talk to him.. hopefully, he sort things out wit his fmly..
Live life to e fullest dear..

God bless u..

 

[loveholic]

Hi Loveholic~

IKR! I hate the "oh, not on purpose" so so much! It is the mood flipping sentence!

Yes, lived with my in laws for the past year and for 20 more days! My new flat will be ready to move in in 20 days and I am finally freeeeeeeee (or so, I hope).

My situation is exactly same as yours. Was living with my mum (and was so peaceful there) but somethings happened and we needed to move back. Nothing happened upfront, but many issues in different upbringing, the house culture and their expectations, which after all I am the DIL so I should put it up because this is their house *le sighs* Oh plus, PIL's biasness towards other siblings that actually caused many inconveniences (and much of my anger!) to us

My husband and I also tried to rent a room outside, on impulse, because I was at my limit already and yesssss! My sanity is so much more important! But end up I know its too heavy a burden financially so I gave in and agree to put it up a little while more

Which luckily I did if not wont have the money to do reno now. Haha!

Omg we are REALLY in the same situation!!! But good for you that you just have to hang in there for 20 days. I still have… 2 years+ more to go :/

My husband and I also talked about renting a room outside because he knows im really not adapting well staying with his family. Can you imagine, I can’t even sleep well on weekends because my MIL and SIL wakes up at 7am and start shouting in the house already :/ but eventually we decided not to because it’s not worth spending that amount at all! L Altho my husband keep saying that he rather spend that money than seeing me having a mental breakdown soon hahahaha. So for now what we do is avoid going home so early on weekdays and spend the whole day out on weekends. I feel quite sad because at times I also do feel very tired and I just want to ‘nua’ and do nothing but it seems pretty hard to do so now

 

[Relaxurmind]

No kids, dear... He can't afford it.
He doesn't even save when i tell him to.
Very selfish person who thinks about himself & his family only.

I hv alot of frends that is in ur shoes.. sum of their hub even abuse dem.. beat dem up.. sum even ended to dvorce. Whereas a few help their hub by gvng dem a chance by counselling.. it helps babe. If u lv ur hub, u jus hv to gve him a lil more time n gve him ur moral support..

 

[trinity4ever]

Hi all,

I have been a silent reader on this thread and my heart goes out to all who are suffering under those monster in laws. I don't have a problem with mine,mainly cos we live apart and my mil is quite open. However I have a different set of problems. I see my mum being bullied by my sis in law and I'm wondering how I can help... (My mum is very chin chye type and sometimes get bullied by her friends too.. haiz.)
To start off, my father passed away when we were quite young, leaving my elder brother and I. My mum was an ex babysitter and even though she is a sahm most of the time, I would say she is very open minded and never insisted on any traditional stuff, wedding, confinement etc. She also constantly upgrades herself and even goes for computing classes. So when my brother got married and I was working overseas then, she told me brother that she is fine with him moving out, cos she knows young couples need their privacy. However my brother insisted staying together and my mum was like "ok lor". My mum cooks most meals and she is a very good cook so my bro and sil come back for most meals. But they treat her like maid, never help out with chores and even if they were the last to finish the soup in the pot, they'll leave it for my mum to wash.. btw my bro didn't used to be like that. I witnessed this many times when I went home to stay during holidays. When my sil got pregnant, my mum made bird's nest, double boiled soups (mum's Cantonese) and made sure sil was well taken care of. My nephew came out and they asked my mum to take care of the child, so my mum agreed. She also adhered to everything my sil says, handling of bm, massaging baby after bathing, clean eyes and mouth only with cotton buds even though these weren't things she did as a babysitter in the past. She accepted these are new practices and followed suit. It helped that I was pregnant then and I could also educate my mum on the new ways. However, sil's attitude just got worse. She'll order my mum around, doesn't address her, obviously doesn't do any housework.. My mum doesn't complain much to me but I witnessed all this as a bystander. And my bro.... he's an ostrich la. I don't want to see my mum so unhappy, what can I do? I would want to speak to my brother about it but I'm worried he'll think my mum carried tales. Btw, they are giving her $800 but that includes all their meals, electricity, all the household stuff and looking after my nephew. They are both graduates in their 30s and earning okay salaries. The flat is my
mum's. Paisei for the very long post

Hi Lin

U spoke to yr mum & she expressed her unhappiness or you observed that she is truly unhappy? I thought is impt how your mum feels. Generation of her age may not feel like how we do though i'm not saying that it is right that she is being 'bullied'.

I suppose there is no need 'outright' confrontation. If you see yr bro nvr washed the dishes, can just jokingly 'remind' him? During home conversation (eg after dinner etc.), you can always casually bring out some 'examples' (which you can claim is your colleagues shared with you etc.) and just talk abt it. I'm sure after sometime they will get the 'hint'. Every year, let your mum go for an overseas trip - to be fully sponsored by your bro & you. You can always tell yr bro is considered a break for your mum. Afterall, she has no MC, no annual leave, no bonuses etc for the wk done. During your mum's absence, let your bro & sil hv a taste of taking care of housework & child. Hopefully they will be more appreciative in future

 

[Relaxurmind]

Hi Lin

U spoke to yr mum & she expressed her unhappiness or you observed that she is truly unhappy? I thought is impt how your mum feels. Generation of her age may not feel like how we do though i'm not saying that it is right that she is being 'bullied'.

I suppose there is no need 'outright' confrontation. If you see yr bro nvr washed the dishes, can just jokingly 'remind' him? During home conversation (eg after dinner etc.), you can always casually bring out some 'examples' (which you can claim is your colleagues shared with you etc.) and just talk abt it. I'm sure after sometime they will get the 'hint'. Every year, let your mum go for an overseas trip - to be fully sponsored by your bro & you. You can always tell yr bro is considered a break for your mum. Afterall, she has no MC, no annual leave, no bonuses etc for the wk done. During your mum's absence, let your bro & sil hv a taste of taking care of housework & child. Hopefully they will be more appreciative in future

True... sometimes ppl forget abt how to respect n appreciate othas.. so wen dat someone dat they alwys take advantage of is nt around den they will knw hw it feels..

 

[Mayochuu]

Omg we are REALLY in the same situation!!! But good for you that you just have to hang in there for 20 days. I still have… 2 years+ more to go :/

My husband and I also talked about renting a room outside because he knows im really not adapting well staying with his family. Can you imagine, I can’t even sleep well on weekends because my MIL and SIL wakes up at 7am and start shouting in the house already :/ but eventually we decided not to because it’s not worth spending that amount at all! L Altho my husband keep saying that he rather spend that money than seeing me having a mental breakdown soon hahahaha. So for now what we do is avoid going home so early on weekdays and spend the whole day out on weekends. I feel quite sad because at times I also do feel very tired and I just want to ‘nua’ and do nothing but it seems pretty hard to do so now

Yessssss! The weekend wake up call! Hahaha! Me too, just that my MIL and FIL will just barge into our room at 7am, not on purpose to wake us, but to hang clothes at our window because the sun in our room is good *face palm* You know sometimes when you sleep in pjs the dress will roll up and if not inside the blanket, the panties will be exposed~ lol~ It was always so awkward

 

[Relaxurmind]

Yessssss! The weekend wake up call! Hahaha! Me too, just that my MIL and FIL will just barge into our room at 7am, not on purpose to wake us, but to hang clothes at our window because the sun in our room is good *face palm* You know sometimes when you sleep in pjs the dress will roll up and if not inside the blanket, the panties will be exposed~ lol~ It was always so awkward

Omg... no manners as to at least knock on e door...**sigh**

 

[Winter_gal]

really omg after hearing all the story.. although i dont have such problem but the only problem is in law have the say on my child... which i hate.. no cold drink means no.. but when say no they give black face... sigh... dunno what to do.. lucky my house is coming in 2 to 3 months time... jus bear with it.. jiayou everyone..